Purple haze, all in my brain. Lately things they don't seem the same, actin' funny, but I don't know why. Excuse me while I kiss the sky. – Jimi Hendrix
If I had to sum up how I feel right now, the above lyrics
would be it. Lately I’ve been meditating more, drinking more water, treating my
skincare like a ritual, going in to find answers and the truth, and reaching
out in love sans toxic ego and pride. I’m at peace and learning to tame my
thoughts, for they certainly create the reality I live in. Though I feel more
peaceful I also feel more alive. Embracing my personal truth has been and still
is a journey. Uncovering my sense of worth has also been a journey. For such a
long time I felt stuck and stagnant in life. Inside I felt and wanted to live
one way, but outwardly I was living the opposite, save for moments I said fuck
it all and lived out loud, but then I went to the total opposite extreme. I
have always lived in extremes, very black and white, all or nothing. I’m
learning to embrace and appreciate that grey sweet spot in the middle, trying
to gently control the pendulum swing and grasp a deeper understanding of the
Law of Correspondence (as above so below) while dissecting the notion of
everything being mental, The All is mind.
Though it isn’t popular and contradicts the way I was
raised, I’m openly embracing the things my spirit naturally gravitates to:
yoga, sacred texts, crystals, light work, meditation, and astrology. I believe
there’s truth in everything, and all truth is but half true. Anyway, back to self-worth.
I recently had a conversation with God because I wasn’t understanding why I
kept meeting men I could never solidify anything with along with trying to find
the spiritual reason for my recent weight gain. Long story shortened, it all
boiled down to the way I viewed myself and lack of trust in God/The Universe
and flow of life. I subconsciously felt worthless if I didn’t have money or
couldn’t be of use or service. That’s how I express my love, by doing. That was
a bit of a hard pill to swallow because that meant all my life I only felt I was
worthy of love if I had money and could do things for others, not simply for
just being me. I had to sit with that truth, embrace it, acknowledge it as
truth, and actively change the way I viewed myself. That same week I did a
guided Kundalini Awakening meditation and spent a little time with a man I’ve
never officially dated, but adore nonetheless. To say I felt empowered is an
understatement.
I can be a bit spoiled, and I want what I want when I want
it. I was maybe three miles from his home when I texted, “Are you home?” He
replied saying he was, then I asked, “Do you want company? Say yes.” He simply
replied, “Sure.” He was where I used to go to escape the world. Something about
being with him made my breath easy and my soul relax. When I got there, he greeted
me with a hug and offered to make me a drink. He’s always been very accommodating
to me. We talked literally for hours about life, God, family karma, mother
wounds, parenting, and things I’m certain I have forgotten about already.
Sometimes he just stares at me, and unlike when other people stare at me, his
gaze doesn’t make me feel uneasy or annoyed. I just feel adored, but I asked
him why he stares at me, and his reply was simple, “I always look at you like a
Queen, like Cleopatra or another ancient Queen. You always look like you’re
about to get up and put your crown on. You’re just different. You bring me a
sense of calm and peace nobody else can.” I asked if that scared him, and he
said yes because it can be a bit unnerving to be with someone you feel sees
right through you. At that point it all made sense to me, and my purpose for
being here became clearer to me. He doesn’t know it, but he did something for
me and magnified something deep and beautiful in my soul. I accept that I am peace. I am an anchor for the soul, releaser of the reflex actions that lead to innate freedoms to be, lover of wild hearts, free spirits, sensual men, and wild women. I am love. I am the truth.I believe we are all mirrors one
to another, and the very things he sees in me I also see in him.
