Oops

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I have been a bit absent from blogging as of late as I have been studying a psychology unit online and this has taken up most of my spare time.

In the period of me not tracking my weight I gained 10kg but the binges were reduced so it was a win and a lose at the same time. I have managed to reduce my excessive eating of junk food to once a month, which is hormone related, and am yet to find a way to reduce those cravings at that reguarly trying time lol.

I am back to tracking my food but I am not obsessing over calorie counting. I do it more so I can see the rating and relative nutritional value of the food I eat each day. Since my doctor upped my pristiq prescription I have felt a lot more balanced emotionally and I find that I don’t eat as much as I was before. I do not find myself constantly thinking about food either. I have successfully given up muffins…it has probably been about 2 months since I last had one. Each time I feel like having one I remind myself of the stomach ache I get afterwards.

Even though I feel really big at 136kg, I feel more positive about my eating habits. I will probably just need to ensure that I throw in some exercise that is additional to my incidental exercise to try and kick start things. I got really slack with the walking in hot weather due to how uncomfortable the combination of heat, extra weight and movement. Now that the weather has started cooling this should be a bit easier for me.

Physically Aware

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I feel embarrassed by my appearance today. I think this may be because my attention has been drawn towards my neck which is much fattier than it used to be and it is uncomfortable due to the sticky weather. Then I become conscious of my stomach and my exposed arms. I start to think about what my organs must look like right now and am fighting the urge to calorie count again.

I know that I need to focus on the psychological aspect to improve the other parts, but it is difficult to stay focused on this when you are as big as I am. I get random pulls in my legs and feet because of the extra weight my poor body is carrying around. I managed to get a cramped calf muscle the other day because my ankle was feeling a bit strained from nothing in particular. It is still loosening up now.

Sticky and warm weather makes my overheating worse, I overheat enough as it is. My rolls of fat rub together on my back and it is horrible. Those negative thoughts are trying to push through, to abuse me for my current physical state but I am pushing it back. I am trying to remind myself that it will not help and is not a part of me but my binge brain. Beating myself up only makes me feel worse and increases the chances of a binge.

I haven’t done the next session of my online program yet but plan to do it tomorrow before I get into some uni stuff. My doctor seems to think that I am doing pretty well given that I am self educating and not giving up on trying to find a solution. I keep reminding myself of this. She has had a fair bit of dealings with eating disorders as one of her children has binge eating disorder also. Trying to remain hopeful.

The Sabotage

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I am currently resisting the urge to restart calorie counting, directing body shaming at myself and all those related thoughts. I think I am due for the next session of my online program today which I am looking forward to. I kept forgetting about the meal goals from the last session but I did manage to leave some food behind yesterday and put the leftovers in the fridge. I felt good about that. Not feeling good about my daily muffin obsession though.

My doctor has upped my meds to try and help with the food thoughts during the online program. She told me that the thoughts do get worse when you are working on getting in control, referred to it as like a separate person trying to sabotage you because they want control. This made total sense and explains still wanting to binge while realising and working through the psychological aspect.

Whoops

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Yesterday was a bad food day. When I am unsupervised the binge part of my mind gets really active and I end up battling myself. Sometimes I win the battles and sine times I lose the battle. Yesterday I lost.

It wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been but it still was pretty bad. What makes this especially bad is that I was eating all these wheaty, sugary foods when I have an intolerance to wheat. Having said that, I wasn’t shoving it down with the usual speed.

I need to “review the game” and try to work out why this happened.

An Update – Shut Up Brain

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I have been keeping up with my goals of at least 2 walks a week and finding different ways to meditate. I decided that I should treat myself for these little wins with small things like nail polishes, accessories, etc. Seems to be working OK 🙂

While I have been focusing on the goals I have tried to take the focus off weight and size. I am trying not to eat according to what will help me lose weight and instead trying to focus on the quantity. I haven’t had a full on binge for a bit and I feel good about that. I am eating a lot but not in one sitting which I think is a start. I also had the “binge brain” trying to urge me towards eating things that I didn’t actually want but managed to talk over the top of it yesterday. I was talking to someone when I said that I was desperate for a muffin. Then I realised what I said and thought why did I say that? I don’t even want a muffin o.O

Starting the next session of the online program hopefully today which I think is called Clean Plate so it will be interesting to see what that is about.

Meh

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I should be feeling good about the fact that I have been sticking to my new short term goals…but I am not feeling good really. I made a couple of goals when I started the BED online program. The first was to go for at least 2 walks a week and the second was the meditate at least 2 times a week. I have exceeded the 2 walks a week and have been on track with the meditations.

However, I do not feel good in myself currently. This could be because I feel like everything I eat is being analysed and scrutinized (not by me) when I am trying to focus on my brain rather than weight even though I know I am morbidly obese. Maybe it is because I get told how much I should be eating in front of other people which is embarrassing. Or maybe it is because of comments that get made about my appearance.

It is difficult to be good when you do not feel good.

The First Session – A Realization

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The first session of the online Binge Eating Disorder Program came as a bit of surprise. It touched on things that I did not think applied to me. I have always looked at it was a weight issue and an issue with junk food. I thought that my problem was different from others, but it is not. I am just like the other binge eaters. 

My problem is I do not know how to handle negative feels and emotions in a healthy way. I use food to push it down, to distract and as a focus point. 
My problem is I do not know how to let me feelings out.
My problem is I am scared of weightloss. 
My problem is my body image is skewed and I obsess over it which triggers the above and makes me want to binge. Repeat cycle. 

So it turns out….its my psych and I gotta do something about it, which is what these sessions are for. They will help me. I also realised that, as cliche as it is, it comes from my experiences growing up. I did not learn how to cope or manage my feelings through allt he things I went through. Like I said, cliche. 

My goal is to express my emotions and feelings in a positive way.
My goal is to not obsess about food, my size and my weight.
My goal is to be comfortable with me. 

Any goals I set cannot focus on weight and food. It has to be wellbeing and mental health focused. This is the first step. My first two active goals are to meditate twice a week and go for a walk twice a week. I think this is a good start.Â