Christmas is over, and our five Christmas celebrations are done in record time (three days). I have nothing good to report on the TTC front - chart went back to up down up down and all around - so here are some holiday highlights.
-My almost four year old nephew got bongo drums from Santa. He also got a microphone and a guitar. We have video of him playing with the latter two. This will be shown in future years to his prom date and during his wedding rehearsal dinner. I can't wait.
-We made it through the holidays with only one crying session each. I give us an A+. I am however now having a panic attack for reasons unbeknownst to me. Thank God for ativan.
-Santa was good to me. I got a Wii and a Pandora charm bracelet complete with four charms - one from my hubby, one from my best friend and one from each of the twins.
-Santa was good to the hubster - a Kindle and a Flip video camera, which took the aforementioned video of my nephew.
-The holidays definitely centered around my nephew, which is a-ok with me. He's finally at the point now that he has overcome his shyness with us (we don't see him all that often) and now runs to us with open arms for hugs and kisses.
-I'm glad it's over. I have the usual post-holiday blues that seem to be intensified this year, but now I'm looking forward to restarting treatment next month, doing early spring cleaning and enjoying time with my hubby.
Happy New Year's everyone! I hope it brings you everything you want and more!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Searching For Light in the Darkness of Insanity...
Once again, I find myself at war, war with my ovaries. Oh how I had hoped for a cease-fire so that I could concentrate my warring efforts on keeping my cervix closed and baby/ies inside. Alas, I must fight two wars with my physical self. I must also constantly fight the war inside my brain. The war known as Anxiety.
The Great Anxiety War started many years ago as an undercurrent to my existence. Many times I fought the battles without ever knowing who this enemy was. Many times I won those battles. Many times, I lost. It wasn't until I first saw my psychiatrist - about 6 weeks before the twins were born - that my enemy had a name. I know this enemy now, and as G.I. Joe says "Knowing is half the battle." If I could just conquer Anxiety, I could better concentrate on the physical wars.
I must ready myself for battle. How better to do this, than with music. And with music, come lyrics:
"Searching for light in the darkness of insanity"
Elvis Costello, "(What's so Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding?"
"In the darkest hour of the night, you find daylight"
Better Than Ezra, "Daylight"
"And here I stand with this sword in my hand...Have a seat while I take to the sky"
Tori Amos, "Take to the Sky"
Take to the sky by ~zulu-eos on deviantART <
The Great Anxiety War started many years ago as an undercurrent to my existence. Many times I fought the battles without ever knowing who this enemy was. Many times I won those battles. Many times, I lost. It wasn't until I first saw my psychiatrist - about 6 weeks before the twins were born - that my enemy had a name. I know this enemy now, and as G.I. Joe says "Knowing is half the battle." If I could just conquer Anxiety, I could better concentrate on the physical wars.
I must ready myself for battle. How better to do this, than with music. And with music, come lyrics:
Elvis Costello, "(What's so Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding?"
"In the darkest hour of the night, you find daylight"
Better Than Ezra, "Daylight"
"And here I stand with this sword in my hand...Have a seat while I take to the sky"
Tori Amos, "Take to the Sky"
Take to the sky by ~zulu-eos on deviantART
Friday, December 4, 2009
Interesting...
I have now completed one and a half weeks of temping and five days of official TTC. The Vitex arrived yesterday, and I have sucessfully completed 3 self-acupressure sessions. I love the acupressure so far. It's extremely relaxing and I can strangely feel slight effects from it, which I didn't expect.
I've also tried not to get too excited or hopeful this cycle since it's technically just a tracking cycle to see what's going on....but then I look at my chart.
Take for example the chart below. It is one of my first charts, and it is very typical of PCOS.
And here is my current chart.
Could it be? Could pregnancy and slight weight loss have improved my PCOS? Dare I hope that I could have a *gasp* normal cycle?
I've also tried not to get too excited or hopeful this cycle since it's technically just a tracking cycle to see what's going on....but then I look at my chart.
Take for example the chart below. It is one of my first charts, and it is very typical of PCOS.
And here is my current chart.
Could it be? Could pregnancy and slight weight loss have improved my PCOS? Dare I hope that I could have a *gasp* normal cycle?
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
TTC Plans, etc...
So I had my visit with the RE on Monday and we are officially TTC again. This first cycle is completely unmedicated - sort of. I should say it is completely unmedicated per Western medicine standards. I am temping/charting to see if I will O on my own. I never in a million years thought I'd be doing that again! We know that injectibles work, but we are trying to minimize the risk of multiples due to my cervix issues. So, the official plan of attack is:
1. Temping/charting, 2 hour GTT and possibly metformin if needed, taking vitex (chasteberry herb), learning/practicing self acupressure.
2. Temping/charting, metformin if needed, Femara, monitoring with ultrasound, trigger shot, acupressure.
3. Low dose injectibles, metformin if needed, monitoring with bloodwork and ultrasound, trigger shot, IUI, acupressure.
4. If all else fails choose between higher dose injectibles with no IUI or IVF with single embryo transfers.
I'm hoping for options 1 or 2 to work!!!
* * *
It's been awhile since I've updated on my goals, so here we go. I'll try to make it brief!!
Series 7: No progress. Bad Kate!
Weight Loss: Stalled. Great, considering the massive amount of pumpkin cookies I've ingested in this last week.
TTC/Savings: Officially 1/6th of the way there. Apparently we don't care too much about completing this before TTC!
Reading: Goal to read 10 books in my 30th year. Completed 4, working on #5. If I turn the tv off, I'll finish it tonight. Note: Check out the bottom of the blog to see what I've read so far and what I'm currently reading.
Movies: Watch 1 movie/week. On track, minus vacation week.
Sewing: Finished my friend's tree skirt. Putting the finishing touches on my friend's baby gift.
Letters: Write at least one letter/week. Totally fell down on this the past week. I promise to write this week though!
2. Temping/charting, metformin if needed, Femara, monitoring with ultrasound, trigger shot, acupressure.
3. Low dose injectibles, metformin if needed, monitoring with bloodwork and ultrasound, trigger shot, IUI, acupressure.
4. If all else fails choose between higher dose injectibles with no IUI or IVF with single embryo transfers.
I'm hoping for options 1 or 2 to work!!!
It's been awhile since I've updated on my goals, so here we go. I'll try to make it brief!!
Series 7: No progress. Bad Kate!
Weight Loss: Stalled. Great, considering the massive amount of pumpkin cookies I've ingested in this last week.
TTC/Savings: Officially 1/6th of the way there. Apparently we don't care too much about completing this before TTC!
Reading: Goal to read 10 books in my 30th year. Completed 4, working on #5. If I turn the tv off, I'll finish it tonight. Note: Check out the bottom of the blog to see what I've read so far and what I'm currently reading.
Movies: Watch 1 movie/week. On track, minus vacation week.
Sewing: Finished my friend's tree skirt. Putting the finishing touches on my friend's baby gift.
Letters: Write at least one letter/week. Totally fell down on this the past week. I promise to write this week though!
Monday, November 30, 2009
To Face Unafraid The Plans That We Made...
The holiday season is upon us as is the old music standards. When I heard "Winter Wonderland" the other day the line "to face unfraid the plans that we made" struck a chord with me. Yes, this season DH and I are facing the new plans - the TTC plans. Unafraid? Well, we're working on that. We're not afraid of having problems getting pregnant again. We know that is possible and that I can grow some damn fine children! The fear is in the potential for another loss; however, we are taking steps to minimize this risk. More on that later, for now I need to finish up my Month of Thanks.
November 27: I'm thankful for a boss who lets me take the day after Thanksgiving off even though the market is open.
November 28: I'm thankful for my mom and brother who can both make me laugh like no one else.
November 29: I'm thankful for pumpkin cookies.
November 30: I'm thankful for an RE who not only puts me at ease, but who also is so compassionate that she shared in my grief.
I'll post again soon with our course of action - and yes, we have started trying again with this cycle!
November 27: I'm thankful for a boss who lets me take the day after Thanksgiving off even though the market is open.
November 28: I'm thankful for my mom and brother who can both make me laugh like no one else.
November 29: I'm thankful for pumpkin cookies.
November 30: I'm thankful for an RE who not only puts me at ease, but who also is so compassionate that she shared in my grief.
I'll post again soon with our course of action - and yes, we have started trying again with this cycle!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
A Month of Thanks, Part IV
November 21: I'm thankful for birthday parties.
November 22: I'm thankful for the ability to talk about my children without bursting into tears.
November 23: I'm thankful for cannoli.
November 24: I'm thankful for new haircuts that make it so easy to get ready in the morning and actually look age and business appropriate.
November 25: I'm thankful for making it out of the grocery store this evening in one piece, while leaving everyone else in the store in one piece as well.
November 26: I'm thankful that I don't have to clean the apartment or cook today. And of course, I am thankful for my family and all of you, my friends!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
November 22: I'm thankful for the ability to talk about my children without bursting into tears.
November 23: I'm thankful for cannoli.
November 24: I'm thankful for new haircuts that make it so easy to get ready in the morning and actually look age and business appropriate.
November 25: I'm thankful for making it out of the grocery store this evening in one piece, while leaving everyone else in the store in one piece as well.
November 26: I'm thankful that I don't have to clean the apartment or cook today. And of course, I am thankful for my family and all of you, my friends!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Monday, November 23, 2009
One Small Step
DH and I have been discussing when to TTC again, and honestly I've been waffling about it. Well, more than waffling - I've been having panic attacks over it and in the heat of an attack I think that I never want to have more children. Never in a million years did I expect that thought to pop into my head. We decided over the weekend to do one more cycle on birth control and then give it a go after the holidays (that cycle would start Dec 27th-ish). I felt that was a fair compromise between DH's wanting to try as soon as we were allowed to after having the twins and my "not yet, ok, let's talk about it *panic* ok, maybe never" stance.
The past two nights have been bad. I completely freaked out on DH, as well as any friend that would listen, or rather read. I prayed. I cried. I hyperventilated. And then this morning at work, without prompting from my conscious self, my hand reached for the phone and I made a call. It was a call to the RE's office. I have my consult set up for next Monday. When I hung up, an amazing thing happened - I didn't panic. In fact, I smiled and called DH to let him know.
Things are still a little up in the air regarding disability insurance and financing the treatments and my probable bed rest, but we're moving forward and it feels good. Maybe I just to take these little steps to get through the rest of my grief and my fear and ultimately bring home a baby of my own. I guess it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "baby steps."
The past two nights have been bad. I completely freaked out on DH, as well as any friend that would listen, or rather read. I prayed. I cried. I hyperventilated. And then this morning at work, without prompting from my conscious self, my hand reached for the phone and I made a call. It was a call to the RE's office. I have my consult set up for next Monday. When I hung up, an amazing thing happened - I didn't panic. In fact, I smiled and called DH to let him know.
Things are still a little up in the air regarding disability insurance and financing the treatments and my probable bed rest, but we're moving forward and it feels good. Maybe I just to take these little steps to get through the rest of my grief and my fear and ultimately bring home a baby of my own. I guess it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "baby steps."
Saturday, November 14, 2009
A Month of Thanks, Part III
November 13th: I'm thankful to those who allow me to express my childishness.
November 14th: I'm thankful for Lyscol wipes.
November 15th: I'm thankful for cool towels and bottled water upon arrival.
November 16th: I'm thankful for cabana boys bringing me drinks on the beach.
November 17th: I'm thankful for toilets that are not just a hole in the ground and water that is clean and drinkable.
November 18th: I'm thankful that 37 years ago, my husband was born.
November 19th: I'm thankful for pilots that can touch down without a jolt in dense fog.
November 20th: I'm thankful for three and a half years of a fabulous marriage. It's been rocky at times with infertility and losing the twins, but I couldn't have gotten through it with anyone else. I love you, sweetie!
I'm back from vacation! It was much needed and I'm so happy I let DH talk me into it. We stayed at the Secrets Resort between Cancun and Playa del Carmen, Mexico. It was gorgeous! The majority of three full days spent on a beach under a coconut tree and tiki umbrella while cabana boys brought us drinks and whatever food we wanted...well, there's just nothing quite like it. I wish I was still laying on that beach, but I will say I'm happy to be in my own comfy bed. The bed there was fine - king size, four poster, canopy, comfortable enough - but I LOVE my memory foam mattress! I will post some pics soon. Until then, just look at the website - it's beautiful!!!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
A Month of Thanks, Part II, and Volunteering for RESOLVE
First, I will continue my Month of Thanks. I've had good feedback from this little project, and I am considering doing something similar in December. That is still in the works and may or may not come to fruition, though if it does, you will be the first to read it!
November 6: I'm thankful for take out restaurant computers that pull up your address when you give your phone number, saving me at least 2 minutes of spelling and respelling my street name.
November 7: I'm thankful for craft store t-shirts.
November 8: I'm thankful for best friends and baby boys that love me.
November 9: I'm thankful for the stomach bug that has kept me home from work today, allowing me the time to support a great friend going through a rough patch.
November 10: I'm thankful that people who understand health care and the insurance industry are making their voices heard and working directly with a local senator to try to fix the plethora of problems in the House bill that was passed on Saturday.
November 11: I'm thankful for all who gave their time, energy, expertise and life so that I may enjoy freedom. I'm also thankful that I am not an idiot. These two things are totally unrelated.
November 12: I'm thankful for temperatures staying well above freezing, thus preventing the current Nor'easter from snowing me in and cancelling my vacation.
And now, on to volunteering for RESOLVE
Many of you have probably heard of RESOLVE, but for those who haven't, it is the National Infertility Association. Having been through infertility and looking for positive projects in my life, I decided to volunteer for RESOLVE.
What I really wanted to do was be a Peer Group Leader; however, I can't commit to a year long leadership role when I could very possibly be on bedrest and giving birth within a year's time. Instead, I'm currently a helpline volunteer and also on the list to contact for ad hoc work. So far, I have had no ad hoc work requests and only two messages in four weeks (five days of work) on the helpline to return. I try very hard to be a kind and giving person, but sometimes that all falls by the wayside and my Inner Bitch comes out.
On my first night as a helpline volunteer, I picked up two messages from the same woman left within minutes of each other. In the first message, she paused for about 30 seconds so I was totally unsure if she hung up or was just momentarily struck dumb. Turns out it was the latter. I picked up the second message and she basically repeated the exact same message she had just left minutes before, but without the confusing pause. I listened to what information she was looking for, went to the RESOLVE website to be prepared for her question and called her back.
Why, oh why, on my first night of volunteering, which by the way happens to be my first time volunteering for anything, did I have to deal with someone who was so utterly maddening? She printed out a list of Peer Groups from the website in her area, but didn't know when they met. That didn't bother me, as the site is confusing on this matter. What did bother me was when I directed her to the online calendar and she told me she had been there, but didn't understand it. It's a calendar. It has links. Find the group on the calendar, click the link and voila! instant information! She then continued to ask me to find the groups on her list and tell her the contact info and when and where they meet. Annoyed, but trying to be a good volunteer, I looked up the information and gave it to her. -- At this point, I began to grow restless. --
She was also wondering about mental health professionals and if RESOLVE endorses anyone. No, they don't endorse anyone, but doctors and therapists can choose to have their contact information listed on the site. I directed her to this information. She was once again confused and asked if I could print it out and send it in the mail to her. Really? I offered to email her the link so she could get the information she was looking for immediately. No dice. Fine. -- Restlessness turned into repressed annoyance. --
She then moved on to fertility clinic listings. Again, I tried to direct her to the page where she could input her zip code and a radius to search in. "Can you send that to me in the mail as well?" *sigh* At this point I decided that resistance was futile and printed the facility name/address listing of fertility clinics in a 50 mile radius of her home. -- Now, I'm pissed. --
We hung up. I was thoroughly annoyed while printing all of the information and expressed this annoyance to DH in not-so-pleasant terms. He reminded me to think of how I felt when we were first diagnosed as infertile - how upset I was, how confused I was by all of the information, how vulnerable I felt. See? Inner Bitch strikes again.
To counteract the negative karma, I looked up all of the phone numbers to the clinics and wrote them in for her.
November 6: I'm thankful for take out restaurant computers that pull up your address when you give your phone number, saving me at least 2 minutes of spelling and respelling my street name.
November 7: I'm thankful for craft store t-shirts.
November 8: I'm thankful for best friends and baby boys that love me.
November 9: I'm thankful for the stomach bug that has kept me home from work today, allowing me the time to support a great friend going through a rough patch.
November 10: I'm thankful that people who understand health care and the insurance industry are making their voices heard and working directly with a local senator to try to fix the plethora of problems in the House bill that was passed on Saturday.
November 11: I'm thankful for all who gave their time, energy, expertise and life so that I may enjoy freedom. I'm also thankful that I am not an idiot. These two things are totally unrelated.
November 12: I'm thankful for temperatures staying well above freezing, thus preventing the current Nor'easter from snowing me in and cancelling my vacation.
And now, on to volunteering for RESOLVE
Many of you have probably heard of RESOLVE, but for those who haven't, it is the National Infertility Association. Having been through infertility and looking for positive projects in my life, I decided to volunteer for RESOLVE.
What I really wanted to do was be a Peer Group Leader; however, I can't commit to a year long leadership role when I could very possibly be on bedrest and giving birth within a year's time. Instead, I'm currently a helpline volunteer and also on the list to contact for ad hoc work. So far, I have had no ad hoc work requests and only two messages in four weeks (five days of work) on the helpline to return. I try very hard to be a kind and giving person, but sometimes that all falls by the wayside and my Inner Bitch comes out.
On my first night as a helpline volunteer, I picked up two messages from the same woman left within minutes of each other. In the first message, she paused for about 30 seconds so I was totally unsure if she hung up or was just momentarily struck dumb. Turns out it was the latter. I picked up the second message and she basically repeated the exact same message she had just left minutes before, but without the confusing pause. I listened to what information she was looking for, went to the RESOLVE website to be prepared for her question and called her back.
Why, oh why, on my first night of volunteering, which by the way happens to be my first time volunteering for anything, did I have to deal with someone who was so utterly maddening? She printed out a list of Peer Groups from the website in her area, but didn't know when they met. That didn't bother me, as the site is confusing on this matter. What did bother me was when I directed her to the online calendar and she told me she had been there, but didn't understand it. It's a calendar. It has links. Find the group on the calendar, click the link and voila! instant information! She then continued to ask me to find the groups on her list and tell her the contact info and when and where they meet. Annoyed, but trying to be a good volunteer, I looked up the information and gave it to her. -- At this point, I began to grow restless. --
She was also wondering about mental health professionals and if RESOLVE endorses anyone. No, they don't endorse anyone, but doctors and therapists can choose to have their contact information listed on the site. I directed her to this information. She was once again confused and asked if I could print it out and send it in the mail to her. Really? I offered to email her the link so she could get the information she was looking for immediately. No dice. Fine. -- Restlessness turned into repressed annoyance. --
She then moved on to fertility clinic listings. Again, I tried to direct her to the page where she could input her zip code and a radius to search in. "Can you send that to me in the mail as well?" *sigh* At this point I decided that resistance was futile and printed the facility name/address listing of fertility clinics in a 50 mile radius of her home. -- Now, I'm pissed. --
We hung up. I was thoroughly annoyed while printing all of the information and expressed this annoyance to DH in not-so-pleasant terms. He reminded me to think of how I felt when we were first diagnosed as infertile - how upset I was, how confused I was by all of the information, how vulnerable I felt. See? Inner Bitch strikes again.
To counteract the negative karma, I looked up all of the phone numbers to the clinics and wrote them in for her.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
A Month of Thanks
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I've decided to be thankful for one thing each day this month. Of course, I'm always thankful for a number of things, but never write them down. I'm not going for the obvious "thankfuls." I'm trying to verbalize the little things that I too often take for granted. I'll try to update this every week or so - and I promise if anything new comes up on the TTC front, I'll post that as well! And now...
A Month of Thanks, Part I
November 1: I'm thankful for the 10 years I got to spend with my grandfather. He died 20 years ago today.
November 2: I'm thankful for the newly learned ability to not get involved in work related arguments and try to make peace between two men who have been fighting almost as long as I've been alive.
November 3: I'm thankful for hunting trips and days off of school, which will soon allow me to see a friend that I haven't seen in much too long.
November 4: I'm thankful for the snugly nature of my husband on chilly nights.
November 5: I'm thankful for political activism, which lets me be alone in the office all day.
Have a wonderful Month of Thanks, and feel free to join me in my little quest of thanksgiving!
November 1: I'm thankful for the 10 years I got to spend with my grandfather. He died 20 years ago today.
November 2: I'm thankful for the newly learned ability to not get involved in work related arguments and try to make peace between two men who have been fighting almost as long as I've been alive.
November 3: I'm thankful for hunting trips and days off of school, which will soon allow me to see a friend that I haven't seen in much too long.
November 4: I'm thankful for the snugly nature of my husband on chilly nights.
November 5: I'm thankful for political activism, which lets me be alone in the office all day.
Have a wonderful Month of Thanks, and feel free to join me in my little quest of thanksgiving!
Monday, October 26, 2009
TTC Update/Julie and Julia
I promised an update and a quote to you after I finished Julie and Julia. I actually have 2 quotes for you, and another TTC update. I have a feeling my last post was way too long (I could have gone on as well!), so I'll keep this one rather short and mention TTC first.
The original plan was to start TTC in as early as late November/December or as late as June. I'm mulling over tossing out the birth control after my November cycle and going it alone for a bit. My doctor continually tells me that pregnancy is "the best thing you can do for PCOS," so it stands to reason that my ovaries are in better shape than they were a couple years ago when we first started TTC. That with the weight loss (which I've recommitted to....again), metformin for my insulin resistance and my extra progesterone from the last pregnancy - we might be able to get a BFP on our own. It's probably just wishful thinking, but it's worth a shot since we don't have enough money saved to even pay for one cycle of treatment! Any thoughts on this?
And now on to Julie and Julia. This first quote is from the first chapter. I just thought it was hilarious when I read it.
"I had polycystic ovary syndrome, which sounds absolutely terrifying, but apparently just meant that I was going to get hairy and fat and I'd have to take all kinds of drugs to conceive."
And then close to the end, Julie's husband says this"
"I'm not worried...If you can do the Project, you can make a kid. No problem"
Oh, ignorant bliss. For their sake I hope it is "no problem," even though she annoyed me throughout the book with throwing in comments bashing a certain political party. Please note, I am unaffiliated and was not offended in any way by this; and I do my fair share of bashing politics/politicians, but honestly it really didn't have anything to do with the book. The first time it's mentioned it shows that she doesn't identify with her job and coworkers. Fine. It got the point across. Mentioning it over and over when it has nothing to do with the storyline was just pointless and annoying. I did enjoy the book though.
The original plan was to start TTC in as early as late November/December or as late as June. I'm mulling over tossing out the birth control after my November cycle and going it alone for a bit. My doctor continually tells me that pregnancy is "the best thing you can do for PCOS," so it stands to reason that my ovaries are in better shape than they were a couple years ago when we first started TTC. That with the weight loss (which I've recommitted to....again), metformin for my insulin resistance and my extra progesterone from the last pregnancy - we might be able to get a BFP on our own. It's probably just wishful thinking, but it's worth a shot since we don't have enough money saved to even pay for one cycle of treatment! Any thoughts on this?
And now on to Julie and Julia. This first quote is from the first chapter. I just thought it was hilarious when I read it.
"I had polycystic ovary syndrome, which sounds absolutely terrifying, but apparently just meant that I was going to get hairy and fat and I'd have to take all kinds of drugs to conceive."
And then close to the end, Julie's husband says this"
"I'm not worried...If you can do the Project, you can make a kid. No problem"
Oh, ignorant bliss. For their sake I hope it is "no problem," even though she annoyed me throughout the book with throwing in comments bashing a certain political party. Please note, I am unaffiliated and was not offended in any way by this; and I do my fair share of bashing politics/politicians, but honestly it really didn't have anything to do with the book. The first time it's mentioned it shows that she doesn't identify with her job and coworkers. Fine. It got the point across. Mentioning it over and over when it has nothing to do with the storyline was just pointless and annoying. I did enjoy the book though.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Four Months Down, At Least Three to Go
That's right folks. If all goes well, we will start TTC again in three months. Three. Months. I can't believe it. That means in about four months I could be posting another blurry BFP for all to see. It seems so far off, yet so close. Much like the fact that four months ago I was sobbing over my loss. It seems like it was yesterday and ages ago as well.
Speaking of Wally and Liz ('cause when don't I talk about them?), last week I finally got their pictures from the hospital. To look at the pictures was bittersweet, to say the least. It brought back the intense sadness of losing them, though it only lasted a couple days like that. It made me miss them even more, which I never thought possible, but once that wore off - or more accurately, I acclimated to it - I really got to look at them and study their features.
I know all parents say this, but wow they are beautiful. They are just so cute and I see so much of Bryan and me in them. In one picture you can actually see little personalities - at least, I can. Wally was the one always spinning around inside me and kicking like crazy. Liz was much calmer and would occasionally kick back to tell Wally to cool it. With this one picture I can just imagine Wally saying "Hey Liz! Sis! Hey! Hey! Hey Liz!" and Liz lovingly turning to him with a sigh as she was interrupted once again, but didn't really mind since it was her brother. Wally was definitely a playful little boy and Liz seemed so loving and caring and calm. They were a perfect pair and balanced each other out completely! They still do, just not here on Earth.
Anyway, since I started telling you all about my non-familial goals a few posts ago, I guess I should give you an update. My past posts have been slightly convoluted so I will give them some headings this time. Perhaps I'll even put the list in a sidebar later on. If that's something you'd like to see, just leave a comment and let me know. Now, on to those non-familial updates...
. . .
General Goals
Weight
Stalled. Still down a good bit, but the birthday week and last week took their toll. I'm back on track this week though and hoping for a modest loss when I step back on that scale on Monday.
Series 7/Stockbroker's License
Also stalled, somewhat. I have been taking practice tests every few evenings, but I need to push ahead and master more than the first three chapters.
Savings for TTC
Progress! We are almost 1/6th of the way to our goal!
Former ManCave
I don't like to be reminded of this looming project. It's so huge - in importance to get done and in sheer effort. I plan on taking a picture for a before/after post once it's finished. I wish I had taken a picture before I ever started in there so you could get the full effect; however, I refuse to relitter the room with empty Coke cans and Panera cups for the sake of a picture - really for any sake! If you can't tell, there has been no progress on this one.
. . .
30th Year Goals
Reading
If you recall, I set a goal of reading 10 books in my 30th year. Last night I finished one, and started another! I finished The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky. I enjoyed it, but I think deserves another read eventually - perhaps as soon as I have finished my goal. I'm a nerd for Russian literature, but the names start to trip me up at times. I think a second reading will give me a better understanding of the real story Dostoevsky was telling. Once I finished that, I picked up a birthday present - Julie and Julia by Julie Powell. I'm almost a third of the way through and loving it! It reads quickly, is funny and let's face it, the girl has PCOS and I just have to read about her experiences in the wake of it. I have a good PCOS quote for you all, but I don't have the book next to me right now as I'm at work slacking off, so once I've finished the book and post again I will share it.
Movies
I took last Tuesday evening to relax and watch a movie. Bryan was out at a friend's place dorking out (i.e. gaming), so I had the house to myself. I curled up on the couch with a hot cup of tea, snuggled into the quilt I had finished over the summer and was dying to use and popped in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was enjoyable; however, I ran out of time and had to watch the last 45 mintues of it Wednesday night. Bryan was home and saw the end. If you have recently lost a baby DO NOT watch this movie; however, if you must, please skip the last 2 minutes. It's obvious what happens, but it unexpectedly tore Bryan to bits. On the list for this week: Sense and Sensibility.
Sewing
No progress whatsoever, though I plan on cutting the fabric for my friend's Christmas tree skirt over the weekend. I know cutting some fabric doesn't sound like a big deal, but it kills my back so I can only do little bits at a time. Also, I've got to finish a fellow PCOSer's baby gift. (Congrats again on your two little beauties, Maggy!).
And finally, one thing from a category not previously mentioned in my last post: Relationships, or more specifically:
Correspondence
Shortly after Wally and Liz flew away to Heaven, I felt the urge to strengthen relationships, but not in any way that I ever really did previously. I normally send an email, a text or chat online with my friends (I don't often talk to friends on the phone because I'm usually on the phone with my mom). I decided I wanted to "revive the art of letter writing." Yup, you got it - letters. Snail mail. You have to admit, this seemingly antiquated form of correspondence holds so much excitement - especially in today's world. Will anyone write back? If so, who? When will my next letter come? What cute stationary will I open my mailbox to find amidst a stack of junk and bills? I admit that as a child, my cousin and I would write letters to each other. Really, she would write one to me, I would respond, then she would respond and then I would promptly forget to write back, always meaning to, but never quite getting around to it. This time, I LOVE writing back. I get so excited about what to put in my next letter. I only have one friend that is writing back, but she's fabulous at it. We even planned a dinner date through snail mail - how cool is that!?!? (Ok, maybe I'm a nerd for more things than just Russian literature!)
And with those updates, I'm heading out of work a tad early today in hopes of getting a flu shot and getting back to Julie and Julia. Ciao!
Speaking of Wally and Liz ('cause when don't I talk about them?), last week I finally got their pictures from the hospital. To look at the pictures was bittersweet, to say the least. It brought back the intense sadness of losing them, though it only lasted a couple days like that. It made me miss them even more, which I never thought possible, but once that wore off - or more accurately, I acclimated to it - I really got to look at them and study their features.
I know all parents say this, but wow they are beautiful. They are just so cute and I see so much of Bryan and me in them. In one picture you can actually see little personalities - at least, I can. Wally was the one always spinning around inside me and kicking like crazy. Liz was much calmer and would occasionally kick back to tell Wally to cool it. With this one picture I can just imagine Wally saying "Hey Liz! Sis! Hey! Hey! Hey Liz!" and Liz lovingly turning to him with a sigh as she was interrupted once again, but didn't really mind since it was her brother. Wally was definitely a playful little boy and Liz seemed so loving and caring and calm. They were a perfect pair and balanced each other out completely! They still do, just not here on Earth.
Anyway, since I started telling you all about my non-familial goals a few posts ago, I guess I should give you an update. My past posts have been slightly convoluted so I will give them some headings this time. Perhaps I'll even put the list in a sidebar later on. If that's something you'd like to see, just leave a comment and let me know. Now, on to those non-familial updates...
General Goals
Weight
Stalled. Still down a good bit, but the birthday week and last week took their toll. I'm back on track this week though and hoping for a modest loss when I step back on that scale on Monday.
Series 7/Stockbroker's License
Also stalled, somewhat. I have been taking practice tests every few evenings, but I need to push ahead and master more than the first three chapters.
Savings for TTC
Progress! We are almost 1/6th of the way to our goal!
Former ManCave
I don't like to be reminded of this looming project. It's so huge - in importance to get done and in sheer effort. I plan on taking a picture for a before/after post once it's finished. I wish I had taken a picture before I ever started in there so you could get the full effect; however, I refuse to relitter the room with empty Coke cans and Panera cups for the sake of a picture - really for any sake! If you can't tell, there has been no progress on this one.
30th Year Goals
Reading
If you recall, I set a goal of reading 10 books in my 30th year. Last night I finished one, and started another! I finished The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky. I enjoyed it, but I think deserves another read eventually - perhaps as soon as I have finished my goal. I'm a nerd for Russian literature, but the names start to trip me up at times. I think a second reading will give me a better understanding of the real story Dostoevsky was telling. Once I finished that, I picked up a birthday present - Julie and Julia by Julie Powell. I'm almost a third of the way through and loving it! It reads quickly, is funny and let's face it, the girl has PCOS and I just have to read about her experiences in the wake of it. I have a good PCOS quote for you all, but I don't have the book next to me right now as I'm at work slacking off, so once I've finished the book and post again I will share it.
Movies
I took last Tuesday evening to relax and watch a movie. Bryan was out at a friend's place dorking out (i.e. gaming), so I had the house to myself. I curled up on the couch with a hot cup of tea, snuggled into the quilt I had finished over the summer and was dying to use and popped in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was enjoyable; however, I ran out of time and had to watch the last 45 mintues of it Wednesday night. Bryan was home and saw the end. If you have recently lost a baby DO NOT watch this movie; however, if you must, please skip the last 2 minutes. It's obvious what happens, but it unexpectedly tore Bryan to bits. On the list for this week: Sense and Sensibility.
Sewing
No progress whatsoever, though I plan on cutting the fabric for my friend's Christmas tree skirt over the weekend. I know cutting some fabric doesn't sound like a big deal, but it kills my back so I can only do little bits at a time. Also, I've got to finish a fellow PCOSer's baby gift. (Congrats again on your two little beauties, Maggy!).
And finally, one thing from a category not previously mentioned in my last post: Relationships, or more specifically:
Correspondence
Shortly after Wally and Liz flew away to Heaven, I felt the urge to strengthen relationships, but not in any way that I ever really did previously. I normally send an email, a text or chat online with my friends (I don't often talk to friends on the phone because I'm usually on the phone with my mom). I decided I wanted to "revive the art of letter writing." Yup, you got it - letters. Snail mail. You have to admit, this seemingly antiquated form of correspondence holds so much excitement - especially in today's world. Will anyone write back? If so, who? When will my next letter come? What cute stationary will I open my mailbox to find amidst a stack of junk and bills? I admit that as a child, my cousin and I would write letters to each other. Really, she would write one to me, I would respond, then she would respond and then I would promptly forget to write back, always meaning to, but never quite getting around to it. This time, I LOVE writing back. I get so excited about what to put in my next letter. I only have one friend that is writing back, but she's fabulous at it. We even planned a dinner date through snail mail - how cool is that!?!? (Ok, maybe I'm a nerd for more things than just Russian literature!)
And with those updates, I'm heading out of work a tad early today in hopes of getting a flu shot and getting back to Julie and Julia. Ciao!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The "Big 3-0"
That's right, folks - today I turn 30.
I'm not upset by this. Everyone has been saying "Oooo the big 3-0! How are you taking it?" Honestly, I could care less. Last year was harder. Turning 29 and thinking "Crap. My last year of my 20s. I'm going to be 30 next year, and that could very well be the first third of my life over already!" - that was hard. This, not so much.
I'm looking forward to my 30th year and I have big plans for this decade - a child or two home with us, a house, getting fully licensed at work so I can take over the business when my boss retires. I have plans for this year too. I made a list of 3 things I want to accomplish in each of a few areas of my life. In the "Leisure" category, I'm going to read 10 books in a year. I know this doesn't sound like a whole lot considering I love to read, but I am a notoriously slow reader - painfully slow at times. I'm going to take the time to relax and watch at least one movie a week. I'm open to any suggestions for books and movies - I'll read or watch anything, if it's good! I'm also going to finish a bunch of sewing projects I've amassed over the last year and a half since I began sewing. There are other categories, but more of that in a later post.
I'm also looking forward to dinner tonight at The Melting Pot with my hubby and my 2 old roommates. Additionally, I'm waiting for Wally & Liz's photos and a program from the Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month service held at the hospital last weekend.We weren't able to attend, but their names were included in the program. The social worker coordinating everything was supposed to have put the pictures and program in the mail Monday and send it to my office, but so far nothing has shown up. I was hoping for the package. It didn't come and I thought "What a nice birthday present that would be if they arrive tomorrow (today)" You'd think I'd be sad at not getting that present, but instead I've been given an even better one. Peace.
Here's hoping my 30s will be just that - peaceful.
I'm not upset by this. Everyone has been saying "Oooo the big 3-0! How are you taking it?" Honestly, I could care less. Last year was harder. Turning 29 and thinking "Crap. My last year of my 20s. I'm going to be 30 next year, and that could very well be the first third of my life over already!" - that was hard. This, not so much.
I'm looking forward to my 30th year and I have big plans for this decade - a child or two home with us, a house, getting fully licensed at work so I can take over the business when my boss retires. I have plans for this year too. I made a list of 3 things I want to accomplish in each of a few areas of my life. In the "Leisure" category, I'm going to read 10 books in a year. I know this doesn't sound like a whole lot considering I love to read, but I am a notoriously slow reader - painfully slow at times. I'm going to take the time to relax and watch at least one movie a week. I'm open to any suggestions for books and movies - I'll read or watch anything, if it's good! I'm also going to finish a bunch of sewing projects I've amassed over the last year and a half since I began sewing. There are other categories, but more of that in a later post.
I'm also looking forward to dinner tonight at The Melting Pot with my hubby and my 2 old roommates. Additionally, I'm waiting for Wally & Liz's photos and a program from the Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month service held at the hospital last weekend.We weren't able to attend, but their names were included in the program. The social worker coordinating everything was supposed to have put the pictures and program in the mail Monday and send it to my office, but so far nothing has shown up. I was hoping for the package. It didn't come and I thought "What a nice birthday present that would be if they arrive tomorrow (today)" You'd think I'd be sad at not getting that present, but instead I've been given an even better one. Peace.
Here's hoping my 30s will be just that - peaceful.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Horray for Fall!
I LOVE fall and everything about it. The weather is beautiful, the food is delicious, we make our annual trip to the Maryland Rennaisance Festival (which is itself a mix of lovely weather and fabulous fried foods - most of which are served on a stick) and of course, my birthday rolls around!
And this year, it could very well be the last season before we...
(drum roll, please)
...TTC again! *skip to the bottom if you only care about that part*
I'll skip boring you all with more thoughts on the weather and my culinary delights, and move on to the RennFest.
I was planning on taking pictures and sharing them with you, but as usual I forgot my camera. And really, even if I had remembered it I probably would have forgotten to take pictures or taken horrible ones I would never share with anyone. We had a nice time and only got rained on right as we were watching Shakespeare's Skum, which happened to be the last thing we were doing before heading home. We sat through the light rain for 20 minutes or so and left feeling that we had really "lived it up 16th century style" that day seeing as how we had no umbrella and to my knowledge, neither did King Henry VIII. What else did we do while there, you might ask? Why spend money of course! After all, it's basically just a huge craft fair with a large bunch of people dorking out and getting hammered at one of the many "inns." Let me share with you pictures of our purchases.
First, we got coin necklaces made for Wally and Liz. Here is the front of each - a W and an E,
and the backs.
Wally's has a Phoenix, which according to the pamphlet means "immortal creature rising from the ashes: symbolizing regeneration of man's indestructible spirit." Liz's has a butterfly, which - again according to the pamphlet "represents spiritual rebirth, happiness and joy. Symbol for the human soul since ancient times. Dreams are brought by butterflys."
So after watching a hilarious rendition of Othello and getting slightly damp in the rain, we were heading out when something caught my dear hubby's eye.
Daddy just had to get his little girl flowers. Isn't it beautiful? Fitting for our little princess. All of their gifts will be going in or on top of their memory boxes. We won't get to buy birthday and Christmas gifts and celebrate with them, so it felt really great to get them some little trinkets.
And now on to the TTC update. We REALLY want to get going on TTC again. We still have a lot of money to save up, I'm still studying for my Series 7, I'm still losing weight...but we are ready to give it another go! I'm wishing and hoping and praying that things will work out and we will be able to start the cycle after we get back from Mexico in November. Fingers crossed, positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated!!!
And this year, it could very well be the last season before we...
(drum roll, please)
...TTC again! *skip to the bottom if you only care about that part*
I'll skip boring you all with more thoughts on the weather and my culinary delights, and move on to the RennFest.
I was planning on taking pictures and sharing them with you, but as usual I forgot my camera. And really, even if I had remembered it I probably would have forgotten to take pictures or taken horrible ones I would never share with anyone. We had a nice time and only got rained on right as we were watching Shakespeare's Skum, which happened to be the last thing we were doing before heading home. We sat through the light rain for 20 minutes or so and left feeling that we had really "lived it up 16th century style" that day seeing as how we had no umbrella and to my knowledge, neither did King Henry VIII. What else did we do while there, you might ask? Why spend money of course! After all, it's basically just a huge craft fair with a large bunch of people dorking out and getting hammered at one of the many "inns." Let me share with you pictures of our purchases.
First, we got coin necklaces made for Wally and Liz. Here is the front of each - a W and an E,
and the backs.
Wally's has a Phoenix, which according to the pamphlet means "immortal creature rising from the ashes: symbolizing regeneration of man's indestructible spirit." Liz's has a butterfly, which - again according to the pamphlet "represents spiritual rebirth, happiness and joy. Symbol for the human soul since ancient times. Dreams are brought by butterflys."
So after watching a hilarious rendition of Othello and getting slightly damp in the rain, we were heading out when something caught my dear hubby's eye.
Daddy just had to get his little girl flowers. Isn't it beautiful? Fitting for our little princess. All of their gifts will be going in or on top of their memory boxes. We won't get to buy birthday and Christmas gifts and celebrate with them, so it felt really great to get them some little trinkets.
And now on to the TTC update. We REALLY want to get going on TTC again. We still have a lot of money to save up, I'm still studying for my Series 7, I'm still losing weight...but we are ready to give it another go! I'm wishing and hoping and praying that things will work out and we will be able to start the cycle after we get back from Mexico in November. Fingers crossed, positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated!!!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
3 Months
It's Wally and Liz's 3 month angel birthday! Time flies and it's not necessarily when you are having fun. I am understandably sad today, but I also feel good. I'm sure you've noticed I try to find the good in the bad. On the way to work today as I was thinking about my angels, I started wondering. How many miracles have they helped perform? Or are they angels that give comfort and guidance to others? Do they help welcome new angels to Heaven? Whatever they are doing, I know it's important work. I can't say how I know this...it's just a feeling. They aren't helpless. They are strong children and I know they are hard at some kind of important work. What an honor it is to be their mother!
Happy Birthday my little loves. Daddy and I are so proud of you!
Happy Birthday my little loves. Daddy and I are so proud of you!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
A New Direction
Right now, we're waiting. Waiting for the grief to pass, waiting to save enough money to try again, waiting to bring a precious baby home with us. Instead of boring you with thoughts on the wait for the next 6+ months, I thought I'd let you in on some other aspects of my life. If you don't care to read about those, there is a TTC update afterwards. Feel free to skip down to that.
First off, I'm trying to lose weight. Not a big surprise since most of us PCOSers have weight issues. I'm using myfitnesspal.com, which has yielded some pretty good success so far. I'm down exactly 7 pounds as of this morning from my post-pregnancy weight. Funny that my post-preg weight was 10 pounds lighter than my pre-preg weight, but that comes with the territory when morning sickness kicks your butt! My first goal is to get under 200. I have 5.5 left to go before reaching that point. Not too shabby!
Second, I'm working on getting my stockbroker's license. I've been "working" on this for 6 years. Every time I start studying something comes up, or I get frustrated and I stop. I made a study schedule and I'm doing my best to stick to it, but it's not going well so far. Facebook apps are just so much more appealing after a long day at work!!! Anyway, I've mastered the first 2 Chapters, Equity Securities and Debt Securities, and I'm now working on getting better grades on the practice test for Chapter 3 - Municipal Securities. Thankfully, my boss is going on vacation so I should be able to get lots of studying in while he's away.
Third, we're trying to save money so that we can afford more fertility treatments and the cost of my being off work for up to 8 months (14 weeks until delivery plus maternity leave). I won't necessarily have to quit fully, but just in case we need to have that extra savings. We have very little accomplished in this department, but I have a plan in place to reach our goal so at least that is a step in the right direction.
Finally, we will be cleaning out what was going to be Wally and Liz's nursery. The room was formerly the "Mancave" and as it was inhabited by a man who wants to be in a cave, you can probably guess what a disaster it is. We had been planning to clean it out at the beginning of July, but once we lost the kids those plans fell by the wayside. Before we TTC again, one of the requirements is having this room cleaned up and organized so I don't have to worry about DH doing it while I'm stuck on bedrest. Well, DH has loathes cleaning so to help him out, I gave him one task to accomplish - gather up his gaming books. I told him that once he gathered them all, we'd go through them together and he would pick out which ones he's currently using or will need in the very near future, and the rest we would pack up and put in the garage. Yesterday while I was at the grocery store, he gathered up the books that he was going to use and put them in the place we had already designated for them. The rest of the books are still scattered throughout the apartment. I love my husband, but I swear he doesn't listen to me sometimes! At least he did part of it! I'm hoping to get in there tonight and get started on some organizing.
And now for the TTC update I promised. Since losing the twins I had been feeling like I wanted to be pregnant...still pregnant. I'm happy to announce that in the past week or so I now am feeling like I want to be pregnant...again. This is a huge step for me. In one week and one day, Wally and Liz will be 3 month old angels. The books and articles I've read on loss say that the deep, intense grieving lasts about 3 months, and what do you know? - I'm stepping out of that deep, intense grieving just about on time!
At first, you wish that the miscarriage had never happened. You want a rewind button to go back and save your children. You wish that this was just one of those pregnancy nightmares and you would wake up in the morning and still be pregnant.
Alas, it isn't so; however, I feel that I've finally come to grips with the fact that I will not get to be with my kids on this earth, and that's ok. This is not how I wanted things to go, obviously, but it is what it is. I can't change it and I'm through asking why. I think I'm starting to move on now and really get back to living my life. I've changed for the better so much over the past few months, and I owe it all to my precious angels. What fantastic gifts they have given me!
First off, I'm trying to lose weight. Not a big surprise since most of us PCOSers have weight issues. I'm using myfitnesspal.com, which has yielded some pretty good success so far. I'm down exactly 7 pounds as of this morning from my post-pregnancy weight. Funny that my post-preg weight was 10 pounds lighter than my pre-preg weight, but that comes with the territory when morning sickness kicks your butt! My first goal is to get under 200. I have 5.5 left to go before reaching that point. Not too shabby!
Second, I'm working on getting my stockbroker's license. I've been "working" on this for 6 years. Every time I start studying something comes up, or I get frustrated and I stop. I made a study schedule and I'm doing my best to stick to it, but it's not going well so far. Facebook apps are just so much more appealing after a long day at work!!! Anyway, I've mastered the first 2 Chapters, Equity Securities and Debt Securities, and I'm now working on getting better grades on the practice test for Chapter 3 - Municipal Securities. Thankfully, my boss is going on vacation so I should be able to get lots of studying in while he's away.
Third, we're trying to save money so that we can afford more fertility treatments and the cost of my being off work for up to 8 months (14 weeks until delivery plus maternity leave). I won't necessarily have to quit fully, but just in case we need to have that extra savings. We have very little accomplished in this department, but I have a plan in place to reach our goal so at least that is a step in the right direction.
Finally, we will be cleaning out what was going to be Wally and Liz's nursery. The room was formerly the "Mancave" and as it was inhabited by a man who wants to be in a cave, you can probably guess what a disaster it is. We had been planning to clean it out at the beginning of July, but once we lost the kids those plans fell by the wayside. Before we TTC again, one of the requirements is having this room cleaned up and organized so I don't have to worry about DH doing it while I'm stuck on bedrest. Well, DH has loathes cleaning so to help him out, I gave him one task to accomplish - gather up his gaming books. I told him that once he gathered them all, we'd go through them together and he would pick out which ones he's currently using or will need in the very near future, and the rest we would pack up and put in the garage. Yesterday while I was at the grocery store, he gathered up the books that he was going to use and put them in the place we had already designated for them. The rest of the books are still scattered throughout the apartment. I love my husband, but I swear he doesn't listen to me sometimes! At least he did part of it! I'm hoping to get in there tonight and get started on some organizing.
And now for the TTC update I promised. Since losing the twins I had been feeling like I wanted to be pregnant...still pregnant. I'm happy to announce that in the past week or so I now am feeling like I want to be pregnant...again. This is a huge step for me. In one week and one day, Wally and Liz will be 3 month old angels. The books and articles I've read on loss say that the deep, intense grieving lasts about 3 months, and what do you know? - I'm stepping out of that deep, intense grieving just about on time!
At first, you wish that the miscarriage had never happened. You want a rewind button to go back and save your children. You wish that this was just one of those pregnancy nightmares and you would wake up in the morning and still be pregnant.
Alas, it isn't so; however, I feel that I've finally come to grips with the fact that I will not get to be with my kids on this earth, and that's ok. This is not how I wanted things to go, obviously, but it is what it is. I can't change it and I'm through asking why. I think I'm starting to move on now and really get back to living my life. I've changed for the better so much over the past few months, and I owe it all to my precious angels. What fantastic gifts they have given me!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Becoming Steadier...
It’s been awhile – over a month since my last tearful post. Thankfully, I’m not as tearful these days. Don’t get me wrong – I love and miss Wally and Liz will all my heart, think of them every day and still cry over them, but I’ve done a lot of soul searching want to share a few things that I have learned over the last two and a half months. Maybe some of this will help someone else going through a loss.
First, I realize that it isn’t just a loss. I gained so much in 18 weeks. I gained the knowledge that I can, in fact get pregnant and grow strong, healthy kids. I gained the experience of being pregnant, even though that meant being sick for months on end, and the experience of meeting my children for the first, though for me only, time. I gained my angels in Heaven and becoming a mom. I gained the knowledge of who your true friends are. I can’t even tell you the outpouring of love and support we received from so many and the surprise of who wasn’t there for us. I also gained confidence for a full term delivery and the experience of healing from a natural birth. Next time I won’t be scared of the unknown.
Second, after thinking of all the things I gained, I took a good look around me and saw that even though I felt empty at the time, I have so much to be thankful for. I have a loving husband, a wonderful family and fabulous friends. I couldn’t ask for a better or more understanding boss in this situation. I have an apartment, plenty of food and clothing, safety, love and a million other things I had been taking for granted on my quest to become a mom. This has made me more mindful of those in need. In addition to dealing with my grief through time, love and a little bit of self-pampering, I’m trying to reach out to those who aren’t so lucky as me. It feels good to know that Wally and Liz’s lives will have meaning and help others, and even though it will be unknown to the recipients, it’s ok. I know that someone is better off for my children’s short lives and that brings me a great deal of comfort. I haven’t chosen a particular charity or cause to support in their honor…yet. I have a feeling that in the months and years to come, I will find something that really “fits” them.
Lastly, in thinking about how much I love and miss them, I realized that I was being a bit selfish. Who am I to deny them the joys of Heaven for my own comfort? And for that matter, who am I to deny Heaven my children?
It’s taken me quite a while to sit down and write this. I’ve wanted to let you all know that I’m doing better, but I just couldn’t find the words to express what I’ve been feeling. When I was having a good day I didn’t want to bring myself down, and when I was having a bad day it was just too hard to get the words out.
I want to thank you all for your love and support. I can never express how much it has helped get through the grief. Bryan and I have a lot more hurdles to jump in the grieving process – our birthdays, the due date, Thanksgiving, Christmas – but we’ll get through it, be stronger for it and we will bring a healthy baby home soon.
Love you all…
First, I realize that it isn’t just a loss. I gained so much in 18 weeks. I gained the knowledge that I can, in fact get pregnant and grow strong, healthy kids. I gained the experience of being pregnant, even though that meant being sick for months on end, and the experience of meeting my children for the first, though for me only, time. I gained my angels in Heaven and becoming a mom. I gained the knowledge of who your true friends are. I can’t even tell you the outpouring of love and support we received from so many and the surprise of who wasn’t there for us. I also gained confidence for a full term delivery and the experience of healing from a natural birth. Next time I won’t be scared of the unknown.
Second, after thinking of all the things I gained, I took a good look around me and saw that even though I felt empty at the time, I have so much to be thankful for. I have a loving husband, a wonderful family and fabulous friends. I couldn’t ask for a better or more understanding boss in this situation. I have an apartment, plenty of food and clothing, safety, love and a million other things I had been taking for granted on my quest to become a mom. This has made me more mindful of those in need. In addition to dealing with my grief through time, love and a little bit of self-pampering, I’m trying to reach out to those who aren’t so lucky as me. It feels good to know that Wally and Liz’s lives will have meaning and help others, and even though it will be unknown to the recipients, it’s ok. I know that someone is better off for my children’s short lives and that brings me a great deal of comfort. I haven’t chosen a particular charity or cause to support in their honor…yet. I have a feeling that in the months and years to come, I will find something that really “fits” them.
Lastly, in thinking about how much I love and miss them, I realized that I was being a bit selfish. Who am I to deny them the joys of Heaven for my own comfort? And for that matter, who am I to deny Heaven my children?
It’s taken me quite a while to sit down and write this. I’ve wanted to let you all know that I’m doing better, but I just couldn’t find the words to express what I’ve been feeling. When I was having a good day I didn’t want to bring myself down, and when I was having a bad day it was just too hard to get the words out.
I want to thank you all for your love and support. I can never express how much it has helped get through the grief. Bryan and I have a lot more hurdles to jump in the grieving process – our birthdays, the due date, Thanksgiving, Christmas – but we’ll get through it, be stronger for it and we will bring a healthy baby home soon.
Love you all…
Monday, July 13, 2009
July 13, 2009 1:40am
Dear Wally and Elizabeth,
I haven’t been able to sleep tonight. I miss you both so much and love you so deeply. I hurt so terribly and just can’t imagine what life will be like now without you here. I’m so happy that you are my children – I just wish I had gotten more time with you. Please know how much Mommy and Daddy love you. Even if we have another baby or babies, they will never ever EVER replace you in our hearts, minds, souls or lives. I just want you home with me. I want you back so much and I know I can never have you here. I feel so betrayed by my body. It let you down. We waited so long for you to come into our lives. I hope you know just how much you were wanted…are wanted. I can’t believe the amount of love I have for you. I always knew a mother’s love was enormous, but I couldn’t fathom it until I felt it for myself. And now the grief is overwhelming me. I’m supposed to go back to work tomorrow. How can I do that? How can I ever do the things I used to do now that you are gone? I just love you so much. The enormity and finality of it all is really hitting me tonight. Are you up in heaven sleeping peacefully or are you watching Mommy cry over you? I want you to be happy and enjoy the life you have now. I want to be happy and enjoy my life too. I know in time I’ll learn to live without you here with me – my heart just needs to catch up to my head. I love you both – now and always.
Until we meet again,
Your loving Mommy
Dear Wally and Elizabeth,
I haven’t been able to sleep tonight. I miss you both so much and love you so deeply. I hurt so terribly and just can’t imagine what life will be like now without you here. I’m so happy that you are my children – I just wish I had gotten more time with you. Please know how much Mommy and Daddy love you. Even if we have another baby or babies, they will never ever EVER replace you in our hearts, minds, souls or lives. I just want you home with me. I want you back so much and I know I can never have you here. I feel so betrayed by my body. It let you down. We waited so long for you to come into our lives. I hope you know just how much you were wanted…are wanted. I can’t believe the amount of love I have for you. I always knew a mother’s love was enormous, but I couldn’t fathom it until I felt it for myself. And now the grief is overwhelming me. I’m supposed to go back to work tomorrow. How can I do that? How can I ever do the things I used to do now that you are gone? I just love you so much. The enormity and finality of it all is really hitting me tonight. Are you up in heaven sleeping peacefully or are you watching Mommy cry over you? I want you to be happy and enjoy the life you have now. I want to be happy and enjoy my life too. I know in time I’ll learn to live without you here with me – my heart just needs to catch up to my head. I love you both – now and always.
Until we meet again,
Your loving Mommy
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
1,000 Oceans
That's the title of a song that I not only think is incredibly beautiful, but is also so fitting and seems to soothe my soul right now. Here is a good live version of it, if you'd like to watch/listen. I think of my babies - little Wally and Elizabeth - when I hear it. I've certainly cried at least 1,000 oceans in the past two weeks...
There are other songs that are going through my mind in relation to losing my kids. "Already Gone" by Sugarland - really just the chorus of that one. I know by the time I got to the hospital, my babies were already gone and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. "In My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride - the line "when I'm gone I hope you'll see how happy she made me." Even though Wally and Elizabeth are gone and I'm hurting so much, they brought me so much joy for 18 weeks. Right now that is what is going through my head - among normal everyday thoughts and reliving that fateful day.
My thoughts are still pretty scattered and I'm not at all ready to go back to work. I know I have to go back some time soon. I'm trying to decide if I can go next week or not. Part of that depends on what the doctor says on Thursday - if I'm healed enough physically. Part of it depends on my emotional state. When I do go back, I will probably start off part time for a week or two. I just can't concentrate for long periods of time and physcially it's very hard for me to be up and about for long as I tend to get very tired and a little light headed as well.
I guess that's enough of an update for tonight. Eventually I plan on posting their birth story, but I'm not ready to yet. Thank you all for the prayers and kind words. You'll never know just how much it means to me.
There are other songs that are going through my mind in relation to losing my kids. "Already Gone" by Sugarland - really just the chorus of that one. I know by the time I got to the hospital, my babies were already gone and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. "In My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride - the line "when I'm gone I hope you'll see how happy she made me." Even though Wally and Elizabeth are gone and I'm hurting so much, they brought me so much joy for 18 weeks. Right now that is what is going through my head - among normal everyday thoughts and reliving that fateful day.
My thoughts are still pretty scattered and I'm not at all ready to go back to work. I know I have to go back some time soon. I'm trying to decide if I can go next week or not. Part of that depends on what the doctor says on Thursday - if I'm healed enough physically. Part of it depends on my emotional state. When I do go back, I will probably start off part time for a week or two. I just can't concentrate for long periods of time and physcially it's very hard for me to be up and about for long as I tend to get very tired and a little light headed as well.
I guess that's enough of an update for tonight. Eventually I plan on posting their birth story, but I'm not ready to yet. Thank you all for the prayers and kind words. You'll never know just how much it means to me.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
New Poll
We are rapidly approaching July 1st - which means we are rapidly approaching the day we find out the sexes of the twins! For fun, I've put up a poll to see what your guesses are. I can't wait to see what you think!
Stayed tuned for a new belly pic sometime in the next week....
Stayed tuned for a new belly pic sometime in the next week....
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Some great news
I'm exhausted, so this post is going to be quick. Basically, after all of the crap that happened in my last post, I still felt sick and felt like there was something really wrong. I went back to the doctor and they decided to test my blood sugar since I already have prediabetes and my 2 hour GTT was one point away from diabetes. The great news? My 2 hour level went WAY down - from 199 a few months ago to 145! Still no idea why I felt so odd, but it's getting better.
Week 15 started today. I will be taking a belly pic and posting it soon. Take care everyone!!!
Week 15 started today. I will be taking a belly pic and posting it soon. Take care everyone!!!
Friday, May 15, 2009
I hesitate to say I'm better....
It seems that every time I say I'm better or "on the mend," I get slammed with something else. After my first bout of UTI and the subsequent panic attacks and "stomach bug," I seemed to be good for about a week. Then last week, on Tuesday, I woke up and felt like the UTI was coming back. I quickly took pyridium (the stuff that turns your pee orange and is a freaking Godsend when you have a UTI). Stupidly, I took the pyridium before eating breakfast and as I brushed my teeth, out it came. So I finished getting ready and left for work.
My drive to work is only about 20 minutes on a good day, but that day it was raining so it took me more like 45. About halfway to work, I started having horrible back pain. It was excruciating. I was literally in tears and whimpering and moaning while trying to drive safely through the pouring rain. I was closer to work than home, and closer to doctors at work, so I continued there. As soon as I got to the office I called the doctor, and of course had to wait for a call back. Lunchtime rolls around and still no call. I'm still in pain at this point and sitting in odd positions trying to somehow double over backwards to try and ease the pain. After lunch I decided to call back because I just needed to know if they wanted me to come in, or if I could drive home and die comfortably in my bed rather than in my uncomfy office chair. They put a doctor on the phone and he said it sounded like the infection was coming back, so put me back on the meds I had taken before.
I went home and waited for my hubby to pick up the meds on his way home. As soon as he got home, I ate a late lunch/early dinner and took the first dose. Guess what happened next? Within hours I was panicking again for no reason. Then by about 2am I had that "stomach bug" back. Turns out I can't tolerate that medicine. I had to call and bug the nice ladies at the doctor's office again in the morning. This time they had me come in, pee in a cup and put me on a different medication, which was the only other thing they could give me, but which I *might* be allergic to. That was Wednesday. I seemed to improve over the next couple days, though I wasn't able to go back to work, thanks to that first drug's "stomach bug" effects.
By Friday night I was feeling pretty good. I laid down to sleep and woke up an hour later to pee and eat, which is not surprising since I've done that throughout the night for weeks now. I peed, ate, sat on the couch for a little bit since the eating woke me up some, then went to pee again. That's when I noticed it. Slightly orange pee. I had to think back to remember when I took the last pyridium, which happened to be Wednesday night. Hmmm. Ok, maybe just a fluke. Don't freak out. Waiting a little while longer, felt like I had to pee again, so I went back to the bathroom. This time it was deeper orange and you could see the blood swirling around in it. CRAP!
I called the on call doctor and told her what was going on. She suggested I come to labor and delivery right away and be checked out since it sounded like I had a kidney infection. So off I went with a groggy hubby on our first L&D trip. After hours of laying there freaking out that my kidneys would suddenly shut down and/or I would develop septicemia, the best the doctor could figure out was that I may have had a kidney stone. Then she went home and left me to finish my IV fluids and have a renal ultrasound done. By this time it was around 7am. By 9am, the results from the ultrasound were back and a different doctor was on call. He came in and checked me over and decided that it was most likely a kidney stone that I had already passed that tore me up inside, causing the bleeding. To be safe, and to keep me from going home and having to come back, he admitted me to the high risk OB unit for the night to get one round of very strong antibiotics and 3 more bags of IV fluids.
What a mother's day weekend. Not only was I terrified and in pain, I also missed a friend's wedding and spending mother's day with my mom. But wait! The saga continues...and I will update again once I have results from my latest episode. Hopefully I will get to talk to the doctor today, but if not it may have to wait until Monday. Still, I think I've given you plenty to read!
My drive to work is only about 20 minutes on a good day, but that day it was raining so it took me more like 45. About halfway to work, I started having horrible back pain. It was excruciating. I was literally in tears and whimpering and moaning while trying to drive safely through the pouring rain. I was closer to work than home, and closer to doctors at work, so I continued there. As soon as I got to the office I called the doctor, and of course had to wait for a call back. Lunchtime rolls around and still no call. I'm still in pain at this point and sitting in odd positions trying to somehow double over backwards to try and ease the pain. After lunch I decided to call back because I just needed to know if they wanted me to come in, or if I could drive home and die comfortably in my bed rather than in my uncomfy office chair. They put a doctor on the phone and he said it sounded like the infection was coming back, so put me back on the meds I had taken before.
I went home and waited for my hubby to pick up the meds on his way home. As soon as he got home, I ate a late lunch/early dinner and took the first dose. Guess what happened next? Within hours I was panicking again for no reason. Then by about 2am I had that "stomach bug" back. Turns out I can't tolerate that medicine. I had to call and bug the nice ladies at the doctor's office again in the morning. This time they had me come in, pee in a cup and put me on a different medication, which was the only other thing they could give me, but which I *might* be allergic to. That was Wednesday. I seemed to improve over the next couple days, though I wasn't able to go back to work, thanks to that first drug's "stomach bug" effects.
By Friday night I was feeling pretty good. I laid down to sleep and woke up an hour later to pee and eat, which is not surprising since I've done that throughout the night for weeks now. I peed, ate, sat on the couch for a little bit since the eating woke me up some, then went to pee again. That's when I noticed it. Slightly orange pee. I had to think back to remember when I took the last pyridium, which happened to be Wednesday night. Hmmm. Ok, maybe just a fluke. Don't freak out. Waiting a little while longer, felt like I had to pee again, so I went back to the bathroom. This time it was deeper orange and you could see the blood swirling around in it. CRAP!
I called the on call doctor and told her what was going on. She suggested I come to labor and delivery right away and be checked out since it sounded like I had a kidney infection. So off I went with a groggy hubby on our first L&D trip. After hours of laying there freaking out that my kidneys would suddenly shut down and/or I would develop septicemia, the best the doctor could figure out was that I may have had a kidney stone. Then she went home and left me to finish my IV fluids and have a renal ultrasound done. By this time it was around 7am. By 9am, the results from the ultrasound were back and a different doctor was on call. He came in and checked me over and decided that it was most likely a kidney stone that I had already passed that tore me up inside, causing the bleeding. To be safe, and to keep me from going home and having to come back, he admitted me to the high risk OB unit for the night to get one round of very strong antibiotics and 3 more bags of IV fluids.
What a mother's day weekend. Not only was I terrified and in pain, I also missed a friend's wedding and spending mother's day with my mom. But wait! The saga continues...and I will update again once I have results from my latest episode. Hopefully I will get to talk to the doctor today, but if not it may have to wait until Monday. Still, I think I've given you plenty to read!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Sorry It's Been So Long!
It's been a rough few weeks. First I was just tired and nauseous all the time. Then...hell week. I got a UTI, then a migraine, then massive panic attacks and then to top the week off, a horrible stomach bug that didn't allow me to hold food or medicine down. Thankfully, plain liquids stayed so I didn't get dehydrated. I'm much better now and staring at the 2nd trimester!
We had another ultrasound today. The babies are doing wonderfully! Hopefully my dearest will remember to scan the pictures in so I can show you. Baby A measures 12 weeks 1 day and has a heartbeat of 161. Baby B measures 12 weeks exactly and has a heartbeat of 156. Baby A was napping at first. Baby B was standing on its head and moving all around. B must have realize it was having pictures taken, and decided to wake A up - by kicking A in the head. A woke up and when it finally got turned around right, returned the kick to B's head. They are so adorable!
I'll try to get pictures up soon!!!!
We had another ultrasound today. The babies are doing wonderfully! Hopefully my dearest will remember to scan the pictures in so I can show you. Baby A measures 12 weeks 1 day and has a heartbeat of 161. Baby B measures 12 weeks exactly and has a heartbeat of 156. Baby A was napping at first. Baby B was standing on its head and moving all around. B must have realize it was having pictures taken, and decided to wake A up - by kicking A in the head. A woke up and when it finally got turned around right, returned the kick to B's head. They are so adorable!
I'll try to get pictures up soon!!!!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Pregnancy Week 6/7 and First Ultrasound
The poll is still up, but it looks like the winner is going to be calling it the week I'm in. With that, I'm in week 7. I'm also sick as hell. Last week and through Saturday, starting around 3 or 4pm, I was sick. Sunday it started at 12:30pm. Today...upon waking. Really, it never fully went away from Sunday. Ugh. I'll get through it though. I'm halfway through the first trimester and it gets better then, right?!?!?!?
On to the exciting news. We have a very healthy pregnancy. We had our first ultrasound this morning. The doctor was looking around and said to us "Ok, now let's see if they both have heartbeats." That's right, folks - BOTH. And yes, they both had happy little flickering hearts. So add me to the expecting twins list! We're totally in shock, but also just so happy! We have to scan the pics in, so I should hopefully have those up tomorrow.
And now....I'm going back to wallow in nausea.
On to the exciting news. We have a very healthy pregnancy. We had our first ultrasound this morning. The doctor was looking around and said to us "Ok, now let's see if they both have heartbeats." That's right, folks - BOTH. And yes, they both had happy little flickering hearts. So add me to the expecting twins list! We're totally in shock, but also just so happy! We have to scan the pics in, so I should hopefully have those up tomorrow.
And now....I'm going back to wallow in nausea.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Pregnancy: Week 5/6
First off, I know how confusing the pregnancy weeks thing is. Tomorrow I will have completed my 6th week, so I'll be 6 weeks pregnant, but I'll be in my 7th week. Crazy, I know. So I'm leaving it up to you guys as to how you want me to count my weeks. Apparently I really confused some people last week with the "Pregnancy Week 5." I was in my 5th week, and now I'm in my 6th. So, pick the week I'm in, or the week I've completed. You decide! I'm putting a poll on the blog. I'll leave it open until I complete my 7th week, so next Wednesday.
Now, not much new going on in the way of symptoms. I'm exhausted and have horrible gas pains, but I'm getting used to everything and just truckin' along now....and waiting for the morning sickness to hit. My best friend was so sweet to bring me a big tote full of her maternity clothes. Unfortunately they fit me now. The pants will work - some just at first and others probably most if not all the way through, but the tops barely fit my boobs now - and they haven't even grown yet! After going through all of the clothes and trying them on, I decided to look around online to see what was available in plus size maternity. Wow. A whole lot of ugly crap. I'm totally bummed over this. I was so looking forward to dressing up my bump. Oh well - more money for dressing my actual baby!
Hope everyone is well!
Now, not much new going on in the way of symptoms. I'm exhausted and have horrible gas pains, but I'm getting used to everything and just truckin' along now....and waiting for the morning sickness to hit. My best friend was so sweet to bring me a big tote full of her maternity clothes. Unfortunately they fit me now. The pants will work - some just at first and others probably most if not all the way through, but the tops barely fit my boobs now - and they haven't even grown yet! After going through all of the clothes and trying them on, I decided to look around online to see what was available in plus size maternity. Wow. A whole lot of ugly crap. I'm totally bummed over this. I was so looking forward to dressing up my bump. Oh well - more money for dressing my actual baby!
Hope everyone is well!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Pregnancy: Week 5
Now that I'm officially pregnant, I'm also officially having some symptoms. I've had the breast tenderness, frequent pee breaks - especially when I'm trying to fall asleep, and some random nausea, but now I have....
My first food aversion
This started at lunch on Friday. I had a Healthy Choice Cafe Steamer thing that was chicken marsala. It was good, but there was something in it that wasn't quite to my tummy's liking. I then moved on to soup. Now, there's a cafe in my office building that has a fabulous cook from Ukraine. She makes THE BEST soups ever. I particularly have always loved her cream of mushroom soup, which she rarely ever makes. Lo and behold, they had it on Friday so I jumped at the chance and figured I could count it at least as part of a veggie serving for the day. After eating the chicken marsala, I open my soup. Then it hits me. The soup smells like feet...and tastes similar. I was able to get some of it down with the help of some very good bread, but for the rest of the day and even into this morning, I was queasy. Then this morning, as I usually do, I got up, flopped down on the couch, put the food network on the tv and checked my email. I was fine until the cook (I can't remember her name - she's a chef and has spiky white hair and growls alot) sliced up a roasted mushroom. And there you have it folks, I can no longer smell, eat or even look at a mushroom without feeling ill. My husband is very happy about this since he hates mushrooms anyway. I would post a picture to add to the post, but I fear what might happen if I google image search mushrooms.
This started at lunch on Friday. I had a Healthy Choice Cafe Steamer thing that was chicken marsala. It was good, but there was something in it that wasn't quite to my tummy's liking. I then moved on to soup. Now, there's a cafe in my office building that has a fabulous cook from Ukraine. She makes THE BEST soups ever. I particularly have always loved her cream of mushroom soup, which she rarely ever makes. Lo and behold, they had it on Friday so I jumped at the chance and figured I could count it at least as part of a veggie serving for the day. After eating the chicken marsala, I open my soup. Then it hits me. The soup smells like feet...and tastes similar. I was able to get some of it down with the help of some very good bread, but for the rest of the day and even into this morning, I was queasy. Then this morning, as I usually do, I got up, flopped down on the couch, put the food network on the tv and checked my email. I was fine until the cook (I can't remember her name - she's a chef and has spiky white hair and growls alot) sliced up a roasted mushroom. And there you have it folks, I can no longer smell, eat or even look at a mushroom without feeling ill. My husband is very happy about this since he hates mushrooms anyway. I would post a picture to add to the post, but I fear what might happen if I google image search mushrooms.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
The Home Stretch...so to speak
My two week wait is coming to a close. We will know one way or the other on Thursday. If the results are negative (as I suspect), we have a plan for future treatments. One round of IUI and if nothing, we take a year to year and a half off to save for IVF and try, try again!
You may be wondering why I'm so sure I'm not pregnant. After all I have raging heartburn, I threw up in the shower last night (at least I could clean up easily!) and today I've been the peeing queen. I guess when you've spent the better part of 2 years NOT getting pregnant, you just assume you will never actually get pregnant. And honestly these symptoms aren't even getting me excited. I tried to get excited about it today, but apparently I am now dead inside when it comes to TTC.
I still hope for my BFP, but I'm feeling fabulous with a looming BFN now that our future TTC plans are in place.
You may be wondering why I'm so sure I'm not pregnant. After all I have raging heartburn, I threw up in the shower last night (at least I could clean up easily!) and today I've been the peeing queen. I guess when you've spent the better part of 2 years NOT getting pregnant, you just assume you will never actually get pregnant. And honestly these symptoms aren't even getting me excited. I tried to get excited about it today, but apparently I am now dead inside when it comes to TTC.
I still hope for my BFP, but I'm feeling fabulous with a looming BFN now that our future TTC plans are in place.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
4DPO
That's right. I've ovulated! Both follies have spit out eggs and I'm hoping at least one of them is getting ready to implant and become my baby.
I'm taking things very easy this cycle. I'm barely paying attention now. I'm sure that will change in a week or so. Thankfully I'm very busy at work with tax season and the market tanking, that I don't have time during the day to over analyze everything. It's really helped not temping. It was hard at first because I really liked having some feeling of control over things, but it quickly got very easy to do nothing and just let the doctors and nurses tell me when to BD and what was happening.
Maybe because I'm "relaxed" now I'll finally get pregnant! As much as it would piss me off that I relaxed and got pregnant, I don't care - I just want to be knocked up!!!
In other news: My best friend had her baby 8 days ago! He's a beautiful little boy named Andrew and I'm just smitten with him! Also, congratulations to Mona who found out yesterday that she is having a boy. Thank Heaven for little boys!
I'm taking things very easy this cycle. I'm barely paying attention now. I'm sure that will change in a week or so. Thankfully I'm very busy at work with tax season and the market tanking, that I don't have time during the day to over analyze everything. It's really helped not temping. It was hard at first because I really liked having some feeling of control over things, but it quickly got very easy to do nothing and just let the doctors and nurses tell me when to BD and what was happening.
Maybe because I'm "relaxed" now I'll finally get pregnant! As much as it would piss me off that I relaxed and got pregnant, I don't care - I just want to be knocked up!!!
In other news: My best friend had her baby 8 days ago! He's a beautiful little boy named Andrew and I'm just smitten with him! Also, congratulations to Mona who found out yesterday that she is having a boy. Thank Heaven for little boys!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Of course, you know...this means war!
I've said before that I find songs express things so much better than I ever could. Today, driving home from picking up my extra Gonal-F - since they've upped my dose so high I didn't have enough - I was listening to my buddy, Elvis Costello. Ok, so he's not my buddy. I've never met him. I've never even seen him perform live, but I think if we ever did meet, we'd probably get along fantastically and be good buddies. He just seems like a person that I would click with.
Anyway....as I listen to any song I really love, I try to relate it somehow to my own life. One of my favorite Elvis Costello songs is "Two Little Hitlers," which until this afternoon, I had yet to be able to relate to myself. Then it hit me as I puttered up the road with my stash of injections next to me. The clouds parted and the sun shown down on me while I thought "DUH!" Let me quote the song.
"Two Little Hitlers will fight it out until
One Little Hilter does the other ones will."
See, I'm one of those two little Hitlers. It's me against the second little Hilter - my reproductive system.
"I'd like to join the party,
But I was not invited."
My stupid ovaries refuse to send my invitation to the Mommy Party.
"Running after tidbits."
How many hours in the past 22 months have I spent staring at my chart hoping to find something that would tell me I'm pregnant? How many "symptoms" have I had that made me think "Finally! THIS month is it!"
"I need my head examined."
Pretty sure that one is self-explanatory. ;)
So you may be saying "Kate, what is the point of this post? We all know you're nuts!" The point my dear friends is that I will win this fight and force my ovaries to do MY will! Yes, I know the real Hitler lost his fight - thankfully! - but this girl ain't givin' up!
Hmmm...I wonder how many hits I'll get from neo-nazis googling Hilter. I'm sure they will be disappointed in this link. Too bad!
Anyway....as I listen to any song I really love, I try to relate it somehow to my own life. One of my favorite Elvis Costello songs is "Two Little Hitlers," which until this afternoon, I had yet to be able to relate to myself. Then it hit me as I puttered up the road with my stash of injections next to me. The clouds parted and the sun shown down on me while I thought "DUH!" Let me quote the song.
One Little Hilter does the other ones will."
See, I'm one of those two little Hitlers. It's me against the second little Hilter - my reproductive system.
But I was not invited."
My stupid ovaries refuse to send my invitation to the Mommy Party.
How many hours in the past 22 months have I spent staring at my chart hoping to find something that would tell me I'm pregnant? How many "symptoms" have I had that made me think "Finally! THIS month is it!"
Pretty sure that one is self-explanatory. ;)
So you may be saying "Kate, what is the point of this post? We all know you're nuts!" The point my dear friends is that I will win this fight and force my ovaries to do MY will! Yes, I know the real Hitler lost his fight - thankfully! - but this girl ain't givin' up!
Hmmm...I wonder how many hits I'll get from neo-nazis googling Hilter. I'm sure they will be disappointed in this link. Too bad!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Injectible Cycle 2 Update
Just a quick update for you stalkers out there. Things aren't going quite as well as I had hoped. My estrogen levels really aren't rising very well. On CD3 it was 51, CD6 still 51 and CD8 (today) was only 83. It is rising, so that's good. They've upped my Gonal-F dose again. I started at 112.5, went to 150 and now 187.5.
Send some dust my way please - I need to get to this point:
Send some dust my way please - I need to get to this point:
Monday, February 16, 2009
Injections, Round 2
I started my second round of injections on Saturday - Valentine's Day. I have to say this time it's MUCH easier to "shoot up." Over the past month of injections - those I give myself and those given by the nurse - I've noticed something. If the needle goes into the left side of my body, it hurts and usually bleeds a bit. If it goes in the right, I don't feel a damn thing. Strange, huh?
This has so far held true with Injections Numero Dos. Saturday and Sunday I stabbed the right side of my belly button. No problem. Tonight, the left - OW and a bit of blood. I guess that's just one more way my body is "abnormal."
Anyway, I did get some good news today. My IRL fertility-challenged friend (you guys are all real as well, but this girl I knew before TTC/PCOS/insanity when we were in college together) got her BFP today! So Congratulations, Kim! So happy for you! I hope I follow in your footsteps :) We do have the same doctor after all....
This has so far held true with Injections Numero Dos. Saturday and Sunday I stabbed the right side of my belly button. No problem. Tonight, the left - OW and a bit of blood. I guess that's just one more way my body is "abnormal."
Anyway, I did get some good news today. My IRL fertility-challenged friend (you guys are all real as well, but this girl I knew before TTC/PCOS/insanity when we were in college together) got her BFP today! So Congratulations, Kim! So happy for you! I hope I follow in your footsteps :) We do have the same doctor after all....
Monday, February 9, 2009
21 Months of Fail
Dear BFN and PCOS,
It's not often I find the "perfect" card for someone, but today I found the perfect card for you both.
With utmost hate,
Kate
It's not often I find the "perfect" card for someone, but today I found the perfect card for you both.
With utmost hate,
Kate
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Cranial Explosion in 3...2...
1! It's tax season. I hate tax season. I say that certain things are the bane of my existence - my broker/dealer, my boss, the other owner, infertility (notice how the majority has to do with work) - but the one that is the largest bane (is there such a thing?) is tax season and everything it encompasses. My stress level today was through the roof. That can't be good for TTC/my possible bean. I need to relearn how to deal with work stress. Infertility stress - no problem! I'm a pro at that. So, in my search for a cute picture to add, I found my new coping strategy.
On a happier note, the hCG shots should be starting to wear off. I'm now getting some more cramping randomly and my boobs are definitely feeling different. It's got me thinking just maybe this is it. Check it out if you can read it. We'll know for sure by Monday at the latest.
Well, it's the month of love - so come on girls - go make some love and make some babies!
On a happier note, the hCG shots should be starting to wear off. I'm now getting some more cramping randomly and my boobs are definitely feeling different. It's got me thinking just maybe this is it. Check it out if you can read it. We'll know for sure by Monday at the latest.
Well, it's the month of love - so come on girls - go make some love and make some babies!
Friday, January 30, 2009
HCG, the Great Mind F*ck
And I thought progesterone mimicked pregnancy! Nope. HCG is worse. Obviously, of course since it is the pregnancy hormone. In the past week, I've had the following symptoms:
O-day: O Pain, Increased Appetite, Heartburn
1dpo: Increased Appetite, Gassy, Heartburn
2dpo, 3dpo: more of the same, minus the heartburn
4dpo: same, adding in mild AF like cramps
5dpo: Fatigue that hasn't let up yet
7dpo: Nausea
8dpo (today): Dizziness, Nausea, Fatigue, Headache, Mild Cramps
Check it out...
A number of my TTC girls are convinced I'm pregnant. I am not convinced. I've had a total of 4 shots of hCG in the past week and a half. That's all it is, along with the progesterone. At least I'll know what early pregnancy feels like!
O-day: O Pain, Increased Appetite, Heartburn
1dpo: Increased Appetite, Gassy, Heartburn
2dpo, 3dpo: more of the same, minus the heartburn
4dpo: same, adding in mild AF like cramps
5dpo: Fatigue that hasn't let up yet
7dpo: Nausea
8dpo (today): Dizziness, Nausea, Fatigue, Headache, Mild Cramps
Check it out...
A number of my TTC girls are convinced I'm pregnant. I am not convinced. I've had a total of 4 shots of hCG in the past week and a half. That's all it is, along with the progesterone. At least I'll know what early pregnancy feels like!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Oh the ups and downs
I wonder what tomorrow will bring. Yesterday I was sure we'd be on our way to IUI or IVF. Today, the PCT was great and Hollie the Follie has left my ovary! She's dancing with the guys and gals that I didn't kill off and hopefully letting one in to make me Mommy!
Have a great night!
Have a great night!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Well...now it's just Damn.
I had the post coital test this morning. As it turns out, at least today, I have so many white blood cells in my CM that it's killing the swimmers. I also seem to have lower estrogen than what they would like to see at this point in the cycle. So, here's the next steps:
Tonight: BD and pray that things go better tomorrow.
Tomorrow: Repeat PCT and u/s. Possible bloodwork.
Friday: HCG shot given by the nurses (cause it has to go in my butt), start progesterone.
Monday: HCG shot again.
Wednesday: Bloodwork.
Thursday: Last HCG shot.
February 9th: Blood pregnancy test.
The HCG shots are to hopefully raise the estrogen level, I believe. If the PCT comes back bad again tomorrow, even though Doctor Hippie says she's seen bad PCTs with pregnancy, I'm thinking it's on to IUI next cycle.
Thanks for the support - Love you all!
Tomorrow: Repeat PCT and u/s. Possible bloodwork.
Friday: HCG shot given by the nurses (cause it has to go in my butt), start progesterone.
Monday: HCG shot again.
Wednesday: Bloodwork.
Thursday: Last HCG shot.
February 9th: Blood pregnancy test.
The HCG shots are to hopefully raise the estrogen level, I believe. If the PCT comes back bad again tomorrow, even though Doctor Hippie says she's seen bad PCTs with pregnancy, I'm thinking it's on to IUI next cycle.
Thanks for the support - Love you all!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Hot Damn!!!
I have one lovely follie! Kerri named her Hollie the Follie. I love it! I love her! I love Hollie the Follie! I love everything right now!
So I've done my Ovidrel shot, and tonight and tomorrow night are "homework" nights. Tomorrow morning I go in for another ultrasound and the post-coital test. I can barely sit still I'm so excited! I feel like I could dance a jig!
Keep those prayers coming girls. I REALLY hope this is finally it for us!
So I've done my Ovidrel shot, and tonight and tomorrow night are "homework" nights. Tomorrow morning I go in for another ultrasound and the post-coital test. I can barely sit still I'm so excited! I feel like I could dance a jig!
Keep those prayers coming girls. I REALLY hope this is finally it for us!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Blah
No follies as of yesterday morning. My estrogen was 604, but I had not one follie other than my PCOS cysts. I have no idea why I'm not responding to pure FSH, but I need your prayers that my scan tomorrow will show at least a little something!
Now I'm off to go sulk a little more and hopefully get rid of my headache.
Now I'm off to go sulk a little more and hopefully get rid of my headache.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I've been meaning to write this for 2 days. Oops.
It's been a busy couple of days, but I wanted to tell everyone about my blood draw from yesterday and apologize for the delay!
Friday morning - ass early as usual - I make my way out of my nice, comfy, warm bed and into the frozen tundra that is my bedroom. I shiver a bit and wish that I didn't have to go anywhere, but then remember that this is all in the interest of baby making and if I get my wish, late mornings will be a thing of the past. So I get dressed and ready for work, grab my purse and off I go running only about 5 minutes later than I had planned.
I park in the first spot by the door, walk inside and sign in. I see Ms Former Favorite Nurse, but thankfully her back is turned to me and Ms New Favorite Nurse comes out to get me instead. I reminded her I needed to lay down. She *gasp* has absolutely no problem with that! As I explained the situation briefly to her, she totally understood. I made sure to talk a little loud so Former Favorite could hear. When it was over, even though it hurt and I'm bruised like a sonnovabitch, I was much happier than last time.
I asked her when the ultrasound would come in to the picture here. Former Favorite stepped in to the room and said that they have to wait for the estrogen level to hit 150 before they can see anything at all. Now really, how hard was that to tell me? It probably took much less breath than the grunted nos and not yets I got from her earlier in the week.
Anyway, I was lucky enough to not only have New Favorite to draw the blood, but I also got one of the other nurses when I called in for my dose. Not only am I sticking with the same dose last night and tonight, but I have my ultrasound tomorrow morning! I said 'Oh! So my estrogen is at least 150 now?" and Nice Nurse looked in my chart and said it was 141, so it would be over 150 by Sunday. Woo! Ultrasound first thing in the morning! I will be so excited to get up for that :)
Let's hope I'm growing at least one big healthy Betty in there!
In other news...I am getting my hair cut tomorrow. I know, that's not generally something that is newsworthy, but it's been 7 months since I've had a trim. Tomorrow I'm going to the big spa and using my Spa Finder gift certificate (from my wedding shower almost 3 years ago lol) and getting a Design/Cut/Style done. I really hope it turns out well! I need at least 4 inches cut off this mop I call hair. After that it's off to my father in law's house to watch the Ravens v. Steelers game. GO RAVENS!!!
Friday morning - ass early as usual - I make my way out of my nice, comfy, warm bed and into the frozen tundra that is my bedroom. I shiver a bit and wish that I didn't have to go anywhere, but then remember that this is all in the interest of baby making and if I get my wish, late mornings will be a thing of the past. So I get dressed and ready for work, grab my purse and off I go running only about 5 minutes later than I had planned.
I park in the first spot by the door, walk inside and sign in. I see Ms Former Favorite Nurse, but thankfully her back is turned to me and Ms New Favorite Nurse comes out to get me instead. I reminded her I needed to lay down. She *gasp* has absolutely no problem with that! As I explained the situation briefly to her, she totally understood. I made sure to talk a little loud so Former Favorite could hear. When it was over, even though it hurt and I'm bruised like a sonnovabitch, I was much happier than last time.
I asked her when the ultrasound would come in to the picture here. Former Favorite stepped in to the room and said that they have to wait for the estrogen level to hit 150 before they can see anything at all. Now really, how hard was that to tell me? It probably took much less breath than the grunted nos and not yets I got from her earlier in the week.
Anyway, I was lucky enough to not only have New Favorite to draw the blood, but I also got one of the other nurses when I called in for my dose. Not only am I sticking with the same dose last night and tonight, but I have my ultrasound tomorrow morning! I said 'Oh! So my estrogen is at least 150 now?" and Nice Nurse looked in my chart and said it was 141, so it would be over 150 by Sunday. Woo! Ultrasound first thing in the morning! I will be so excited to get up for that :)
Let's hope I'm growing at least one big healthy Betty in there!
In other news...I am getting my hair cut tomorrow. I know, that's not generally something that is newsworthy, but it's been 7 months since I've had a trim. Tomorrow I'm going to the big spa and using my Spa Finder gift certificate (from my wedding shower almost 3 years ago lol) and getting a Design/Cut/Style done. I really hope it turns out well! I need at least 4 inches cut off this mop I call hair. After that it's off to my father in law's house to watch the Ravens v. Steelers game. GO RAVENS!!!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Follow Up Appointment
I was all ready this morning for my ultrasound and bloodwork. I was even on time for the appointment (I am perpetually 5 - 15 minutes late for most things). I get to the office and sign in.
The nurse brought me back and said that I wasn't having an ultrasound today, just bloodwork. She then told me to sit down and she would draw the blood. I reminded her that I have to lay down or I will pass out. She then proceeded to tell me that she could "get me over" fainting. I explained like I do every time I go in for bloodwork that I have the vasovagal reaction, not a fear of needles. She pressed the issue and looked at me like I was an idiot and didn't know what I was talking about, and asked if I wanted to "try" sitting up. I said "If you want to pick me off the floor, sure."
I got to lay down, but I guess my snarky remark pissed her off because when she stuck me, she really STUCK me. I have no idea why she chose the smallest vein in my arm, but I'm not the professional. Now, about halfway through the draw as my blood is flowing nicely through the tubes and into the vial, Ms. Former Favorite Nurse decided it would be a good idea to yank the vial up closer to her face causing the needle to feel like it was going to rip out of my arm sideways. I was not happy, but she had the ability to inflict pain on her side, so I held my tongue.
I got her on the phone when I called for my dose and she didn't sound happy to speak with me at all. Anyway, I have two more nights of the same dose and then more bloodwork on Friday morning. She better not be the one to draw it on Friday, but if she is she better be a hell of a lot less condescending and less stabby/pully with the draw or I may not be able to hold my tongue again.
I still have no ultrasound setup. I have no idea when that will be. Friday will make CD8, which is a little early I guess, but I've seen ladies on injectibles that do their trigger shot on CD11. I just want to see what my ovaries are doing!!!!
Hope everyone is having a good week....
The nurse brought me back and said that I wasn't having an ultrasound today, just bloodwork. She then told me to sit down and she would draw the blood. I reminded her that I have to lay down or I will pass out. She then proceeded to tell me that she could "get me over" fainting. I explained like I do every time I go in for bloodwork that I have the vasovagal reaction, not a fear of needles. She pressed the issue and looked at me like I was an idiot and didn't know what I was talking about, and asked if I wanted to "try" sitting up. I said "If you want to pick me off the floor, sure."
I got to lay down, but I guess my snarky remark pissed her off because when she stuck me, she really STUCK me. I have no idea why she chose the smallest vein in my arm, but I'm not the professional. Now, about halfway through the draw as my blood is flowing nicely through the tubes and into the vial, Ms. Former Favorite Nurse decided it would be a good idea to yank the vial up closer to her face causing the needle to feel like it was going to rip out of my arm sideways. I was not happy, but she had the ability to inflict pain on her side, so I held my tongue.
I got her on the phone when I called for my dose and she didn't sound happy to speak with me at all. Anyway, I have two more nights of the same dose and then more bloodwork on Friday morning. She better not be the one to draw it on Friday, but if she is she better be a hell of a lot less condescending and less stabby/pully with the draw or I may not be able to hold my tongue again.
I still have no ultrasound setup. I have no idea when that will be. Friday will make CD8, which is a little early I guess, but I've seen ladies on injectibles that do their trigger shot on CD11. I just want to see what my ovaries are doing!!!!
Hope everyone is having a good week....
Sunday, January 11, 2009
The Mad Scientist Strikes!
I did it! With a little help from Courtney (Thanks again! You're the best!) my first injection was a success. I mixed the vial of powder with the special water. I let the bubbles "settle." I filled my syringe. Then I freaked out a little bit and called Courtney. In the end, it wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be. It's still sore and bruised feeling, but that's normal even if it is annoying.
So I have 2 more nights of this dose then I go in Wednesday morning for an ultrasound and bloodwork. I can't wait to see what my ovaries are going to do! Wow. Excitement. That's a feeling I thought was long gone in the TTC arena....
Coming soon to my stomach...
....needles. Needles, needles and more needles. Not the Gonal-F pen, like I thought. No, I'm not that lucky. I get to mix my own medication, fill a syringe, and then inject it.
That will be me tonight - except not the pen part. I can't even find a picture of the non-pen injections! I also don't get to jab the side of my stomach. I get to inject at a little smile under my belly button. Isn't it nice how they describe these things? "A smile." Yeah, I'm really thinking "smile" through all of this.
To be continued....I will post again after the injection tonight.
That will be me tonight - except not the pen part. I can't even find a picture of the non-pen injections! I also don't get to jab the side of my stomach. I get to inject at a little smile under my belly button. Isn't it nice how they describe these things? "A smile." Yeah, I'm really thinking "smile" through all of this.
To be continued....I will post again after the injection tonight.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Houston, we have AF!
Finally!!!
Goddard Space Center is just an hour down the road from me - think they could help knock me up? Their ships are quite phallic looking....
So ladies and gents - well, one gent (hi Marc!) - I start shooting myself full of Gonal-F Sunday. I popped in my educational DVD last night to review how to give myself the injection. It's been quite a few years since I used a syringe, but I stabbed lots of oranges back in college with my nursing student roomie. We also injected said oranges with vodka. Ahhh, college. Too bad the vodka didn't mix well inside the orange. The nurses at the fertility center will refresh me on it as well when I go for my ultrasound and bloodwork on Sunday - injections, not vodka oranges, that is.
Anyhoo...I'm nervous about it, but very excited. This has GOT to at least get me to ovulate. I mean, I'm giving myself straight FSH. How can follicle stimulating hormone fail me? Please tell me it won't fail me!!! But really, I'm so excited I don't even care that I have to get up at my normal workweek time Sunday to get my ultrasound and bloodwork done - and that's saying alot because I LOVE my sleep!
Well, wish me luck! I'm so glad I'll have something more to write about here. This last month has been SO boring on the TTC front!
And now back to work...
Goddard Space Center is just an hour down the road from me - think they could help knock me up? Their ships are quite phallic looking....
So ladies and gents - well, one gent (hi Marc!) - I start shooting myself full of Gonal-F Sunday. I popped in my educational DVD last night to review how to give myself the injection. It's been quite a few years since I used a syringe, but I stabbed lots of oranges back in college with my nursing student roomie. We also injected said oranges with vodka. Ahhh, college. Too bad the vodka didn't mix well inside the orange. The nurses at the fertility center will refresh me on it as well when I go for my ultrasound and bloodwork on Sunday - injections, not vodka oranges, that is.
Anyhoo...I'm nervous about it, but very excited. This has GOT to at least get me to ovulate. I mean, I'm giving myself straight FSH. How can follicle stimulating hormone fail me? Please tell me it won't fail me!!! But really, I'm so excited I don't even care that I have to get up at my normal workweek time Sunday to get my ultrasound and bloodwork done - and that's saying alot because I LOVE my sleep!
Well, wish me luck! I'm so glad I'll have something more to write about here. This last month has been SO boring on the TTC front!
And now back to work...
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