Becoming Steadier...

It’s been awhile – over a month since my last tearful post. Thankfully, I’m not as tearful these days. Don’t get me wrong – I love and miss Wally and Liz will all my heart, think of them every day and still cry over them, but I’ve done a lot of soul searching want to share a few things that I have learned over the last two and a half months. Maybe some of this will help someone else going through a loss.

First, I realize that it isn’t just a loss. I gained so much in 18 weeks. I gained the knowledge that I can, in fact get pregnant and grow strong, healthy kids. I gained the experience of being pregnant, even though that meant being sick for months on end, and the experience of meeting my children for the first, though for me only, time. I gained my angels in Heaven and becoming a mom. I gained the knowledge of who your true friends are. I can’t even tell you the outpouring of love and support we received from so many and the surprise of who wasn’t there for us. I also gained confidence for a full term delivery and the experience of healing from a natural birth. Next time I won’t be scared of the unknown.

Second, after thinking of all the things I gained, I took a good look around me and saw that even though I felt empty at the time, I have so much to be thankful for. I have a loving husband, a wonderful family and fabulous friends. I couldn’t ask for a better or more understanding boss in this situation. I have an apartment, plenty of food and clothing, safety, love and a million other things I had been taking for granted on my quest to become a mom. This has made me more mindful of those in need. In addition to dealing with my grief through time, love and a little bit of self-pampering, I’m trying to reach out to those who aren’t so lucky as me. It feels good to know that Wally and Liz’s lives will have meaning and help others, and even though it will be unknown to the recipients, it’s ok. I know that someone is better off for my children’s short lives and that brings me a great deal of comfort. I haven’t chosen a particular charity or cause to support in their honor…yet. I have a feeling that in the months and years to come, I will find something that really “fits” them.

Lastly, in thinking about how much I love and miss them, I realized that I was being a bit selfish. Who am I to deny them the joys of Heaven for my own comfort? And for that matter, who am I to deny Heaven my children?

It’s taken me quite a while to sit down and write this. I’ve wanted to let you all know that I’m doing better, but I just couldn’t find the words to express what I’ve been feeling. When I was having a good day I didn’t want to bring myself down, and when I was having a bad day it was just too hard to get the words out.

I want to thank you all for your love and support. I can never express how much it has helped get through the grief. Bryan and I have a lot more hurdles to jump in the grieving process – our birthdays, the due date, Thanksgiving, Christmas – but we’ll get through it, be stronger for it and we will bring a healthy baby home soon.

Love you all…