I am no longer making any commitments or having any expectations about this blog. It may continue or it may not. But being the Cancer that I am, I am always coming back to the sentimental, the nostalgic, to my most self-reflective self. In a middle of a bout of reading old emails and reflecting on past relationships, I found myself also in a YouTube spiral of old Billy Bragg songs and videos that I used to love and watch repeatedly. I then thought it would good to have a place to dump all of that so I could curate my spiral down memory lane when it inevitably returns every 2-4 years. So here it is:
You Make Me Brave (Acoustic):
On a Good Day – (Joanna Newsom cover):
Billy Bragg on an early episode of Never Mind the Buzzcocks:
Fairy Tale of New York – Florence and Billy Bragg (I wish there was a better quality video of this)
She’s Got A New Spell (in all that hip swaying glory)
A quick list that I’m making myself do even though I really don’t want to.
This pool scene from the show “Shrill”. I’ve had moments similar to this that were life-changing and affirming and it makes me teary to watch this moment happen on television.
Even though Game of Thrones ended up being terrible and disappointing (I can’t even get into – Lost all over again.), I have really enjoyed the years of excitement, conversations, memes, and general fandom that the show has produced.
Getting to hear “Shallow” being sung in Karaoke at least 4 times this weekend, which I will probably always prefer over the Gaga and Bradley Cooper version.
Getting out of bed everyday when all I want to do is hide and never leave the house.
Having a really beautiful weekend with lovely people and being outside in nature and picking flowers and eating yummy foods and laughing so incredibly hard that I will either throw up or pee myself.
My home. It’s still a work in progress but I love making it nice and usually never want to leave.
TV shows and movies that are coming out this year. I’m genuinely so excited to watch this with Jason.
I find it pretty strange as to why my 2014 self would stop writing on the brink of some of the biggest changes in my life.
In September 2014, I moved out of my mom’s house, and at 29, lived on my own for the very first time, which was the hardest and most wonderful transition. So much discovery and growth happened and I don’t think I can sum up those last 5 years into that many insightful words but for my own documentation, I will try to provide a highlight reel.
I moved into an amazing apartment at Dovercourt and Bloor, despite not being employed, the heart-breaking silence that came from most of my family, and the overall fear of the unknown. It was literally the kind of apartment I had written about in my journal as a teen and was so happy to stretch myself out into the person I always wanted to be, grow my friend circle, share myself and my space in ways that felt authentic and so so lovely.
I said good bye to and grieved two really incredible relationships that were so seminal to my life. Ultimately I know that the transition was the best thing for me and have shifted into different roles in my life, but I wanted to acknowledge their importance to me.
I am no longer a school teacher. I started this blog when I was in teacher’s college and spent a lot of this blog relating and reflecting on my teaching and now it’s not part of my life anymore. It was a decision that was sort of forced on me but don’t regret it and I know it was best for my mental health and overall well-being.
The chosen family I have met in the last 5+ years are some of the most incredible people. I’m sure most of my future posts will be dedicated to how much I love them and how they have truly saved my life. They have shown what it means to live authentically (on my own terms), show vulnerability, and push myself even when it’s hard, even when I want to give up.
I met and married my love! Jason is just the sweetest and I am incredibly grateful that we found each other and that we get to grow in our lives together.
I most recently moved into a house with some of my best friends and we are creating the dreamiest home.
There is obviously so much more that I will share and reflect on as I continue to try and write and remember.
I recently came across this blog again and was pleasantly surprised and only sort of embarrassed by the content. Remember when the internet was a seemingly safe and anonymous place where you could dump all your feelings and it didn’t come back to haunt you or be used against you later? Well, it felt like that for me.
Anyway, I enjoyed reading past posts and having a documentation of a time when I pushed myself into writing posi vibes only and some sad processing thoughts too. And since we are coming closer and closer to our ultimate demise on this planet, why not find a place that no one reads and process some more.
I’m so much older and kind of wiser and have lots of things that I’m grateful for and make me happy so I should make writing about them as part of my mindfulness practice.
“A long time ago, when you were a wee thing, you learned something, some way to cope, something that, if you did it, would help you survive. It wasn’t the healthiest thing, it wasn’t gonna get you free, but it was gonna keep you alive. You learned it, at five or six, and it worked, it *did* help you survive. You carried it with you all your life, used it whenever you needed it. It got you out–out of your assbackwards town, away from an abuser, out of range of your mother’s un-love. Or whatever. It worked for you. You’re still here now partly because of this thing that you learned. The thing is, though, at some point you stopped needing it. At some point, you got far enough away, surrounded yourself with people who love you. You survived. And because you survived, you now had a shot at more than just staying alive. You had a shot now at getting free. But that thing that you learned when you were five was not then and is not now designed to help you be free. It is designed only to help you survive. And, in fact, it keeps you from being free. You need to figure out what this thing is and work your ass off to un-learn it. Because the things we learn to do to survive at all costs are not the things that will help us get FREE. Getting free is a whole different journey altogether.”
I’m too sleepy to write a proper post, but my heart is full. I am having all of the feelings for everyone who loves me and puts up with me and even reads all the things that I write (and never write about) or thinks about me all the time or even sometimes. I’m feeling lots about finishing school for 2013 and being able to dance to Thriller in my Islamic school grade one class. And this whole damn Beyonce album.
I hope I still feel like this tomorrow so I can write about it properly.
1. Asam posted this quote on Facebook recently that really resonated with me: “Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening. Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.” — Alice Walker
The last 4 years have been full of transitions: incredible relationships have developed, have left me and have affected me. I have finished school and started school and finished school. I have lost jobs and got jobs and lost jobs and got jobs. I also feel like I have been holding my breath all this time, wanting and waiting for things to change. All the while not realizing how much I have been in motion this whole time.
2. I’m not really a podcast person at all, probably since I don’t have a lot of time where I’m just sitting and not doing anything else, but since shooting a lot more film (pretty much only shooting film), I have been listening to the Film Photography Podcaston a regular basis. It brings me so much joy to listen to a bunch of white folks get nerdy about film and cameras and techniques.
3. My 4 year old niece Nur is home schooled, so when I see her, she always wants to know about my classroom happenings and what it’s like to be a teacher. She wants to know the names of all my students and about their personalities, and what kinds of shenanigans they get up to. I always tell her these elaborate stories, like when a kid peed their pants because waited too long to ask to go to the bathroom, or how another one vomited in front of everyone, or when someone threw their whole lunch in the garbage because they didn’t like what their mom made for them. All of these stories horrify and fascinate her all at once and she wants to know every single detail over and over, as if she’s taking mental notes on what not to do when she goes to school. It’s so fun and hilarious to see the seriousness in her face. I hardly talk to my family about what happens in my class, except when I tell these stories to Nur.
4. Molly. She’s just the best and love our friendship a lot. I’m not afraid of the affection and the vulnerability between us, and that’s new for me.
5. This new Beyoncé album. I can’t stop. I spent yesterday’s every waking and sleeping moment thinking about/listening to this. I’m feeling a lot of admiration (a little bit of criticism) towards her, but this album and videos are stirring up a lot for me.
For the past month or so I haven’t been writing because I honestly didn’t have anything to be happy about or when I sort of did, I didn’t have a moment to spend time to think and reflect on it.
School has taken a toll on me. When people ask me about it, I mostly avoid the topic because there’s too much to say and it’s not very interesting to complain and whine about how difficult it has been. And they can mostly see it from the exhaustion on my face and the bags under my eyes anyway.
There are parts of it I really enjoy: my students are mostly entertaining and sweet when they (and their parents) aren’t completely dependent on me, I have some really amazing co-workers who keep me going throughout the day, and once a week I get to teach the older kids Sign Language, which excites me so much (because they are actually learning and practicing it).
But then there are the not so nice things: 14 hours days (and being on my feet for most of that time), meetings, events, planning, worries that I am failing at everything I am doing with these kids, not taking care of my health (and my body just not being happy with me, especially when I continue to go to work when I am sick), sleepless nights, evaluations, report cards, trying to fit in time for It Gets Fatter and photography and friendships, and not any time for family things (like not seeing my nephew on his 2nd birthday because of an It Gets Fatter event).
I’m taking on a lot at once and spreading myself out so thin. For the last two weeks, I have cried myself to sleep every night out of frustration and exhaustion and sadness. Sometimes when the negativity is really bad, I just think I’m doing everything wrong; my teaching, my relationships, my life in general. It makes me feel like my life will always be like this. But then I think it might be, but it will also have so many small moments of simple joys that help me keep going and remind me that I’m doing the best I can with the energy and skills that I have.
And even though the next two weeks are going to continue to be incredibly busy and I have so many things to still get done, meetings to go to, lessons to plan,commitments to fulfill, this is still going to be a happy post, with a happy list:
1. This song.
I have been listening to it so much. And I love it but it makes me cry so much.
2. My phone. I feel like the only way I have been able to communicate with the world outside of school has been through my beautiful, reliable phone. Snapchat, WhatsApp, iMessage, email, Instagram, facebook, texts, FaceTime, etc. have saved me and have kept me less lonely (even though I am surrounded by people at all times). If you want to get a hold of me, that’s the way to do it (I might not be able to respond right away but I read and I appreciate it so much).
3. This picture, and pretty much Ori in general. I think it’s so helpful that Ori is as exhausted and miserable as I am because it makes us more patient with each other. It makes it OK to have quiet and moody hangouts, it makes us want to hear about each other’s bad days and the small victories, it makes us try harder to find time to do photography things, and remember that we are way more than just teachers.
4. My students. As much as I complain about being miserable, I kind of love those dumb 6/7 year old kids that I see every day (when I don’t have to constantly zip up their jackets, make sure they sneeze/cough in their sleeve and not on me, when I don’t have to stop them putting their fingers in their mouth/nose/pretty much anything). They tell the most random stories and they make me laugh all the time with their ridiculousness.
5. I’m doing a lot of really amazing stuff. It Gets Fatter has now started two monthly support groups, at U of T and at York. After spending the whole day with kids and being on my feet and having to talk so damn much, I usually don’t feel like talking or being around people most days after school. But I love these groups. I genuinely love meeting these people and building something with them. I am also going to be facilitating photography workshops for youths for 3 weeks in December for Access Alliance. I am going to be actually talking to other human beings about my photography, my process, and mentor them. I’m so busy being down on myself about everything that I forget that I can actually do lots of stuff, and do it kind of well. It still surprises me sometimes.
6. Actually making an effort to take care of myself. When things started to get busy in September, I made a list of things I could do in order to feel like I was practicing some kind of self-care. Some things on the list were: to find a therapist, book a physical (pretty much the works) with my doctor, get blood work done, and take longer showers. I still take 10 minute showers, but I’m happy to report that I have made really great progress in finding a therapist and have appointments booked to see all of the doctors ever. It’s not entirely what I need to take care of myself, but it’s a start.
I started writing this over a month ago, but I stopped because it was hard to articulate all of what I was feeling and I didn’t want to continue. I think it’s important for me to now complete these thoughts. Because, like everything, I want to remember it.
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I have been thinking a lot about the things I have been feeling in the last 2 weeks. I have bouts of sadness that make me (as they usually do) take it out on others, isolate myself, and have restless nights among many other things. After I heard about Amr, along with shock and worry and sadness, I felt an overwhelming sense of nostalgia too. For several days I couldn’t pin point or process all of things I was feeling, as if my emotions were being overworked. His death was awful and tragic and caused so much pain, for Asmaa and her family but also for myself.
When I heard the news, I ached to talk to Asmaa. I wanted her close to me, and our distance away from each other was really difficult. I had first read about Amr’s death from a text sent by our mutual friend, Maryam, who I have known as long as I have known Asmaa. I think it was significant to hear the news from her, and soon after have conversations with her and Khadijeh (another childhood friend of ours) about it.
I thought about how these women I grew up with and myself thought and dreamt of what our lives would be like 10 or 20 years down the road. I thought about the late night talks in cabins at camp or sleepovers, the whispers of dreams and goals and ideals of the loves and marriages, the careers and losses we would all have.
I truly believe in our abilities to heal, to overcome, to be resilient in all sorts of situations. I have seen it in myself, and in so many others who have suffered worse losses than I have. I know that these challenges and heartbreak happen for reasons we might not understand right now. I know that people are meant to come into our lives, and are never guaranteed to stay. I know all of that.
But in all honesty, I was really disappointed. I was disappointed that this unplanned loss was never talked about or prepared for in our childhood discussions. I was disappointed that my dearest and loveliest Asmaa would be changed forever, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it or change it.
I looked at old photos of us, being goofy and weird (and awesome) as ever and wondered if those times would ever come back. I felt so nostalgic for times spent eating and laughing and talking. Would I be also grieving parts of Asmaa along with the memory of her husband? I think a part of me already was.
It was difficult to admit how I was feeling because it felt selfish to focus on the way this loss affected me. Thinking about it now, over a month later, and remembering that Asmaa is full of wisdom, faith and resilience, I know that if parts of Asmaa have gone with Amr, I will still love her and stand by her, just as she is, in any way she may change or grow.
Without realizing, I had already been growing up and experiencing lives that we never ever planned for. I just hope and pray that we stay in each other’s lives and keep learning and loving each other for as long as we are meant to.
It’s been a long time since I have written anything, let alone logged on to any of my blogs. I would try, and start something, and then get sad or distracted and never finish. Or also, at times, would completely forget that I even wrote personal things at all. I have been feeling so bottled up lately and starting school again hasn’t helped with that. Teaching grade one is a really new and overwhelming adjustment for me. My class is sweet and I enjoy the kids for the most part, but it’s so much work (and planning and attention) and requiring me to be present and on at all times, which is a lot.
This is about the time of the year when I start to think about self-care and balance, because I am feeling a lot at once and don’t have time to reflect on it. Instead, I zone out entirely, or isolate myself from others. Maybe I will get myself to write more about how I have been feeling, or finish the things I have already started writing.
I have also been feeling really negative about things in my life (what else is new?), but I really shouldn’t be because lots of really great things happened over the summer (like going to England and Rome!) so I want to take a moment to think about the small positives that have happened recently, or the things that keep me going every day.
I went with Molly to Ohbijou‘s farewell show last weekend, which was incredible and emotional. I cried during so many of their songs, which were amazing to hear live after listening to their albums over these last few years during some really difficult times. They have the amazing talent of capturing love and loss and longing so accurately in these beautiful songs.
I used to watch Golden Girls back in the day when it was on TV (I used to pretty much watch everything), but recently, I started re-watching the series because it was recommended to me and it is so funny! Similarly to Seinfeld, watching these sitcoms as an adult is way better and funnier because I actually understand all of the jokes and Golden Girls is the best!
Even though I haven’t picked up a camera in probably a month, I have a lot of really amazing pictures waiting for me to process and share. I wish I had more time for photography, but I just don’t right now. But when I do, it will be awesome!
Over the summer, I finally got rid of my burner phone and got myself a new one, which is now basically my favourite thing in the world. The ways I am able to communicate with others from across the world, or down the street and see people’s faces when I talk to them, is really great.
The ways I stick up for myself and stand up for the things I believe in. I don’t think I have done this enough in the past. I have been in a few really difficult situations recently and I am really proud of the ways I have spoken up and didn’t back down.
All the people who answer their phones and responds to texts, and who listen to me complain and cry and still encourage me and love me every single day. I wish I could be more present and a better friend to them in return.
Things that make Sara happy 
