Pendulum Days – Afraid – 04

HOME – II

It was not until later that he got to investigate the mysterious book. He must have fallen asleep after Grace left. These drugs must be pretty strong, he thought to himself. His mother had obviously come in and moved the book onto his bedside table. A fresh glass of water was evidence of her activity, along with an extra blanket now resting upon him. He heard her downstairs in the kitchen, singing along to the radio. Probably preparing dinner, he thought.

He reached across for the book, trying not to lift his leg off the bed as he turned. His fingers felt their way toward the leather and, though the room was dark, he could have sworn the book moved slightly toward him. A small vibration of life. It was getting dark outside, so lifting the book onto his lap he turned on the lamp beside him.

Dinosaur silhouettes danced across his ceiling, the old lamp from his childhood still determined to follow him into his teenage years. Zachary opened the cover and looked at the first page. A huge square seemed to stretch down into the book, as if pulling him inward. He blinked, trying to adjust his focus. It must be an optical illusion, he thought, and blinked again to disperse the fuzziness. Looking closer, he realised the lines of the shape were actually words that spiralled down into a centre point. They were so tiny they were almost indecipherable; each line stacked upon the next. Most strange.

They seemed to be English mixed with a few unfamiliar characters, but he could not make out what they said because of the handwriting. He turned the page, hoping for a clue. One name stared back at him: Edward T. Reynolds. He turned to the next page with a crinkle of old paper, none the wiser. The smell of aged pages and the damp scent of Grace’s attic reached his nose. Outside his window he heard alley cats fighting. Night had crept in and the evening stars had begun to shine. Zach shivered under his sheets.

To whomever reads this book be warned, there is more entailed than words adorned.
Within these pages lies a truth, one that is found in innocence’s youth.
Monsters, myths and things to frighten, can lead to fear that terrorises and tightens
around you in the dead of night, it seeps inside with death and fright.
So be brave and true upon this quest, a resourceful heart will need no rest.
To see what is there and what resides inside you,
Strength and courage come to but a chosen few.

Zach reread this several times before he understood what it meant. He had never read a book with a warning before. He had seen censored books at his local library, tantalising titles that for some reason had been banned at some point. The notion had always made him laugh. They are just words, he had thought. How can words hurt anyone? Yet the warning seemed to leap off the page at him now. The calligraphy looked as if it moved, the words shifting toward him as if by magic, dancing before his eyes. Intrigued, Zach continued turning the pages.

He flicked again to the back of the book to see the empty ones. The blank pages looked as if they had doubled since before. At the very back, the page before the cover held three letters:

לאר

Zach had seen these types of characters before. He had seen them when his grandma took him to church when he was younger. He knew she had been Jewish, and he figured this was Jewish writing. She had died last year, though no one had really told him what had happened. His mum had simply sat on his bed and told him she had gone, and that she would no longer be around.

He had not asked about death, or heaven, or what happens when someone dies. His mother had taken his silence for sadness, since he and his grandmother had been close. Though comforting, she had not explained anything to him. The truth was, Zach had so many questions, but he did not know where to start.

So, he had kept silent, internalising it all. He had seen the writing in the prayer books around her house and on some of the framed pictures on her walls. Also, in the church they had visited many times. She would have been able to read this, he thought. A cold chill settled on his shoulders as memories of her rose up. He looked toward the window to see if it was open. It was closed.

Zach snuggled further under his sheets, letting the warmth envelop him. He turned back to the beginning of the book, skipping past the strange drawing and the author’s page. There were chapter names, handwritten like the rest of the book. The first one was a single word: Afraid. This book was certainly unusual, he thought, closing it suddenly. He decided he needed to pee. He had been holding it for a while, because the last time he had gone to the bathroom it had taken ages with his cast. The slightest movement in his room seemed to summon his mother up the stairs, and he did not want to bother her again.

He put the book down on the bed and slipped onto the floor. The cast made a thud on the wooden boards, and Zach waited to see if his mother would come up. Nothing. He looked over at the phone on his desk and saw the red light glowing, indicating someone was on the line. She must be calling his dad, he thought. His dad worked strange hours at his office, something to do with international time zones, though Zach did not really know what he did. He only knew he liked it when his dad worked from home, because he would make Zach pancakes for breakfast.

Edging toward the door, Zach stepped out onto the landing, forgoing the crutches, though not without difficulty. He made his way to the bathroom, passing the pictures of his uncle and grandmother that hung at the top of the stairs. He turned on the bathroom light. It flickered and popped with a flash. Damn, he thought. He would have to pee in the dark.

The moon had risen and cast its glow through the window into the bathroom. Zach finished up and returned to his bedroom, much colder for the effort. The book was propped against his pillow, open at the start of the first story. Zach stopped in the doorway, looking around his room. This was getting strange now, he thought. He definitely had not left the book like that.

He moved closer to the bed and stared at it. There was a strange picture at the top of the page, etched in black ink, again with a sense of movement. He picked up the book and got back into bed, lifting his leg with both hands. His elbow twanged with pain, reminding him that it was not just his leg that had been injured in the fall.

Well, it is just a story, he thought, and it will be a while before dinner.

So, he began to read.


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HANGING THE MOON

In this world of my own, where I sit on the edge of the universe.
I calmly wait for you, clutching the note in my hand.
The eyes of the stars glow, watching my every move, but I mind not.
Let them witness my waiting until time itself dissolves.
I hear a sound, and smell moon dust tickle my nose.
And then I see you, climbing the ladder from the earth up.
Up into such wonderful atmospheres.
I hear you wheeze and stutter out an insult. I smile.
And there you are at last, leaning on the brightest star,
hanging the moon.
I look at the note, it reads, ‘Just for you’.


Image

 

From the newly revised version of ‘Drifting In & Out of Sleep

A STILLNESS QUIETLY GROWING

To wander amidst crumbling forests.
Ancient air sucked into these lungs.
I feel eucalyptus washing over every pore.
Strangling the dirt and depression in my soul.
Coming to the lake, diving underneath.
Watching you shimmer on my skin once more.
Reflection and memories, days folded.
But I breathe and I close my eyes.
Touching every space around me.
Knowing that you’re there.
The stars rain down, yet daylight doesn’t fade.
I walk slowly through years of this planet’s movements.
Licking fossils, finding gold.
I want to stay in this mist of time forever.
Lie down and let the leaves cover me.
To be found by my future self.
Peeling off old skin and scars.
The noise of the world softens in this place.
I cry for no reason, but for the thanks at being alive.
Tears traveling like tiny ants to bead into the earth.
Slipping into the system of life.
Waiting for the spring of eternal surrender.

Pendulum Days – Afraid – 03

Home

 “Sure, go on up, he’s been awake a while now,” he heard his mother’s muffled voice call from downstairs, followed by hurried footsteps racing toward his bedroom door. No knock. Typical Grace, he thought, as she came bounding over to his bed.

“Wow, would you look at that. The cast goes all the way up to your waist!” she said, inspecting his leg like a doctor. “Give me a pen, I’ve got to sign this.”

He stretched over, grabbed the felt tip he’d used earlier on a crossword his mum had given him, and handed it to her. She dropped something on the floor beside her jacket and took the pen.

“Careful, please. I know your strength,” he said as she set to work on his cast.

“How much pain are you in?” she asked, concentrating on her drawing.

“Not much now. They gave me these tablets to take regularly. Though Mum said she didn’t want me getting addicted to them,” he replied, sitting up a little. The TV blared from the other side of the room, Batman swinging across the screen.

“Careful, you’ve jogged me…” she muttered. “…this will have to be a skull now!”

“Sorry,” he said, trying his best to stay still. “How are you anyway?”

“Oh, fine. They sorted my teeth out, but they gave me something too, some painkiller, and Dad said he didn’t want me going to school after, so I stayed home with him all day and helped him work.”

It was now Sunday. Grace had come by yesterday, but his mother had said he was sleeping. They had spent nearly all day at the hospital getting his cast made up. He’d heard Grace when she came over later, and had tried to get her attention from his window as she left, though she hadn’t seen him. He was still unsure how he had gotten home that day; everything was hazy.

He remembered lying on the ground with rain spluttering across his face, strange sounds around him, a white mist thickening the air. Then suddenly he was in his living room with his mother frantically on the telephone; then in the hospital waiting room with people rushing around him. His timeline of events was strained, snatches of moments and blurs of time moulded into one big smear of memory.

His mother came into the room.

“All done with your soup, love?” she asked. Despite it clearly being a broken leg, she had set about treating him for a wide range of imagined ailments. This resulted in bowls of soup, pillow‑fluffing, extra jumpers (“to keep out the cold, luv”), and a strange liquid in a black bottle that tasted like he was swallowing rusty pennies.

“That’s a lovely, uh… skeleton, Grace,” his mother said, picking up the tray beside his bed and noticing her contribution to the cast.

“Thanks. I’m taking art lessons now at the Grange,” Grace replied, not taking her eyes off her work.

“I can see it’s money well spent, dear,” his mother said. “If you need anything, either of you, just shout.” She left with the tray.

“So, what happened?” Grace asked, signing her artwork carefully near his toe. An upside‑down Mexican sugar skull grinned up at him.

Zach told her everything he remembered, from the morning when he’d first passed the house. Grace was a good audience; she gasped in the right places and got angry when he told her about the bullies.

“Those guys are gonna get what’s coming to them one day!” she said, looking off as if filing the thought away for later use.

“So do you think it was the old man from the Lore House?” she asked, fiddling with the bottom of her jumper.

“It looked just like him, well, from what I remember. But even though I heard the dog barking, I didn’t see it at all,” he said.

“Odd! I heard they were going to tear down that old house last year and build, like, four houses on the land. But for some reason it never happened. I can’t believe someone actually lives there.” She paused, imagining horrors. “They must be mad. It’s a scary place.” She looked back at him. “But how did you get back?”

“I… urm… can’t remember that part,” Zach said, slightly embarrassed. “It is weird…” he added quickly, “…and now I’m stuck with this cast for ages. They gave me some crutches, but Mum wants me to keep off them for a while.” He stuck a finger down the cast to scratch an itch.

“When you’re better, we should go investigate that house, you know. See what’s inside. Maybe we can get in the back way,” Grace said, completely serious.

“Are you nuts? I’m not going back there. And I’m not using that shortcut again either,” Zach said, reminding her it was she who had shown him it in the first place, and perhaps implying she should share some responsibility for the state he was now in.

“Oh, it’ll be fun. At least you didn’t get set on by that Collins kid. I think he’s moving away soon anyway, think his parents are getting divorced or something,” she said.

“Pity!” Zach replied. They both laughed.

“So, lots of TV for you in the next few weeks?” she said, crossing the room to turn his set down.

“Well, maybe. But it gets boring after a while,” he replied.

She spun toward him, as if waiting for a cue.

“Which is exactly why I brought you this,” she said, returning to the bed and picking something up from the floor. She handed him a large ornate book.

It wasn’t like the books he’d seen in the bookstores his dad dragged him into whenever they went shopping, not that he minded, he loved to read, he just didn’t like the crowds. This book was more like the ones in the school library: imposing, leather‑bound, as thick as his arm and as dusty as his room. Its bright red cover bore the words Fractured Fairytales indented in a fancy font. He couldn’t see an author’s name.

“Where did you get that?” he asked, slightly suspicious. Grace had a habit of, in her words, “borrowing” things.

“I found it in my loft last weekend. Mum wanted me to get the Christmas decorations down—” Zach made a noise to interrupt. “—I know, I know. It’s only October, but you know what mums are like. Anyway, I was having a nose about, like you do, and I found this in one of the old boxes. It’s excellent, with these strange pictures in it, though I’ve not had a proper look.”

She opened it and placed it, not very gently, on his lap. Zach felt the weight of the leather and the metal corners. The pictures were indeed interesting: sketches, the kind that looked like they were drawn to show movement.

“So, I thought, while you’re getting better, you can read through this and let me know if it’s any good. Odd though, I flicked through and there are lots of empty pages at the back, like it’s unfinished,” she said. “But like I said, I didn’t really investigate it too much.”

Zach found the blank pages; there were quite a few.

“Maybe that’s what they did with old books,” she said matter‑of‑factly, “in case they needed to add something once it was made.”

“Hey, look, this story is about a boy called Zachary!” he said, pointing.

“Ooooh, weird. I wonder if there’s a girl called Grace in there too!” she said, leaning closer.

“Maybe. Where do you think the book came from?” he asked.

“I’m not sure…” Grace said, scrutinising the book with renewed interest. “I asked Mum and she didn’t know where it came from, but she said I can have it. Probably got it in a charity shop or something.” She fixed her ponytail, which had come loose.

“Do you want some lunch?” he asked, knowing Grace was always hungry and never one to turn down food.

“Ah, would love to, but I have to go to my grandparents this afternoon. Dad wants to pick things up for the car‑boot sale we’re doing next week.”

“Are they the nice ones?” Zach asked, remembering her two very different sets of grandparents. Grace had told him once how her mean grandmother had whipped her with a tea towel for dropping a cup.

“Nah, it’s the nice ones, so I don’t mind going,” she said. “Anyway, I’m glad you’re alive at least. Let me know how you get on with the book. I’d forgotten about it until yesterday and found it poking out from under my bed. Know you like to read,” she added, glancing at his huge bookcase.

She slid off the bed and stroked his cast on her way past, admiring her artwork. “Call me later, though. I should be back around seven,” she said, lingering in the doorway and pulling on her jacket.

“Okay, have fun. I’ll let you know if sad old Grace turns up in the book, probably as a witch,” he said, winking.

“Meanie,” she said, and slipped out the door. He heard her going down the stairs two at a time, shouting goodbye to his mum.


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BLUE ASCENSION

Disillusionment swaddled around my eyes.
A protective mask to keep the innards in innocence.
Free radicals tiptoe out of my cells, creating fireworks and chaos.
Raining in my heart like sulphur.
I watch you shimmer in all colours.
My headache grey hums and heaves.
A step in your direction, allows this unmistakable feeling of regret,
to wash over me like wasted chances.
I wish I were like you.
I wish I had that jesus energy, vingered will and clarity.
Though faults falter my feet with sticky disregard.
I stumbled into something wonderous.
An electric blue, something new and smothered in deliverance.
My era of self-respect.
An abandonment to self-pity, mortarium’s of paralysed longing.
A revolution rising within, as empires of unloved fall.

Pendulum Days – Afraid – 02

Flight or Fight

The day dragged on, dull and uneventful, the kind of day that seemed to stretch itself thin just to spite him. Science had been a blur of diagrams and droning explanations, algebra was a battlefield of numbers that refused to behave, but it wasn’t only the lessons that made the hours crawl. Grace’s empty seat beside him had left a hollow in the day. He hadn’t realised how much he relied on her running commentary, her whispered jokes, her ability to make even the worst lessons feel survivable. Misery loved company, and without her, he’d had to face the misery alone.

She was supposed to return after her dentist appointment, but she never appeared. He imagined her at home, curled up on the sofa with a blanket and a packet of crisps, watching something ridiculous on TV. Toothache or not, she’d make the most of a day off.

When the final bell rang, Zach felt the relief ripple through the class like a collective exhale. He packed his books slowly, delaying the inevitable moment when he’d have to face the homework his teacher had piled on them. More fractions. More equations. More torture. He slung his bag over his shoulder and joined the stream of students spilling out of the gates, already deciding he’d stop by Grace’s house before heading home. Just to check on her. Just to see her.

He turned the corner, and walked straight into the group he’d gone out of his way to avoid that morning.

“Watch it!” snapped the biggest of them, a round‑shouldered boy whose bulk made him look older than he was. His eyes didn’t quite meet Zach’s; they drifted slightly to the left, as if he couldn’t bear to look directly at the person he was threatening.

For a moment, Zach thought the boy must be talking to someone else. But then two of the cronies rolled their bikes in close, hemming him in with metal frames and muddy tyres. No mistake. He was the target.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you there,” Zach said, his voice catching on the words. His mind flicked through escape routes like a deck of cards.

“I’m hard to miss,” the boy spat. “Maybe you wanted to bang into me. Maybe I’m not important enough for an excuse me… huh?” He leaned forward, breath pungent, eyes narrowing. “Maybe you wanted me to have a little chat with you. Teach you some manners.”

“Lots of maybes there,” Zach muttered before he could stop himself. His mouth always betrayed him at the worst possible moments.

The boy straightened, looming. “Maybe I just punch you in the stomach and take your bag, eh, wise‑ass?”

Zach swallowed hard, feeling like a cartoon character about to be flattened.

“What’s going on there, Collins?” a voice called from behind.

Mr. Langley stood at the school gates, hands in pockets, watching them with that calm, steady expression teachers used when they were about to intervene. Geography teacher. One of the few who didn’t make Zach want to claw his ears off.

“Nothing, sir,” one of the lads said quickly, all innocence and wide eyes.

Zach didn’t wait. He shoved past the bikes and bolted down the pavement, heart thudding. He risked a glance back. Collins looked furious, spinning his bike wheel in frustration as Mr. Langley approached. A lecture was coming, and Zach wasn’t sticking around to hear it. He ran until he reached the traffic lights, which took an eternity to change, then disappeared down the street.

He wanted to get home quickly. The sky was already bruising into evening, clouds gathering like a warning. But he couldn’t take his usual route. If the bullies decided to follow, their bikes would catch him in seconds. And he absolutely wasn’t going down Henley Avenue again. Not after what he’d seen there. Not today.

He turned onto Rosebank, a quiet cul‑de‑sac lined with neat bungalows and tidy gardens. Cats lounged on low walls, blinking lazily at him as he passed. The air smelled faintly of damp earth and cut grass. He slipped down the side of a house with a huge caravan under a flapping tarp, found the narrow gap in the fence, and squeezed through into the overgrown alleyway beyond.

Not many people knew about this cut‑through. It was technically someone’s driveway, which made it risky, but it sliced a huge chunk off the walk home. Zach moved quickly, stepping around old carrier bags and the shattered remains of an oven whose metal innards spilled across the mud like a gutted creature. The alley narrowed, funnelling him toward the dead‑end he knew was coming.

The only way out was up.

He looked at the tree rising before him, its branches reaching over the fence like skeletal arms. Wedged into the trunk, as if the tree had grown around it, stood an old black lamppost with an iron frame and a glass lantern. Somehow, despite the usual vandalism in places like this, the glass remained intact. As if people sensed it was needed.

Right on cue, the lamp flickered to life, glowing a warm, fragile orange in the deepening gloom. The branches above curled down like a giant withered hand, as though trying to swallow the lamppost whole.

He began to climb. He’d done it once before with Grace, she’d made it look easy, laughing as she swung herself over the fence. Thinking of her now steadied him, just a little.

Halfway up, he glanced back. He could still see the caravan through the rain, though a huge bush blocked most of the view. He thought he heard something, a rustle, a footstep? The rain thickened, cold and heavy, drumming on the bare branches and soaking his hair, his clothes, his skin.

He looked over the fence. The drop was bigger than he remembered. Much bigger. The alley on the other side opened into a back lane of garages, abandoned cars, and a sagging sofa being slowly eaten by rats. The street beyond led almost directly to Grace’s house.

Then he heard voices.

He pressed himself into the trunk, trying to vanish into the bark. Through the gaps between houses; he saw the gang drifting down the street, shouting, laughing, smashing a bottle against someone’s wall. Their hoodies kept the rain off; they didn’t seem to care about the weather.

A bark split the air behind him.

Zach twisted, heart hammering. Nothing. A dog from one of the houses? No. This bark was deeper, stranger. The Lore house dog. That awful, guttural sound that had haunted him since the morning.

Another bark. Closer.

A shape moved at the far end of the alley.

Too big to be a dog.

Rain blurred everything, turning the world into streaks of grey, but he could make out a figure. Tall. Dark. Shuffling. The sound of the dog now seemed to come from below him, but when he looked down, the ground was empty.

He edged forward. He’d rather face Collins than… whatever this was.

He looked back again and froze.

The figure was clearer now. The same hat. The same coat. The same sunken eyes he’d seen at Lore house. Drifting toward him like a skeleton pulled from the mist, with withered hands hanging from the sleeves.

Zach’s breath caught.

He edged along the branch. He had to get down. Now. The barks stretched unnaturally, as if time itself was being pulled thin. The figure lifted its head.

Zach slipped.

The world flipped. The ground slammed into him with a crack like splintering wood. Air blasted from his lungs. For a heartbeat he lay stunned, suspended in shock, then pain erupted through him, sharp and total. His elbow had taken the brunt; his leg twisted beneath him.

A raw, broken scream tore out of him.


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TWO

With the earth sighing.
And the moon collapsing.
Twin tectonic plates shift in the cells.
An attraction.
A reaction.
Distance, separator.
Godly refraction.
Too much poison.
These angels cast asunder.
Evil : Godly.
Licking wounds from the inside out.
Teacher. Brother.
All come undone, severed from the other.
When I wanted you and the grey began to fade.
With a diamond heart.
And a coal soul.
Now you want this.
To tear us through.
Destroying a dream, choking on your armament.
Ripped, torn, teared in two.
As I stared at you.
Paralysed at being alone.
But still breathing.

Pendulum Days – Afraid – 01

Lore House

“Remember this please, none of this is real.
It’s only how I feel”

Zach hated to walk this way to school, but this morning the circumstances left him with little choice. The kids who had stolen his lunch money last week had been at the corner of the high street, lurking and threatening people as they went by. They weren’t choosy about who they stole from either, with many of the kids in his class falling victim to their bullying needs. It wasn’t even about the money, or what little they actually got; they did it simply because they could. It would have been fine if Grace was with him, he thought, as she always gave him the feeling of combined strength.

He was sure they wouldn’t take anything if she were here. Their agenda so far seemed to have some moral boundaries, excluding girls from their reign of terror. Together they would have crossed over to the other side and walked to school like they did most mornings, chatting and dreading another dull day at Braxton Hill Comprehensive. But Grace was off to the dentist, something she was extremely excited about, as she’d told him the day before when they walked home together. Grace was his neighbour, living two doors down, and she was his best friend.

They’d been friends for what seemed like forever, though in truth it had only been two years since Zach and his family had moved into the neighbourhood. He was a little shy at meeting new people, which was fine, because Grace was more than happy to come up to you, shake your hand, and invite you over for lunch. She was taller than Zach, though he’d begun to think he’d grown a little more in the past few months. When they walked side by side now, he noticed she no longer seemed to tower over him.

They would walk the same route every morning to school, stopping at the store for Mars bars and KitKats depending on what mood they were in; unless Grace was in one of her “more savoury moods,” in which case they would stock up on crisps and nut bars.

But this morning Grace was dentist‑bound, which left Zach walking to school by himself. Opting to forgo being idiotically brave, he’d chosen to go the long way to avoid the bullies, which he hated to do. Not just because it took him twice as long, but because it took him down Henley Avenue, which presented the notorious Lore House, an old crumbling ruin which every kid in school would tell you was either haunted, or where a murderer lived, or that it used to be an old mental asylum. Depending on who you talked to, and how inclined they were toward the frightful. The Lore property was a grand Victorian house that dominated the south side of Henley Avenue. Even walking on the opposite side of the street was no good, as the house seemed to pull you in with its iron fences that curled at the tips like long, twisted bony fingers reaching out. Zach hated it; he hated the street, the house, and how it made him feel.

He didn’t think he was a nervous person generally, but there was something about the street and that old house that really unnerved him. The dead trees in the yard and the old car rusting away in the driveway did nothing to improve its appearance or his suspicions of what lay within. He wasn’t sure about witches or ghosts, but he knew something unpleasant lived there.

No kids lived on Henley Avenue either, as far as he knew; and the other houses, though less creepy, weren’t the most welcoming he’d ever seen. Zach quickened his pace, hoping his twelve‑year‑old legs would not give up on him. The last time he’d come down this road had been with Grace, on the last day of school before the summer holidays. In their free spirits they had decided to come down the street, altering their usual route home in the excitement of summer freedom.

The street led to a cut‑through to Ash Park, one of the best parks in town, as it normally accommodated an ice‑cream van, and subsequently, children high on sugary creamy wonderment causing riots on sunny days.

He remembered how they had been caught up in talk of plans for the summer. Grace was going to France for the first week and had invited Zach to come with her, her parents eager for her to bring a friend. Zach had never been to France before, and excited though he was, he’d sworn he wouldn’t be eating any frog’s legs. They had stopped suddenly outside the Lore House as Grace complained of something in her shoe.

No one really knew why the house was called the Lore House; it was one of those things passed on in each retelling. The most popular story was that it used to be an old orphanage run by an evil spectre of a man who would lock the children in rooms no bigger than cells, starving and torturing them into soulless zombies. Grace had taken off her left shoe and was tapping it on the pavement to remove any stowaways when they heard an almighty cry.

At first Zach thought it was a cat in distress, as he’d often heard cats in the alley behind his house crying and calling to each other in the night. But Grace stood up in alarm. Suddenly they heard whispers coming from the right side of the house. Another scream pierced their bright sunny afternoon. It was still hard to tell if the noise came from an animal or a person. Then there were shouts, and Grace had gone up to the gates, as if to be closer to the action, or in Zach’s thoughts, danger. He had tried to get her to come away, but she said she’d seen something in one of the windows, a huge shape, she insisted.

He stepped forward to pull her back when suddenly a huge black dog jumped from the bushes and leapt towards the fence, crashing through the stinging nettles and leaves. It barked and snapped, saliva flinging through the bars from its slobbering mouth while they both jumped back in alarm. With that, they had turned and run to the end of the street, not looking back but hearing the dog’s bark follow them all the way, accompanied by hostile screams and shouts from someone, or something.

Now Zach was here on his own, and he horribly remembered that day and missed Grace not being just an arm’s length away. He quickened his pace going past the house, mindful not to look at it at all. The gloomy sky above him was promising rain.

An old Ford Fiesta came trundling up the road, its exhaust giving off a black plume of smoke in its wake. Zach waited for it to pass before he crossed over. He didn’t want to linger down this road longer than he had to, but something made him turn back. He looked up the pavement and there, lying on the floor on the opposite side of the road, were some of his school books. He suddenly took off his backpack, Kermit the Frog grinned up at him, his mouth the zipper, which had come undone and allowed his books to tumble out. No doubt as he’d hurried past the house, he thought.

Annoyed, he quickly crossed back over and went to retrieve his books. While picking them up, he looked up at the old Lore House. Smoke was coming out of the chimney stack perched precariously in the middle of the roof which, to Zach, looked like it would topple over at any moment.

A giant black bird took off from the roof, a huge feather falling to the ground over the fence. Smoke, he thought; that means someone does live there. Packing the books into his bag and securing the zip, he started off again when suddenly a flash of light caught his attention. Looking to the left, he saw the giant wooden door to the house close, the glass window at the top catching the sunlight like a huge eye. Was someone leaving? Despite being afraid, curiosity kept him rooted to the spot. A sudden bang startled him, so loud that a bird in the tree next to him took flight with a disgruntled hoot.

He suddenly heard the sound of faint music, old music, like the type his grandma would listen to whenever he stayed at her house. It was haunting music, warbling over the bushes towards him. Zach stepped back and stole a quick glance around the hedge.

He saw an old figure shuffling down the drive to the side of the house. He couldn’t make out the features very well, though Zach guessed him to be very old, and he was wearing a strangely styled hat. He heard a door open and then the patter of feet. Suddenly the huge black dog came into view. Noticing; if not smelling. Zach, it barked furiously, a strange bark that ripped through him and echoed dimly all around. Without looking back, Zach fled from the house and ran all the way to the end of the street. He barely dodged the number 45 bus, causing the driver to sound his horn. He ran past other kids on their way to school and came to rest outside the school gates, where he stopped to catch his breath. He promised himself he would never go down that road again, with or without Grace.


Follow the full saga

INVITED EROSION

You wanted to dig in deep.
Down through stone and bone.
Excavate the soul from the marrow.
What was found was empty like ghosts.
You tried to tie this mind to your own.
Through the storm and spray.
What blooms then decays, you came up empty.
For I am a ship that’s lost at sea.
When you shake the salt from your wound.
And when morning resumes.
You may find this heart opening towards the sun.
When you lick inside this shell.
Turn this pain to love with your fingered alchemy.
I’ll know then you deserve it.
And I’ll no longer reserve it.
Solely for my own survival.
For every river is drawn to the waiting oceans.
Surrendering something but becoming also.

AFTERGLOW

I feel you in this memory.
Vibrant like dust.
Speckled in the shining light you shimmered.
When the moon drew old.
And Saturn’s rings fell.
The ice age came upon my heart.
The powerful goodbye, the struggled smile.
Trapped now in my amber mind.
You’re a faded star, the core at my centre.
Which swirls around with love and lava.
Fallen empires and fallen stars.
Shooting across our fluttering souls.
Yet god’s volcanic change of heart.
Became our endless Pompeii.

A DESCENT

Once fused, now torn apart.
Meddling with the senses.
Ripped out of heaven.
Carved into stone.
You’re the sweet scent of death to me.
Down, at the bottom of this hidden heart.
Playing once more my pagan precision.
From head to between rib cages.
Little black stones.
Tucked between each vertebrae.
Shining when the moon appears.
Blooming in your blue possession.
Such magical decay.
Your approach to love.
Caressing and consuming.
Abandoning and left for dead.

THE INCESSANT HUMMING OF INDIFFERENCE

Again, again it comes.
Like a fog rolling through the bones.
The spectre of despondence.
Kiss me gently to lure beyond the overwhelm.
An evil bloomed deep within.
Long ago, when the marrow was fusing.
Pockets of little daisies, poisonous reminders of mortality.
When it all ends, when the judgements fall.
What separates the life from one lived?
Too long the accustomed thoughts of apathy have prevailed.
Followed me from childhood.
When the toys were smashed, when the protectors abandoned.
When the expectations came with their sticky bulldoze.
What if I were my future?
Those lives you hoped for, yet did nothing to uphold.
Who separates the child from the man?
These parameters find their place, and force a rejection.
Of engagement, of evolution.
A soul, inside a man; with eyes of a child.
And a heart decomposing from the start.

SMASHED LIKE A DEITY

A beating heart that wants you.
But doesn’t trust the condition.
You separate the light from me.
Distilling my soul to darkness.
My mind, taken by ghosts.
Stolen by this circumstance.
Yet I’m here still, in time.
Watching your eyes glass in indifference.
A cheek turned to god, a palm raised to cheek.
Punching the love out me.
Yet the molassed affection remains.
Clogged to my soul.
Settled under my skin.
Refusing to be washed away by tears.

ELEMENTAL

On phosphorus ground you take me, into the night.
Divorcing my monogamy of self.
With you, all alive like dying stars.
Illuminating into nothing.
Burning and swallowing all of me.
This frontier of the forgotten, threatens when the eyes close.
When you move too close, too distant.
Alone in my shell, safety slips around me.
You crack me open and dip your fingers inside.
My horrors have no place to hide.
You’re bringing out the Taliban in me.
Shedding reason and sanity.
Making way for acceptable losses.
This humming of you through my veil of safeguarding.
It strikes into what is most precious.
Sinking my soul like Atlantis.
All from a look, from a touch, from a hurt.
A word gently spoken but spun in insolation.
Travels across blood red skies and finds me.
Needles into me like your wicked spite.
At first glowing like a love so curious.
Then fading into the bruise of knowing.

CALM & THE CHAOS

Washed over by the waves of tomorrow.
Rubbed raw by the days that have slipped from memory.
The storm before the calm.
The poison in the cure.
Breathe it in, like a lunar vapour.
Giving gravity to centred states of tranquillity.
The air sucked from the moon’s orbit.
Breath exhaled from Jesus back in time.
I watched myself fall.
At first, I think I pushed.
Over and over it tumbled, fighting at nothing and everything.
One hand on control, the other making waves through the heavy air.
Where does my sanctuary lie?
Outside of me still?
In God’s eye?
There is chaos in my calm as I turn the world down.
The calm in the life that rushes through like a headache grey.
Pausing to feel a hurt, that’s meant to ache.
There is no time to sit in stillness and save the soul from decay.
But there is no time, like now.

SORRIES NEVER SAID

Searched in this heart, I follow the straight line.
Directing back into the grey of time.
My memory now is hazy, but I arrive.
Twenty years late, like the light from the sun.
My mouth full of apologies, but finally.
Though fleeting and brilliant, a cosmic tear unleashed.
This air of history penetrates my memory.
Coughing up mea culpa for the first time.
I was once miles away from here, distant and cold.
Now I bury myself in your pain and sorrow.
Washing it over me like milky holy water.
Suffering inside of you, kissing away the pain.
My fingertips reach out and find your afflicted heart.
I pull it close and whisper, only for your soul to hear.
Je suis désolé de ce que j’ignorais.
Mais que je comprends maintenant parfaitement.

DEATH DESERVES A WITNESS

Quietly, lay me down.
Shutting out the light until the fears vibrate.
Onlookers shuffle, whispering like the clergy.
Greasy eyed and apathetic.
Coughing on incense and strings of my childhood.
God strokes me into calmness.
Tenderly, like a plant struggling to grow.
Needing the care.
I whisper grace and slit the throat.
Letting the eyes glimmer in the dying light.
The ghosts shudder at the demise.
Fluttering ethereal remembering eyes.
The air turns foul, and I gasp into life.
Sucking in sweet alpine air.
Death spirits away such needless past.
Life offers such beautiful future.
Words tiptoe across my skin like those across a gravestone.
They fade in your light.
And you blink away the past.
Taking my hand.

TERMS IN MY SURRENDER

Collapsed with the dying world.
Lost now in the ever after.
Drowning and flying, all at once.
They took my mum away.
Replacing her with ghosts.
They silenced the love that drummed in this soul.
Forcing me to swallow the lonely.
I divorce myself from this happening.
Flare this latent strain of apathy.
To all that needed me.
With a reserved look and accusing stare.
I wake the wolf that dwells within.
Breaking the angels, cut the wings.
I wallow in the pool of pity.
Sentenced to time with nothing but my mind,
and deep regret.

PROFESSIONAL TRAUMA

Grasping into the air, coming up empty.
Reaching for the diamonds that you scatter.
Peppering oily words that lodge in my teeth.
My scull exhales.
I Blink.
You’re gone.
My house sits quietly.
The storm in the stillness, awaiting the break.
An internal collapse has rendered my soul paralysed.
A need to function, a call in the dark.
The wolf of the world howls in reply.
Teasing and taunting from my fingertips.
These dusty eyes are washed in my sea of overwhelm.
I breathe once more underwater.
Picking out the thorn buried deep in my side.
For I must go on, we must reach towards the light.
Though to drown in the sparks and spray of history, would sanctify my relevance.
I shudder, and weep.
For I too, still long to be complete.

IMPOSSIBLE

Carry these truths away, don’t bring them home.
Bury them deep inside my bones.
Fallen on ears so deaf and blind.
Refusing to allow the real inside.
So, you carry them, bury them, haul them away.
Set them on fire, to make me stay.
Ashes now, with smiles content.
The only way, that you relent.
I’ve seen your ghost, rush through my soul.
Staining lies and leaving holes.
That ache and bleed and drain my love.
Taking this heart to the skies above.

Weeds

A vacancy of care, this blanket cast over a life which moves all too quickly towards a known unknown.
Deep in the garden of this soul, dwells more things than time can offer adequate explanation.
Some things lurk in the shadows; others posture in the light.
The precious illusions of a healthy robust system, veils the knife’s edge of ever-threatening entropy.
So much here is living, so much here is dead already.
The deceased help the others in their spiritual rot. Bringing circles to life, which go round and round.
You came here and stood, while the grasses and the flowers tickled your feet.
Always barefoot in my garden, letting me smell your skin.
Wanting to slip within and feel more comfortable.
You took away those insecurities, wondering at the fruit and vine. You spent time, amongst my flowers and didn’t shy from the weeds.
Weeds, they do not thrive in happy conditions; they struggle and push; fighting for their place.
I let them flourish now but capping them at times, so they do not block out the light.
They are just as precious as the roses, and the gladioli; opposite ugly. The nasty side of my soul.
A garden begins from tiny seeds and a little hope. I watered it with the tears and sweat of a life forced upon broken shoulders. Maintained and cared for by the fairies, that took me away.
Walled away from the other plots, so as not to copy their design.
We grew too big for the space, going up and down into sky and soil. Seeking the light, and comforted by the dark. For in the dark, we aren’t a part of the outside world.
When you came, when you lifted the gate; the birds began to sing.
When you left, the flowers began to die.
But you did come, and you had stayed. Loving the weeds and the flowers as the same.
Now I must shake off the soil and decide what to plant next.

NEVER BE HERE

Mind and muscle try to escape gravity.
Standing too soon.
Trying to lift off into the unknown.
Far away from here.
Hanging onto nothing but indecision.
You close your eyes to the jet stream, and that fear of falling.
You feel it now in your veins.
Coursing through the difference like a teenager.
Struggling for understanding.
But they could never see. They would never know.
Eager to cover you in un-precious stones.
Which is why you must leave.
To sail on the solar winds that taste of honey.
Forget the palatableness of decay.
For a distant shore will feel sweeter.
Then this rocky edge of adolescence.

THIS BREATH HAS YOUR NAME

No weight.
No pain.
No feeling of truth or feeling what it takes.
Deep a long time ago, I smiled on through.
Heart in the air, eyes all untrue.
Now the shadows close in, splintering the heart.
Falling to pieces, back at the start.
All Heavy.
All pain.
All of this happening, again and again.
I remember you there, living and free.
Soul like the sunshine, endless like the sea.
Yet stolen away, your memory crashes my shore.
Like an old dying wreck, rotten forever more.
Trapped.
Free.
Screaming a hope, no one can see.
A future unfurls, blooms like a bud.
Bloodied by a thorn, hidden in the rub.
We’ll shake out the beauty, the fragrance of life.
For what dies in autumn, comes back when it is right.

Silence & Light

Between the moments.
Straddling the sigh.
The light there in your eyes.
What seeps into the space between.
Bookended against love and needful things.
What must I give, to receive.
This alchemy on the tempering waves of now.
In the dwindling darkness of despair.
My ego tried to take me there.
To a place where I need not change.
A gloomy existence of languished dead dreams.
But light split the seams.
Silently breaking a new dawn.
Whispering forever.