tinkering with ai pics be like

10 moon haikus, an attempt

Moon over cause, effect—

time’s lineage losing its mind,

tides drift at night.

***

Moon on the river,

pebble of happenstance rolls

through the silent tide.

***

Two moons, two stars signs

two shadows from wounded scars—

rips the wailing sea

***

Moon hears joy sounding,

telling all things, reconciling—

echo enters me.

***

Moon over the stream,

salmon against the current

returns home to die.

***

Moon in the dream asks:

are you what I’m dreaming of?

soft sobbing reply.

***

Moon holds the pendulum,

clock left hanging in midair—

viscous seconds bloom.

***

Moon of the world-spirit,

in the infinite all now

thought drowns into hush.

***

Moon over desire,

highest longing without thought

sinks into the whole.

***

Moon beyond all time,

that hidden universe waits—

ours at last to find.

random memories entry 38

-Estepona

One of my indicators that I am now a local to a certain place is when I finally feel the presence of a ghost. I mean, I’m a Filipino in Spain, and I can’t find any reason for a Spanish ghost to make paramdam if I don’t understand Spanish at all, nor their customs.

It was my first year when I felt something weird in the sala. It was especially strange when I felt heavy as I lay on the sofa, aside from the figures passing by that were reflected on the dark TV screen. One frightful moment was when I heard a pan fall, but when I checked the kitchen, nothing had fallen.

I shared this with my landlady, and she said the previous owners had their wake inside the house. It was a common tradition to lay the deceased in a bed within their home for a wake—often called velatorio en casa—for 24 to 48 hours before burial. (All about what is a wake and its traditions - Áltima)

-Madrid

Then recently, while walking along the Madrid River—even though it’s only my fifth month wandering around the city—I saw a weird, shadowy figure lying underneath a stone boulder. It was kinda scary, but I wanted to imagine it as just laying there aimlessly, as if watching the stars at night.

When I walked further, I saw a dedication wall along the bridge for the passing of a person. It could be him. And it warmed my heart to see so many friends expressing their love and loss through messages and flowers offered along the railing. So maybe he’s a happy ghost, dearly loved.

***

The ghosts no longer feel foreign to me. I remembered nichole kidman in "The Others", where sometimes we are not the only ones living in a house.  While the film centers on fear and revelation, my story centers on belonging. Coexistence instead of conflict. Afterall, we just share the same spaces, the same quiet corners of the sala, the same river breeze at night.

random memories p4

Entry 37 – Palawan

With Ms. B and Carla Quimsing.

Ms. B has three German friends who own a beach house in Palawan. We stayed there for several days while she helped them purchase property on the island.

I was in awe of that beach house, facing the West Philippine Sea and the South China Sea. The sunsets were breathtaking — vast, golden, endless.

Looking back, I think that experience planted a seed in me. Perhaps that was when I first dreamed of owning a beach house of my own — and eventually, a hostel. A place by the sea that feels like both escape and home.

Entry 36 – High School

My allowance was delayed because my father didn’t renew his contract.

There was a time when bread was my only meal. I felt deprived and convinced myself it was the worst kind of meal — because, to me, a proper Filipino meal had to have rice and viand.

Now that I’m in Europe, my perspective has changed. Bread is no longer a symbol of lack. It isn’t bad after all. Sometimes, it’s more than enough.

Entry 35 – Julio

My last visit in Danao.

We went to Catmon together. I rode on the back of his motorbike. We had coffee by the beach. For a moment, it felt as if we were lovers again.

It was a beautiful, tender day.

But when I got into the van to head home, I cried heavily. It was as if all the happy memories we once shared — all those bygone days when we were still together — came flooding back. They crashed against the new waves of separation, loneliness, loss, and quiet despair of what could have been.

Entry 34 – Francis Monfort

I gave him my favorite novel, Sputnik Sweetheart.

It wasn’t just a book — it was something personal. A quiet offering. A way of saying: This moved me deeply, and I want you to hold a piece of what moved me. A gift not to impress but to reveal.

Entry 33 – Misty Mornings

I started my misty morning walks with August by Taylor Swift.

I remember an ex lover, a fan of ts, who once sharing not only his favorite songs but the entire album — and all the men associated with Taylor Swift in each track. The way he spoke about the songs made them feel like living stories, not just music.

Somehow, those walks, that song, and those conversations all blend together now — soft, gray mornings filled with memory.

Entry 32 – Italy and Family

Spending five weeks with five different host families here in Italy allowed me to witness the dynamics of Italian families up close. And from what I’ve observed, it’s true — Italians are deeply connected to their families.

It made me reflect on my own.

My father is an OFW. Whenever he came home, we would go on vacations by the sea or have spontaneous hotel stays at Marco Polo. He loved giving us gifts, especially when our grades were good. He appreciated my handmade cards. He liked having us all in one room to watch a movie together.

But those moments were rare.

He would stay for only a month and then be gone for a year. He carried a military-like presence — disciplined, firm, not constantly affectionate.

Our bonding moments were few. But when they happened, they felt wonderful. Rare, fleeting, but deeply felt.

01/2026

31/01

-went to chueca by day and saw there are nice spots and a public library. Went for a coffee and sipped it on a rainy and cold winter day.

-Can't get over with hamnet, as i watch my first cinema (that i paid for) (cine yelmo ideal, dr Cortezo) here in Spain. I found myself crying, heavily. Paula too, more intensely. I could have cried tremendously but i got distracted with paul mescal's charm

-went home with a heavy heart

30/01

-one of those days when i woke up at the right side of the bed

-im able to roam my eyes again. More higher than just simply looking at my steps.

-im surprised that I'm listening to olivia dean, and i love her tracks. Done my early walk at the nearby park, as not to be nervous later with my interview for BEDA. Just immerse myself with the tranquility and assure myself that everything will be fine.

28-29/01

-days are getting lighter

-had my first heavy snow experience here in collado Villalba. First snow fight and real life snowman with the kids (students). The kid in me is screaming.

-really loving my quite and slow early morning

-the view outside my window: light sunshine, snowcapped mountains and a passing train. I'm not romanticizing this time, but it's definitely charming.

-got ecstatic about the upcoming amnesty. I just can't believe after months of getting crazy and anxious about my irregular status, now there's an opportunity to grow more here in Spain. Grateful!

24-27/01

-fought back the demons in my head as if it was the green little monster by murakami 

-talked with russ and told him about my darkness and how these seeds of dormant monsters are now creeping on me. He told me about generational trauma (colonialism) and reco the brown.psyche

-hand over as provenance, han kang's the vegetarian, to maren

-watching full docus on YouTube, the one that hit me so hard is at 27:00:

The unloved children of sex tourists 

23/01

-other than bed rotting, i also need to counter brain rot. So i am on socmed detox for now and read: the vegetarian. I'm done on the first part last night, it was intense. Will continue the 2nd part today.

-went to see my doctor, dra Cristina and told her I had a potential std and had me swabbed in the area I had never been swabbed before. Well, there's always the first time for everything 

-talked with maxie bella about my social anxiety and awkwardness with my new colleague and i felt reassured and heard. Thank you mareh...

-friday getaway with joana paola in madrid centre and really had fun. She flipped a coin and followed her ex lover back. I saw an old gay couple having an intimate drink by the window. Also saw someone who i found too handsome, so I looked away only to find him again smiling at me, however, just like everyone in the metro, fades away along the crowd, the street signs and subways. But still, it is a fun and heartwarming Friday night.

22/01

-just realized i still feel like myself, just muted. Maybe i am constantly sensitive (co living with my landlady) and socially overstimulated (handling kids). So interacting with maren and especially with jamie (who i really feel weird) is daunting 😅. It creates a ripple effect specially during the break where i found myself in a hurry in getting my coffee which makes (think) the people around me feel like I'm on a run.

-my consolation for today is i had a great time with the kids especially in playing football. As if im watching a championship match

-on my way home, meet jaime, my happy crush. He is really handsome. I told him i won't be back until Monday so i bid him have a great weekend ahead. He smiled and we did high five but for me it is kind of holding or touching his hand which is very soft. The thought of it made me giddy and when I'm all alone, i lingered my hand on my nose and my lips. 😭

20-21/01

-my social anxiety is getting worse. I don't have this before. I felt I was more of a cocktail kind of person but now, i felt awkward around people. Talked about this with Maren 

-winter cold and dampness made my feelings even worse. I had less appetite and low vibration. Having coffee just made me hypersensitive and nervous. I'm at a loss for what to do for now.

19/01

-we have an additional language assistant from the UK. His name is jamie and he reminds me of Andrew (my co summer camp counselor in Milan). We started awkwardly with him but i hope we will have a great time with Maren.

-btw, Jaime is as cute as ever. He is indeed my happy crush.

-i was totally affected by the recent train derailment in Andalusia. Can't stop myself from watching the news about the death toll. Last year, there was also a tragedy in southern Spain with flash flooding. Why am i getting engrossed with these tragedies? Even if i find it disturbing and saddening? Am i that troubled and sad? Or am I just too zen and these nuisances retain the messy kind of human in me?

18/01

-enjoyed the sunny winter and saw the beautiful snowcaps in the surrounding mountains. I miss walking in this path in el Cerillo. Walk without my phone and simply disconnect from socmed and reconnect with nature 

16-17

-my appointment with dra Cristina was postponed but seen cute guys in the hospital 😅

-found a very peaceful chapel near the hospital 

-coffee with joana paola at cuento cafe and tried their ube cake

-we went to the old matadero and the new mall across it.

-russ shared this vid (handel) and adored the restraint emotion yet poignant potency: Se il mio amor fu il tuo

-watched handel's imeneo 

15/01

-believing is better than knowing 

-finished stranger things s5

-watched star Cinema's "and the bread winner is"

14/01

-It's weird when i felt i woke up on the right side of the bed earlier (able to sleep 8 hours), generally had a great day and all of a sudden, i had an incident with Elyan (1st grade) who hit me and Luca (in PE class) with a rocket when elyan cannot handle his tantrum. It was a violent incident that we needed to raise an incident report. I feel sorry for Luca who has his chin bruised and for myself as my lip burst. It's very traumatic and i hope elyan receive proper guidance.

13/01

-as im having this insomnia, i listen to audiobook: elephant vanishes: sleep

-sleepless night goes on, start reading vera's gift: han kang's "the vegetarian" 

11-12/01

-random realization: as a UP graduate, before, i felt i have so much edge to other graduates from other schools.

Now, I feel I have to compete with other nationalities such as British and Americans

-meet Joana Paola for her belated bday

-coming back from 3-week worth of vacation in Norway, msged Vera that i feel rested gyud.. mas na kalma ko pag balik nako in Spain.. i feel softer and smoother around the edges.

-such a beautiful sunny winter day when we attended the mass, find the dark haired priest to be attractive. The coffee and pastries served after the mass reminds me of "pamainit" during simbang gabi in my younger years.

10/01

-we went to this sleigh slope where i had my first snow gliding. 

-It's embarrassing to admit that i had my first snow surfing first rather than the surfing with the waves in the Philippines 

-my vision is filled with sparks. Like electrons cruising through my veins in my eyes. Even the moisture sparkles in the sun. Purely magical.

09/01

-just loving the bus ride going to Oslo in the snowy weather. Sparkling sparkles. A wind riding through the winter wonderland 

-had coffee at the opera house, with the view of the fjord and iceberg glass installation art, to simply commemorate my last Friday here in Norway. Ending my 3 week vacation with a bittersweet apostrophe 

-back at vera's house, me together with the family watched this film about the boy named Christmas. And how believing is better than knowing.

08/01

-savor the sunny day, walk along the coastal side of oslo and go through the capitol then to astrup fernly museum 

-had this moment at the port and look at the akershus fortress from the other side

-got lost between regional and city trains at the national theater 😅

-finally meet vera at nydalin (after two failed attempts) and she showed me around the IT park-esque area, where her previous office was located

-bonding moment with vera over coffee and marshapan cake at the baker hansen

-intense talk with vera

07/01

-able to speak with chai, and as usual it lasted for hours. We talked about the milestone we've been through as we reached 40

-visit museet and able to see the other side of the fjord at night.

-dance under the oslo tree, with its thousands of LED leaves

02-06/01

-Simply slowdown and drift with my thoughts 

***

-winter is in full force. All is white. Crystaline flickerings.

-got myself transfixed at the view in my window at vera's place in myhra. Snow, pine trees, white and frosted. Moon, stars, transcend(ential). Huge, cinematic.

-went to the hotel thon lillestrome and enjoyed the pool and sauna. Also the steam room feels like bjork's reverb chamber. Sang ave maria a la Charlotte church

-also had this intimate jacuzzi moment and i have the entire pool area to myself.

-slow breakfast with vera and her family 

-kulitan with the kids, william and Alicia 

-thomas and i had this wonderful talk about his musical creations, my ptsd healing process and how's life in general 

01/01

-had the first sunrise at våg inlet

-had our early morning mass

- Sumptous dinner with vera and her family 

-had our first snow, just like a rain in the Philippines, a sign of blessings 

recent realizations: entry# 2

As a UP Diliman graduate, I used to believe I had an edge.

I carried it lightly, almost unconsciously—

a confidence I didn’t need to defend.

Now I find myself competing not just with other people,

but with entire nationalities.

With locals who belong without trying,

with Brits and Americans whose passports

seem to arrive ahead of them,

opening doors before they even speak.

What I thought was distinction

feels fragile here.

Intelligence, discipline, years of effort—

they all grow quieter

beside accents, borders, and documents.

And some days, I am not asking to be exceptional anymore.

I am only asking to be allowed

to stay,

to work,

to matter.

recent realizations: entry# 1

I saw an interracial straight couple earlier in the Madrid metro—an Asian woman and a Caucasian man. They looked like such a beautiful pair, equally pretty and handsome. Well dressed, well off. As if they were at the height of both their relationship and their careers. There was a sense of freedom about them—financial, emotional, existential. No trace of hardship or struggle on their faces.

Meanwhile, here I am, wrapped in a constricting jacket, my backpack as heavy as my thoughts about being an irregular resident in Spain and the uncertainty of my future employment. Cold and damp, in this humid kind of winter.

When was the last time I was in a healthy, visible relationship? I miss smiling brilliantly with my partner, and having him smile just as brilliantly back at me.

Or when was the last time my heart smiled with me?

12/2025

31/12

-saw the last sunset at flateby bruk.

Had my traditional moment with bjork's harm of will

-had dinner, had a toast for 2026, and witnessed the first batch of snowflakes 

30/12

-spend walking around Gothenburg and going swimming.

-went to the sauna and saw these beautiful Scandinavian male forms, one stand in front of me with his full masculinity, seeing his perfect calves, smooth, huge tamed handsome penis and good statue like posture makes me believe that he is a descendant of Baldr, the most attractive Scandinavian god

-had our year end virtual get together with diwatitas and diwatitos

29/12

-had a wonderful slow breakfast in heden hotel 

Today is one of those days that never ends. Funny how it’s Monday, and I fully embrace it.

-walk around Gothenburg with Vera and her family 

-i love Haga, it reminds me of a xmas neighbourhood in an illustration book.

-Met the Swedish guy for the 2nd time. He even invited me to his house where he shared a photo of his cozy bedroom. We really had a connection and shared some sweet warm tenderness in my hotel room. He also mentioned that if only i stay longer in Sweden he could have took me for a date. It's my first time to have this kind of treatment (generosity) here in Europe - far from the Spanish or Latinos.

-all of a sudden i miss Gabriel. Maybe because his profile popped up in my insta. 

28/12

-cut off the last remaining part of my dead toe nail, which corresponds with the death i felt when i got brokenhearted by manilvaguy last april (see april 2025 entry)

-vera and thomas surprise me with a road trip to Sweden! We are heading to Gothenburg 

-met a swedish guy locally from here, in Gothenburg and had a great sex. 

I also met this aryan looking guy who looks like the prince in Aladdin. Finally my dry spell kinda ended. I felt not so tight and grumpy anymore.

27/12

-talk with russ and vera

3 lowlights and highlights 

High school memories 

Explaining vera that chai is one of the pillars and that she will always be present and entangled  in our stories

26/12

-felt really sick but i manage to walk to the farm. And have a sunny morning in the frosty season in Norway.

-reminisce while scrolling through my posts from January until now. It is true that I've been through a lot and bed rotting is to simply honour that rest.

24-25/12

-spend xmas with Vera and her family. Thomas, william, Alicia, blanche, kristin and lolo Gayrn.

22-23/12

-simply doze off and drift off. I let my mind fly.

-had my experience of the sauna and went into the chilling cold outside 

-i realised all the constant anxiety and traumas i had recently made me curl back into my shell. More than being socially anxious, I know there is something wrong with me. Just staying on the rooftop cabin and staring blankly outside calm me down. Now I feel much better.

-ruben found me on telegram. Informed him that i changed my number and let him know that knowing him is one of the highlights i have this year.

21/12

-it's been more than a month since my last sex. My last was with Gabriel. I'm surprised i could handle this long abstinence.

20/12

-blanche birthday 

-bond with Vera and her family 

-harutan with William and Alicia, simply hearing their laughter makes me laugh

19/12

-after a series of anxiety for travelling with an expired TIE, i finally made it to Oslo. My passport wasn't even checked in my transit in Copenhagen.

18/12

-skip class today. I just felt lazy and tired. Don't wanna work much since i already did rehearsals with my class and i felt I'm no use for the show on Friday (my off) that i'm not being around anyway. I just allow myself to be softened, have some peace and try to feel joy in this dark and cold winter.

16-17/12

-"festivity feels" hanging in the air. Done musical rehearsal with my class "los besos, a mi mama, los besos a mi papa"

14-15/12

-slow down. Just taking things easy.

-my recent anxiety attacks are now being lessened.

-able to reflect and find meaning in the experiences I've been through.

-after decades of extremely active sex life, haven't had any hook ups for a long time and simply get comfort in wholesome and meaningful connections.

-Messaged Gabriel about me taking medication after he mentioned he got positive with Chlamydia. For some reason i didn't take it badly and just get on with it.

-watched Jennifer Lawrence ' "die, my love". This movie makes me feel better being alone with seasonal affairs rather than having unmet satisfaction with a long term partner.

13/12

-had a great talk with Russ and talk about budoy's passing. Now we reflect on the idea of death and how ethereal our life here on earth.. i also insert how chai reminds us how we envision our deaths (we have this internal joke of the versions of how we are going to die), and we thought we wanted to live until 50 (after Raymund, ms B's deceased partner, committed suicide).

Now, realising there is so much to live for, we laughed with the naivety of our youth. And that laughter makes us want to live longer. 

-It's one of those moments when you don't have to watch a drama movie for you to cry. This absolutely breaks my heart. 

#Gazabreakingstory

11-12/12

-sent a lot of applications, come what may. Remind myself that this life is not a problem to solve but a journey to experience 

-went to my doctor for my regular check up, her name is dra. Cristina and she's really nice and cool. it feels like I'm going back on track to take care of my health.

-went to the Madrid centre with Joana Paola and we had our first buffet and it feels like I'm financially capable after 1 year here in Spain.

-we also went to debod and enjoyed the xmas town. We went for a long walk and just talked about our heart breaks and all that stuff. I joke with her about her famous line: a hill to die on 

09-10/12

-Can't help but get envious about my friends who were also abroad and able to do the things they want while they are in the comfort of their husband's support. I wish I had their luck, but it seems that I'm the only one who can save myself 

-i have this realisation that my path here in the EU is never easy and i don't have anyone to lean on to. Called max about it. It's just gnawing in me and i can't help but to exclaim it.

-spent my entire day and nights sending applications around the EU, Japan and the US for possible teaching post as my contract from the ministry of education in Spain will finish next year.

08/12

-woke up with so much energy and had this jolt of applying for online jobs, but it feels counterproductive as winter really means i simply have to hibernate. Simply jut down notes which i could use for the next summer camp in Italy since Mommey G already booked me for next year.

07/12

-just threading along the silence. No exciting events, no friends to be with. No hook ups, no flirting, no giddy romance. An internal retreat.

-finally its a sunny day. had a wonderful walk.

-watch Japan's queer positive series: the boyfriend 

-had this guided meditation for my anticipatory anxiety:

05-06/12

-having this usual high on watching stranger things. Can't wait for the season 5 finale this coming new years eve

-my fb feed is flooded with budoy's sudden passing. Chai also messaged and we kid ourselves with our past "youth naivety" on reaching only at our 30s (as we have this Fernando syndrome, ms. B's partner who guns himself at the age of 50)

-having this anticipatory anxiety about the future since my program with the education ministry is about to end next year. My mind keeps on running around: job search, visa renewal, even my upcoming trip to Norway since my TIE card is under renewal. I'm restless and anxious all the time.

-quite myself with yoga and guided meditation 

-found myself staring blankly at the leafless tree at my window, blurred by damp sleet.

03-04/11

-done some decoration for xmas, bonding time with Maren, my American co-aux

-went to the Madrid center and hung out with joana paola. Able to witness Matisse' master pieces for the first time. Also Tried san gines for the first time and adored the xmas lights around sol. And as usual we went to our favourite pub: el tigre

-walked home cozy(ied) with the warmth of my trench coat and basked in the full moon. 

02/12

-still can't get over the feeling that i don't have any payables to my kuya carlo from my loan getting here in Europe. Able to pay it in one year. Gosh. Oh well, my ROI is more than enough. So I'm beyond grateful.

01/12

-got a message from gibraltar.guy that he is currently in my hometown in bantayan. I'm glad he is loving it. If only I was with him, i could have spent  it in his arms.

11/2025

30/11

-simply drift along the current of nothingness

29/11

-Long talk with Maxie bella as i share with her our moment in national museum in manila with the spolarium as i have the picture side by side with Guernica. My then and now entry.

-i have this dance as if no one is watching moment in Cerillo with this track:

Kyril: This dance

Inhale the chilly wind and bask in the autumnal sunshine. With the hazy vibe of the Spanish savanna.

28/11

-went for an interview at an international school (TEMS). It's a way for me to also push myself since I've felt lethargic lately. They have a very beautiful campus. The interview was like a talk and i found myself talking in a pleasurable way and at the same time, at a performance level. That adrenaline rush pumping and all that.

-Sadly, i don't have the right paperwork to start immediately. And i was not given an assurance if i will be rostered for a future post. I don't want to keep my hopes high but it was good practice. I miss having interviews, it kinda summarizes your life work and your credentials. Also i realized how i scream for stability, for a long term here in spain. I hope the universe will hear it and grant it to me in due course.

-went to reina Sofía and got kilig from one kilig to another. I'm seeing the surreal masters that i studied, from one artist to another. Miro, Dali, Picasso. And i was able to see the guarnica in full force. It's as massive and as intense as the spolarium of juan luna. 

-then meet Paula we went to medialab matadoro, near Legazpi station. To watch the rare future expo. I am blown away with the series of presentations. Especially with the AI flop and how it slimmed into hype. Also the alice guo metaverse. I wish gabriel was there, he could have enjoyed it.

-we end up having some drinks in el tigre and watch the seasoned lights in sol. 

27/11

-taking it slowly. Went to the park, laguna el Carrizal and simply basked in the autumn leaves.

-my landlady and i had a wonderful quick talk, she still can't believe i am in my 40s.

-message Gabriel. I wish my place was free but my landlady is here. I miss him.

26/11

-scheduled for blood work so i have to fast. Brave the early morning coldness with an empty stomach

-went to Hospital General Universitario Gregorio Marañón and have my general check up and able to get my meds. I'm so thankful to the staff. I felt i got my faith back in humanity.

-walk around el retiro and lavapies, with low energy i cannot fully appreciate it and simply immerse myself with the autumn foliage.

25/11

-surrendered to the freezing cold. 

-just do nothing. And submit to the ongoing theme: turning off survival mode and simply thrive

24/11

-went to the Madrid center and met Ana who helped me with my meds. 

Told Russ how thankful i am that somehow I'm hopeful with the situation.

-parque retiro in damp autumn feels so depressingly beautiful.

-It's nice to have a wonderful walk

23/11

-just do nothing and succumb to the coldness. I felt paralyzed under my sheets. But my mind is so clear. So i just reminisce about the years gone by. Emberring.

-called mamu and maxie bella. And somehow i felt better. 

22/11

-went for a walk in Cerillo on a freezing autumnal cold and watched the sky bleed. I cannot feel my hands as both of them were like ice. 

the sadness i felt from yesterday is still with me as i reminisce about all the instances i get broken heart. I felt overwhelmed with pain and i cried myself in the middle of a darkening field.

21/11

-had my first murakami book club online

-listen to South of the border west of the sun the entire day and able to finish it in one sitting. Something I've never done for a long time. My first was when i was in high school with harry potter. As i finished the book, i felt a really deep sadness.

20/11

-went to the madrid center again after hibernating in Collado Villalba, i feel this thrill once again.

-i got apprehended by the police just by staying in a dark alleyway near gran via and chueca, i suppose its a meet up for chemsex goer as gay men are the police target. An officer almost searched for my bag and saw my meds and injection. I thought I would be sent to the station for more explanation but after i told them i have a cita in a nearby clinic, they just let me go. I felt worried.

-meet joana paola and we went to el tigre bar and caught up over wine and tapas. It was a great night as we talked about our "jinxed" love life potentials so we better not divulge so much from now on. Lols

18-19/11

-im having these dreams of my past routine, of going to the bar and corporate jobs. i felt light hearted when I woke up. It feels distant yet it's still within me. It's strange because i already decided to finally leave that lifestyle when i get here in Europe but those things were my comfort for almost 2 decades. Or maybe i felt lighthearted because I'm totally free from it. 

17/11

-woke up at 2am with so much worry. I guess all these sufferings are now taking their toll on me. Had this guided meditation for acceptance and letting go:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/07tWcTDvLlsbOkgVF4qxNa?si=QDXRKkMaQ120RFlk2n5VAQ

-Finally have good responses from my mass message for clinic appointments. I felt relieved.

-meet Gabriel for the 2nd time, and the sex was amazing. Was able to cum tremendously this time. Gave him a good massage to practice my "body work" skill and we were able to talk a little bit about each other. It is a good moment.

 

16/11

For blog entry:

-listen to audiobooks of murakami's wind-up bird chronicle. I realized i didn't remember the details of the entirety of it, aside from it being too long (two volumes) i might not have the readership maturity when i first read it. I would agree that murakami's characters are weird and absurd. I only made out of sense on it when i get it alongside the absurdity of my own life experiences. The surreality of unreal and reality.

-worried about my arv medication and sent mass email to all possible clinics as my private insurance doesn't cover it.

-continue with my job applications as backup for next year.

-there is so much noise in my head and in my heart. Uncertainties, fear and loneliness. Called maxie bella.

15/11

-papa's 75th bday. i know that he is still grieving with the passing of auntie Myrna, but i pray to God to give him strength to carry on. Sending him love.

-watched marvin samaco's india trip series

-Rewatched Elite series and realized im living in the area where it was mostly shot here in Collado Villalba 

14/11

-talked with Vera and released all my frustrations about my residency here in Spain under a student visa instead of a working permit that i felt limited and my finances is just enough to scrape me by. Also the loneliness i felt. Cried as i release these bitter tears in my eyes.

-Friday night and i am penniless. Plus the weather was dampy and cold. Grabbed my wine and cheese in the fridge and played bjork Volta live in Paris and party inside my room. I felt euphoric.

13/11

-It dawns on me that I'm always tired because my mind always feels unsafe. Away from home, away from my family and friends, my community.

Listening to the audiobook: murakami's "the wind-up bird chronicle" as i read it years ago and wanted to relive the memory of it. I felt i can relate to lieutenant mamiya. At times, especially this time of colder and lonely months, I felt living abroad is like being in a war. Away, desolate and miserably lonely.

12/11

-got the news that my aunt myrna passed away today. I hope Papa, as next to kin, would have several years before his turn. I want to see him live in his 80's or beyond. As long as I'm able to see him live a comfortable life (ideally once i got my resort business) once again before he passes away.

11/11

-today, I'm totally moneyless. Simply did nothing fancy. Just nothing

-met Dario, the sexy Syrian, once again but i felt nothing

-wished for something like someone i feel safe and feel at home with, and abundance, but in the end i simply wish for contentment.

 

10/11

-Finally had someone who can really fuck me well and have a huge dick. He also speaks English so we're able to communicate well. He asked for my WhatsApp after our sex so let's see how this goes. His name is Gabriel just from here in Collado Villalba.

08-09/11

-wala koy undang sa pagtan-aw sa akong feeds sa fb for the damages brought by typhoon Tino in Cebu, pero sakit kaayo . So i have to protect my heart as well and all i could do is send my prayers for those who were affected specially mga previous officemates and friends nako didto.

-im also dealing with flooding to loneliness. Especially with the cold weather. I felt im numb. 

-had a long walk towards iglesia de naval quijigo and saw the ruins. Maybe that's why I love abandoned houses and ruins because i resonate with them.

07/11

-i am filled with quiet joys recently. I just rewatched The Secret World of Arrietty and again drowned with the beauty of studio ghibli and the bittersweet feeling of transient love.

-can't get over with the med intern and Dario as i had a moment with them after classes.

06/11

- i woke up just past midnight, had a hard time going back to sleep, and I blogged:

https://hotmug.blogspot.com/2025/11/only-yesterday-did-i-learn-his-name.html

-the moon is still so bright from the full moon last night. Went for a night walk even how chilly it is. Walk with my headphones on and finish the 46hr long (3 volume) 1Q84. I was beyond ecstatic with the ending and was even reliving the out of this world dream like trance with the novel. Specifically how i traverse the underground passageway from the collado Villalba Highway where i first came here. I hope, with the view of the moon, i have now overcome the harsh realities of the past and come into a new world.

-It's one of those best moon nights, especially since I am in line on what i am hearing (audiobook) that somehow reflects on what i am experiencing. This exchanging phrase hit me hard:

"You said you're going far away," Tamaru said. "How far away are we talking about?"

"It's a distance that can't be measured."

"Like the distance that separates one person's heart from another's.

- 1Q84

05/11

-so manilva.guy has a name. Before i only knew his initials: ESL.

Then just now, his profile came across my facebook account after I synced my contacts.

And his real name is Eloy Sanz Luque. As I got into his account, i went through a whirlpool of images, so I wandered in wonder. And i stop myself before i get myself back to the quagmire. We are having this rainy autumn, a seasonal shift to the harsh cold of the upcoming winter. My heart simply shudders in the coldness of loss.

Quick mantra:

"What returns does so for understanding, not possession.

I meet the past with clarity, the present with calm, and the future with choice.”

03-04/11

-rewatched studio ghibli's Red Turtle and i felt I'm on an island right now here in Collado Villalba. All i have to do is give up the idea of fighting my compulsions and give in what this quiet place can bring.

-felt worried about my family in Cebu as they had a very destructive typhoon 

-typhoons in the Philippines is like tossing a marble on a board game of (un)fortune, it can landfall on Luzon, visayas or in mindanao.. hmm it can be satirical interactive art form

-having this as a gentle reminder from st. Francis de Assisi on what it is to be strong:

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/17g8sdiUDn/

02/11

-was depressed. Sad and lonely from yesterday's blow (jose Luis ).

I knew it the moment i woke up. Instead of lingering on the feeling, i have to get up and do my grocery. 

-call Mamu and my family in the Philippines and Max who is now in Biri island with Shawie. So somehow it made me laugh and simply enjoy the sunny side of life.

-tried to jog to ease the suffering and get comfort from the autumn leaves and the impermanence of this season.

01/11

-woke up with a dream. Chai welcomed me and Russ in the Philippines and we eat karenderia food and they are so affordable and we have this sense of so much plenty 

-have this guided meditation the moment I woke up:

https://youtu.be/rfytDN9bYj8?si=_UBBePk7G3hzl5Zu

-jose Luis didn't make it for our date, family duties). So i went shopping in the carrefour hypermarket. The found 50eur went to buy a rice cooker that i have to replace from my landlady. So instead of going for a Halloween party, i found myself walking in the freezing cold and try not to spend because my money is already budgeted.

-this is the most boring Halloween weekend for me. I muse myself with having a peak on Russ in syquía with friends yesterday and also revisiting my old pictures.

then and now

 

spolarium  x guernica

2015 x 2025

Severed: on Murakami's South of the Border, West of the Sun

I just re-finished South of the Border, West of the Sun by Murakami upon seeing a book club that would discuss it at the end of the day. I already read it as one of the first Murakami books I read upon recommendation by my German design teacher (Ingrid). I think I was 20 years old at that time. And I tried to also remember if it's Dance Dance Dance or this one, South of the Border, West of the Sun, which she handed over to me. I believe one or the other, because she kind of introduced me to Murakami and later I became an avid reader. I also have this vague memory that I reread it as an e-book around 2017 after I broke up with my second boyfriend, Gerard. Reading this book always gave me this comfort to accompany me in my pain.

Then eight years after, with not so vivid a memory of the book, I scoured to find an audio book that I could listen to, which was doable since it only has 15 chapters and is around 8 hours in length. It's like binge-watching an entire season of a series. So I said, I will give it a shot. The last time I had this thrill of finishing a book was with Harry Potter when my schoolmate in high school lent me his book and said, “You can only have this for a day since someone else wishes to read it the next day.” So here I was, sitting under a mango tree behind our school campus in UP High Cebu until dusk, and I got so mesmerized and drunk-like with euphoria when I finished the book in one sitting.

So I started and was determined to finish it before the scheduled book club gathering at night, but when I was on the 12th chapter, I dozed off, and when I woke up, the remaining three chapters could not be finished. So I was only able to finish listening to it until chapter 13.

So there I was, at my first Murakami book club. At first I was very hesitant since I consider Murakami as something I want to keep to myself, like a jar of cookies I want to savour on my own. But I was very curious how it goes, so I joined, and lo and behold I met other Murakami fans who were so eager to share their thoughts. Although I am so shy, and the organizers were not sensitive enough in how to manage the participants who wanted to share. There was an attempt when I wanted to share my thoughts with video and camera, but there were participants whom I assume to be long-time members who could not be stopped, or I was very conscious not to interrupt to show respect. So I ended up only chatting some of my few reactions.

Some of the ideas that were shared were quite interesting; some of them I nodded to in agreement; some I had a different belief about based on my personal perspective. With this book discussion, I kept an open mind and secretly held on to what I believe and how it struck me. One of those is the realization that the film Past Lives is a parallel with this one. Also, the possibility of Shimamoto as something imagined. Well, for me she is real. Now, let me go ahead and write some of my memories of this book and my re-realizations after encountering this book for the third time.

Shimamoto is real, and I have some theories why:

Shimamoto has “taning.”
She is about to die (the medication she has, with which she almost died when she forgot to take some),
and yes, she wanted to kill herself,
and eventually wished to die with Hajime.
It's all or nothing—even the gift she gave but eventually got back:
a severing of ties, a memory---not a promise, a non-verbal goodbye.

For me, it’s one of Murakami’s most grounded novels—stripped of magic realism and focused instead on what it means to be human: suffering, raw darkness, and quiet pain.

To commemorate, I went for a walk in Cerillo (Collado Villalba) on a freezing autumnal cold and watched the sky bleed. I could not feel my hands as both of them were like ice.

The sadness I felt with the book is still within me, bringing back painful memories that I also personally have, which ride along in each passage. As if I punished myself again and again as I reminisced all the instances I got brokenhearted. I felt overwhelmed with pain, and I cried in the middle of a darkening field.

Now it does

 

This is the actual copy of the book I read back in 2008. I was twenty-three, in my first real love, and I remember having this vague sense that it was a wonderful book—just one whose teeth never quite sank into me.

Lately, I’ve been fascinated by listening to audiobook versions of Murakami’s works. I always tell my friends that once I’ve encountered Murakami, it’s hard to read—or even care about—other authors. With my eyesight declining, rereading on a screen, like an e-book, isn’t really an option anymore.

In that sense, listening to the audiobook version brings me so much joy. It’s a way of revisiting and reimagining the stories I first loved, reliving the feeling of those earlier reading days, and reconnecting with the memories of being completely absorbed in his worlds. 

Now, I am listening to the audiobook of Murakami’s The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, I’m realizing how little I actually retained. Beyond remembering that it was long (those three volumes combined into one felt endless), I don’t think I had the readerly maturity for it at the time.

Murakami’s characters are undeniably weird and absurd, but this time around the absurdity feels different—sharper, more familiar. Maybe because I finally have enough of my own life’s absurdities to hold it up against. That blurry line between the unreal and the real doesn’t feel like fiction anymore; it feels like recognition.

Back then, the last thing I remembered clearly was Toru pondering inside the well (as i personally have an experience stuck in a well when I was a kid, long story). I didn’t even register the theme of betrayal. And honestly, why would I have? I was in my early twenties, still in love with Julio, floating in my first wonderful relationship. I wasn’t jaded yet—still giddy with romance, still busy romanticizing romance itself. Everything felt soft and sensual and hopeful. No wonder the darker threads of the novel slid right past me.

After all the heartaches, the brokenness, the emptiness I’ve lived through since, the book finally has weight. Its essence is no longer just palatable—it’s digestible. It makes sense now in a way it never could have back then. Now it does.

Only yesterday did I learn his name.

I woke up in the middle of the night, just past midnight and went to pee outside (yes, we have an external toilet in this apartment) and brave the harsh northern Spain early winter cold just to see the full moon. But here, unlike in Andalusia, it is usually cloudy.

My hometown was struck by a terrifying typhoon yesterday. Images of a devastated Cebu keep me awake long after I close my eyes. Past midnight, I woke suddenly and couldn’t fall back asleep — as if the Andalusian sea breeze went here in Madrid carried with it the same haunting images of Manilva Guy. Only yesterday did I learn his name.

Eloy. Eloy. Eloy. 

Eliger in Spanish, from the Latin word means "to choose". All this time, he has this name. It's weird. We haven't introduced ourselves properly. We haven't exchanged names but here i am, i choose to love, smitten by him. 

It dawned on me that what we had was a transient kind of love — it began in February and ended by April. Three months of heavenly sex and hellish jealousy.

From a distance, it was only a fleeting moment. Yet, like Elio and Oliver’s summer, ours was a fling in spring — sun and rain, seeds bursting to life, blossoms at their peak, then wilting in their own beauty. A blanket of fog dissolving at sunrise.

As Sho once said in The Secret World of Arrietty, “There was a time it felt like a borrowed memory.” Eloy would see it differently — perhaps a therapist would have their own word for it — but I have to claim it. Because no matter how brief it was, it changed me completely.

It reawakened my childhood trauma. I know I’ve written about this before — and here I am, writing it again, as it resurfaces beneath this Taurus full moon, ruled by Mars.

A karmic checkpoint. Emotional flare-ups. Old patterns reaching out to the “new me.” Or am I still defining myself through who I once was?

I ask myself: What am I being shown about my patterns of giving and receiving love?

Acts of service and submission. Acts of surrendering fear while craving trust as protection. An alien, a migrant seeking validity, pareja de hecho, desperate for a permit — for belonging. A plea, a need for home.

But what I found was not clarity, but complexity — jealousy birthing distance, detachment disguised as control.

And yet, at the centre of the storm, something steadier emerges. A quiet understanding that home was never something to be given — it was something to be remembered.

And yet, perhaps this, too, is part of the healing — learning that even when love unravels, I remain. Whole, watchful, becoming.

ug sa dihang, naa siyay ngalan

kaniadto, inisyal ra — E.S.L.

murag hunghung sa mga anghel

pero karong gabii, 

ilang mga paku, adunay mga ngabil

mga pagkinto kinto sa mga tiil

kalit silang ni siwil.

usa ka tanum.

usa ka liso

sa pagturok, wala ko mag dahum

nga abi nako, 

dugay na siya na lubong

sa menteryo sa kalimut.

apan, sa akong fb feed,

kalit nisubang 

dala ang mga kagahapon

mga hinumduman, nikamang

mga kalag, nibangon

ug sa dihang, naa siya'y ngalan:

Eloy Sanz Luque

murag sa akong ngipon,

adunay nigimaw

usa ka dako nga kiki

iyang mga hulagway,

taga "click next"

paksit!

tagsa-tagsa, 

mupisik ang mga kasakit.

mga hulagway 

nga daw sa yawa, 

ni agik-ik.

ni lanog sa kangitngit.

"Undangon tah ni, peste!"

Sa dili pa matintal usab,

sa dili pa maimpyerno ug balik

sa gawas, 

ang uwan sa kahilum nag lumba

mitulo ang iyang ngalan: 

E.S.L.

ga kinto-kinto, 

susama sa gatusan na mga tiil

10/2025

31/10

-Finally ended our two week Halloween deco and it's amazing how i can still create. Was anxious about it but by just showing up, you can definitely do something, anything. Also gone crazy liver-eater with small kids. It's draining but fun.

-payday but my salary went all to my rent, bills and payables. But found a 50 eur bill by the street, biggest bill I've picked so far.. i remember when i was 10 years old, i found 4, 20peso bills and i have it as a capital for candies and i had it as my business. Not much for a capital here in Europe but i hope it's a sign of financial breakthrough.

-reminisce about how i usually party in a club during Halloween but I'm not sure this time, i don't have the energy and the means.

30/10

-an early morning read: 

"We yearn for certainty and must make our peace with doubt, flickering and static" -alain de botton/school of life

http://youtube.com/post/UgkxGOythDGnP9hebpXFcvUVkM35ZHIdmeSy?si=K0b5FndMhksKKJFd

29/10

-something that i love about my current work today is that you don't have to prepare anything, you just have to show up.

-i still have my bureaucracy blow from my late prórroga yesterday and my dating issue here in Spanish but i keep on counting my blessings. Especially my constant visit from our house cat, Santi who  becomes my constant companion.

-the impending 400eur or more fine is really a horror, but i will simply let it go and think of the money i saved from Italy specially my stay in Italy farm for a month without any expenses.

-was already happy when chai wishes to send a scent she concocts for russ that reminds of that afternoon in busay, and russ wishes to accept it. But then chai, not pushing for it. I dunno. It feels being rammmed in the middle and i have no one to talk to, even vera since she is also not in good terms with chai. I dunno, i felt this jolt in my head, my heart and in my stomach. Then again, I was reminded that my current theme is suffering is my favorite past time. I simply laughed about it. But tbh, I'm at the point where i don't want to be in between (the bridge) anymore.

-saw the trailer of my love makes you disappear and i felt I'm too serious with my potential lovers. And then i said to myself, I'm no clown nor comic, so i don't want to fake it as well. I dunno.

28/10

-had this weird conversation with Pablo. I guess he is trying to be kind and me trying to be pushed over. I'd rather have it stop. It is getting toxic. On the other hand, jose Luis is not messaging. I was done with this phase, but it's resurfacing. Sigh.

-my happiness with empadronamiento was short live as i face again another paperwork, prórroga, which should have been submitted 90 days before my TIE expired. My tie expired May 30 2025, so I'm already late. But it's just now i had my empadron. I may face a penalty on this with a hefty fine. God forbid. Another series of suffering. Oh well, i think i simply need to give up and rewire my brain of retiring with this thought: i love suffering, it is my favorite past time. 

27/10

...But before anything else, celebrate at my favorite coffee shop and have my usual cafe doble con leche y croissant deliciouso at Sampedro.

-hopefully everything goes well from now on. I hope the universe heard my plea and will take it easy on me 🙏 ❤️ 🥰 

27/10

-Finally, empadronamiento myself successfully. My first ever after a year. Now I'm officially registered living here in Spain. Now I'm off for my TIE card renewal. But before anything else. Cont

26/10

-watched Wizard of Oz 1939, indeed it is a very heart warming and magical movie. One of the best movies of all time.

-It's really getting cold here in Collado Villalba. It rained last night and the temp went down low to 2'C

-went for a walk as i feel too heavy. Had some sunshine and savored the sunset. I went emotional as i felt I was again, at my lowest of low. Jokingly asked the universe not to be so harsh with the challenges I've been given. as i am having a deficit in terms of almost everything: love life, financial, and stability. I cried and prayed that breakthrough is on its way especially about having a sense of home.

25/10

-jose luis didn't respond, i feel so low and i know how this pattern of a feeling. I know what i must do: walk

-had a morning walk to valdemayor while listening to newly released bjork cornucopia in Spotify 

-cont watching wicked

-it rained a lot and was damp cold. Feeling sad and lonely. I simply tuck into my blanket and cont listen to 1Q84 audiobook. 

-I kinda feel what the dowager feels when she no longer has anger, but only sadness when she has finally murdered (let go) the main culprit. Also it resonates in me, Aomame's waiting for years and years to only experience,  a glimpse of ephemeral romance.

24/10

-meet Joana Paola at the station as she came to Collado Villalba for the first time.

-she treated me in my favorite tapa place and we walk to dehesa and listen to TS while watching the cow having a love triangle affair. Crazy

-supposed to meet jose Luis as he doesn't have class after work, but i ran out of load and only have enough money left for bus fair. Plus he didn't respond so i don't feel motivated ti really see him. As if i have to give up. But my manifestation is almost there. Maybe this is just one of those challenges. I hope this is the final challenge.

23/10

-created Halloween deco and listen to wicked sound track. Remembered my folgaria moments, and as if i summoned them, Tamera relive the GC. But Jack didn't responded nor msge me directly. 

22/10

-my landlady is out of town and i have the place for myself, i usually do sex invites, but this time. I didn't.

-for some reason, the love intentions keep me grounded. Exchange some messages with Jose Luis and that's it. I even made him laugh on whatsapp. I felt he already made my day. 

-also Pablo messaged, but i am now leaning towards jose luis. I'm happy how one can really replace someone and i can clearly see who is for me and not for me.

-reread my posts 13 years ago, and i am amazed how my tenacity for finding love still haven't fade. But hopefully this time around i eventually come home.

-this reminds me of Russ message to chai about coming back home (of them being reconciled)

-attempted to blog again. It feels wobbly and like doing baby steps.

At least not with the aid of chatgpt. Going back to square one. I felt im redeeming and re acquainting myself.

21/10

-i vividly dream of high school. The giddy thrill of walking along the corridors. The love for books. Highschool crushes. Laughing hard. Cheese sticks (pastel de leche). I felt I was beginning again in terms of romantic excitement and intimacy.

-done waning moon ritual before the new moon. Let go of strong anchors that reminds of Pablo (the condom we used) burn it and splash it with dust of palo salto and done sei hei ki emblem to it as i flush it away.. with it are the strong emotions from my previous heartbreaks and limiting beliefs i had. May i restart anew.

-at 10:21pm new moon, done my romantic intentions 

20/10

-blessed to have a mother, on her 67th birthday today, that she is still beautiful and healthy. Who was able to maintain a family, though not perfect, but filled with care and love.

-pablo messaged me and he was clear that he is not into LTR. I felt broken hearted. I really like him.

-also got a potential first meeting with Jose Luis. But my landlady came in and he also encountered a problem. Well, it is what it is. Let's see where this goes. 

19/10

-just rest

-cleanse, detox and watch this video about how to deal with loneliness:

How to fall in love again by alain de botton.

https://youtu.be/9PXHx275Oa8?si=bandxBRXUKy2Nhz6

18/10

-meet up with jose barrios and had a morning sex.

-messaged Pablo but he doesn't reply. The anxious attachment syndrome in me is triggered. Got a pnp invite and went ahead and met these 4 top guys. It's like singing tove lo's song once again. It was already past midnight, and I'm glad i did, it was worth it. Two of them are so hot and bigdick. It was a total fantasy. I was hi@# af. Mefe&keta. First time. But still it's nothing compared to my subs of choice. But i felt so lucky to have these two hot men (1 handsome Spanish and 1 super sexy latino) banging me like in a p@#n. I am aware of my tendencies so after it, i just be compassionate to myself.

17/10

-this blows me away today. I needed this kind of reminder to practice.. practice practice every day:

https://youtu.be/hwCmWqH6cCE?si=tmym3bIYLoGYwvdO

-catch up with Chai and had our realizations from 20's, 30's now to our 40's. One message that has instilled in me with our conversation is the "necessity of waiting", just like the seasons for planting and harvesting a fruit.

-Rewatched perfume, the story of the murderer. Was reminded of my sexual obssesions, collecting guys to intercourse with but at the end, it was really to satisfy the craving of having someone to be with.

16/10

-watched icelandic folklore the damned. Felt so scared and troubled i have to rewatch asako 1 and 2

-felt sad about Pablo not replying but i felt i know to handle and reinforce myself with this kind of feeling.

-here comes the autumn winter rain-the more i miss the tropical breeze.

15/10

-when it rains, it pours. I had a dry season lately but finally i had 3 guys last night. 1st is pablo, the tall guy, and the cd lover. Again, if only i have a bf, i will be faithful. But while i am still single, and my hormones are still at it, then i will try to maximize it. 

-but for me, my ultimate is Pablo (pls see ref) messaged him but I'm too sleepy to wait for his response about us having a walk.

14/10

-finally meet pablo. The one I've been talking with, for a long time.. I was so frustrated last night and I'm glad this one compensates. I was able to practice my massage and reiki with him. And i got so horny with his sexiness. He is actually my kind of guy. He looks better in person. And he has a huge d###. We are also able to talk great. If only he doesn't have limited time, i wish I could spend more time with him. He is hairy, cuddly and i love his armpits. I hope and pray he likes me the same.

13/10

-"i am not a mistake. I am the dream, i am the fantasy." Fostering self acceptance, Mother melai in sparks camp 3.

-went again to alacala for my dental appointment. It's a long journey so i listened to 1Q84 on the train. Also simply love my scenery. I love the field near Pitis where one can see families of deer.

-i kept on thinking about p.james and minelvaguy. I realized they are one of my greatest orgasms. That's why these times i tried to duplicate the same feeling, the same level.. I was reminded of the IQ84 excerpt of gone in the wind. "Once you experienced something magnificent, try to be content with it"

12/10

-went to alcala henarez town fiesta. I was able to enjoy the crowd and the food stalls with Joana Paola. Then we went to Sol and had a disco with Darwin, a kapwa Pinoy. She is a CD and reminds me of Maxie Bella. We had a great time in a disco club manama. I got a few stares and smiles but they are either with a bf or friends.

I overspent and had a bad hangover.

It's one of those nights i say i don't wanna drink again.

09-11/10

-having sexual frustrations lately. I am so horny but i don't get to meet people for sex since 1, my place is not always available 2, Collado Villalba is such a small town. 3, i don't get along well with my meet ups and we either not a match or our personality clashes.

-it's a long weekend for me so i simply enjoy it by rewatching a movie: kimi no na wa. It is still giving me goosebumps and i really love the idea of misubi.. the intertwining of time. It will always be one of my favorites.

-had a great talk with Maxie Bella and how we process John Mengua's passing. We also reminisce what we've been through with him and how we commemorate his memory by cherishing his kindness and joy he emits. May God bless his soul.

08/10

-sent a video greeting for XinXin's 6th bday. My baby nephews and nieces are growing. 

-done major cleaning in the house as my landlady will be back tomorrow. I felt relaxed and realized i have this jealousy and nagging envy about people in a relationship. I mean i could rewire my limiting beliefs that being solitary is sad and lonely but i couldn't deny my heart's desire for a constant companion and feeling kilig once again.

07/10

-Meet said once again. This time he fucked me bb. I just really find him so handsome. I came as we made love intensely. I also love his smell. That kind of spanish arabian smell. I hope we can do this regularly

-was also supposed to meet the airport Uber guy. But sleep is my priority since i have an early class tomorrow. i love it when i choose myself more than others.

06/10

-first monday at my new school. Getting familiar with the kids and their characters. I have this wonderful energy but I feel drained? Of which i usually feel my dopamine depleted? Good thing they have free breakfast. At home, i felt lethargic. I guess it's normal? I should be fine.

-got this immense restlessness in the middle of the night. And as if I've been punched in my stomach. I guess its the upcoming aris full moon with it's intensity 

-found this fruit and vegetable market that sells familiar stuff: papaya, mango, okra and guava. Feels and tastes like home.

-watched s/s fashion shows and one collection i love is Sarah Burton's givenchy.

05/10

-recently, i don't usually feel good. It's not automatic that i am feeling fine, as if there is a cloak of dark, damp cold clothes shrouding me. It's an effort to feel myself. I have to walk, prepare hot mocha or cook good food. But i always end up kind of lonely and sad. 

-Rewatched Jones spike's Her. And thread along the loneliness in this modern age. But still, i remain hopeful 

04/10

-Rewatched the tiger, first was when it premiered. The notion of being devoured by the tiger coincides with murakami's IQ84 putting a tiger in your tank. 

I let the tiger. Devours me this time.

-earlier, rewatched ang lee's brokeback mountain. I feel it more this time. Cried specially with Michelle Williams portrayal of a jealous woman. I resonate with her pain. That pain that scarred me just last april with minelvaguy.

03/10

-heading back to alcala for my dental appointment. It's early morning on the train from Collado Villalba. Seeing the sunrise across the endless fields. It was a beautiful sight. Also, i have this unusual auto joy in my heart. It's not pre empt-ed. It's sitting inside with me. It's a surprise since i constantly have this anxiety ridden jolt, or loneliness pang inside. But now, i am smiling with peace.

-meet Joana Paola and noel. Went to el prado and simply talked and laughed. It's a wonderful pinoy bonding and got inspired with Noel's pareja de hecho and lovelife.

02/10

-felt at home more and more as my landlady is with her partner and im able to take care of balu and santi and the myself 

-felt wonderful after my interview at "you speak" language academy with Isabel. Was tasked bout if someone asked the  difference with past simple and past perfect. I'm so happy to come up with my drawing of a man on a boat with an anchor. Ang galing ko don. Even i, was amazed by myself. I hope i will get the job and it will be my step for legal residence. Ojala🙏

01/10

-first day at school, CEIP de Miguel Cervantes and I've already received so many hugs and gifts

-bless my room with cinnamon and salt to bring forth abundance and love

-also bring out my rose quartz, string of pearls and my intentional love writing in the open for the upcoming super moon to bless it.

another attempt

my first flight heading to Europe, going to Spain was a day after Chai's bday. in a way it is memorable because it is anchored in one of my totems.

i really haven't blogged about it but i have journaled and i have written accounts as detailed as i can get. but in  my kind of blogging, i distilled what really the essence of it all. like trying to distil and capture 1 small bottle of the essential oil of a field worth of roses.

but i know this would take some time and reminiscing. i also feel like i already shared my truths to one of those phone calls i have with Chai, Russ and Vera, and the remnants of this story is the breadcrumbs of what it suppose to be. still, let this be, an attempt.

first, it's simply not a bed of roses. i got so much trials and obstacles. then it all pays off with an apartment in the old town and a walking distance to the sea with an amazing landlady.

i work as an assistant teacher with the coolest coordinator (and like a best buddy), Ignacio. I was given the liberty to handle all classes as i want it to be so i put my best foot forward and make the class as if my own. Every class is like a performance art, with some dance and singing.  for the first time and a long while. i am shining like a rockstar. made good connections and remarkable experience with my students and co teachers.

meeting my fellow pinoy auxilaires in Andalusia and finding a pinoy community.

then comes my sexual rendezvous, a way to find potentials, in the hope of finding the one who could also provide me papers and permit to stay in this foreign land. but in fact it was rooted with the idea of finding a home away from home. but it was not yet meant for me. Lucas, Ruben, and T(Gibraltar Guy) expresses their interest for me to stay but i need more than that. something feasible and something tangible.

being scammed and being not able to find extra job not because of limiting beliefs but because, i have no authority to work. i settled for minimal tutoring classes and i surrender and simply enjoy nothingness in the solitary shores and idle watchtowers.

Christmas with Vera and her family in Norway then Summer in Italy.

Then now. for my 2nd year, i'm here in Madrid. 

again, let's see how this goes.

p.s.

i didn't use chatgpt and this was created in less than an hour (though this may need editing and elaboration) but still, i feel ever so happy.

an attempt

done some lots of readings from my blog post in the past. and i cannot help but miss my old actual writing voice.

i want to re capture my usual writing voice. that primordial voice i have when i write and later read, know and acquaint with myself. as if having that kind of familiarity with a one of best friends' way of talking or let's say, kanang dagan sa iyang pangutok bah or in english idiom pa: usual train of thoughts. 

to be honest, my previous blog post: Ghost House in Manilva: Where My Lovers Sleep

was "assisted with chatgpt". don't get me wrong, it's still my reality. the facts are 100% real, it's just the wordings and the capacity doesn't equate to me, it's giving 1000.98% more. there is no sense of authenticity. i need to present my real me. as honest as i could be. it's like having my entry to be edited for a publication of which in the first place, i have this blog intended for myself and to my friends who really knows me. 

i did it because part of me was curious and part of me is lazy, or rusted on how to write a formal blog. i need to be at it again. put my ingredients and had it cooked by an AI. it taste well but most of myself doesn't seem to digest it. it's like having an affair with an AI (ref film HER) that i cannot simply acquire and i felt fake no matter how too good to be true it can get. that i have to edit it again and again, edit not to improve it but to edit it in a way i have to downgrade it to becoming raw and flawed, a writing from a real human.

recently, or i must say, it's been ages since i wrote a decent blog post. most of my posts here are journals, a quick recap on my daily realities. but writing a blog is something that gnaws on me like a cat--- rubbing its paws for petting. and i want to revive this kind of blogging when i write it straight on blogger. no wordpad for auto corrections. just spill it straight.

so let's see how this goes.

09/2025

30/09

-woke up really well and practiced to get up and never get back to bed.

-done morning walk and get familiar with the route going to school 

-hike towards Parque La Dehesa. This time, I'm no longer homeless. Gosh, I've gone through a lot of tough times.

-done waterfall shivasana position with thich nhat Hahn's going home to the body guided meditation:

https://youtu.be/WzgJsLllDy4?si=dL_A4aOVncYItqhZ

I cried. overwhelmed with all the trials I've gone through and overcome.

-had my favorite pair of cafe doble con leche and croissant deliciouso in sampedro

-met this intern doctor near the church and supposedly just cuddled but we had sex. He looks like a rough version of Javier Bardem 

-update chicka with lyza and alex as they are settling in their town of assignments: murcia and Canary island

-felt exhausted and had a long nap

-watched and inspired with bea Padilla's karen davila interview and madonna with shetty:

"You're not the owner of the light, you are just managing the light"

"The worst things make out the best things in your life"

-what a great day to end the month of September 

29/09

-meet joana paola in henares as i get my remaining stuff. Dine at their balcony and had a wonderful catch up

-went back to Villalba and was welcomed by Esther and her daughters plus her Irish son in law. It was marvelous to be surrounded by English speaking peeps and i felt all my worries melted away (anxieties of being a new tenant co living with the owner) they even shared their wifi with me. Such a treat. I am so happy.

-watched Desert Heart (1985) and I was astounded with the screenplay. It is so smooth yet powerful. My fascination with lesbian movies is getting more intense.

-Back to back it with Yorgos' The favourite. I love how these slap to the face submissions speak so much volume in my current situation 

-i realized it's officially my 1st year here in Spain.

-done breathandflow sleep yoga for the first time in a long time. When was the last? In castel'azarra? Also my first time in my room here in Collado Villalba 

28/09

-rested and woke up well.

-msged uk chubuff guy but no response. i guess he is refraining from future hurt. He just let me know he is now at the airport heading back to the UK

-went back to madrid and head on the Esther's recommendation: CaixaForum. But before that i head to pum pum bakeshop for my usual coffee. I had my cappuccino with three shots. But i still end up dozing off with the art installation of sky watching. 

27/09

-chai's bday. Post her video of playing the rain drum. a bday and send off melody as I'm about to fly to Spain the day after. 

-meet this 27 year old arab guy (ref said.villalba) . Gosh he is so youthful and i love his manly scent. We made love in my room. And was able to suck all his cum, every drop of it. 

25-26/09

-i still found myself in lavapíes. It's a comfort place for me now. So i still eat in my favorite brasa gaucha grill for their 3 course lunch menu that includes steak and wine for only 18eur.

-went to the Prado museum. Aside from their usual collections, my top three would be Velasquez ' fragua de Vulcan with the guy 2nd to the right. the duke of Gandía with his leggings and already rotten wife and ultimately Goya's handsome and sexy model on the cross of which i kinda fell drawn to.

-i am able to grocery and just like Kiki (re watched: kiki's delivery service) all of my budget is diminishing away. But i was able to cook the meal that I wanted to and how I wanted it to be. The last time i felt this way was in Estepona. That was 3 months ago.

-i had the place to myself. Clean the house, water the plants and take care of my new two cat housemates, balu and santi. I felt peace and at home.

-went to las rosas and talked with jazel Kristen while on the phone. We are so engrossed with our chika that I missed my bus and got lost but managed and met this morboso guy who came inside me 3 times. He is huge and he eat my ass even after he fucked me. He is good. 

24/09

-last day in the hostel. Will be leaving Centro madrid for a while and go further north to Collado Villalba.

-slept well, dreamt episodes and woke up somewhere on the right side of the bed.

-went to my favorite coffee shop, pum pum bakeshop.

-had lunch with uk buff guy at Brasa Gaucha Grill Madrid. Nice outdoor sunny setting. Good value for the money food. And good conversation. It was lovely. 

Just found out his real name, Nic. I wish he could stay here in Madrid a bit longer. But he is going back to England this Sunday and then spending a year in Australia. He is half Romanian (or austrian) i jokingly he is like harry Potter, a half mogul. He laughed. Walked him to his Airbnb and have to set foot towards my new place in Collado Villalba. I grew fond of him but i guess that's all there is to it. 

-next chapter awaits.

23/09

-everything will be and should be fine. I keep on reminding myself. There's so much major shift specially with my housing in Collado Villalba but as always i am not in the position to complain. I will simply trust the universe and myself that i can go along with whatever changes presented to me.

-Feeling attached with uk chubuff guy. I thought we were going to see each other tonight but he had other plans. My sex addiction flaired up to mask the loneliness. Tried to bang with this hot latino guy in the shower room, who i thought was cruising because he strut nakedly outside the curtains of the shower room, but he ends up a homophobe and i almost get into trouble. Well at least i tried. 

22/09

-shocked with the temperature drop. From 40c yesterday afternoon to 8c this morning. I was shivering to death.

-goodbye summer and bello cold cold Autumn.

-meet Slobi, an upcoming aux who's also looking for a place in Collado Villalba. Had coffee and spent some time with him in retiro. We had a wonderful talk.

-meet uk chubuff guy once again and we had dinner and movie night in his airbnb. Was kind of saddened to know that he only has until Sunday here in madrid and he is moving to Australia. We had sex twice. Before dinner and after our 1st movie. We slept after our 2nd movie. It was a homey kind of bonding. 

21/09

-tried pnp after a long long time (after almost a year) with the chem of my preference. I just need it after so much stress about place hunting.

-got so much horny and i have wonderful sex specially this chubuff guy from the UK (see ref). We have sex and cuddle for hours.

-when it rains, it pours. Had one of my best sex with this hung guy from lavapies (ref lavapies dude). Felt a great connection with him as well. Hope to be his regular fuckbuddy here in Madrid 

-was inspired by Jessica sanchez. Simon reminds us that we can give up but we can keep on. Timing is everything.

-able to found and reserved a room in Collado Villalba. Met esther and her partner. I'm quite uncomfortable with the idea that i will be living with the owner. But what can I do. I'm running out of options, resources and time. I will simply submit and trust that i will be fine.

20/09

-im feeling the vibes of Madrid. It makes me feel like im on 20's again. With madonna confession on the dance floor on my earbuds. The road is my walkalator.

-walk back to retiro and have this awesome cruising with a french guy in the middle of a busy day. Swallowed his cum and he kissed me thanks afterwards. That was fun.

19/09

-visited el Retiro for the first time. I had my ears for the classical opera playlist. Most of the tracks are introduced by Russ ages ago, but it's just now that its hitting on me. I mean, i am in the middle of it all: Europe. 

And what better way to really immerse and feel it when I'm here mismo.

18/09

-started my new day felt regenerated. I am on my elements again. In the midst of this uncertainties and difficulties, my heart knows peace and how to retrieve it back.

-walk around the bellies of Madrid. The beauty and the ugly. And came across this bakeshop that i thought a hangover's pitstop. And i was mesmerized by their pastries, reminds me of turkish delights! Fresh and delectable even early in the morning. The place is quiant with oh i just woke up kind of vibes but once you had your pair of cappuccino and pistachio croissant, my innards are definitely fully wide awake.

-met joana paula and we dine en plaza mayor with an ongoing fashion show. My first time to reserve a table and first time to witness an intl fashion show ever! It's Carolina Herrera, although i wish its Alexander mcqueen or commes de garcons or maison margella but the show was totally marvelous.

17/09

-slept all day/night long

15-16/09

-i almost got robbed by this moroccan while i was eating along the park waterways in Collado Villalba. It's weird but instead of getting panicky i invited him to eat with me. And he was beyond grateful that he hugged and kissed me on the neck. Good thing he is handsome. i feel merciful towards him and i felt the reasons behind my self-pity is nothing compared to his situation. He definitely has to succumb to doing things because of his difficulties.

-my apartment hunt didn't go well and i can't go on without proper sleep so i went to Levapies and slept in a hostel.

14/09

-officially in Madrid. Started with a hot 28 year old hung arabian as we did it in terminal 1 CR. That was intense and hot. Now im ready to start my new chapter 🥵😅🤤

-reunite with Joana Paula (london school co tutor) in her town at alcala de henares. Coffee and walk along the old streets

-tried to figure out madrid railways and its confusing connections

-almost had a heart attack when i thought i rode the wrong train going to Léon. Good thing it stopped in Collado Villalba 

-my house hunting got postponed tomorrow, so i end up nowhere to stay

-didn't opt for hotels but i splurged on food. And went kafka-esque at their nature reserve park. Unknowingly the freezing cold won't allow me to sleep. It feels like a purple liquid ice freezing me to death. So i explore collado Villalba in the wee hours past midnight 

13/09

-last day in Milan and first day in Madrid.

-reminisce about the things i've gone through this summer in Italy and now felt a kind of steering for whatever waits for me in Madrid.

-said my goodbyes and thank yous to the zurzulo family RAfaele, Anna, Leticia, Davide and Simone. They are very sweet and i am very grateful for hosting me.

10-12/09

-as always, it feels ecstatic after the final show. This week also a blur and strangely felt tired and not so thrilled. My creative juices are dwindling but i guess I made a decent presentation. This is my last summer camp and i can do just as much. I badly need a break.

-rewatched ponyo with Simone. And went for gelato with him. There is so much joy in their hearts.

-received so many hugs and i felt empowered by my young students in Arcadia Feraboli.

-shed a lot of baggages. From 20 kilos to 7. I guess i really need to let go of my 10+ year old clothes and memorabilia.  

-Time to create new memories.

09/09

-watched spirited away with Davide. It reminds me of my childhood courage. 

-have a hard time sleeping. My Italian honeymoon for more than 3 months is about to end. Now i have to prepare for my new journey in Spain. All of a sudden i felt so much whirring inside me for my upcoming new life in Madrid this autumn.

07-08/09

-my host family doesn't go out as much as my other host family so i took the initiative to take out the kids to the nearby ruins (farms) and some adventures on the field

-saw the lunar eclipse with the kids, davide and simone

-went to the mother theresa chapel, it's one of the quietest place I've been to.

-Simply rest

06/09

-bond with Pitiglianhoes as we end our summer camp in the area. Later chika over coffee and gelato at a quaint paticeria with karl and olivia. 

-had a quick stop at Florence and simply got lost on the tracks as my train was delayed

-back in Milan after 3 months here in Italy

05/09

-i had my usual post presentation high. I really had a wonderful show about the legend of Castell'azarra and i received so much love from my kids.

-had a pizza party in la rossa dei venti from the families of my students.

-meet baby Shayn, the mother of Ariah who is a Filipina. She married an Italian. she told me her story and how she managed to be in Italy for 10 years. We really had a wonderful talk and i got inspired by her. She also brought me Filipino food. Lucky me pancit canton, Argentina corned beef and spam. Rice and mega sardines. I was teary eyed with joy. May God bless her and her family for this wonderful gift since i was craving for filipino food all these times 😅🤤

03-04/09

-following the resurgence of the stars, sent a follow request to Jack.

-i am compelled to say this, that before i usually stay in one place for 5 years and have a vacation once in a while. So every vacation is fully celebrated.

Now I feel like I'm on vacation in different places and different people, all the time. Instead of being celebratory, i felt solitary. So i miss having a stable permanent place. A constant home and a constant companion.

-now i just found out that i am a fan of lesbian films.. before i got weirded off with women following the BL series. Now i understand the fascination. I just love the vanilla slow burn king of love in contrast to my usual straight to the point sexually charged hunting.

-i am wanting to watch and finish a film 

But i always have little time after dinner. So this short YouTube video came across my feeds and this made me cry:

https://youtu.be/c-5Quo5Q3eI?si=pfwIMscuCK3sJsnk

02/09

-walk to the cemetery of castell'azarra and be reminded about how precious my remaining days are. Dedicated a song mio babino carro in exchange for a wish: to find my true love and spend many years together with peace, love and happiness.

01/09

-i thought i have blurred eyes when i enter my room here in castel'azarra, but it's actually fog creeping in.

-had my first day on my 8th week summer camp and they are relatively small but adorable 

-phone call with kaye, olivia and Karl and we rummage for today's work. I still can't go over with diamond's eccentric persona specially with her wearing shades in the middle of the night, so olivia and kaye were right, she has a world of her own. 

-also talk about this Neil, who all of a sudden messaged me in WhatsApp. Asked Olivia why he asked my number from her, she said he had a crush on me. Let's see how this goes 

08/2025

31/08

-im being hosted by the Capelli family in castel'azarra

-went for a hike going to the grotta. And walk along the quaint little town on top of the mountain 

-had lunch with cristina and her family. Beautiful meal with a beautiful garden. Wonderful talk as well with her grandma aged 93 years old. With her mom doing the cooking, I've never eaten so much for a long time. Done research about the Aldobrandeschi brothers for my skit this coming Friday. As i want something different this time, i want to veer away from the usual canned Disney plots so i really hope this will recover the town's history and they can connect to it.

-went to sarrabani town fiesta with cristina, giulia and Claudia with their family.. my students family this coming week. A wonderful way to connect with them. I was treated with good food and drinks and how fun this little town can be (puppet show, games, dances, and tambola a kind of bingo game) i am close to winning 500 euros! What a weekend to start my 8th week for this summer camp here in Italy.

30/08

-went to a bday party by the farm with the Chini family. It's Ilaria's father's bday. With her side. Me and Thomas talk about the farm that came into and how it can lead to agri-gastronomical tourism. It gave me an idea for my future hostel and the community i can build in bantayan island.

-send off by the Chini's and got really touched by their awesome hospitality and warmth. Got emotional on the train.

-meet Olivia and mhenard going to Bologna. Talked about the camp and the need for group insurance.

-dinner with the camp counselors in Pitigliano. Had a steak and a wine. A wonderful convo with kaye (fellow Filipina) and the other gang. Just wonderful 

29/08

-Finally had our final presentation and it went really well. I had it as: finding happiness, Tinkerbell's search for the real meaning of happiness.

Mattia my director was my Tinkerbell and he is really good. My first time to promote inclusivity in the production. And my whole cast was marvelous. Me and my co tutors, volunteers and andrea went for a drink and we were ecstatic.

-me and my host family went to the lake and found this huge sculpture made of some sort of drift woods.

-had a hard time sleeping. I'm having this so much oxytocin release of how amazing my life has been and i am glad i didn't really slave myself to the corporate world as it is not really the life for me. Life is so good.

28/08

-michelle and her host family came over the house and we had dinner at the house. Nice food and overflowing prosecco. I wonder how much prosecco I have had since i came here in Italy. 

As always we had this wonderful conversation and a really nice connection. Fun

27/08

-had a walk to the due lagi.. finally some "me" time. No hooking up with someone but at least I'm with myself. 

-had my spontaneous gift for Ilaria with her sons, Nicolas and the youngest, Alessio. Ilaria then showed their family album. Found out that their house was purchased/renovated (while giving birth to Alessio) in 2018 , i laughed at myself, as that year, i am just fixing myself.

24-26/08

-attended festa de volta (feast of the vault) and able to experience the best of traditional Cordero's food and spirits. First time to experience deer meat, garapa and pampalalino (the version of extreme sambuca) I was so drunk and had so much fun. Imagine having hardcore culture and gastronomic adventures

-went hiking in san bernardo with the Chini family and also had a free grunge concert with Thomas and his friends. Really cool people. 

-meet Michelle, another camp counselor for a different town. She is from California. Her big sunny character reminds me of ms Jiggy. 

I realized, based on my experiences, Californians and New Yorkers have these main character syndromes. But I'm always fond of them.

Although i prefer those from other states, they are simply more grounded and humble.

-surprisingly, i am enjoying my new colleagues in the city camp. They are so much fun to work with.

-find our coordinator, Andrea adorable. He treated me a coffee, casually held his hand and hugged him. I can't help feeling kilig for sure. But i know this is just another fleeting moment.. sighers..

23/08

-meet mariano, Giada's cousin, who has written the account of castel Balezi. Had a one on one talk with him and marvel the history of the castle, the German family who once owned it alongside with the political and geographical landscape from 1700s to present 

-catch up with chai. Her new found friend, sid lucero. And me with the community i get along with.

-sebastian's bday. Dinner with Giada, Francisco, seba and Martin. Got a tight hug from them. 

-was supposed to meet Giacomo but our sched is not in favor of us. He left a voice message with his usual British accent encouraging me to go to these places: 

San romedeo sanctuary 

Valdenona

Thun castle

-arrived in Taio and met the Chini family. Thomas and Ilaria with their children. 

-Festa di Voilta/vault in Coredo

Tried deer meat for the first time. Strudel and pampolino. Crazy first night.

21-22/08

-this summer city camp was a blur. So much happening and our camp director wasn't easy to deal with. Hopefully, we can manage a good presentation.

--immerse into the real culture here in campodenno which is really about farm life. Trekking to the mountains and lakes. Simple gatherings during birthdays. The quiet but full of action kind of life makes me at ease.

-i still can't get over with the beauty of Italy. It really feels right.

20/08

-finally meet giacomo. He is a huge (6'2) handsome chubby guy. We had sex by the apple trees. We drove around after sex. We had a good conversation while passing castles, grape vineyards, and whimsical mountains. I had a great time with him and his English is very British. Ahaha he is funny as well 😅 

19/08

-went inside basilva castle and went into a different dimension of events and art exhibitions

18/08

-day dreaming of Jack is like guided meditation for what it feels like for home.

-as always, i still want some physical intimacy. Been writing this Italian guy named Giacomo.

-great first day with kate even if simon wasn't able to make it due to an accident.

-met Davide. He is tall, handsome and balding. But he is still cute. But i guess he is straight 😅

-went for a walk. All alone. Finally some "me" time.

16-17/08

-there's so much going on, been processing things while new things coming along

-travel from rome to Verona then to Mezzocorona then to Campodenno 

-meet my new host family: Giada, Francisco, Sebastian and Martin 

-went hiking to a lake around an hour drive from campodenno 

14-15/08

Roam around rome

Finally visited the basilica and saw the pope for the 1st time 

..Expound ..

-met this couple, the other one is hot and my type but they got some issues with his partner. I end up with the one with a huge dick.

13/08

-got emotional with my leaving. It's been a month on the farm, and i was amazed how i am able to survive and appreciate it. Even if it's not on the subscription, it's more than i expected it to be. It's one of the most amazing learning experiences I've had.

-arrived in rome

-i had so much energy i was able to reach the following renowned archeological sites:

*Basilica magorie

*Colosseum 

*Temple of ceasar

*Pantheon

*Spanish steps

-met this guy who happened to be a DJ. He is high. He wanted me to smoke with him but said no.

12/08

-my first and last yoga. It's with Liz, a British yogi teacher who got her learnings from India. 

*Shivasana grounding meditation (30 mins)

*Sun Salutations 30

*Tree pose, tree hug

*Yoga Block works

*Gratitude meditation 

It's one of the best sessions I've ever had especially since my companions have to go in the middle, so i had one on one sessions with her until the end. As a token of gratitude, I gave her my signature body works.

-during my gratitude meditation, the scenes from staying in "Italy farm stay" splash through me. The laughters, My learnings, and the people around me. Thank you so much 

11/08

-had a great massage from Michael, the greek resident masseur.

-having the best meal, the best stay, i just cannot complain. Even if i lost 25 eur over unusable tickets (mercury retrograde emails from Gordana) but it's all nothing compared to all the savings and experiences I've been through.

-Went to Sora old town. It's one of those random walks that you decide not to bring your cellphone. I was amazed with the beauty of the old streets, houses by the cliff and the church by the mountains. There's also a chapel up there that is used for cruising since i see a lot of used condoms. It is true, in Italy, anyone can have sex anywhere.

-felt renewed. Feeling ready for my trip to Rome.

10/08

-lazy Sunday. 

-binge watch white lotus s3

-excited for verona, denno and Pitigliano as i will be assigned there this upcoming city camps

09/08

-done with the white lotus season 2. Loved it. It's especially shot here in Italy 

-went to sora old town and went up to the chiesa di santa maria delle grazia

-simply reminisce what I've been through this 1 month here in Sora since it's my final week.

-went to the museum and library and simply let my mind wander

-full moon, do moonlight bathing. Saw a shooting star and wished for Jack

08/08

-finally had a massage. It's been ages since i got it before I left the Philippines. I got it from rafa, the Brazilian volunteer. I feel renewed. 

07/08

-today is kinda uneventful. Although i have Gibraltarguy and ruben messaging me about how they miss me, I wish, it was jack.

-i really find signora's son really handsome, and the way he looks at me makes me conscious. But that's all there is to it. We haven't really conversed or anything. It's my last day doing the gardening before I leave for Verona next week, i am happy with my work. Oh well, i guess that's all there is to it.

06/08

-i felt everyday is an answered prayer. I remember i want to work in a different place every 6 months to travel. Now i am doing 6 different jobs in 3 months while traveling, making new friends, having good food and learning new things. Life is really full of wonder.

-i hope my next answered prayer will be: to live with the love of my life.

-3rd gardening session at Antonello's neighbor. Signora's son, is so handsome. I get conscious everytime he comes near. I like the way our eyes sparkle when we look at each other. Oh well, i will keep on waiting and hoping for the one..

-sat outside the orchard's clearing while i write my 2 day worth of journal. While basking on a bright moon. It's gonna be a full moon 3 days from now.

-since the "love meditation", i am thinking of Jack less and less. I don't know. Maybe i already offered my love for him to the universe and simply be the "love" i can be.

05/08

-massage Michael, one of the resident masseur in exchange for a massage treatment. I am glad he loves my technique.

-went to lago di posta fibreno for the 2nd time and finally had a swim in the cold freezing lake. Good thing the sun is so bright and warm. Had a joy ride with stefano's batman bmw car with paula, sarah, giulia and her pet, Vicky 

-went back to the gelato pasticirea siciliano. I Felt i went full circle, this time i am much grounded and secure. Thank you so much universe, I am now ready for my upcoming next adventure in Verona.

03-04/08

-having vivid dreams lately:

Of the old tower, the old clock. Catching an ancient flow of time, literally with hands of a leaf in a water flowing with the dial of an ancient wooden clock 

-of Julio showing me a viral video of 3 pop girls, which one is es em, my classmate in fine arts, i felt the love and kilig as we are still together

-done my first massage and reiki to Paula.

-done my first tantric yoga with astrid, my french colleague and rafa from brazil under Ana's guidance 

-i got so horny on the night after the tantric yoga and meditation. Now i understand why some participants engaged with sex after.

*Shiva shakti 

Shiva (masculine, awareness, vessel, death)

Shakti (feminine, creation, chaos)

02/08

-able to complete my Reiki certification. Now i feel legit and more capable

-watched a ghost story, the main character reminds me of Jack. And i resonate with ronie mara. I love the scene where she ate the whole pie while grieving. it kinda punched me in the stomach with sadness so i went for a walk to the mountain town of pescosolido

-watch sora town below me

-have a nice walk in the mountains under the bright moon

01/08

-continue with reiki sessions and this time we went into application: grounding, self application and to others. Cannot help but get emotional when I have mine since there are still traces of my hurt from manilvaguy. I'm relieved to have it released for complete healing.

-i have so many flashbacks and was able to appreciate what I've been through in Estepona and here in Italy. They are now sinking in and appreciate the beauty of it.

-JACK messaged me!!! I've been praying for it for so long and now it happened. I'm so happy! even if it's work related but he remembered me and hopefully he will sense how I've been praying and sending him love.

-earn extra 40 eur for gardening. I am so happy. 

-the meal from Paula was so good

-had my first fire ceremony:

It's been a while since i had a bonfire. The flame is so beautiful underneath a start filled sky. Plus the moon is half, as if showing a yin yang in the sky.

 *The history of the fire (the spirit of the fire is always alive)

 *There is no teacher but a catalyst 

  *Two sticks, one for death and one for life (death is something you wanna let go. And life is something you wanna live out) whisper and exhale through it, and offer it to the flame.

-antonello is really spiritually deep and ana's mantra and singing voice is healing.. then i let clemence do the drums since she is a musician, and i offer a fire dance offering.