Before I decide to go on a research deep dive what is Jetpack and is everyone using it?

I can’t even comment on blogposts in the app anymore?

Ugh..

I don’t hate it here also processing what I said yesterday I’m going to talk to my therapist about the whole abuser talk, how I’m using it and how I reference it to the man in my life.

Because I would not call Charles an abuser now. Does that make sense?

Okay it’s been a day looking forward to reading about this jetpack app and if I will only WordPress using other devices if jet pack is truly necessary

Well cancer caught your girl’s ass

Ugh it was a female type and they scooped out all the female organs inside and stitched me up all proper.

I had two really cool IT jobs and resigned from them both

I’m back at home

I know… again

It’s been 6 months and I’m finally starting to feel like myself

Starting uni next spring unless I get my Microsoft internship

I am still moving and shaking just at a slower pace which is frustrating and okayish

Charles and I are still together working on so many things

2 kids moved out and 2 at home

I also had a huge thought well a couple (I mean I am still me 🤣🤣) because I haven’t been in this blogspbere forever because geesh life goes by so fast

But to my new people coming into betrayal here are a few tips coming from a struggling vet of almost 15 yrs I think?? I should know but it’s been a long time okay 🤣🤣also liars be lying and from what I gather from many stories timelines are usually multiple with cheaters

Okay back to the tips

1. This is your own journey and it can be so fucking lonely.. because no one can feel the way you do, no one has been in your specific situation before.

Let me explain. Because those fucking gaslighter infidelity help people can say oh this is common or you are not the only one. Do not let them or anyone minimize your story. It’s yours alone. Sure similarities but uniquely different. That’s my take on that

While the journey isn’t what I hoped my marriage would be or who even I am.. I mean I cannot tell you how much I hoped for Charles to just fade away in whatever capacity that might look like. I have met an amazing group here. Find your people because there is so much junk out on the webs to tell you this or that. And they make money telling you how to live your life just be cautious.

2. Never let anyone encourage you to leave your spouse no matter how angry you are🤣🤣 oh goodness there was a time I would get comments to just leave Charles if I hated him so much. And I did hate him and I still can harness that energy if I wanted to but I digress. But either I didn’t want to leave, didn’t have the resources, just did not know exactly what I wanted to do and just did not want to blow up my whole life more than it already was 🤣🤣 which it was pretty bad

But no one gets to influence that choice as much as you.

3. For me, I am being comforted by my abuser/traumatizer when staying in this marriage. He changed me by the choices he made and her too. But she’s gone and I hope every soda she spills every minor inconvenience in her life that happens to her that she knows I continue to root for that to happen. Every year that I am alive I think about that and smile.

Anyways back to the abuser so yeah if you want to forgive your spouse go on ahead there isn’t any judgement on my part. However if you can’t right away and you are just so angry that you want to set your whole life on fire I get that and will never minimize that. But to force any date nights or rekindle any kind of relationship on someone who was actively being abused by someone? I’m not on that side of living with infidelity in a marriage.

In fact I hope you tell that SOB abuser every part of your soul on fire and let them have all of it

I don’t think enough of us are praised for sleeping, parenting, and just living life with our abusers and still live a life for ourselves with or without them.

I think at least when this all came down for me no one called Charles for what he is an abuser, a traumatizer and wanted me to forgive and move on. Even the term Wayward spouse, cheater just does not do justice what they have inflicted on their partners.

I will always call a cheater an abuser hands down. Call it what it is.. we don’t need any other name

Anyways all that to say

It’s a bummer so many of us are in this boat. However there is life after the major scam called infidelity.

I’m proof of it I’m still with my abuser and it’s been a whirlwind for sure. He doesn’t play the same cards he used to play with me anymore and I’ve even said I love you to him more than once.

He says he’s changed but whatever I just focus on how I’m being treated and lately so far so good.

Things are very neutral and that’s alright by me.

Till Next Time

So much love

NH

Has it really been a year and a couple of months?

I guess so timestamps don’t always lie 🤣🤣🤣

Well updates I’m still with him

Both of us are in individual therapy and marriage therapy it’s been a year

My therapist recently said the husband and I are together 🤣 which I cringe about even though we are

Always with the commitment issues but I’m not hating on myself just a fact

Kids are doing well in school and #1 is in their early twenties how the hell did that happen🤣🤣🤣

Also #2 is graduating and wow again how is this happening?

Also a graduating senior not during Covid is expensive however #2 & #3 are both in high school now and are also expensive 🤣🤣

It’s been 11 years next April since DD and 12 since the butt touching and 13 when the man full heartedly became a backstabber

I got a new job Dec 2024 and I love it. Absolutely positively I’m growing with this company learning so many aspects of IT. My colleagues are phenomenal.

I’ve been with them a year

The budget is getting back on track still in debt but now that I’m in control of the finances a lot of great things are happening.

Hopefully by the end of the year but I’m okay if it takes longer

I’ve applied to a couple of schools and going back hopefully beginning next spring or fall

Possibly beginning of next year who knows

But all small steps

As with the husband things are looking up

I have no idea what the future holds but I don’t hate him much at all but I also don’t think about it trying to be the healthiest version of me is what I’m looking for and if Charles is along for the ride so be it

Christmas shopping hasn’t happened yet so that’s a lot of pressure

But aside from just an update

I’m pretty happy

Here in this family and with myself

I have amazing friends and an awesome family

This roller coaster of a marriage still continues

However lately it hasn’t been terrifying I’m not enjoying the ride because I hate rollercoasters but maybe one day I’ll come up with a better analogy for this marriage

Lots of love to all of you

Happy Holidays if I’m not back till next year

I know I’m a bad ass but sometimes

Well let’s not play this whole dam marriage I put my self esteem on sale for this man

Soooo… things aren’t going well we did see a counselor to try and communicate with a mediator of sorts because well…

Our home, how we cannot afford two places to live right now.. how the kiddos love their school district

But us… he’s intense and the less I love him the more he ages and just looks so sad

Don’t get me wrong but that adage where he was special to me and then he just wasn’t he’s a dime a dozen man.. gender norms, protects himself before our family but would definitely say he doesn’t do that

I miss my ignorance when this all went down in AK… I could stomach him and he wasn’t such a sick.. but here back in KS

It’s so prevalent he doesn’t like me and he could never love me.. how could a man who can’t stomach himself give me anything?

I just wish he could.. like if he chose me decided to not be a prick and love me the way I deserve

Pick me.. my poor heart wants that so bad

Then I remember he never will it’s no use saying anything anymore to him

And it’s for the best I suppose

I just want this to not be so hard..

My new life of an entry level job is lame and driving 20-30min for a job that barely pays has been grating on me but he doesn’t care..

I hope it always won’t be like this but lately I’m sad.. the transition is hard

School started this week and my AS in IT is on the horizon, plus my certifications, plus my experience I hope to get back my life

To pay for my own way and never need him

Yeah that would be pretty nice…

A month of separation

I tell my coworkers I’m separated

I’m getting used to it

Charles acts like he hasn’t been in a relationship for 23 years to me

How easily this man gives up

I will surpass him and I can’t wait until the day I don’t have to see him on a daily basis

I thought maybe we could be friends with benefits

Forge this new path together but he feels differently

We can learn to be friends

But just like loving me when married even a friendship is too much for this man when regarding me

I feel for him because he will regret this and I’m not going to miss him one bit

I cry for how he never loved me and how I made myself small hoping he would love me love our family

How I begged for his attention how I wanted him above any other

Foolish girl I want to say but I’ve grown so much because of his darkness and I am freeing myself from him

I feel lighter

It’s happening people..

I told him I no longer wanted to be married

We are staying for the kids, debt, and that we cannot afford two rents right now

I worry I will die before I’m done with him and there isn’t a custody dispute

But am excited about the future

I’ve been through many feelings and from coming to not wanting to hate him to wishing and praying he would die, to apathy, to this..

I don’t know what to say but your girl over here just has many steps I guess 🤣🤣🤣

Here’s to me

Happy Sat everyone

Love NH

Going to school taking care of the kids

Meal planning, budgeting but not in a tired defeated way.. at least not now but just a weary

I’m happy it seems as if I’m starting over and taking the reigns of so much of my life

I’m figuring out a plan to work out more and live life to the fullest!

I feel like I’m clawing my way out of really good dirt earthy and easily moved but I’m like in it above my head and just clawing out

Clawing for movement and to get out of where I was..

I miss my Dad a lot and am working on honoring him through my actions through how I treat the kids and my life

To love myself harder

And to know if there comes a choice between my happiness or Charles it has to be me

No excuses.. no saying to myself but it might get better

I have to make the better for my amazing self and these amazing kids

So I’m graduating from Technical school and got a job!

That’s right how many times have I said I got a job or am looking for one or what have you..

Anyways on my way up and out

I recently broke it to the husband about how I feel he’s emotionally abusive and we’ve been pretty separated ever since

I need to put together some business casual clothes and am excited to start my journey to becoming financially independent again

I found a trauma therapist and am seeing them

I’m working towards more certifications and hoping to finish my AS next summer

by then hoping to find another job to work at or work at the university to pay for my BS LOL just cracks me up about the BS abbreviation

My Dad’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I miss him.. I miss him a lot but also don’t miss feeling like a failing caregiver although the regret from that is tough

I think my marriage will dissolve along the timeline I’m wanting or maybe even sooner depending on how much money I’m making but I’m taking it day by day I start in a few weeks

I feel like I’m clawing my way back to me.. in the dirt and it’s tiresome but in the best way possible

I love you all and hope you are doing well and to those who are not I hope peace for you and to know you are worthy of respect and kindness always

❤️NH

On a random Tues

Viewing was held and I found him.

Terrible thing is we weren’t getting along before he passed

I should have seen that as a sign maybe he wasn’t doing too well

I had been stressed in school and I always felt like I was failing him

Caregiving isn’t my strongest trait

I miss him so much I want to go with him..

This life has been hard and then this marriage but oh my babies how I love them

Charles and I got into it once again. He continues to just be a partner who says things but does not back up what they say.. actions are so much more to me and I told him my plan of my 10 yr divorce

Suppose that is a long time but you know I can’t just blow up my life because I am not in love with Charles and he continues to show his ass

Also to note he has told me he’s not in love with me either so it’s a mutual thing

But 10 years the children will be out of school because in the US it does matter where your kiddos go to school and districts and so forth

Resumes are hopefully going to be done tonight because you know a job will get me started towards financial independence and move the career ladder.

I miss my Dad so much.. I didn’t think I would but I do..

88 years old I truly thought he would make 100

I always thought that if I left Charles my Dad would be around I regret not leaving him in 2005 but I don’t regret these babies

Gosh I love them and can you believe Squish is 9?

My youngest almost double digits??

10 yrs will go by so fast.

It’s been almost 10 yrs before the year of DDay in 2014 and it does and doesn’t feel that long ago

Also Bob if you still read this the boy has been bringing up your kiddo and it still breaks my heart what our ridiculous spouses took from our kids

Happy Holidays everyone ❤️💯

Well both of us are again

Crazy we both are studying Information Tech

He’s going to be gone for 3 weeks

And I’m not sad just trying to get our family organized to survive without him

Looking into a facility for my Dad I just need to live my own life and he his

He’s not my responsibility and he can find his own way with a little help

Just figuring out where to put him

Pretty sure in WA might be his best bet or maybe here I’m not sure

But next year I graduate and I am currently looking for a job in cybersecurity

And I have to swim and not have him weighing me down the kids are a lot as is and I have to become financially independent. Currently in therapy to figure out boundaries with Charles and if a marriage out of convenience is something I’m willing to continue to do while I get back on my feet

School has been neat to work with others and look into a plan for my life. Charles still had many excuses but the man is depressed and truly isn’t willing to work on our relationship the way I think we need to. But who’s right or wrong in that aspect? Hopefully therapy will help me make sure not if I’m making the right decision because right now the plan is to leave him.

But I’m not interested in changing lifestyles until I can afford to help and I would like Charles and I to pay off our debt together and make a good split if we do. And my resentments towards him I just want to air out because he doesn’t hear me at least I don’t think he does.

Anyways things are okay. I’m excited to take on a new career and help the kiddos find their way in life as well

Found a therapist that seems will work out so excited about that and I’m looking forward to moving my Dad out and finding my piece while Charles is gone