Disintegration, Turnover (02:53)

There is a huge contrast in my moods and emotions when I’m with and without you. I used to always look forward to seeing you every week, rush through all my work and study for tests just because I know that I’ll be able to spend time with you. I had a busy schedule but I could make time for people and school. It seemed so surreal but I believed that it was possible, and it sure was. Upon looking back, my days last year had been one of the best that I can remember. I’ve never felt so motivated before and I really miss that – I really miss you too.

I know that we’re all busy but I really wished that you’d communicate with me more often. You were slowly slipping away and I could sense it. It was tiring trying to make things work out with you not even noticing the effort. I got the hint but I was uncertain if you were even hinting. It feels like the most subtle parting that gradually tears you apart(in which I am partly to blame because I chose not to be confrontational).

Like Slow Disappearing, Turnover (03:02)

I don’t understand why you do what you do. What good does it bring you to entertain yourself drowning ’till you drop and wake up on the hospital bed? Please stop drinking, it’ll ruin your liver just like how it ruined our relationship.

Humming, Turnover (03:38)

I’ve been trying to find other ways for motivation. I’ve been meeting new people, going out to gigs and enjoying live music. I enjoy doing all of those but it doesn’t help me with school. I’m not letting myself fall down again. I’m glad to meet new people but I may just lack that sense of belonging.

Hey, thanks for sticking around this page and bigger thanks to even check it out. I don’t really know what to do about myself. I don’t really know what I want, I don’t know what I deserve.

http://goo.gl/kFPX4H

I’d like to just say that whatever is written by me on the social media is just unreliable. The only reliable source is my journal and I hope that someone finds it when I’m gone. However, it is entirely your choice to want to believe whatever you read here. My language isn’t that great and it is nothing compared to other sixteen year old humans.

Foals, Balloons(12:51)

The following night is prom and I’m not attending it. I don’t see a problem with that and if you know me, well I don’t usually obey societal norms. Don’t mind me if I annoy you that way. I do not really have a particular reason for not going to prom and I don’t think that I will regret it or anything. I guess it was hard to actually come up with a reason to that when I was asked why. I wasn’t lying or anything and so I guess they were partially the reasons for not going to prom.

Russian Red, Everyday Everynight(12:59)

I am having a really bad cold right now and I am in mild agitation every second ever since I have had the cold. I’m currently reading The Beautiful and Damned by Fitzgerald. I have also just finished Grotesque by Natsuo Kirino. It has a crackerjack opening just like the ones in Lolita, Anna Karenina and Tale of Two Cities which I have heard of(I have only read Tale of Two Cities among the three). I thought that the book has an unpredictable plot and I liked how the characters were described. What I didn’t like about the book was it’s translation from Japanese to English(in the American English, that is). I thought of it quite odd that Kirino’s book didn’t spell ‘cum’ the way it is but used ‘come’ in multiple scenarios too. Weird, isn’t it? Well it is said at the back of the book that the novel was ‘shedding light on the most hidden precincts of Japanese society today’ and to me it was appalling because I knew so little about the Japanese society and I was blinded by the politeness of the people, cherry blossoms in spring and its’ media such as the handful fantasy-like anime that I indulge in.

The Naked And Famous, Young Blood(1:22)

It’s been a while since I’ve used my laptop and my keyboard is already malfunctioning. I’m having a tough time trying to press my spacebar here. Anyway, my GCE ‘O’s has already ended just a few days back and my nights seem surreal having nothing to rush through for the following day.

During the last few weeks of actually studying in the school, I started to get comfortable with a certain group of people and I realised how I could easily get along with them. Being around them had certainly made my days before the exam seem much less intimidating.

Oxford Comma, Vampire Weekend(1:35)

I’ve never felt so comforted and genuinely accepted for being myself. Being around them made me wonder what I have been doing for the past three quarter of my time in the school. It made me question why I was so depressed for months. Whoever I was back then didn’t make any sense to me because who I was was never really me, as I have realised. Well, you see I really despise these moments when you realise who are the ones that are worth your time only when everyone is about to part. It’s just like how some do say that the best is always saved for the last but in this case, life is just getting a little stingy with you. However, whatever that I have typed does not mean that whoever I have spent my time with during my more gloomily youthful days were wasted. I have learnt quite a fair bit about how grotesque(in a bizzare way) the world is. I wouldn’t know how much I would have learnt without them, without you.

The Kids Don’t Stand A Chance – Vampire Weekend(2:04)

As I was clearing the pile of work I had on my desk, I didn’t know if I should have thought that I have wasted my nights and days trying to study without the right state of mind or that my nights falling asleep on the desk will actually be worth the while. I just felt so unsure of what I have done despite knowing that I should let bygones be bygones.

Holiday – Vampire Weekend(2:14)

Before my holidays started, I thought that it would be great and full of wonder. However after it has already started I’m actually doubting myself because I have never felt so bored and unmotivated to even read or draw like how I would always want to in between my studying. It’s a little odd, don’t you think? I had all the film festivals I’d want to attend, gigs and concerts, exhibitions that I’d enjoy after the examination but I am actually doubting myself now because of my current shortcomings.. This really sucks haha. Maybe it’s also just a little too early for me to judge how my holiday would be like.

Bon voyage