Samara in the hospital

I haven't had a chance to mention that Samara was in the Hospital 2 weeks ago. She had a high fever so my doctors office told me to take her to the ER. I rushed out of the house with her at 1am and left my phone. After lots of test to make sure it wasn't anything too serious, and an IV in her head they transferred us downtown by ambulance and admitted us. It was 5am at this point and I could not get ahold of Ethan!!! He was dead asleep and I didn't know anyone else's number. I felt so lost without my cell phone. I think I am going to memorize some other people's phone numbers. Anyway it turned out that Samara was fine.........she did have a high heart rate for a couple of days and a fever.......but nothing too serious. Being stuck in a hospital for 2 days was very humbling........I can't imagine having to deal with a truly sick child or even family member. I was so stressed dealing with the ER docs and all the test the wanted to do on my sweet baby............I can't imagine dealing with those things on a daily basis. I had a much better experience with the hospital this time..............but I was much more vocal about what I expected too. Anyway I am so glad we were not stuck in the hospital too long and that we were all well enough to finalize her adoption later that week.

Samara's sealing and blessing

Its official, Samara is legally our daughter! We Finalized the adoption on November 18th (more to come on this). Then we took her to the temple on Saturday November 26th. The Boise Idaho Temple is closed so we drove 2 hours to Twin Falls. My Parents, Ethan's parents and Ethan's sis came. The temple experience was very spiritual. One of the best parts of adopting is taking your newly adopted baby to be sealed to you for all eternity. Silas was able to attend, and really kept us on our toes. Silas hates surprises so I made sure to prepare him for the day by telling him step by step every minor detail of what would happen. I am sure you can see where this is going. When we got to the Temple we took the kids to the nursery to be watched while Ethan and I changed into white clothes. No problem there....Silas did great, everything was going according to plan. Then the kids joined us in the Sealing room and as soon as I saw Silas I could tell he was ANGRY about something. Silas quickly hid behind the bench Ethan and I were sitting on and would not come out. I crawled onto the floor behind our bench to try and talk to Silas, the women that brought him up told me he was mad that they had him take his shoes off. I felt so bad that I forgot to discuss that part with Silas. Every temple is a little different though they either have you put white protective covers on your shoes or have you take them off and I completely forgot to tell Silas! I know my child and he does not like to have things sprung on him.......he gets mad if I take different streets on the way to his preschool. I told him I was so sorry for forgetting and pointed out that no one had shoes on. It still was not enough to make him feel better.......he wouldn't let me touch him and he only does that when he is very upset.  Finally after what seemed like forever the Sealer asked one of the nursery Women to go get his shoes. Once Silas had his shoes on he was Happy!!! Woohoo! After the temple sealing we went outside to take pictures. Silas was very busy running around and did not want to get in the pictures. We are very lucky that we got a few with him.

Samara did great at the temple. When we walked in my hands were so full with multiple bags and Samara so I handed Samara off to my Temple escort. Samara loved this women and instantly started talking to her, she was cooing and smiling. I have to say everyone that was watching this was almost in tears..........it was just so sweet.

Ethan's side of the Family

My Parents

These pics are from Samara's blessing day. We blessed her in church on Sunday November 27. She had CRAZY hair that day. I couldn't get it to lay down!!!! I can't believe how fast Samara is growing. She is such a sweet happy baby. She loves to smile at everyone. She tries hard to talk.....it is so cute to watch her work hard to move her lips and push sounds out.

I almost forgot to mention the best part of our trip to Twin. On the way home Ethan drove the first half and was having a hard time staying awake so he asked me to drive the rest of the way. I was feeling really tired myself and decided I would call and chat with a friend to try and stay awake. I left the gas station that we had stopped at.......I called my friend.................and looked at the highway signs carefully to make sure I got on the right way. I drove and chatted away for 30mins paying zero attention to the signs around me. Ethan woke up and instantly said pull over you are going to wrong way. I laughed at him thinking "wow he is soooo delirious". I told me friend I had to go, and instantly told Ethan he was wrong. Well friends he was right.....I had driven 30mins in the wrong direction!!!! I couldn't stop laughing about what I had done........Ethan on the other hand was so tired and was not able to see the humor in the situation. Don't worry though........he does now. Well atleast he did till I locked Samara, my phone, and car keys in the car at a gas station today. Thankfully Ethan was able to leave work and come over and bail me out. He had a very worried look on his face today though and said "Em are you ............ok" really slowly. LOL. I am fine............just extra ditsy right now I guess.

Shut up

That's right I said it laughingly to Ethan the other day and have regretted it ever since! Right now at this very moment Silas is in his bedroom screaming "SHUT UP" to me. UGH........not sure how I will handle this one yet (Good thing Samara is a heavy sleeper :) ). I think its best to sit here and blog about it instead. Pretty much every bad word that Silas has learned is my fault. Apparently I use the words hate and stupid a lot too!

Last night I made Carmel apples! Yum I have been craving them and felt that my life would never be complete till I made them. I've never made them before and I don't think I cooked the Carmel long enough because most of the Carmel settled to the bottom. BUMMER! I still ate them because it did taste great. I had cut the apple up into smaller pieces though (which took all the Carmel off, good thing I had extra) and eat it with a fork because it was MESSY! I just felt so annoyed that my apples didn't turn out like my friends or my sisters (Yes I have sister issues, I have 3 older sisters to live up to). Isn't it amazing how these little mundane things can really put you in a bad mood? Anyway as I was cutting into my second apple, Ethan said "I am concerned about our health". That was the tipping point that sent me to tears, not right away though. At first I was just angry, then I knew he was right and I am just stuffing all my feelings with food. We talked about eating healthier and me not making as many treats. After I cried on Ethan's shoulder, I did what any girl would do..............I decided to cut bangs. YES Bangs.  I usually have bangs but they have grown out past my nose and I hadn't decided what to do with them yet. Anyway I love them, and felt better.

I have been thinking though about experiences that we all have in life that leave us feeling.........jipped, angry, sad, discouraged, and alone. We all have them, and all of us tend to talk about these experiences more then needed, we can't seem to let it go. You will be talking with a friend and it usually starts with "When I was".............followed by some number of how old you were. I don't want to spend my life feeling bitter, I want to be grateful for my experiences. Good and bad. How have each of you let go? Please share, before my Carmel apples are almost gone....LOL

Just a little side note. I had Silas come down and eat lunch. Ya know what he wanted to eat and make all by himself? A turkey jelly sandwich! Did I let him? OF COURSE! After lunch I sent him to bed for a nap (he doesn't take naps anymore) he was not happy about it, but listened and got into bed...... he is ASLEEP! Success!!!!!

Now how about some pictures.

This was us on Halloween. Tiger Lilly, Captain hook, Peter Pan, and Tinkerbell. Yes I am wearing a snuggie....lol. It was

so comfortable!

Samara in her Sunday Dress

I can't believe how hard it is to get a good picture of them together!

Brownies, and cookies, and cupcakes......oh my

When I found out we were getting Samara I was beyond words excited....but then the stress set in (not that I didn't feel stressed before). Life is stressful people and we all have things in our lives that stress us out......maybe I just stress more than others? Anyhoo, I.......am........a............STRESS EATER!!! There I have said it and admitted it to the world! The first step is admitting it right? Will I stop turning to food now when I am stressed? Does this mean that now I will eat 1 snack size candy bar and not the bag? Will I still need a treat before and after my meals? Seriously, have you ever done something that you really don't want to do but you can't seem to stop yourself? For example I bought a bag of snack size butterfingers (the ones we got from trick or treating were already gone and I really needed more) I keep eating them but I honestly don't want them. I guess eating candy has become a habit now?

Last year I was so focused on being healthy!! I drank green smoothies, I started running, I cut down to a reasonable amount of sugar, I only used whole grains and ate mostly fish, chicken, turkey, veggies, and fruit. 1 year later all that went out the window and my pants are tight! I did some soul searching to try and understand why I lost all motivation, I figured it out. Last year I was obsessed with having another child. I wanted my baby girl (that I knew was suppose to come to our family) so badly. The only thing I could do to have some sort of control over having a baby was to prepare my body to get pregnant. Every moment running I was focused on what it would feel like to be pregnant (that's the only way I could get through it). Then I realized that my baby was suppose to be adopted, that's when I started to love burgers, nachos, cake, cookies (just to name a few) again. Maybe a deep subconscious part of me wanted to have a growing belly like Laken? Who knows, all I know is that I suddenly wanted to live in "Stretchy Pants" and eat whatever I wanted......... counting calories is no way to live! But living with these 15 extra pounds and muffin top doesn't feel good either. This is the argument that I have in my head over and over again.

I hate the modern trend of looking like you haven't eaten for weeks, I hate the pressure that it puts on women that are not naturally built that way. I have a daughter now and I want her to feel good about her body. I have to set a good example of what healthy means. However, I don't want to be the type of person that is obsessed with my weight. My time is very valuable to me, and I don't think it should be waisted on being vain. Don't get me wrong I love spending time being beautiful to a degree, but I don't want my body and the way I look to take over my life. I just want to be HEALTHY, I want to have a balance. Getting there just feels so hard. I can't determine where to draw the line with what I am eating. I can't decide what is acceptable for me and unacceptable.

I am hoping that some of you can relate.

Peter Pan and Tinkerbell

Two months ago Silas told me that he was going to be Peter Pan for Halloween, I was to be Tinkerbell, and Dad was to be Captain Hook. LOL I love the ideas that this kid comes up with. I explained to Silas that Samara would make a better Tinkerbell than me. I decided I better find a Peter Pan costume, its not like I can go pick one up at Target. I found a blog called "Make it and Love it". She had a very Easy tutorial for this Peter Pan costume. I never sew, and I thought it was really easy. This picture below I have to say is one of the happiest moments in my life. I love love love my two kiddos, I Love how much Silas adores his sister, and I loved looking at them dressed up.

I Love how Samara is looking at Silas here

 I asked Silas to hold Samara's head up here, she doesn't look to happy about it.

Peter Pan!! I love that he even has the Stance down.

Tinker Bell.

Not sure how I ended up with an amazing husband, and two amazing kids. I am so lucky that I get to have these experiences. I almost started crying just seeing the two of them dressed up..............5 years ago I had started to believe that I would always be an aunt and never a mother. 

Who wants to see a cute baby?

Samara is 3 weeks old now! I thought this was a cute picture of her sleeping

Ethan's coworkers threw a baby shower for us, and I didn't get any pictures :( But this is us leaving to go to the baby shower. I put Samara in a dress so she could be extra cute.

(Thanks for the awesome shower guys!!! You were so thoughtful to get Silas and Samara gifts)

Just some more pictures of my cute baby!

Love her face here

Silas is 4!

Silas was spoiled for his Birthday!

He had a visit from Christine (his Birth Grandma) and got a box full of Boise State stuff! Silas loves his new Jersey and wanted to wear it everyday, he even gave his Spiderman costume the shelf.

Don't worry he still loves Spiderman and put it back on for his Birthday party. We had a Costume party for Silas on Friday. Silas had a very specific group of friends that he wanted there. What can I say the kid knows what he wants

This is his new Spiderman bike from Ethan and I

Silas and his friends

For games the kids played limbo, duck duck goose, and red light green light. We also did a Birthday parade complete with hand clappers and shakers. The kiddos loved the parade!

Silas had been wanting a skate board for 2 years! So we finally gave in, Grandma and Grandpa Beach found him a Spiderman skate board. I think Silas was a little disappointed at how hard it is to ride, but I am sure he will have the hang of it in no time.

Silas' birthday was on Sunday. Ethan and I decided to decorate his room while he was sleeping.

This is his bedroom door.

Soccer

Silas started Soccer! I am not sure when Silas stared smiling for pictures (instead of his usual action pose) but I am loving these sweet pictures.

This is Silas with his team (team brown)

I gave Ethan the camera (I was feeding Samara) and told him to take lots of pictures. He got some good action shots, don't you think?

Silas spent 50% of time off the field getting a drink. Silly kid! We kept telling him "your team needs you" he didn't care.

When he was on the field he was doing great! We have games every Saturday, we missed this last one because Silas did not want to go. I am not sure this soccer thing is for Silas.



Little things

I have found happiness in the little things these days. Here's a list of the things that make me smile extra big.
The smell of my sweet baby Samara

Silas kissing his Sister

Telling the restaurant we need a table for 4!

Kissing both my kids (not just one) goodnight.

Listening to all of Samara's grunts, and snorts..........its so cute!

Watching Samara S t r e t c h.

Listening to Silas remind EVERYONE that HE is the BIG BROTHER

Watching Silas and Samara cuddle in his bed for Stories.

Playing with Samara's crazy curly stick up hair.

Silas acting as if it is Christmas every morning because he is SO excited to see Samara.

The stress of juggling 2 kids, I started to believe I would never feel that. I feel so lucky to be a mother to my 2 beautiful children. It finally feels like our Family is complete and we are so, so HAPPY!

Random happenings

There are moments in life that seem to be planned or maybe ...........an answer to someones prayer.

I have experienced quite a few moments lately that have left the strongest impression on me.
I want to share one of those moments with you.......if you have the time.

There are people that find open adoptions inspiring, others find it ridiculous. Some question if it is right for the children, sometimes I have wondered myself.

Ethan and I were at olive garden eating lunch a couple days ago. I pulled Samara out of her car seat to go change her diaper. A near by table full of four women went nuts at the sight of Samara. I'm not sure why but I felt slightly annoyed and protective by how excited they were by my daughter and rushed off to change her diaper. When I came back my sweet husband told me I was rude to the women and that I should have showed Samara off a little "this is Samara" " she is 1 week old". I knew Ethan was right and I felt terrible. When did I become such a grumpy unfriendly person I thought. I sat there eating the whole time feeling bad that I wasn't friendly, I tried to reason with myself that it didn't really matter........but somehow I knew it did.

Finally as the women were getting ready to leave I said"excuse me". "my husband said I was being rude earlier, I didn't mean to be. I was just hungry". The Women seemed fine and were just excited to talk to us. They asked to see Samara again. I uncovered Samara and they all seemed to love her as if she was theirs. One of the women there said it was her granddaughter's birthday. Then the youngest one said yes my daughter will be one today. I decided I better ask about this daughter that they seemed so excited about. I found it strange that she wasn't with them since it was her 1st birthday. I asked what the plans were for the little girl's 1st birthday. The youngest girl looked at me with the saddest eyes and said "she doesn't live here, she lives in Colorado I placed her for adoption when she was born".(Her family seemed quite shocked that she said that to us. I learned later that she NEVER talks about it.)

I almost started crying as soon as she said that. I quickly told her how we adopted our children and how amazing adoption is. The young girl told me she has no contact with her adoptive family or child I felt so bad for this wounded girl who seemed to be wondering if she had even made the right decision to place her daughter for adoption. I knew right then and there that open adoptions are the BEST for everyone and felt so much peace inside that we have opened our lives to our beautiful birth mothers. My heart broke for this young girl and her family. I am pretty sure they were there celebrating this little girls 1st birthday. They had one picture of her that they showed to me. The longing that they had for this little girl broke my heart.

I am so grateful for this seemingly insignificant interaction. I think we both needed to meet each other that day. Though some of you may not understand what the big deal is, I can assure you we were meant to talk to each other if nothing else to see the other side . So both parties could have a greater understanding.

Laken and Chelsea will always be the mother I couldn't be, for that I am forever grateful! I love my children. I love my birth moms. They are 4 miracles in my life!

The young girl asked to hold Samara and of course I let her. I couldn't say no. I can't imagine what it must be like to give away my child out of love so they could have something more than I could give them. What a sacrifice! My heart ached for this child holding a child. I talked to her about reaching out for help and her family agreed she needed to meet with other girls that had been through the same things in life. Ethan and I walked away from that experience feeling happy that we had the strength to not only love our children but also thier birth families.

Newborn pictures of Samara!!!

http://jenschow.com/blog/?p=3899

The many faces of Samara

She loves to sleep with her arms up

I Love how she is pursing her lips here.

           One of many attempts to capture her sweet smile. We will keep working on this

This picture makes me think of her birth dad.....he always has his mouth open LOL.

My friend made these cute boots for her. I LOVE them!

Wasting Time

Silas was extremely happy this morning that his little sis Samara was home! I couldn't get him to leave her side all day. We had family over to meet Samara and everyone had to trick Silas into letting them hold her. It was a little annoying but very sweet and cute.  

Silas feeding his sister a bottle. I love the look on his face here.

 I am loving all the hair that this girl has! I had to take a picture so you all could be jealous, LOL

I love how Silas sneaked his head into the picture, gosh it is sooo fun to have 2 kids.  

I thought it was cute how Silas is looking at her. Like I said he didn't leave her side today.

I can't get this spider man costume off this kid! But I still love this picture, I think it is sweet how they are looking at each other and how Silas is holding her hand. Silas looks like he is in Heaven, don't you think?

 A kiss for Samara, sooo sweet! Silas did that all on his own.

Samara saying hello to Grandma and Grandpa (my Mom and Dad)

One of the best things about a little baby girl is getting her dressed up to meet everyone. Silas picks out his own outfits now and hardly matches anymore.......in fact all he wants to wear is his spider man costume.

Such a sweet face.

Grandma Despain is always full of surprises and came for a visit today. We knew she was coming but didn't know when............she had perfect timing.

 Aunt Melissa and cousin Alison

 GROSS Silas, Thank goodness Silas was happy to learn today. Poor kid probably felt a little overwhelmed by all the lessons..........but he seemed to take it well. I can't believe how big and grown up he is! 

Samara is an angel baby! Seriously she eats, poops, sleeps and that is it. She is a very happy content baby. THANK HEAVENS! Ok I want to go enjoy my baby now. :)