Kayti Writes – Daring to see and be seen

No One Thing: The 4 Corners of Happiness

March 11, 2015March 17, 2015kaytiwritesLeave a comment

We’ve all been there- the moment of chaos, when our world caves in on itself and you think your own body will do the same, your heart can be felt in your stomach and your feel like you are falling into non existence- or you wish that this may be the case.

We lay under ruins, after our whole world has fallen in. The universe you have created around you, breathed into being through investment into another person is suddenly shattered. Its the moment you realize you have given too much to one thing.

I found myself sitting in the ruins of my young world at 17, realizing the first thing I chose to truly care about no longer could make up the walls that existed around me. I remember wailing for meaning, for a reason to exist.

But you see this isn’t meant to be a story of heartbreak, what was more devastating than the loss of a relationship was the realization and crumbling of my small world. With that moment, I began the journey to repair my foundation, this time balancing on four legs, rather than one.

It’s taken years of self discovery, independent adventures and mature wisdom of others for me to recognize why this moment was so devastating for me.

On this side of adulthood I have found something beautiful to celebrate in my discoveries. That love, romantic love that is, is not the sole defining factor of happiness.

I have reached a place in life, for the first time I stand truly happy without a romantic relationship. Along the way I have found passion and joy in things like building up my career, deep and loyal friendships, time with family, new hobbies and adventures.

Before I saw myself as lacking, as less than or unfulfilled because of my state of singleness, yet I have always fought against simply giving in and settling into an average relationship in order to satisfy my discontentment.

Although I can honestly say it has taken years to reach this point, it is well worth the arrival. To live in a season of adventures made of a multiple of joys. No one thing defines my state of happiness and my foundation can not be shaken.

No one should rely on one thing to make them happy. First find several things that fulfill you, then add that special someone to share those factors of joy with.

1. Friends, Family, Community

Everyone needs other people in their life. One person is not meant to and will not fulfill all your needs, you need friends, family and a community to enjoy life with. This does not mean friends to fall back on when a guy takes off, but friends that you actively support and intentionally invest into. Having these healthy relationships allow you to continue to grow with a variety of perspectives and influences guiding your life.

2. A hobby

Find something you can do and enjoy all by yourself. There are going to be times in life you will find yourself lonely. You have a choice in these times to use that time to sulk in your loneliness or to invest in yourself. There is so much joy and self-pride that comes from learning! When was the last time you tried something new?

3. A career path and passion

It is important to discover on your own what career path you want to take. Even if you fail or change your mind, the significance is to show yourself you can make decisions for your own life and follow dreams that are uninfluenced by others.

4. Service or volunteering

This is a reminder to step outside yourself. That your problems and issues often can not compare to the pain others have and are experiencing. Find a cause that you enjoy and commit to making the world a better place, in doing so you will make yourself better for the world.

Finding Pursuit on the Streets of Venice

February 26, 2015February 26, 2015kaytiwrites2 Comments

I find myself standing alongside strong women, struggling to define, find, and pursue their desires and dreams. The uniqueness of each flows from their soul longing to meet our world. I am inspired to be among them.

We all discover these dreams differently. Processed with VSCOcam with s2 preset

For some there is a curiosity to sample several dreams, in order to discover which one is the best suited to commit to. A few have dreams ignited at an early age and run after them faithfully until they are caught. Some have invested into others their dreams, and live making the dreams of another a reality. Others have pursued a dream to find it has failed them. That they reached a point of devastation as their dream gave its final breath. Until they dare to dream again.

But what I stand among are not women of defeat or confusion. These are ladies of great resilience that find confidence in discovery, to pursue dreams they have always had, dreams that are still unknown and to find new dreams to take the place of old.

We are not a generation characterized by our struggle, nor are we a generation of conformity. Instead we aspire to allow ourselves to dig to uncover the depths of who we are. To find that piece that makes us unique, the piece that chooses us, and we decide to choose it back, to follow in unwavering pursuit.

We are want-to-be novelists, directors, lovers, students, business owners, and artists. We are emboldened when our deepest desires are surfaced not to be mocked or met with a skeptical ear, but to find communities of ladies that dare to see themselves as what they believe is possible. Processed with VSCOcam with s2 preset

I know for the generation before this was not always the case. That my mother came out the exception and not the rule. But in that she ignited the possibility of success into her three daughters. I think it is no coincidence that she had only girls. She is a notable woman of business, a generous mother and a gracious friend and I am grateful for her example.

Lately I have drawn strength from my female counterparts. In recognizing the journey we are all pursuing- towards self-discovery, personal progress and career empowerment, I continue to believe in my own journey because I am surrounded by them.

Here’s to my ladies who have tried and failed, who have tried again with success, to the women who are pursuing dreams they feel uncertain about, and to those who have no idea where to start, but are still moving forward.

Write Your Own Story

February 3, 2015February 4, 2015kaytiwrites5 Comments

Someone once told me,

On a weekend in Washington D.C. I decided to give it a try. I was invited to attend an education policy workshop in Washington D.C. and I went with every intention of investing and exploring pathways into a serious commitment into a career in the field. However, somewhere in transit, among backgrounds of busy airports and strangers, I decided to instead walk into my own story. Arriving in D.C. a flood of excitement rushed through me as I knew I was beginning a new adventure. I navigated new hallways, buses, and streets with luggage and anticipation in hand.

Petite, wide-eyed, wanting to take everything in, I tried desperately to fit in. Within the first hours I was immediately drawn into this new world, taking in a unfamiliar place and becoming something different myself.

For this weekend, I decided to try to write with a different ink. I realized I have often sat back in life, or in the hotel rooms in new cities by myself. I have waited for things to happen, for people to invite me into their stories. Rules have often pulled me back. The “should’s” and “supposed to’s”- they have defined my story. Yet that’s never how I wanted to live life, or even realized was how I was choosing to spend my days. Passively, writing blank pages that no one could live out.

But that weekend, I wrote a story. I wrote it through hallways of art and marble floors, climbing steps on lit monuments, on cold walks at night that still felt warm. I wrote it through feet that danced in spontaneous rhythm and were caught not by themselves. I wrote with words from my lips I always held back, and a fearless spirit I didn’t recognize. I wrote with soft, shy smiles and unwavering glances. I wrote my own story.

I would no longer have to envy the stories I read in others lives that passed me, because I was the character I always wanted to be. I lived a story I wrote for myself. Every moment was an opportunity to decide how the story would go and to what ending.

Since returning from my weekend I have been sitting in memories of one of my favorite stories.

Although I am familiar with the pen and paper, and my fingers know their way around a keyboard, I am hesitant to write.

I live as a character writing her own book, trying to discover and escape the ending simultaneously.

I have a hard time starting stories, because I have no endings. Just as I avoid committing to stories in my own life where I don’t know how they end. There’s no assurance, no safety, no stability in moving towards something so uncertain. Fear has held me back again. But that weekend, I wrote a story, with no end in mind to limit me from continuing to turn the page.

How often do we not write for fear of an ending, or of not knowing the ending? Nothing is guaranteed, but what you write in the present. How often do I find myself watching other people’s stories, wishing they were my own? And yet I am hesitant to dive in. Maybe it is because writing a story is a commitment. It’s a commitment to living life in a present tense of uncertainty, to admit you do not know where you are headed or who you are becoming.

I waited because I thought I wanted the “for sure” story. The one I already knew how it would end. The safe story.

The ones where anything can happen when you put yourself out there and try something new. When you can openly share your thoughts, feelings and not be afraid of unhappy endings.

I wrote a story, and this one is just for me; it is all mine. And although it has no ending, I am fine.

I Dream of Being.

January 15, 2015January 15, 2015kaytiwrites16 Comments

It seems as though Los Angeles has become synonymous with chasing your dreams. I often hear people asking new friends, “What’s your dream?” Los Angeles is full of dreamers. People who have followed something inside of themselves. It’s a place where people flock with hope, and I have too.

A year ago I was in my 2nd year of teaching, while also leading a teacher advocacy organization in Charlotte. I would often find myself dreaming of moving back home to California. But not for the same reason as most do, for myself I dreamed of finding a lightness of being, a space to reclaim parts of myself I felt I had lost in the busyness of doing. I imagined running on the sand, messy beach waved hair, conversations with enlightened strangers, and reconnecting with my own free spirit.

Although many land here in hopes of doing something big, I have dreamed of California as a place of simply being. A rest stop to pause and look around and within.

In the early years of jump-starting my career I pursued goals, not dreams. Dreams had not risen yet for me to understand, so I fell in line to make goals, things I felt would make me successful.

In this, as I felt like I was becoming successful and over achieving what I even expected, I felt something inside begin to call out to me.

I thought I had followed my dreams when I started my career teaching and in education policy, but along the way I realized what I had pursued wasn’t a true dream.

The problem is that dreams and goals are very different things, and I had pursued achieving goals, instead of living out my dreams.

You see, goals are based on doing, achieving, earning. Society and others’ opinions often are what influences goals; it’s what you’re supposed to do. After 2 years of carrying ambitious career plans as what I thought were dreams, I just wanted to know who I was underneath all the doing.

Unfortunately, we are so run by “doing” in our lives we miss uncovering dreams.

People leave stable, accomplished lives, everything they’ve worked hard to gain, to pursue a dream. The same thing happened to myself, as I denied leadership roles and pipeline programs, things I felt like if I were a smart person, I wouldn’t want to miss out on as opportunities.

There comes a moment where despite ambition and success, a dream continues to speak to you.

The dream awakened in myself was to find a sense of being myself again.

I dream to be; to be adventurous, be silly, be kind, to be able to appreciate the small things.

Lost in my goals, I couldn’t see WHO I was. I only stood on what I was DOING. Deep down I think I was afraid of being seen through my accomplishments and success. I think we all try to use achievements, titles, status, fame, money to compensate for not seeing ourselves as a being.

I want to build my dreams on who I am, not what I do. I realize there are times when achievements or lack of, will not fully quantify who I am.

That’s what I love about beauty, it just has to be. It doesn’t have to achieve or earn, it just is and is admired for simply itself.

And so this year I want to really dream, and to do so on the essence of BEING.

I want to be present, to be inquisitive, to be unfinished.

What do you dream of being this year?

4 Books That Changed Me in 2014

January 6, 2015January 8, 2015kaytiwrites17 Comments

As we’ve said good-bye to 2014, I don’t want to do so completely without a recap of the top books that changed me. One of my favorite quotes says,

“You’re the same in 5 years except for the people you meet and the books you read.”

I share this with hopes that maybe these words that have changed me, might also bless and challenge you in the new year. Also please feel free to comment and share your own thoughts if you’ve also read any of these and they have spoke to you! I love connecting over books 🙂

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms

This is THE book that has changed me the most and continues to challenge me and push me towards achieving new year’s resolutions into 2015. Vulnerability.

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen”.

Much of my life I have tried to contain feelings and thoughts into my small frame, feeling the pressure and anxiety causing me to withdraw emotionally. But as Brene Brown puts it,

“Numb the dark and you numb the light.”

You don’t get to choose what emotions you feel, you either feel it all or nothing at all. Vulnerability is at the core of all emotions. I have lived too long afraid of feeling, avoiding and numbing it that now I open myself to feel it all. Vulnerability also invites others in, to share and experience with you, instead of going it alone and idolizing your own independence.

This book has convinced me that it’s not trying to show your best to the world, but to be yourself with those you trust and love.

“I carry a small sheet of paper in my wallet that has written on it the names of people whose opinions of me matter. To be on that list, you have to love me for my strengths and struggles.”

At the core of learning vulnerability is knowing that I am enough. Knowing this moves me forward to embrace and see others without the lens of shame and comparison society uses. I move toward an empathy that is expressed in looking into someone’s eyes and seeing myself reflected back. That is the beauty of vulnerability, it allows me to see myself and others more clearly.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Won’t Stop Talking

More than change me, this book helped me to embrace myself. It taught me the quiet, sensitive, and observant side of myself that I’ve tried to shed throughout my life needs to be including in who I am, not forgotten. Society has undervalued the skills and traits of the introvert personality and this is the perfect empowerment that I needed in truly living as myself in my professional and personal lives.

This book brought a new level of freedom, and taught me

“Don’t think of introversion as something that needs to be cured…Spend your free time the way you like, not the way you think you’re supposed to.”

So I enjoy a close group of deep friendship, love curling up to a book, taking walks by myself and expressing myself in writing. I have learned of the secret power of introversion.

“I have such a strong inner life that I’m never bored and only occasionally lonely. No matter what mayhem is happening around me, I know I can always turn inward.”

The Fault in Our Stars

This book made me feel, made me cry, made me think. I was hesitant to read this book because I was afraid it would be artificially emotional and cliché. Yet I found it to be a story that my emotions grew and developed along with the story until I felt entirely enveloped into the book. But maybe that’s just how I look at love in general, skeptical until I fall into it uncontrollably. It takes a lot for me to fall, but I love adolescent books for reminding me of how that first true love and infatuation feels like.

“I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly then all at once”

I welcome the fresh perspective that two people who have never loved or been hurt before can bravely and wholly venture into love. I admire this innocent romance, but realness of this love. Although a tragic story, their love is one that left me hopeful and grateful for the love stories I’ve lived and lost and the ones that still await me.

“Maybe ‘okay’ will be our ‘always”

David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants

This book uses the allusion of the story of David and Goliath to conclude that David did not beat Goliath based on luck. Goliath’s perceived advantages and David’s hidden strengths are actually what lead to the unpredicted, but great victory. In the same way I have been able to identify pieces of my life that I have found to be damaging or disadvantaging by society’s definition to be ironically reasons for my success. This changed my view on my own shortcomings and understanding them as gifts that have propelled me forward.

My understanding of leadership has developed in how I see others.

“Much of what we consider valuable in our world arises out of these kinds of lopsided conflicts, because the act of facing overwhelming odds produces greatness and beauty.”

I want to not only radiate my own beauty from overcome hardships, but also be able to see the beauty that comes out of others and hearing their stories and understanding their hidden strength.

One specific piece that was identified as exceedingly striking was the topic of money.

“More money stops making people happier at a family income of around seventy-five thousands dollars a year.”

Because although wealth appears to be an advantage it often leads to destruction and unhappiness.

Avoid Avoidance: Facing the Cycle of Fear

December 29, 2014January 9, 2015kaytiwrites3 Comments

As I mentioned before the holidays I was able to take a trip to Colorado to visit a very good friend. While visiting she thought it would be fun to take the California girl to go sledding. I don’t know about you, but for me, in my head this consisted of one wooden like sled with sturdy steel railings, small hills of snow and lots of happy faces. So you can imagine my surprise when we landed in front of a slope that appeared to be a mountain, was handed a large inner tube and ushered to the human conveyor belt that took me up into an unknown altitude.

I know we don’t know each other well yet, but let me tell you- I absolutely HATE heights. Hand me over to a classroom of crazy 7th graders or drop me in a Costa Rican jungle- I’ll manage, but heights terrify me.

We get to the top of the hill and my friend assumes we at least attempt the intermediate slope first, which I protest till it is agreed upon that we start at the beginner’s slope. Even then I did everything I could to avoid actually sitting in that tube and letting myself fall down that hill- I took pictures, fixed my gloves several times, made some snow angels. Until I could procrastinate no longer.

I told myself, “This is fine, what’s the worst that could happen- I fall off and roll down the hill and become a giant human snowball?”

After I assessed the logic of the situation and realized that even small children were easily even enjoying the trip down, I sat in circle of what could be my final resting place (I know I’m being dramatic here!) My friend offered that we hold on to each others tubes on the first ride down and I was comforted that at least I could blame her on the ride down if this didn’t go so well.

I made up my mind, this was finally going to happen, holding onto her handle of her tube and the handle of my own, we inched ourselves to the edge until we tipped over and we were off. The first several seconds were full of screams, swearing that slowly evolved into screams of excitement and joy.

By the time we reached the bottom I was excited to return back to the top, feeling a sense of pride, the “that wasn’t so bad” feeling of release.

“Avoid avoidance.”

Growing up I always heard this phrase, and since then, these are words that have shaped my character. Whenever I felt myself pulling back I pushed myself to move forward, even with hesitation.

Fear has never left me alone though, and I feel like I still deal with it at some level on most days, even if its not the falling down a mountain kind of fear. Through these years something that’s helped me overcome has been realizing fear works in a cyclical pattern. I’ve often felt that the fear itself is worse than even the possible outcomes of what I am actually afraid of, so understanding the cycle of fear helps me move forward against it.

Let me explain:

Signs that tell:

The point at which I have most anxiety about something always comes at the moments before facing what I dread. In these moments I may not have even identified the cause of the fear, but I feel the physical symptoms. My body tenses, stomach quivers, I feel warm; I sometimes will even shake. Mentally, I feel an impending doom that feels unavoidable. Everything in my being tells me to turn around and run.

Identifying the fear:

Naming the fear is the first step in conquering it. This can be more difficult than it sounds, sometimes our deepest fears are hidden underneath other fears. Here it’s important to dig down as far as you can in order to really be able to face it. For example, with my silly sledding story, was I actually afraid of hurting myself or the fear of not having control over a situation? I would say the latter is the deeper fear. Sometimes the fear is simply to not identify what the fear really is and in that case the next step is used only to distract yourself.

Self talk and avoidance

In self-talk you weigh the outcome of what you fear with the anxious feeling you currently feel and make a decision to face the fear or not. I can tell you more times than not I am able to talk myself out of doing something quite easily. I really don’t need that thrill THAT much. The times I have been able to work up the courage to do something is when I see myself as someone different or better because I have conquered a fear.

In this way, it is a sense of confidence gained. Knowing that you were sacred and you did it anyways. Even if the outcome turns out exactly as you feared- you can still walk away with a personal sense of pride.

Investing someone else and asking for help

In addition to self talk, it can be helpful to recruit help and accountability in follow through. This is often the case for myself. I need someone to give me the push. Or rather push off with me. I actually don’t like to be pushed, it feels out of my control. I would rather someone reaffirm logically the purpose of doing something and then do it with me. Having that person’s support is what makes me brave.

Make the decision

Then all there is to do is well stated by Nike- Just do it. Really when it comes down to it, it usually only takes one quick action to take back control from fear and anxiety.

Emotional release

Even if the anxiety of regret does follow, I believe there is an immediate emotional release often associated with a sense of self- pride. Whether its a push of a button, a step forward or a quick word, once its done the adrenaline subsides and it seems like everything goes still in your mind and you are able to breathe easy again.

A Plane Truth

December 23, 2014December 24, 2014kaytiwritesLeave a comment

Today I prepare to venture back to LA after a filled and refreshing weekend visiting a good friend in Denver (which I am excited to share with you in another post). But now I have a 2 hour flight awaiting me and I am grateful for this time in travel.

I know most people find the hassle of traveling to be avoided. The frustrations of the security lines, having to walk barefoot through metal detectors, awkwardly trying to fit your carry on in the bathroom stall with you. But I find myself most vulnerable in this journey of progressing to and from my destination and try not to take advantage of this bridge that takes me from and returns me to my routine life.

I find myself vulnerable in sitting with the company of myself. It’s in this space that I am forced to sit and let feelings avoided or suppressed finally surface. During this time I fight myself to not watch the latest movie or take a sleeping pill, although I’ve looked back on trips where I’ve done this as a way to avoid what may come up. But I’ve learned this time is powerful and crucial. In this purgatory space from life I feel most connected, seeing my own life from a perspective of ten-thousand miles up. Whether its an hour trip or a dreaded 12 hour journey, I dare myself to sit and see.

Finding my seat, I settle in quickly- all 18 inches of space is mine! Mine to do whatever I feel like. There are times I’ve simply sat and cried, thankful that the man next to me was asleep. There are times I literally curl up into a ball, pressed against the window and avoid existence and other times I zombie-out while I sit and stare at the back of the seat while chewing on the edges of my empty plastic cup. For whatever reason, this little space seems to be safe and honest.

But lately I’ve sat with a journal and I write. I write down the thoughts wallpapered on the inside of my head that never have a chance to come out. Sometimes its feelings of excitement, clarity and purpose. Other times I have to face regret, confusion and loneliness. But I am thankful to land with a new understanding of who I am, and where I am now planted because I am able to walk out of that plane with a sense of confidence and pride in facing the things I would normally choose to avoid.

So here I go again, into one of my most vulnerable spaces- to see and be seen 10,000 miles up.

A Journey into Vulnerability

December 16, 2014December 15, 2014kaytiwrites4 Comments

It’s about time this happens- move back to L.A. and start a blog, right? I’ve become such a cliche, I know!

But I’d like to think I’ve actually been doing this for a while now. Since I was in middle school I’ve kept a journal (of course I had the kind with the lock!) I’ve told myself stories and locked away pieces of myself and my learnings. I’ve only ever been my own audience.

Dusty bound covers have locked my thoughts away for so many years. Once blank pages have cased pieces of my heart in a place where they are protected. I used to pour out myself into those blank spaces as a means of finding and understanding myself, but have found instead I have hidden my thoughts and feelings in a way that creates a fake sense of release.

Returning home, after several years of exploring, I enter a new season. I want to dare to be bold enough to try to expose the pages inside of me to someone outside of myself. This is facing an ultimate fear- the fear of vulnerably giving oneself to be embraced or rejected.

So now I write to begin a journey into vulnerability. I write to unwrap the layers I’ve buried myself in. To make the inward process an outward one, to embrace myself and to allow myself to be seen.

I believe in the power of writing to see, the power to heal, and to connect. I’ve come to a point in my life that I am ready to step out from everything I feel like I am supposed to be and simply just be. In all my own and the world’s insecurities, weaknesses, failures I want to come out and still have the bravery to write and be seen. I want to see who I really am to myself. I want the beauty of the process of self discovery to shine through in this space.

I hope to encourage other fellow warriors to come out armor-less to fight against shame and perfectionism as the true enemies. I want to use my writing as my walking stick, to help support and guide me along this discovery and I want to invite others to join me in my focused goal- I want to find beauty along the way in the mess and honesty of being vulnerable.

To face a last and most difficult fear: To see and be seen.

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