what does a terrorist look like?

Tonight I listened to a segment from ABC 4 Utah in which the co-founders of the Emerald Project talked about President Biden's repeal of the Muslim Ban. The Emerald Project is an organization trying to combat the misrepresentation of Islam. Listening to Nora and Satin talk about their experiences with Islamophobia got me thinking about my own perception of Muslims and how it has evolved over the years. 

During my Sophomore year of college (2008) I took a World Religions course in which I learned a little bit about Islam. Up to that point my exposure to Islam/the Middle East were as follows: hearing about Osama bin Laden in the news, the 9/11 terrorist attacks and wars in Iraq and Afghanistan that followed (which I paid attention to cause I was that nerdy high schooler who liked to read the newspaper). I believe it was in my sociology class Freshman year of college that we had a guest speaker one time--a student who had converted from Islam to Mormonism and said he could not return to his family (in Iraq I think?) or he would be killed. I learned about honor killings (which, I should add, are not unique to the middle east) and I knew about suicide bombers and refugee camps from the news. It wasn't all bad. The Kite Runner was one of my favorite novels and as a devout Christian I dreamed of visiting Jerusalem and other important Biblical sites in the Middle East. In some ways I romanticized the region. But in general, both fictional and factual media depictions of Muslims and the Middle East were not favorable, and as you can probably imagine by now, I, like most people, felt that Muslims were a people to be feared. I was, to a degree, Islamophobic. 

In the World Religions course I learned that Islam is a religion of peace. It is very similar to Christianity. Muslims believe Allah (God) is the only person you should worship, that you should love God above all else, and it is that love that is the guiding force of your life. They believe in prayer and almsgiving. They fast during Ramadan, and at some point in their life are expected to make a pilgrimage to Mecca during the 12th month of the lunar calendar. During this pilgrimage they wear only 2 white sheets so there is no class distinction among them--sound familiar to the LDS temple and temple clothing? I began to have a basic understanding of the difference between extremism and adherence to a religion. 

The next semester I took an Intro to International Politics course in which I learned about Sharia Law and the Taliban. By then I understood that not everyone wanted Sharia Law to be practiced, but still, it did not help to elevate my view of the Muslim world. 

On my mission I remember passing a car one day as we were walking to someone's house and a man emerged, looked at us, and shouted something about praising "Allah". I'd be lying if I said it didn't startle me a bit. While I was dating Brennan, we saw the movie Captain Phillips which was a very intense, scary movie for sensitive little me and it made me afraid of Somalis (Somalia is a Muslim country). Months later we moved to Columbus, Ohio. I remember pulling into the parking lot at the BMV to get my license and seeing a few men outside. I thought, they look like they're Somali, and I am ashamed to admit I felt a little bit afraid of them--since, you know, there are so many pirates in Ohio. I told Brennan about it when I got home and he informed me that Columbus is home to the second largest Somali population in the U.S.  *side note: I realize that I sound like a very sheltered person, and I am/was. I grew up in North Salt Lake where, according to 2019 estimates, 86% of the people are white (possibly higher when I was growing up because it has grown a LOT since I moved away in 2007) and I'm certain the vast majority of those white people professed the same Christian denomination. Moving across the country was a very good thing for me.* A few months later I got a job as an ESL assistant teacher in an elementary school on the west side of Columbus. 1/3 of my students were Somali. Thus began the dismantling of my Islamophobia. I was able to spend time every day with kids wearing hijabs who did not look like me and whose life experience was vastly different from mine. I got to know their parents a bit. I learned a little bit more about Islamic traditions and holidays. The street that we lived on for four of our years in Columbus was home to many Muslim families from a variety of middle eastern countries. 

When Nora was a toddler we were out shopping one day and Nora saw this cute little curly haired boy she kept following and wanting to play with. The father of this little boy smiled and asked me what her name was. I said "Nora" and he said, "Where I come from Nora means bright light." I thought that was beautiful. (If I remember correctly they were from Jordan).

One of my favorite memories was when a group of Afghan women tried to teach me some Pashto phrases. It was near the end of our time in Columbus and we walked over to the elementary school next to our house so Nora could play on the playground. There was a group of women and their children sitting on the grass next to the playground eating and talking. Nora wandered over there because she saw they had food. I stood nearby to make sure she didn't bother them, but one of the women offered her a dried apricot and looked at me for approval. I nodded that it was okay and then Nora sat down making herself right at home. I walked over to keep an eye on her and the women invited me to join them as well. The mothers did not speak English, but the children did. So we sat there for a while eating nuts and dried fruit while they taught me how to say "sanga" (how are you?), "kha yam" (I am well), "manana" (thank you), and "Allah Paman" (goodbye). 

Those may seem like small, meaningless interactions, but being in close proximity to Muslims, and getting to know them personally helped to change whatever notions I had about what it meant to be Muslim. The best antidote I have found to "othering" is to get to know others up close. Make sure you are never using dehumanizing language. Ask questions instead of making assumptions. 

I remember when Donald Trump imposed the travel ban from predominately Muslim countries and I felt mortified. It was xenophobic, islamophobic, and I felt so sad for the people with family overseas who did not know when or if they'd be able to see their loved ones again. It felt very inhumane. I felt so relieved when President Biden repealed that Executive Order. Because while it may not have affected me personally, it hurt other humans.

Looking back over the last four years of Trump's presidency (and 5-6 years since he began his toxic campaign for president) I think about how my worldview has drastically changed. I am a different person than I was in 2008 when I took that World Religions class. And who am I afraid of now? White men with automatic weapons as big as their egos. 

What is your experience with Islamophobia? Or with othering? Have you had an experience that has changed the way you think about a group of people?

peace+love

p.s. according to a Georgetown University report, Muslims are the most negatively portrayed minority in U.S. media. Here are a couple of lists I found of media that tries to breakdown those negative stereotypes. You know, so you don't pass those on to your kids. here and here

in the company of spiders

Last fall, Nora and I read Charlotte's Web together, our first chapter book. I love re-reading books from my childhood with an adult or parent perspective. While these are books written mostly for children, they are written by adults, so naturally there are things for all of us. Anyway, in this current stage of life in which I am learning (somewhat painfully, sometimes) to embrace the chaos and self sacrificing I found myself feeling really understood by Charlotte. Or really understanding Charlotte.  We speak the same language...if that's possible. I could write a dissertation on just a handful of conversations between Charlotte and Wilbur and the parent child relationship, but I'm not in school or getting paid to do this and have very limited free time, so for now, here is one exchange:

"What are you doing up there, Charlotte?"
"Oh, making something," she said. "Making something, as usual."
"Is it something for me?" asked Wilbur.
"No," said Charlotte.  "It's something for me, for a change."

I think I may have laughed out loud as I read this to Nora.  I'm pretty sure I've had this exact conversation a few times with her.  But the irony of this exchange is that Charlotte is making her egg sac, which is really for her babies, not for her.  And then she dies just two days after making it and never gets to see her babies born.  And that is when I realized Charlotte didn't die of old age.  Charlotte died of MOM BURNOUT. 

peace+love

a beast of a burden

in my mind there is an image of Atlas, carrying the world on his shoulders, being cradled in his mothers arms. 

woof. november 3, 2020. like most people, i think, i have felt pretty on edge since last night. one second i think i might start laughing and the next i feel like i want to cry. i've never felt so emotionally vulnerable because of an election, but then again, we've never had a bully for a president until the last four years. one of the worst parts is, nora has picked up on it. at 4 1/2 years old she is very attuned to my emotions. in the car this morning we were listening to BBC news hour and an audio clip from the president came on. i've never felt such a visceral reaction to something i was listening to with the exception of the most recent episode of this american life where two women spoke about the sexual assault they experienced at the hands of our president. anyway, i was so revolted by the sound of his voice and the things coming out of his mouth i had to turn the radio off. from the back nora said, "calm down, mom, it's okay". i tried to give her (myself mostly) reassurance by saying, "you're right, nora, it will be okay. because no matter who wins we can still do our part by helping the people around us and being involved with local leaders." which is a lovely message that sounds nice, but it's hard to really feel that when almost half our country seems to be rooting for a man who thinks it's okay to discriminate against the LGBTQ community, separate children from their families and create a dire humanitarian crisis at the border, mock people with disabilities, call mexicans rapists, demean women at every turn, and who refuses to denounce conspiracy theories, and who seems to bring out the worst in all of us. but also, maybe that's a good thing. our ugly parts have been revealed, and now, regardless of who wins, we know we need to change. it's a lot. today is a lot. so today i am going to cling on to the things that are helping me breathe, making me smile, and reminding me that this election is not everything. those things are:

-the bright mornings. the mornings so far this november have been pretty magical with the sunlight gleaming through golden leaves. this morning was no exception. also, november's warm color palette is one of my favorites. 

-we got a library card at the location nearest our new house today and nora wanted to sign hers herself. i love her quentin blake-esq handwriting and her eagerness to practice her letters. 

-currently there are crayons, scissors, and scraps of paper on the den floor from nora's most recent art project, a "nest" of blankets, stuffed animals, and pillows on the living room floor and a stack of library books--remnants of her quiet time. normally the mess stresses out, but today i am choosing to embrace it as a sign of normal, happy children.

-nora is soaking in a bath with a bath bomb she got from the tooth fairy (who swapped it for her halloween candy). 

-right now the sun is starting to go down a bit, and i know some people have a strong averseness toward daylight savings, but i actually kind of love the cozy evenings and watching the reflection of the leaves dancing through the window panes on our wood floor. 

maybe we'll have a candlelit dinner and cozy up with our new books after we search for twigs to make our thankful tree for the month. 

wherever you are, i hope you are finding some peace amidst the chaos.

"home" by amber eldredge

peace+love

20 things you might not know about me, inspired by aunt steph

my aunt stephanie passed away almost a month ago. she was only 54 and had battled ovarian cancer for 8 years. i feel so fortunate i had been able to travel to Utah just a few weeks before she passed and visit her for what i did not know would be the last time. i was also able to travel back for her funeral. it was a hard but soul-filling week spent together with family, remembering steph, spending time in nature, and doing some of the things she loved most. she meant so much to so many people, and i came home from that week feeling renewed and motivated to live like steph. during the funeral service, my mom, aunt jennifer, and steph's son cameron all shared things from stephanie's blog or facebook page. i've been feeling a desire to start writing again, and decided today pretty much to resurrect my blog. who knows how long i'll be on this earth. and while i do a decent job of journaling, that is much more private and i don't anticipate many will read it. this is where i want to share some of my thoughts and feelings on life. in cameron's talk he shared an old facebook post called 20 things you might not know about me. so without further ado, here are 20 things you might not know about me.

1. i was born in chicago. and even though we moved west when i was only 4 years old, every time i go back to that city i feel like i am home.

2. i also feel at home in the mountains. the mountains are my own personal balm of gilead, and wherever we end up long term once our medical training journey is over, one of my requirements is that we live somewhere i can go hiking on a regular basis. (somewhere to ski in the winter would be nice, too) 

3. on my road bike is another place i feel at home. i especially love doing big climbs on my bike. i love the feeling of pedaling myself up a mountain, lungs and quads burning, then getting to the top and seeing what i've accomplished. plus the descent is pretty fun.

4. i lived with my grandpa for most of my childhood--we moved in with him when i was 5 1/2 years old and moved out when i was almost 12. while i know that was a difficult time for my parents i only have fond memories of that place and living with my grandpa. he put my sister and me to bed every night and would make up stories and sing us songs. i sing those same songs to my own children now. his backyard was the best place to experience childhood--a trampoline, swing set, a hill for sledding in the winter and slip 'n slides in the summer, big grassy area, and a large wooded area perfect for exploring and imagining. 

4. i started playing the piano when i was in 2nd grade, and for a long time i had serious performers anxiety. like when i was 11, 12, 13 it was a struggle to even get me to the recital, let alone perform in it. but by senior year i was able to play a solo recital. that was in large part thanks to my teacher's, Jean Messick, encouragement and training. she's the best.

5. i also played the viola for 2 or 3 years. but i hated practicing and got a "d" in orchestra in 8th grade because i was honest on my practice record...that was when i quit. then my freshman year of college i took lessons again for a semester. i hope one of my children wants to learn a string instrument someday.

6. after my sophomore year of college i backpacked through europe with 5 girlfriends. it was a quick 3 weeks that gave me enough of a taste to really want to go back for more of every place we visited. my favorite was probably salzburg, although florence was pretty magical. also, i didn't bring a camera on that trip.

7. i've completed 3 sprint triathlons, and placed in my age category in one. haha, it was a small one in the tri-cities and the swim was downstream in the columbia river. i do hope to do an olympic triathlon someday.

8. i'd really love to go to grad school someday (and plan to once we are a little more settled). i love school, reading, learning, and i love being in a classroom talking about literature with other students. especially with a really good professor leading the discussion. 

9. i love 80's music. tears for fears is one of my favorite bands. i have my sister, brooke, to thank for that love.

10. growing up i always thought i didn't like cake. but my parents usually bought my birthday cake from a grocery store bakery. then i became an adult and started baking cakes for my family's birthdays and realized there is a big wide delicious cakey world out there just waiting to be baked and devoured by me.

11. i love learning about family history and spend the month of october teaching my children about some of their ancestors. there are some people i am really looking forward to meeting in the afterlife-- in particular my grandpa IVon's parents, his wife (who i met but didn't really know), and my dad's mom. 

12. while i am not much of an artist myself, i am definitely an appreciator of fine art. i love art museums and collecting art that moves me or tells a story i love.

13. i probably drink over a gallon of water a day and rarely ever drink anything else. (do you have the song in your head now? "water sucks, it really really sucks")

14. i didn't learn to cook until i got married. brennan thought we'd be eating a LOT of BLT's cause that was what i made for him when we didn't eat out or he didn't cook (which, he rarely ever cooked) when we were dating. i don't think i even knew how to make hard boiled eggs. in college i mostly ate cereal, sandwiches, pita chips and hummus, and spinach smoothies. now, i make dinner for my family 6-7 nights a week.

15. i love my children with all that i am. that being said, being a stay-at-home-mom is not my dream job--it just took me a few years to learn that and get over the guilt of that (still working on that one). but i'm also unwilling to go out and get a job right now because i think james is too young and i don't want to leave him with someone else (not that i don't trust other people. i know there are some really great caretakers out there who would love my children well!). i know, it's all very complicated, but i am in a good place with it now in which i'm enjoying being home for the most part while also making plans for future education/employment.

16. i majored in english literature, but i am actually a really slow reader and don't think i'm that great of a writer. luckily my professors thought i was decent, but i hate letting people read my writing because to this day i feel pretty insecure about it (and no, i'm not talking about cheesy lists). i think i'm particularly bad at personal essays and poetry.

17. in 8th or 9th grade i was awarded "best defense attorney" at mock trial. for quite a while i thought i wanted to go to law school, haha. i still think law school would be cool, but i really don't think i'd like being an attorney. growing up i wanted to be a field agent for the cia, a film director, and an astronomer (not all at once, those were all different phases).

18. whales are my favorite animals. the only time i've seen them in the wild was offshore in olympic national park in washington and i was so moved by the experience i cried. i love those peaceful giants and someday i want to go snorkeling with them.

19. in another life i think i was a dancer. if there's one thing i wish i would have stuck with as a kid it would be dance. i love a good dance party and that was my favorite part of my wedding reception. we have dance parties pretty much every day in our house.

20. i think the office is overrated. 

peace+love

some musings i wrote upon leaving Ohio

An Ode to Ohio

Though I was born in the Midwest, I grew up in the West.  Mountains were the dominating backdrop or star in most of my life experiences.  I, too, at one time mocked the flatness.  Until, just as the mountains are, the flatness became a part of me.

More than once I have heard, "why would anyone want to live here?  There are no mountains."  To them I say, but have you ever experienced Ohio in the fall?  A gentle, constant breeze sets golden leaves dancing as they glisten in the sunlight.  A sea of orange, red, and yellow lines the streets and blankets the forests for weeks before winter sets in.

I'll be the first to admit that winter in the Midwest can feel endless and dark and downright depressing.  But just when you think you can take it no more, Spring trickles in on the backs of the last melting snowflakes with its pinks and whites and yellows and purples.  A rainbow of blossoms and blooms accompany the sweet scent of fuchsia and peonies.  The crocus and daffodils shoot upright as the ground begins to thaw and sends the gray packing.  As a Westerner who observed that tug of war between Winter and Summer for a few months each year, I never truly appreciated Spring until I lived in Ohio.

But when I remember Ohio, I think it will be summer nights of rain and fireflies.  Being startled from sleep by thunder so booming it shakes the house.  It is the bright green mornings with the cardinals and chickadees chattering over dibs on the bird feed (that the squirrels inevitably ransack).  Robins pecking for bugs on the ground while hawks soar overhead.  It is blue jays hopping from branch to branch while squirrels chase each other around tree trunks.  It is the ferocious roar of cicadas and moisture hanging heavy in the air.  It is skunks and rabbits and red winged blackbirds.  It is flatness.  And it is also rows of corn shooting up like high rises.  It is age old trees of every variety, and hostas, and lush green grass calling you to run barefoot and sit in its tresses.

And all of this says nothing of the genuine and kind people who inhabit its flatness.  Who never drive in a hurry.  Who view life as a thing to experience and absorb, not a race or a thing to be adorned with stuff that will turn to dross at the end of days.  So, to those naysayers who suggest that anyone who lives here might be happier living somewhere else, I say, there is a reason it's called the Heartland.  It is magical.  As magical as any place I've lived or visited.  And once you've been in it, it is in you.

pretty irish girl

edith (our fish) is fitting in quite nicely with our little family.  sometimes i come in the living room at night to dance and she always swims up from her hiding spot and swims around with me.  brennan sometimes stands over her bowl and makes kissy noises and she'll swim to the top and blow him a bubble kiss.  it's the sweetest thing and we love her.  

last weekend we watched Darby O'Gill and the Little People in preparation for St. Patrick's day and practiced some Irish jigging.  since then brennan always says to me, "ask me about my wife."  "what is your wife like, brennan?"  and he starts singing "pretty irish girl" (proof sean connery can sing).  anyway, here's a little jigging if you're into that kind of thing.

peace+love

sticks and stones

this post started out as an instagram post, but then it became too lengthy and emotional, so i opted for the blog...since my readership is pretty tiny anyway.

brennan and i saw Unbroken at the dollar theatre tonight.  There were many moments during the movie when I felt like crying, but it wasn't until we were in the parking lot that the waterfall started...I guess it just took a while to collect my thoughts and allow my emotions to reconcile with them.  Not just from the movie, but these last two weeks.

i began working at an elementary school last week.  it is on the west side of columbus, near the projects...westside...inner city.  breakfast and lunch are free for all students in our district.  they cancel school any time it gets below zero because some kids just don't have coats and can't walk to school in that weather.  and the way the teachers treat the students, the way the students behave, the atmosphere there--it is unlike any elementary school i have ever stepped foot in.  i have students who have 11 siblings all living in one apartment together.  i have a little second grader who came to the U.S. just a month ago with her mom and siblings to get away from their abusive father.  i have a fourth grader whose father shot himself.  these tiny, innocent humans are having to deal with some heavy stuff.  in the mornings i have cafeteria duty, so i watch them come in and get their breakfast.  sometimes i observe their demeanor and some of them just look weary.

between that, the stuff i hear/read on the news everyday, and the movie, i've spent quite a bit of time thinking about suffering.  it breaks my heart that we live in a world where humans cause other humans to suffer in such profound ways.  sticks and stones (illness, accidents, and disasters) may break the bones, but the way we treat others, that can really kill the human spirit.  so, through all this learning, observing, thinking, and feeling, i've decided i never want to be the cause of someone else's spiritual suffering.  i want to be a little kinder and a little more generous to everyone around me.

Luke 10:33-34

But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,

 And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.