Upcoming Dates, 2015, 2016 (Constantly Updated)

December 10th: Al’s Bar in Lexington Ky with Stewart Huff

December 12th: Jenny Wiley Theater, Pikeville Ky

December 15th: Headlining Broomtown Bar, Toys For Tots, Lexington Ky

December 17th: Headlining Twisted Cork on Clay’s Mill Comedy Show, Lexington Ky

January 5th: Comedy Off Broadway

January 7th: FREE Twisted Cork Comedy Show on Clay’s Mill

January 14th: Wald ‘n Inappropriate Comedy Show,  Belle’s Cocktail House, Lexington Ky

January 20th: Hosting Dash For Dollars, Memphis TN

January 27th: Great Kentucky Mic Off, Laughing Derby,  Louisville Ky

January 29th: Hosting Dash For Dollars,  Mahwah New Jersey

February 5th and 6th: Hosting at Comedy Zone, Johnson City Tennessee

February 9th: Hosting Dash For Dollars, San Antonio TX

February 10th: Hosting Dash For Dollars, Baytown TX

February 13th: FUNdraising With Laughter, Elizabethtown Ky

February 27th: FUNdraising With Laughter, Oldham County High School, Ky

March 5th: FUNdraising With Laughter, Nelson County High School, Ky

March 11th: Hosting Dash For Dollars, Alliance OH

March 19th: Hosting Dash For Dollars, Rutherford NJ

April 28th: Hosting Dash For Dollars, Boston MA

 

 

 

NFL Lockout A Bust

Every year without fail, like a particularly punctual case of Herpes, there’s a cancer in this country that returns to devour the minds and souls of my friends and family. Like any hard-working S.T.D. it has no cure, its inescapable, and the only way to survive is to look away and hold your breath like Twitch’s wife when she’s forced to make love to him, and wait for it to go away. I, of course, am talking about the vile sickness that is football.

For generations, men throughout the country have scratched their stupidly painted heads wondering why the rest of the world doesn’t enjoy this sport whose 4 hour games consist of 2 minutes of excitement and 3 hours and 58 minutes of waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

They can’t seem to comprehend why other countries don’t understand the game whose own rules are so convoluted that decades long fans still don’t know what the hell some of the rulings mean!

“Well, John, it looks like we’ve got a half-back double safety touch pass on the third down quarter out!”

“Wow, Rich, amazing that all those rules apply to a game where… everybody’s just kinda standing there.”

So you can imagine my joy when I heard the news of a possible NFL lockout! No longer would I hear about FOOTBALL on the radio while I drove by FOOTBALL fans wearing their FOOTBALL jerseys on the way home to play their fantasy FOOTBALL while watching ESPN’s coverage of FOOTBALL as I ducked calls from friends who invited me to watch the FOOTBALL game after they tossed the FOOTBALL in the front yard discussing who would win the upcoming FOOTBALL game as I shoved a FOOTBALL in my brain to escape FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL!!!!!

Then, earlier this week, my hopes dreams and sanity were shattered into a thousand Rawlings sponsored pieces when I heard the lockout was over. I (laugh) mean laugh) sure, I understand the players need to make even more money living their dreams, shooting up clubs and working ten times a year. After all, Rothlisburger’s roofies aren’t going to buy themselves!, and I was happy their precious little egos and been stroked enough to DO THEIR DAMN JOBS, but really? So quickly? Hockey had a lockout. Baseball had a lockout. And those sports are just as popular as ever!

But I guess I’m a dreamer.

“Imagine there’s no football/

It’s easy if you try

No games on Sunday

No blimps in the sky

You might say I’m a dreamer

But I’m not the only one

I hope some day you’ll join us

Or I’ll make Ben Rothlisburger force you to against your will

And THAT’s what shortbus thinks!

Winter Sucks

Its December 14th. And you know what that means! Just around the corner is Old Man Winter… that frigid, puppy freezing pedophile. When you’re a kid, winter’s great! School cancellations, hot chocolate and playing in the snow. But then you get older you realize that work is NEVER cancelled, hot chocolate is only good with booze that you CAN’T buy because you’re snowed in and the only people who bundle up and hide in snow forts are the homeless! I know what you’re sayin’ “Hey Shortbus, what about Christmas?” Christmas sucks. No, I’m not slamming Jesus, I’m just saying it sucks that I have to spend all MY money on buying presents for people I don’t even like! “Hey, thanks for knocking up my sister. Here’s a prize.” The whole concept doesn’t make any sense to me! “Here you go, sweety. What better way to celebrate the birth of our lord and savior than with a copy of Grand Theft Auto 4. Now go kill some hookers.” And then there’s the Christmas Carols: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…” how damn poor was Bing Crosby if he was eating Chestnuts for dinner? “Jack Frost nipping at your nose.” What kind of a man lets somebody named Jack nibble on his nose and then writes a love song about it? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Then there’s Dean Martin’s lovely ode to date rape “Baby it’s cold outside:”

“I really can’t stay.”
“Baby it’s cold outside.”
“I really need to go.”
“Baby it’s cold outside.”
“My mother will start to worry.”
“Well just have one more drink.”
“Why is it fizzy?”
“Drink it on down.”
“I’m startin’ to get woozy.”
“Let me help you with your top.”
“Why are you filming this?”
“Shhh… don’t talk just shut your mouth.”

Then there’s the “Holiday” parties and “Holiday” TV shows and “Holiday” movies, because lord knows everyone will be offended if you mention the name of the person you’re celebrating!!! It’s Christmas dammit! Say it! I would be less offended if you threw “A very special celebration of the life and work of Charlie Manson” than an pansy ambiguous ‘Let’s not offend anybody” non-denominational “Holiday Party”….because at least I know what the hell we’re celebrating! “But hey Shortbus, at least you get off work for Christmas.” Not if you work at the video store you don’t! “Listen I know that you guys have families and friends, but crappy overpriced movies are just more important. What if somebody wants a copy of ‘My Cousin Vinny?’ Listen, we need to keep this store open so it can lose money every day of the year.” “But hey, Shortbus, at least you get holiday pay, right? Time and a half?” Or that’s right. I forgot! Time and a half! That way I can make 8 DOLLARS AN HOUR!!!!!

I guess what I’m trying to say is Winter sucks. And it if on Christmas night three ghosts of my past present and future try to visit me to convince me otherwise, I’m pretty sure one will die of hypothermia, the second one will get distracted renting “King Ralph at the video store and the third will be date-raped by Dean Martin at a non-denominational holiday party for it gets to me, so I don’t have anything to worry about. Bahumbug. And that’s what Shortbus thinks.