Life in the Fast Lane

Sure to make you lose your mind.

Punching above your weight when no one expects it is rather easy, especially if you have SOME substance. I'm starting to have my belief swayed in terms of me having that substance in the first place.

There have been some harsh lessons that have been learnt over the past couple of weeks. There have been some about dreams, some about reality, and some about everything in between. So I shall attempt to start listing them in here, as I have been inspired by "diaries" that I have made for myself, as well as for my father in 2005...

Dreams

• Your dreams are meant for you only. Not for other people. A dream of mine that has recently been shattered is the one that I have left behind. There are just too many unknowns for a person to develop something that isn't seen face to face everyday. Perhaps it is preparation for what is up ahead...

Reality

• I am nowhere good enough compared to what I want to be. There are many more new things to learn,  and that curve has been steepened by the fact that I set myself 2 years back via inflection in Melbourne. The reality is that I can't hide my mistakes anymore, and I have to constantly overperform in order to keep up with what I'm meant to project. 

I have just turned 24. I am the youngest among my work peers, yet the people that I associate as I am closest to are all younger than me. Perhaps I am really lost after all. However, I do like this format. I will probably stick to this until I can't come up with a dream/reality anymore.

Oppan Manta Style

Unforgettable people leave impressions. Unforgettable moments become memories and experiences. What I would like to pose to the reader is: How much of your life is unforgettable? How much of your life would you look back on, and laugh, cry and shout about and regret doing all those things X years ago? Perhaps at 24, I shouldn’t be the one looking back. But the unforgettable people, as well as the unforgettable moments that I’ve had with these people will certainly be part of who I am, and who I want/not want to be.

 

Sitting next to me on the plane is a girl probably younger than me, but only slightly. She’s in her working years, but she’s finishing up uni and she’s about to do a tour of Europe. She’s been to Europe before, she knows that she’s small and she enjoys the perks of it. You can hear it in the way she speaks about it. That’s probably what makes her attractive. A week back, as a housewarming party (that had barely any alcohol), everyone took turns to share with the entire group what it is that makes someone of the opposite sex attractive. I initially pointed out that most importantly (physically), what made a girl stand out from everyone else was her voice. I’m a singing person, and that probably causes me to gravitate towards girls who sing, but there’s also another part of the person that is portrayed through what they say, as well as HOW they say it. Like how a picture can almost give away how the person is feeling at the time, but at the same time you are revealed to another piece of a person’s puzzle. It’s good to know that I finally know what I want from a person, and that’s also probably why most Malaysian girls put me off. I”m also sincerely hoping that this indicator remains relatively accurate for me, at least for the next couple of decades or so.

静思

Sometimes I watch the world go by and wonder. What life would be like without me. What if I jumped off a cliff one day and no one heard of me anymore? The head says that my possessions would eventually become fading memories, and the heart knows that the experiences you have with these people you miss so much will eventually become a thing of the past…

I’ve been told by some people that they don’t want to fade into anonymity once they have passed away, I’ve had friends that get depressed about life’s struggle because of the fact that no matter how hard we try, unless you’re Hitler or Einstein (who knows maybe the great Albert will be forgotten one day too), the world will almost always fail to stand up to  recognise you as an individual that matters. It makes you wonder what part we play in this community of 6 billion and more, the great debate of whether each of us have a purpose to serve in life, or do we just survive each day and make peace with what we have… However the answer to these questions aren't simple and are pretty much never there, hence the development of opinion and how it can change over time…

You eventually also start to wonder over little decisions that you never made/ have made, and how people have cried over it, how people have resisted to cry over it, and whether it haunts them until now, or is it a weight lifted off their shoulders… I’ve heard the word “crossroads” being thrown around many times, it’s funny how you only see one crossroad in the movies when in truth, there are so many crossroads that we come across and ignore…

Besides the what-ifs, I also started to think of the maybe-i-should’ves. Conversations of people talking about their past seem to show similar patters: Most people rarely regret the choices they’ve made so far, but very rarely do people mention the period of uncertainty that nothing to answer to or answer for. That, I find, is the real purposeless-ness in life that we should try and avoid. It’s probably why people avoid talking about them so much. It’s funny how I’m logging how I’m actually trapped in this state right now, and yet I’ve been presented with so many options, so many crossroads to come across because it’s how “life” it’s supposed to be.

It’s the end of June. I’ve been invited to attend too many. I’ve turned them down. I don’t enjoy being vague, but I am afraid to be too specific because I am afraid of being wrong. I have lost the courage to form an opinion because I’ve been conditioned that way for the last few years (I suppose?) and when I asked of my opinion, I cannot remember what I have said.

The sense of belonging. Why do we need to be pulled along by some invisible force to feel like you belong to a certain place? Do people without belonging become wanderers? How do you tell who belongs where?

Before I ramble off and lose concentration, I would like to make a point about joy. I have been told recently that I have a double edged sword, which is the fact that I take up anything new with joy. This makes me fearful of taking up anything new at the moment, for it may be the “wrong” direction, the wrong purpose, the wrong passion, the wrong what-ifs and maybe-i-should’ves and the wrong-one-that-I-let-go.

And lastly, I only have one wish. I wish that I had told someone everything I knew before.

Big bad world here we go.

Lie - CNBlue

I don’t want this blog to turn into a ranting one. Yet I have so many insecurities right now that I could fill many pages with it. Perhaps it is only fair that I can use this diary as an outlet to my strain, as opposed to people. My mom had dismissed this blog as “Putting your sorrow out there to the world”, in fact I’ve heard many similar views of blogs as sympathy attracting tools, and some have treated that view indifferently, while others think that it’s petty.

 

But that’s not the subject of interest here. I find that I’ve become a lot more introverted since attempting to break into the working world. The temptation to meet people is gradually fading; Things that are meant to be done become a habit rather than a chore. Spending time just LIVING becomes a lifestyle, and can take days away. Whilst adapting to this new lifestyle, I’ve fallen through the trapdoor of falling in love with someone else. And it seems that I’m going to be disappointed yet again.

 

I’m having one of those “black face” days where I don’t wanna see anyone. Except the person that I wanna see most. I feel bad ignoring all the nudges and calls from mom so far. I’m definitely writing an email to her tonight. I owe her one. I split the day between chores and games, and I intend to end it with some nice alcohol while watching the Arsenal v Blackpool game.

 

Because tomorrow will be worse. Or better. Or both. But it shows up anyway.

I’m quite content with my learning curve so far, with most things anyway. Things that am dearly wishing for: A partner in crime that I can trust. Should I go out and find one now, or do I persevere at what I am doing until I get it right? And who will be there to tell me what I’m doing wrong and encourage me for what I’m doing right? Perhaps only life gives you the answers based on the effort you put in. Even Google won’t be able to solve this. Maybe it eventually will, them crazy people coming up with a virtual counsellor/parent that tells you exactly what you’re going through and knows how to make you feel better.

Because I’m bloody upset. And I don’t wanna talk about it. Because no one wants to see me sad anyway.

Thanks for reading. Appreciate it.

Wonder Girls – This Time

As hard as it is to admit it, I suppose I deserve to rant… I’m upset. Upset at so many things. I’m worried. I’m more worried than ever. I’m not asking for support.

I’m just looking for the strength that is non-existent in me at the moment to have faith in what I do, and what I’m about to do.

I’m not looking for solutions either. I just wanna soldier on. With someone telling me that I’m doing a good job.

散场的拥抱 (Yes, I’m thinking of you)

I write this post as I am 37000 feet above sea level (the monitor at the front said so), across the Australian deserts and on the way back to reality. The feeling hit me when I received the yellow form where people fill in their purpose of entering Australia. It’s almost similar to an epiphany (only this should have happened a few months back), and I am not quite as mentally prepared as the Luxian 4 years ago, full of endeavour, excitement and fearlessness. I thought of approaching this new journey with an optimistic, gung-ho attitude a few months back, but realised that I’m no longer an 18-year old that is feeding 6-digit vitamin-M into Melbourne University’s accounts. What a year this will be.

I fell in love again. Not an uncommon thing yes, but it’s a different situation this time. It seems that every relationship/love lesson that I face is more impossible each time. From what I thought was oriental, to exotic, to white chocolate itself (I can’t think of a better way to say it), She seems to be perpetually 1000 miles and 13 time zones away. I’ve coined it as “chasing unicorns” where I remind myself that 1. love hurts (especially when unrequited), 2. loving someone is one of the best feelings in the world (besides the feeling of getting liquid out of your bladder), and 3. Loving humans is definitely more worth it than loving a dog, even though my grandfather argues otherwise. In the process, I grew up more. Funny how true the cliché “Everything has a time and place, even love” is, but through all that waiting for the right moment, even though it takes years or decades, I have learnt from pursuits of love (mine and those that I observe) that sometimes you can’t ignore the 缘分 factor… I’m on a plane now so I can’t come up with an English term for it from Google Translate, but basically fate has a part in the outcome of love….

Besides being one of the things I’ve always wanted to do, this post serves as a milestone in my life… I have begun to treasure these “digital footprints” of mine as I read through my mom’s diary of things that me and my brother did as kids… I seem to be a boring child, but sometimes the things that my brother says are absolute “mint” as Rooney would say on Special1TV… I vaguely remembering mom making entries in her little brown book as a kid, but I did not recall the time my brother saw my mom do it too, and she asked us “Which one of you would like to keep the diary when you’re grown up?” and my brother answered “复印就可以咯”(Photostat then can edi lorrrr). I still want the original copy.

I’m 2 hours away from Melbourne. So much to do. So much to do that I should have done a few months ago. So much to do that I should have done a few months ago that I regret not doing now, and I have so little time to do and I haven’t really done anything about it over the past few weeks because I’ve been busy worrying about it and everything else. I already have plans with people on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I’m worried that I can’t fit everything in between. I’m worried that I lose my focus and priorities because I’m too indulgent and I lack discipline at the worst moments. I’m worried that people will tell me “It’s all gonna be ok” and I don’t believe them, because I have been through that circus of an excuse, and it does not turn out fantastically well. My dad was right about one thing: It’s ok if you try your best and you miss out by a lot, but if you try your best and you miss out on something by a bit, it hurts as hell. Especially when you think of the tangible consequences that come after it.

On the other hand, I’m excited. I’m excited to see people again. I’m excited about the pursuit for income, the opportunity of  making my own money and targeting a lifestyle that I WANT, for once. And no one complains. I’m excited at sharing a million things with new people possibly, old friends and making new mistakes, as well as learning from them. My main principle stands: Life is a learning process, no matter how old you are. This trip back to Malaysia has clarified and verified this concept in my head, and I have to keep looking up if I wanna achieve what I want.

Things I’ll miss from Malaysia: I don’t think I’ve listed them yet. Usually I don’t miss stuff when I’m away, mainly because I’ve used to changing environments, but this time I’m not going to look away and appreciate these things that I will probably not see in a long while:

1. Dad’s wisdom. As harsh as he can be, it is these very episodes that make me a better person. and I’m grateful. “Begin with the end in mind” is the latest that my dad has preached, and I’m going to put that into practice when I get back to the apartment, first thing.

2. My audience. For those who have been keen to listen to me while I' was in Malaysia, those who took their time to come out to meet with me, THANK YOU. You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to say so much to people that I haven’t found in Australia. To be frank, I realise that the reason that I haven’t really opened up to anyone is because words are hard to take back, and I hate mucking up in whatever I say. The fact that I can pour my heart out and just talk, without worrying, is such a relief.

3. The routine. I’m gonna miss regularity when I start my new life. I know that eventually life will settle down to a cycle in Melbourne, but in Malaysia I have been so comfortable that I realise that it is what I wanna achieve. And even among this routine, there’s so much flexibility and color that everyday has been entertaining. Everyday has been exciting, and dramatic, and superlative.

4. The indulgence. I’ve realised that Malaysia is the, perfect place to indulge. The perfect place to waste time. But the purpose of going to Melbourne is to grow up, to develop a new maturity, a new discipline and a new lifestyle. And I will do it, whatever it takes.

Watch this space.

Growing Pains

I've moved a few posts because I don't think people should see that side of me. (Where I've moved them to is only a typo away anyway).

Another year has come and passed. This post is about the past, the present and the future. This is 1 post that can summarise 2010, as well the month of December that felt like it lasted longer than 2010 altogether.

2010 was, shall we say, a learning experience. As a 4th year engineering student, although I cannot say that I am completely satisfied with what I have achieved within the year, the highlight of the year was getting the results at the end of the year, and hearing both my parents tell me that they were proud of what I've done. I cried that night, for the first time in the year, out of happiness instead of fear or depression. It was arguably the only time that whole year that I had felt truly happy, without any fear of what came next.

I miss these people already.

As for the lows of 2010, I can easily say that most of the year had been stressful. From the semi-dodgy lecturers, to the bouts of depression, and the walking-on-glass feeling when you're dating someone new, to letting so many people down at once, it's almost as if I had chosen the wrong course to study in university and I'm finally starting to pay for it. Maybe I wasn't grown up enough yet. Maybe I was too spoilt. Maybe I'm just being over-worrying about the whole issue. Through all that, I had discovered that the main theme of the year was not getting what I wanted, and learning to deal with it. Some things I have dealt with in a proactive way, and things have turned out relatively ok, and some things I have chosen to go for the QSS(Que-Sera-Sera) rule and hope that everything falls into place. Some things I have actually dealt with an iron hand, and I am learning to deal with the consequences.

So now, for the lessons of 2010:

1. Suffer the pain of discipline, or suffer the pain of regret. My dad recently asked me what I would change about myself the most, thinking that I would say that I'd wanna curb my fear of talking to him. I told him that I wanted to chase away the demons of my indulgence. Too often I have gave in to temptation, and as a result lose focus of what I really intend to do. This has to stop. 2011 is the year that I grow up, and dealing with this habit is the first priority.
2. Love is forever. There is one person that I'm hoping that will read this. But it is most likely that the person has given up on me already. She's that kind of person anyway. I miss her everyday. She's still part of me. I dunno how long I'll take to move on from her. I knew how desperate I was when I was eating YeeSang the other day with mom and aunties and they were joking about how if you pulled the noodles high enough, your 1 wish in your heart would come true. I pulled mine really high, thinking of her. I can't imagine how long more I'll stay single at this rate. But nevertheless, I also know that time heals all wounds. Except that I don't know whether this is a wound I'm having with me. Which brings up Barney Stinson's famous saying "everyone in a relationship comes with baggage". I'm sure I know mine now.

3. Always optimise yourself to perform to other people's best. Very invaluable lesson from my dad. He seems to think that I hate him for saying nasty, harsh and practical things. I actually really appreciate what he does, I just have to find time to hit myself on the head and focus on applying what he says. Looking back at the year, I realise that by applying this rule to mots of the situations that I faced, I certainly would've had a better outcome in all circumstances.

Sometimes I wonder why I returned to Malaysia for Christmas and whatnot. I was happy in Australia. I had relative plans for what I would do when I had finished uni. I had plans to apply for my PR early from there so that I could get a head start on applying for jobs. I was growing up in my own time in Australia, I wanted to learn how to clean and cook the apartment regularly and work on my own fitness. I was enjoying the company of someone I had just made friends with. I was starting to take control of my own life, now that the burden of studying had been lifted off my shoulders. No more caffeine addiction. No more late nights. No more stress over balancing study and life. No more thinking about dangerous cocktail that consists of girls and study. I was ready to look forward.

There were a few factors that drove me back. Funny thing is that these "reasons" were the epitome of traits of myself that disgusts me. First there was the lame excuse of "cheaper" IELTS results. Which highlights the fact that I still have the weakness of arguing for the sake of arguing. Secondly, there was the idea of "I'll enjoy myself more in Malaysia". That has basically portrayed the part of me that blinds myself hoping for a better outcome in the long run.

All of these reasons I initially thought were fantastic reasons, suddenly fell apart when I came back to a shitstorm of quandaries, and as a result I suffered from more depression: The addictions came back, and the old demons began to resurface again. Things were going out of control. I'm not a fan of the blame game (except ironically I love blaming myself), but the environment does contribute to consequences, and the 软禁process took its toll on me.

So that was the past. At present, I am just trying to avoid turning into this:

It's interesting how things could've turned out. But as a new year, I have to set goals for 2011. The adage of "clutch" is ringing in my head now with a decibel level so high that it's starting to be as loud as the alarm bells. So here we go.

1. Maintain a routine in my life. One of the many lessons that I have learnt from my dad this trip is that if you define rules and follow them, you'll rarely lose out in life. I will start on the routine and it will be done by the end of the week.
2. Have an open communication line with both parents. Through this trip I have really valued the communication that I have with my parents after comparing it with most of my friends' communication lines; I have to keep learning, and I can never hate them, whether they hate each other or not.
3. The magic 15.

So those are the mini-goals first, I don't wanna set a list that's too long, and before I go, here's a picture of what I hope to look like in the near future:

Tutelage

I have not posted since October. I recall last saying that I had a million things on my mind. Thanks to Facebook, it's down to half a million. Thanks to mom its down to a quarter of a million. Thanks to whatever friends I have made along the way, it's down to a few.

I do not intend to shut this blog down. I know people have given up on reading it anyway.

But as a new chapter begins in my life (I've graduated woohoo) there is this feeling that I am yet to be complete, that nagging feeling of telling your mom/roommate/partner "5 MORE MINUTES DAMMIT" before you wake up.

I'll miss a lot of things. But I've lost the emotion to say it. I've lost the incentive, the alcohol, the drive, foolishness. The rashness. The innocence. The passion. The you.

And what's left of me is gonna take a while to open. I'll miss it too. Where are you?

Will update tonight. It'll be like an old catch up session with myself.

Linear Quadratic Regulation

I have a million things to talk about. I wish I had a million seconds to do it (which is 11 days and a bit more by the way).

3 assignments, 1 lab, 2 weeks. Then it's the long week which leads to my impending demise.

at least I think so.

I just wished that I told her that I like her.

C y'all.

Feel Good Hit of the White Spring

I'm gonna be as colloquial as I can: There comes a point in time where you know that you're not supposed to be doing something and you wonder to yourself: "Why the hell am I doing this again?", and you know that there's only one answer. To many, many questions. And that is love.

Love for the game. Love for the good times. Love for the interactions that once were that were taken for granted and now forever treasured. Love for the stupidity. Love for the adrenaline rush that hits you harder than a guarana-loaded sugar filled commercial double espresso in a bottle after a huge can of sweet, sweet Mother.

That love that was once had, and forever missed, that brings a dormant soul back to a vibrant, passionate and willing individual that has his A game on no matter what the pressure.

Love make stupid people smart, and smart people stupid. And for some weird reason, I never take my own advice.

Perhaps I'm still considered a stupid person then.