Did it really take an elevator video of a huge guy clocking his wife and knocking her out for you to believe that happened to begin with? Or that it doesn’t happen in an elevator near you everyday, that it’s happening right now?

Was the other video of her unconscious not enough?

Did you think domestic violence wasn’t that ugly? I will say, I thought it would be much harder to watch; I’m glad it wasn’t, but we’ve all seen a lot worse.

That America can always manage to act like insidious, rampantly prevalent social problems like domestic violence do not happen to people like “us”- like the ones in that video on the elevator – never ceases to amaze me. It is the ultimate double think that has enabled us to sleep for centuries.

In fact, domestic violence is actively occurring right now in the houses of some people reading this right now. They may not even finish reading this because all hell might break loose before the end is reached (it is long, and that makes this more likely).

Domestic violence is a public health crisis.

It is no surprise that it is “laughable” (everything with a greater than one step solution in this fucking country is just so “laughable”) to approach it like one.

It does not exist at all, unless in our Brave New World, some video- those never lie- play- and play- and play- and we are forced to acknowledge it.

As briefly as possible.

Hoping like hell it just goes away.

And if THAT doesn’t work, we blame the one guy, and hammer him with life altering consequences.

And make him knock it the fuck off and teach his ass to never pull that shit again.

Make an example of him.

Kind of like that guy was acting in that video.

Domestic violence is the ultimate paradox.

It is composed of actions and emotions that cannot possibly coexist.

Nothing matches.

It is inflicting and accepting pain for the very reasons that you’re not supposed to do that, or even want to.

Pure madness.

Domestic violence can’t be eradicated with bombs (please don’t let this separate irony escape you), or paid off, or treated with pills, or diagnosed (and treated with pills) – *yet.

And when I say diagnose I mean everybody in that equation.

Mark my words: there will be drugs for everybody. Drugs all around, it’s the American way. And when they’re mistakenly or intentionally switched between abuser and victim and there is no fucking difference, we will ignore that, too, invent new diagnoses and new drugs, write it into EEOC regulations and call it a disability under the ADA.

And it will be cool to have whatever they call that for awhile.

Nor do I buy the fallback “athletes are role models” excuse for the NFL’s reaction via some sweeping hollow “policy shift announcement” because frankly, our kids would never have even known what some of those guys were up to in the first place, if not for all this “video” uproar that those same white knights here to take a stand against domestic violence simply could not cover up, in the end anyway.

I’m not justifying whatever anybody may do if it hurts anybody else, and I think they should be punished for doing bad things, because we have LAWS in place making those things CRIMES.

I don’t think that women ever asked for it, know that some women are the aggressor and can the same meathead assholes that men more often are, and am not minimizing the terror of domestic violence.

Nobody who has had the briefest of encounters with it can do that with a straight face.

Almost all women have had a few horror movie moments, hiding somewhere in the dark praying they’re not found, not knowing if they’re overreacting but confident enough in their will to live that they stay so still that they can’t be heard breathing. or being followed around by someone who’s threatened them increasingly, and somehow always surfaces out of nowhere when they’re completely alone, or looking into their rear view mirror and before they realize they’re being followed, feel their hearts nearly leap out of their throats, or have seen the eyes of someone who suddenly wants to hurt them, the kind you look into and realize don’t see them back, don’t see anything, the blank kind there is no soul behind.

And we’ve all watched others we really love make excuses for somebody we thought was truly a monster, never knowing if we’d see them again when we parted ways, knowing they refused to acknowledge that we may not, and knowing there wasn’t a damn thing we could do about it.

Maybe everybody has some experience with those things, or been the monster and felt really bad about it. Or maybe even liked it; there’s probably nothing that can be done for that last group, and everyone should be protected from them.

THOSE guys are the only ones the mentality I’m so tired of seeing effectively handles, and the reality nobody wants to face- demonstrated perfectly by the NFL’s announcement- is that monsters like that, the ones you can’t ever reason with, because they just don’t feel empathy, and that’s not really their fault, though they are nonetheless truly dangerous- are very rare and usually do go to prison. Some might hold press conferences about the horrors of domestic violence. But I digress.

I do not apologize for my sheer irritation with this candle burning, hand holding, sob session mentality seen at “vigils” (you’re nobody if you haven’t been to many, many “vigils”) that only occur after people are murdered, when this was something you knew was coming sometimes for years and couldn’t seem to get through to- that lady- or worse, never even tried.

I am not sorry because it is very DISINGENUOUS.

I hope I’m not alone- and do not care if am- in being worn out worrying about how I will “look” if I just say I’m offended by all that touchy feely vigil shit not only because I don’t believe it is sincere, but because it hasn’t made one god damn difference.

I mean it’s like the fucking McCarthy era of sensitivity and nobody wants to be viewed as not caring about “victims”- and god forbid a mere suspicion is uttered that we think “she was asking for it” circulates.

I guess man hater is the new vegan, and that is precisely the problem.

Kind of makes me want to hit somebody.

And that would be wrong.

But because I am a female who has permission to say “I just want to fucking beat somebody’s face in,” maybe even break something once in awhile- DEFINITELY throw stuff- god that feels good- because sometimes you just need to do that (granted- females suffer a whole different set of consequences for talking and acting like that- “psycho bitch,” manic, pushy, bitch, dyke, butch…. But that is an altogether separate matter)),

I won’t hit anybody when I go on about how I want to because unlike the men around me, I get to say it, in as much sadistic detail as I want, and when I have that out of my system, I don’t want to anymore.

Either way, whether you think you can try to understand the guy clocking his wife or you hate him, and no matter how judgmental you are about why she stays, BOTH of them are being USED to help us AVOID the ugly reality that didn’t surface for the first time in some posh hotel elevator 1000 miles away, like some horrific extraordinary event.

There’s a difference between lifting the veil of secrecy and shame of domestic violence and shameless face-saving opportunism by rich people who’d like to stay that way and who knows, maybe even make a little more by “taking a stand” about what cannot be denied.

It gives the rest of us “normal” people the opportunity to believe those things don’t happen to people like “us.” Football is such a violent sport, I mean we never thought about it but it kind of does make sense, not to mention the pressure of the NFL, the media, the lights, the rat race to stay signed (look I hate football, I’m probably not using the right football words, though they are all bullshit)…

And that is kind of the problem.

The parent of any young person knows a current member of this difficult coin called domestic violence. Tonight some of our kids are going to assault someone else, because maybe we did it to somebody else and they watched, or we didn’t do anything about it when we were beat up and they watched.

Some of our kids are getting their asses kicked by someone who is bigger, stronger, and couldn’t possibly lose. Thinking about that makes me want to kill whoever that is. Fucking bullies.,

And we will never even know that happened, not for a long, long time. (My parents didn’t, and I didn’t know until much much later that it was happening to one of mine).

In the spirit of the American way, we have polarized this entire issue, and everybody has to “take a side.” Unlike guns or abortion, this one seems to be a no brainer. Which makes it so hard to “come out” about living with violence- whether you get hit, and certainly if you beat people up.

On that note, it might be hard to imagine not understanding how to run into the arms of the huuuuuge array of help out their for “victims.”

On their behalf, you lost them at “victim.”

They don’t think that’s what they are, they thought they were just people, like you- or at least that’s what you looked like to them, until you started acting all weird when they tried to just talk to somebody about stuff and made them feel like some cute homeless animal you could “foster” until you got them a “forever home.” I think they probably also want you to know that you would get a hell of a lot further if you would stop talking DOWN to them all the time like they’re CHILDREN, trying to run their entire LIVES, forcing them into every counseling program on Earth, under threat of CPS investigation like some freak scene family court remake of 1984, because just a reminder, they’ve seen more than you will ever be able to handle, straight faced and without reacting, I mean that just makes it worse; they have mastered the fine art of escape that would impress the most sophisticated of inmates, from what to hide, where to hide it, and when to execute the plan- and not by themselves, sometimes with tiny people that make noise because they don’t know any better, so they have backup plans B, C, and D- it’s Navy Seal shit, what they know and how to pull off, or they wouldn’t be standing in front of you while you treat them like a lost puppy. They also implore me to remind you that they didn’t kick their own asses and terrorize their kids, and that that’s kind of why they even have to talk to you, so get off your nonprofit high horse, blow out your stupid aromatherapy candles, shut the fuck up for a minute and just listen, idiots. They’ve kind of got some shit they’ve needed to talk about for a very long time. Finally, deal with it: they’re confused or they wouldn’t be here, hoping you can help them, but they still love those guys who drove them here, and a lot of those guys, as backwards as their thinking and actions might be, really love them.

I’m just sayin. On their behalf.

Domestic violence isn’t resolved with a press conference announcing the iron hand of intolerance for beating the hell out of other people at home.

It is a complex social issue, one we all contribute to whether we mean to or not, no matter how well intentioned.

It’s not a feel good topic that can be used to achieve social status by ranting about how wrong it is, or to promise eternal damnation to people who beat their wives, because sadly, if you lock that one up, those wives will find another one just like him, and everybody usually gets back out anyway.

There’s no magic bullet solution.

It is a state of mind.

It is a terrorizing, unpredictable way of life, for everybody involved, and all almost all of those involved loved each other at first, and many of them, despite the insanity of their actions and reactions, or mystifying lack thereof, still do.

Accept that addressing it is a lengthy, painful process for all concerned, and not a new law, or twenty laws, or a “blanket ban,” or a lump sum, or a pill will “fix” it.

It doesn’t get “fixed,” there is no “cure.”

And if you really care as much as you say you do, stop bragging about all the “vigils” you’ve been to, stop organizing them, stop holding press conferences and saying things no one on Earth could possibly disagree with (“hitting ladies is wrong and that’s all there is to it”- well, if only you’d told us that before, asshole), and learn a little HUMILITY.

Because the people you say you care so much about know a hell of a lot about humility, and they can detect self serving bullshit a mile away.

I’m not saying I have the solution.

I am saying that it is not this.