Cuba

I am going to Cuba (!) for 3 weeks on Wednesday. All paid for, not on credit; Boat is all paid for, for a year's berth; house is all paid for, a year's rent, some policies are paying up; my bank still like me; no jobs out there, but still applying; signed off with the depression thing; my children were there for me at the weekend, when I had one of these regular tropical fits; all I need is the love of a good woman. Any offer accepted.

3a.m.

 A Good Man

A Good Man

Who hates no-one and nothing

Except

Love itself

A burden that bears down upon his life.

A good man

Who hates no-one

Except the love, of his love,

Bury him, facing the sun,

For he was a good man.*

Wreckage

She walked out

It wasn't mutual, that love,

She knew better than he,

Despite her professions of love,

She still knew better,

She has her right,

She has her free will,

She will do her best,

Elsewhere.

A shame,

About the mess she left behind,

Wreckage strewn over the embankment

Reminders

Most of the reminders

of former love,

have gone,

Old cards, keepsakes.

Everything else

is abandoned, sold, disposed of,

decluttered, gone.

All that is left

is a phone number,

which is defended,

by work robots.

And therefore,

Useless.

It is cold,

In this new world.

Lost

When there was love

All was well

Now there is none

He is lost.

Friends, he has many,

Family, children.

All are wonderful.

But where?

Where?

Is the love of his life?

The Companion,

The One Who Is There Always?

 Nowhere. Gone.

"There was nobody there to meet him"*

Angel

I knew an Angel

She touched my heart

She held my hand

One day, she left,

And broke my heart

All washed up, abandoned.

* Jose Marti

*Sadie Jones

Flight

"The Unnamed Light": Quotes from 'Fireflies' by Rabindranath Tagore (1928)

Author: 

Compiled by Rev. Jan Thomas

Newsletter Issue: 

April 2009

1
I touch God in my song
as the hill touches the far-away sea
with its waterfall.

2
"Let me light my lamp," says the star,
"and never debate
if it will help to remove the darkness."

3
The flame met the earthen lamp in me,
and what a great marvel of light!

4
Between the shores of Me and Thee
there is the loud ocean, my own surging self,
which I long to cross.

5
Life sends up in blades of grass
its silent hymn of praise
to the unnamed Light.

6
The butterfly counts not months
but moments,
and has time enough.

7
Let my love, like sunlight,
surround you
and yet give you illumined freedom.

8
Birth is from
the mystery of night
into the greater mystery of day.

9
Faith is the bird that feels the light
and sings when the dawn is still dark.

10
My life's empty flute waits for its final music
like the primal darkness before the stars came out.

11
The world is the ever-changing foam
that floats on the surface of a sea of silence.

12
I leave no trace of wings in the air,
but I am glad I have had my flight.

13
Before the end of my journey
may I reach within myself
the one which is the all,
leaving the outer shell
to float away with the drifting multitude
upon the current of chance and change.

14
When death comes and whispers to me,
"Thy days are ended,"
let me say to him, "I have lived in love
and not in mere time."
He will ask, "Will thy songs remain?"
I shall say, "I know not, but this I know
that often when I sang I found my eternity." 

------------

SOURCE: Fireflies, by Rabindranath Tagore,
The Macmillan Co, 1928 / Rupa & Co., 2002

It's a House, but it's Flat

Fenland is flat, as we know. But I have a new house.
I was visited by mother and sister yesterday. I think they thought I would be living in a grotty hovel, surrounded by empty bottles, but I hope I proved them wrong:

They brought me new duvet and sheets as a housewarming. They even match my lamp!

The paintings my daughter did for me came with them too (rented house, existing holes only!)

It is a very small house, but there is a little storage in wardrobes, and a shed for my bike (amazing how there is always a headwind, whichever way you ride!). Massive decluttering: a trip a day to the charity shop, and more to follow. Who needs all the stuff from a 14 room house with 2 adults and 3 kids, to a house for one lonely, sad bloke?
And a kitchen suitable for one.

.
I spent the day signing on in Wisbech, clearing the bedding out of my boat for the winter, dealing with all the post my mother brought up (all those address changes and complaints about cancelled direct debits!) and applying for jobs. I think I have my act together, even though I dont know how I ended up here (well, I do, it is where my boat is, thanks to my temporary accomodation in Suffolk for 8 months, turning into 3 weeks), but in the meantime, March is where we are. Paid for a year and still good with the bank. AND my great neice lives here, my aunt, cousin, sister, and oldest friend are all 4 stops on the train away.

Day Off

I was tired of unpacking and decluttering (est 21 boxes, mainly books, left) so I said "Soddit" and took the ship up the river.

You can't see the (flat) landscape because of the banks (this is Fenland!)but you can see the river, the HUGE sky and the remnants of World War 2.

Absolutely beautiful. The breeze was so strong that several times I had to put Belle Chance into reverse to get the bow over. Yoghurt Pots! Back at March I needed 2 guys to rescue me because the wind took the bow as I was trying to moor.


I feel very strange and floaty but I need more sleep, to get the prosecution over with, and to get a job (interest already!). New place, new life, and maybe a new partner (one day)

Had to be done

I have been meaning to photograph this for ages. The shop is pink too!

Bonne Chance And New Home

And so we we have moved.

Not a bad place, people are friendly, FOUND home not far from la belle Bonne Chance and looking for job.

Happy is as happy must.
Must learn to stop crying at Beatte and my daughter and my ex wife.
My car wouldnt start cos parked on grass, by new boat mooring, so walked up the bypass to the shop: my visiting sister saw me 15 miles off cos she recognised my gait. Now there's a thing: I must practice my walking!

Horny Handed Son of the Soil

Better than being a transport planner. Sometimes, life

serves you a shit sandwich with a diamond side dish. Work in progress.I even spoke to my family today. Seems they have patience with me.

Past and Future

I know what a broken heart is and cry over it every day
I know vulnerable
I know the love of my children
I have flown a plane
I have been to the North Pole
I have been to South America and all over
I have a boat and have lived in castle
I know right from wrong
I know what cruelty is but would never do it
I can make decisions
I can roof a stable
I know what it is like to be roofless and homeless
I know who my friends are
I know when to be thankful for what I have
AND has played in a Folk Band
And I is in Cuba for Christmas
in a broken dream
And In The Future:
I will go into Space
Travel the Trans-Siberian Express and get to Australia
Have a sister and mother who will call ME sometime
I will be a poet or an artist
I will learn a trade
Will get to to the South Pole
Help others where I can
I will find an angel who will touch the back of my hand when I need it

Anger

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UqKnq47iRQ
Thank you Beatte!
That cleared the cobwebs!
I talk shit, repeat myself to Jo, forget things, have shelter. Fucking stressed but hey?  I am a wreck but have realised I can do it: new start, new projects, new structure, and realising I do not have to cry every day' Shit sandwich  of 2011 sprinkled with broken glass of the prosecution
M is my fault, I have just realised, but hey! she has made herself dead to me, and did me over with friends and family which is bizarre behaviour. And who used to bring her wine every night?. Who got cuddled every night? She hated me after my behaviour wasnt conformist enough eg VZ, Spitsbergen, getting fired . Who leaves, after no discussion, and cannot face up to what they have fucking done? Ah, that would be M then. I am apparently on the Road Less Travelled and am finding some new companionship(That is all!) in Suffolk. Perhaps it was Devon's fault!  I will be so decluttering the utter shit I exported from my ex-house shortly. Will be learning some new trades soon eg roofer, poet, artist. Kunstler, mit beutel, mit mappe. I made a new friend called Andrew the other night, and a rubbish fly, also called Andrew and I have a place of refuge which is a stable we will convert next week with the help of Seb, the next new friend I have made in friendly Suffolk. Non-conformism is a thing accepted here.

One day or another
One way or another
We get it back

Today I got it back
In a good way.
Bigtime.

Shit happens
Good happens
Crying happens
No complaining

Ha!

I, for one
Am on the side of
Good
Fucking happens

For once

Bideford

Pub 1 : No food today. Also impenetrable accent
Pub 2: Vegetarian? Nope
Pub 3: It is after 3pm (in spite of All Day sign)
Cafe: sorry we dont take plastic
But Wilko is a genius
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPRP0gdS95A

Whoops!

Individuals who have experienced a traumatic event oftentimes suffer psychological stress related to the incident. In most instances, these are normal reactions to abnormal situations. Individuals who feel they are unable to regain control of their lives, or who experience the following symptoms for more than a month, should consider seeking outside professional mental health assistance. The American Red Cross is now working with mental health professionals trained in trauma. For information or areferral, contact the local American Red Cross chapter or the American Psychological Association at 202/336-5800.

• Recurring thoughts or nightmares about the event.
• Having trouble sleeping or changes in appetite.
• Experiencing anxiety and fear, especially when exposed to events or situations reminiscent of the trauma.
• Being on edge, being easily startled or becoming overly alert.
• Feeling depressed, sad and having low energy.
• Experiencing memory problems including difficulty in remembering aspects of the trauma.
• Feeling "scattered" and unable to focus on work or daily activities. Having difficulty making decisions.
• Feeling irritable, easily agitated, or angry and resentful.
• Feeling emotionally "numb", withdrawn, disconnected or different from others.
• Spontaneously crying, feeling a sense of despair and hopelessness.
• Feeling extremely protective of, or fearful for, the safety of loved ones.
• Not being able to face certain aspects of the trauma, and avoiding activities, places, or even people that remind you of the event.

Thanks to my friends and esp Beatte, Holly, Lee and Jo, I am seeing this and coping

Chance Would Be a Fine Thing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mE1dX8WiaI

That is All. Off to Suffolk, wherever that is

In a Broken Dream

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VK1OSN8QZ5QAll packed, ready to go. castle awaiting (oh I so love my ex wife's generosity) and I will work for it. My ship is booked to be uplifted, scrubbed and transported to Cambridgeshire (wherever that is). I will also get scrubbed before moving to Suffolk. Tears, tears, tears. Bye lovely daughter, see you soon, and I will always do my best for you.

bristol graffiti

I cannot admit to any responsibility for this

From Shitehawks and Fish to Pigs and Sugar Beet And New Place of Abode

On Wednesday, I drove with Lee 400 miles non-stop to farthest Suffolk, and then an hour and a half with Lee and my ex-wife (and mother of my children) stacking the stuff into two (clean, dry) stables, several miles from her house at her rural studio. I am not only invited to store my stuff there in the medium term, but I am invited to stay for as long as I need to stay in my ex's and her husbands house (I wont be their first waif and stray). Obviously not many people are invited to stay in an actual castle with walls and a moat (but no drawbridge;-(




It is also so rural that there are few roadsigns and even the locals sometimes get lost. In the cold windy bleakness of last night I wondered what I had done. But today dawned brightly. A new life awaits: part time job, travel, cycling, helping my host with her business (have even applied for a non-exec directorship in the vicinity
But it has been a Shit Year in many respects: Lost my love (still cry over her everyday, wherever she is); lost my job; and now my house. As for being prosecuted for assault with a deadly whistle: that was the sprinkling of glass on the shit sandwich. Have lost a shedload of so-called friends (see above re my lost love)
HOWEVER: I have been to Spitsbergen, I have been to Berlin and the Sudtirol and have paid a deposit on a working Christmas in CUBA. I should make a decent profit on the house (enough for a boat, a small flat, or a caravan and have been offered a rural hard-standing for it). Am planning Trans-Siberian Railway and onto Australia. I have been offered a wonderful place to stay. I have cut my expenses massively. AND I HAVE WONDERFUL FRIENDS. You know who you are

All Packed

Five and a half hours, start to finish. Thanks to my daughter and her lovely partner. Truck packed and ready to go. Completion put back a week, but heyho, another week in Teignmouth, and another pub quiz next week. Have spoken to my ex, mother of our children, as to where my stuff is going. A place to stay and a place to store. She has offered me a share in a business venture (I can do transport and intramaweb stuff for her, so I wont be sponging).That is sounding a real positive.

In between all of that I have booked Christmas in Cuba. Yep.
I am tearful and sad to leave, but I suppose I have to move on, like we all have to sometimes. Mellie still puts the phone down on me, no discussion after 6 months. Oh well, I love her still. Idiot.

Small Town

I was out at 7.30 this morning, in urgent need of breakfast comestibles before the supermarket opened. I saw 3 people only and I knew all of them from the pub. Later I saw my daughter from my back window, parking in the supermarket. We waved. A few minutes later she rang me as she had locked her keys in my car (that she has had for 6 months). We met at the Post Office and she took my car key. As I left the Post Office, and walked past the Estate Agent, James came out and asked me back in (accosted in the street by an estate agent!) to explain the delay on exchanging contracts. Leaving there, I waved to Dean and Becky, who work at the taxi office (and were also at the pub last night). God, I will miss this place.
Next up: "Of No Fixed Abode" except I can stay at my Ex's (which is kind of her). She has a castle (with walls and a moat and towers and everything). As I am officially an Aristocrat (Lord Young of Tattingstone doncha know: it cost me 25 quid) I believe a castle is all that I deserve. I may be off the intramaweb for some little time

Unnecessary

I had my mother down yesterday. She was so bloody miserable in the name of "so worried about you", I told her to leave. Never done that before, which in itself should indicate to her that I am in control of my own life, have a new self-confidence, and off the rubbish Venlafaxine. She stayed in a nearby hotel but forgot her handbag. It is hard enough having no job and no woman, and being in the last stages of selling my house, without her being so negative. Enough of that. Onwards and Upwards! For the first time(?) I am in charge.
All is packed, I have a place to go, have foolishly only just decided where I would like to live, but that is unimportant. I have a date on Monday, so all could change.

Job App

So I was trying to apply online for a rather interesting job: a Non Executive Director of a certain well-established polar research establishment (I have frostbite in all my fingers, so that is at least an initial qualification). All the other posts had "Apply Online" but not this one. Intrigued, I rang them up to enquire whether this was an error, or deliberate policy. They swiftly rang back to stay that only applications in writing were accepted and would I like a form, to which I replied "yes please". Form in the post. You don't get, if you don't ask. At least it is a start.

Another Poor Effort

I love a woman
She knew
but cast it off
Now I am lost
Alone at sea
I hope
I hope
That at least she finds her destiny
(And is happy)

In Honour of Henry

Was invited to a concert at the Community College tonight: daughter's daughter playing violin. It is 300 yards and well trodden by the teenage pupils. I picked up an armload of bottles, fag packets, Subway polysterene. The usual stuff that they drop. I put it outside the Skool reception, to make a point.
A minute or 2 later, I was accosted by the Head and a teecher, and given a right going over. "No right", "how do you know it is children from this skool?"("Well, it is the only one between my house and the Skool") "Why not put it in a bin?" ("What? like your pupils do?"). "Don't say "Fucking"! (I is adult , bloody cheek!) Generally very angry and threatening. As if between town and skool there any young people (Old people zone), so who else is it going to be? I seem to attract this. I ended up putting the shit in a bin and chatted friendily with the teecher after I left (early, of course, to avoid the police). He was OK. The kids will have a talking to, I suspect
Official Parish Nuisance? Can I have a certificate?

Cat Lunch

Why the heck does my one remaining cat think there is a cat lunchtime? There has never been one before. Everyday around lunchtime it is "Mee, Meee, Mee". No amount of telling her to bugger off will stop her. Ridiculous creature.

Wearing a Suit and Tie

Impresses the Magistrate
Ideal for funerals
People move over on pavements
A babe magnet
Apart from that, I haven't got much use for it at present

Apples

In the valley
Between the mountains
There are apples, growing like vines
More abundance than can be imagined
We lingered there and tasted the fruit
Forbidden, but amongst that abundance
There can be nothing forbidden
And god is close.

Court and Support

I assume it is fairly common knowledge that I am appearing in court next week, charged with Assault and Possession of a deadly Weapon. Yep, me. Little old Andy. Grandad, parent, prospective councillor, gentle person, who has never had a fight in his life. Everyone I have spoken to has ridiculed the whole idea, but there it is. I am caught up in this Kafkaesque system. For blowing a whistle at a child who randomly kicked me (at Cropredy Festival), and for having my boatknife on my belt (everyone who has a boat has a knife like that. It was habitual for me). This has been the month of hell. Thank you all who expressed support, humorous or serious. A friend in need is a friend indeed.

Relationships

Mothers aren't there to understand you, just to bollock you
Wives/partners are there to understand you, and when they do, they get rid,
Children are critical or unconditional, but they can't get rid (haha)
Friends can cope
But in the end, it is down to yourself
Bollox.

Vomit

Once a month or so, I forget to take my small blue pill. This results in 24 hours of vomitting (even water), exhaustion and cold sweats, lack of sleep, deleriousness.
However, I can vomit into toilets (moving on trains, or stationary);sinks (kitchen or bath rooms); litter bins (horizontal or vertical); my hand; whilst driving; whislt steering my boat. All without leaving a mark on the side. Am not sure that this is a useful skill.
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/meds/a694020.html#if-i-forget

That is All

Cashmere

Austria

After Berlin, I caught the train to Salzburg, via Leipzig

and Munchen to visit my old au-pair, who now has 4 children of her own. Unfortunately she was on holiday in the Sudtirol, but I was magnificently entertained by her boyfriend and his children.

The next day, Helmut drove me to Salzburg from where I spent 5 hours travelling to Meran/Merano in North Italy/Sudtirol via Innsbruck (where I left my luggage at the hotel).

Petra met me at the station, bought me lunch and took me for a sweaty walk up the Panoramaweg, which is about a million feet above the town.

What a pleasure it was to see her after all these years. Like any old friend, we took up where we left off.

In the evening, I returned to Innsbruck on one of those magnificent Austrian trains with drop down windows, ideal for a sneaky ciggie. "You vont be smoking again, vill you sir?"

A night spent in the Innsbruck Ibis and a return to my boat in Bristol via Basel, Paris (TGV), London (Eurostar) arrival 01.30 the next day. In Basel I was stupid enough to leave my suitcase in an unlocked locker while I went to find some Swiss Francs. When I returned, the locker was locked. Upon being opened by the attendant, someone else's luggage was therein and mine was nowhere to be seen, despite looking in the surrounding lockers. Oh well, travelling light and leaving physical and mental baggage behind is no bad thing.

Even better, Swiss Railways have written to me, to tell me that they have found my case and for a shipping fee, will send it back. What state it will be in, I don't know. Insurance claim is on hold. I hope the yoghurt drink isnt still in there, but I have high hopes for my dirty washing and my souvenirs and presents for the children.

1943

H.M. EMBASSY
MOSCOW

Lord Pembroke
The Foreign Office
London

6th April 1943

My Dear Reggie,

In these dark days man tends to look for little shafts of light that spill from Heaven. My days are probably darker than yours, and I need, my God I do, all the light I can get. But I am a decent fellow, and I do not want to be mean and selfish about what little brightness is shed upon me from time to time. So I propose to share with you a tiny flash that has illuminated my sombre life and tell you that God has given me a new Turkish colleague whose card tells me that he is called Mustapha Kunt.

We all feel like that, Reggie, now and then, especially when Spring is upon us, but few of us would care to put it on our cards. It takes a Turk to do that.

(Signed)

Sir Archibald Clerk Kerr,
H.M. Ambassador.

Spiritual Journey

Back last Saturday I had a blind date in Bournemouth. It didnt really work out but we had a lovely time in Bournemouth and Boscombe. Walking back to the station I started feeling queasy and spent the journey to Waterloo and beyond chucking up. Checked in at St Pancras for

Eurostar only to collapse, vomitting, at the entrance. First Aid called the ambulance and I was whisked away to UCLH to be jabbed full of holes, much retching and a thorough going over. Released after 3 hours (bile is very green), rebooked Eurostar ("Oh its the man with the ambulance!") and collapsed for a sleepless night in a nearby Novotel.



Much later, on Sunday, I arrived in Berlin, and was rescued by my friend B, who took me to her apartment for a beer, coffee and recovery food. Three days of Berlin: Museums,

Lakes

(The most beautiful place), staying up until 5am and counselling. Used a <a href="http://www.meditationsuk.com/meditation_machines/laxman.htm?gclid=CPuTpp_NwqoCFYgf4QodIwi45w">Laxman</a> .Did well at The Game. Held hands. Had supper at the Fernsehturm.

Whoosh. What a time.Thanks Berlin, and thanks B.Bye bye baggage. Now is now, then was then.

Entertainment

While sitting in the pub(!) yesterday, we heard a loud, long, horn-blast. All eyes turned to the CCTV screen, which showed this bus
unable to pass this idiotically parked car. It was showing a blue badge (of course), but there was no sign of the driver. The bus soon emptied of passengers while the bus driver phoned the police. After about 20 minutes (all too soon as far as lunch-time entertainment was concerned) the offending driver turned up and slunk off shamefacedly. Blue badges are all very well, but all too often people take the piss. Causing an obstruction is one of them.