Lilia Is 1 Year Old

Well it happened again.  Time flew right before my eyes and I didn't even see it go.  I hate when that happens!  It has been a year (and then some now) since our baby girl was born into this world, and what a year it has been.  We feel so blessed to have her.  She brings such a sweet, tender spirit into our home, and I couldn't love her more. 

We celebrated in McCarter fashion by first starting the day with singing "Happy Birthday" and then having waffles with strawberries and cream.  Lilia only hesitated a second before diving in.  She actually made less of a mess than I thought she would, but there was no doubt she enjoyed it thoroughly. 

Notice her fingers...They are crossed :)

Her birthday was on a Wednesday this year, so we waited to have her birthday on Saturday.  It was a lovely party with close friends and family.  I wanted it to be a huge event because to me it was more than just a celebration of her first year, it was a celebration of her continued health and her strength.  In the end, it ended up being smaller than what I had pictured, but I realized that was exactly what I had wanted all along.  I made her a chocolate cake with bright pink frosting.  Again, she only hesitated a second, but once she got that first taste of frosting she needed no more prompting.  In she went.  Quite literally.  I have to say, she was WAY more into the cake than Aubin was and made a much bigger mess, but that didn't surprise me.  She is a curious little bugger and gets into everything she can!  Lucky for her, today was her day, and she had a little cake all to herself.  The pictures are really all you need.  It was hilarious.

Here are some fun facts about Lilia:

• She constantly crosses her fingers on her right hand.  I don't know why, but she has done this for quite some time now, and it's one of the cutest things I ever did see.
• She can sign "more", "milk, "baby" and "eat."
• She has a sweet tooth. I knew it was there before, but boy have we awakened the beast with her cake!
• She is starting to be more social all the time and her big boisterous brother may just be starting to rub off on her.
• She is sleeping 6 hours at a time most nights now!  Sometimes even more.  I'm likin' it.
• She LOVES dolls and babies!
• She is starting to really ham things up and loves to make what we call "the cheesy" face.  She scrunches up her nose and her eyes and does a big cheesy grin.  Love it!
• She loves to snuggle and especially lay her head/cheek against yours.  It's the sweetest thing and just melts our hearts every time.
• She took her first steps on 10/15/2011.  She's been on the go ever since!

There's loads more I would like to share, but since I'm pretty sure 50 pages is a bit excessive, I'll spare you all ;) 

Lilia, my dear sweet girl, I love you more than words could ever express.  You make our lives full of joy, hope, and peace.  Thank you so much for choosing to be our daughter.

We're Still Here

So yeah.  I'm pretty much impossibly behind, but such is life.  I can't sleep tonight for some reason, and I have been meaning to update the blog for a while... So here I am.  I'll try to blog and post some more in depth posts soon, but for now, here's what's been going on.

Lilia turned 1!  Can you believe that?  I can't.  Of course, you wouldn't know it from looking at her.  Now that she's 1 year old she can: walk, say several words, laugh, sign words, and she's even getting close to laughing.  She's going to laugh someday by golly!

We celebrated Halloween.  Aubin was Kung Fu Panda (or Po) and impressed everyone with his super Kung Fu moves.  This year was our favorite yet as Aubin mastered the "(knock) Trick-or-treat! (Hold bucket out for candy) thank you.  Happy Halloween!"  Chris and I couldn't get enough of it.  Lilia was a ladybug and was cute as can be.  We especially enjoyed the fact that she could walk around a little.  And lastly, we had my brother, Ian, and his family over for dinner and the whole night of events.  Brighton, my nephew, was dressed as Tigger and adorable too.  We love having them over, and since Brighton and Lilia are only 2 months apart, we always have lots of fun watching them interact with each other.

We celebrated Thanksgiving.  Chris was working all day Thanksgiving day... We thought.  At the last minute Wednesday night, he decided to call and check since I made a comment about how it would sure stink to drive up there and find out he didn't have to be there... Sure enough, he had the day off.  So that was a nice surprise!  It was a small gathering with us, my in-laws and my father in-law's brother and his wife.  Small, but delicious.  We then went and visited Chris' dad's side of the family for a bit.  It was a pretty low-key day, and I didn't mind it at all.  I was even able to get all my dishes done the morning of without too much stress.  It was truly a day to reflect and be thankful.  It's been kind of a crazy year for us, and I'm just so grateful for all the many blessings we've had.  More on that later ;)

So that pretty much brings us to now.  We just got our Christmas tree tonight, and Aubin can hardly wait to decorate it.  It smells GLORIOUS!   I love Christmas so much, and I had lots of fun decorating our house with the kids today while Chris was at work.  Chris for sure enjoyed coming home to a house full of Christmas!  We're slowly but surely checking off our Christmas shopping lists (don't know why I'm saying we... Let's be honest, I'm the one doing the shopping!).  I know Christmas is going to come and go faster than I'm prepared for, so I'm trying to get stuff done when I need to, and sit down and enjoy things when I don't.  So far so good :)

As far as Lilia is concerned, we had a check-up appointment with her cardiologist the day before Thanksgiving.  I had been kind of anxious for this appointment and was really eager to go in and find out how things were going.  Sure enough, things aren't going so great.  I didn't really feel surprised.  I'm starting to realise more and more that when I have a feeling about my kids, I'm usually right.  Anyways, the blood pressure in her VSD (the hole) is good still, but now there is so much blood flow to the left side of her heart that it is beginning to get bigger.  Bigger in a bad way.  Her cardiologist is worried that the pressure will increase and cause blood to back flow into her lungs and create problems.  She's already got heart problems, so we really don't want to add lungs to the list.  He wanted to schedule her for surgery right then and there.  You can imagine I was kind of freaked out.  It's a fine line we are walking because we don't want to do surgery unnecessarily, obviously, but at the same time we don't want to wait too long and allow windows of opportunity for more complications to arise.  So, one matter for sure needed to be addressed.  Her weight. 

Lilia got sick Halloween night with a stomach virus and it took the poor thing two weeks to kick it.  When she gets sick, it takes her 3 to 4 times longer to work through it than an average person.  During that time she would hardly eat anything.  I'm talking, I could maybe get her to eat the equivalent of 1/4 c. of Cheerios in a whole day.  And maybe 3-4 bottles.  I was terribly distressed and was trying everything to get her to eat, but she just didn't want anything.  When she finally did get her appetite back I was so relieved, but even now, she doesn't eat as much as she did before she got the virus.  So,  at her check-up she had only gained 4 oz. since her last appointment 3 months ago.  Her weight was so low it was off the charts for her age, and her length put her in only the 1%-ile.  Yikes!  Her cardiologist was very concerned because at this point, with how hard her heart is working, he said it's basically like she is jogging all the time.  Even when she is sleeping.  She is burning through calories like crazy and not taking many in to begin with.  Furthermore, she is walking now.  Which is adding to the problem.  So we have one month to try and fatten her up.  The extra weight is for two things.  A- he wants to see if her weight has any effect on her heart and how it is circulating.  B-  If she does have surgery, which is looking extremely likely, he wants her to be as healthy and robust as possible.  So I said "deal!"  I get one month to pump her full of calories, and then we check back in.  For now we are pretty much letting her eat what she wants, unless it's full of salt or pure fat, and she gets Pediasure and/or Carnation Breakfast powder added to her bottles during the day.  She hasn't had a problem with the whole chocolate milk thing :) 

That's where we stand.  I surely don't want her to get surgery, but I also want what's best for her.  I can feel how hard her heart is working, and if closing the VSD will help, than I just pray that everything goes as planned.  There are risks to the surgery.  As I said before, it would be open heart surgery.  Beyond the normal risks of such surgery, there is also added risk because in order to access the VSD to shut it, they have to go through and around her tricuspid valve.  Ya know, the one that's displaced because of her Ebstein's and super sensitive and we don't want to touch unless we absolutely, positively, completely have to?  Yeah.  It's that one.  The good thing is that I know the surgeon's at PCMC are amazing.  They are first rate and have loads of experience.  They even have a lot of experience with Ebstein's which can be hard to find.  All I can do is my part.  Love her, cherish her, hug her, pray for her, and FEED HER!  We're just praying for whatever is best for her.  I'll keep you all updated.  If she does have the surgery, it will be very soon.  There are some other things we'll have to verify and test her for beforehand, but it sounds like he wants to get this taken care of ASAP.  No waiting till after winter and flu season.  So I'll let you know.

Thank you so much to all of you who follow us and Lilia and offer your support and prayers.  I couldn't be the mom I need to be without you.  I'm scared.  Very scared.  She's my baby and the thought of her having open heart surgery is almost more than I can bare, but I also have faith and feel comfort.  Much of that comfort is from you, so thank you.  She may be little, but she's a tough little thing and she came into this world by overcoming many, and by no means small, obstacles.  I know she can do it again and will continue to.  Most importantly of all, I know God is watching over her and has a plan for her.  That is the greatest comfort of all.

Lilia Sweetheart: An Update

Yesterday, the 22nd, was Lilia's big cardio appointment.  I am sorry to say it didn't go quite as well as I was hoping.  But it could always be worse too, so we'll take what we get and count our blessings!  Anyways, so the hole in her heart, VSD, has not improved.  The situation has actually gotten worse as the volume of blood passing through the hole has increased, but the pressure has decreased.  This means that the hole is not closing up on it's own and is also making the right side of her heart (the side that is quite larger than it should be due to the Ebstein's) work much harder than it already was.  Furthermore, her ribs are slightly pulling in when she breathes which means her lungs are working hard to keep up too.  Not good things.  This explains why the sweet darling sweats like crazy when she drinks and falls asleep.  Her body is working hard to keep up with things. 

So what does this mean?  It means that we are going to try her on a diuretic for the next month and pray that this will relieve some of the burden of her heart and lungs so that, hopefully, her heart can work on repairing that hole.  At our visit in April, her heart was about .5" larger than it should have been, and at this visit her liver was a bit enlarged as well, and hopefully the diuretic will relieve the extra load those organs have had. So no surgery for sure just yet, but if nothing improves, then surgery is a go.  The Dr. intimated that if there is some improvement, we might be able to keep her on the diuretic for another month and see if her heart continues to improve and repair itself. 

In a month we are returning to PCM and this time they are going to do a sedated (shudder, breathe... ok) 3D echo.  Even though I really don't want her to have a sedated echo, mostly because I don't really feel prepared to watch my baby girl hooked up to an IV (again!) and lay there lifeless before me, I am grateful that they are doing it at her next appointment rather than waiting to see what the regular echo shows.  The 3D echo will enable them to get a more complete view of her heart so they can have as much information possible to make a decision about surgery.  At first the Dr. was going to wait to see the echo next time and then maybe schedule a 3D echo, but thankfully he decided to just go ahead and do it so we aren't prolonging the process any more than we have to.  After all, if things don't improve, we want to give her tiny little body some help and relief as soon as possible.  Even if her heart doesn't repair the hole, I'm hoping that the diuretic will at least give her heart and lungs some rest, and Lilia some relief too. 

I was able to ask the Dr. some more in depth questions about he surgery if it goes forward.  It will be full open heart surgery.  She will be placed on a heart and lung bypass machine.  Scary stuff to think about.  "Overwhelmed" doesn't even begin to describe it.  I had a myriad of emotions yesterday as I reflected on the situation and all the information the Dr. and I discussed.  Even though I'm scared, emotional, and a little bit down about her not getting better, I do feel that things will be okay.  I do know that God is in charge and is keeping watch over Lilia.  I do know that He will continue to bless our baby girl.  And who knows? Perhaps surgery is the real blessing.  It could be possible that surgery is what she really needs.  My prayer is that Lilia will get the care she needs, whatever that care may be.

So in the midst of all the heavy, here was the good about her appointment yesterday.  She was great for all of her tests.  The nurse said she was the best 9 month old she had ever seen for the O2 sets and EKG.  She was wonderful for her echo as well.  I had to sing to her a few times to keep her from getting too anxious, but as soon as I began to sing she was still and cooperative.  She was so good that the tech gave her the soft fleece blanket he laid out for her during the procedure.  So sweet.  Also, she was absolutely hilarious as we waited to see if the tech was able to get all the images necessary.  She was playing with the backs of the EKG stickers, and cracking me up!  She thought they were the neatest things ever.  I'd never seen her so enthusiastic and playful before.  Such a sweet relief for me with my own heavy heart and anxious spirit.  She was almost asleep on my shoulder when we finally got to see the Cardiologist, and this was good because he was able to observe her in a relaxed state and was able to clearly examine his points of interest without fuss from her.  It was nicer for all of us :)  Also, the Dr. was very happy with her chubby cheeks and legs!  Lilia has been eating very well, and outwardly she is looking just as a baby should.  She is small for her age, but has a good amount of fat now and that's what we want. She is such a blessing in every way.  I love her so much!

So the wait is still on, but we'll continue to hope an pray that no matter the outcome, Lilia will get the care she needs and will be healthy and happy. 

Many sincere thanks to all who have kept our family, and most especially Lilia, in their prayers.  We feel the love and comfort from these prayers and know they do not go unanswered.  "(Our) cup runneth over."  Thank you.

Sweet, Funny Boy Aubin

Life has been busy!  I have all these things I want to blog, but I seem to have a hard time fitting it in.  Between two kids, a busy hubby, a house, church and a growing photography business, blogging time is nearly extinct!  So before I forget, here are a few recent funny stories, brought to you courtesy of our sweet boy Aubin :)

• Several weeks ago, I thought it would be fun to see if Aubin had been singing the "Sunbeam" song in Primary at Church.  He's been in Primary for a little over a month, so I figured he's probably heard it at leas once, and it was always one of my favorites.  I asked him and in usual Aubin fashion, he looked around hoping that an answer would come to him.  Instead of waiting further, I began to sing the song for him.  After several minutes passed, Chris and I were singin' our hearts out rather irreverently.  Aubin thought it was great though and pretty soon he was singing along with us.  After finishing a round, Aubin burst into maniacal laughter: "a-ha-ha-ha!  I LOVE it!"  Chris and I practically fell of the couch laughing.  It's impossible to emulate the manner in which he said this over the computer, but you can take my word that it was HILARIOUS!  We'd never hear him say the phrase "I love it" ever before, and with the crazy laughter before it was priceless.  Needless to say, he's a fan of the "Sunbeam" tune now.
• Since Lilia is beginning to get bigger and smarter, and more attentive, etc... We have begun revisiting the baby signing.  We have specifically been watching the "Baby Signing Time" DVD.  It's been interesting and funny to see how Aubin has been re-absorbing some of the signs we used to use and others too.  For example, the other day I asked Aubin to go potty.  He didn't want to.  I told him to go!  As he bounced away on his tippy toes he yelled "No!  Aalllllllir done" while shaking his hands in the air (which is the sign for all done).  I had to work so hard to not laugh out loud!  Then, another morning Aubin told me "I like some j.... (something I couldn't understand)."  It took me a few tries before I finally figured out he was saying "I like some j for juice!"  Again, so funny because the sign for juice is taking your pinkie and swoopin it like a "j" and they explain it saying "j for juice."  It's been weeks now and Aubin hasn't asked for juice any other way!
• Aubin has been on a kick lately and often when we say "Aubin, I love you!"  He replies with something like "you're SO crazy" or "you're SO funny!"  He pulled a new one out today when I said "you're so cute" and he responded "you're SO mommy!"  Ha!  Why yes I am. :)
• Tonight we had dinner at my brother, Ian's, house.  Ian and Aubin are pretty much like two peas in a pod in the comedy and play area.  They can't get enough of each other... most of the time.  Imagine Ian's surprise tonight when upon tickling Aubin, he recieved no response of laughter.  Ian asked Aubin "hey, where's the reaction?"  To which Aubin responded, while he looked to the side and pointed to the air next to him, "it's right there!"  Where does he come up with this stuff?
• Chris has been on a mission to get Aubin to brush his teeth by himself.  While he understands we will still have to brush Aubin's teeth for a while yet to ensure it's being done effectively, he still wants Aubin to be able to do himself.  So at bedtime the other night Chris told Aubin to go brush his teeth.  Aubin ran without a fuss into the bathroom (he doesn't mind the independence of brushing his own teeth either), and was in there for several minutes before I went to check on him and finish the job.  I walked in and instantly knew something wasn't right.  Aubin had bubbles all over his mouth and down his bare chest.  I grabbed the brush, examined it, and then smelt it.  Yep.  Not right.  He had been brushing his teeth with hand soap.  That explained the grimace on Aubin's face and the following yaks and spits.  Lol!  I guess threatening to wash his mouth out with soap wouldn't really be that much of a threat!  The poor spit into the sink several times, face squished in dismay as if to say "I thought something tasted funny!"
• And lastly, but not actually since I'm sure there will be more to come, when we were driving home today I queued up the ipod so we could jam out in the car as usual.  One of Duffy's new songs "well, well, well" came on and I just wasn't sure that was what I was looking for, so I skipped it.  Keep in mind, Aubin had never heard this song before.  Upon skipping Aubin began to cry out "no! Sing song!  Need wew, wew, wew!"  Umm... Who knew that song was so important to him?  I quickly changed it back when I discovered how I offended my dear music lover and he instantly smiled and began to sing along.  Aubin is very particular about his pop hits.  He knows what he likes (don't mess with him and Lady Gaga!).  For all of you out there appalled at discovering Aubin listens to Lady Gaga, Duffy, etc...  Put your mind at rest.  He loves his classical too, and right after Duffy we happily sang along to "B-A Bay"  by the Limelighters.  It's a fun song combining consonants and vowels.  With parents like us, it's an unavoidable certainty he will have eclectic taste in music. And we like that ;)

Oh my dear, sweet boy.  If life with you isn't fun, I don't know what is!  You keep me on my toes, sometimes not in the happiest of ways, but I wouldn't change a thing about you.  I "wuh" you to pieces Aubs!

8 Months. Oh My!

I can't believe my baby girl is already 8 months old.  8 months (plus some, because this is late)!  That's just 4 months away from a year.  Oh my gosh!  I don't think words can every really accurately portray the love, amazement, and gratitude you have for your children.  Needless to say, I love her to pieces.  What a blessing she is in our lives, and what an adventure!  Here are some things about miss Lilia at 8 months:

• She is still TINY!  I know there are smaller out there, but to me... compared to her brother... she is itty-bitty.  She's maybe 14 lbs now.  Maybe.  At 8 months she still wears many 0-3 month clothes.  The ones she doesn't fit is because of length... She's not too chubby for anything!  I thought she was on her way out of the 0-3 months, but not quite yet.  However, I still have her wear many 3-6 month clothes, they are just usually a bit big for her.  And... she still wears newborn shoes.  Any bigger and they just fall right off. 
• She has a tooth!  Her bottom, front, left (her left) tooth finally cut through on 5-25.  It was an exciting day!  And the one right next to it is going to cut through any day.  It's always a bit sad to see them get their teeth because you miss that gummy smile, but it's nice for them to not be in so much pain.  Plus, c'mon, teeny tiny teeth are cute too!
• She sits up SUPER straight.  We were at her pediatrician's office the other day getting her little ticker checked on, and he said he had never seen a baby sit so completely upright.  He said I should by her a special pillow to sit on as a throne, just for fun. Haha!  I honestly hadn't noticed it till he said it.  I knew she could sit just fine, but when he mentioned it I started to take note of it.  She does, indeed, sit about as straight up as anyone could.  So funny.
• She can roll over from ther stomach to her back and from her back to her stomach.  Although, let me tell you, she will cry and whimper in an effort to make you believe she is completely helpless and must be picked up.  But don't believe your ears!  This girl is strong and can move just fine when she wants to :)
• She still shows no sign of crawling or walking.  She doesn't like to be on her stomach at all.  I honestly am not convinced she ever will actually crawl.  If anything I see her being the little bum-scooter type.  Time will tell.
• She is finally eating solids instead of gagging on them.  However, she is still quite picky about her food.  She might eat something room temperature, but she might not, and if she does she probably won't eat much of it.  This girl likes her food warm.  Very warm.  And her favorites so far are:  Peas, Squash, Sweet Potoatoes, and Bananas with Strawberries.  Now that she is eating more, I am starting to make her food. I didn't before because it wasn't really worth the effort yet! 
• We believe she is a "foodie" in the making.  Now that she eats solid foods she wants to try everything.  Especially whatever we are eating.  When I walk by her with food she often drops her pacifier as if to say "I'm open for business!"  And when we start to eat, she often grunts and reaches for whatever it is we have.  It's pretty hilarious.  All in good time, my love, all in good time.
• She FINALLY takes a bottle!  It took just 8 months (boo!), but she has 1 bottle every night now.  It has been a welcome break for mom and means that we can go on a date finally!  Yay! 
• She has a bit of a 'tude.  She's still a pretty easy going and happy baby, but every now and again we catch a glimpse.  A glimpse of something developing.  And let's be honest, I'm her mom, so there's bound to be some attitude in there somewher.  Oh boy.
• She LOVES the water.  Since she was born, everytime she hits the water it's like she comes alive!  She goes crazy with her arms and legs, and I remember just how crazy she was in my womb.  We took her to the water park for the first time the other day and she was in love.  She loved being in her floaty and kept kicking and gasping with glee.  So cute!  Waterbaby #2, check!
• She is very smart. Chris was reading a little bit ago in one of his textbooks about certain developments in children at certain stages in life.  One of the things he read was that one of the reasons the Peek-a-boo game is so effective with infants from 6-9 or so months is because when you put your hands in front of your face you actually are gone as far as they are concerned.  They forget you are there.  Not with this smart cookie.  We were laughing so hard and having a good ol' time with Lilia because she most certainly does not forget you are there.  I was playing with her, and I would just wait behind my hands, and every time, Lilia would lean forward and tug at my hands till I moved them.  There are other things too, but it is obvious that this is one smart cookie!
• It is impossibly for Lilia to not flail and arm or kick a leg while nursing.  The other night (morning technically) I was nursing Lilia and she kept kicking and bouncing her leg up and down.  I could tell it was kind of moving the bed and that she hit Chris a couple of times.  He woke up and was obviously frustrated, groped for whatever it was that was kicking him and eventually found and held a tiny bare foot in his hand.  He just ever so slightly smirked and rolled over and went back to sleep.  The next morning he told me he was so irratated at first, but then when he was holding Lilia's bitty foot, he just couldn't be mad anymore. Haha.  Wrapped around her finger I tell ya!
• One of our favorite things is when we can see her smiling under her pacifier, but she'll only smile just enough, so it doesn't fall out of her mouth.  So cute.

I'm sure I could go on forever about this special angel, but you at least get an idea of the little things that make her Lilia.  And as is proper, here are some new pics of our darling girl:

A Summery Picture

I have loads to blog, but until then, here's a change of scenery! Can't wait for the warm weather to stay :)

Sad Day

I'm finding it a bit hard to figure out where and how to start this.  It's mostly for my own sake and to get out some of my own feelings.  This blog is pretty full of happy stories and developments.  Probably the least happy and positive posts occurred when Chris was away.  But today is unavoidably sad.  And I feel as if I can't NOT post about it.  Today I lost my puppy, Rhodri.  He was my baby before I had babies of my own.  I've had him since my junior year in high school and up until about 2 years ago, he's been my consant pal.  Today he passed away.  The worst part of it was that, I wasn't with him.  I knew that the likelyhood of him passing away without me there was high, but I didn't expect it this soon.  I thought that I would see him at least one more time.  Today my heart aches and my eyes burn from crying.  To some this may seem almost silly, but for those who know me and my family best, you know that our animals are not our pets, they are our family.  And for those who have especially known me, you know Rhodri was my life for years.  I loved that dog more than anything, and he loved me. 

He was with me during my last year in high school, I year that tried me on almost every level and I found mostly unbearable, except for him.  I hated being away from him during my early years of college, and the first words out of my mouth after accepting Chris' marriage proposal was "We can go get Rhodri?"  Not even kidding. 

Words can not express how sad I am tonight.  It feels unreal.  He was the best dog I have ever had.  Anyone who met him (which was many as he was a "poster" dog many times for the Pit Bull breed) would go on and on about how sweet he was.  He was special.  He was kind, and gentle.  He was good natured and sensitive to the things and people around him.  He was a dog, but he had an understanding of things that I hadn't ever seen in another dog.  He was very good natured and easy going.  He LOVED to run, bound, and prance around.  So funny.  He also loved to snuggle, and for years Rhodri slept on my bed with me.  He kept me company when I was lonely, and watched over our family when Chris could not.

Again, some will read this and probably find my attachment to him humorous.  It's not to me though.  I've lost one of my best, longest, and dearest friends.  So suddenly too.  I really thought he would leave this world an old dog.  Ready to go, satisfied with the years he had.

Well, I don't know what else to say.  I believe in Heaven and I believe animals, especially our animal family members, go there too.  That's one thing that comforts me tonight.  I will see him again some day.  He'll be waiting to welcome me some day on the other side, and his sweet face will bring me comfort and happinness.

Rhodri boy, you were and are the best.  I love you so.  Please know that I love you and am sorry I was not there to see you safely to the other side.  I wish I could have been there to assure you it would be alright, and that I hadn't abandoned you.  That I wanted you.  I just wanted you to be where I thought you would be happiest.  You understood so many things.  I hope you understood that.  I wish I could have smelt your fur and pet your sleek head and ears one more time.  To have squeezed those white paws.  Kissed those soft pin-cushion cheeks.  I will miss you, my dear, sweet boy.  Thank you for loving me so unconditionally and always being there when I needed you, when few others were.  And thank you for not taking it too personally when I had another baby.  I know you weren't sure about Aubin, but you watched over him and played with him gently all the same.  I love you.  Till we meet again.