ℒ~ I’ve no clue what day it is anymore but I got Mom walking again today…

ℒ~ So, it was about three and a half weeks ago, after 20-hours in a ‘skilled nursing home’ that I left ‘AMA’ with Mom and took her home to my house. That is where, in their infinite wisdom, the insurance company said that she needed to be. Even though she was just beginning to learn to walk again in rehab. The SNH was horrible; I couldn’t stop crying the whole time we were there. There was no way that I could leave her alone there. Not even long enough to go home and get her wheelchair so I could get her from the bed to my car. The only reason we stayed those 20 hours was because I didn’t have a wheelchair to wheel her out of there until she was evaluated by Physical Therapy.  I don’t know which is more ridiculous, the term ‘skilled nursing home’ or ‘against medical advice’. In the SNH there was 1 nurse in her hall for 25 patients, several needing to be intaked with more coming in. Her primary purpose which she was tunnel visioned on was distributing medications. Her secondary purpose was shift changing on and off her six hour shift. As for leaving ‘against medical advice’, well in the 20 hours that she was there, there was no medical person who read her transfer chart, had a conversation with her or evaluated her. They would not call the on-call doctor for us and didn’t know if the main doctor or someone subbing for him would be the one on site in about 72 hours. Personally I would rather be left in my home to pass on peacefully and alone, if that’s what it came to, than to ever spend another moment of time in a SNH. But I have grievously digressed because this is so not what this day was about. Though it was in part how we got to where we are today.

This has been a long journey with my Mother that started the fifteenth of July, and that is a story for another day, maybe. For now I’m going back to the last three and a half weeks that my Mom has literally been living on my couch, unable to walk. Now mind you, that couch of mine is as comfortable as my memory foam mattress on my own bed. But, why can’t she walk? Well that is part of that three and a half month story. In these last weeks she’s kinda been stuck in limbo with a coccyx injury that prevents her from sitting up for any lengthy period of time. It has stopped her from doing physical therapy to strengthen her quads to get her upright again. The lack of movement has increased the pitted edema in her ankles and feet which is painful and another PT obstacle. And the compounding neuralgia coccyx pain can’t be treated with any pain meds which has tightened her body up further.

So a couple weeks ago I found a pain doctor who said he could treat the pain with spinal injections. But he couldn’t do so because it’s too risky with the oozing bedsore (that has been there for several weeks) near the injection site. That was a ‘Really, WTF! moment. Because this tailbone pain that had been present since the middle of August was never addressed directly by any of the couple dozen specialists that tended to her from early August through the beginning of October. Their solution was to keep pushing pain and anxiety meds down her throat that­­ consistently did not help. That damned bedsore that western medicine is insistent upon treating by keeping the site moist and covered is an inane process that takes weeks to months for healing to complete. That’s another ‘Really, WTF!’ issue of mine over these last months… Uhhh, the body has the perfect solution to healing ‘broken’ skin called a scab. So, back home we drove. It took me days to figure out how to dry the wound out and get air to.

Did ya’ think I digressed again? Nope, I did not because today was about a week later and that quarter sized bedsore was smaller than half a dime in size. About a third of it was scabbed up and the other two-thirds was hard-covered over. The other half of that dime size area was already regenerated skin. I’m amazed that the bedsore is almost healed.  Mom’s biggest complaint today was how itchy that area was. I told her to ‘thank God’ for the itches cause the itches mean it’s healing. And they’re nothing a little sprits of lavender oil can’t and did take care of anyway. So, ‘Yeah!’, bedsore is almost healed. So I tell Mom to remind me tomorrow to set an appointment with the pain med doc for Monday to get the spinal injection for the tailbone pain. Finally, right? Perhaps, but then this happens…

For those who don’t now, I’m a therapeutic bodywork and marma therapist. I specialize in alleviating or eliminating pain. Which in part is why these months with my Mom has been so frustrating for me. Until today, for a plethora of reasons, I have not been able to get her on any table to properly work on her. And the result of a two hour session with her is the reason why today was one of the best days yet in Mom’s recovery.

Her tailbone pain has been her consistent issue since she was allowed to be conscious after literally being sedated for weeks in the ICU. Today was the first time in these last months that I was able to get her on her stomach to assess the source of her ‘coccyx’ pain. And what I found was that her coccyx itself presented without any issues. The culprit appeared to be the very much out of position pelvic bones pushing into the coccyx causing the presenting chronic coccyx pain. About an hour later I had repositioned the pelvis enough to stop it from pushing on the coccyx. After the session Mom sat in a chair for two hours and only wanted to lie down because her mid thoracic back was a bit sore from the release work we did on her thoracic spine today. Until today she hasn’t been able to tolerate more than 30 minutes sitting without that tailbone going into severe pain. And after two hours sitting today she said there was zero tailbone pain. Oh, and we noticed when Mom went to lie down the pitting in her ankles and feet was gone and the edema had reduced about 75% too.

I’m a believer in everything in its due time. And some would say I should have, could have, (whatever) addressed this weeks ago. But it has been my experience in the work that I do, when the time is right then what shall be shall be. And today was a day for Mom to shift and shift big time she did cause after #1 bedsore almost healed #2 tailbone pain gone #3 pitting gone and edema reduced 75%… there is a #4 that I didn’t see coming. But first…

Mom spent twenty-one days in a good rehab facility that helped her a lot. But from her beginning in there I was pushing to get her on a recumbent bike to strengthen her quads and they kept saying she isn’t ready. So when we got to my house I collected my stationary bike and took the seat/pole off of it so Mom’s wheelchair could roll right up to it. And she’s been working those quads and getting them stronger every day. So today after our session with her on her belly I had her sitting on the side of the table and I had her slide her feet to the floor and she held my hands shoulder height. And when I told her to stand up she did just that with those quads of hers. She stood right up on her own without thinking about it and with very little effort, and then she did it two more times. The third time (and this is #4) I had her lightly place her right hand on my shoulder and she ‘danced’ her way (yes her feet moved when and where she told them to) and she ‘waltzed’ herself right to her wheelchair where she put her hands on the arms and slowly lowered herself into the seat. Yeah, it was pretty amazing. The woman who keeps saying she can’t do something, and often while she is doing it, (yep I said that right) proved herself wrong once again.

Then she rolled herself into the other room and mixed up dumpling batter. I cooked them up and she ate nearly a third of the batch. More than I’ve seen her eat at one sitting since this journey of hers started. This journey of hers has been mine too and is far from over. But today was almost as good as the day I got her off the respirator in the ICU back in August. Yepper, today was a very good day indeedy. Maybe one day I’ll write more about this western medical system of ours, that in my experience has nothing to do with healing the individual as a whole, and about some amazing healers working in a regulated system that doesn’t allow them the breath and space to help people heal (I now know why I couldn’t make myself finish nursing school), and an insurance industry whose focus and concern is making money and not about healing people.

All I know for sure is that within us we all have the ability to heal ourselves. It involves slowing down and listening to what our body is telling us. And we can learn to do this at any age; AEB my seven year old student and my seventy five year student (my amazing Mother) and all of my students in between those ages who are taking what they learn in our sessions out into their everyday lives.

That’s all I got right now, which I think is a lot. Though I had to ask what day today was cause these days seem to melt into each other. These last months have been jam packed and a blur at the same time. I’m trying to just take it one day at a time and sometimes it’s just one breath at a time that gets me through…

ℒ~ Darkness doth creep in to the tearless emptiness…

ℒ~
Try as I might
In the still of the
Sleepless night the
Darkness doth creep in
To the tearless emptiness
Where rational doth not exist

There is no rational for that feeling of emptiness, yet here it is again. I know not when it will appear. Tho, like a long lost friend it just sometimes pops in and stays for a spell. It exits just as stealthily through the same door it entered. I try not to give it much credence or attention, because feeding it will just give it energy and I’ve no desire for it to be here in the first place.

I suspect that it has something to do with wavering off of that centering space called ‘being present’. What a multi-layered tricky place that is. I akin it to trying to stay balanced on a ball. I tried doing that as a kid. Every once in a while, for just a fleeting moment I was able to do it. And as soon as I did I got all in my head about being able to do it and then my feet would slip to the ground. I know now that it was my thinking (about doing it) that got in my way of actually being able to do it. So it would stand to reason then, that on some level I have some thought process that was making me feel this way, eh?

Yet, the words ‘life is good’ easily come to mind because it’s such an overused catch-phrase. And my life is in fact ‘good’. I have much to be grateful and thankful for. But I’m trying not to use the words good and bad because things just are what they are. We all are so well trained and versed in labeling everything. That labeling is actually the reason behind that feeling that I’m feeling. Rather than just existing in what is happening in the here and now thoughts instead turn to labeling and musing on what may be and/or lingering back to what was. Thieves all three of them are. Robbing me of enjoying and just existing in that place that is now. Those ‘now’ moments are all that we really have. Those ‘now’ moments are what make up our life. How bizarre is it that I was never taught that?

That emptiness is a melancholy that 10 years ago I may have gotten caught up in and maybe even trapped in for who knows how long. But these days I am too aware of not only what is going on around me but what is going on within me. I struggled with the practice of ‘not taking things personally’ for seven years. It took me that long to fully shift my conscious and subconscious thinking on that one. I’m just a few years into my practice of not labeling things and I reiterate the multi-layered-ness off such things. Such a practice is hard work and requires infinite patience with oneself. And sometimes I just get tired, like now, and get caught up in a feeling… just for a spell.

ℒ~ He fed me a little kernel of knowledge…

ℒ~ He fed me a little kernel of knowledge that once again shifted my way of thinking. It happened whilst I was chatting with a long time student of mine, as I was leaving a small yogasana group class I teach. I don’t remember how we got there, but we were talking specifically about how I don’t usually use a tripod when I take 35mm quality images with my digital camera. I said that I have never been able to determine just where my ‘breath should be’ at the time that I snap the shot to ensure that I am as still as I can be. I’ve tried to retain the breath after the inhale as well as suspending it after the exhale and I wasn’t sure which one worked better. Then my student said that ‘if I was to release half of my inhale and then pause and take the shot…’ Well, I immediately went to that space in my breath and felt it. I felt that place of calmness where I feel most stable in my being. Then I heard this loud voice in my head go ‘Duh!’. Of course it’s the space in the middle of the of the breath, right!

Yeah, after more than ten years of personal practice in, teaching and working with my hands to help people heal with this work that I do and something so simple and basic to what I know and do had eluded me. But, I’ve also learned over those years that is how it goes. Only when one is ready to see something, to have it affirmed, to allow it to shift us… will it then change our perception of the world that we have created for ourselves and live in. That mental ‘Ah-ha!’ moment was much more than about taking a picture with my camera. I could write a chapter in a book about how that has already effected me and in turn how it has affected all who are connected to me.

It is my belief based on my experience that the only thing that I have control over is what I call ‘my bubble’. I only have control over how I react to that which is ‘thrown at me’. Through my yogic work I become clearer in my vision or rather that which I am aware of. And when something comes into focus that is no longer serving me I have the choice to embark upon a practice to change that to that which will serve me. Thus, I have no power, no ability whatsover to change another being. I have only the example by which I live and my personal experience to share.

I had no idea where this was going when I started writing this. But I can clearly see how one thing leads to another and another and yet another. I can see how things are threaded together. Well, at least I can see a little more clearly today than I did yesteray and clearer than I did years ago. At least I think so anyway because I’m pretty sure that tomorrow and the next day or week and on and on that my perception shall change yet again.

Yaya, the more I learn the more I realize how little it is that I know…

ℒ~ Rheumatoid Arthritis: It was just where I was…

ℒ~ I’ve Rehumatoid Arthritis and been relatively symptom free for several years. But back at the beginning of September it actively re-entered my life. And then at Christmas time I got knocked down hard by what felt like The Morphing Flue cause every day the symptoms were different. That stayed heavy with me for about a month. It wasn’t until a couple weeks ago that I’ve felt free from both the RA and that flue. I know what brought on the RA and I believe my weakened immune system from the active RA is why that flue settled so deeply into me.

But all is well now and I realize that I have been essentially inactive during that whole time. All I was able to do was my daily mantra japa practice. So, today’s the day to get back into my daily yoga asana / mantra japa / meditation / poi spinning practice and rowing and rebounding a few times a week.

It’s curious how when we are not feeling well where we go mentally. I knew that I was in a mental funk but ‘couldn’t’ do anything to get out of it. It was just where I was. Now that’s where a yoga therapist/teacher would have been able to see what was fully going on with me and help me to get out of that state of being… quicker. (No, I do not have access to one locally.) And I’m aware that my students tend to not come to class/session when they are sick. But I learned that when they are not well that their benefit is great to make every effort to get to those classes/sessions.

Ancora Imparo (I am still learning) ~Michelangelo, at age 87 in 1562.

ℒ~ All the worlds a stage and we are merely players…

ℒ~ I call em ‘The Crooners’ and to this day I can still spend hours listening to them. At our Burning Man 2014 camp there were several brave souls who plugged in their old IPODS and let them randomly play on our camp’s sound system. Those play lists were quite telling of one’s ol’ days gone by. Now mine never got plugged in, tho had it the range of music would have included almost a little bit of everything except Rap and those perfect voices like Celine Dion. However, it is as full as it can get with the bel canto or beautiful singing of Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett, Robert Plant and Chris Robinson. Hey, it’s my IPOD. (And I know that bel canto refers to those Italian voices but I’m taking liberty and expanding its purview here.)

Now that Tony and me, we’d be friends cause he’s a locigal, matter of fact kinda guy. So I’m watching ‘Tony Bennett, The Music Never Ends’ and Alec Baldwin pops onto the screen and says “One of the things that is the most incredible in theater (film is a different animal) but in theater and in live performances the audience has to believe that there is no place else that you’d rather be and there is no one else in this business that conveys that more than Bennett.” Dude knows who he is and how that translates into this world and he’s out there doing it… I call it our HeartWork. That is in no way to be confused with that word ‘work’ that society has us believing that we have to do. A result of doing our HeartWork is that when we are doing it we are transported to the present moment and there we reside with no effort at all. And therein is the magic, for when one is all-in the present moment, one’s essence radiates out from within and others not only see that… they feel it. They feel that you are all-in sharing this moment in time with them… which is simply what is.

I think that Alec only has it partially correct, for in the words of Geddy Lee (whom I prefer over that of Shakespeare’s) “All the worlds a stage and we are merely players, performers and portrayers.” I add that by default we are the audience as well and thus Geddy and I have expanded Alec’s statement to include all that we do. In all that we do, we need to feel that there is no place else that we’d rather be. Not just for our own well being but in doing so we are serving others well, as well.

If ya gotta force it <<<Leave It Alone>>> relationships, friendships, ponytails <<<Just Leave It>>>

ℒ~ Stagnating is ‘ceasing to flow’…

ℒ~ No more running from who I am and writing is part of that, this I now understand. This last year I learned a lot about myself and as cliche as it is… I am not the same person I was at this time last year. That is a good thing though for I do know that if we are not moving forward we are stagnating. Stagnating is ‘ceasing to flow’ and that I know is not living.

I’ve been literally knocked down sick with the flu for last few days of 2014 and the first few days of 2015 now. All that I’ve been able to do is think when my head isn’t fuzzy and use the remote to get the next episode of Nikita on Netflix to play. Tomorrow I must rejoin the world and teach and then stop resisitng the new path that my work is taking me down. Yes, I can see the logic to where it is headed but for some reason I fear it and I can feel the anxiety in me because of it. I know now that the only way to dissipate that anxiety is to face that which I fear head on. That sounds so easy, right? It actually is easy, tho it’s something that we simply cannot do until we are ready to do so. Yep, it is as simple as that.

As for my writing hang-up, no more… second guessing, finishing it up later, it’s not enough, or whatever excuse I can think up in the moment. I’ll write when it comes and whatever it is I’ll let it go and that’ll be that. Here’s to a new year of flow…

ℒ~ To blog or not to blog…

ℒ~ To blog or not to blog is no longer the query. I’ve put it off far too long. And my labradorite mala is glaring blue feldspar specs at me, brighter than I’ve ever seen. To ignore it at this point would just be beyond ridiculous. So a-blogging I shall go….

ℒ~ Oi, Ima S P I R A L I N G once again on the rim…

ℒ~
. . . Oi, Ima S P I R A L I N G once again on the rim of that R a b b i t H o l e abyss that is called The Burning Man SemperArdens Storytelling Camp this year. And just how crazy am I to actually be ‘preparing’ to dive into the spiral that will take me down the hole that I will not only be trapped in for weeks, but will take me many more weeks to get out of and where i will futilely attempt to rid myself and that which is mine and the camp of that thing they call playa dust which is actually an alkaline thingy that can just turn into a gooey like mush in things such as one’s hair?
. . . Oh ‘the Lions and the Tigers and the Bears’ I shall encounter there are like none that you can imagine for there the imagination is set free to just be whatever T h e F r e a k it just wants to be. And you from the outside looking in can’t even begin to comprehend that which is out on that playa for the brain has no reference point to even start from to try to understand that which the ‘eye’ is ‘seeing’. It will only make sense to those that have been in the throes of it and have allowed themselves to feel the experience.
. . . One of my most vivid memories of my first playa visit last year was driving out onto the open playa shortly after the darkness of the night had set in and i ‘ s a w ‘ for the first time what my brain could only describe as ‘ C A R N I V A L I A ‘ (a word i had never heard nor used before) and beyond that I can’t put into words that will justify the ‘lit up animated in real-time pulsing as if it had its own heartbeat of a world’ that I was seeing come to life literally in front of me.
. . . Oh the work it has taken me to get so close to put me on the road tomorrow for a full day to get me there is at least a chapter in a book that i could write. And tho my body is sore this morning from only loading a third of what needs to be loaded into the little part of the caravan that has been entrusted to me …….my mind has shifted to lying on the playa floor and seeing my first playa sunrise and is longing to be there again………… s o o n.

ℒ~ Guru Pūrṇimā, a day to acknowledge and thank my teachers…

ℒ~ Guru Pūrṇimā, a day to acknowledge and thank my teachers and their teachers and so on and so on and so on. A day appropriately spent one-on-one with students of my own. This healing work I do will forever inspire me, awe me, intrigue me and facinate me. I am blessed and I am honored to be doing this work that I do. And I am fortunate to be reaping its healing benefits as well. I have learned in these last ten years that you truly receive that which you give. It is in fact my reality and it is pretty awesome. And today I am especially thankful for a new teacher in my life that has deepened my knowledge base that I’ve been working from as well as expanding it. And lucky me, I get to wake up tomorrow morning and do this work that I love to do all over again. Yeah, lucky me.

ℒ~ ‘Once upon a time…’

ℒ~
When you start musing about the past
put it in proper perspective and begin with
‘Once upon a time…’ and then tell your story.

ℒ~ The Most Worthwhile Read Of My Life…

ℒ~ ‘The Four Agreements’ was the most worthwhile read of my life. I can’t recall right now how it found it’s way into my hands about nine years ago. But ever since it did I’ve been involved in a progressive daily practice with those four little tenets that have literally changed my life. If you’ve not yet read it I highly recommend that you take a single afternoon and read it cover to cover. And yes, it is that quick and easy of a read.

▌~ don Miguel Ruiz on The Fourth Agreement: ‘Always Do Your Best’
“…if you take action just for the sake of doing it, without expecting a reward, you will find that you enjoy every action you do. Rewards will come, but you are not attached to the reward. You can even get more than you would have imagned for yourself without expecting a reward. If we like what we do, if we always do our best, then we are really enjoying life. We are having fun, we don’t get bored, we don’t have frustrations.
When you do your best, you don’t give the (internal) Judge the opportunity to find you guilty or to blame you. If you have done your best and the Judge tries to judge you according to your (own internal) Book of Laws, you’ve got the answer: ‘I did my best.’ There are no regrets. That is why we always do our best. It is not an easy agreement to keep, but this agreement is really going to set you free.”https://www.facebook.com/donMiguelRuiz

ℒ~ For the past couple of years I’ve felt…

ℒ~ For the past couple of years I’ve felt very much disconnected from my garden. And as we are moving into what is like the spring season of my hometown of Western New York… that is changing for me. It’s time to prune and remove those plants that do not fit into the sustainable or ‘i just love it and gotta have it in my garden’ plan. Time to source out the yellow or pink apple, apricot, nectarine and lemon trees to complete my backyard fruit cocktail. Already growing are pomegranate, key lime, kumquat, Buddha’s hand, and calamondin orange trees, and grapes too. The peppermint, spearmint, and grapefruit mints are growing prolifically in their second seasons. The white lavender, and lemon and rosemary herbs are more strongly scented with each new season. New plantings include dill and parsley. And I’ll see if I can keep the radicchio and kale plants going year round. In a few weeks I can seed mustard, chards and more greens that I know from my own experience will produce year round. And for roots this year I’m gonna stick to beets and radishes and with continuous seeding, again I know that I can keep those going year round as well. And that’s a lot for one person to do in one season so that shall be it for now. Then be continued… when we drop out of our 100º summer temps. And now to get to it…

ℒ~ At a depth that I simply can’t fathom…

ℒ~
At a depth that I simply can’t fathom
…living inside of me is a darkness.
A mere whisper of a forgotten memory
…residing in the well of my heart.
The pain doth ride the heart beat’s rhythm
…pulsing through all that is part of me.
Tis in the moment it’s meant to be felt
…allowing it all to flow through me.
The tears they whisk away the heaviness
…falling haphazardly and inconveniently.
The sad and the happy are simply what they are
…fleeting moments of snapshots in time.

ℒ~ I need to be aware of…

ℒ~ I need to be aware of and acknowledge…
THAT
WHICH
I
HAVE
DREAMED
MY
TOMORROW
TO
BE
HAS
BECOME
THE
REALITY
OF
MY
TODAY

ℒ~ Here’s my personal CHAI TEA RECIPE ツ

ℒ~ …here’s my personal CHAI TEA RECIPE ツ
I finally took note for those who kept pestering me to do so.

So this is where the recipe is at right now and it is over-the-top creamy and chock-full-of-flavor. I like it, a lot. Roughly chopping the whole spices does give it a completely different taste than if you make it with whole or powdered spices. I chop up batches using the nut blade from my magic bullet. Why alternate simmering and then resting 3 times? It seems to be the key to making it nice and creamy. A straight simmer for 15 minutes changes the texture of it and the tone of the spices. But hey, if you’re cooking it it’s your chai so experiment and spin-it just to your liking.

Lyn’s Chai Tea Recipe

>>> Combine Wet Ingredients in Sauce Pam
> 16oz can of coconut milk or cream
> 16oz can of water
>>> Combine Dry Ingredients Into Tea Sieve or Teabag Sleeve
> 3tbsp black tea (assam)
> 3tbsp turbinado sugar
> 1/4tsp of each dried ‘spice’ roughly chopped into little bits
anise seed
cardamon pod
cinnamon stick
clove bud
fennel seed
ginger root
licorice root
nutmeg nut
pepper corn
>>> Add Dry to Wet Ingredients (& Stir so the Bottom Doesn’t Scorch !)
> #1 Simmer on Low w/Vented Lid for 5min
> #2 Rest off the Burner Covered for 5min
> Repeat #’s 1 & 2 Three Times

ℒ~ I want to know what you ache for…

ℒ~ I’m not one for the surface stuff, the man-made facade that we’ve been spoon fed by society from the moment we entered this world. I could easily digress and go off on way too many tangents here but I shall resist. Suffice it to say that I’m drawn to that stuff below the surface, the stuff that makes ya feel. And there is no good or bad, or right or wrong, there simply is what-is or rather what-was. And what-was has brought us to where we are in this moment in time. I’m OK with that cause God knows that I am still learning; ‘ancora imparo’. So much so that I don’t even know the scope of what it is that I have left to learn. Tho I trust that everything that has brought me to this moment in time was for me. There was something for me to learn from all it. I’m sure I’ve missed a lesson or two or twenty-two and I’ll round-robin to another opportunity to learned what I’ve missed. But I’m finding it harder and harder to find people to connect with that aren’t caught up in the hamster-wheel of what they call living. A place where most are unaware that they are even stuck in. A place where I’ve learned that people don’t think beyond the daily-grind of that hamster-wheel that they are caught up in. In that cycle there is no time to even think of themselves. Or they are ego driven and all that they can think of is themselves. Regardless, in that place there is no space beyond that, there is nothing beyond the surface. And that is what I crave, what I desire… that which is required to connect with another.

▌~Oriah/TheInvitation

IT DOESN’T INTEREST ME WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING . I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU ACHE FOR AND IF YOU DARE TO DREAM OF MEETING YOUR HEART’S LONGING

IT DOESN’T INTEREST ME HOW OLD YOU ARE . I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WILL RISK LOOKING LIKE A FOOL FOR L O V E, FOR YOUR D R E A M, FOR THE ADVENTURE OF BEING A L I V E

IT DOESN’T INTEREST ME WHAT PLANETS ARE SQUARING YOUR MOON… I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE TOUCHED THE CENTER OF YOUR SORROW . IF YOU HAVE BEEN OPENED BY LIFE’S BETRAYALS OR HAVE BECOME SHRIVELED AND CLOSED FROM FEAR OF FURTHER PAIN . I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN SIT WITH PAIN, MINE OR YOUR OWN, WITHOUT MOVING TO HIDE IT OR FADE IT OR FIX IT

I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN BE WITH JOY, MINE OR YOUR OWN . IF YOU CAN DANCE WITH WILDNESS AND LET THE ECSTASY FILL YOU TO THE TIPS OF YOUR FINGERS AND TOES WITHOUT CAUTIONING US TO BE CAREFUL, TO BE REALISTIC, TO REMEMBER THE LIMITATIONS OF BEING HUMAN

IT DOESN’T INTEREST ME IF THE STORY YOU ARE TELLING ME IS TRUE . I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN DISAPPOINT ANOTHER TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF . IF YOU CAN BEAR THE ACCUSATION OF BETRAYAL AND NOT BETRAY YOUR OWN SOUL . IF YOU CAN BE FAITHLESS AND THEREFORE TRUSTWORTHY

I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN SEE BEAUTY EVEN WHEN IT IS NOT PRETTY EVERY DAY AND IF YOU CAN SOURCE YOUR OWN LIFE FROM ITS PRESENCE

I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT FAILURE, YOURS AND MINE, AND STILL STAND AT THE EDGE OF THE LAKE AND SHOUT TO THE SILVER OF THE MOON, ‘YES’

IT DOESN’T INTEREST ME TO KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE OR HOW MUCH MONEY YOU HAVE . I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN GET UP AFTER THE NIGHT OF GRIEF AND DESPAIR, WEARY AND BRUISED TO THE BONE, AND DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE TO FEED THE CHILDREN

IT DOESN’T INTEREST ME WHO YOU KNOW OR HOW YOU CAME TO BE HERE . I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU WILL STAND IN THE CENTER OF THE FIRE WITH ME AND NOT SHRINK BACK

IT DOESN’T INTEREST ME WHERE OR WHAT OR WITH WHOM YOU HAVE STUDIED . I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SUSTAINS YOU FROM THE INSIDE WHEN ALL ELSE FALLS AWAY

I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN BE ALONE WITH YOURSELF AND IF YOU TRULY LIKE THE COMPANY YOU KEEP IN THE EMPTY MOMENTS

ℒ~ Tis not complicated… Just be who you are

ℒ~ Tis not complicated…
Just be who you are and do what you do
and rest of it all takes care of itself,
because it all F L O W S from there.

ℒ~ ‘Samasthiti, easy standing pose, hardest yoga pose’…

ℒ~ I often say to my students, ‘samasthiti, easy standing pose,hardest yoga pose’. Why? Because if asked to simply stand softly in ones best alignment and do nothing else well the CittaVrtti takes over. (That is the mind and its continuous flow of make-believe it weaves and all that is a result of that.)

This practice of yoga I am in awe of at times but mostly it’s the reason that I’m still breathing on this earth. It’s my ninth year of immersion into yoga and Ayurveda and marma therapies to name a few of the holistic modalities that have all melded together to create ‘my unique soup’. I began this very intentional journey into personal development in 2005 which very quickly shifted to include professional development. Since then I’ve had a personal practice. I have over 10,000 hours of professional study, independent study,and time spent in prep for work with my students and over 10,000 hours working directly with my students. It is very clear to me that my work with my students is a symbiotic thing. What do I do? Wellness Therapy is the only thing that makes sense to me to call it. So Wellness Therapy it is. And not a day goes by that I am not honored and thankful to be able to do this work.

How that work presents itself to the world is shifting again for me and there’s the problem. Yeah, it’s called ‘personal practice’ for a very good reason.Things I thought I moved on from can still creep into my consciousness and roadblock me again. Difference is this time I am clearly aware of what I’m doing and why. That doesn’t necessarily mean I can actively do something to shift out of it on the spot. No that may take a few but I’ll never be unaware that I’m stuck nor not have the tools to move on and beyond from that old habit again.

That CittaVrtti shtuff can be very tricky and very subtle. And it is so easy to drift away from ones practice. But I have to remember the stuff that I tell my students because it’s stuff I know that works from my own personal experience. I have to remember to trust that ‘the practice’ (my practice) will take care of me. And to not be afraid of change because change means forward progress and that, that is a very good thing indeedy. It’s just hard sometimes when you’re the one having to do the pushing and prodding for yourself. Ahhh and right there, can you see what I mean about that CittaVrtti shtuff being subtle and tricky?

Ok, enough of that… mantra japa, sleep and practice when I wake up. That’s my plan and I’m sticking to it. (And now the chorus from ‘That’s My Story’ is playing in my head.) Uh, what was I talking about?

ℒ~ It’s not that I can’t learn new technology…

ℒ~ It’s not that I can’t learn new technology. Actually I’m very well versed at it. I may be slow on the uptake at times but once it clicks… watch out. But I’m at a point where I realize that if I learn the new thing I now have yet another thing ‘that I can do’ that is then added to my repertoire. And whilst I have proclaimed myself a ‘Queen of Multi-Tasking’ I have learned that ‘One Pointed Focus’ is a far superior dance to dance. I learned that bit of wisdom while training with Gary Kraftsow in seven 2-weeks residential sessions spaced six months apart over a four year period of time. I remember well the hellish hassle it was trying to get my family and work life to a place where I could leave it for a couple of weeks. Then disappear from it for that time span. And then when I returned playing catch up doing all that didn’t get done in my absence while trying to do all the new things that needed to be done so I wouldn’t fall further behind. I’m still amazed at how fast those first few six months flew by. It was my time during those two week sessions where I was forced to pare down that which I was doing where I learned a great deal about non-attachment. Which is not to be confused with detachment for those are two very different creatures.

See that is what multi-tasking ultimately does to me… it scatters my focus. Whilst immersed in nothing to do but listen to Gary’s lectures and practice the practices and eat good food on a regular schedule and having nothing to do but sleep at night for every moment was all about what we were there to learn and nothing more. Never before in my life had I had the luxury of doing just that. Society teaches us to be multi-taskers. It sets us up to fail or at best to not achieve that we we are capable of achieving. I learned volumes about myself in those fourteen weeks and I could literally write a book about what I learned and what I continue to learn from my living practice as a result of those sessions. Suffice it to say that this ‘One Pointed Focus’ thing trumping ‘MultiTasking’ is high up on the list of gifts received and accepted from my time training with Gary.

Yet here I sit struggling with learning this new technology, not because it’s difficult but because of what it represents. Hehe and that struggles in itself is creating a procrastination problem of its own that’s stalling me on moving forward here. Ahhh I know many of you out there know all too well about this ‘awareness’ thing. Once something is brought to our attention, to our vision we cannot avoid it. Sure, we can dance around it for while but ultimately we have to learn to dance with it so we can learn what we need to learn from it so we can move on and beyond. To what I do not know. I just know that forward movement, preferable with the flow, is a mandatory requirement of this thing called life that we are living.

Yeah, yeah, yeah and i’m now back to obstacle #5 or rather new thing to learn to get this new electronic thingy doing what it’s suppose to do and I need it to do. 😛

ℒ~ Words are magic…

ℒ~ Words are magic, period. They can set our soul on fire, filling us with hope and desire. They can crush us, dropping us to the floor with nothing more than a whisper. I learned this year that they are no longer teaching handwriting in schools. I guess they’ve deemed it an unneccessary tool for this electronic world that we’ve morphed into. They call it electronic communication but that is a misnomer. More accurately it should be labeled as a means of relaying information. And relaying information and communicating are two vastly different things. In my book, if I can’t see and touch the person then I am not fully connecting with them. There are many levels or layers to communicating. And just as handwriting is going to be a lost art form I feel too that is true in regards to communication as well. Personally, I feel a disconnect that is present already. So much so that I find myself not even wanting to ‘connect’ at all through these electronic devices. I do see their value at relaying information but when it comes to interpersonal communication they fail, period. Yet, today on my computer screen appeared these words that were written about me, that were written for me, by someone who knows me not, yet does and I was dearly touched…

who are you?
as i keep seeing
the little sparks
flowing bright
and the words
touching one’s soul
would it be enough
to get the attention of a jewel’s glow
flow
within the aftermath of gliding soar
over the contour of your body’s soul
flight
in a curvalicious pattern
following the curvature of your body’s fire
a flame that keeps brightening sighs
lingering deep in ahhhs
torrential words
soaking your body’s torch
what would you feel after this stanzas of naught
if your mind let a sighs commanding awe
bite your lips as you feel its aphrodisiac power
and yearn
as one’s poetic words
fill one’s eyes focusing glance

ℒ~ I choose to focus my energy…

April 15, 2013 at 10:41pm
ℒ~ I choose to focus my energy on those things that I can actually affect and effect.Thus, I don’t watch nor read the news and it usually takes something monumental for me to take notice of what may be happening in the news. Why, because that monumental thing has effected or affected the people connected to me. So the issue comes up with my students in our work and with my family and friends. There is also a general change intone in my environment that can be felt with those such as store clerks that I have just a fleeting moment with. So, even though these events do not affect me directly they do in fact affect and effect me indirectly.

So what can I do about natural disasters and atrocities that occur because of a fellow man’s hands… I believe that there is more out there than us on this planet, so I can send out prayers or what I feel more these days is positive energy in the direction of those in peril. I can be available to help my loved ones should they need an ear or gentle nudge or a push to help bring them back to their center. I can teach my students howto personally manage their reactive ‘feelings’ that come up when such things happen (that is if they ask for such guidance). All I can do is take care of that which is around me which I refer to as ‘my bubble’.

So I shall sleep well this night because regardlessof whether something terrible has rocked our world (that just happened to makethe news) or not, I’m pretty much doing the same thing each day. Tho tonight asmy heart is a bit heavy I shall remind myself that I’ve done what I can andtomorrow is another day where I shall once again do what I can. That is do whatI can to make the atmosphere around me a better place. For that is all that anyof us can do and that includes me.

ℒ~ You’ll be amazed…

ℒ~ 
You’ll be amazed at how beautiful you are,
when you let yourself be who you are.
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… inspired by Chuck Dimaria : youtube.com/watch?v=GhwxiuX9qhk

ℒ~ What radiates out…

ℒ~
What radiates out, from our heart, is what we call beauty.

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