Most of us develop ways of dealing with difficult emotions, hurtful people and challenging situations—workarounds that enable us to distance ourselves from pain. We avoid fractious family members. We quit jobs to escape people who belittle or harass us. We switch churches to get away from church leaders who abuse their power.

We figure out ways to feel safer.

I was reminded of workarounds last Sunday, listening to the story of the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4:1-42). She was the topic of gossip in her village, shunned by her neighbors because of the choices she had made in life—or the situations she was forced into—married multiple times and now living with someone who was not her husband. To avoid her neighbors, she came to the well at noon when she knew no one else would be there.

It was a workable solution so she could avoid the mean-spirited women among whom she lived. Her workaround helped her avoid the pain of not belonging. But, in her desire to avoid the hurtful actions of her neighbors, she lived in isolation—no friends or confidants to share her daily struggles or joys.

All of this got me to thinking about my own workarounds and how often I work around a situation rather than face it.

In BioSpiritual Focusing, workarounds are called process-skipping, which is defined as:

Process-skipping is a repetitious, psychological habit that’s always set on automatic pilot. You numb or distract yourself from a feeling you don’t like, thereby turning away from the very doorway into connecting with a felt sense and the possibility of some change in how your body must carry a difficult issue.

Most people don’t do this deliberately. We all fall into process-skipping, generally by imitating others–our parents, for example. How did your parents “deal with” difficult feelings? You’ll learn a lot about yourself simply by answering that one simple question.

Like workarounds, process-skipping is a way to avoid rather than confront difficult feelings and emotions.

My mother denied most of the painful things in her life. Learning from her, I also used denial as a way of coping with difficult feelings and situations.

And denial mostly worked—until it didn’t.

Like the woman at the well, I built walls around myself, walls that kept me safe and kept others out. I feared the judgment of others, worried what they would think of me, that they would see my faults and flaws. I hid behind a mask.

At some point, I realized we are all flawed and understanding this universal condition helped me start breaking down some of the walls I had built.

Little by little, I began to take risks, even though I was certain I would encounter judgment. Instead, most people embraced me. It seems my mask was not as good at hiding my pain as I thought.

Now I try harder to be aware when I am retreating so that I can turn around and face my fears.