Miracle of Maci Part 3

I can't believe how behind I am getting this down. I remember thinking I would be able to get caught up on the blog and I would have part 3 done a week after part 2. Well that was April. I guess summer happened!I'll continue to chip away and I feel like I've already forgotten so much but here it goes....

That first night at the Residence Inn went better than I thought. After meeting Paige and having her first bath, the baby was ready to rest and Mark and I were ready to eat. Mark went to some Hawaiian BBQ place and brought back delicious food. At that point I was hungry enough to eat my arm so maybe it wasn't that good and I was just extremely biased. We touched base with Liz and Josh who both wanted to know how things were going and were continually helping us with paperwork and logistics. I remember expressing my fear to Josh, mentioning my fear of even naming the baby. He gave me some really valuable advice, having been in our shoes, even experiencing a failed adoption. He told me that if the placement was reversed, it would be awful no matter what. There wasn't really a great way to guard my heart from that type of hurt and that naming the baby wouldn't change that. Josh said that we should focus on loving her and enjoying every moment we had with that baby, even if that meant we wouldn't be able to have her forever. I knew he was right even though I still felt so nervous. 

After what felt like the longest day, I was tired in every way possible and had a bit of a breakdown. I told Mark I needed a few hours of sleep or I just might die. He was so good to take turns, but the champ of the night was really the baby. She slept so good! She must have had a long day too. I slept on the couch next to the pack and play because worry, and Mark got the bed to himself. Waking up Sunday, Mark decided we should do some exploring and it was the perfect solution to pass the time. We drove to  Monterrey and checked out Pebble Beach. We made our little trek without wipes so we got to buy a package of 20 dollar generic Pebble Beach wipes. That was memorable! Most of the day we drove and looked at scenery as  I sat in the back and baby watched and Mark and I discussed names. I decided that I wanted to use an "M" name so that the baby would have a tie to her two "M" named birth siblings. Mark was still sure we needed to go with "Maci" but I wanted to weigh out everything I could think of. I love baby names!

I texted back and forth with a few friends and family to keep them posted, but overall, very few people knew what was going on. I sent a text to my brothers and one was shocked, he hadn't heard a thing yet! Yikes. I guess I dropped the ball there. The baby's belly button had had some discharge I was bit freaked out about, so my NICU nurse friend Jackie was a great resource for me. She helped calm my new mom worries and get me back in baby mode. We stopped for lunch at an awesome seafood place that overlooked the water and had awesome clam chowder. Our waitress was so kind and helped me make a bottle. At that age, taking her out and about was so easy. Every time Liz would call my heart would flip. I was so nervous she would have bad news. That feeling went on to last three weeks, but those first few days were the absolute worst. Liz assured us things still looked good and we were still set to meet up with them on Monday night. 

Monday rolled around and we had to find a credit union that partnered with ours so we could transfer adoption funds. We found ourselves near the Stanford campus and decided to eat at a upscale hamburger place. I remember sitting by the window and gaining lots of attention. I loved having people ask about my beautiful baby and how old she was. While there, we got word from Liz that the birth parents wouldn't be meeting with the agency Monday after all due to Mitrail starting his new job that day. We also needed to push back our meeting. That made me nervous, but she assured me she would keep on them and that she would try really hard to make the goodbye meeting happen. We told Liz we would do whatever it took to make sure it did, even if that meant driving back to their apartment so we wouldn't need to meet anywhere. We made plans to meet for dinner, but those ended up not working out either. Mitrail got stuck at orientation and in the end, it didn't happen. I was beyond upset! I was so sad we wouldn't be able to see them again. I had wanted to discuss our name options with them and just feel like we had a sense of closure. In the middle of all this, Mark had to work Tuesday and I wanted to get to my parents. I had booked a ticket on Southwest but they needed a doctor's note since the baby was less than 10 days. We couldn't get one from home, we even tried Mark's mission president who was a doctor but he couldn't do it either. The California clinic wanted 200 dollars to see her and issue us one. Ugh. Once again, showing how amazing she was, Kim told Liz that she would talk to her pediatrician and get us a flight clearance if we needed it. I said we likely would, but they couldn't get one in time for my flight. We found out Delta only had a 7 day requirement so we cancelled Southwest and booked on Delta and somehow I had everything I needed to board.

Liz worked miracles and was able to make a phone call happen on Monday night. Liz, Kim, and I had a good call and though it wasn't what I wanted, Kim was so reassuring and kind on the phone that I did get some closure and gained some confidence that she was sure in her decision. I gave her some of the names we liked and she immediately said she liked Maci the best so Maci it was. Kim really liked that "M" name idea and I hope it showed her we were mindful of them and truly wanted a connection. That phone call meant so much to me. It really gave me peace of mind. I felt selfish that I needed her to reassure me, I felt like I should have been doing more for her and here she was meeting my needs. We met Liz late that night to give her all of our paperwork and funds to hand to the agency. I made sure she had both elephants for the birth family. She made sure we knew the plan and next steps. We hugged and I couldn't begin to express to her how much her support and help meant to me. Liz was there every second we needed her. She had her sweet nieces with her and they were so excited to see the miracle baby. That goodbye was a bit hard, Liz had experienced some of the most sacred events in my life. I was so grateful to have her!

Tuesday morning came way too fast. It was time for Mark to work and time for me to go to my parents. I was so excited to see my parents, but separating from Mark felt hard. I can't even begin to describe the emotional roller coaster that was those first few days. Now it was time to get on a flight, with a week old baby, by myself. I was beyond nervous and saying goodbye to Mark was awfully hard. I was scared. Scared to fly, scared I would have to come back, scared to be alone. Mark gave Maci her first blessing, something we hadn't done without having a name, and then it was time for us to go. I boarded that plane and felt so alone. It didn't take long before I realized that if you want the airline industry to really treat you well, carry a brand new baby. People were SO sweet to me and I know that was an answer to prayer. Strangers were nice enough to help me with car seats and bags. Maci was a champ and slept the entire way. It felt like her and I shared some private moments in the most unlikely, public location. When we landed at the Ontario, California airport, a very nice ramp worker held the car seat straps open for me so I could place Maci in her carrier. I was so anxious to get off the plane and down to the terminal where I knew my parents would be waiting for me.

I will never forget coming down the escalator into a sea of people with Maci bundled up in my arms. I scanned the area for a familiar face but couldn't find one. I began to walk to baggage claim. I saw my mom before she saw me, she was walking fast to the restroom and I could barely squeak out "Mom!" through my tears. She somehow heard me and wrapped me up. Even though I was miles from home, it sure felt like I was! It felt so good to be with my mom. She pointed to where my dad was and rushed off, they had raced to the airport after a morning full of transfer meetings. Maci and I had arrived at one of their busiest times. I found my dad and handed him Maci. My heart just about burst watching him with her for the first time. I knew he was nervous though, I could sense he wanted to guard his heart a bit too, but Maci didn't make that too easy on any of us. Our first stop was the mission office, another place where a brand new baby is even a bigger novelty than usual. Having a room full of grandma's is never a bad idea though. The mission office staff would become a pretty big help to me. The next three weeks of paperwork to Northern California, Idaho, and Utah would all go through that office. They helped me so much! Between the office staff and Mom and Dad's ward, they had quickly gathered baby supplies for me. When I got to the mission home I practically had a nursery, a good thing too, for the next month it would be home. Tuesday night check in with Liz revealed that the birth parents still hadn't met with an agency and our 10 days until consents could be signed STILL hadn't started yet. 

In the car at Pebble Beach. She was such a happy baby. Smiling at 7 days old. 

Look at those pudgy newborn arms. From the last Monday at the hotel. I had her all dressed up to match the blanket her birth family had wrapped her up in for our final goodbye that never happened.

Saying a hard goodbye at the airport on Tuesday morning. I had no idea when Mark and I would see each other next. He had a crazy travel schedule for the next few weeks and we had no idea how long we would be in California.

On the plane to SoCal. She was way less nervous about flying than I was. 

Meeting Grandpa for the first time.

Grandma getting her first snuggle.

I thought the picture above the bed at the mission home was kind of fitting.

Smiling, again, after her first bath with Grandma.

Seriously, have you ever seen a happier newborn? She was tiniest, smiling thing! Her and I spent a lot of alone time at the mission home while Mom and Dad finished transfers and we were trying to figure out how to get Paige to us. Mark was supposed to bring her down with him when he could, but he had three weeks worth of constant business trips. I had about one million pictures of her from those quiet days.

Her cute little fuzzy head. It was so hard not to just love her, but having this sinking fear in your heart at the same time. My dad hid it pretty well, but he was as nervous as I was about the whole thing. It was hard to want to count down each passing day until we got to the "safe" zone but also enjoy the best moments of having a newborn. I can't even begin to describe the stress!

The Miracle of Maci Part 2

Friday July 17th was such a weird night. I was a bucket full of emotions and nerves. Saying goodbye to Paige was extremely difficult. Not for her, she actually cried when she saw us drive up the Weston and Mandi's with her suitcase. As we walked in I heard her say, "No I don't want to go with them!" She was pretty excited to be having a sleepover. I knew that I would have to stay in California for an undetermined amount of time and I didn't know when I would see Paige next. It also felt like I was saying goodbye to my little buddy. Paige was my one and only. We were a team, she was my little sidekick, my shadow. Paige was the center of our universe and she knew it. It was hard to imagine that changing. I knew people loved all their kids, but it was hard to imagine loving someone as much as I loved Paige and it scared me a little. I didn't want Paige to feel like she was taking a backseat. I wanted this new baby to not only be the best thing for our family, but the best thing for Paige. A part of me felt like I was abandoning her and rocking her world all at the same time. Strange yes? And I wasn't even internalizing very well what the next few days would look like for Mark and I!

Saturday morning came fast, my alarm went off at 4:30 and we headed down to the airport. I hoped I had everything I needed. We carried this infant carseat with us for the first time in years and it just felt weird. The people at the airport were pretty curious about it and when we told them where we were headed they were SO excited for us and it was nice to just feel excitement for a moment, I let myself just feel happiness for a moment. It didn't last too long, Mark fell asleep on the plane and I began to panic. I needed to find a gift for the birth family. What would I say, how would things go? Not to mention before the end of the day I would be holding a baby. Josh needed our home study and kept sending me documents they needed back. And what would I do for these people who were going to hand me a baby?! I didn't even know their names. SO MUCH.

When we got to Salt Lake City, I had a message on my phone from Liz, the birthmother coordinator. She would be traveling with us on behalf of the agency. She was on a different flight that was going to get to San Francisco about an hour before us. As we walked to get breakfast and meet Liz, we passed a little gift shop that had a bunch of stuffed animals. I found an adorable little elephant and bought two. I would give one to the birth family and keep one for the baby. Elephants never forget! I wanted them to know we would never forget either. We would also use it as a size reference for future pictures. I was relieved to have at least something on such short notice to give to the family, even if it felt so last minute and SO small. We met with Liz and she gave us a rundown of what to expect and since she wasn't too sure, it was a pretty short meet and greet. Since she was landing first and meeting with them right away, she would play things out and see how the birth family wanted to proceed and where they would want to meet. My mom texted me that they were praying for us. I called her and let her know I was a bundle of nerves. I immediately broke down and told her all the fears I was feeling. Were we doing the right thing? Would Paige be ok? She assured me to move ahead in faith. I sent a text to Paige's birth family, letting them know what was going on. They were floored to say the least! Paige's birthmom is so special to me. I also let loose on her, sharing with her some of my fears and reservations. She is so wonderful and gave me wonderful advice and support. Her and her mom both gave me the assurance I needed to know that we could do this, we should do this, and they wanted nothing more than for Paige to have siblings. Liv reminded me how important her little sister is to her and how special my siblings are to me, and Paige would feel just the same! With tears close to the surface, it was time to board our last plane to the Bay Area.

Before we knew it, we were landing and we were one step closer to our lives changing. I thought for sure we would have a moment or two to figure things out, prepare ourselves, get something to wrap the elephants in, and get a card. I had a message waiting for me from Liz as we landed and found out that we had about 30 minutes to make it to a little coffee shop near the birth families' apartment. Yikes! I also had an email from our social worker with our home study update. I immediately sent that on to Josh and we raced to get our luggage and get to the rental car office. While Mark was arranging for our car while I chatted with Josh. Between he and Liz, we were being kept in the loop pretty well. There was just a lot to do. And I was starting to get nervous. What would they be like? Josh and Liz both informed us that Kim, the birthmom was a rockstar as usual and doing really well, the birthfather was struggling a bit. Liz let us know that the meeting with them went well, but he was definitely standoffish and just  struggling. That made me a bit more nervous. We got in the car and had about 20 minutes, we needed a Walmart! Mark found a Walgreens that we raced to and I have to tell you, it was in a scary place. Even thought it was like 11 AM on a Saturday, we were NOT in the right neighborhood and I wasn't about to get out of the car or let Mark. We found a Walmart that was only slightly better. There was security on the way in. I had never seen a Walmart that had nothing. No diapers, no formula. WHAT!? Also, no keepsake box or good stationary. I was striking out fast and running out of time. Liz finally texted us the address to the coffee shop and we needed to be there. I was a mess, I had nothing plus we were going to be late. I grabbed a gift bag, tissue paper, and I don't even know what I found for a card but it was something. I guess feeling so frantic helped keep the reality of the situation and some of those feelings at bay.

I got in the car and set out to write while Mark drove, so now the card looked like a child wrote it. I didn't know how to address the card. I knew Kim's name, but not Mitrail's yet. Once again, tears. I didn't know these people! We had built such an amazing relationship the first time around with Liv. I felt so much love and respect for these people that I didn't know. How could I share this with them and not scare them? Also, I knew Kim wasn't really wanting any openness so what if this was my only shot to share how I felt? And I had five minutes to figure it out and put it to paper. Talk about pressure. I was also trying to help Mark navigate. We got to the coffee shop first and I felt like it was a tender mercy. I was glad we weren't late and could just breathe for a moment. It was hardly a coffee shop, it was not much more than a drive up place like a SnoShack. It had a few plastic chairs to the side under a little awning and that was where our lives were going to change.

It wasn't long before Liz got there and kind of prepped us even more. Not long after that, and cute little family came walking up. It was awkward and uncomfortable at first. What do you say with strangers? They had two older children, a one year old daughter and a barely three year old son, and they were honestly the cutest kids ever. Kim was pushing the baby in a stroller and she was bundled up with a cute little hat on. It was hard to tell what she even looked like, but she was beautiful none the less. Liz had told us about the kids and how beautiful they all were. She said the baby was perfect and she was right. Kim was easy to talk to, she just has a calm, confident way about her. She was affable and kind. I think her spirit helped put us all at ease. She smiled and was just perfect. She was beautiful and had an easy style about her. You could just tell she was an amazing person and a wonderful mother. The kids were snacking on Flaming Cheetos and were just about the most well behaved kids. Maybe they were nervous too! It wasn't long before Kim handed me the baby. It felt so strange, I didn't know how to react at first and you honestly feel like you are intruding and holding someone else's baby. Was she really to be mine? I felt nervous, I hadn't held a newborn for a long time and felt like I needed to look like I knew what I was doing Her little hat kept falling off. Mitrail struck me the most. He sat down at the table with us and got emotional. He told us he never knew his dad and in his culture dad's weren't around much. He wasn't that way, he loved his children and was involved. He wanted an open adoption. He wanted to know her and he wanted her to know he loved her. He wanted to be our friend, the type that we could call in the middle of the night to tell him when she lost her first tooth. It touched my heart and broke it all at the same time. I knew his heart was breaking. Kim told us a bit why they were choosing adoption. We learned they were in the middle of a move. You could just tell things were hard. The coffee shop was closing and it just felt like the 30 minutes we had together were not enough. Fortunately things were going well and they asked if we would like to walk over to their apartment and continue our chat. I was thrilled!

We chatted as we walked over, Kim told me a bit about her pregnancy and labor. It sounded like things had gone really well for her. Mitrail told me how he got his name and how he had just met his brother a year or so earlier. Apparently he had signed up for school or something and the guy said someone with almost the same name had been in that day already. Turns out it was his half brother. I had to ask him how to spell it because after the story I was confused about what name was actually his and which name was his brother's. How embarrassing! You could almost see him getting friendlier and more comfortable. I think once he got what he had to say off his chest and to get assurance from us that we wanted nothing more than for Veronica (Maci) to know that her birth family loved her that he felt much better. He was pretty concerned about us and our car. He told Mark he needed to park it closer to the apartment and then he walked with Mark to get it. He also told us we definitely needed to steer clear of the Walgreens and the Walmart. If we needed stuff we needed to go to this Target that was a few blocks away.

For the next few hours we chatted in their living room of their small apartment. It was much more comfortable and I wanted to glean as much information as we could. They asked us a few questions about ourselves and told us about their families a bit. Mitrail wanted us to know all about Kim's ethnicity which I thought was cool. She is from Saipan and is Chomorro. We didn't know that, only that she was a Pacific Islander. Her parents live in Denver, her mom worked for the airlines, but a lot of her family was still in Saipan and they ran a bakery. They expressed their desire to return someday as a family. Kim told us a bit about her culture and the island in general and it was fascinating, I couldn't wait to learn more on my own. She came over as a teenager. She has a younger sister but wasn't close. Mitrail had just found out about his half brother, and he told us his mother was not aware of Veronica or the adoption. Kim hadn't even told Mitrail she was pregnant until she was seven months along. They both said that they wanted to make the decision for their little family without the outside influence of their families. Kim said her parents knew and supportive. They told us how they met, Kim worked at a rental car place and somehow Mitrail and his buddy ran into her there. Initially, Mitrail's buddy wanted to ask her out but sounds like Mitrail convinced Kim he was the better choice! Mitrail was set to start a new job on Monday, and they were hoping to move in the next week or so. Their lives were in a bit of chaos, but in the midst of all that, you could tell there was a lot of love in that home. I enjoyed being there with them and never had an uncomfortable feeling. Kim left to breastfeed the baby once or twice, but besides those moments, Mark and I were left to hold and love on her while we chatted. We shared with Liz now and then too. I held her most of the time, and one of my favorite moments was handing her to Mark for the first time. It was like instant love. Literally. I had never seen Mark that way.

Kim informed me that she had yet to bathe the baby because she felt like I would want the honor of giving her her first bath. I felt like that was so sweet of her. She also hadn't given the baby a pacifier because she wasn't sure how we felt about that or if we wanted her to have one. Kim was so mindful of the adoptive family, before she even picked one out! They both made sure we knew as much as we could about her delivery, what the doctor said and so forth. They named her Veronica after Kim's grandmother, and they wanted us to either use it or Kim's last name. We talked a little about names we were interested in but they wanted us to know she was our baby and the choice was ours, but they would like if we used those names somehow. I told the we would absolutely use Veronica. I didn't know what I wanted to do for her first name quite yet. Conversation was light and easy. Mitrail was a lot of fun and made us laugh. He told us about playing college and D league basketball. We talked about hair and hair regiment. He was already going grey and laughing about it. They told us they chose us because of our family and connections to extended family and Mitrail said we were the best looking. I told him we hoped we didn't disappoint in person. We told them to come visit and ride horses and Mitrail said he would stick with basketball. I wish I could remember every single detail about those few special hours. I loved seeing them with the two other kids. Mitrail put Mia right to sleep in a matter of moments. He told me how both kids loved Sid the Science Kid. All these little tidbits of information meant so much to me. I wanted to know as much as I could. Before long it was time to say goodbye. Mark and I hadn't eaten all day and I was beginning to feel it combined with a whole lot of emotions and little sleep.

We talked about me leaving to SoCal to be with Mom and Dad. They said they were totally fine with that but wanted to meet up again before we went. I was relieved, I told them I would feel much better knowing this wasn't goodbye goodbye. I asked them if they wanted to hold her again, Mitrail said no, he had his time and goodbyes the night before. Liz had enough foresight to snap a few photos and that is literally the only photos I have of Kim and Mitrail. I am so grateful she insisted on it! I gave them the gift and explained the elephants. MJ immediately took to the elephant and I was upset with myself for not buying more, one for Mia. I felt bad that the Kim essentially gave her gift to the kids and I felt like I left her with nothing. Kim held the baby for just a moment and really didn't show much emotion at all until I hugged her. You could tell she choked up a little as she hugged back and handed me the baby. And with that we said our goodbyes and it felt beyond strange to walk out of there with this sweet little baby. I won't lie, it felt like we were taking someone's baby away. I felt like I took her from a great family and I had some guilt. We had signed papers giving us medical consent in case of an emergency, and legally, we were only considered fancy babysitters. Kim and Mitrail could do nothing formal for at least ten days. There first meeting with an agency wouldn't be until Monday or Tuesday. There was a whole lot at risk, mostly are hearts.

I then had to put this sleeping, balled up baby in the car seat. I wish I had practiced before hand, it did not go smoothly and Liz got to witness it. We said goodbye to Liz and made a plan for paperwork and keeping in touch. Then, for the first time it was just the three of us. Right away, Mark said, "Her name is Maci." I wasn't ready to commit to a name, and a part of me didn't want to name her at all. I was too scared. I wanted to guard my heart a bit. We drove to a little parking lot at a park to get our bearings and to find the safe Target Mitrail told us about. In that moment I checked in on Paige and took my first pictures of the baby. I sent them to Mom and Dad right away. I sat in the backseat by her in awe. It just hardly felt real! We got to Target and I held her as we did some shopping for formula and diapers. The looks I got from people were priceless. I am sure we looked like kidnappers. Looks of confusion all around. Some old lady told me I looked fantastic for just giving birth and I kind of just stared back wondering how she thought I had given birth to this dark baby with a head full of dark hair. Mark was on the phone trying to get antibiotics because he had a sinus infection because why not add that into the mix. All the while I just stood holding and snuggling this beautiful, beautiful sweet baby. When we got back to the car she had messed her shorts and was screaming about it. Blowout number one! It was a great initiation moment and here I thought we had made a scene in the store. Changing a screaming newborn in the trunk of your car gets WAY more stares. Poop was everywhere and it was awesome.

Mark got us an awesome room at a Residence Inn. It was literally brand new. It had a living room, kitchen, huge bedroom and bathroom. It was like our own little apartment and it was perfect having a newborn. We immediately got to bottle making, which brought back memories of our first moments alone with Paige. At least this time I had kind of a clue as to what to do, but we had no idea if the little one would take it, she had been breastfeeding for a week! Kim was worried about the transition and even offered to pump for us, but we didn't want her to have to do that. Baby was a champ and took the bottle right away, what a relief that was! When we got ourselves situated, we Facetimed Paige and let her see the baby for the first time It was one of my favorite moments of the entire process. I was able to snap a picture of Paige's reaction and like they say, it literally said a thousand words. We gave the baby a much needed first bath in a very pretty, very contemporary sink and let me tell you, it was no easy task. I remember holding her and looking at her sweet little face and telling Mark, "I know the agency will rematch us if this doesn't work out, but I don't want them to. I want this baby. I love this baby." You could just feel her sweetness. She was special. I hardly got to hold her because Mark was intent on hogging her. I was SO scared I loved her so much and it was beyond scary. We were just at the beginning of a long journey and I knew that at any moment Kim and Mitrail could change their minds. All it would take was a phone call. It felt so heavy, but there were moments were I felt much peace and confidence. Kim had this baby for a week, breastfed this baby, but she was mindful the entire time about what she was doing and thinking of the future. She is amazing. There are no enough words to describe how incredible and strong she is---how much love she has for her family and her children.

Love at first sight. Mark holding her for the first time at their apartment. She literally just stared up at him the entire time.

 She seemed SO tiny and that unwashed hat hair haha.

Bonding on our car ride to Target.

She liked binkies right away.

Taking her first bottle like a champ.

Both of us were feeling very tired. The plan was to get a bath first thing, but we decided to do this for awhile instead.

Getting ready for her first bath. She had so much beautiful hair.

Fresh out of the tub. Oh my goodness I loved how alert she was. Her big eyes just stole your heart. And I loved playing with her hair.

Showing her off to Paige. You guys. I had tears. Technology is amazing and I loved Paige's sweet reaction,

Paige was so happy! I was afraid to break her heart, but I am glad in hindsight we let Paige be a part start to finish. I would have regretted not having these moments.

Part 3 to come.....sorry this is turning into a book! This is mostly for me and making sure I have this all down, but maybe some of you are entertained as well.

The Miracle of Maci Part 1

July 2016. I am not sure I can give this story justice. The lessons I learned last summer about prayers, miracles, and the love of our Heavenly Father are too numerous to count. At the time, the whole thing seemed entirely unexpected. In hindsight I could see how we were being prepared. Let me explain.

First, our most recent failed adoption. The baby girl was expected in June and she was biracial. Before this, the idea of a trans-racial adoption was something we were open to, but we were still nervous when placed with an actual situation. We took the leap. We moved forward. After much fasting and prayer and wavering, I had a vivid image while dressing Paige for church one Sunday that I was dressing another little girl, a little girl with cute brown legs I was putting tights over. At the time, it made sense. We were to move ahead. It was one reason that when it failed it was so confusing(see June's post for more info). I felt like I had had a serious experience that answered a prayer. I did! I just didn't understand it yet. Also, the fact that Mark moved ahead and truly opened his heart to the idea of trans-racial adoption was a big deal and something that needed to happen. So while it hurt, I suppose the lessons learned from that failed adoption were lessons we needed to learn.

Second, while I was at soccer camp a friend helped with Paige while Mark was working. This friend had recently had a baby girl. In fact, this friend had a niece that was in a position that adoption was maybe an option for her. My friend and I had a lot of conversations about adoption and babies and a part of me hoped that this connection was going to be something that would work out for us. At any rate, she was fully aware of all the craziness that was currently going on in my world and the extreme loss I felt. She watched as I held her baby with tears in my eyes. At camp, I got a text from her that while watching the new baby, Paige proclaimed, "I am getting a baby sister soon." My friend had to reinforce that the baby was no longer coming. I think now that Paige had more faith than I did that something would happen and hope was still something to maintain.

We updated our home study. We decided we would no longer work so hard to network ourselves, but we needed to keep our home study current. It expired July 29th, so we got everything done in June and it was sent off. By the time July came around, we were only waiting to hear back from the state that our study was approved.

Over the three years of our adoption journey I had become fairly adept at networking, Facebook, and other social media outlets scouring adoption opportunities. We had our profile up on Parent Profiles which is run by adoption.com. A good family friend, Mindy, worked with adoption.com and had told me that her company was going to be opening an adoption agency soon and would have an office in Idaho. Yay! Finally, resources in Idaho. The first office opened in Utah and I started following their social media accounts. We were still hesitant to sign up with an agency and pay any upfront costs, especially after our recent heavy financial loss. A lot of our money was tied up with our failed adoption and the referral service was supposed to be working on re-matching us but why do that when you can get new clients and more money? I tried to keep working with the Kansas agency but none of her situations felt right. On July 9th, I saw  social media post from Adoption.org, the new agency, about a new situation. It was a baby girl due in September in Utah. It sounded perfect, no drama, no drugs, and truly a breath of fresh air after all the crazy situations we had had and had been presented with. It was out of our price range, but I didn't care anymore. The trade offs were worth it. The problem was they wanted a Utah family. I inquired anyway and convinced them we were close enough and that our current open adoption was out of Utah. Being a new agency, they didn't have any families signed on yet and they needed families so there was no cost to present to a situation, only if matched. It felt like we had nothing to lose and we presented right away. I had our profile, background checks, and paperwork ready to go and emailed it over. The birth mother coordinator, Liz, was impressed I had things so organized. I told her by this time I was professional.

A week went by, and I hadn't heard anything. I didn't think any thing of it because that isn't entirely unusual. Also, Mark and I had agreed that we wouldn't over extend ourselves and let things happen if they were meant to happen. It finally had become a lot easier not to get to attached or excited about things. That weekend we were making arrangements to head to Boise for Mark's nephew's missionary homecoming. It was Friday the 17th and I was busy packing bags and cleaning house. I checked my email and had an update from Liz. She asked if we were going to be around Pioneer weekend because the birth mother due in September was going to have work off. She hadn't made any decisions yet, but hoped to have some profiles narrowed down and couples she could meet with while she had work off. What seemed like an afterthought was a blurp about California. Liz said that she should hear about California soon and would let us know when she did. I honestly had no idea what she was talking about. I felt nervous to ask because I didn't know if I hadn't read something close or if I had missed something important that I should have known. I wrote back and implied I was confused but we were open and ready for anything. In the meantime, I checked an adoption Facebook group because I religiously scanned the groups for situations and such. I noticed that Liz's co-worker, Josh, had posted a question regarding support groups in the Bay Area because he was working with a possible birth mom. I emailed Liz back and asked if this was the California situation she referred to and that I wasn't sure what was going on but we really were open to anything and ready to go at a moments notice.

Not ten minutes later Liz called me, a bit frantic and started telling me about this healthy, 5 day old, mixed race baby girl. She said the birth parents were very sweet, the birth mother had contacted the agency on Wednesday after googling adoption. They had talked with her over the course of two days and she seemed pretty serious about placing. No drugs or alcohol were involved and she seemed really put together. It all sounded pretty good and I told her great, can we present? I explained that Mark traveled to the Bay  Area all the time for work and really tried to talk us up to encourage her to present us. That is when Liz informed me we had already been presented and that we were one of four families being considered. I asked how, and she told me Mindy had submitted our profile and that the agency thought we knew that, that we told her to present us. I said I had no idea but that I was thrilled and that it sounded like I owed Mindy a big thank you! Liz told us that they hoped to  know really soon what the birth mother was going to do and she would let us know when she heard something. Little did I know that at the time of this phone call, that K was already leaning towards our family--hence Liz freaking out a bit that we didn't even know a thing about it!

I proceeded to get ready and Mark came in to see why I was being so slow because we needed to be out the door and I wasn't even showered yet. I explained what was going on and that I had very little info really but that it sounded good. He told me he had a trip to San Francisco scheduled for Monday. I was floored and immediately texted Liz to tell her that Mark was headed that direction and how crazy that seemed. I texted Mindy a thank you. She apologized 20 times for presenting us without asking first but that when she heard about the situation she just had to. I told her we were thrilled. It was SO hard not getting our hopes up, but since I hardly knew what was going on it all felt like a long shot, but one that would work so perfectly. I went out to the living room and saw Paige playing with some toys. I told her we should pray. She said ok and told me she would say it. During the prayer she prayed that "a baby would come to our house and that she would be the right size." I swear she knew something we didn't! We decided to still go to Boise because we knew better than to think anything would happen and you really can't plan or change your life so onward ho.

On our way out of town we needed gas so we stopped at a gas station we never use and guess who we  see....Mindy and Courtney. They seemed a bit excited and a little awkward. I didn't know if I should say something, if things were a secret, if Courtney knew what was going on, what in the world was happening. At the end of our conversation, Mindy motioned for me to call her. On the road I called Mindy and she explained a little more about what happened. Since the baby was already born the birth mother was anxious to see profiles and the agency really didn't have many. They were scrambling a bit. The agency office was in Utah, but main head quarters were in Rexburg and shared an office with adoption.com, where Mindy and Courtney worked. Melissa, the director had come upstairs all excited that the agency might have their first placement. She told Courtney and Mindy about the situation and then headed back to her office to pack things up for the evening. Courtney and Mindy looked at each other and immediately thought of us. Mindy raced downstairs as Melissa was heading out the door and talking on the phone to Liz about possible families. Mindy told Melissa she had to present the Steiner's Liz overheard and said hey I know them and I have all their stuff (because I had sent it all so fast for the birth mother due in September). Melissa said if they  had our stuff to go ahead and send it to K. They were only supposed to present Utah families for legal reasons, but in the hubub no one bothered to see or check where we were from and we kind of slipped in there under the radar (we only learned this fact later).

After talking to Mindy about this I got excited. I couldn't help it. We were almost to Pocatello and I had this overwhelming feeling that I wanted this to happen. I was in tears and I told Mark I wanted it. I wanted it bad. Sometimes it was easy to talk yourself out of situations because you didn't know enough and it was scary. A huge life changing event that would happen so fast. Life was easy with Paige, did I really want to do baby stage again? But this time I did. I wanted to be all in and it scared me. I asked Mark how do you pray for His will to be done but also pray that things would work out the way you wanted them to? I uttered a silent prayer and basically said that I was ready. I was all in. I was ready to jump. And then we continued on and really tried to relax but thinking of very little else.

Meanwhile, everyone at the agency, including Mindy knew that things were close and we were front runners. Mindy kept telling Josh, Liz, and Melissa that we needed to know something because we were on our way to Boise. They couldn't say anything because they really didn't know what K was going to do for sure and didn't want to get our hopes up. Just after Pocatello Liz texted us and said "FYI, no final decision yet." Mark by this time was getting as anxious as I was. He told Paige we needed to pray the hardest we ever prayed. He told Paige Heavenly Father hears kids' prayers first so she said it again even though she didn't really want to. We kind of made her! She prayed the baby would come to our house. I texted my mom briefly that we really could use extra prayers and that we were being considered for a healthy baby girl already born. She texted back saying "praying hard!" Not ten minutes after Paige's prayer Mindy sent me a text asking where we were. I told her we were past Pocatello and heard nothing else. About the time we got to the Raft River area literally the middle of no where, I got a call from a Utah phone number. Josh and Liz were on the phone and told me they had good news for us. K had chosen us and that we needed to get to San Francisco as soon as we could. The baby's name was Veronica, they were working on getting some pictures and that Melissa would call us with more details and what we needed to do. I hung up the phone and we all screamed and cheered. It is bizarrre. A phone call people. A phone call to let you know you get to be a mom again. I got the text of the most beautiful baby and showed Paige who was so excited her prayer worked.

We literally had no idea what to do. We just kept driving. I texted some friends and asked "hypothetically if we had a baby coming if they could help with Paige and find us a car seat." They jumped to our rescue and we decided that we better just turn around. On our way back, Melissa called and asked if we could come meet with her at the agency as soon as we got back to town. We called our Boise families and told them we would no longer be coming. Mark called Delta who moved up his plane tickets from Monday for free. We rolled back into town, dropped Paige off with Weston and Mandi at their family reunion and headed to the agency. Then it was time to get scared. We talked about fees and the crazy California process. There was going to be a lot of hoops to jump through. We learned more about the birth mother and father. They had two other children and were together which seemed odd to me. They wouldn't be able to sign papers for at least ten more days. We were going to be fancy baby sitters and quite a bit was at risk, mostly our hearts. Things felt fast and real and I didn't know if I was ready. Could we do this? Could my heart take it? What if we took that baby home and had to give her back? We discussed lots of information and I tried really hard to understand it all. Melissa told us to expect three weeks in California. I asked if we had to stay in the Bay Area or if we could go stay with Mom and Dad in SoCal. She said that while technically we could because we would not be leaving the state, that was a good 7 hours away and made them a bit nervous and it would be something they would need to talk to K about. She asked where Mom and Dad were and I said Rancho Cucamonga California. Her mouth dropped open and she said, that is where your lawyer is! His office was literally a mile away from Dad's. She said that shouldn't be a problem at all and may make things easier. Coincidence? I think not. A big concern for Melissa was our home study update. Our current one was still good for another week or so, but wouldn't be good before papers could be signed. I told her that we would hear back about our new one at any time, it was done and we were just waiting for approval. Mark and I left feeling pretty well in the dark but that we had committed and were at the point of no return and it also felt like things were falling into place. Really though, we had so many questions and very few answers. In hindsight, I am still really shocked we went ahead and took such a leap. It was all such a whirlwind and nothing seemed very clear. We knew nothing. Mark felt tired, and that he wanted to figure out the details later, he just wanted to get on with things.

We already had bags packed so we said goodbye to Paige at Weston and Mandi's. She cried because she thought we were coming to get her and she wanted to stay and have a sleepover. It was so hard to leave her and I felt like a crazy bag of nerves. Mandi had gotten a infant car seat for us, even cleaned it. We have great friends! All in all, it didn't seem real. We tried to sleep and I stuffed my bag with baby things. Fortunately I never took down the nursery from our failed match the year before and all my baby girl stuff was clean and ready to go. I took some burp rags, blankets, and some clothes, and like 5 outfits for me. I felt entirely unprepared in every way. I checked my email and saw one from our social worker who did our home study. She had no idea what had gone on, but had sent me an email saying she was in the middle of a move but that she had gotten our update THAT DAY and would send it to us when she got a chance. I emailed her back right away and told her we had an immediate placement and needed it ASAP. She emailed me and said she thought her computer was at the back of the trailer and she should be able to get to it easy and would sent it as soon as she could. Mind you, this social worker had emailed me, out of the blue, late at night, on a Friday. Coincidence? Hmmm......miracles happen people! We tried our best to sleep, we had a super early flight out of Pocatello and really only had three or four hours before we needed to be out the door.

Part 2 to come......stay tuned!

               These are the first pictures we got of Maci, (who was still Veronica) texted to us from Josh.

July Pre-Insanity

I feel like we should talk about summer in quiet, reverenced, honored tones. Summer, I love you. I love the fun we have together, the time spent with family. The sunshine, the food, the friends. I miss you Summer! Hard to write about July here in February. Seems like another world ago. Here are just a few activities we hit up before our world's changed in the most unexpected, terrific way.

Anyway, my little brother came out for a visit and Grandma's funeral. We love having Uncle Jay here. We took a little drive out to Cave Falls and hit up Frostop where we learned we really only like their root beer floats.

Paige flashing me the love sign at our favorite place, Karie Anne's. Seriously though,

A beautiful night playing coed soccer. Hard to beat nights like this.

All summer we heard "I want a baby and a jumpoline!" There were prayers uttered. Since it felt like we weren't making progress on the baby, we caved and bought a trampoline. One happy kid right there.

Sam and Coco came for the 4th of July and we had a great time! We hit up the sand dunes and did some sledding. It was a first for us and it actually works. The poor kids flew down the dunes. Caden went first and freaked us all out a bit. He may have ate it at the bottom a bit.

Putting the sprinkler under the tramp changed the world for Paige. Unfortunately for the rest of the summer that is all we heard about. The jumpoline on its own was no longer good enough. Also, cousins here to jump so Mark and I don't have to is the best ever.

More water fun. Love this picture of Caden, Paige, and Roxy. Paige biffed it about 2 seconds later.

Why I ever get in pictures, it is not a good idea.

Hitting up the rodeo. First time we took Paige to one, having her grow up and enjoy things isn't all bad.

Traditional 4th of July hair.

Annual family BBQ.

It has been a long time since we saw big fireworks, but this year we actually made an effort to put on a good show at home instead of dissing all fireworks in favor of sleep. Earlier we had gone to the Freedom Festival where Paige fell in love with this high quality fan. She HAD to have it and it was the best 2 dollars I have ever spent. She didn't put it down for months. Being such good quality, Mark had to put it back together multiple times until it just died.

Mark and I on a date. A horseback riding date. That happens like once a year. And this is pretty much the last time I got to ride a horse. Memories people.

Shadow and TJ treating us well.

June

Finally! I finally got a new computer so I can blog without profanities, a week of down time, and medication. It was getting a bit painful and I legitimately did not have the time to mess with it. I am going to try to get all caught up, but it is going to take me awhile. I am sure I will miss some things, but we will do our best and take things a month at a time.

June was a bittersweet month for sure. I knew going into the month we were going to have to deal with yet another failed adoption. This last one made us more angry than sad. It went down so ugly. I am grateful I caught it when I did before things went from bad to worse. I guess there was something good that came from me signing up so many places. Nothing like getting an email from an agency with a possible new match only to discover it was a situation we were already matched with. The expectant mother was agency shopping, hoping to get as much  money and as many perks as she could. When we said we would not buy some strange and unnecessary requests she took matters into her own hands. I have no idea what ended up happening to her, if she ended up placing at all or what. I do know that I was completely unimpressed with the referral service that helped facilitate the match They literally took thousands of dollars from us and where of NO help when I notified them about what was happening. In fact, the first thing they told me after I reported the fraud was that I must be mistaken. The second thing they told me was to call the new agency and make sure it was the same girl while keeping all the cards close to my chest, meaning sharing no information about our match while expecting them to spill their beans. Ridiculous. I was so angry to have no support. I not only uncovered the fraud, but then had to shut it all down myself. The agency in Kansas was helpful, but they didn't seem too interested in rematching us and the referral service definitely didn't care. They had our money and were just fine sitting on it.

I think I just felt a lot of confusion at this point. I had had some experiences that made me think we needed to take this big leap of faith, step out of our comfort zone. I even had an experience where I had a very vivid image of dressing a little girl, with beautiful brown skin in a Sunday dress. I thought all those things meant this situation, even though very strange and different, was something we needed to do. To have it end in such a fraudulent way made me second guess my ability to recognize answers to prayers and follow the guidance of the Spirit. At the end of the day, this match made me second guess everything about myself and the adoption process as a whole. A part of me just wanted to be done, be a family of three. Another part of me wanted a baby so bad that I felt desperate to do anything. But knowing that this match didn't hurt me emotionally like the one the year before was a clue that this definitely wasn't the match meant for our family. I just felt no clarity about where to go next. That's how June began. A mess of confusion.

Fortunately things got better. I started the month off with a trip down to SUU soccer camp. I originally didn't think I would get to go, but after the other failed adoption, my schedule was clear again. With the help of Mark and some good friends who helped with Paige, I was able to go down with the Madison soccer team. It was EXACTLY what I needed. The weather was hot, the company was great, and feeling like I was a part of something again was therapeutic. I love being a part of the game. Being involved on a bigger competitive stage, even if I wasn't a player, just felt good. Coaching is hard, it intimidates me a bit, but it really is quite rewarding. SUU was great, until about midway through. In a moment of downtime, I checked Facebook and saw a post from an aunt about my grandma, alluding to things not being well. I literally had no idea there was even an issue. I stepped aside and made a call only to find out my grandmother was not doing well at all and was on her death bed, completely no responsive. I was shocked to know things had gone downhill so fast and here I was, hundreds of miles away. I made the decision to cut the trip short, drove through the night and made it home a day early. I slept a few hours, kissed Paige and Mark and headed out the door to spend sometime with Grandma.

She was completely non-responsive but she was alive. I laid by her, smelled her, hugged her, kissed her, held her hand, and soaked in just being close. I shed some tears and truly enjoyed some Spiritual experiences.Grandma had been a part of each of our adoption failures and took them just about as hard as I did. I knew she was an invested player in our story. I told her that when she got to the other side, if there was a baby up there for us, that I would need her help to find it. Two days later, on Father's day, I got a text during church that Grandma was gone and that if I wanted to say goodbye one more time, I needed to make it down before the funeral home got there. The next week was rough. It was hard to not have Mom and Dad here. It felt like so much was missing. But there were some sweet moments. Memories shared, positive reflections, family gathering, a celebration of life, and being able to participate in her funeral felt like such an honor. Watching my grandpa lose his sweetheart was awful and still is He misses her so much. But even that was a lesson in and of itself--a true love story.

My grandma was a beautiful kind, patient, and wise. Now that she is gone, I realize how much I relied on her for advice. I feel like I dumped so many of my worry and concerns on her as we sat  in her kitchen. She just listened with love and made me feel so much better about things in her soft spoken way. What a great example she was to me.

One of my favorite pictures of these two.

Summer bike riding. Mark bought himself a bike to try and keep up with the little cruiser.

Miss those lazy summer days.

Sweet Grandma in her last days.

Making it there in time.

It was unbelievably warm t the cemetary.

My favorite picture at the viewing. Grandma was gorgeous, and that cute little guy on Grandpa's lap is my dad.

Showing Grandpa Thaylon Kitty Cat.

Paige sure loves her uncle.

Love being the only one needing to wear longer shorts haha. Doesn't look out of place or seriously unfashionable at all! Loved camp though!

April and May

I thought blogging was bad before, but let's just say life is much more complicated now and since I rarely have time for personal hygiene anymore, blogging has definitely taken a back seat. So in order to get to the good stuff of this crazy eventful summer that is now almost over, I have to do some Reader's Digest versions of most of the months to continue the catch up process. It is all such a blur at this point that without the pictures, I wouldn't even be able to tell you what happened!

 

When we got back from Hawaii, we were all in a bit of post vacation mode. Mark started his new job and he has ended up traveling a bit more. He was off to Boston almost as soon as we got back. Paige felt like things were pretty quiet and dull around here, so Buzz, Paigey-H and some of her other friends came out in full force for a while. One day she came home from Preschool and told me she wanted me to take a picture of her eating lunch with all of her friends. See below:

 

Cracks me up everytime.

 

 

This of course is one of her greatest friends. Roxy always gets a pre summer shave down. Paige was pretty sad about the whole thing and shed multiple tears. She was very concerned Roxy was going to look like a boy. As luck would have it, Roxy came home with these beautiful bows in her hair and Paige couldn't have been happier about it!

 

Paige graduated from her first year of preschool and did very well in the program. She knew all the words to every song and had her part memorized.

 

Our friends the Crapo's invited us on a great adventure. We were going to all ride ATV's from their farm to Heise to have pizza. We got just about half way and were caught in a terrible, terrible storm. So much rain and hail. Fortunately for Paige, she was in one of the Rangers. Mark and I were incredibly soaked and lets just say hail while riding on a 4-wheeler does NOT feel good.

 

Taking cover under that safety of some trees. Not really smart, but like I said, hail!

 

We got back and it was summer all over again. Hagen eats healthy foods and I guess Paige thought eating an apple whole looked pretty good. Positive peer pressure!

 

Of course we got our annual season pass to Bear World. Paige loved the baby deer. They grow so fast and if you were to ask her know how she felt about this little guy, she would have less loving words. He's all big now and kind of pulled a "When Animals Attack" episode the last visit.

 

Farming of course picks up come spring. Here Paige practices for Miss Farm and Ranch. Love the beauty queen wave, boots, and crossed legs.

 

I was basically the tenth assistant for a youth soccer team this spring. I think it was mostly a shadowing gig so I could learn the system and coach fall JV. I drug Paige to lots of practices and games. She actually really loved it and had a great time with the girls. I kind of loved getting involved and loved that Paige enjoyed coming with me.

 

 

To round out the good times, we had a second failed adoption. This time around we lost quite a bit of money. It is a long story, but we definitely took a leap of faith and got burned. The expectant mother was less than honest and upset with us for not buying her a new iPhone 6. I caught her shopping agencies when another agency we were signed up with sent me her situation to consider. It was an awesome feeling knowing we were already matched with the situation and had sent money. In the end, it could have been worse. I do have a distaste for facilitators, especially the particular one we worked with. I wasn't fan from the beginning, but the agency in Kansas we were ultimately going to work with was good so I decided it was all a means to an end. I am not quite sure why we needed to participate in that little adventure, but I think it did open our minds to some things we hadn't previously considered. One particular Fast Sunday I had such a strong prompting about a little brown-skinned girl I was dressing for church. At the time I was certain it was the situation I was matched with. Looking back, I see I was totally wrong! Anyway, we survived and honestly were darn close to giving up. I was ready to make peace with being a family of three. Mark decided we needed to update our home study, but that we would be less proactive about finding a situation. We would be prepared, but also let things go and see what happens. We will get to that later.....