Positivity at Work

 



This week has been a bit rough. Fortunately for me, I have been working on my positive attitude so it hasn't dumped me into complete despair. My heart has been a bit achey, but I'm still holding as tight as I can to hope and optimism.

 

First things first. At my first post-op visit I learned that I will indeed be rocking the cast for 3 months. That leaves me with about 8 or 9 weeks left since they counted the time spent in the postop club. I'm getting to be fairly proficient with the cast as long as it doesn't involve water. Dishes and hair washing are my biggest challenges. Writing is a bit difficult as well. It looks as if Paige is signing all my checks. When all is said and done, between the break and the surgery, I will have spent almost 6 months in a cast. The pins can be a bit sore at times, especially in the cold. Twisting and rotating is usually not a good idea either. Opening jars and cans are the bane of my existence. But other than inconvenience, it isn't too bad and all is well.

 

 

Thought I would document what my arm looks like since it will be a while until I see it again. The biggest incision and the one all the pins were placed through is on the side, below my thumb.

 

And my loyal friend. My thumb is immobilized and that has been tough. The cast doesn't come up as high on my hand or my arm which has been nice. I have enough of my fingers free that I can grip things somewhat.

 

 

This week started off with news that my sweet grandma was admitted to the ICU. I've been fairly out of the loop as to what actually happened, but maybe that was a blessing in disguise. We almost lost her a few times, and by the time I got a decent update, the worst was over. It's hard to see her feel so awful. She is still recovering from breaking her hip, and now has ulcers lining her entire digestive tract. We went down Friday to see her and she looked pretty good, but I couldn't help but feel how fragile life is, and how hard it is to age. Getting old just stinks, and I am convinced that one of the biggest trials of mortality is leaving it. I'm sure the rest of her days will not be without discomfort. I got to share some sweet moments with her for which I will forever be grateful. She is the most patient, loving, kind, and beautiful woman. She just radiates goodness and was more concerned about me (as usual) than herself. We were able to FaceTime with my parents and I know that meant a lot to her and to them. Grandma was grateful to see my dad's face and just said how much she loved him over and over. Technology is such an amazing thing! I regret not being able to keep my emotions in check. I am not sure it helped raise her spirits much having to comfort me, and I fear I was not comforting her a lick with the sadness and concern written all over my face. Not to mention the excess snot I shared.

 

After deciding to put adoption out of my mind to focus on the holidays and surgery, adoption once again found me. This one was particularly difficult. I feel like the situation completely came to us, and because of a number of circumstances, I was really thinking this was it. I tried not to get excited and tried to remain cautious, but it was so reminiscent of how things felt when we met Olivia that I was sure things had a good chance of working out. Mark even expressed similar feelings. When all was said and done, the expectant mother chose another family that she felt was the best choice for her. That is how it should be and I hope the best for her. She is a sweet girl and I appreciated the opportunity I had to get to know her briefly. I have nothing but love for those that are finding themselves in these situations and with all the courage and bravery in the world, make a plan for themselves and their babies. Regardless, it is still hard to be so hopeful and have things not work out the way you want. Once again, I recognize I know nothing and I trust that things work out as they should, regardless of what I personally want. It has very little to do with what I want, and I am sure it is better that way. However, I feel like I am most angry with myself and doubt even more that I have any capability to discern promptings and the Spirit. I left the situation feeling confused about what I needed to learn and what my role in the whole thing was supposed to be. I let my mind wander, dream, and envision what it would be like if it all worked out. Bad idea! Even though I understood and supported her and her decision, it still just hurt and I felt consumed with disappointment. My parents were so busy all week and I wasn't able to talk to my mom about it at all. That is hard, but I have some good friends that are willing to let me cry on their shoulder when needed. Each day that passes things get better, and like I said, I feel fortunate I have been in a place where I am working on keeping a positive attitude, remembering all the things that I do have, and the many blessings I enjoy.

"Hope on, Journey on!"

 

Paige laid out her blanket the other morning and declared we were to have a picnic. She's just sweet.

 

 

She loves to help me make dinner even though it makes me a nervous wreck to have her near the stove. I usually don't let her help me at this stage, but she was so insistent and I was beyond attentive. She took a quick stir and was content to let me take over.

 

The gym emailed me this cute shot from the Halloween party a few weeks back. I sure love this little girl! Glad she is insistent we are "best friends forever."

 

 

On Thursday, Beth and I took the kids on an adventure. We were first timers but had a marvelous time! Her little boys are so fun to be around, and these three play so well together. Paige loves to follow them around and copy their every move. She did whip out a few unforgettable dance performances that I was fortunate to catch on film, all on her own. Mamma bear came out a time or two as some of the other little kids decided Paige and Beth needed to participate in dodge ball. Nothing like having a strange kid chuck balls at your 2 year old's face. I probably could have handled it with a bit more patience.

 

 

On Saturday, we took Tucker out to the trainer's for the winter. He needs a bit of a tune-up and I hope to have some lessons on him this winter. I really want to improve my riding! Tucker is such a sweet boy, especially in the arena. Paige insisted on using her reins, which are saddle strings, instead of holding the actual reins. That sure makes the process more difficult, but Tucker was pretty good about it and just followed me as I walked out in front. When we put Tucker in his stall, Paige burst into tears. I don't know if it is because she thought he was imprisoned or because he wasn't coming back home with us. She was fairly inconsolable!

 

 

Funny things Paige has said lately:

 

 

When she picks out her underwear each day: Nope, not those ones. I will pee in those and make a sad choice. Yes, these ones, I will keep them clean.

 

 

After wiping up a mess on the floor: Good as new Mom!

 

 

Telling her to eat her dinner so she won't be hungry she says: I don't want to be hungry, I just want to be Paige.

 

 

Scolding the cat: Boots, don't be naughty, don't come in the house and make a sad choice.

 

Scolding me at the trampoline park: Don't throw things at your friends (I was playing with Beth's son Parker. She may have been confused after the whole strange kid nailing unsuspecting people in the face ordeal)

Don't jump like that Mom, you will hurt your head.

 

I need to watch Buzz. Buzz Lightyear (not to be confused with other Buzz's).

 

Your car smells like poop Mom. (it kind of did for awhile--unknown origin)



 

 

 



 

Change

Earlier this year, it felt that everyone and everything around me was going through a change of sorts, and I was stagnant. I HATED it. Some people really like to coast, and I probably should too, but I am not good at it. I get anxious and crave change. I don't know what's wrong with me. If no outside forces are causing anxiety, I can conjure up some good worries all on my own. I fretted about my perceived road blocks and wished for something, anything to happen. Then a whole lot of rollercoaster rides happened, none of which resulted in anything but a good ride and I kind of wanted off! I realized that living the good life wasn't too bad and it really was possible to just be happy. Once again, I credit it to good people in my life. As my birthday neared, I was pretty darn depressed that where I thought I'd be at 30 is not where I am at all. I thought I'd have things figured out at this point. When you're 15, 30 seems plenty old to have yourself together! I do not think for one bit I have this life thing figured out. I still don't know how to dress, or how to wear make-up. I still have juvenile thoughts and tendencies. I honestly just feel slower, older, have welcomed some unflattering additions like wrinkles, sun damage (self-induced but no melanoma----yet, that's my current favorite worry btw) and unwanted hair in unwanted places (too much information you say?!).  However, I am learning that some things are just flat out of my control and I will always want something different until I learn to just accept things and choose to be happy. It's a new thing for me and I am not an expert yet. I could feel a sense of despair setting in today about something I wish and want so badly, but it is out of my hands and no sense letting the want ruin the now! So, while nothing in my life has changed much this year, I have noticed a few small differences. Mostly in myself. I'm trying and that's an ok place to be.

 

This little bug is constantly changing. Doesn't she just look so grown up? She is getting big and smart and just blossoming into her own little person. We got our flu shots and she handled it like a champ! Mine hurt like a bugger and I had a sore arm for a few days. What gives?!

 

 

Paige gave me the sticker she got for being so brave at the doctor. She placed it there herself and said my "owie" was all better. It did make me feel pretty good and I'm sure drew even more attention  to the club. I go in tomorrow and hope to say goodbye to this thing and learn the game plan for the next 3 months.

 

 

Mark and Paige gave me this beautiful picture for my birthday. I've wanted it for years but couldn't bring myself to purchase it. I love it, and it looks great in our living room. And of course what's a day without some tea from a pink cup?

 

 

And just to make Monday a bit more bearable, we met up with Beth and her cute boys for some playtime. I'm thinking an arranged marriage might be in Paige's future, and Beth has two good options! Paige had a great time sitting there with Parker until we actually put a token in the ride. At that point she was done.

 

 

 

Blessed

Despite the lack of an opposable thumb, this week has been beyond amazing and I have had an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the people in my life. There have been times in the past where I have felt so alone, down-trodden, and down right miserable. I am trying to understand why I felt so isolated in those moments, because I am surrounded by good people! I must have had blinders on. Watching my parents leave on their mission was a challenge, and I miss them, but my Heavenly Father has blessed me in their absence with wonderful friends. Your mom has to love you, friends choose to!

I went to bed thinking how amazing and mindful people can be. I hope I can follow their lead and look outside myself more. Let me share a few examples of what I'm talking about:

First, my sweet husband has been so good to make beds, wash dishes, and bathe the baby. These aren't normal tasks for him, and he has really stepped up to the plate. His sweet mom watched Paige on surgery day and took us all out to dinner last night for my birthday. She's a doll!

Second, we have had more meals and treats than we know what to do with. Sunday was a night of good friends and food. It was fun to get together with two families in our ward and enjoy each other's company. Lots of laughs-- the best medicine for sure.

Third, a good friend brought my favorite salad for dinner, and personalized dishes for my significant others on Monday. She is so service oriented and is always so mindful of me and my needs! I also had a wonderful neighbor bring enough potatoes over to serve as a side for all our dinner meals this week.

Fourth, another good friend invited Paige and I over for lunch on Tuesday. We had such a fun visit and our kids played so well together. She didn't laugh at my irrational worries, and listened as I poured out some embarrassing challenges and weaknesses, all without passing judgment. Her children are so sweet. I feel like they were my substitute kids during those infertile years and they just melt me. They are growing so fast, but still let me give them hugs. They are great kids!

Fifth, a friend from high school and I have recently become reacquainted. I feel like we missed some valuable years I can never get back. She just might be my other half, my MUCH better other half. I want to be just like her when I grow up. She brought  Paige and I lunch and then proceeded to wash my hair, put gel in it, and blow it dry. This brings tears to my eyes. Such a silly thing, but while I can manage those things, it isn't easy and only half my hair ever gets clean. Applying gel with one hand evenly throughout your hair is impossible in case you were wondering. Anyway, it kind of surprised me when she offered, like she really thought about what might be a huge deal when you have one usable limb. She didn't even put gloves on as she washed my disgusting mop of a head. It was so kind and thoughtful, and to be able to go to a restaurant looking halfway decent was a treat. She has unflappable optimism and the best sense of humor.

Sixth, one of my most favorite people ever stopped by today for a visit bearing treats and gifts. We had such a wonderful visit. She is my hero! We used to work together and she inspires me live life to the fullest, to find your passion and live it. She is 60+ years old, retired, and literally runs the Grand Canyon. She's a blessing in my life!

Last but not least, I've had a few calls from my long distance bestie/personal nurse. She's my rock and knows me better than I know myself. I've also had a few surprise calls from longtime family friends. I'm overwhelmed by their thoughtfulness. It is humbling to know people are mindful of your circumstances. Heavenly Father blesses us through other people. It's true.  I've got some stepping up to do. I can definitely look outside myself and serve other people more. I hope I am as good as friend to these people as they are to me. I'm so very blessed.

Spooky

 

This post is dedicated to all things scary. Honestly, Halloween is my least favorite time of year, but there seems to be a whole lot of spookiness circling around this year so I might as well document it all. What's this you say? This adorable blue-eyed blonde isn't spooky? Her love for make-up and the over the shoulder, model serious pose at 2 freaks Mark and I out just a bit!

 

 

The amount of "tea" we have been drinking lately is somewhat scary and the king of the jungle is always invited. So is Olivia the Pig, but she is a miniature sized doll and is awfully hard to work with.

What scares us most are the times we can't find "Yivia and Yion" and it's time for sleep. Not gonna happen without them!

 

 

I literally couldn't remember the last time I had carved a pumpkin before this year. We had Mark's parents over for FHE and we had a really fun time. We were pretty amateur and I only bought one carving set, most of the time we used kitchen knives and I was fairly certain the ER was in our future. We came out unscathed with three scary jack-o-lanterns that Paige has enjoyed lighting each night.

 

 

Paige attended her first real party, and was awfully scared. I don't normally classify her as a shy child, but she really hates being the center of attention or "big to-do's". Needless to say she didn't enjoy the party as much as I hoped she would. She clutched her bag that housed "Yivia" and kept to herself.

 

 

Striking a dainty pose in a pig costume. Spooky. The bump on her forehead that refuses to go away is scaring her mom a bit as well!

 

 

The amount of adorableness in this picture is truly frightening!

 

 

She accessorized this picture herself. The size of the diva in that tiny little frame is a bit terrifying. That's a whole lot of personality to love! But I can't help it, I fall for it time and time again.

 

 

I'm a little scared this is the last game I'll be playing in for the year. This picture wound up on the front page of the paper which was a little surprising, but kind of fun too. Nice to have proof that I actually do play, just not very well! It was a good article about the popularity of indoor soccer in the area and the need for bigger facilities--very true!

 

 

I am three days post-op now and the road to recovery is a bit daunting. The pain has been much less than anticipated, and doesn't come close to what I experienced earlier this summer with the break. The size of the bandaging has been a bit of a challenge, however. It comes off in another week, but with three pins in my wrist, I fear I maybe in a cast of sorts for the long haul. I was incoherent for most of the hospital stay and Mark didn't take detailed notes. I'm not entirely sure what happened or what the game plan is. I hope to have those questions answered on the 12th. Mark has been so helpful and I've been able to rest. I curse the time change and the fact Paige is waking up an hour earlier. We are on our own today, and I know by the afternoon I will be looking forward to a nap. I hope she is too! The spookiest event ever looms on the horizon, the dreaded 30th birthday. Ewwwww. Why?! How?! Sigh. I am not prepared for this!