Today’s inspiration courtesy of Time magazine’s list of the great quotes from immortals like William Shakespeare, René Descartes, Mahatma Gandhi, and Buzz Lightyear.
Mike is happy.
Relatively.
With Apologies to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, Please Enjoy this List of Even More Bird Names that Sound Like Insults
Red-breasted Fat Ass
Great Northern Dipshit
Longtailed Fucktard
Captain Skinny Tits
Common Fucklet
Red-headed Stepchild
Double-crested Shitlord
White-fronted Twat Waffle
Upland Taint Biscuit
Ruby-throated Ass Clown
Baltimore Areola
American Cock Socket
Eastern Wooded Shart Balloon
Blue-winged Knob
Lesser Dicklet
Connecticut Spotted Putz
Short-eared Shit Kicker
Fashion-illiterate Twit
Dickwit
Johnson’s Tiny Woodpecker
Presenting the guaranteed winning formula for filling out your 2024 March Madness bracket. And also, you’re 7.
If you’re ready to finally win your office pool, keep my kid’s surefire strategies in mind when you make your picks.
GEORGETOWN “Because I like Curious George.”
TENNESSEE “Because Hannah Montana was born there.”
GEORGIA TECH “Because Texas is a place.”
BUTLER “Because there’s a ‘butt’ in the front.”
MURRAY STATE “Because Belle’s dad’s name is Maurice.”
MARQUETTE “Because the Golden Eagles thrive when they get their paint touches, so with Kolek at 100%, watch for Shaka’s boys to continue the pounding they gave to the Vols in the Final Four as they match up once again with UCONN for the title.”
KANSAS “Because Dorothy lives there.”
CORNELL “Everybody likes corn.”
WOFFORD “And waffles.”
And KENTUCKY “No reason.”
“Why football isn’t the same since Tom left” or “LET’S FUCKING GO (back to 2019) !!!”
I’m just going leave this picture here with the following accompanying statement:
Football is less without him. Oh, I still watch, but it’s not the same. Sloppy, inefficient, inconsistent, undisciplined, flat-out dumb. The game is a mess.
And it doesn’t matter which team – which quarterback – we’re talking about.
So let’s start with just the “good” ones.
The Eagles and Dolphins – The worst “good” teams of all time. Both were one-and-done in the playoffs, the latter never beating anyone good and the former falling apart once the weather in Philly turned and the place started smelling less like feet.
Dallas – One of my favorite people in the world is a Cowboys fan so I won’t say anything bad here. And I once met Dax Shepherd – which is what I keep calling him for some reason. He was a genuinely kind, patient and decent guy. (Probably why most Cowboy fans hate him.)
Josh Allen – The Bills’s (Yes, that’s correct grammar. Fight me) QB1 is little more than Tall Brett Favre – an amazingly talented and athletic shit show.
Kermit the Quarterback – Pat Mahomes is a playground sensation, and that can be fun, I guess. But he sounds like a muppet and he’s a soft crybaby when things don’t go his way. Also, what’s with the great big helmet? Quarterbacks are supposed to be cool. You look like the Jack in the Box guy.
Ugh… Baker Mayfield – … who will, any day now, remember that he’s Baker Mayfield, and go 11-for-48 for 81 yards, with four interceptions, two fumbles and a cool headband if it were 1983.
Jordan Love? Meh. The best thing about him is that, somewhere in Park Slope, Aaron Rogers is sitting in a coffee shop wearing a stupid wool hat and crying into his decaf espresso with 2% Tahitian vanilla cream and five Splendas.
Of course there are some who might be able to fill the void a bit:
Joe Burrow – A pleasure to watch at times, but in this, the year of the backup, we don’t even have the kid from Home Alone to root for.
C.J. Stroud – He’s been wonderful so far. Record-setting. So maybe there’s hope. But then again, he’s an Ohio State QB.
Lamar Jackson – I’d take him on my team any day. He’s tough, seems like a decent person and he’s got a ton of heart. (Patrick, take note: This is what cool looks like.)
Brock Purdy – I guess he’s a good story. Kinda like Robert Redford in The Natural. Except with age-appropriate casting.
And then there’s Jared Goff – He’s someone you can genuinely be a fan of. For some, it might be that he looks like that actor whose name I can’t remember. For me, it’s that his former team kicked him to the curb – in favor of the guy whom he beat last week – and now he’s playing for redemption. I’ll forever believe that Brady doesn’t become Brady without that chip on his shoulder from being selected 134 picks after Giovanni Carmazzi . So yeah, shove it up their asses, Jared.
Anyway, enjoy this weekend’s playoff games – as much as you can – and join me in saying a little prayer that Jerod Mayo’s first smart decision as HC of the NEP is to bring back a divorced, middle-aged dad with a great big chip on his shoulder for one more run at it.
#LFG
Mike is happy. 
