Blurry

Exams are over... definately amongst the worst I've ever bothered to give... She is opening up. It's pathetically obvious now. But maybe her change in atitude is simply her compramise in order to bear me with all my friends around. Besides when/if she ever feels remotely as intensly about me as i do about her, I guess it will be all worth it. But someday, I'll make sure she knows how it feels to be ignores and rebuked as i have.

I guess its not really an 'if' question for me anymore.

She is mine, whether she likes it or not.

And she'll be the happiest girl in the world, whether she like it or not.

Mental Intermission

I think its interesting how alot of the people who visit my blog deduce that I'm a chronically depressed personality. Perhaps clarification before i get another comment like carl's? My blog is for my inner demons, for the insecurities i hold within. it's my little outlet where i let the intensity out before something inside me explodes... but that explosion isnt always one of grief. Although it is, more often than not. The last time I had an intellectual orgasm was quite a few semesters ago... I long to experience that more regularly but unfortunately either time or circumstances or my own pathetic laziness always seem to get in the way.

Yayy... I'm mister Coordiantor now... the big guy. In the forefront of the hypocracy that pervades most institutions in my beloved country. So what does that make me? A product of the system? A victim of the system? But than again, one must first conquer the system before it can be changed. Conquest is close, but by no means complete. And, just like in the story of king Arthur, maintaining peace is more difficult than conquest.

Excalibur

Within

It hurts inside, it really does.

Everything seems to be inconsequential and at the moment, lethargy is my best friend. She has no right to seem potentially perfect for me. Nor does she have any rioght to haunt my every waking hour. Nor does she have any right to be object of all my dreams.

I hate her, and everyone tells me that i'm too good for her.

But why does my chest ache whenever i think about her? Why are there always goosebumps on my skin when i touch her broken anklet? Or smile to myself when fingering the fragments of hwer broken hair clip?

God damn it.. it hurts so much... and the worst part is... that last, small flicker of hope simply will not die.

I hate her. But i hate myself even more.

Changes

'I dont care a damn about how Ali feels about me or anything I do'

Subtle, no?

And there everything goes... just like that. All the affection in the world cant turn a rock to a rose, I guess. But it felt so damnably close.

It's funny, that alot of the time I have a list of things that I could , that I should, write in my blog, but when it's time to write, thew words just seem to disappear.

Except these.

Woh meri jaan thi

That girl was my life.

And life's a bitch.

Elevation

Have I already used this as ab topic?

Who cares?

Lifew is eventful, nowadays, if somewhat monotonous. The emotions are still htere, and the intensity of those emotions s nowhere close to dying down... but the fact that htey are htere every single day has made them somewhat repetative... So whats in a day?

Morning: Annoyance at having to wake up

Mid morning: more annoyance of having to attend class

noon: depression when i see her, and remind myself that shes nowhere near where i want her to be

afternoon: more depression b'cus although i saw her.. jher was sooooo unfulfillinjg... kinda like being starved nearly to daeth and then getting the tiniest nibble of the most delicious thing on earth.

late afternoon: guilt because i'm rewminded of what gr8 friends i have.. and how i shouldnt be peeved when they careabout me as much as they do.

evening: shughal, because i'm sick of the negative energy bottled up inside, so i finally unwind and have a good time with ppl i care about and ppl that care about me..

Ressurection

Did I spell that right?

Does it matter?

Life truly is a rollercoaster.. sudden ups, downs, and the occaisional corkscrew from side to side. And sometimes, as is relevent in my case for the past year, all these things seem to be happening at once. Exciting, yes but sometimes you tend to get a little sick to your stomache. I guess no matter how fearless you are, vertigo will get you sooner or later, especially when realize how wonderfully vulnerable you are up there in the sky without wings.

It's a strange paradox, isnt it? How one can derive weakness from strength and strength from weakness. yet somehow, one seems to generally be able to grasp that last hanging wire by the tips of his thumb and index finger saving him from an unpleasant plummet from up high. instead one seems to save himself by the skin of his teeth, come out dazed, laugh it off, and jump off the proverbial clif called life all over again.

Lovely, isn't it?

Someone tell 'her' that.

Writers Block

Glazed is his eye
And furrowed is his brow
as he writesabout what he writes
when he bears naked
a part of his soul
but peeks through
slit eyes
afraid of what he may see
but feeling no shame
for in his heart he knows
true beauty lies in
what some may percieve
to be ugly
and distorted images of perfection
hide where the heart resides
in tactful imperfection
in that single mole
that doubles a virgin's beauty
or that single stumble
that doubled the height of the mountain you chose to climb
or in the blood and sweat
put into a tree that you nurtured
that grew into the forest
that now sustains you
as you chop it down
giving birth to death all around
and restoring value to life
destroying waht you created
to preserve what was created
for once you too were created
and death was createdto give worth to life
the soul is immortal
or so they say
it's end perhaps the creator forgot to create
for no longer is precious
the thing that you hide
as everyone has one
though they may know not
where they themselves hide it
or what it contains
although sometimes they bear it
naked
and try to discover
through slit eyes
about what to write
about what they write.

Comfortably Numb

To be Continued... once my life starts making sense again.

And when I'm strong enough to bear it.

Without Me

Those bastards.

they celebrated their frikkin borthday without me.

I am pissed.

pissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissed
pissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissed
pissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissed
pissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissed
pissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissed
pissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissed
pissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissed
pissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissed
pissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissed
pissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissed
pissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissed
pissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissedpissed


need i say more?

anyway, i found another poetry place:

livepoets.blogspot.com

maybe I'll start posting there as well.... It sounds pretty nice.


The last 2 weks have been filled with events... I went to florida with my family and some family friends, and really had a great time. We went to Universal's Islands of Adventure which was terrific and then to Disney's Animal Kingdom which was also fun (esp. when this singer lady startedf to flirt with me while she was on stage...lol!!!) Got an ancient celtic amulet for 'her'... the design is called the 'knot of eternity'... cool, no?

After that, on our way home, we decided (s[pur of the moment) to go to wiliamsburg, Virginia which is close to both virginia beach and Busch Gardens, which is an arse kicking theme park... after which we came home... enjoying a trip that lasted 12 days instead of the 5 that we had planned it to last. How cool is that?


anyway, I havwent had hte time to write anything for ages, and I'm pissed at myfriends for having the party without me.

I'm pissed... dont want to write nymore!!!

Self

This is what I wrote in reply to a topic on [eP]isodes that asked for a persons written self-potrait... Guess I liked what I wrote.

walking a rugged path amongst desolate peaks
plains morphing to mountains
and mountains to seas
the backdrop littered with the bodies of those that were my companions
their numbers shrinking day by day
and me
near the forefront
not quite the spearhead of the
exodus
but still quite close
in loose jeans, a ragged t-shirt and comfortable old nikes
somewhat tired, but still strong
cut here, bruised there
with a bit of dust on my cheeks
because I've fallen many times during the journey
but have always had the strength to get back up
just for the love of the road that I tread upon
for the gentle plains that become treacherous mountains
and for the forbidding peaks melting into homely plains
with the fireball sun overhead
that will incinerate the land I stand upon
someday
but that day is still far
though, not as far as it once was
for it has yet to go through so much
as I have gone through so much
yet am ready for so much more

...let it come.

It's Been Awhile

Long time..no?

Hanvent written anything for...forever..lol... but then again, I havent had much time.
Its been a pretty busy week.. on vacations.. spent a day in dubai, then 5days in amsterdam, and now im in the good ol' U S of A.

Having fun.. a pretty nice break, this is proving out to be. Have been getting closer to my family over this vacation, and its nice to feel that i still know the, and that they havent become strangers like I was afraid of. I went to York in Pennsylvania today, to abusiness meetinbg with my dad. It was actually alot of fun and we had a terrific lunch. The best part...lol.

The internet here is AMAZING. Alot of it is wireless now, so i can access the net on my dad's laptop while cruising in the car!! at 54 mbps!!!!

holy shit.

Were probably going to go to busch gardens in a few days, that'll be LOADS of fun.

Will tell you when I get back.

bye for now.

Answers

Lets answer a few question, or rather, clear some misconceptions a kindly soul has developed after reading through my blog.

I came across your blog while surfing Blogger, and I can't help but noice that you seem very despondent over life in general and over a specific girl in particular.

despondent isnt the word, my friend. It's more about thirst, its about semi-methodolically recognizing what I want to change, and then going ahead to change it full throttle. more like 'carpe diem, baby'.

I dont quit, I dont break. And, thanks to the grace of God, I always seem to manage to pull through, albiet somewhat scuffed, occaisionally.

The major religions happen to be a point of interest for myself, although so far, I have found Islam to be most satisfactory. Maybe if I can get my hands on this book 'The Case for Christ' I'll give it a read.

Right now, my life isnt devoid of meaning. The very existance of the fire within gives it meaning.

Thanks for your concern, and do keep visiting. I look forward to hearing from you again, carl.

Vacations

Well, I'm finally at home with my family for the long haul....i.e. until august. Its nice to finally be home, but what can Iay... I still miss my friends...and her.

Hope she misses me even slightly.

Nevermind.

Anyhow, I have got tgo get back to writing.;..and soon! I miss the power of the pen.

It seems like the next 2 months may, to great extent, determine the outcome of my life. Wish me luck, its a challenge.

Good Bye

I told her good bye today. I guess i am slightly upset at not having gotten even the slightest of reactions from her. Nothing but a cheerful 'oh, bye, and have fun'.

damn

This was the third good bye. lol
talk about pushing things.

When will august come?

It's strange, being dragged away from one thing you love to another, when all you want is both.

Bye for now.

A farewell

but not

The farewell

but whatever it is

may you fare well.

Last Week's Post

this is last weeks post, which didnt get posted for some strange reason:

Interesting.

Everyone else says that she is opening up big time.

I dont see it.

Then again, I do seem to be blind to the miniscule clues presented by the female species. Either that, or I always seem to pick out the wrong ones.

Exam tomorow, as well as an open house session with the dean and pro-rector of the university. yahoo.

Life is annoying, especially since my PC is busted and I'm constantly uopdating my blog and posting on episodes from college.

Hard to let the fire out from there.

Burn baby, burn.

Sick

U know, i think i'm developing some wierdo psychological problem. I go to college for almost the sole reason for seeing her. And then when I dont, i get pissed. Then, when i do, i still get pissed because it never seems to be enough. I always want to be with her... but it seems that it'll take quite a while before that happens...

and you find yourself looking for the same beautiful face in every white cultus that passes by

god, i am totally pathetic.

And sick of myself.

Look at me, the proud arse that never went out of his way for almost ANYONE.......

.....reduced to this.

Help me, someone.

Tyranny

On a plane of existance
completely within my grasp
where pages turn not
where ink flows not
without my desire
A mark, I created
unique and perfect
within it's own imperfection
as there were so many others
much like it
yet none
quite like it
one whose replica
I could never recreate
and thus for me
a mar upon
a perfect white sheet
of my delusion
of perfect control
and the cxreator drowned
his creation
in the causes of it's birth
under layers of it's own
birthing ink
but,
the layers consisted of
more marks begotten
blending and fusing
into a dark blue pool
of birthing fluid
and my mind
the creators mind
concieved
a paradox of intention
and a breach of power
for although the mark i drowned
under a sea of marks
did it live on?
beneath a sea of it's bretheren
created to drown it
but camoflauging its existance
beneath therr own existance?

Life

Life is pretty OK right now. Things are pretty stable, especially now that exams are on the way. Main ne kaunsa parhna hota hai vaise bhi...

Anyway.. dont have much to say.. just thought I'd update my blog for the hell of it..lol

I fdo have a fairly philosophical new write coming up... but I'm too lazy too polish and write it.

20

OMG. Sana is SO right, im now officially a budha!

Turning 20 tommorrow... I'm not sure whether i should laugh or cry. This is the first time that the sheer brevity of life has had any effect on me. Seriously, im not a teenager anymnore. Does this mean i have to stop acting like a hopeless for nutcase with overactive hormones? Does it mean I cant glut all the food I can handle everyday for fear of gaining weight... oh crap, I've already done that. Anyway, its seriously a wiuerd feeling.

I've written a new piece... here goes:

The New Road

Where do we go now
that all paths have been tread
and every secret withheld
is on display in a glass case
in a freakshow that is part of
a cheap roadside circus

Where do we go now
that our thirst has been quenched
and the grail has been found
and it becomes evident that
paradise isn't all it's cracked up to be

Where od we go now
a heap of exhausted flesh
and cracked bone
yet still alive
and since we still breathe
at the end of the road
perhaps then its time
to make a road of our own...

Naivete

I finished it....

Here goes;

Naivete

Fire eyed and silky tongued
The devil mired the virgin
onto a boat named vanity
and promised to row her across
a decietful sea
encompassed within her own innocence
she agreed
for she knew that in her naivete
only disillusionment could break her
only reality could break her
and in her princepled world of make-believe
she was secure
so the devil rowed her across
that treacherous sea
every wave a mountain
every stroke a war
every smile a lie
in the middle of the jouney
out of sight of any land at all
the virgin's innocent smile
pinched the devil
and out poured his essence
not blood, but salted water
the same as the sea
and she tried to bale herself out
but found it somewhat hard to do
with one pair of hands to bale
and two leaking eyes
an ash-eyed rag-tongued carcass at her feet
and a confused pulsing mass in her mind
thus did sink a boat named vanity
and the virgin's essence became
the same as the sea
but she did not perish
nay, she lived on
and arived at her destination
the shore
fire eyed and silky tongued

Coming Back to Life

I'm free.
So fucking free.
yay.

lol.

Exams are finally over, my presentation finished! Just bme hanging around oing jack shit from now until eternity...or at least until the end of the month.

Life is prety good right now... seems to be on a posative note overall. I've finally started working on something... if anyone could help me out with it (or even tell me that it sucks) I would really apprieciatew it.

Naivete

Fire eyed and silky tongued
The devil mired the virgin
onto a boat named vanity
and promised to row her across
a decietful sea
encompassed within her own innocence
she agreed
for she knew that in her naivete
only disillusionment could break her
only reality could break her
and in her princepled world of make-believe
she was secure
so the devil rowed her across
that treacherous sea
every wave a mountain
every stroke a war
every smile a lie
in the middle of the jouney
out of sight of any land at all
the virgin's innocent smile
pinched the devil
and out poured his essence
not blood, but salted water
the same as the sea
and she tried to bale herself out
but found it somewhat hard to do
with one pair of hands to bale
and two leaking eyes
an ash-eyed rag-tongued carcass at her feet
and a confused pulsing mass in her mind

-to be completed-

any ideas?

What?

Another day dawns.

I have a terrific 8 days to go until my next exam... Therefore, one can conclude that I DO havetime to procrastinate!

YAAAYYYY!!!!

Okay, now back to normal.

Can't write anything. This is seriously frustrating, maybe I've lost the little bit of flame that I had.

'Pyromancer' indeed.
Sarcasm

I'm going nuts nowadays listening to "Here Without You" by 3Doors Down. Terrific song, people.

Reminds me.....of me.

lol.

I'm too self-constrained to let the words flow at the moment. I guess I'll just log off, and let everybody jump to there own conclusions.

Have fun.

Bastards.

Almost Free

I'm almost free, just four more exams to go. Two should be fairly easy, and two will probably suck. Oh well, nothing matters, as long as i get my freedom. Kasam se... it'll be like somebody has pushed the 'play' button on the remote control of my life.

I hate this horrible witer block I currently sem to have. I'm coming up with pretty good individual lines, but nothing seems to be amalgamating together. Damn.

Emotionally confused as usual. Let's not go there. Nevermind.

This blog is actually quite a self-constructed paradox, actually. I write out all my emotions (albiet in a slightly abstract manner) even things that I normally hise right oout on the internet, where ANYONE can find them. But at hte same time, this litle page, a small microscopic dot in the infinite universe that is cyberspace is ridiculously dificult to find.

A perfect representation of what I refer to as the 'dig if you desire, but please dig' mentality, perfectly expressed in the song 'epiphany' by Staind (One of my personal FAV. bands.

I am nothing more than a little boy inside, that cries out for attenton and yet I always try to hide"

I'm hiding.

Even here, where I lay everything bare.

Find me if you desire.

My only desire

Is for you to have that desire.

Dig.

Dig Deep until you find the true fertility

Beneath trhe bedrock.

Words

I play with words
Because words play with me
Bouncing me about
like a ball made of flesh
why cant i seem to get out of this?
why does everything i feel have to seem so true?
or is it still more than it seems?
how much more can there possibly be?
why does that little lock of hair have to stray
on to that nymphish face
teasing eyes
glowing radiance
sleepless nights
monkey wrenched brain
broken heart?
yet... still hope?

Strange

Isnt it strange, that whenver you think you've started getting over something (whether you like getting over it or not) it seems to come back and hit you on the face?

I'm supposed to be studying for my midterm exam right now.. its 3 hours away. But blogging is much more productive.

obviously.

Another strange thing is that one has the most fun when one if under loads of pressure, as i have been in this month and will be in until the mid of April. Exams and deadlines are terrific excuses to get together with friends, hang out and get some work done at the same time.

The shadow performanc thing went brilliantly, thank god. I think even 'she' was impresed. lol. I'm totally pathetic.

Need to get priorities in order, but its not easy when a single thought seems to drown everything else out.

People have probably stopped reading this. I guess it's because I'vfe been so busy that I cant pudate it. Really, i was so exhausted and busy that i didnt shower for 2 straight days. damn, i wasnt supposed to write that. dont want to erase it either.

guess I'll go and find someone to annoy, I'm always really good at that.

Just something i wrote in Huma Imtiaz's blog (atrophyingsenses.blogspot.com).. in answer to a rhetorical question.

Guess I kinda liked what I wrote.


who am i?

i wish i had something meaningful to say here.

unfortunately, i dont.

my theory.... is that self is the synergy of mind and heart.

let your heart decide where it is you want to go, and let your mind takev you there...as in use your head to get ther, dont just imagine it! *DUH*

then you'll realize that the destination you seek is the road beneath your feet.

and perhaps you'l find peace in the fact that you hunger, in the fact that you aspire,

in the fact that you are not at peace.

No time to Procrastinate!

Life is busy as hell nowadays. Dont even have time to indulge in my favourite pastime: procrastinating.

Have some great ideas, have alot to study, have alot to catch up on.

Lets hope i havent spread myself too thin, although I do believe I have.
I'd rather be writing stuff, but looks like I wont have the time for the next couple of weeks.

A Requiem Of Silence

Unheard but not unsaid
My every gesture speaks
and every line on my forehead
Tells a story
of gestating dreams and dying ambitions
of dismay in victory and ecstacy in defeat
every tear shed or unshed
follows a line of tragedy
slick salt upon my wounds
and every look gives birth
to a single answer
for so many questions
and so many questions
for a single answer
while not a leaf stirs
nor vocal chords reverberate
all thoughts and sensations drowned out
by thunderous requiems of silence

A Missionless Mission

GHQmustgo said...
What are your goals for this blog, out of curiosity? Mission statement?

Interesting question.

Here goes the answer.

This blog is written out of narcisstic need
To fan the flame within
To expell the fire from my bones
This blog is written to justify every tear that has ever been shed
and every tear that is being shed
and every tear that shall be shed

and every tear withheld

It is written to lay at peace the ghosts of the past
so that i may face the daemons of today
so that i may conquer whatever comes tommorrow
to achieve peace of mind
while recognizing that peace is stagnation

and stagnation is death

these are odes to loves unloved
loves lost
and lost loves
whether it be love of another
or love of self
or love of spirit

or love of love

This is a beacon of revelation for the emotions of a very shy individual
that fears showing his emotions
yet wants everyone to know how he feels.

Welcome to my blog.
It's beauty lies
within the eye of the beholder

Damn

She hates me.
terrific.

maybe I'll vent my emotions some other time.

Life sucks.

Yes, i know that you know that life sucks.

Big day tommorrow.
God help me.

Why the hell am i writing this?
No frikkin idea.
never seem to have one.

I'm sick of being confused all the time.
I need prozac.
Complaining feels so damn good.
Lets hope i survive.

The Eye Of The Beholder

I turned my light into darkness
and hid all my secrets in its farthest corners
knowing that your radiance would light the way
and hoping ot see the sparkle in your eyes
as the story of my heart would unfold before you
a fused chakra of fire and ice
dethroning kings
destroying demigods
only to lie defeated
by your delicate ankles
and your teasing eye
I will be your shield
if you hold me up from behind
please dont mind my scars
they're made of joy
I'll protect you with my calloused skinif you nurture what lies within
the softness i dare not reveal
lest its beauty be contaminated
by the eye of te beholder
until then,
I'll turn my light into darkness
hoping your radiance will come and light the way
and hope that you do not misconcieve
that the darkness was meant to keep you out
that my secrets are meant to remain buried away
You can here them, cant you?
they're screaming for release
begging to hold you in their warm embrace
within their hearts, hoping against hope
that you will see
the truth beneath the facade
the strength beneath the weakness
the beauty beneath the exterior
the sun beneath the night
and the light beneath my eyes.

Dont Know

dont know what to do
dont know what to say.

not sure if i can bear it all.

but i value it too much to let it go away.
Never thought I'd feel this way.
Guess I'll just ride the wave.
and hope things get better.

this is not poetry that I write,
they are the ramblings of my heart.
typed without filter
expressed without thought.

god save me.

the maelstrom of my hatred will engulf you,
devour you,
and spit out oyur bones to join my own,
if my malice spares even that.

Solace

Pray.

That the clouds shall crack
and heal the earth with their rain
for only the wounded may be healed
thus wounds I do not fear

Run now, begone
There is no solace here

Hope.

That your eyes do not turn astray
from what you do and from what others did
from pain that I cannot see
Thus pain I canot fear

Run now, begone.
There is no solace here.

Breath.

While you still have breath
For its end lurks as your shadow in the noonday sun
For death is inevitable
Thus death I do not fear

Run now, begone.
There is no solace here.

Enlighten.

Conquer darkness with your touch
Uplift the downtrod with your soul
Gently now, reality is harsh
'tis reality that I fear

Sit with me and wonder...
...perhaps it's time there was solace here.

Coyote and The River

coyote saw a river in the desert
cutting a path through sand and stone
hitchhiker silt coming along for the ride
specs of quartz and dried clay
as diamonds in its rushing torrent

"Why are you here, Oh river young
in the land of parch and unforgiving sun
run now from this place while your essence still lives
and let this fertile sand return to its scorched abode"

"my thanks for your plea, Oh coyote fair,
but water is my essence and it shall find its way
past hill through dale over sand and under stone
the sun shall not turn me astray
time is my essence and within it there is no abode
So fear not,
for i am where I am meant to be"

"perhaps you speak the truth, Oh river wise
for time does change
yet change is constant
tides rise and fall as the moon waxes and wanes
the nature of change itself is subjected to change
perhaps it is time to cease existnace in parables
and explain to one another what we are"

"you are coyote yet coyote yu are not
a curious observer
a shrewd inner-looking eye
cunning in nature
free by spirit"

"you are river yet river you are not
the herald of time
the symbol of change
unstoppable by nature
liquid in spirit"