MushyStuff

To all the three women that held some portion of my heart.

The first one, the elf. I dreamt about you last night. I ran into you
and your sister- and finally managed to congratulate you on getting
engaged. Threw in congrats for your upcoming marriage too- since
you're getting married next month. My feeling for you were very very
deep- after all, you were my first. As immature and imperfect as it
all was when it occurred, it was rather beautiful. Even if you never
admitted it, I know I had you at the end. Before circumstances took
over and reality came to full boil. If I ever get the chance, I will
be there for you. In a selfless, healthy way. I honestly hope you have
a happy marriage. But forgive me if some remnants of your memory
remain. After chasing after you like a chhichora for a year and a
half, despite extreme zilalat, I deserve that much at least? After
all, you were the first girl I fell for. And God damn it, I fell flat
on my face.

To the devil, know that I call you the devil out of affection and not
vindiction, despite our last conversation when you tried so hard to
scar me. All you ended up doing was sullying your own memory. I've
hated myself enough to know what aspects of me deserve hate. Those
weren't them. But I'll remember you fondly- and sometimes I will
regret saying no. But know that, if you had held on just a little bit
longer- you wouldve had me. The walls were cracked. I'll remember you
fondly as well- you were the first woman who made me feel loved.
Desired. And for that, I'll always be greatful.

To the third, the tigress. You had me, like you've had so many before
me, enthralled. I was stubborn and refused to dive in before I knew
where you stood. As wise a move as I've ever made. I realize you may
not be over him. And I realize that you may need something to fix. I
am not him- and I fix myself. But you're so beautiful- moreso in mind
and soul than in body. There is a certain paradox in your physical
fragility. You are so strong, mentally and spiritually. But I could
see the hairline fractures that you were repairing. And I could see
behind the veneer of your troy-like fortress. I could see the Helen
behind the walls. But you see, our timing was all off. It was too
early for you, and too late for me. You reintroduced me to God. You
showed me a glimpse of who I want to be at a time where I was flailing
uncontrollably, walking down every path I could see without a goal in
site. You have given me so much that you do not know.

All of you have.

Thank you.

And in a very real way, you each hold a piece of me- an identity of
who I was only for you. There will never be another elf, another
devil, or another tigress. you each have a special niche in my heart,
and I ferverently hope that I have one in yours that is as cherished
and respected as you are to me.

P.s. Tigress, I'm a rather stubborn man, as you know. You'll hide it
and smother it. But I'm pretty sure I'm in there somewhere. I havent
quite given up :-)

P.P.S. I really hope you dont read this. :-p

It's Been a While Since I Rhymed

Let’s talk about lenses glaring
Let’s talk about today
Let’s talk about sunlight flaring
On a crisp winters day

Let’s talk about hope
And let’s talk about death
Let’s talk about the unknown mountain
Paths
Between your heart and your head

We talk about love and pain
While we make preparations for war
Inside we’re all so fragile
Yet vain
So strong yet armored to the core

And it’s been so long since I rhymed
And it’s been so long since I dined
With you
In the middle of the salty sea
Over a dish
Of freshwater fish
Just you and me

Let’s talk about the past
And let’s talk about regrets
Let’s talk about the last
One
In the list we’ll never forget

Let’s talk about forgiveness
And let’s talk about tears
Let’s talk about the joy of letting out
Hurt bottled up for years

Let’s talk about friendships
And let’s talk about books half read
Let’s remember the chapters we liked
And the rest
Be strong enough to shed

And it’s been so long since I rhymed
And it’s been so long since I dined
With you
In the middle of the salty sea
Over a dish
Of freshwater fish
Just you and me

Let’s talk about ‘us’
(I said to fate)
What’s with all the fright?
I just find it so hard to bear, it replied
Traveling between fall and flight

Let’s talk about anticipation,
then.
And let’s talk about fear
Let’s talk about the farmer awaiting
Black clouds
After toiling the entire year

Let’s talk about talking
And let’s talk about finding
Let’s talk about walking
on
Without the destination being binding

And it’s been so long since I rhymed
And it’s been so long since I dined
With you
In the middle of the salty sea
Over a dish
Of freshwater fish
Just you and me

‘It’s about time we started, then’,
You stated
With a hint of deepest affection
As I sat down to a feast
With you,
My own reflection.



Let’s learn to love ourselves!

Wah wah!

Written on the wall in the packing room at the factory.

Photopoetry

So- here's a concept I'm experimenting with. Pictures and poetry.
Havent gotten the poetry part quite down yet. LOL. But tell me what
you think.

I've heard this life is overrated...

... But I hope that it gets better as we go.

Sent from my iPhone

I know I'm overreacting somewhat. But if, especially after last night,
you're still not going to learn anything....

Fuck you.

Sent from my iPhone

Increase the number from the last post to 5. Some rubaab chick using
the old 'don't you remember my number [insert random name]?' trick.
Upon my reply that she's got the wrong number she says: 'sometimes
wrong turns lead to shortcut. Bye'
Btw- the English in the reply was fixed in this post- so don't worry
Madame blogstalkeress, you're still unique. :-p

Sent from my iPhone

Stalkeresses

Its weird how God seems to give ppl things in chunks. I have 3
stalkers right now.

One is on this blog. She's apparently female and likeable. And has me
rather curious. She's my first stalkeress that uses correct grammar. :-D

One SMS'd me out of nowhere. Some female fraanshipper. When I don't
reply except to ask who she is/where she got my number from, she asks
if I'm committed. Still not getting a reply, she offers to become my
sister if she can't become my friend. Upon still not getting a reply
until 11 pm, she texts 'good night darling'

The third has been trying to get me to love her for over a year now.
She threatens suicide every time I say no. She's kinda scary cuz she
knows where I live and her dads a big shot in the police.

Weirdness.

Sent from my iPhone

Apologies. And apologies in advance.

I'm sorry dad.
And I'm sorry mom.
But we have to do this
We have to get through this.
Otherwise we shall be done
All our hopes and dreams and care
All our hugs and jokes and mushy little games
Will be incinerated by the sun
That loved too much and drew too near
Honesty is rotting, turning to fear
And fear to apathy
You've always loved us a bit too much perhaps
Than was healthy.

Heads and hearts
must learn to coexist
I'm sorry mom
And I'm sorry dad
But somehow I must resist
This daily exploitation
You perform in such
Naive ignorance
I have worked
so hard
To become the man
that I am
The man that loves you.
Your son.

This hurts me as much as it hurts you. Really. It does. Although you
have a penchant for forgetting that you're not the only one who ever
gets hurt. But it is something that must be done. Slowly. Gradually.

And I love you.

Sent from my iPhone

I stood up to him. I even went a bit too far. He gave in, but the
entire episode left me indifferent to what I wanted.

He got the point.

And its hard to stay pissed at your own father. Especially when he
talks about buying you a new car.

Sent from my iPhone

Growing balls

I am such a fucking khassi. I will not let you take advantage of the
fact that hurting you scares the shit out of me. But I've always been
too much of the good boy. Always too willing to sacrifice. Always too
ready to conform.

Its time to get over it.

Now.

Otherwise, I'll never respect myself.

Sent from my iPhone

For a friend(s) (rough edit)

My friend
Your smile is luminescent
And your eyes hold a deep shine
Like finely polished amber
Veiled by the gauze of
The approaching dusk
I've seen your tears
Although you've never wept
In my presence
And as they fall
can we consider them to be
Dripping morning dew?
As we both apparently know
that the dawn shall come soon
And vanquish all these dreams
That you hold so near
And so dear
To your aching bosom
There is a strange sort of beauty
You realize (in all its irony so
Intense it could only be divine)
In beauty's destruction
In how we set ourselves up
So painstakingly
Only to fall like rows of dominoes
Only to crackle and pop like
Iridiscent fireworks
Would it then be horrible if I
Stopped that last domino from falling?
If I gave it back to you
To use as a cornerstone
In the new tower you shall someday make?
And would it be horrible if I
Caught one of your dying embers
And gently blew on it to keep it alive.
and used it to start
A gentle, slow burning fire
To warm you from the inside out?

My friends, I fear
That your smile shall break
With all the magnitude of crashing thunder
And that your eyes shall rain
In bitter raging torrents
But remember that only
In destruction can something
Be born anew
And that something shall always
Be beautiful to me
For no other reason but
Because that thing
Is you.

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday

Waking up at 11.
Hot steamy bath for the cramps.
Qeemay wallay parathey for breakfast. Followed by a solitary gulab
jamun.
Good books
Xbox 360
A little contemplation and writing.

Just add insanely hot sex and this would be heaven. LOL.

Sent from my iPhone

Attempts at photography

Just a few pictures I took. Plz keep in mind that I'm new at this. And
that I havent even touched these in photoshop.

Truth Comes From the Strangest of Places

On My Haj

I put off my raiment and wrapped myself

In the white linen shroud of the dead

In my own home, I sought to destroy my sense of self

And embark upon a journey towards you,

My Lord

'I am present, and at your mercy' I shouted for all to hear

You must have smiled thinking of the irony of my shouting now

What has always been true

And my every step was towards you

Merciful One

But not every step was away from me

For there is no 'me', oh absolute one

 

There is only you

 

I basked in the thought of your presence

As I, like the first of us made by your hand

Encircled your house in wonder

And how could I doubt your affection for me

My Lord

When you drew me near to your home

That blessed spot right underneath your throne

I touched its walls and clung to it in submission

And I asked with tears in my eyes

'Can you see me?'

'Will you save me?'

 

And I'm sure you must have smiled to yourself again

In loving exasperation, My Lord

At the naiveté of my plea

 

The gentle breeze of a desert's winter

Felt like a caress across my back

That you called me to your abode

Is it not enough to make even a deaf man weep-

With joy, in gratitude for the melody of your love?

I was there- in the center of centers, in the core of all that truly matters

 

Knowing all this, how could I ask if you would save me?

For it was for this very purpose that I had been called

 

And even the greatest of fools could see

That you behold every black jagged thorn

That you pull from my heart

And that you behold the radiant purity of my thoughts

When I try to come closer to you

And that you can easily pierce into me to see

That smallest particle of sentience

In the center of my centers buried so deep inside that

It could only be the truth

And the truth is that there is no 'me'

My Lord

There is only you

 

In the midst of my journey towards you

I lay for a day in the hallowed plain

To which you would once again call us

Enshrouded now as I shall be then

 

In the mantle of the dead

 

The day waxed long and the sun lingered low

Men and their shadows fell prostrate

Grinding their foreheads into the dust

And at each other's feet

Underneath your blue-black shroud of clemency

Thickening into dusk, I saw written in the sky

Your name and the name of the Beloved

And thus day fell into night

And your mercy cascaded down

A blessing so relieving

Like cool dew falling on parched grass

During the most unforgiving of summer months

 

What ode could I write, oh Lord

In admiration of the poetry within your design?

Of this divine paradox in our existence

Of sending the mercy of the Beloved

In a land so merciless

This land, my lord, is one where no crops grow

Where water is more precious than many a life

Yet so richly you've endowed it!

There was water being spilled like

It was naught but blood

Rice and wheat scattered like stones and dust

Like they were naught but the bone of the Faithful

And the Fateful

Where heat and cold are both our enemies

And both warmth and shade places of respite

 

In the mosque of the Messenger

I wrote upon countless hands in musk, the beloved's name

Hoping that the love he represented

Would somehow seep into their very veins

And that those hands would rise for

Justice and virtue and goodness

For you, my Lord

For you are our God

And you are The God

And you are my God

And you are the only God

All in perfect symmetry

 

Your poetry transcends all life

It permeates our reality My Lord

For You are the only reality

If only we bother to see

And if only we bother to remember

To find you by losing ourselves

To die in order to truly live

To be slaves in order to be free

To win the greatest of victories in

 

The Surrender

 

 

 

 

---

Windows Live™ Hotmail®: Chat. Store. Share. Do more with mail. Check it out.

Happy new year everyone. Will be back soon, inshallah.

Happy new year everyone. Will be back soon, inshallah.

Tinuviel- invite me to your blog.
Eeda- where art thou?

Sent from my iPhone