Headache go to H…

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I’m so scared, scared of whats gonna happen when my meds is off the market. I got pills for another three/ four weeks then i dont have any pain killers at all. can i keep up with me not drinking or will i relaps. I dont want to do that. But i know how it will be when the pain is to hard to live with and when nothing els works. Lately i got these terrible headaches and i wonder if it has anything to do with the antabuse or the posion is starting to go out of my body.  The headaches hits like i struck of lightning. Like a knife straight through your head. I dont know how long i can stand this.

Im crying a lot nowadays wondering whats gonna happen to me. i didnt choose this life or maybe i did. Who knows? Everyday i keep my smile on my face and pretend everything is ok, but deep inside i wanna scream my lungs out. Someone help me go through this.

Tomorrow im going to my first AA meeting and i hope that will good. I dont know, never been to one before and i never could have dreamed about going to one either. You know

– it never happens to me.

But it did. I know i put myself in this position and it was i who choose to drink. No one forced this upon me. Its so damn easy when you got so much alcohol at home it doesn’t show if you took one or ten drinks. Now its all gone from the house thank god. And i just hope that i can keep up with this. To stay a way from Alcohol……..

Tough day so far……..

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This is the first time in my life i ever write a blog. Its worth trying anyway.

It’s so much i want to get out of my system. My life in the Pills and Alcohol circus. I had a carcrash for about 13 years ago and im disabled to work. and eat pills for my pain and pills to sleep. I think i have my own farmacy soon…

For about four week ago my life came to a turning point thanks to my son. He came to me and said – Mom im afraid that your gonna die if you continue to mix pills with alcohol.

And when you drink a bottle of vodka like you drink water its time to take a good look at yourself and say – What the hell are you doing with your life? The last year ive been more drunk than sober and hurt the people that are closest to me. My Family.

It all started a couple of yearsago when my doc told me that they was going to stop make my pain meds. The only medecin that has worked so far. So i got the bright idea (stupid) that i could drink whisky for a week every month and save a lot of pills until we ( the doc and me) could find something else that would work for my neckpain. Since then ive tried morphine an some other stuff. Only gave nausea. No pain relief 😦

And the best part was that if i took my rohypnol (wich i sleep on) after i had a drink and was about to go to bed. I never got any hangovers. So i kept going until that night my son came to talk to me. Right now i’m on antabuse so i cant drink. If i do i get really sick. But its so damn hard. At home its pretty ok. we have gotten rid of all alcohol we had.

My fear is how its gonna be when your out with friends, partying, or just having a barbecue. And to tell my friend.. How will they react? I’m scared, scared. It’s a whole new life im entering if i can keep away from alcohol. I hope i can
How do you have fun without alcohol? Well you might say its easy . But for me its hard, damn hard to even think about it.

I’m just takin’ one day at a time and hope for the best