Common Facebook Offenders

Posted in My funny life by

Let’s face it….Facebook is no longer the amazing social experience that it was years ago. Besides all of the sponsor ads and other money-fueled marketing filling our feeds, there seems to have been an influx of annoying posts. If your newsfeed is anything like mine, it is filled with bitching, whining depression-fueled commentary from so-called “friends.”

(Note: if you don’t have any friends that make these sort of posts, then you are, in fact, the friend making these posts. Just saying.)

Let’s take a look at some of the common offenders:

1. The constantly-crying-poor friend. This person makes daily posts about how he has fallen on hard times financially . He is always asking if anyone knows of any part-time job opportunities. He is also the one asking for handouts (ex. “Does anyone have a king-sized bed that they are no longer using? Looking to buy one for very cheap, or preferably free.”) This is also the friend who posts about his upcoming Disney vacation and how he can’t wait until the iPhone 7 comes out.

2. The acronym-using friend. This person makes sure to include a LOL or  WTF in every post.  He has an acronym for every mood and emotion and probably  hasn’t spelled out a word in years.

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3. The to-do list friend. This friend likes to give the appearance that she is extremely busy. She will post about the mounds of laundry she has to do, the meals she needs to plan and prepare, the chores she has assigned to herself,  the multiple errands she must run, and, in some instances, the amount of trips to the bathroom that she makes throughout the day. Luckily for all of us, she is able to take time out of her hectic schedule to post on Facebook several times an hour.

4. The hash-tag-abusing-friend. #incaseyourewonderingwhyhashtagabuseissoannoyingattempttoreadthissentenceandyoullwhy

5. The Superman/Superwoman friend. (This friend is almost always guilty of being a to-do-list friend as well, but takes it up a notch.) This Super friend makes sure to post several times throughout the day to pat herself on the back for all that she has accomplished. And she makes the most menial accomplishments seem as if they would be unachievable for us common folks. (ex. “Who deserves the Employee of the Year Award?!? This girl! I just managed to fix the paper jam in the copy machine. I rock!!”)

6. The chronic-dog-picture-posting friend. Oh wait….never mind. That’s me.

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The Adventures of Job Hunting on Craigslist

Posted in My funny life by

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I reluctantly quit my job recently. My schedule was no longer compatible with their schedule, so I had to resign. Unfortunately, I still need to find some source of income in order to keep up with the lavish, blue-collar lifestyle to which I have grown accustomed.

So, I’m doing what thousands of others in my position are doing – taking to Craigslist to search through its plethora of free job postings. Anyone who has ever searched for a job on Craigslist knows what a task it is to sift through the seemingly endless amounts of spam and MLM job posts to find the few legitimate ones. And, of course, none of the legitimate jobs apply to me.

After spending several hours of job searching, I have narrowed down my options to these (real) job opportunities:

1. Adult Baby Sitter Needed. Looking for a woman to babysit me. I do not have any special needs or requirements. 

2. Personal Massage Therapist. $60/hr. No experience needed.  Please send photo.

3. Become a Snuggler. Platonic snuggling and talking. Earn up to $50 a snuggle session. Must be reliable, positive, and have strong interpersonal skills.

4. Female models needed. Looking for women over 18 to submit adult photos for my portfolio. This portfolio will not be shared publicly.

5. Wanted: Female webcam model for a couple’s shoot.  Must be willing to do all things requested. No experience necessary. 

Now, if only I could come across a job listing from someone looking to hire a sarcastic, chronic tv-watching, beach-loving, amateur blogger.

 

 

 

 

The “V” Word

Posted in My funny life by

Vegetarian. That’s what I am. I decided to become one in 2008, after receiving an email that contained a picture of a baby pig. I cannot recall the topic of the email, but I can still remember the picture. After seeing the tiny, adorable future-bacon, I knew instantly that I no longer wanted to eat meat.

I am not a preachy-Vegetarian. I hate to use cliches, but I honestly believe in to each his own. Please don’t judge my lifestyle choices and I won’t judge yours (for the most part.)

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In the 5+ years that I have been a Vegetarian, I noticed that people were asking the same questions about my no-meat, no-fur, no-leather choices. I’ll share the 5 most common questions I get…

 

1. Do you eat chicken? This question gets asked more times than I care to remember and my answer to this question has evolved over the years. At first, I would politely respond with something like, “I don’t eat anything with a face and a heartbeat.” But, several years later, I am no longer as polite. My typical response is: “Why yes, I do eat chickens. As a matter of fact, I just planted some chicken seeds in my garden and am hoping they bloom by early Spring!”

2. Do you allow your kids to eat meat? I actually understand why people may ask this question, so I’m usually much more courteous when answering them. Yes, my family still eats meat and I am usually the one to cook it for them. I believe that Vegetarianism, like religion, is a choice. I won’t push it on anyone, even if I strongly believe in it myself.

3. Is it okay if I eat meat in front of you? Yes, of course it is okay. Unless you plan on regurgitating the meat into my mouth like a mama bird, I’m cool with you eating at the same table.

4. Are you a Vegan? No, I’m not. While I respect Vegans and their choices, I cannot personally follow that lifestyle. Cheese and yogurt are my weakness.

5. So, do you eat salads all day long? Of course I do! There’s nothing like waking up with a hearty appetite and chowing down on a breakfast salad. We all signed an agreement at the big Vegetarian meeting promising that we would never eat anything but lettuce, other veggies and fruits, and organic dressing. But in all honesty, I eat foods that other people eat…pizza, cereal, bread, beans, pasta, etc. I just don’t eat meat or animal by-products. Everything else is game! (no pun intended)

Seriously though, I appreciate that people take the time to ask questions about my lifestyle choice. Hopefully, I am able to educate them and help rid Vegetarians and Vegans of some of the stereotypes. Feel free to ask any other questions. But, I can’t guarantee that you won’t get a sarcastic answer.

 

Would You Like Some Spam With That?

Posted in My funny life by

Anyone who has an email account knows how impossible it is to avoid receiving spam emails. Is spam even effective anymore? Are there still people out there who click on the virus-laden links in hopes of receiving the $136 million that the Nigerian prince (who has absolutely no living relatives) has personally chosen them to receive?

I receive spam daily. To be honest, I look forward to reading the titles because they are so fun to read and even more fun to mock. So, come join the laughter as I keep a running list of some of my favorite spam titles as well as my own little commentary:

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Hook UpWith Babes Tonight – Free Lifetime Access! (I guess they assume I’m a single, horny male and I will be for life)

The Secret To Making Girls Want To Bl0W You…. (Come on….no girl ever WANTS to.)

Tim Russert’s sex scandal exposed at funeral (Who?)

Have the pecker of her dreams (Pecker? Who wrote this? An 8 year old boy?)

IMPORTANT PAYMENT WIRE NOTIFICATI​ON VALUED $10.5M (to be used on a lifetime dating membership I assume)

Can U meet up? Pics of me being bad here 🙂 (What do you mean by being bad? Did you talk back to your parents?)

Get Laid Free for a Lifetime! (See lifetime comment above)

FREE VIP PASS TO ALL PUSSIES FROM YOUR TOWN (Does this consist of milk and catnip?)

Local Women Want to Sleepover – Free of Charge Dating For Life !! (Are they homeless?)

Watch it grow bigger (Watch what grow bigger? my bills? my laundry pile?)

Watch Justin Bieber Live on the Red Carpet! (Ummm…..Why?)

An extra inch and you become the Love Guru (I’m in! Wait, how much do Love Gurus make anyway?)

Browse Profiles of Local Jewish Singles at JDate (I guess this would be legitimate if I wasn’t a gentile.)

Ass rimming the easy way (As if there’s a hard way.)

SMELL some fresh body of adorable Mrs. Ebba Zapalac (Sorry, I don’t smell married women.)

Meet Christian Singles Today at ChristianM​ingle (I guess they’re covering all of their religious bases.)

Boobs as big as balloons (FYI, my boobs are as big as balloons. They’re tiny, mostly deflated balloons, but balloons nonetheless)

Stud sucks and rides the cock of a bald bear (And that’s when I start to consider ditching my current email addy and getting a new one.)

New reverse mortgage options for seniors (Fuck you.)

What It’s Like Being Married to a Mechanic

Posted in Husband by

Being the wife of a mechanic isn’t nearly as glamorous as it may sound. Behind all of the prestige and fortune of being married to a service-industry worker, there  is a dark side.

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Here’s what life is like for the wife of a mechanic.:

 

1. My husband’s hands are always dirty. There isn’t enough soap and water in the western hemisphere to clean his oil- and various other car- fluid stained hands.  Sometimes, holding hands can be a health violation.

 

2.  We have certain “friends” that come out of the woodwork only when they need their cars fixed. Sample conversation:

Friend: Hey man, it’s been a long time! How have you been?

Dave: I’m great! How are you?

Friend: Doing great too. Hey, since I have you on the phone, I have a question about my truck…

 

3. I can never rely on his schedule. If he says, “I’m working 7-5,” he really means “I’m working from the crack of dawn until I finish putting a trans in this  minivan. Don’t make plans.”

 

4. He can never own any nice clothes.  When it comes to car-fixing apparel, everything is fair game. He will work in new jeans, old jeans, shorts, sweatpants, undershirts, pajamas, etc. This means that everything he owns will eventually become stained with mechanic grease, tire marks, and whatever he had for lunch that day.

 

5. My backyard has become a graveyard of old cars and trucks, car parts, tools, tires, and other items that my mechanic husband once had big dreams for.  Seriously, you should never walk barefoot in my backyard.

 

6. My car is always the last to be fixed. This means that all of his friends’, family’s, enemies, former football coaches’, customers’, bank tellers’, and even his own vehicle will get fixed while mine slowly deteriorates. Don’t believe me? I DARE you to drive my car right now.

 

 

 

 

Things My Husband Texts

Posted in Husband by

Cell phones have evolved over the years. From the corded car phones in Charlie’s Angels to the bulky Zack Morris phones of the late 80s/early 90s (don’t pretend you have no idea what I’m referring to) and finally to the pocket sized mini-computers of today, cell phones have come a very long way.

And with the evolution of cell phones came the magic that is known as text messaging. Eager fingers pressing tiny buttons in an effort to form words, sentences, thoughts.

Sounds simple, right?

Apparently not…especially if you are my husband. His inability to properly press the correct buttons, combined with the autocorrect feature that he refuses to disable, produces some laughter- (and sometimes headache-) inducing texts.

Sometimes, his texts are nothing more than incoherent babble that autocorrect tries to translate in a way that only autocorrect can:

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Fun Fact: The answer is “Frailty.”

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Other times, autocorrect just throws in the towel.

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And, every once in awhile, autocorrect turns Dave into an accidental racist.

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A simple conversation about car rentals turns ugly.

 

So, until Dave hones his texting skills or tosses his cell phone for good, I expect to add more screenshots to this list.

 

(You’ll note that I wrote an entire blog post without cursing once. Strange.)