Next Time I'll Do Things My Way

Knowing we had until around 8am to get out of the apartment before he got home from work, I took JJ to school, telling her I would pick her up later and we would go to the police. I, for some reason, felt I needed to make an appearance at work. While I was driving my 45 miles to work I called my supervisor and tried to tell her the story. I don't know how she understood me through the tears and sobs but together we figured out that I should return to our little town, pick JJ up from school and go straight to the police. I phoned the police and told them what I needed to report and that we would be there in 20 minutes. JJ was not happy to see me at school. She really wanted to get through her day before she had to face this mess. Once we arrived at the police station we were escorted to a small room where two very kind uniformed officers listened to my story, asked me to write out a statement and explained that the next step was to call the crime victim advocate and CPS.JJ was very brave and strong and told her story to the officers. After several hours, a nice lady from the DA's office showed up and explained that she was from the crime victim advocate program and would be assisting us. She also contacted the local woman's shelter. The next step, they said, was to travel 45 miles where we would meet with CPS and a counselor trained in interviewing sexual assault victims. We had 2 hours before our appointment there. I took JJ to lunch, tried to keep from falling apart, racked my brain about where we were going until we could get back into our home.

Finally we joined a little caravan to our appointment. It felt so surreal. The lead vehicle held the asst DA, the crime victim advocate, and her assistant, followed by one of the uniformed police officers in a his squad car and finally me and JJ in our car. I really wanted to got the opposite direction and pretend this was not happening to us. We arrived at a comfortable office, set up to make children comfortable. I was introduced to the CPS worker who would soon nose his way into every aspect of my life. I met the lady who was going to interview my child. An interview, they explained that I could not be in the room for, nor could I view the video tape of. I was asked to give my written permission for them to interview and video my child. What was I supposed to do? The "specially trained" counselor led my baby into a small room, I was sent to the waiting room where a very well meaning volunteer tried to engage me in small talk for a little while. Didn't work so well. Finally a counselor came to me and reviewed the signs of sexual abuse. I had seen none. She told me it wasn't my fault. Yes it is. I am her mother, responsible for everything that happens to her. She told me how brave I was to believe my child and report the abuse. Are you kidding me? This is really an issue? How do you not believe your child?

Finally, they called me into a small conference room where the asst DA explained the next steps. First, because he has no priors and there was "no penetration" they said honestly, he may never do any time, would be lucky to even be charged. You are fucking kidding me, right? Then they said we could not go home. At all. They said they would assist us in starting our life over, we could stay at the woman's shelter as long as we needed. The shelter where you can't use your cell phone, you have a nightly curfew, you can't leave on the weekends and someone has to be at the school bus stop every afternoon to pick up your child. Oh yes, it's 45 miles from my place of employment.

So back to that Sunday night in September.
My heart literally stopped beating for a couple of seconds then starting beating so fast I thought I was going to pass out. I moved over to the couch with her and she told me her story. I won't put it all here but she said a few words that made me wanna vomit and made me know that she couldn't possibly have made this up. My poor baby. My heart broke in a way that can never be repaired. The one person I trusted with her took part of innocence and trust. I had no idea what to do next. I held her and assured her she would never be alone with him again. I told her she would have to tell her story a few more times, that we had to go to the police. She asked if she could just go to bed for now.Knowing he wouldn't be home until 8am, I put her in bed and fell apart. Who do you call first? CPS? The police? What happens when you do tell this story? I naively thought that you report a crime, they arrest the perpetrator and you go on with your life. I anticipated it taking a day or two. I knew he didn't have any family, his friends didn't have any money, he had no access to money. We were seriously broke. His truck had recently been repossessed and we spent every penny we had access to on that.I thought if he went to jail that he wouldn't be able to get out. I also knew he had been struggling for several weeks with increasing depression. Just a few days before his doctor had suggested he go for a week or so of inpatient treatment. He declined because he had used all his sick time and we couldn't survive without his income.It crossed my mind that if the police approached him or if he knew where we were then he would take his own life. I packed two days worth of clothes, seriously thinking we would stay in a hotel for a couple of days then return home once it was safe. Like I said, I was naive.

30 minutes my ass

I went to counseling yesterday. Partly because it's free, partly because they provide JJ's counseling for free, at the school, so I don't have to miss work and partly because I FREAKIN' NEED it. Not that it is going to help me any.


I say "I can't sleep"- she says "what keeps you from sleeping?"

I say "ummm...the endless cycle of shit running through my head..how am I going to pay my bills?is my child going to be ok?will she adjust to this school?will he be properly punished for what he did?did I make the right decision to move here?why didn't I just kill him instead of going to the police and CPS?what would happen if I killed him?how do I get a divorce?I don't want a divorce because it is proof of one more thing I failed at.I can't stay married to him.Where can I get a second job?who would take care of JJ when I'm working this second job?Why can't I get off the couch?Where did I put that bag of candy?I need that bag of candy.How many more smirnoff ice do I have?It takes 2 ambien and 3 smirnoff to sleep 3 hours.I have 6 ambien left and no health insurance and no money.JJ has 22 days worth of meds and I have no health insurance and no money.I know that withholding letter from the AG office said I should soon start receiving child support in the full amount plus arrears but the web site shows $100.Maybe I should check it again.Maybe it came in 3 payments and they just didn't get them posted.Still $100.I better check it one more time.Should I call my mother?Shouldn't she be trying to comfort me right now,call me every once in awhile?What do you mean you can't cancel OUR car insurance policy and rewrite another one just for me without his written permission?What part of I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS do you not understand.What do you mean you can't give me any information about my health insurance because I'm not the employee, if I knew where the employee was then I wouldn't be FUCKING calling you about this...

She says " everyday you should put aside 30 minutes to concentrate on these issues. Sit down, let those thoughts run through your head and then let them go for the rest of the day"

Welcome to my hell

I sold my soul for health insurance and what I thought was going to be a little security for me and my baby girl. We all know everything comes at a price. I am now paying that price. We have been plunged to the depths of hell.

I lack the formal education to tell this story well. Please forgive the boring prose, the misuse of punctuation.


Some people probably get married because they are in love, have some unrealistic expectation that life is best shared. I have never felt way. Most relationships in my life just happened. I felt an aversion to marriage, never wanted to feel tied down. I spent 7 years with one man (pretty good record for me). That 7 years gave me a little freedom to choose my place of employment based on what made me feel good as a person not the pay or the hours or the benefits. Then I left him and spent 6 months struggling to find a job that payed enough, had insurance, blah,blah,blah.
I went back to him, married him so we could all have insurance and I could work anywhere I wanted. We moved to east Texas.I found my dream job, JJ was doing well in school, I found a good Dr. for her. You know I was bored out of my mind. After a few months he went back to his usual anti-social "I work all night, need to sleep all day" self. We worked opposite shifts, literally passing each other on the sidewalk in the mornings. But I had health insurance and my job so I kept going. I kept going on the weekends to visit my friends back home, I kept going out with my co worker, I kept going shopping, I kept going and going. We were all miserable in our own way. I was able to shop, which made me happy. JJ had a room full of stuff (from my shopping) and he had someone to cook an occasional meal (or bring it home, anyway) and do his laundry.


One Sunday evening I was at the sewing machine, JJ in the floor with her beloved dog, Cross at work. JJ looked up at me and said "Mom, Cross has been making me keep a secret from you." My world fell apart...

Life Sucks

Why when I think things are going well do they suddenly start to suck? Several weeks ago I started planning a trip to visit my daughter and precious grandchildren. I took a few days off and we were all excited about going then she stops talking to me. This stresses me out so much I can't stand it. I miss her and those kids so much. The highlight of my summer was going to be this trip. Instead of watching my precious grand daughter play tball I have been moping around my tiny, messy apartment, bitching at everyone and feeling really sorry for myself.
I'm going to take JJ to the beach tomorrow. Hopefully that will make me feel better.

Booze and New tattoos

Spent a great day at Kemah, a quaint little beach side town, with co-workers. We drank and walked and drank and rode rides and drank and shopped and drank some more. The day was originally planned as a "staff day" but as it got closer more people dropped out and it ended up just 4 of us. That was ok since 2 of us are the wild ones, the youngest was our designated driver and (B's niece)and the other was the sweetest, coolest girl around. She was celebrating her college graduation and we wanted to help. We helped her right into the tattoo place, where she choose a cute little feminine symbol for her dainty little foot. The nice, clean, well furnished, well lit place was just not good enough for me and B.Or was it too good? Either way, we drove down the road to where the artists where a little more like the clientele. I hesitate to use the word drunk. I think I'll say they were in a good mood! My brother and I have engaged in a tattoo war. I simply can not allow him to have more tattoos than me. In order to surpass him (the little wimp currently has two) I needed to increase mine by at least two. Actually, I just declared this war. You know, once I had more than him. When I left home this morning I had 1 lonely tattoo. I now have 3. My brother assured me that size does not not matter (such a man)and for the time being, I am ahead. I'm sure the little brat was trying to schedule an appointment ASAP! He hates to lose.

Happy Mother's Day

I had a great Mother's Day. I only got to spend it with 1/3 of my children, but I enjoyed it none the less. My sweet little JJ came into my bedroom this (late) morning with her hands behind her back and a big smile on her face. She handed me a small, fluffy white teddy bear with a big red ribbon and said "Happy Mother's Day" and gave me a big, sweet kiss. I love that (not so) little girl! Shortly after that my beloved son-in-law sent me a text message with a pic of daughter #2 and her prodigy. OMG. They are the cutest kids IN THE WORLD. I'm not just saying that because they are my grandchildren. They are the kind of kids you stare at in the grocery store. The kind that people touch and try to pick up. They look so angelic, so like their mother. I love that girl. Daughter #1 made a donation in my name to my fav place. I was SO excited. I cried when I got the email. She also sent me this adorable video thing. I love that girl.
Yesterday I went to the lake with a co worker and her family and got a little sun. Today after shopping and lunch, JJ and Cross joined me at the pool for a little more sun. I mixed up a batch of strawberry margaritas, took my float, my cup and my well worn copy of Twilight, that I have been trying to read for 6 months, and hit the pool.

My birthday was the third, my anniversary the fifth and Mother's Day today brings a close to Celebrate Me Week. It makes me sad.