next step

Well, there are some things that I really need to just get out, and work out in
my mind.. There have been quite a few developments in my life the past 2 weeks..
The first, being that I got a job! :) I don't start till Feb 13, but it's a job
for the state, and pays pretty well. I am excited to get out, and be around
adults. But the job is supposed to be pretty tough, and takes 3 months of
training. Jerime still isn't working, spending so much time with him, has made
me realize that I just know if I want to be with him for the rest of my life...
He is such a demanding ass, and our kids have become so much more defiant, and
rude. I do not want him being the primary care giver to our children. All he
ever wants to do is play video games, and that's pretty much what he does.
nothing has changed.About a week and a half ago, I joined an online
website where you can track workouts, and get information on diet and
excercise... Well I love it! it has helped me to become so much more consistant
in my workouts :) But anyway, I started to chat with a couple of people that I
met through the site. And there was one inparticular, that I just felt a
connection with. So we started to chat, more and more. He lives in India, is
such a nice guy, super sexy, and just fun to talk to. I've started to really
have strong feelings for him, which only makes me relize more, the things that
my marriage lacks. I've been spending HOURS online, chatting with him. while my
husband just plays more video games.... it's been such a bizzare week. I just
haven't been able to get this guy off my mind... Most all of my waking moments
are spent with thoughts of him. I don't know if it's because I'm finally getting
some attention, and can talk to him, or if it is really genuine... but being
with my husband almost makes me feel like I'm betraying him. Explain that one!
One week of chatting w/someone half a world away, taking presidence over the man
I have spent 1/3 of my life with!?! I still don't completely understand these
feelings I'm having... And I don't know if Jer is just oblivious, or trying to
ignore the signs.So, anyway, with this job, I have to have my last name
chaged to my married name on my social security card. it seems simple enough,
but it something that I just haven't wanted to do. It probably has something to
do with the fact that I've considered divorce so many times, and I'd really like
to go back to my maiden name should that happen. I don't want to have to legally
change my name back, instead just keep it the way it is. UGH, I'm so confused.
and lost.. I have to make a decision soon, as I'm already feeling the weight on
my heart, now I'm not saying that I'm going to get a divorce, and run off to
India, but I'm realizing all that my life lacks. And both of us just deserve to
have more. Still, I feel this responsability to my husband. But I don't want to
be with someone out of guilt, just to keep from hurting them, because in the
long run I'm afraid that it's just going to prolong the pain.. The longer I
wait, the harder it is going to be. So what now? Where do I go from here? What
do I do? Guess when I find the answer, I'll let you know....

The battle of mom vs professional

Recently, I decided that I wanted to go back to work. I've been working on my resume, and going to some classes to try and help me feel prepared. It's been soo nice to get out of the house, and talk to adults again, and It's really made me super excited to get back into the work force. I've frequently missed the professional satisfaction that I got from work, don't get me wrong, I get alot of personal satisfaction in raising my kids, but it is just different. Anyway, I've been trying to get my resume together for a possible job interview w/the state office here. It sounds like a great job, w/starting pay of almost $15 an hour, (which is pretty awesome for me) plus full benefits for your entire family after the first like 30 days I believe. Well, while I was searching for some inspiration on how to word my 'stay at home mother' experience, it occurred to me (right after finding the exact thing I was looking for) that I am just not ready to go back to work full time, at least not permanently. I just can't cope with the idea of anyone else raising my babies, I love my husband, but he and I simply disagree in some areas of child rearing, that are important to me to have a certain way. Plus I think I'd just miss them, Leeya is getting to be so much fun. She carries around her baby, patting it's back, and kissing it on the head for hours every day. she tells me things are 'cute' or says 'ewwwww ucky', with emphasis on the eeewwww. lol she's been soo much more interested in her daddy than her brothers were at her age, mostly because he's been home the majority of her life, but during the last few days, she'll go to him out of my arms, she loves her daddy. I'm torn between being sad, and happy that she wants to be with him. All the kids still only want me when they're sick, haha one of the joys of being a mom I guess. lol

Ok, so I also have to add that He did clean the house, kitchen-counter tops, cleaned the table, washed dishes, and swept the floor, as well as cleaning and vacuuming the living room. It was nice to see that he could do it all so quickly and do such a good job. I think he'll
have to start doing it more often ;) hehe

So, now what? I'm thinking that I'll just try and find temporary full time work for a few weeks/months till Jer goes back to work again. yep. I think that's going to be the new plan. then in about 4 1/2 years *sigh* I'll start working while the kids are at school :)

when is it enough

Seems like the only time I really get on here, is when I need to vent about my husband. And today is no different. I've been getting so intensly infuriated by my hubby lately. All he ever does is sit on the computer, or play his damn video games, and quite frankly I'm OVER IT!!! I'm tired of comming home and having him ALWAYS playing his fucking games. I want a man who actually thinks about me on occasion, and not just to get a piece of ass either, a man who will get up in the middle of the night w/kids, just to let me sleep (even if it's only once a year!?!) The man hasn't worked in over a year, almost never gets up w/the kids, and ya know, I just feel like the only person he really cares about is himself. sure he makes meals, even does the dishes on occasion, but that's just not enough anymore! I feel like the only time he ever makes any kind of effort, is when I give him unlimatums. I'm tired of threats, I'm tired of being angry, and I'm tired of giving, and not getting it back. I need a partner, someone who is loving, and nurturing, and puts his family first... But still this realization does me no good. I have such a hard time, because I just don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. I want to call my sister, she always has good advice, but I know that she already has some serious issues w/him, and wants me to leave him. I'm tired of having to defend him, when most days I just wanna leave. I love him, but at what point is enough enough? I can't keep living this way, it's draining every ounce of love and energy I have, just to keep living this life. Something has GOT to change in a serious way, I just don't know where to go from here....

not 'almost' anymore!

music at last

so I know it's been FOREVER since my last post, so I decided it was probably time to get er done :)

Ok, well for starters I got a guitar finally, and I absolutely LOVE it!!! I'm not very good yet, I'll admit it. but it has only been 3 weeks, and I am getting better :) Mostly I just love having music in my life, in a way that I haven't for far too long. it's kinda crazy, because my little brother just started playing too, only a few days after me. :) I wish we could get together sometime, play and share everything we've both learned, but he's going to school, and busy trying to find himself a wife, haha, so we just don't do it. it's kinda crazy, cause the 2 of us have always had a slightly strained relationship, mostly because we're only 2 years apart, and had quite a bit of friction for all the teenage years. but he's the only one that I haven't really gotten to have an adult relationship with yet. I feel like us both learning guitar now is opening a door for us to have something in common, and that it could lead to a better friendship beetween us, which I'm really excited for. :) Now I just need to figure out what song I want to learn to play, so far all I can really do is play a few chords. I bought a beginner guitar book when I bought my guitar, that's cool for learning the basics, but it sure would be nice to have someone around who played well, and could give me some pointers, and maybe teach me some of the things that are just easier to learn from a person, than a book. but all in due time... I'm sure when I'm ready, that the right person will come along :)

Oh, my little leeya is 9 months old now, and crawling like a champ. she can stand on her own, and pushes toys around the house, so that she can walk around like her brothers, so SOO cute :) she starts to dance anytime there's music (even the jingles at the begining of cartoons, or commercials) and of course anytime I sing anything :) seems like she already has my love of music in her blood :D it's just awesome. my boys do too, they both love music, and having mommy sing them to sleep, (which I don't do as often as I should, but still...) and I tell ya, Gav can sing, he's got great intonation, I have a feeling he's going to be an excellent little singer in years to come. Brod tells me that he's going to have a band w/his friends when he's a teenager, they are also all going to be super heros, and pro athletles, haha. guess I better get him prepared to take care of me when he's there :)

Ok, well everyone at my house is assleep now, so I'm going to go and play my guitar in the living room for a while, so I guess I'm off, to happily enjoy the newfound music in my life :)

kids.... they're always good for a laugh

So, I just wanted to write down a few things that have happened in the last little while that I thought were so funny, and I wanted to get them down somewhere, so that I can remember...

The first was a few weeks ago, when my niece Aspyn was here playing w/the boys. (she's almost 3 btw) well, Gav has been going through a phase where he pushes, and picks on everyone, and it was no different w/Aspyn. so anyway, they were in the hallway playing, and Gav punched her, so she slapped him twice, and kissed him on the cheek. he didn't really know what to do, so they just skipped off, hand in hand, and went to play in the bedroom :) ahh, it was so freaking hilarious. it cracks me up the way she keeps him in check. she's such a doll :)

Ok the second was earlier this week, when Jer found a little turd in Gav's undies, and he asked him what it was. Gavin's answer: "Brody did it dad" Jerime: "brody pooped in your underware?" Gav "mmhmm, Brody did it! my poop in the toyet daddy, brody poop in mine's underware." bahahahaha funny.

kids just say the darnest things! :)

so ready!!

ahh, so this is going to be a quick post, but I just wanted to say that I am SOOOO SOOO sick of living in Idaho!!!!! I keep wondering why in the hell we still live here, and seriously, I'm over it! especially on the days when I'm outside shoveling snow, in and it's -20 degrees out side :( I'm ready for something and somewhere new, and different, and WARM! I'm ready to win my millions, and travel the world. Ready to explore, see the ocean (for the first time, and beyond) ride on an airplane (also for the first time, and how awesome would it be to charter a private plane and not have to deal w/airport security?!) ahh..... I'm just READY!!!! I want to go on a REAL damn vacation, not a trip somewhere because someone died, and we have to go to the funeral, and not going to visit family for a holiday either. a real vacation, where we just go somewhere just because we want to go, and do something fun. I want to take my kids to a real Zoo, not the lame ass zoo here, where the most exotic animal you see is a camel, who looks miserable, and sad in a tiny little exibit. but an awesome huge zoo, that has everything, and takes most of the day to see it all. My kids seem to behave so much better when we're out, and around people, instead of sitting on our asses all day long, watching tv! Typically I don't mind TV so much, but when it's ALL that we do, and it's all day every freaking day... it's just too much for me, and I'm a bitch all the time :( ugh... I'm just ready for a serious, real, and lasting change! Hopefully it'll all be for the better, and come soon!!