The Program
March 17, 2026 at 6:51 pm | Posted in Da Ritzenator | Leave a commentTags: Program
Here at Naïve’s guide, we pride ourselves on explaining everything we can, using every experience from our short time on this planet. We group, sort, and organize our field sourced data to methodically churn out entries. Through me and my friends’ eyes, hopefully you can gain a clearer sense about everything in the world.
It is with this post, for the very first time, where I DON’T have all the facts. I CAN’T offer full, vast coverage about something called “The Program.” There is no quick-start pamphlet, nor have I found any insight on the internet. So, with the tables turned, perhaps you, long-time reader, can shed some light on what this perplexing “Program” is or does. Here is all I know:
“I got her a toilet, but she didn’t need it, because she’s on the program”
One gentleman said this to another as they stood on neighboring stoops one warm day last year. As we walked within audible range, this string of beautifully mysterious words, nearly a Haiku, drifted into our ears. Peppered with the sweet harmonics of the South Philadelphian accent, the words settled in the “I’ll sort this out later” section of our minds. Sadly, we walked out of earshot just as quickly as we entered, forever missing the full glory of the heroic tale. It was a partial reveal; a window with blinds askew, offering passersby a voyeuristic glance into someone’s private life. Although it was spoken loudly and proudly enough for anyone within a block radius to hear, it only survives as a snippet of what I imagine to be a rich and elegantly painted scenario about one man’s attempt to change things for the good, only to have The Man stand in his way. Or maybe it wasn’t about that at all.
Let’s start with what is involved and dig in from there:
- Fifteen nouns, pronouns, contractions, conjunctions and verbs.
- One male, mid 50’s.
- One female with unidentified:
- age
- relation to the male
- living location
- living situation
- One toilet
- One program, impacting said female’s need to use a toilet
My first thought was “could ‘The Program’ be a scientific breakthrough that eliminates a person’s need to urinate or defecate, thus, removing the unidentified female’s need for a toilet?” As highly unlikely as this may be, it would be a very straightforward explanation. However, while it would explain WHY she didn’t need the toilet, it doesn’t address why the man “got her a toilet” in the first place.
Okay, let’s assume for a moment that the woman is the man’s sister, living somewhere nearby. Maybe she bought a house that was either without a toilet or had one that didn’t work. Thinking on his feet, the helpful brother bought her a brand-new toilet. Problem solved. But what he didn’t know was that she qualified for a housing Program that provides toilets to toilet-lacking homes. Perhaps his good-natured purchase was sadly unnecessary, thanks to “The Program” (shakes fist).
Or, what if this unknown woman is his mom, living in a retirement or elder-care home. On his weekly visit, bringing good cheer and maybe some booze, she angerly commented that she was unable to use the facilities. So, being the good son that he is, he bought her a brand-new toilet. Ready for his next week’s visit, he called a Lyft that was big enough to carry himself and the toilet, awkwardly explaining to the hesitant driver about his good deed. Upon arriving, he was forced to swallow his pride when he spoke to the head nurse. She explained that his mom was already on a Program that gave her unfettered toilet access to a different, working toilet. He was happy she could relieve herself, but also disheartened that all his thoughtful efforts were for naught.
Or maybe he didn’t buy her a physical toilet at all. Maybe when he “got her a toilet,” he was buying her ACCESS to a toilet. Like purchasing an annual membership to the toilet version of Dorney Park. But in this case- as in all the cases, “The Program” had already given her toilet access before his plans could be fully realized. He was just trying to help, but “The Program” rendered him and his helpful spirit obsolete.
What do you think? Do you have any other info on what “The Program” might be? And is there any situation where “The Program” could be seen as helpful, rather than as a know-it-all, mansplaining hinderance? Go ahead and leave a comment if you have anything to add! – Da Ritzenator
Turbo
March 16, 2026 at 10:33 am | Posted in J. Frederick | Leave a commentTags: turbo
Turbo. That’s right, Turbo: the movie where Ryan Reynolds is a cartoon snail who goes really fast. We’ve all seen it multiple times, of course. We watch it every Christmas morning. You probably took your fiancé to a screening of Turbo on your very first date. A friend of mine wrote his doctoral thesis on Turbo, and he’s now Chief Endocrinologist at Dartmouth. The haunting “Turbo Love Theme” was played at my grandfather’s funeral instead of “Taps”. But what do we really know about this classic film? Have we truly studied it as closely as we should? Have we picked up on all of its nuances? Do we yet fully understand its coded warnings about societal degradation and collapse? And what about those moments when Turbo speaks to us in our dreams? “Salvatore,” he says. “Sal, it’s me, Turbo. Your hero. I believe in you, Sal. Don’t listen to the doubters and the naysayers. You were right to quit your job to start a podcast about coping with dairy allergies. It’ll get off the ground any day now. You just need to find your audience.” “Turbo,” you say, “what an honor to hear from you. It’s true, you are my hero, in a way my father never was. But I’m not Salvatore, I didn’t quit my job, and I have no interest in podcasting. I think you have the wrong guy.” “Oh Sal, you goofball. That’s so like you. It’s exactly that kind of zany humor that will attract listeners! You just have to stick with it! Remember when I won that big race at the end of the movie about my life? It’s like that!” “No, again, I’m not Sal. Do you have any advice for me? Do you think my career is going in the right direction? Should I ask out that woman in the meetings department?” “Listen, Sal, I gotta go, but you think about what I said.” “No wait, Turbo, come back! Come back Turbo!” But of course, he never comes back. Just another mystery, like the endless questions in the movie, the ones that even repeated nightly viewings never quite answer. It’s what keeps us coming back to Turbo, and getting Turbo tattoos, and marching in Turbo parades, even after all these years.
Oh wait – Turbo. He’s named Turbo because he goes really fast. I get it now. That’s pretty
good. –J. Frederick
Security Guard
March 11, 2026 at 11:19 am | Posted in J. Frederick | Leave a commentTags: corn carol, security guard
Recently, at 1:30 on a Tuesday afternoon, I was crouched down in the sporting goods aisle of a Walmart, eating fistfuls of loose taco meat out of a tote bag, when a security guard approached.
“Uh, you can’t do that here,” he said.
“Oh sorry, my bad,” I said, and I moved to paper towel aisle.
About a minute or so later the security guard found me, and said, “No, I mean you can’t do that anywhere. You can’t have outside food and drink here.”
“What if I sang Corn Carols while I was eating?” I asked him.
“Uh . . . what?”
“You know, Corn Carols. Corn-themed folk songs you sing during harvest time. Like ‘Purify Mine Cob, O Lord’, ‘Husks for Jesus’, ‘We Be Shuckin’ Now, Maureen’ . . . I know lots of others. I might have a CD of them around here somewhere,” I said, rooting around in the tote bag.
“No, stop. Listen, you need to put on shoes and you can’t eat here. You can only eat over at the snack bar.”
“Yeah, that’s the other thing I wanted to ask you about,” I told him. “I went to the snack bar earlier, and they refused to give me extra toast in my toast soup. I cried, I moaned, I shrieked wordlessly in terror, but they wouldn’t do it!”
“Okay, first of all, the snack bar only has pizza, hot dogs, and snow cones; there’s no such thing as toast soup. Second of all, again, you can’t eat here and I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“All right,” I said, “I’ll go, but only if I can file a formal complaint about the snack bar.”
The security guard let out a sigh. “All right, fine,” he said, taking out a notebook and pen. “What’s your name?”
“Boyle V. Shropshire,” I told him.
“There’s absolutely no way that’s your name.”
“Yes, you’re right, you got me,” I said. “Sorry.”
“What’s your actual name?”
“Theresa Collagen-Clam.”
The security guard put the notebook and pen away. “Get the hell out of my store,” he said.
Well, I did leave, but that day began my lifelong friendship with the security guard; every morning I email him at securityguard@security.guard to share my fondest hopes, my most daring dreams, my most shocking secrets, and I await his witty, profound, foul-mouthed replies with baited breath. Now, I should also mention that absolutely nothing I’ve told you here actually happened, except for the fact that I really do have daily email correspondence with a security guard. Her name is Darla, we met at a cat show, and she can guard my security any day! -J. Frederick
Everlasting Harmony Life Church
March 10, 2026 at 12:04 pm | Posted in J. Frederick | Leave a commentTags: Everlasting Harmony Life Church
First of all, let me just say that the Everlasting Harmony Life Church is not a doomsday cult. That is simply a lie. It is typical of the misinformation promoted so often by the misbelievers. But we harbor no ill will; we are a Church of peace, and know that the misbelievers will eventually and inevitably join our fold and know everlasting harmony alongside us.
We have been dealing with such ignorance throughout our history. Our founder Hiram “Lem” Boudreau often had to defend himself from criticism, insults, and subpoenas, when all he wanted was to help others the way the Church had helped him – indeed, it had saved his life! When Lem returned home from the Spanish-American War he was a broken, rage-fueled man; he drank illegal moonshine heavily and tended to solve all problems with his fists (opening jars, fixing broken machinery, and so forth). Then one glorious night he was visited by a translucent square creature the size of the universe who granted him the wisdom to compose our sacred text, The Instructions. The Instructions recounted every secret the human race would ever need for eternal harmony, everlasting balance, hegemony over all dimensions, and complete and utter peace for the rest of eternity. Misbelievers scoffed, not the least because it was 1995 and what Lem insisted on referring to as “the Spanish-American War” was apparently just a series of unpleasant-sounding mishaps at a sales conference in Madrid.
But Lem refused to be dissuaded by the cynicism of the misbelievers. Constantly, tirelessly he promoted the infallible virtues of The Instructions to anyone who would listen. He visited colleges, community centers, street corners, sanitariums, fairgrounds, airport lounges, dive bars, national parks, strip malls, arcades, optometrists’ waiting rooms, the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo, my house, a Panda Express in St. Louis, public restrooms, and day care centers. He gave speeches, preached, pleaded, bribed, schmoozed, taught, laughed, learned, and, again, used his fists. And slowly but surely he gained followers – a few at first, and then more. Word spread. Meetings were held throughout the world, from the Panda Express in Kansas City to the Panda Express in Wichita. More and more misbelievers changed their ways as they came to understand the beautiful and all-knowing truth of Lem’s words. They came, they volunteered, they belonged.
Lem died a few years later while hang gliding over an active volcano, by which I mean he had a stroke one night in his living room (the hang gliding thing is a private joke we have here at Church headquarters). Lem’s role in the Church is now filled by his daughter, the beguiling and charismatic Mallory Boudreau-Schlactman. Under Mallory’s leadership over the past decade, the Church has spread to every corner of the globe; someday soon we hope to spread out to places beyond the corners. Misbelievers will point to Mallory’s somewhat eccentric behavior – the vast stockpile of machetes, her propensity to confiscate her followers’ belongings, the constant smell of charred meat that pervades her home. Yes, Mallory is accompanied at all times by an armed bodyguard with a jagged scar where his left eye and ear should be; yes, nobody has ever seen Mallory blink. And yes, Mallory’s interpretations of some of the more esoteric passages in The Instructions have proven controversial, namely, her predictions of what she refers to as “The Encroaching Torpor” – it’s unclear if this refers to total societal collapse, or an earthquake, or maybe some kind of giant cyclone, but misbelievers, as always, are missing the point. Mallory’s lurid and unsettling descriptions of an impending cataclysm – perhaps involving machetes – are merely illustrations! We are not delusional lunatics blindly following a fringe religion, obsessed with visions of an unlikely catastrophe! We are lovers of peace, using the wisdom of
The Instructions to achieve balance. Balance between seeking everlasting harmony, and machete training. Between shutting out the naysaying of misbelievers, and granting Mallory power of attorney over our parents. Between finding peace and serenity through The Instructions, and burning down the Panda Express in Omaha. Between finding meaning amidst the impermanence, and not cooperating with arson investigations. Between spreading the message of the Church throughout the world, and a fine, imperceptible spray of toxic gas on a crowded bus.
I think Lem would be proud of his daughter’s leadership. It’s like he writes in the epilogue of The Instructions: “Through the everlasting, we achieve harmony. Through harmony, we achieve life. Through life, we achieve church.” Then, perhaps because of a printing error, there are 80 blank pages. But I’ve always found a certain beauty in that. -J. Frederick
Wellness
March 8, 2026 at 11:21 pm | Posted in Constance Algernon Bucolic | Leave a commentTags: wellness
Wellness: The state of being well, healthful, or generally glowing from the inside out. Wellness can be achieved similarly to Nirvana through many, many hours of attention and practice. The areas of sleep, nutrition, mindfulness, social connection, and exercise are generally considered paramount to wellness. Some experts also think that the medical field is an important aspect of wellness, like regularly scheduled check-ups, tests, and inoculations. However, this is a generally controversial stance, despite piles of scientific data that support shots and things. But who wants to get a shot? They are scary.
Instead, let’s talk about your sleep. One must dedicate time to creating and maintaining a perfect sleep hygiene routine, which includes supplements, lighting, and specific blankets, all of which are available for purchase at an internet emporium near you. In order to set up the perfect setting for good sleep hygiene, it is recommended that folks follow the following recommendations and make the requisite purchases. In your bedroom, you must have blackout curtains, a weighted breathable blanket, an eye mask, and a small lamp. A smart thermometer should lower the temperature at a predesignated time to a cool, not cold, not lukewarm, but cool setting. Having your phone near your bed is universally agreed to be very, very bad. Instead, put it somewhere else and buy an alarm clock. Not an old fashioned one with giant red numbers, but a new one that dims and brightens in a way that mimics the setting and rising sun at the preprogrammed times of day. Also, take whatever vitamins are recommended by your favorite wellness influencer. Make sure you then meditate. Many guided meditations are available on mindfulness apps for your phone. Finally, it is pivotal that you feel relaxed. You simply must fall asleep and wake up at the same time each day. In between those times should be 7-9 hours of deep sleep. Unless you bought the wrong products.
Next, let us look at nutrition. In order to glow from the inside out, you should do many hours of meal prep, eating only whole foods. It is optimal that you grow as much of this food as possible. If, for some reason, a kitchen garden is beyond your abilities, try to buy organic everything. Every meal should look gorgeous and also like a rainbow. Smoothies, soups, salads and grain bowls are all good options. Never ever even look at lollipops, cookies, or potato chips. In fact, just pretend they don’t exist completely. French fries? What, even, are those? I am very wellness, so I couldn’t tell you.
Third, exercising for wellness. You should move your body for a minimum of 30 minutes every day. This is called exercise. It is important that you wear specific clothes to exercise, like spandex, sweat-wicking shirts, and cool sneakers. The best exercise makes you sweaty and hurts- not too much, but you should definitely feel sore and like you have ripped either your muscles to shreds or that your heart really had a chance to beat really fast. Sometimes you should exercise for more than 30 minutes. But never less.
Finally, social connection and mindfulness. Mindfulness means you are really calm and peaceful at all times, even when you want to scream and run around like a puppy. You think about everything before you do it, and you think about how your brain is thinking while your brain is thinking. Plus, you also meditate, which means you sit cross-legged on the floor and put on one of those apps I told you about above. You should meditate for 20 minutes a day, twice a day. Social connection is really, really important. Humans are social creatures, and well, we like to be around each other. Every person likes to be around other people for different amounts of time. So figure out your number- 45 minutes? 3 hours? It’s anyone’s guess. Good luck, because if you spend too much time with other people, you feel sleepy when it’s not time to sleep, and that is not wellness. Same thing if you spend not enough, because your social battery has to be charged at an optimal percentage in order for you to feel well.
You may need to double up some of these things where you can, like exercise and social connection. Once you sleep for 8 hours and work for 8 hours, you only have 8 hours to charge your social battery, meditate, exercise, grow your own food and prep it, and set up your sleeping zone. But don’t feel stressed because that is definitely not wellness. – Constance Algernon Bucolic
Bathhouses
March 6, 2026 at 12:12 pm | Posted in Matty Fatty | Leave a commentTags: bathhouses
Bathhouses are places where you can relax. Put up your feet. Forget your worries. Sweat out a chunk of your body weight in heat pushing, even exceeding 200 degrees Fahrenheit until you can’t take it anymore and run screaming into a pool of freezing water, then repeat for several hours. As our ancestors going back to ancient times know, there’s nothing like a sauna or a shvitz or a schlitz to help you take a break and do some real deep thinking. Is something better than nothing? Do all living beings, even plants, have a consciousness? What is 32,458,345,896,342,578 divided by 3,842,554? Maybe you’d like to reflect on yourself. Are you happy with your life choices? Do you exercise enough? Should you choose salad as your side next time instead of fries? Was that third cocktail necessary? Perhaps you shouldn’t have cheated on your wife then lied about where you’d been that night. Did you really need to shoot that guy just to see what it’s like to watch a life drain out? Was it wise to hold hostages for ransom while demanding their corporate bosses fly you on a private jet to Peru? It really seems you shouldn’t have enslaved humanity then traded them to aliens who condemned them to hard labor on the planet Szjlkadfsddfalkjhaf-68, Maybe you flew off the handle a bit when, after injecting yourself with an experimental serum that awarded you godlike powers, you pettily erased all life in the universe. I’m no psychologist, but I’d bet none of this would have happened had your dad not made you play sports as a kid. Is it possible you’ve never really loved another person? Even Tabitha? Perhaps had you realized that it’s other people that make one happy, not unimaginable and unregulated power, there would still be a hint that life ever existed in what is now a meaningless void in which you are now the sole occupant, cursed to live out eternity, bitter and alone. This is but a taste of the idle thoughts that can crop up when you’re convalescing in a bathhouse, soaking in the pain, not to mention the pleasure, and intermittently devouring some dynamite borscht. — Matty Fatty
6-7
March 3, 2026 at 10:59 am | Posted in The Knave | Leave a commentTags: 6-7
6-7 is one of those things everyone should know, but few do. Only the cool people. What is it? IYKYK. But what IYDKYDK? Does that mean you can never find out? Probably. Listen, if you felt the need to read this article, things are not looking good for you. You’re the kid the cool kids made fun of for not knowing the slang terms for obscure carnal acts. When you listen to the latest rap song, you need to spend the next four hours searching Urban Dictionary and watching YouTube lyric breakdown videos to understand what they’re talking about. I’m sorry. To use your language, you’re not with it. You’re not hip. You’re a square. And no, Wikipedia won’t save you. You think the people editing free encyclopedias online are the “in-crowd”? LMFAO. Trust me, the kids saying it in school don’t know what it means unless they are particularly cool in which case they definitely will not be telling you. I understand that it upsets you being so lame. Wait. No. I don’t understand that but I think it’s likely true. You are sitting there theorizing. Is it a Philadelphia police code? Nope. Does it refer to a street? Nice try, Poindexter. Is it that 6-7 sounds a bit like “sex heaven”? Intriguing, but wrong. 6-7 is just two numbers away from 69, so is it a modification of the sex act where the person doing the 9 is replaced by a [CENSORED]? Ewww. No. Have you moved on to denial? Do you think it’s just meaningless and not even Skrilla knows? Trust me. He knows. He’s just not telling someone like you. Hang it up and get lost. Say it all you want. Share your memes. Maybe, someday, if you somehow turn cool enough, 6-7 will reveal itself to you. Until then, stay frosty.
– The Knave
Surprise!
March 2, 2026 at 12:10 pm | Posted in Jonny R Goode | Leave a commentTags: suprise
A surprise is an unexpected thing or occurrence. Crocodile. I bet you didn’t expect the word ‘crocodile’ to appear where it did. That was a surprise. Surprises can be pleasant, such as a loving partner bringing you breakfast in bed; or unpleasant, such as an unloving partner grabbing the jam knife from the breakfast tray and lodging it in your carotid artery. Some surprises are less surprising than others. Crocodile. See, having already registered the likelihood of the appearance of the word ‘crocodile’, you probably weren’t as surprised to see it again. I know where you were on the night of October 7th, and who you were with. On the other hand, a sudden and disturbing insight into a secret corner of your personal life from a stranger on the internet would rank highly as a surprise. What’s surprising to some — and if you could only see the look on your face right now — is not surprising to others, such as me, the man who saw everything, took photos, and has been planning this for months. Sometimes a surprise can happen due to the absence of a thing or occurrence. For example, I’d be surprised if you did not stuff fifty thousand dollars in unmarked bills in a plain black duffel and leave it in locker 48C of the Altoona Transportation Center. After all, you have so much to lose. What would Christine say? How would she explain what you did to your two young children? Crocodile. I threw that one in to put you back on safe, unsurprising ground. Relax. Take a deep breath. You know in your heart you only have one option. Your financial department may be surprised when they see the money missing from the various accounts, but the shock will wear off in time. And after the dust settles, and I’m off spending your money in delightful and surprising new ways, you can get back to your picture-perfect life and pretend you’re the loving husband and father everyone thinks you are. Time will pass. Seasons will change. And who knows, maybe I won’t resurface next year to ask for a larger amount. After all, life is full of surprises. – Jonny R Goode
Taint Conditioner
June 26, 2014 at 12:08 pm | Posted in The Knave | Leave a commentTags: Taint Conditioner
In 1967, a man name Geeves Dunkirk was driving along in his automobile on a hot day. Traffic was stop and go. The sun was shining down through his windshield. He had the air conditioner on and was keeping somewhat cool, but not everywhere. Between his thighs and under his manhood, his bonch was still sweaty with duck butter. Try as he might, even with the fan at maximum, he could not angle the vents in such a way as to cool the real estate before his butt and below his balls. Perhaps he could have managed it were he on the passenger side, but as the driver with the steering wheel blocking the air flow, his gouch was becoming swampy. Several solutions occurred to him. Maybe he could wear a kilt. With his skirt hiked up and nothing underneath, the trickle of air that reached his grunskin might be enough to keep him dry and refreshed. Unfortunately, the child in the bus stopped next to him who was looking down into his car got him to worrying about arrest for indecent exposure. How would he keep his bifkin at a reasonable temperature? The next day he tried using an ice pack. At first it felt good. Then he was freezing his balls off. Eventually he was sitting in a puddle. His grundle was soaked and rapidly warming. He knew there must be a better alternative. On the following day, he shoved a bunch of paper towels down his pants and packed them near his gooch. That worked until the towels began to become saturated. They also insulated his perineum from the coolness of the car, worsening matters. Finally it came to him. He could keep his nifkin dry. It was a simple invention. He just needed to fasten a hose to one of the vents and run it to his durf. The path of least resistance was into his down-zipped fly. However, looking at himself with a giant hose sticking out of his pants made him wonder how he would explain this to a cop were he ever to be pulled over. Although more circuitous, the best path to his barse was down to the floor and up the left pant leg. It worked like a charm and the taint conditioner was born. So if you’re driving along the highway sweating your balls off and the guy in the car next to you looks cool and comfortable, ask yourself why you don’t have a taint conditioner too! ––The Knave
Religion
June 23, 2014 at 8:33 am | Posted in Da Ritzenator | 1 CommentTags: religion
Before there was anything, there was God. He is the sole creator of everything there is (like the bull of the universe). Religion is the belief in Him, through faith, and offerance (offerance? not a word) of your undying love, praise and devotion. Some people claim that He’s not real (yup), that there is no proof of His existence (yup), or that it is just a man-made story to control the feeble minded or help others sleep at night (yup, yup). But that’s the selfish side of religion (wait…that doesn’t make sense). When you accept Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior (quite the title), and pledge your love, loyalty and service to him (he wants all that? Sounds like he’s a selfish jerk), your reward will be peace, comfort, and confidence (so god is just weed and alcohol). But you can only achieve this salvation if you let him come into you (be sure to use protection). Once he’s taken over your thoughts and being (sounds a bit sinister…), you will connect with what is right, and know true life and all it has to offer. All of your sin will be washed away, and your soul will be pure (I don’t think you can be considered pure if you “let him in”). But you must always praise Him and only Him, let the spirit in (with enough spirits, it’s possible I’d let him in) and have Him fill you with love (I guess “love” is another name for it). If you do, and it is an honest and true commitment, your Joy (if that’s her name) will be everlasting and eternal (So just Joy forever and ever? Sorry, I’m out. I need variety). – Da Ritzenator (comments by site editor)
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Naive's Guide To Everything in the World 
