For all we know, 2020 has been a shitstorm. Covid-19 changed the world, and it changed my whole life. Up until a few weeks back, Covid-19 never affected me, of course I took all the precautions needed to protect myself. But it wasn’t a chore. It never really emotionally affected me, until it does.
On 25th of November, my father, who was never admitted to the hospital in his whole life was admitted to the hospital as he was diagnosed with Covid-19. None of us ever expected that would be the last time we would see him. On 3rd of December, at 23.20 PM, he took his last breath.
I couldn’t really explain it. Everything came in like a whirlwind… I remember the last time I talked to him was on 27 November 2020. I called him, and the last words he said to me was “I can’t talk well because I have this oxygen mask on my face.” I asked him to send me a selfie to make sure he was alright, and he did. We conversed through whatsapp until 28 November 2020. The last words he wrote to me was “I don’t understand” in response to my question on what his oxygen levels were. The last words I sent to him and the last words he read from me was “Dad, I’ll be home soon okay…” I arrived back home on the 30th of November. From the 28th of November up until his last breath on 3rd of December, I couldn’t remember a time when I wasn’t crying or when my eyes weren’t swollen.
Losing him was my biggest fear. Losing him became my biggest nightmare. How do you get over the fact that you lost your father and best friend? You don’t get over it. However you learn to live with it. Sometimes things are ok, but sometimes things are a bit unbearable.
However, although sadness is inevitable, I am happy for him that he’s in a better place now. His life from the beginning until the end is like a beautiful story. He always told me if anything, he never wanted to be a useless old man. He didn’t want to get sick for a long time, and he wanted it to be fast, just like what happened to his father, my grandfather. He got his wish. And what’s more of a miracle is that he died on the same day and date as my grandfather did, 35 years ago. In the end he was burried together with my grandfather, which is what he would have wanted. Everything flowed like poetry it’s as if God granted him a beautiful ending. And the best part is, before he was burried I saw him smile. A beautiful smile.
“Ikhlas” or sincerity in acceptance is hard. However finally after a few weeks I was able to write this. A sudden realization came over me after this whole tragedy though.
We are but travelers passing through this life. In the end we will all be reunited and we will meet in the afterlife, where “real” life begins. Of course there are days that are harder than others, but holding steadfast to this promise in the general sense makes it easier.
The silver lining that I learned from this grief, is that we get a deeper sense of Allah(S)’s immeasurable power. When someone that you’ve gone your whole life seeing is suddenly gone in an instant, it humbles you and you suddenly feel very small in an expansive universe.
Losing someone you love is not the end of the world. It’s just a matter of time until we meet again InshaAllah.
My "so called" thoughts 
