Hyrum, 4 Years

October 26, 2017

Hyrum,

It’s your fourth birthday. We had sprinkle waffles and hot chocolate for breakfast because I thought it would be something you’d have enjoyed. We played, made messes, built a fort, had a nice dinner as a family, cleaned up the house, and watched a silly Halloween movie. Dad went to work for a while. Emmit had a couple classes at the school and his two online classes as well as play practice. Howard had his online class and later spent some time designing a house, just for fun. Henry spent a lot of time practicing typing. He wants to create so many stories. I bet you like stories. I made dinner for someone in need today. She had a great-grandbaby born the same day we buried you in the ground almost 4 years ago. I was grateful to be able to help someone else today. Sometimes it’s easy to get sad about life when we only think of ourselves. There are so many people to love out there. You taught me so much about that.

We couldn’t get any balloons today, but we will release some for you tomorrow. I wish I knew your favorite color.

I’ve been thinking of you so much lately. There are so many moments when I pause, look around, and have a feeling someone is missing. It’s not actually a bad feeling. It’s oddly comforting. I feel you’re here with your brothers and sister. I sense your tender presence when we are laughing and playing together. I imagine what you’d be doing if you were right here with us in so many different moments. I see you giving your dad a hug when he comes home from work. I see you jumping on the trampoline with Bobbi and Stanley. I sometimes imagine you coming in to see what I’m up to while I’m cooking or lying down to read a book. I even imagine what kind of silly things you’d argue with your siblings about or whether you’d like what we’re eating for dinner.

I can’t wait to really hold you in my arms again. I know when I held you as a baby your spirit was gone, but that’s all I have. The pain I felt giving birth to you was agonizing. It hurt so badly to know you wouldn’t be able to say family prayers with us or join us for fun vacations and family outings.  Thinking about the plans we had made for the nursery and watching you grow up was so painful at first. It still hurts sometimes but I feel grateful to know I will have you in my arms someday. I’ll see your smile, hear your voice and ask you so, so many questions.

I hope you’re getting to know Uncle Sam. I wish he didn’t have to leave us so soon but I know Heavenly Father has a plan for him, and for us. It’s so hard to say goodbye to those we love. I am comforted by my faith. It keeps me smiling, serving, and persevering each day, no matter how hard. Life is so beautiful and precious.

I’m glad I have a few photos of myself while pregnant with you. The first 18 weeks I was so sick I hardly felt alive but I remember feeling a connection with you. It’s hard to explain. I don’t know if anyone who hasn’t been through something like this can understand. I know the Savior can. I find so much comfort in His atoning sacrifice and love. I am trying everyday to be more like Him. It can be so hard sometimes. I am so grateful that my last couple weeks with you in my womb were happy times. I was starting to feel so much better. I even went hiking with the boys! I will always cherish that time at Zion National Park when I was with “all my boys” having fun.

I hope you know how much we love you and think of you. I hope you feel that love. I really do.

Love Always,

Your mother

PS I wonder if you’d call me mommy or mom. I’m usually called mom most often, but occasionally mommy. If Emmit says it he wants to ask me for something. Bobbi calls me mommy most often.

PPS It’s bittersweet to watch her grow and change so fast. I wonder often if she and you were close before she joined us here on earth.

Ups and Downs

My last post was so positive and I like keeping that perspective but today I want to be honest and share some of the other parts of life that are not so positive. I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but I was just reading from my sister-in-law's blog and she mentioned that nobody really expressed the ups and downs and true feelings you have after having a baby. Well, I will mention some now because I agree. You do hear about the "baby blues" and for some women with depression that is a very mild description of what they might be going through with all the hormone changes and stuff that goes on after having a baby on TOP of the depression.

I have struggled with depression here and there but somehow always make my way out of it after a time. I think we all have good and bad days and there are things those of us without "clinical depression" can do to prevent and help ourselves out of it. When I exercise and eat healthy and get enough sleep I am much better at combatting the down days. I think the lack of regularity in ALL of those things, plus the hormonal changes is what makes the baby blues so HARD! You want to get sleep but you really can't. You want to eat healthy, but it's hard to prepare healthy meals with a fussy baby in your arms. You want to exercise, but HOW, WHEN, WHERE?

Baby girl is finally sleeping for more than an hour here and there and it has been a HUGE blessing to get a little more sleep, BUT the boys (including the BIG one) have all taken turns being sick at least twice since she was born and I am so exhausted form trying to keep everyone away from the baby and keeping oils on everybody and cleaning sheets, and blankets, and clothes, and doorknobs, and light switches. Ok you get the picture! There have been some cases of influenza, hand foot and mouth and other things around town and I have also spent some time sanitizing at the church. (And a lot of time stressing out about getting a sick baby. We don't want a repeat of the RSV scare we had with baby Stanley!) I feel like I shouldn't complain because Bobbi and I haven't really been sick at all! She had some congestion but no fever or anything. I really shouldn't complain, but I have to be honest. It's all starting to wear on me. I have been really down a lot of the time. I am having a hard time feeling motivated to do anything, even the basic necessary things like making sure everyone has clean clothes and cooking healthy meals. It's just so overwhelming right now. I am embarrassed to share this info but my Christmas stuff is NOT even put away yet! Yes, it's that bad. If we lived in the other Manila (Many Filipinos celebrate into February.) that would be normal but every time I go downstairs and see the half cleaned up mess it just reminds me how out of sorts I have been lately.

I have been the primary president (leader of the organization for children in our church congregation) for less than a year and that has been a challenge lately trying to get to meetings. I am sad that since Bobbi's birth I have only been able to be in ONE sharing time lesson, and it was the one I was teaching. I feel very out of touch with the kids and I have even been forgetting people's names when I see them. I hope to get back into things once she is on a better schedule. That is kind of another story altogether. Niel has worked hard when he has had time and hasn't been sick (or out of state) but her nursery is still a long ways off from being finished and it's pretty hard to get her on a schedule when she sleeps in the living room. (I cannot sleep with her in my room.) I do have to say though, she is doing really well falling asleep on her own, even when the boys are nearby playing! She had a rough time the first month and a half or two because she had a lot of tummy trouble. That seems to have cleared up and she sleeps so much better! There is nothing more enjoyable than watching her sleep. I really feel that she is probably our last baby. It's hard to say for sure because I hate to make that decision so quickly but let's just say I cannot imagine having any more right now! So it's a very bittersweet time because life is very challenging but I am really trying to enjoy my kids and stay focussed on what is important in this life. Some times when she is sleeping or smiling at me or the boys are getting along or just being their cute selves in general I want to FREEZE time for a bit and just enjoy them.

Life really is a blessing and I am not always negative. Today was just a hard day and I hate to have new mothers going along thinking everything about having babies is easy, because it's NOT! But I really do feel so BLESSED! That's why I changed the name of my blog to Britt's Blessings. I am so grateful for the suggestion from a friend to call it that. I had to change it from the former "Britt's Boys" since I have a girl now. :)

My sis-in-law pointed out so wisely what life is like right now "full of tears one minute, and full of laughter the next." I couldn't have explained it better myself...really! She has such a way with words and I am grateful I stumbled across her blog today. I was reminded of the sweet time when we had our first baby and how different but still very blessed our lives are now. 

I often think of Hyrum and the way I was feeling a year ago. My heart was still very tender and it was hard for me to see babies at all. It hurt so bad to imagine what life would have been like had he not left us so soon. When things get really hard I remember the time I spent pleading with the Lord to help my heart heal. Over time hearts do heal and life goes on. I think of him often and I wonder if Bobbi Pearl was hanging out with him before her arrival here. It puts a smile on my face and gives me the perspective I'm seeking. 

 I have really loved scarves lately.

 The other day I was able to do two things I love doing. I baked some cookies and made a crafty, cute container to put them in for a friend. I miss being crafty! 

 Emmit and I went for a walk yesterday. It is so beautiful here and the weather has been so unlike the typical January/February weather!

I got out and walked for about 1 1/2 hours total today. So nice!!!

Life with Baby Girl and Silly Boys!

Life is such a blessing. I made it through my 6th pregnancy and 5th c-section and my cup runneth over. Life is very busy with a large family and living in the middle of nowhere (lots of travel to doctors appointments etc.) but we are so happy.

In the past seven months a lot has happened. Here are a few big (and not so big) things;

 We had a lot of fun playing in the summer, going to the library in Green River and parks, splash pads, and the Museum of Curiosity at Thanksgiving Point. (We even got a membership because it was SO FUN!)

We did a little jeeping as soon as Alie got back from her mission. This was the first time in a LONG time that all the Falkners have been together jeeping. We can finally join in the fun since we have a jeep...although we don't all fit in our jeep so we have to throw a few kids in with others.

Stanley finally got the potty thing down! We actually had NO diapers for a while....hasn't happened since before we had kids! Kenzie was able to come and hang out with us and see the Gorge and visit the visitors center. We had so much fun with her and we even went to Rock Springs and checked out one of their free swimming pools. Niel and I were able to take a little trip to Park City to celebrate 12 years of marriage in August. 

 School! Trying not to go crazy with these boys!

 We were able to go to Comic Con and enjoyed seeing cool booths like this one. There was also a hypnotist and lots of stuff the kids were very interested, not to mention a LOT of "interesting" people dressed up like super heroes and fantasy characters. We lost Henry for a few minutes and it was the most terrifying few minutes of our lives. I don't think we'll every take young children to an even like that again...unless we have leashes or something to make sure they stay close.

In October we released some balloons at the cemetery and went out to eat at Chuck A Rama to celebrate Hyrum's first birthday.

We are so proud of Emmit for working so hard to earn his Arrow of Light! Howard has really enjoyed scouting too and earned his Wolf badge before becoming at Bear when he turned 9 in December. Niel finally got glasses. (He has needed them for years.) Stanley looks pretty cute in them.

 Waffle Love....mmmm. We have eaten quite a few of these delicious belgian waffles and have a hard time resisting a visit to the truck when we're in town.

 More fun at Thanksgiving Point with a few cousins. Alivia, Brielle and Libby...love that smile!

And....introducing Baby Girl, Bobbi Pearl!!!! We love this little sweetheart and it's so wonderful having her with us now. 

The boys have been pretty obsessed with Pokemon lately. Howard wanted a Pokemon birthday party and of course Stanley and Henry wanted the same. So much for the cool Batman stuff I found on clearance.  

Oh my, we sure love this little girl....perfect Christmas gift! Her hands look more feminine than the boys' ever did. I love all her little gestures. 

 We had fun going to the Christmas concert at the school while Niel and Howard were in AZ helping Rachel and Emily move. Before Christmas we decorated sugar cookies.

 Crazy, fun boys, and our baby girl on Christmas morning :)

 We travel SO much since we live in a tiny town and away from family, shopping, doctors appointments etc. Bobbi is SO good in the car, and we are all grateful! 

So much more than this has happened but I just wanted to give a quick summery of a few things. Niel loves his job here in Daggett County and we are all doing well. We are so grateful for our eternal family and our siblings, parents, nieces, nephews, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends!