I’m tired of feeling sad over you.

I’m tired of hurting because of you.

I’m tired of yearning for you.

I’m tired of seeing and hearing from you yet I can only stand from afar.

I’m tired of hearing stories of you with another person that isn’t me.

I’m tired of still caring for you when I shouldn’t.

I don’t even know why I still care for you.

I don’t even know I still think of you.

I don’t even know why I still love this girl who sees me as nothing.

I don’t even know why I still love this girl who has never cared for me the same way.

I don’t even know why I still love this girl who doesn’t care about my feelings.

I don’t even know why I still try to consider so much for this girl who doesn’t even consider the least for me.

I don’t know why I don’t heed my friends advice of cutting you out, of being harsher.

I don’t know why I still get sad whenever I hear your stories with another man when we weren’t anything to begin with.

I don’t know why I even gave my heart to you, you who hated it so much.

I don’t even know why I still love you despite everything.

when all you have ever cared about is everything else except me.

when choosing to leave shatters my heart to a million pieces

but I still have to do it because it’s the only path to stop myself from hurting and breaking again.

If you ever thought that choosing to leave was easy for me,

know that it was the most difficult thing that I had to force myself to do.

Choosing to leave someone that I love and care for when all I ever wanted was to stay by your side till we are old and grey.

And I know I can’t do that to myself any longer because you don’t love me the same and staying on will only make us go back to what we were before.

I lost myself back then, trying to love you who didn’t love me back.

The past weekend somehow felt like the last time that we will ever meet.

When we did that brief hug at the end, I wanted to say thank you and take care. But I couldn’t mouth it out, so here goes –

thank you and take care, you.

I’m sorry for choosing to leave,

till we meet again.

I think I know what you meant with your actions today and I will fully let you go too.

I will never know how you feel about the loss of me or the extent of hurt that I gave you (or maybe even none, I really don’t know). And similarly, you will never know how I feel about the loss of you too. Because we are coming from 2 different ends and feelings, and we are just 2 very different people as well.

You may think that I’m being extreme or heartless and that I’m doing this to hurt you. But it’s just what I needed to do and I would never choose actions that can hurt you.

Letting you go was the hardest thing that I had to do in the past 7 months of our distance.

I learnt to live without you and I grieved you. 

I learnt that I needed to stop my care for you because you don’t care for me the same and that you will never reciprocate.

I learnt to understand that you only chose the things that I did for you but you never ever chose me.

I learnt that I never really mattered to you in whatever capacity you want to call it.

I learnt that you will never admit that we crossed the boundaries and reached the grey area, we were not acting like platonic friends anymore.

I learnt that me thinking that we had a special bond was all built on nothing concrete, you were never mine and I was never yours.

I learnt that you probably never truly bothered about what I thought or felt, all you cared about is what others thought. What image you portrayed to others.

I learnt that we can never have anymore talks to resolve things because there’s nothing else to resolve anymore. I can’t go back to the state of loving you without getting reciprocated, I can’t go back to the closeness that you want, I can’t give you the special treatment that you want. And you probably will think that I’m giving up the friendship and why can’t I just go back to normal. Or why can’t I just be logical and move on and let the past be the past. That’s why I say you can’t and won’t understand my pov ever, because you weren’t the one with feelings. You mattered to me too much for me to just let you stay in my life and act like nothing happened.

I learnt that ultimately we can never resolve the issue between us because the whole relationship on its own is a problem. It’s called a situationship and to resolve a situationship, you either move forward to an official relationship or you break the situationship and end things for good. And I’m choosing to end things for good because we can’t stay in this limbo anymore.

I learnt that I can’t give you the power to hurt me anymore. That day when you said that I was delulu, I was broken. Broken to know the fact that the person that I loved and would never hurt intentionally would do this to me. But I don’t blame you, you probably lost your patience and think that it was a good way to hold your stance. And it was a good trigger for me to wake up and not hold onto this one sided love anymore. Maybe you wanted to protect yourself like how I want to protect myself now too.

You will never know how unbearable it is, when I hear the stories of you “dating” and then feeling so silly because we are nothing and I have no right to feel jealous or sad when I hear these stories.

You have no idea how heartbroken I am to hold onto distance with you, to say no to you, to stop including you in my life. You were the most important person in my life and I remember the promises that I made to stay by you.  You may only see it as me being heartless for doing all these, but I cry every single time I make those decisions.

I shed countless tears and had so many thoughts of self-harm for a girl who doesn’t love me the same.

Read that again and maybe one day, you will understand why I chose to do all the things that you call extreme.

but in truth, I really don’t expect you to understand nor do I need you to, because I know deep down, we just see relationships and people differently. And also, I wasn’t of that significance to you too. I was probably just someone that cared and did things for you, so why not right?

Nevertheless, thank you for being the most important person in my life for a period of time. Thank you for showing me what it is like to love, for letting me learn about self-respect, self-love and boundaries.

I genuinely wish you the happiest and healthiest of life, to be surrounded by people who you love and loves you back.

J.

I tried my best to consider you without hurting you.

I truly loved you with all my heart –

but loving someone doesn’t mean that they will love you back.

I hope my absence brings you the peace which my presence couldn’t.

I hope that you are happy wherever you are.

I hope that you are loved by those that you keep around you.

I hope that on the days that you feel sad or need someone to talk to, you always have that person to reach out to, hear and comfort you.

I hope that on days when you feel small and unseen, there will be people who love you who make you feel seen and worthy, like how I see you always.

I hope that you have someone who remembers all the little quirks of yours, the funny routines that you have that makes you uniquely you. Those that I always appreciate you for.

I hope that they consider you enough to know that sometimes you don’t voice out the things that you want and naturally just get them for you.

I hope that they show up for you out of their own initiative even if it’s hard for them because even though you’re an independent girl but you’re still scared to do certain things on your own.

I hope that they are willing to stay up and accompany you, when you’re afraid to sleep at night in a foreign place because you’re a scaredy cat haha.

I hope that they make you laugh and add colours into your life because I know you love it too. I hope that they too, love that smile that you give when you laugh till your tummy hurts.

I hope they bring you out on adventures because even though you’re a homebound cat, you still like these adventures (just not heights!).

I hope that they notice and get the things that you subconsciously say you need but don’t get it on your own because you have always been a thrifty girl and don’t splurge on yourself.

I hope that you don’t need to hold life’s sadness or difficulties alone and they will hold it together with you.

I hope that they fully hear you when you finally open up and share your thoughts and feelings because it’s the rarest thing for you to open up.

I hope that they can have difficult conversations and work things out with you because you’re important enough for them to resolve things together.

I’m sorry if my love for you ever felt like a burden or a nuisance. Or that you ever felt unheard by me and I never meant for it to be that way.

I only ever wanted to be there for you through all of life’s ups and downs, to create memories together and care for you.

And I shouldn’t have because you didn’t want me nor did you really need me. I wasn’t the person that you wanted. I offered a love that you didn’t want.

And I know that we will never care for each other the same way. On that day when you called me delusional and said that this was an endless cycle, I knew that I had to stop choosing you. Because I would never say words that would hurt you but you would, in a heartbeat.

I have no regrets loving you with all my heart and I am always thankful that you were born and that I met you in this life.

I don’t know how I can continue being just a friend to you after all this when you’re the first person that I truly loved. I don’t know how I can look at you and make it like nothing ever happened between us. I don’t know how I can continue caring for you without ever reigniting my feelings for you.

I don’t know what to do about us and I think maybe for now, leaving you is the better choice for us.

I spent the past 3 months learning how to live without you, the most important person in my life. To learn to live with your absence. It was the darkest and most difficult period of my life, I had so many dark thoughts and I missed you every single day.

But it probably doesn’t matter to you at all if I am in your life or not. It wouldn’t matter to you losing me as well since we have always cared for each other differently.

I just wish that you will always stay happy, safe, healthy and loved wherever you are.

Love,

Jeryl

All you bothered about was how the rest perceived you,

why others did what they did,

when all I care about

was how you felt

what you think;

how was it between us

what happened to us;

unbothered by what others perceive

because they don’t matter like you do;

we are truly different. 

And I no longer hold an ounce of hope for us 

whatever foundation we had

I have already given it all up.

Even if we don’t contact each other for life,

I’m fine with it too.

I would learn to live without you.

Because I know you’ll be fine without me, you wouldn’t even try to make me stay.

so why do I force myself to stay

when someone doesn’t care for you the same.

goodbye forever.

I have a feeling you got everything you wanted

and you’re not here wasting time like me

You’re just thinking it’s a small thing that happened

The world ended when it happened to me.

Found the most apt lyrics to describe us. It’s probably better for you now that I’m out of your life, no one to bug you or affect your peace anymore. You don’t have to waste time or energy on me. You probably don’t understand how much you mean to me, how much I treasure us and how heartbreaking it was when I chose to distance and let you go forever. It might have been a relief for you. Yet here I am, grieving over the loss of you, the void of not having you in my life anymore, of not being able to be there for you anymore and constantly replaying the words that you said to me.

But it’s ok, since everything was my delusion, I guess nothing we had ever mattered to you. And I’m probably easily replaceable by someone else. And the sad thing is that to me, you can’t be replaced by anyone else and that’s why I grieve over the loss of you. But I know that I really don’t mean much to you and that you probably just see me as another passerby in your life.

I guess you will probably be happier without me in your life. With all my heart, I wish you a happy, peaceful, safe and healthy life. Hope you always have people that you love and they will have your back when you need them. You got to live a good life ok. I’m rooting for you even though I can’t be in your life anymore.

day 74,

24.04.2025