[E] Things that I couldn’t say
Hi, its me again. Writing about things I couldn’t talk about.
When we got the news that Ayah had cancer at the end of Dec 2023, he was feeling down and always stayed inside his room. But I couldn’t sit with him in that room because I knew if I do that, I wouldn’t be able to talk and would just cry my heart out. I really didn’t want to do that; I didn’t want him to get sadder.
I told myself that I should let him take his time in his room. If he wanted to come out, then I would talk to him, but he never came out of his room when I was around.
Looking back at that time, I didn’t know what to say to him. I could only offer him if he wanted to go anywhere like visiting his old friends or relatives before his condition become worse. But he said no.
Here’s the thing, I was afraid if I said the wrong thing, I would make him feeling even worse. So, I avoid talking. What should I talk about?
Should I talk about the past when he was healthy and strong? I was afraid that he would be sad thinking that he couldn’t be healthy again.
Should I talk about the future when he no longer be in the picture? I was afraid that he would be sad thinking that he wouldn’t hang around that long.
Should I talk about the present, the way he felt when he was in pain? I was afraid that the only thing I can tell him is to be patient when there is nothing much we could do with last stage of cancer.
I noticed that every time my family and I came hometown to visit him, he would sit in his room all the time. I thought that he didn’t like that we came or that he was angry at me because we spent a day having fun at the waterpark while he was feeling sad and worried. I don’t know.
But I did some things that would make him happy, bought him some food that he liked – laksa, bihun sup, cendol and kuih ketayap. I knew he didn’t have the energy to go out with me to buy breakfast at the mamak stall, but I insisted. He paid for my last roti canai that day. The 2nd time I asked him to follow me to buy breakfast, he could no longer step out of his seat, so he stayed in my car. Nobody prepared me for my every ‘last’ with Ayah.
There were days when I helped him to take his wudhuk and taught him to pray coz he forgot the steps or surah during solat. His second last complete words to me were, “Ida, jaga solat”.
Two weeks later, he could barely sit, and his speech became slurred, he said this while crying, “Lain kali Ida balik, Ayah dah tak boleh gerak”. That was his last words to me.
Two weeks later, he was right. He could no longer move on his own and he could no longer speak – bedridden. I could not understand what he was asking, and he seemed to be in frustration because he couldn’t tell us what he wanted. It was so hard for me seeing my strong father to become slowly disabled and constantly in pain. Fuck you, cancer.
I couldn’t bear to see him in that state (bedridden) but I would always make a straight face while feeding him or changing his clothes or wiping his body with wet towel. I was not strong, but I tried not to cry in front of him or my mother. No amount of tears I shed will make any of that got better so why cry?
Ayah, today I found your stuff in my storage room. There were nails, gardening tools and that bbq pot that you bought for me. There are a lot of things here in my house that reminds me of you. I will always pray for you. I love you, Ayah.
[E] Bitter
Hi. It feels good to be able to write about things that I don’t talk about. So, I am going to keep writing here because therapy is expensive.
The year 2024 humbled me in every way. Everything that I hoped and prayed for, just didn’t go the way I wanted.
I became so angry, disappointed, and sad with everything that happened this year. It feels like I am in the naughty list, and I am getting the punishment for it.
With the news that my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer just made my mental health even worse. I couldn’t sleep through the night, and I would cry whenever I woke up at 3am. I might have this episode which I learned as Anticipated Grief. I grieved about what will happen to my father even before he passed away.
I hoped that Aimi, my 13-year-old would get an offer into boarding school, but she failed. I was so angry; I might have said hurtful things to her conveying my disappointment. I got accepted into boarding school when I was 13 so why can’t she? I felt like I wanted to make her life miserable at home because she failed to get a place in the boarding school. I told her she will have to study day and night but at the same time she will have to do work in my kitchen. So that she would be sorry that she didn’t get any offer. I am toxic, I know. Anyway, I want to treat her better but my anger issue just won’t help it as it would always make me angrier when I must drive her 26km back and forth for school daily. I even hate her school so much as it is the most packed school in Selangor and I can’t find anything good about it.
My second born, Aizen is currently 6 years old, and he hated school so much he would cry every morning. He’s so good at triggering my angry switch which is currently easily accessible. Some days I would be screaming at him, and I’ve thought of hitting him many times so that he would stop crying. My intrusive thoughts are so busy thinking of ways to make him silence. Even though Aizen can now read but he is so weak in Maths. He also has speech delay, so he is not able to tell even a simple story at this age. Everything about him worries me.
I become so bitter with everyone I see be it offline or online. I don’t even want to know anything about anyone anymore. Especially if that person has what I wanted, children that I can be proud of. I know this is wrong, but this is what I am feeling right now. I hate everything, everyone, every day.
Because of this, I always spend a lot of time on my phone where I can slip into my delusional world. It makes me happy to escape my reality for a while and I also got to learn new things on TT.
I always pray to Allah to remove this bitterness in my heart and let my heart be at peace. I want to accept all of these and let Allah take care of my children’s future. I don’t want to plan anything anymore. I want to be happy, and my happiness depends on me, not others. I want to be a better mom to Aimi & Aizen, a better wife to my husband and a better daughter for my mom.
[E] I lost my father, Ayah
It’s been 11 yrs since my last post. Is anyone still reading blogs nowadays?
Well here I am, trying to write what I am currently feeling instead of talking about it with someone.
I’ve just lost my father – Ayah last April. He was 74 years old when he was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer with brain metastasis. No chemo treatment was offered to him, and he was under Palliative Care for about 4 months. It simply means that he had to go home and let the cancer do its work.
When I was small, I saw him like a Superman, he could do anything that he wanted. He was rarely ill (or didn’t show if he had any illness).
But as soon as the brain metastasis ruined his left-brain function in December 2023, he slowly lost his ability to talk, his mobility, his memory and finally was bed ridden for few months. It was so heartbreaking to see him losing himself while he cried everyday as his condition deteriorated.
To be honest, I couldn’t bear looking at him or hearing him groaning in pain which happened a lot in his last few weeks. He was in so much pain that we had to give him oral shots of Morphine to ease his pain and let him sleep. Up to the point when he could no longer swallow, we had to give him Morphine through injection to get him some sleep.
It was really tormenting for me to see him in so much pain that I prayed to Allah to take Ayah’s pain away. Which could also mean that I am praying for him to die, quickly. So that all his pain will end.
That day came. I was next to him & I still remember how he took his last breath. Since he was given injected Morphine 8 hours prior, he was sleeping when we realized his breathing was far apart and eventually stopped. Everyone cried. Except me. I just couldn’t cry when I saw that Ayah has stopped breathing for 10 mins, I remained calm.
Since I was the only one who was still functioning and composed at that time, I called 999 to get the ambulance to confirm that he’s gone. I also went to the police station to report his death. Everything went so smoothly that he was buried at that same night. I was in every process of his burial but still, I couldn’t cry.
20 days passed since Ayah died but I still can’t cry – until just now while I was writing this. It got me thinking that I don’t love him enough to cry when he passed away. I felt guilty both for not crying and praying that Allah take him as soon as possible because I couldn’t bear to see him suffer longer. Did I not love my own father? But I do. I am confused.
I grew up thinking that I am his most favourite child because he treated me like one. I was always ready to follow him to the town, ever ready with my helmet when I heard him started his motorbike. He would bring me to the stall eating roti canai, laksa at Pak Ngah or laksa by the roundabout in Kuala Kangsar. He taught me how to drive and ride motorbike. He brought me along when he goes fishing. He sent and picked me up from my late-night Quran reading classes and tuition. He shared with me the music he likes, the Beatles of course. I got bored easily on weekend so I asked him to bring me to the river so that I can swim. All of these, we did it with just the two of us. How could I not think that I am his favourite child?
After I got married 15 years ago, Ayah would always come to me whenever I was in need. He would drive 290km one way or get train tickets instantly, heading to my house to be with me whenever I told him that I needed him. How could I not cry on the day he passed away?
Ayah, thank you and I am sorry for everything.
Oh Allah, forgive my father, raise his rank among those who are guided and take care of those he leaves behind.. aminn.
What a pleasant surprise ^^
Wohaa!
Just received this at the office in the morning. It’s a surprise from Win ^^
I’ve been asking to borrow his Credit Card (since I don’t have my own) to buy this iPad Mini, but he kept ignoring me.
So I just give up and didn’t put any hope of getting one.
Mana tahu he secretly ordered this online pulak! lol
And this is what he requested to be engraved on the back of the iPad mini.
Thanks Hubby!
Nah Aimi main ni, jangan kacau henpon Mama..k?
Big bad wolf 2012
Time reached: 6am
Waiting time to get a parking: 0min
Browsing time: 2hrs
Waiting time to get into a toilet: 0min
Chances of rubbing each others shoulders and bums: 0%
Number of books bought: 24
Cheapest book: RM3
Most expensive: RM30
Most priced at: RM8
Total damage: RM198
Waiting time to pay: 1mins
Time left: 8am
Ps: i’m glad we chose the right time to go to the BigBadWolf 😛
[E] Homemade beef patties AJAIB
Malam tadi kami dinner burger ajaib.
HAHAHA.
Sebab dimasak oleh IKAN si Pemanggang Ajaib!
Kali ni aku try buat beef patties guna resepi kat blog Sa.
Boleh tahan dia punya rasa, bak kata Win “kalah BigMac”.
Senang gila buat beef patties ni rupanya.Tutup mata pun boleh masak!
Nah aku bagi resepi yang aku try semalam.
Cincang halus:
– bawang merah
– bawang putih
– daun bawang
– daun ketumbar
Gaul dengan minced meat.
Tabur garam & serbuk blackpepper.
Lagi menarik kalau korang cuba masukkan serbuk roti.
Ada resepi modified instead of guna serbuk roti, guna biskut Hup Seng hancur.
Woha!
Tapi malam tadi aku tak ada both items, so blasah je labu.
Pecahkan sebijik telur & gaul rata-rata (untuk 400gm daging cincang cap Ramly)
Last skali korang bentukkan la patties tu jadi macam mana korang nak.
Nak tebal ke, nipis ke, bulat ke, bentuk love ke, bintang ke.. semua boleh.
Aku biar dia rest 30 minit dalam fridge.
Pastu susun cantik-cantik atas grill.
In this case, aku susun atas Pemanggang Ajaib lah.
Guna api stove yang perlahan.
Oh, nak masak patties ni tricky sikit.
Tak tahulah kenapa Ramly minced meat ni dia keluarkan air yang banyak masa aku masak.
Jadi aku kene check selalu kalau ada air, aku tuang keluar dari pemanggang.
Dan seperti yang aku jangka, patties yg lebar asalnya, jadi mengecut.
Tapi aku tak sangka patties tu MENINGGI – tebal!
Aiyoyo~
10 minit in the middle of cooking time, aku tak tutup pun pemanggang.
Aku biar nganga sebab nak bagi patties tu kering & ada kesan grill.
10 minit terakhir aku tutup balik pemanggang sebab nak bagi dalam patties tu masak betul-betul.
Bila dah siap, aku susun cantik-cantik sebab nak tangkap gambar.
SEDAPPPPP!
Patties juicy, rasa pun mengancam.
Cuma minced meat tu jenis murahan, ada ketulan otot ke lemak entahlah.
So ada je benda yang aku kunyah tapi tak leh hancur.
Selamat mencuba, korang!
[E] IKAN si Pemanggang Ajaib
Weh kome, teman udoh beli pemanggang ajaib IKAN ni online.
Semalam sampai, semalam juge teman menerai-nye!
IKAN tu jenama je tau?
Bukan maknanya dia boleh bakar ikan je.
Katenye kita bole masak macam-macam guna pemanggang ni.
Kuih bengkang pun boleh, kome!
Ok, semalam petang Walaupun hujan lebat yang amat,
aku tetap usung Aimi pergi Mydin kat belakang rumah ni nak beli barang.
Mula-mula aku beli barang nak buat homemade burger patties.
Tapi pikir, aih kang leceh plak nak potong sayur burger, perut dah lapo ni.
So aku pun beli ayam. Aku belah 4.
Kembang kejap hidung sebab berjaya siang ayam guna tangan sendiri,
selalunya tangan abang bangladeshi yang potong ayam 😛
Beli kentang, carrot & brokoli nak masak dengan ayam.
Aku perap peha ayam simple je: (sempat perap 30minit je sebab lapo bebenor!)
– bawang putih
– bawah merah
– halia
– kiub pati ayam
– sos tiram
– kicap
– sos blackpepper
– serbuk blackpepper
– mixed herbs
Potong kentang, carrot & brokoli in big chunks.
Siap.
Pastu aku susun cantik-cantik dalam Pemanggang IKAN tu sebab nak tangkap gambar.
Sebelum tu aku sapu butter kat dalam pemanggang.
Pasang api sederhana, letak je pemanggang atas stove.
Dah bole pergi solat maghrib.
Dalam 15-20 minit kot, aku letakkan brokoli pulak sebab nak ada rasa crunchy.
Tak suka brokoli lembik.
5 minit lepas letak brokoli, aku tengok lagi.
Semua dah lembut masak elok.
Dah bole makan!
Kejap je dah siap makanan yang lazat & sihat ni sebab tak guna byk myk & garam.
Aku berpuas hati dengan hasil masakan IKAN pemanggang ajaib ni. *thumbs up*
So, malam ni akan buat homemade beef burger patties pulak!
Wohooo~
ps: rase macam nak belikan tuk Mak & Mama pulak. Sebab best gila benda ni!!!
W.E CHRONICLES 
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