Day 17 of 365

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And like that, I’ve fallen off the wagon.

I spent much of my weekend being disappointed in myself on retrospective analysis of my week. It’s been a rough one. I haven’t been motivated or self-disciplined enough to stick to habits that might help me achieve some of the goals I set for the year, and might also have helped my body regulate a better mood.

I’ve only been able to keep my protein caloric intake at 30% for 2 of the first 17 days of the year, and I’ve altogether given up on the 30-day “Arm Challenge” that I started. Oh, and did you notice I’m not responding to any prompts? I thought they would help with self-discovery and growth, but I honestly just gave up once the prompts got more introspective and deep (eg. “what does happiness mean to you”). I’ve also felt disconnected from D, significantly increased my screen time, and haven’t been able to regulate my frustration and stress.

Okay, Negative Nancy…

Maybe I should be proud that I’m 10% of the way through Book #2. Or that I’ve continued the daily plank, even when D hasn’t felt like it. Or, that we’re going to be on budget for groceries in January, and had multiple very honest and productive discussions about money.

I definitely should be proud that I’m sticking to my running training schedule, even though opening Strava just makes me feel inadequate AS FUCK. I also know that I should definitely be proud that I limited my overtime to 0 hrs at work this week.

Guess it feels good to end on a good note…

Day 14 of 365

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Prompt: Write about the last moment that made you feel truly happy.

Oh man, without a doubt – hands down – this is the small Totoro painting D left for me yesterday.

I got home, after a longer than intended day at work, after a morning meeting that makes me severely unhappy and on edge week after week. D came to pick me up, and on our arrival home says “I made something for you, you’ll have to find it”.

And, nestled in my plant haven, I found a Totoro watercolour that he had created for me that day.

I’ve been moody and hormonal lately, but in that moment, only happiness surged through my veins. He’s not big on spontaneity, but when he is, it’s perfect. Choosing D was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life to this point. I am truly happy when he’s around.

Day 13 of 365

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Prompt: If you could have any job in the world, what would it be and why?

Every since I can remember I’ve always wanted to be a Vet. As I grew up and matured, and learned more about my likes and dislikes, I actually realized, I probably would rather be an animal handler at the Zoo, for the big cats, rather than a Vet at the Zoo for large animals.

Now that I’m officially “in my career”, I think I’m still learning more and more about my likes and dislikes, and I’m sure they’re evolving as frequently as I am. While I still daydream sometimes about working as an animal care handler for a Zoo, I don’t think it is my dream job.

My dream job was my Lab Technician position at Sanofi Pasteur. That made me realize that I value a team who trusts me, a manager who is willing to help me develop myself, and a workplace that isn’t trying to kill me. It also provided work that was interesting to me, and built on my BSc. in Biology background. I’ve transitioned through another Lab Technician position, to this current Lab Manager position, and well, at the end of the day a job is a job.

What really makes me happy is what’s waiting for me when I get home at night – D. I think so long as I’m working somewhere with my values stated above, it could easily be considered my dream job.

Day 12 of 365

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Prompt: Create you dream life.  Describe it in detail.

Wow. This prompt made me really stop and think. What IS my dream life? More importantly, how is it different than the life I’m already living.

To start, I hashed out a day in my dream life – which apparently includes members of a family that don’t yet exist!

I wake up early-ish, well rested and beside my loving husband. Get out of bed and exercise for an hour, or take the dog for a walk outside in our downtown* crib – saying hi to all my morning regulars, then get home and hop in a hot shower.

Next, have a satisfying breakfast and coffee at the kitchen table* with my family (I envision a husband, and a boy and girl), and take in my surroundings fully. Appreciate the plants. The smell of the food. The conversation.

Commute to work, without dreading the cold or the tasks ahead of me. Work my scheduled hours, and head home happy and content.

Pull out a prepared dinner for the famjam from the fridge on my arrival home, and either pick up the kids from wherever they are, or welcome my husband and our children home when they arrive. Have the windows in the house open to welcome the fresh air home, as well. Again, sit down at our kitchen table and enjoy a lively family dinner. Feed the dog and cat. Chat about the events of our day.

Send kiddos away to play, either outside or in their playroom, and playfully clean up from dinner with my husband, maybe even put some music on.

Spend the rest of the evening getting some small to-do items checked off the list, or head out for a walk with the family to run errands or take the furbaby out again. Pick up an ice cream on the way home, from the local artisan ice cream shoppe around the corner from our house.

Put the kiddos to bed, and then crawl onto the sectional couch in our family room with the husband, and either watch a movie, read, or just spend some quality time together before heading to bed and repeating the next day.

I guess it’s not that different from the life I’m currently living…but it also feels a bit like I should be dreaming bigger. Maybe I’ll ponder on this as I fall asleep tonight…

Day 11 of 365

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Prompt: Write about the highlights from last week, and what you’d like to to better this week.

*pulls up Outlook calendar*

It’s been difficult to pull myself back into the realities of a 9-5 career after so much “vacation” (vacation I earned by working stupid amounts of overtime). Last week I found myself exhausted after a fairly easy day’s work, and I even took a nap one afternoon, I was so pooched.

I’d say, the highlights from last week weren’t actually happy moments. My credit card was compromised, again. I kept procrastinating on an assignment for my Project Management course that was due – ended up doing it literally a few hours before I was supposed to hand it in and it was worth a whopping 30% of my grade.

I suppose I did add three new members to my plant family, and the meal planning and prep went alright last week, however, I was only able to consume 30% protein on a single, meager day. I also willingly ran 8km on a day I was only supposed to run 6.5km – however this was more to make my weekend more enjoyable.

This week I’d really like to do better with the protein consumption goals, and with trying to stay positive about work. I don’t know – maybe I can drink more water or get up and walk around a bit more so I’m not so sleepy and disengaged. I’m also starting another course this week, and I’d like to re-engage in the Project Management one.

I should probably also try and do better at recalling good memories, but for some reason the bad ones stick better.

Day 10 of 365

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Prompt: Name 5 things you do well.

Well, self-praise will not be found on this list, I’ll tell you that much.

  1. Project planning and big picture thinking – I can piece together project components very well in time and space, and visualize things that need to be done, as well as when.
  2. Time Management – Pretty good at planning and estimating time, and being realistic about the amount of time things will take.
  3. Positive attitude (but only when someone else is down) – I am particularly good at finding the positives in a negative situation, but as it turns out, only when I’m not the one most negatively affected by said situation.
  4. Keep secrets – I seem to be the keeper of a lot of people’s secrets, and I find people confide in me even when I wasn’t asking them to.
  5. Love – I think once I know I love someone, friend or romantic, I’m all in, and I will do everything in my power to make sure you know and feel loved.

Day 9 of 365

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Prompt: If you could save up to travel anywhere this year, where would you go?

Vancouver.

I was supposed to go with D last year for our first vacation together. Ever. We were even going to stop in Vancouver to check out some engagement rings in the store I’d like to buy mine from – Foe & Dear.

2020 stole a lot from me. But over the course of the year, we also spent all the money we budgeted for Vancouver & The Sunshine Coast.

Heartbreaking.

Day 7 of 365

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Prompt: Something new you’d like to try this year.

This morning, the first thing that immediately comes to mind is : not have my credit card stolen and used for fraudulent purchases.

It’s certainly been a morning. Cannot say enough praise for my credit card company though – they always catch these charges, and they always deal with them quickly and politely. I don’t know why it keeps happening to me, but, hopefully this year it won’t happen again because I won’t be buying clothing or much of anything from the internet!

But actually, something new I’d like to try this year is investing. I spent a few hours last night with D looking at stocks, and trying to learn from him, and a small hiccup aside, I’m basically ready to pull the trigger.

I feel like this will end up being like my RRSP where I check it twice a month and am sad when it dips or get excited when I make $10 – but as I know, and as D keeps reminding me, it’s longterm, so the bumps along the way don’t matter too much.

Investing feels a little bit like gambling to me, but, hopefully things will go well, and I’m going to find a way to work a bit of money for investing every little while into the budget. That’s my goal today.

Day 7 of 365

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Prompt: Write an encouraging letter to the parts of yourself that might be hurt or disappointed this past week.

Dear Kristen’s Heart,

Don’t despair, you are not in this world alone.  I know it’s disappointing that your family never calls or connects with you, but they think about you.  I promise.

Sure, it’s difficult that you always have to make the effort to reach out first – either by text message or phone call – and sure it’s difficult that you cannot contact your father without him rushing you off the phone or handing you over to your mother, but it’s not like they ignore your calls or texts forever, right?

I know it feels like your mother is using the time between your calls as a way to gauge your interest in your relationship with her and your father, but we both know how much you love them, regardless of the number of days that pass between contact.  And don’t forget that they’re not perfect.  Your mom is struggling with narcissism, whether she knows it or not, and narcissists are notorious for “out of sight, out of mind”.  Hey, you’re that way with some things too, like food, or those lingering friends from your past.  But, as with those friends of yours, you tend to be able to pick up where things left off.

Sure, you will never be able to hold the kind of relationship you’d like with your parents, but you have stronger, more “family” like connections now than you ever did.  Don’t forget to stop and appreciate the amazing friendships you are fostering as a result of moving to Alberta. 

It’s not going to be easy, but try not to dwell on the amount of time between talking to your parents, nor about the amount of effort it takes on your part to actually speak to them.  Remember that they’re still alive, and you’re still able to talk to them when you can.  Appreciate the little time you have with them, and remember that as your relationship currently stands, you don’t want them in your life as much as they were before you moved to Toronto.

Baby steps.  You’re going to be okay.

Sincerely,

Your Head.

Day 6 of 365

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Prompt: This year I can manage my finances better by…

…saying “No”.

There. I said it.

It’s all too easy for me to say, “I need this” or “I should treat myself”. This year, I would really like to strive to be thoughtful and critical about where I spend my money.

My contract is coming up for renewal in April, and ideally I would like to remain employed (with a bit of a raise, even!). But, on the chance that I’m not renewed, I’ll need to make some serious adjustments because the small frills I spend on, month to month, do really add up.

Luckily, I already keep a very thorough spreadsheet. I check it every time I’m paid, and I’m already saving for things I know will come eventually (Wedding, House, Traveling). Oh, and did I mention that I paid off my student loan last year? Now it’s just a small amount of credit card debt that I’m paying off monthly, with the hopes of reeling in unnecessary spending.

Hopefully, by saying no more in the moment (instant gratification), I can build these savings even bigger and be more rewarded in the long run. It helps me work on some of my other goals as well (not buying any clothing this year, stronger willpower).

Oh, and I’ve decided to keep track of grocery purchases on the fridge. It’s somewhere visible. We’re constantly going over, and I think this is a mix of leaving the problem for later, and instant gratifications.

We’re only 6 days in, but I have high hopes for this year.