My father-in-law lives on a farm out in the Brazilian countryside. I didn’t grow up in the country and have always been careful around any creepy crawlies in case they have a nasty surprise. As you can imagine, when visiting the farm, there is a good mix of insects, spiders, snakes, and even scorpions to be aware of.

I am playing with my five-month-old son in the front room when I look up and see a spider about the size of my hand crawling up the sofa about a metre away. I grab the baby and go and find my husband (the native).

Me: “[Husband], there is a giant spider on the sofa, can you have a look and see if it is safe or not?”

Husband: “Oh, [My Name], it can’t be that bad.”

It should be said, I am not afraid of spiders or things like that, and have never exaggerated about one in my life. He gets up to have a look and immediately swears loudly. This attracts the attention of one of the housekeepers there, who immediately runs off to grab the bug spray once she has caught a glimpse of it.

Me: “So… that’s a bad one, huh?”

Husband: “Ah, it would give you a nasty bite, but probably wouldn’t kill you.”

Me: *Still holding my son.* “And the baby?”

Husband: *After a few seconds.* “It might kill the baby, yeah.”

Welcome to the tropics!

My husband and I are lying in bed, fiddling on our phones, getting our alarms set, etc. He just downloaded the Steam app and needed to put in a verification code, and was trying to get me to help him remember the letters by using the NATO alphabet.

Husband: “Okay, the code is ‘C’ as in Charlie, 73, ‘J’ as in…wait, what’s ‘J’ again?

He looks at me, and my mind goes numbingly blank.

Me: “…Dj …ang …oooooo?”

Husband: *Blinks.* “Excuse me? Did you just say “Django”? Which doesn’t even start with a ‘J’?”

Me: “Uh… all I can think of is TANGO! But that’s ‘T’! And so, I said Django!”

I bury my face in the pillow.

Me: “I’m going to sleep now.”

My husband and I are in bed, and we’ve both finished reading our respective books.

Me: “Will you turn out the light?”

Husband: *Clap Clap.*

Me: *Laughing.* “We don’t have a clapper. You’ll have to turn out the light the old-fashioned way.”

Husband: *Purses lips and starts blowing toward the lamp.*

I’m singing Old MacDonald which is a nursery rhyme with farm animals and their sounds. My husband is joining the kids and me for the first time, and I pause to let him choose the animal.

Me: “And on that farm he had a…”

Husband: “Soybeans.”

Me: “Soybeans!?”

Husband: “My grandad owns a farm, and he grows soybeans; he should have them in the song.”

Me: “Soybeans don’t make a noise, you need something that makes a noise. What noise would soybeans make?”

Husband: *After thinking for a second.* “Whoosh?”

And so, with a whoosh whoosh here and a whoosh whoosh there, we had a new verse for the song.

Some gay friends invite us over to watch a movie, and we end up picking a film called ‘The Big Gay Musical.’ One of the husbands is Chinese-American and is trying to find a version with Mandarin subtitles.

Husband #1: “What’s taking you so long?”

Husband #2: “I just Googled ‘gay musical.’ Do you have any idea how many hits there are for that?”