Pa chronicles -I

 Sometimes I feel, i should have atleast recorded the chronicles of Pa regularly somewhere if not the blog, elsewhere. 

Now, when i read the posts of P, it feels so good to revisit those memories. Its like time travel, where you experience the same feel once again. The environment in which i wrote those posts and the way P was those days comes back.

Today Morning just was having this conversation with Pa. She was asking about my schedule for the day and I was saying that I have 12th ISC class in the morning and evening the CBSE batch. Then she was asking me about the early morning class. I was saying it was the combined class where i do revision about specific topics which i record through zoom and save in drive for their reference for exams.

Then she had this doubt, why we dont have any uniform system and why we should have different syllabus like ISC , CBSE, IB etc. I said yes, we can have. When your father becomes PM you change the system and pray that he has to become PM.

She was silent and staring at me for few seconds and retorted saying, Why shouldnt I? I was literally taken back and was speechless for a moment. Then , i said yes. you can. 

Within that sort span, she started ranting, why you always support men and boys etc etc, Though i didnt mean anything by the statement , i immediately apologised and said yes, you can also become PM. And lets start by getting ready for school on time.

What say :)

Whatsapp Status

 I have been keeping Whatsapp Status for the past 4 years. What started as a motivational process for my students became my identity.

One way its addictive because you keep checking the number of views and the viewers just like the good olden blog days.

Then, I figured out that there have been minimum 50 people who religiously check my status. (athaiyum pakkaraangalennu oru santhosham)

Mine is usually based on my mood on that day. There are multiple advantages in keeping Whatsapp status.

1. It acts as a message to my aathu / P. Pa is very smart, she doesnt care.

Whenever i wanted to convey anything to aathu / P i just keep it as a status.

2. Mostly mine is motivational and positive messages. 

3. More often it is funny. 

4. I like to keep it simple - just 1 sentence but sometimes it can be short videos

5. Never ever i have shared the common Good morning or Happy deepavali or Happy new year message

6. My whatsapp status is not religious or nationalistic messages

99% it is messages conveyed to Aathu.

IT FEELS SO GOOD, WHEN PEOPLE COMPLIMENT AND SAY THEY LOOK FORWARD EVERYDAY FOR MY STATUS MESSAGE AND IT KEEPS THEM MOTIVATING AND FEEL GOOD.

If it is some sort of addiction, then i dont mind having that addiction. 

My most favourite is this

Back to Self

 Well, now iam back to self. Yesterday was too overwhelming and little cry party solved everything. I dont like to shed tears in front of anyone. And I never cry. If its too much to handle, a little cry party always helps and i find my balance after that.

Now, i just prayed God to give me peace - more than anything thats important i think. Anyways i take my responsibility seriously and work hard and that always takes care of the rest.

But, Am i happy. Happiness cannot be defined i suppose. Iam filled with gratitude for the family i have and the kids iam surrounded with. So, why bother with other things and worry. Iam as such happy without involvement in the family politics. So, why am i worrying about the extended family.

This is the gyan i received at the end of cry party.

Well, i have recorded this for posterity where i can come back and receive the same gyan when i feel the same in the future.

Journaling

I think i have to control my social media addiction. I have been doing this mindless scrolling whenever i have time. It is so addictive. Its like i need to look at something while eating or simply sitting. 

I went through a post while doing this mindless scrolling which talked about people needing continuous  noise at the background. They dont want silence at all. Silence is so scary that they require either the music or the social media or TV at the background.

When i heard that, it felt scary. Iam literally doing these things. When i work i need something in the background. I either listen to Amazon music or connect to youtube in my TV and go to some mix and play that. Why did i change like this?

I was a person who was so content gazing at the clouds in the terrace or looking at passerby just standing in my balcony. The house I grew up was either full of people or it was literally empty with just me and my grandmother. Till my grandfathers death, we were joint family. (my mom's father) And i grew up with my grandparents. My mom was only daughter and she had 5 brothers. So, when she passed away I was the apple of their eye.

But, it has its cons. My maamis didnt like this. I can understand their feelings now. Slowly, it turned into aversion i guess. They got so pissed off by the attention i was getting from my paatti and thaatha. 

So, the love-hate relationship continued till my thatha was there and it was only hate once he passed away.

Till i was in 5th, 3 of my uncles were away from Chennai, so my holidays would be at their place. It was fun. I was very obedient and quiet girl (no choice) i suppose. But, living away from your comfort zone prepared me well to deal with adverse situations which came later in the life. I think those taught me to deal with all kinds of people and adjust. 

After my 5th std , my uncles came to live with us in the joint family. So, during holidays everyone would leave to their grandparents place, where as i would be left behind in the empty house.

My paatti didnt feel the need to engage me like we do now. We engage our children or rather we dont want them to disturb us , so we either give them mobile or gadgets or put them in some classes i think. We didnt even give them the opportunity to let them be on their own i suppose. 

Thats why they are unable to cope with silence. P and Pa need either music or reels or some form of noise always. 

Iam planning hereafter to restrict not by force but by getting their participation by being an example Lets see how this works out.

As usual i started with a different topic in my mind and ended up writing something different. 

Let me atlease mention what i intended to write - it was gratitude - When i first thought this, the first thing that came to my mind was - I felt grateful for the food cooked by my Cook A. 

Sometimes, i would be compelled to think of all the expenses involved and think that i should cook by myself and clean the house by scheduling my time properly and by this way can save few thousands.

But, something changed that thought. I started seeing engaging people for these work as an investment and giving back.

I can now concentrate more on my work and give my best and also by engaging them iam contributing to their growth too. I am not a strict officer and i try to understand from their point of view even if they dont turn up now and then (people will start bashing me saying - do you consider yourself doing favour and think yourself as god for allowing them and all) Please listen - when i say dont turn up now and then means - my maid took 5 days holiday in the first week of jan saying her mother passed away and second week for 3 days for attending the 10th week ritual and 8 days for pongal. No, this not because of her mother and not a one time thing. This happens all the months but the reason would be different. So, out of 30 days, she woud eventually turn up only for 15 days at the max, and another one whom i know for quite few years and due to her ailment agreed to come for alternate days for sweeping and mopping. That also would be sporadic - max 2 days a week due to other reasons. But i pay for 1 month. 

Sometimes i wonder, why iam unable to dictate terms or be strict with them or why cant i look for another person. I still dont know the answer. Maybe because i didnt want them to suffer. Or do I think the world revolves around me . Theriyala.

Dear Diary-II

 When iam upset or something nags me, i just go to the bathroom and cry for 5 minutes. It just is a vent for me. Iam a very private person. The only person who knows in and out is my aathu. I dont share somethings with aathu, not because it is private or secretive but he would feel bad or he would then take some hasty decisions.

Sometimes I feel, why i should endure all these things. It is not self pity, but how else would you describe a person who has literally no one to share anything or no one to lean except aathu. I know and understand he is also like that, but atleast he has his brother (though only sporadic communication) - atleast someone who cares genuinely about him and who is blood related. 

I think i might have something in my past life to have this kind of scenario - only child - no mother - father who is not bothered but happily living his life with his family and who sends good morning and good night messages (i dont respond). Sometimes, it hits hard when i think i dont have anyone apart from aathu who really cares about me. Noone, to relieve childhood memories or talk about anything associated with childhood.

Previously when my paatti used to have difference of opinion with my uncles, she used to say - u think i dont have anyone , i will call my brother and sister ( she had a bunch of them). Not that i have any problem with aathu. But, if i say this to aathu, he would immediately say, ok, i will stop taking to my brother ( he takes things literally) . What he doesnt understand is that i am not jealous or something or possessive, its just that feelings which sometimes crops unannounced and make you so disturbed.

I know i have to think positive thoughts and not give room for all these stuffs, but sometimes it just crops up. Hmm, should work on this. That's why i always like to keep myself busy without having to think about unnecessary thoughts. But, are these unnecessary thoughts really .............