I have recently discovered… Spoon Theory!

🥄 🥄 🥄 🥄 🥄 

I want to start by providing a link to the Soundgarden song, Spoonman. Nothing to do with Spoon Theory, but it’s a great song and it’s got ‘Spoon’ in the title!

So Spoon Theory.

It originated here:

‘The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino’

… and while it originally was intended as an analogy for describing the amount of energy needed to get through each day, for someone with a physical illness*, such as Lupus, it has also been appropriated and can be used by people with various mental health conditions: e.g. autism, social anxiety, depression… or even perhaps someone who would be considered ‘neurotypical,’ but is ‘going through some stuff.’

For those who prefer not to click on links until they have finished reading the main article, here is a summary of what it’s all about:

Imagine your energy quotient for the day is represented by an arbitrary unit. Let’s say ‘spoons.’ You start the day with a certain amount of spoons (say twelve). Depending on your ‘condition’ (or state of mental or physical health), different activities cost different quantities of spoons. Just getting up in the morning might be costly, especially if you didn’t sleep well. For me, as someone with Social Anxiety, sitting on a busy train, on the way to work, might cost me one or two spoons (depending on how ‘mindful’ I am feeling) – whereas for an NT (neurotypical) person, such an activity might be ‘free.’ My work day might then cost a varied amount of spoons – depending on the interactions that have taken place, changes to my routine, etc… then there’s the train journey home (including the Walking Dead-like exiting of the carriage, to a slavering crowd of high school students)… and whatever interactions might take place at home… etc.

I mentioned an arbitrary starting Spoon Quotient (‘SQ’!) of twelve, but this can vary, depending on sleep, whatever else I might be going through at the time, state of physical health, etc – and these things can also affect the spoon cost of a particular activity or event, which may vary from day to day.

So that’s the simple explanation.

I might talk more about this in future blog posts, but at least now you’ll have an idea what I’m on about!

🥄 🥄 🥄 🥄 🥄 

…

* Although we mustn’t forget that ‘physical’ and ‘mental’ illnesses (or conditions or whatever) are intrinsically linked, such that there is often a very blurry defining line between them.

…

A couple more links:

‘Spoon Theory & Autism’

‘Spoon theory’ on Wikipedia

…

A couple of extra bits:

I just wanted to add a couple more points, following some comments I received upon sharing this on Facebook. Firstly, I think it is important to mention that people who appropriate the spoons analogy have a finite amount of spoons to get them through each day. Once the daily spoons are gone, they’re gone! This might lead to meltdown or depression or whatever… unless one can borrow from tomorrow’s spoons!

Following the above comment, someone asked if it is possible to add extra spoons. Can a particularly rewarding interaction, relationship, etc, give you an extra spoon? I admitted I hadn’t thought of that, then suggested that more positive experiences can be less spoon costly – but I asked if anything other than sleep can actually ‘regenerate’ spoons. Someone else further suggested that something uplifting, like a piece of music or spending time in nature, may regenerate spoons. To which I responded that they had a point, but said that perhaps, since the spoons analogy was originally intended for people with more directly physical illnesses, this is where it falls down with respect of mental conditions.

I then said I would put the above to the neurodiversity group I am a member of!

It has occurred to me that one of the things that gets me the most stressed is when things don’t go according to plan. Control freak? OCD? Maybe. I don’t mind being busy, having a list of jobs to work through and working through them; but when there are deviations from that list or random things come up that need attending to… 😡. To some extent, OK, because that is, you know, life, but too much randomness and unplanned-for stuff creates whirlpools of tension in my soul.

Kind of ironic, because I’ve read quite a bit of stuff lately on accepting the chaos and unpredictability of life. Or maybe not so ironic, because why else would I be drawn to reading this stuff if it wasn’t an issue I need to deal with? But how to deal with it? How to actually accept the chaos and unpredictability of life?

It’s hard. I spoke above of busyness. I said I don’t mind it, but I do prefer not to be busy. I am not one of those people who has to be busy all the time – but when I am busy, I prefer to be in control of that busyness. I tend to be ‘in control’ most of the time at work – less so at home. In an ideal world, I control my own space, my workload, when I relax and play and when I don’t, when I spend time with family, when I talk to people, when I am left alone… This ideal world doesn’t exist, it can’t exist – well maybe partially, but then that wouldn’t be ‘ideal,’ would it? I know, logically, that I cannot control everything in my life, but it is my default to try.

Maybe I need to find a way of changing my default. To reprogram.

Time for a little googling: ‘how to accept the chaos in your life’ – or something.

I’ll report back if/when I find some answers.

From a little light googling, it would appear that ‘Social Paranoia’ is not a thing. Although social anxiety has been linked with paranoia. It is, however, certainly a thing for me, and I expect also for others with social anxiety and other types of anxiety and paranoia.

Social anxiety and paranoia are friends. They support each other, bolster each other, give each other energy – which is lovely for them, but not so much for me. In social situations, I am aware (or feel like I am) of every nuance of speech and action. By ‘aware,’ I don’t mean ‘able to correctly interpret,’ but my socially anxious/paranoid mind goes ahead and interprets them anyway.

Why did that person just look at me (in that way)? Do they hate me? Did I do something weird or socially inappropriate? Did I just say something weird or socially inappropriate? Am I talking too much/not enough? Have I inadvertently looked at them in a weird way, which has made them think I hate them?

And then, of course, through being social anxious and paranoid (‘socially paranoid’), and probably a little spectrum-y in respect of social appropriateness, I am more likely to do weird or socially inappropriate things. Which creates a vicious circle.

People say to me things like…

You shouldn’t think about things so much.

Or…

You shouldn’t care what people think.

But social paranoia is my default. Overthinking and caring what people think is my default.

But I’m working on it.

All of this, of course, translates into the social media sphere. I find myself engaging in this kind of thing:

Why has no one ‘liked’ my post? Why has no one commented on my post? If someone has ‘liked’ what I have said, do they really mean it or are they merely acknowledging they have read it but have no particular opinion about it? Why has that person not responded to my private message, or why have they only responded in a certain way?

I can tell myself there are reasonable, logical reasons for all of the above. Likely reasons. But the paranoid person deals in possibilities, not likelihoods. If there’s a chance, even a small one, that my socially paranoid mind can interpret someone’s response or lack of in a negative way, then by golly, it will do so!

But I’m working on it.

On the flip side of this coin is my need for self-validation. Like me! Love me! Accept me! Approve of me! – all that kind of stuff. The problem being that, while I need to be validated, my social paranoia precludes this from happening. People may say they like/love/accept/approve of me, but since no one knows what anyone else really thinks or feels, they can be lying; at best, to save my feelings; at worst, to make fun of me. Best, then, to avoid seeking validation altogether.

But…

I am working on all of the above.

Writing helps. Analysing, creatively expressing… and I hope that anyone reading what I write, who may feel similar things, can positively self-reflect.

Mindfulness also helps at keeping me grounded and going some way towards keeping those intrusive thoughts at bay.

And sharing is good. Also learning, clarifying, getting positive feedback (and believing it!), training myself to be positive or at least realistic, and pouring the vast wealth of knowledge that is the Internet into my mind. Or at least some of it.

I’ll leave you with some of that knowledge:

Some stuff on paranoia and (social) anxiety:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-social-anxiety-paranoia/
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/paranoia/causes-of-paranoia/#.XLjOHi2ZP4o
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/how-to/how-to-stop-paranoia-and-anxiety/

‘How Not to Worry About What Others Think of You’:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/sapient-nature/201603/how-not-worry-about-what-others-think-you

An interesting and amusing article about autism and ‘appropriateness’:
https://autisticnotweird.com/why_do_autistic_people_struggle/

To follow is an almost verbatim re-telling of my recent Facebook status update, lightly edited and names removed, due to the more public nature of this blog:

…

11apr19:

Another Social Anxiety milestone today! During a lesson in which a fellow TA and ex-teacher was giving a presentation on autism to our class, part of the presentation was about things that people with autism also often have. One of these is Social Anxiety. I was sitting there, enjoying the presentation, keeping the kids in order and doing other things that TAs do, considering whether or not to tell the class about my personal experiences with SA. Bearing in mind that I have blogged about my SA, spoken about it on Facebook and spoken to a small number of people individually about my SA, I have actually never got up in public and spoken about it before. But I decided that in this context, it was too important and too much of an opportunity to miss, so up I got and told the kids about this thing which most of them and I shared… and which I have largely overcome or found strategies to compensate for.

I felt emotionally drained by the end of those few minutes, but I’m so glad I did it! I couldn’t entirely discern, at the time, the kids’ reaction to my exposé, but I was later informed that the kids were rapt and seemed to appreciate my honesty. I really hope they can learn from my getting up there and telling them how I got where I am today, despite the barriers I have had to overcome.

…

Yesterday I started a conversation. Specifically I spoke to a lovely lady at Croome Court, with whom I discussed the possibility of forming links between the National Trust and the special school where I work. I was with my family, my partner was talking to another National Trust person and I just went up to the lady in question and started talking. I didn’t think anything of it – we had a nice chat and I came away with some potentially useful information. Actually not quite true – I thought something of it, but not enough to stop me walking up and talking to her. This wasn’t a big deal. But the fact that I have been writing about social anxiety (here & here) made me think about what a big deal it used to be.

Think about the kind of advice we give to people… if a friend wants to talk to someone they fancy; or your child wants to make friends:

“Just walk up to them and say, ‘Hello’.”

Just walk up to them and say hello! As if that is the easiest thing in the world. Nowadays I have trained my mind (more or less) to blank out all the possible negative consequences of doing such a simple thing.

What if they don’t hear you?
What if they hear you but don’t reply?
What if they reply, but it is clear that they don’t really want to?
What if they say “hello” back, but then you don’t have a clue what to say next?
What if, by some miracle, you manage a few simple exchanges (“Hello,” “Hello,” “How are you?,” “I’m fine.”), but then the conversation dries up and you are left feeling awkward and terrified and don’t know what to do next?

In fact all of the above will render you feeling awkward and terrified and not knowing what to do next. And then of course, with the primary exchange going tits up (pardon my vulgarity), the person you were trying to have a conversation with now hates you and you have zero chance of resurrecting any hope of getting to know that person (or whatever the reason was for trying to have a conversation with them).

And so, with such a high probability of failure, best to just not try in the first place.

Or so I used to think.

I just walked up to that lady at Croome Court and I said, “Hello”! In fact I said a little more than that. Someone I had never met before (okay, I had met her earlier in the day). I opened the conversation, she replied; we had an interesting, useful and pleasant chat. I said thank you and goodbye and off we went. I came away feeling good.

It has taken decades of training to get to this point. And to do it sober, with a complete stranger and feel happy about it! I feel sad for the years I have lost to social anxiety… but I look forward to all the happy, pleasant, interesting, funny conversations to come.