Mystic thoughts from a PixieLynx

The other night I had a lovely visit and chat with one of my sons. He was telling me about part of his breakup. How she had trouble with the fact that they were having more meh days then good days. And the longer I thought about that part of the conversation, the more it bothered me.

You see, all days that aren’t bad days are good days.
The days filled with Normality are the good days.

We have been sold on this idea that we need “extra magical good days” for life to have meaning. And it’s a lie. It’s a lie that is all a part of capitalism. There is this false idea that for a day to be Good, there has to have been something specifically “meaningful”, or “significant” happen, other wise it’s just a meh day. But you see, those “meh days”, those are also the Good days.

Was your day today just like the last one, and the one before that? Get up, get ready and go to work. Interact with your coworkers. Maybe look at Jills grandkids playing in the sprinkler or in the sandbox and smile and laugh with her about the mess they made. Leave work and go home to cook a meal. Fart around on social media a bit. (Okay, maybe a lot. LOL)
If this was you, I’d say that was a Good day.

I mean sure, there are the rare extra good days. And there are even the more rare magical days. But those are the bonus days to life.

Breathe in and look for all the ways that your everyday is a Good day.

Love you guys.

TTFN

illy 🧚🏻‍♀️

There is so much going on in the world right now, and as always I have soooooo many thoughts about it.  Most of them are going to just stay in my head for a change.  Positivity is the best way to combat the social distancing blues. 

Raven Cliff Falls  3.19.2020

The biggest thought is that I’m apparently no where near the level of hermit I thought I was. With this virus going rampant and with the flatten the curve by social distancing, I have realized that I need recreational social contact much more than I’m getting.

I am so ready to go camping and to hide out in the woods.  Part of me just wants to be able to do that until this whole pandemic of the covid-19 virus is gone.  And the rational part of me knows that I wouldn’t be able to handle that much solitude.  Though I am craving the woods, I am also craving an sca event and people, and noise, and laughter.

I hope that you all are doing well and keep up with the good job of maintaining your social distancing.

❤

#pixilly

I have so many things that I had wanted to get accomplished in this past year and while I feel like I have made good strides, in reality I haven’t even come close enough to reaching those goals.  I have been getting better about staying on top of my spending and keeping a super sharp eye on my budget. However, I’m 48, and I’m not getting any younger! So here is my Stars, Mountains, and Dreams List for the next couple of years.

Oh, what are the stars, mountains, and dreams referring to?  Well, the Stars are my goals posts for the year. The general goals that I want to accomplish.  The Mountains are the actual tasks and work that I will have to put into to see me getting to the Dreams; which are the “wants” at the end of my dreaming rainbow of where I want to be in the next couple of years. 

Stars:

 I want my own home.  I want to be able to buy a townhome with a screened in porch so that I can sit outside and enjoy fall, winter, and spring without bugs; and so that my fur babies can enjoy sitting with me as I have my hot tea, crochet and enjoy listening to the birds. And then I also want a car that can tow a small vardo. 

In order to realize this I want to do the following before July of  2020:

1. Keep paying off my main credit card.
2. Take out a medium loan and pay off all bad debts that are showing on my report.
3. Get second credit card/increase credit limits. 

And then before the end of 2020 I would like to:

1. Get into the habit of better car maintenance.
2. Get newer to me car in my name that can tow a small vardo.
3. Maintain my ever improving credit.
4. Buy a small house/condo/townhouse in/near the greater Athens area.

Mountains:

I have been making great strides this past two months in regards to my credit.  Which is actually pretty outstanding! It is giving me great hope for my sense of well being to be able to move forward toward owning my own home.  Saving money…well, let’s just say that is a never ending uphill battle! If I were to continue on toward having my own home instead of renting, I would prefer to go with a townhome/condo.  Lets face it, I know that the reality is that I am never going to want to mow a yard every weekend, much less will I want to give up what little bit of traveling I get to do to maintain a yard, or spend money on having someone else maintain a yard.  With a townhome I can have a patio garden and be perfectly content with that! 

 I’ve been doing a great job with un-fecking my space, and with keeping my crap kinda minimal.  I still have a good bit to go in this regard. I have too many family members that have been hoarders, as well as friends and I have seen what a mess that can leave for the family to deal with and I just don’t want the stress of crap junking up my breathing and mental space.   

In regards to the car, I’m thinking that I should be able to find something this coming summer and use my current car as a trade in.  I have a pretty good idea of what the top buying price is that I can afford and still have the monthly payments around where I want them to be. 

I still have plans on building my tiny little vardo/stone cottage for using at events.  I have worked on these plans until I am absolutely sure about what it is that I am going to build, and what materials I am going to use for it!!  I just need a vehicle that can tow and to find the right trailer as the base.

Finally and not least importantly then are my ideals for actions that have nothing to do with anything other than being human. :

1.   Build my small “Stone Cottage” Vardo.
2.  Get active, get fit, and stay fit.
3.  Be active in supporting those that need it from bullies and other degenerates in and out of the SCA.

Getting active, fit, and staying fit. This has been the hardest one for me to stick with.  I hate the way I look in photos. It’s crazy, I know but that is just the way that it is!! So I will fully admit that I am a couch potato slug.  I admit it freely. I need to kick myself in the behind and get off my bum and start exercising. I do not want to be pushing 60 and find that I am unable to walk around anywhere  in a day without needing to stop every five minutes. I want to still be active and kicking it when I am 80, and still able to take my little “stone cottage vardo” to events with the ability to get it set up mostly on my own!  

Dreams:

My dreams are the whole point of this.  I want to be able at the end of the day to feel secure of where I am financially, as well as emotionally.  I want to have a cozy small home that any of my kiddos will feel welcome coming to visit me at. I want to have a little comfy vardo that I can go to events in since tents are such a bother as you get older. I want to know that what I say matters and that the people I surround myself with know that I speak with compassion and with heart. 

Enjoying my patio and a hot cup of soup while I dream of what may come.

It’s only forever, not long at all…………..

Forever until I find you again

Not long until we meet again

I am standing still, and yet I am drowning in my need …

      a yearning… 

            for something that I have yet to know.

A yearning for what lies beyond the veil.  

For the realities of the fantasy of goblins, kings, fae, and queens.  

For the realities of the fantasy of dragons, magic, spells, and power.

A yearning to know that of which I dream and can just see in the corners of my vision.

I love music.  I know, that is such a shock for anyone that has read anything I’ve ever posted before! LOL

I love to immerse myself into the feelings and imagery of the music as I listen to it.  I also find that particular moods requires particular music.  Or, even more interesting to me, is that if I find myself in a particular mood, then the music can help fuel creativity.  As in the case of listening to the soundtrack from the movie The Labyrinth.  Last night I listened to the soundtrack as I worked on creating a final menu for Red Tower.  And I gotta say the combination of David Bowie singing and the score from Trevor Jones has put me into the mood for not only getting ready for Red Tower in October, but also to pick up my writing again and to get back into my world of witches, vampires, fae, and weres. Oh my!  I think my yearning will lead to me to my own worlds of magic and creation. 

It has also helped pick me up out of my hole a bit and pull me back into my own beam of light.   Being the Light you need in the world is not all “fluffy bunny white lighter”.*  It takes work and sometimes help from others.  This isn’t to say that I’m not still feeling down.  It’s just a note to point out that even while I know I’m down, that I can see the light, and that I can keep working on shining my light even brighter.  I guess I really am a bit of a Pollyanna.

I have also come to realize that five years ago today my mother passed away from lung cancer.  This year her loss is being especially hard on me.  I have great, awesome, wonderful, and joyful news about one of my sons.  I had a thought on the 3rd to give her a call and tell her the awesome news, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I can’t call her any more.  Even though it has been five years, it was as if it were just yesterday for just that brief moment.  And let me tell you, it was an effort to not cry at work.  Ugh.  Public tears!  The horror!!  I do wish I could call her and hear her voice.  She would be so thrilled with the boys and where they all are in their lives right now.

If you need a little light to help your own to shine, I’m here and charged up a bit more again.    Who knows, with all this rain, maybe there will be a rainbow today also?

I think the more we help others charge up their lights, the more that we help charge up our own.

Stay shiny!

 🦋

I’m tired.

I don’t know where to start.

I’m tired of where I am.

I am tired of feeling like I’m not getting anywhere.

I work 40 hours a week and once my bills are paid, I have nothing left but a little food money. And if I go to events, my budget takes a hit.

I have no motivation to actually *Do*. I crochet a bit, I read a lot. Reading is my escapism since I do not have internet or cable at my apartment.  

I am tired of the current sca.  

I’m tired of being lonely in a camp full of people.

I have things I want to make. But no energy to get started.

I’m tired of the brain monkeys in my head.

I’m tired of being sad; “meh” all the time.

I’m tired of hiding my sad.

I’m tired of being tired.

I’m tired of being.

I’m tired.

I am not okay.

I don’t know what to do to get okay.

I’m not at the end of my rope, or at the bottom of my well. I am still standing because I *have* to be.

I have to for others. And it seems that is enough for now.

But I am still tired of fighting this battle to stay standing every day, all day.

I would go to a dr if I had the ability to pay for it, much less for any treatments or such.  

But then, a huge part of my problem is that I can’t pay for anything more than the bare basic needs that I have.  

This life is killing me.

Even in the little moments of calm and contentment, I feel as if I am just treading water and that I am stupid, fat, and lazy.

Even when I am excited about getting ready to prepare a feast for an event, I am drowning in the worry that going to the event itself is going to prevent me from paying rent, or power, or car payment, or car insurance, or phone, or even from being able to just eat in the next week.

I have just bought cleaning supplies (other than dish soap and bleach) for the first time in almost two years in my apartment.

I hate letting people know that I am so on the edge of poor, because then everybody wants to help me get to an event.  But it’s not just about getting to the event, it’s the gas, food, and other many tiny needed items for a weekend event.  

I am just so tired.

But I’m still standing.

🦋

A few of weeks ago, I had a very long conversation (well, more like I listened while they conversed) about inspiration. They were waxing on about why do the things that they can do.

In the course of our conversations we got on the topic of what inspires you to do what you do in your creative life.  All things. From SCA to just crafting and creating. Where do you get your inspiration to DO from? What pulls you up from the inertia of sitting still to go and create?  

Do you feel like you need an outside of yourself influence in order to be able to craft or create? Or to share with others what you have crafted or created?

I have a feeling I’m going to be pondering this for a good while.

Have a lovely day!

🦋