My life is complex,
and I’m sorry for that.
Sorry that it is such a struggle
to feel loved, to feel complete.
Even while I know I am loved,
Somehow, something inside of me
Longs for more.
August 16th 2011
Once again,
Candles waver remissly,
as the musky scents of our bodies
kiss the white silken sheets…
Let me drink deep from your well
With the tongue of a man, the final drops of wine poured from a celestial flask…
Embrace my loving eyes as they
Taste the curves and lines of you…
Just as eternity embraces
every moment…
And allow this moment
to be ours alone…
Then like a dream at dawn…
remind me of that ancient rhythm
Feel the scratch of my face upon your tender skin…
while my mouth measures the willingness of your lips
and drinks from them
The surrendered words…
That you In unbridled solitude
Sing to me.
and let me rejoice upon each caress that you give me,
until we celebrate the death of this evening in our tired eyes…
Your clothes strewn across the floor
As naked as you have ever been
Not in flesh and curves or soft dimples
But your feeling exposed in full
Your tears and feelings openly displayed
In your true lovers plane view
Something so new to you as you
Anticipate the moments to follow
With quivering emotions and tender heart
You thought you had loved other men
And given what you wanted them to have
Thinking love passed from skin to skin
But here you stand naked as never before
Ready to give so so much more
I know that when i look into your eyes i will see a spark of magic looking back at me. When our eyes meet it is our souls that are connected and I know that no one else has ever seen the love there, that you have for me in your eyes. In those moments it’s just you and me, and I know that it is sacred and beautiful and ours. There are time when I want nothing more than to look into your eyes, because it is then in those moments of silence, that you end up saying the very most.
나는 당신의 눈을 들여다 볼 때 저를 뒤돌아 보는 마법의 불꽃을 보게 될 것을 압니다. 우리의 눈이 만날 때 그것은 연결되어있는 우리의 영혼입니다. 그리고 그 누구도 그 사랑을 보지 못했다는 것을 압니다. 당신의 눈에는 나를 위해서 있습니다. 그 순간에 그것은 당신과 나뿐입니다. 나는 그것이 신성하고 아름답고 우리 것을 알고 있습니다. 당신의 눈을 들여다 보는 것 이상을 원할 때가 있습니다. 왜냐하면 그것은 그 순간 침묵의 순간에 있기 때문입니다.
I can’t believe how much you impress me. More than the sun and the moon. You impress me and I fucking love you…
The summer heat drives her into a simple t-shirt, just a little to short as she goes to bed.
A gently whispered I love you slips through the window in search its Lover. .
She pauses in her sleepy stride indulging in the pleasure of it’s gentle caressing breeze.
A small gust suddenly lifts the cotton, rushing through a blush of hair delighting her with erotic thoughts.
Traveling inside the sheer gray material, the breeze brushes against silver dollar nipples erecting them.
Finally feeling it’s way through her long blond hair, where gentle strands wisp across her face,
lightly caressing delicate cheeks, making her long for his loving touch.
Photo by picjumbo.com on Pexels.com
I wanted my words to capture your heart
and return it to me…
But it wasn’t my words
that captured you, it was my love…
And once you knew it was real,
you were mine…
Because no one had ever loved you before,
and true love cannot be refused.
I know the empty
That you have tried to fill
With touching hands
And men oh so shallow
The nights spent so alone
With someone there beside you
Touching to fill a void
Expanded in those nights
Where all you wanted
Was to sleep in peace
Protected by loves presence
I’ve been so afraid of losing you so long, it took a while to realize that you were never mine. You never wanted me. I gave my heart to you and you let it sit there, and did nothing with it.
Although you always come back to me, your heart was always someplace else, with someone else – never me. I’m thinking a little more clearly now and while I still love you and long for you, instead of being afraid that I will lose you, I now know, that it’s you, that is going to lose me. Not because I wont be there for you, but because you will one day walk away. You will settle for someone who loves you less and who you love less than you love me.
I know the stars are there,
Behind the black clouds,
beyond the lifeless moon.
But to me they are cold.
Frozen stars. Not points of fire
that somehow resemble our sun,
but vivid portraits of death.
Your shallow heart
makes me cry,
As your words
Crash around me.
Your fears exclude
even the though of me.
In a place where
you are free to fly
and I do not exist.
The sound of your
words bury me
beneath the waves
of your freedom.
Three events define you to me, and all for the same reason.
The night I read a bed time story to your son. As I sat on the bed, you and your son sat on the floor and you laid your head on me. Then curled around me and just allowed yourself that peace.
The night we went to dinner and dancing. On the way home you crawled up on the console between us and wrapped you hands around my arm hugging me and laid your head on my shoulder weeping telling me that you loved me.
The time the gun when off in the middle of the night, and you asked me to come over. The moment I arrived and I put my hand out, you clung to me with both hands pressing yourself against following me every step I took, as I saw to things, knowing you were safe with me.
There are a few other events, but they all amount to the same thing. You love me as much as you’ve ever loved anyone, and when you allow yourself to follow your heart, everything becomes as it should be.
Dear Ms…. I love you… I’ve been good not to text you to much, so I won’t feel bad about bothering you with this… I haven’t the words to adequately express the depth of my love for you… But my heart is yours completely and I am consumed by a fire that you set aflame… You resurrected me from a death that had overtaken me, and now I burn in your eternal embers, always in a delicious agony and yet never fully consumed… For years you loved me simply but with a profound love that even I do not understand… and now again, you love me with a depth that I see so clearly in your eyes that they haunt me day and night… But which you fight against and struggle to suppress in your own heart even though you have admired that you cannot… While I embrace it, and am entombed by the knowledge that you love me as much as I love you, but that you will not allow yourself so great a joy as to truly love yourself… by allowing me to love you as completely even as you would yourself like… I love you, you beautiful sweet confusing complex little bitch! WtF
Sometimes the depth of my love, is only exceeded by the depth of my sorrow.
Dear Sweet Peaches. When I pull you close I can smell the fragrance of your hair and my senses heighten. I feel the my hands spread wider across your back, without decision, in the same way my lungs draw in fresh morning air. I feel your breasts press and compress against me as they spread against my chest and I wonder if you might linger in my arms… I imagine my hands moving down to the bottom of your back and beneath your clothing where they feel the softness of your skin and I move them up again beneath your blouse. I feel my whiskers brush against your cheek as I take in another shallow breath to smell your gentle aroma without alerting you to the fact, and then I nuzzle against your face and I take in an even deeper breath as my hands drink in the texture of your full back as I draw my face back enough to give myself a chance to taste your lips and you meet me gently there and as we kiss. I feel the softness there as your lips allow a gentle touching of our tongues as they touch and test the willingness of your mouth. I feel your breasts against the insides of arms as we embrace and I linger in your kisses not just for the warmth of your mouth but to hear the passion of those wet kisses, to indulge in the your full Breasts against my skin as I move my hands from your back to your sides and then intimately to your beautifully textured nipples hoping my kisses move from your mouth and tongue to the top of your throat and downward to your smooth titties. My hands move once again to you back to force your nipples deeper in my mouth. I wonder about the textures of you body, the fine hair on your soft tummy as it turns more course the lower I go. I love you and I want to taste not just you skin but your desire. I love you, I love you, I love you my Sweet Ms Anneliese
Sweet Peaches
I wrote a story for you called The Stone that is posted here someplace. You said it made you sound cold. Now that things have changed between, this is your new story.
He dipped the wand into a bottle and raised it to his lips. As he blew gently, a bubble grew from the plastic circle and floated quietly into the evening. Once again he blew into the air giving the bubble a gently nudge pushing it along its way.
The bubble shimmered and flexed floating through time, across an ancient frozen lake, towards a red and purple setting sun, and ultimately into the warmth of a magical clearing.
There a small and beautiful fairy with long blond hair and translucent wings veined in fine lines of gold approached the bubble. Flying carefully she circled the bubble seeing her reflection from every angle in its surface. She glowed softly, and after considering it for a moment, she reached out with her small tender hand, and she touched it.
The bubble turned bright green. Another touch, and it was a brilliant gold. Another and it was an inky blue. The fairy touched the bubble again and again and as she did the hues became more luminous and the bubble shined more brightly.
The fairy keep pace easily flying as the bubble did everything it could to stay aloft, but it was the fairy that keep pace as the bubble drifter along on the breeze.
Touch after touch filled the bubble with a shimmering mist. She transformed it again and again, until finally it ruptured with a sudden flash of light, into a firey ball that glowed in the evening sky, warming the beautiful fairy.
Once again she reached out with beautiful hands the color of summer’s wheat, touching the fires and the flames encased her in glowing cloak of blue hues warming her, protecting her from harm.
So here’s what happened for me after dinner. After jumping your car, I had actually driven all the way home and when I didn’t hear from you I wondered if everything was okay. And so I went back just to make sure. When I got there I saw your car was still there and so I thought if she saw me now it would be so weird so I decided to leave again and I did, I drove away. I got to McDonald’s and said to myself this is stupid she likes you and so I turned around again and when back.
Then as I sat there I over thought it all again, and I thought fuck that she said she was going to go in and that she would call me in a few minutes when she came back out and so that’s what she would do and so I waited. So I sat there and waited and then a time came when I thought, well she must not be coming out now and then I felt kind of stupid. Not because of you but because of me. I felt like a troll sitting there waiting for someone unsuspecting.
I sat there I just tore myself apart. Altogether with the drive home and back it’d been half an hour. And I told myself she went back in to hang out without you. I was at war with myself wondering if I should stay or if I should go. And I just beat myself up. I said to myself: what the fuck are you doing sitting here waiting for her if she wanted to be with you right now she would be with you right now. And then: What the fuck you doing stealing her time from her, she doesn’t need you and she could fill her live with 1000 other men just like you if you weren’t always feeling her time up with you.
I said to myself, you need to leave her alone, you don’t need to be fucking up her life, if she likes you or not she doesn’t need you. And I told myself she’s in there having fun and the last thing she need to see you out here when she comes out is you and if she needed someone else to help jump her car she could find a dozen people to help her. The truth is that for me it was a pretty thin excuse just to see you one more time anyway.
I told myself that if she isn’t calling and she stayed whatever she’s doing it’s none of your business and it was nice of her to spend an hour with you at all. Then I felt like I had stolen that time from you and that I have been selfish. I didn’t know what to think I felt a little bit like a charity case because you didn’t need to give me any of time at all when you actually do wanted to be in doing something else. And I resolved just to leave you alone rather than to continue to tie up your time and your attention.
Then I thought to myself enough time to pass that if she comes out now and she sees you just sitting here you’re going to look like a stocker instead of like someone who just came back to make sure she was okay. So I backed up and pulled away and as I did I told myself again, what the hell is wrong with you she’s your friend and she’d like to see you soon. As I pulled away I could see someone walking out in the shadows but I didn’t know it was you I could just see that it was someone. So I decided to pull around and stop again and reconsider whether or not to go sit and wait again Then when I saw the lights come on in your car I realize that it was you, and then I felt stupid. I know I was within 20 feet of you and didn’t recognize you in the darker but you clearly would’ve seen me and I must have looked so fucking stupid.
I knew it could only look like one thing and that was that I was there stocking you somehow and immediately I felt stupid again thinking to myself what are you doing in this woman’s life. I was so happy when you called and chatted me up a little bit. Like always you made me feel like everything was okay.
So… That’s what led me to ask you last night if you ever miss me. You’re kind enough and grown-up enough just to hang out with somebody like me and to be wonderful with them and it’s the sort of thing that somebody like me so I could so easily misunderstand. And that’s something I wrestle with all of the time trying to understand does she feel the same way that I do or am I just misunderstanding everything because she is so kind and so beautiful and because I am so stupid. I’m so last night when I ask you if you ever miss me and you replied ” I miss you all the time you big baby”. Man that made me happy.
I love you Sweet Peaches.
That’s what you said the last time you mention one of my letters. You said “you and those fucking letters.” But that was my fault because I sent them to your work.
I understand how that might Be the response, even so, I bet there are women who would love to receive even a single love letter from anyone. I have to admit that it didn’t sting a little to hear that.
I’ve mentioned before why I write them to you. But I’ve usually avoided the most common reason that I write them to you. I wrote those letters to you so that you would respond to me, and so I could understand how you felt about the things that I wrote to you about. But you never responded to any of my letters, not even once.
I would think most people would stop writing you after what would seem to be a rebuke. If didn’t know that you love my letters it would’ve hurt me quite deeply. But even though you have never responded to even one of my letters, you have told me that you love them.
Many years ago I hoped that by writing you that you would respond to me and then I would understand how you felt about things. Over the years there have been many times I’ve written you and then felt like a fool or an idiot for putting my heart out there and then for you to not respond to them. It’s actually quite rude of you not to respond in someway. But I’ve grown accustomed to that not in just my letters but in other things as well.
I know that other men have called you selfish because of that sort of thing. Not specifically letters but what seems like a lack of caring or a lack of compassion towards someone else. I’ve never understood how you can hear some things that are certainly tender to someone’s heart and not feel some sort of need to respond either affirmatively or negatively. It’s actually hurt our relationship quite a bit. And I guess maybe it hasn’t hurt our relationship because it would have to her two of us for that to be the case but it has certainly hurt me at times.
I’ve come to understand that it’s because you’re broken in the very specific and beautiful way. I’m love glad you love me and have allowed me to be close enough to understand you, because you’re worth it. Even as difficult as it sometimes is to feel rejected even though I understand but that that’s not necessarily what it is.
But knowing that only makes it marginally less painful to feel the rejection or what seems like rejection. And it doesn’t help at all in understanding our relationship. In fact it hurts our relationship and some regards. Because through the years and our relationship I said many, many things that you didn’t rebuff or reject or counter and so I carried on thinking that I understood some things.
It’s also heard a relationship in another way. In that I can’t rely on the past and what has happened in our relationship and I am forever questioning what the reality between you and me is.
Many times I’m my own worst critic and I castigate myself over things only to find out later that I misunderstood them terribly and that you care for me more than I have allowed myself to believe.
And there have been many things that you spoke of or we spoke of that I try to clarify yet they remain a mystery to me and color my impressions of our relationship. In fact many years ago you used to say things about yourself that are different from the reality and it’s hard to understand trying to piece together the realities picking from the fragments of conversation we have had in the more recent past I have been using that seem to nullify things I thought I’d understood in the past.
I hope you realize how difficult it is for me to simply stand by and wait, when it is so much different from the way I would behave, when we could simply have a kind conversation that would clarify so many things but in stead leaving me wondering what it is you want. Maybe the last thing you want is any sort of clarity because it things are to clear our relationship might suffer or end.
Actually I think that’s what you might fear, I don’t fear that at all, because I’m different from what you’ve experienced in the past. You’ve known some shallow self-centered nihilistic man who don’t understand the first thing about love outside of themselves.
I fear that you will always treat me as if I am the same as every other man. And so to protect yourself you treat me the way you wish you had treated those men from your past by keeping me in the position where I can’t get close enough to hurt you. And that’s where I will always remain, somewhere at arm’s length where I cannot hurt you. But the other side of the same coin is that from that distance will never truly feel love.
I see that you hurt yourself with this sort of thing all the time. When things might become emotional risky or difficult you change the subject or cut things off or run away because you’re afraid of the pain that might come if there’s rejection and so you simply end the emotional risk before even taking a risk which could actually with an emotionally reward.
That’s exactly what you do to me and it’s the most painful thing that you do to me. You said to me a couple of times in the past that sometimes you have to face the reality of us. That implies that because there’s a difference in our ages or in our lives, that it’s better for us not to love each other, and that it’s better not to take emotional risks with each other. But that’s just bullshit! That doesn’t admit the reality, it rejects the reality. Because the reality is that we both love each other very much and I don’t see why you turn your head to that.
You spend so much time playing defense and keeping me at a distance 
that you reject the most honest moments that have ever been between us. There’s nothing you want more than the very thing you deny yourself. And while that might be safe for you it’s very, very painful for me. And I know it might be equally painful for you. But at least YOU understand it and can deal with it honestly. Are you on the other hand am left completely in the dark wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. And not what’s wrong with me as in Am I psychopath, but what’s wrong with me as in, why am I not good enough for your affection.
There’s a saying that I like the goes like this: three things cannot long vehicle, the sun, the moon, and the truth. The truth is we love each other and one day that will be obvious even to you. I love you very much Catnip.
I’m all fucked up I know. But then so are you, so are we, us, you and me. Which leads me to this –
Do you ever miss me?
If you do you hardly ever say so.
Sometimes you leave me wondering if you’re perfectly content when I’m not with you or when we’re not speaking. I don’t mean that to feel like a slight of some sort. It’s just that sometimes I wonder what’s the point in me adoring you if you’re not interested in me in the same way I’m interested in you. If you don’t need me or think of me as I do you.
Even so at the same time I believe that you do miss me. But for some reason you just don’t feel the need to let me know how you feel. Their such a disparity between the way we treat each other. And much of that is because of the difference in how we express how we feel. I miss you constantly and so I tell you I love you and I miss you constantly. At least that’s how it is for me.
You seldom tell me that you miss me or that you love me at least that’s how it feels to me. So the way I interpret that is expressed in the way I behave towards you. I miss you and I love you and so I say I miss you and I love you. You don’t say I miss you or that I love you and so what does that mean? To me it leaves me wondering does she miss me or does she still love me?
And I don’t question whether not you love me I just question whether not you care to be near me or to connect with me somehow. You love me but do you need me? Because it feels like you are just as content to simply know that I love you and move on in your life. At least that’s what it feels like sometimes.
but then I think about the times where you have thank me for loving you even though it’s difficult for you to express the same to me, even though you do feel the same. And you’ve told me that you express yourself more to me than you ever have to anyone. And I take those works hard and I believe them. And I don’t only believe them but I cling to them and hope and believe that their true.
please don’t hate me for saying this, but in all of your relationships all of the men who love you and up wondering if you love them back. I’m lucky because I know that you love me. But there have been many times I’ve been on the verge of giving up ready to walk away thinking that you didn’t care for me and then just in the nick of time he will tell me something extraordinary like I have never loved another man like I love you!!!
I’m sorry that it feels so much like work for you to simply be able to say I love you very much and I miss you. But I know that somehow you see that as what you call “maintenance.” I’m grateful that you take the time every now and then to maintenance on me 😃 sometimes just in the nick of time before I give up on you and I.
In reality I’ve given up several times and told myself I’m moving on and that your gone. Then you call and talk and you love me just as much and it clear that you love me! It’s clear that nothing’s changed for you as far as how you feel about me… It blows my mind and I’m happy.
Let me take you to my bedroom for a month. I want to love and adore you as you have never been loved before, never in such perfect peace with pleasure so complete and with such single-minded concentration.
I want you unwrapped, unpeeled, opened and hurled through love-making! I want you to feel every limb and bone bent and stretched. I want you to feel the delight of every part of your body being so easily accepted and worshipped.
Every line and every curve traced and complimented and complemented in a genetically engineered and lasting ritual where you are worshiped until there is no longer you, but the two of us becoming one being. We will live on delivery pizza and Thai food delivered by a little kid on a motor scooter. We will play in pillow talk laughing and caressing until the days and nights, and you and I dissolve into each other until we are joined and we become a single nectar.
Until you tire of moving from the bed to the shower and back again and from being wrapped and unwrapped in silk and linens again and again until your nipples are chaffed and tender to the softest breeze and we have to stop and sleep for days.
Making love will feel like a warm bath drawn by your lover at the close of day and my touch will feel as gentle and welcome as the morning sun. Then we return to our everyday lives we will mourn for even a single moment as perfect as the life we lived in those glorious days when there was nothing but each other. You and I will have lived and life will be worth living knowing we are truly each others.
You lashed out at me because I will take it…
You know I love you so you shit on me because of your anger and your pride… Rather than embrace the truth which was just to hard for you… There’s no one you love more than me but you are still willing to hurt me rather than be honest about how you feel…
you hurt me profoundly…
if you don’t care enough to be honest about us, or if you can’t, I’m not going to force myself on you…
You’ve say you’re not working on me right now… so I’ve waited… But if my job is to be your punching bag or to just take it in the ass because your having a hard day -forever- I’m not going to do that… It doesn’t change that I love you more than any other woman I’ve ever know… Or that I will help you if you ever need it… I’m just not going to say here and let you hurt me because you need to hurt someone and I’m handy …
After I took you back to work I didn’t call because I was too hurt to talk … I felt like shit because I just didn’t have the strength to take one more emotional beating… I was scared because I knew if things remained the same, I wouldn’t call you again… I didn’t think, and decide not to call you… I just knew I couldn’t bear to pretend I was really a nobody that deserved that… I love you too much to ever walk away… But today had you not called me back, it could have taken a long time to build the strength to face you once again… And while I need you and will always want you back, today you treated me like I meant nothing to you… And it hurt…
and then you fucking call me and we go to dinner and you amazing… I fall in love all over again and you treat me with as much love as you ever have… Your charming and caring and at peace with the fact that I’m in love with you… You allow me to express my love for you and you share your love for me as well… You are the most complex Nd amazing woman I’ve ever known… Thank you for loving me… Thank you for calling me…thank you dinner… Thank you…
Primal Night's 
