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we all get in those state of minds where it feels like we are completely alone, like we are and have been walking throughout this life on our own and it’s just now smacking us in the face. as if all of a sudden we have every negative thought thrown into our minds, every empty hopeless feeling in the pit of our stomachs, and every tear falling from our eyes. but what we don’t realize 95 percent of the time when we’re in these places, is that it hasn’t always been this way. thing’s haven’t always been bad, we don’t always lose ourselves, we’re not always alone, and there is always an ear willing to listen and arms wide open and ready to embrace you as you are. that includes your pain and thousands upon thousands of wondering questions you have dropped into your head.

the truth is that there is always someone who wants to be there for you. someone who loves you unconditionally. someone who wants to listen to everything you want to let come spilling out of your mouth like a waterfall. the reality is though, that we think that those people are lying, fake, will leave at some point and time, to good to be true, or not the people we want to be there for us.

as humans we have a tendency to see thing’s the way we want to see them; whether good or bad. to me, this makes me sad because it doesn’t allow us to live our lives to the fullest or to be truly happy. it’s like being partly blind, you see an outline of something but you can never really look and see the details of it. you aren’t able to see the beauty and the happiness that this would bring you if you’d only take a chance and do thing’s differently this time. but your walls from the past are standing in the way and you have to make a choice. so what do you do? we are all faced with this question at some time in our lives; some more than others.

all I have to say from my experience is this: TAKE A CHANCE AND JUMP!

what do you have to lose honestly? I mean there are a few choices here: 1) you will get hurt, but wouldn’t you get hurt even if you didn’t take the chance? it would just be the same kind of hurt that you have felt from years before and you won’t learn anything new and that’s what life experiences are about, learning and growing. 2) you will be amazed at how different and how much things can and will change. in this you will learn and grow as a person by not only the new people you now are able to let into your life, but also by the strength you have gathered and the new paths that are now open to you. or 3) you will get hurt and thing’s won’t go the way you thought that they might, but bc and through these actions and reactions, you are a stronger, better, more open, and loving person. all in all it’s worth it..

you know how deeply you can love because of how deeply you have lost and felt pain. but only through your choices will you be able to love unconditionally and deeper than the depths of the sea.

July 9, 2010

Once again i can’t get you out of my mind. Though i saw you tonight i can’t seem to get enough of you. You are better than a personal drug addiction or any taste of liquor that has flowed across my tongue.

What is it that you do, not only to me but for me? How was i so lucky and blessed to experience this and for it to be with you? Wow…what to do?

This question i am asked moment by moment by the subconscience of my heart. Though i vowed to never fall in love so carelessly again, you have shown me who i really am. I told myself that this soul, heart, mind, and body would never wait on anyone again…but here i am…waiting.

I still want you.

I thought that i needed you, but i know now that this love is much more than that. This love is overflowing and the streets like the rain that fell from the sky this very day.

What we have is and will always be real. I shall never think of it in the past tense because it is constant and living with breath. I long to be that girl that always givs you that feeling. I want more then anything to be the forever one and of today and everyday on.

But if for some reason life decides to do as it usually does and takes this one that i love i will know that for me…it is and always will be real.

As i lay here i long for your touch, none other will do but you.

Believe me dear, i have tired and failed.

Some say this is unhealthy, dangerous, and going to hurt.

I say…yes, i know but what is a life that doesn’t long and fight? Hope and dream?

It is but a half lived life.

That life, i’ve had a piece of that pie.

It was bitter, old, stale, and unfullfilling

But you darlin…oh wow.

You are my muse.

Since you i am able to feel

Since you i am able to love

Since you i am truly able to be me.

Since you i am able to write

Through you i have experienced true and real love. This love wants only for the other half to be happy and complete. This love wants you to fly so very high. This love is madly in love with the Fucked up, crazy, passionate, beautiful, wonderful, imperfect person that you are. This love sees all of the screw up’s and mistakes that you have and continue to make and still love you though those. This love falls more in love with you though knowing and working through those things. This love will always have wide open arms welcoming you to this home in my heart. This is love and words do it no justice whatsoever, but i hope that through actions you are able to catch a glimps pf this beautiful love that i have for you.

it is more beautiful then any picture taken, and painting painted, or sunset seen. The reason being…?

This is real and true

and this love i have

for you will last

until the universe is untrue.

i love you.

I leave people bc I think it will be easier in the long run.

(99.9% of the time i always regret leaving them, but by then it’s to late to say anything)

I believe in God, but always wonder if He cares as much as everyone says or as He says.

people say actions speak louder than words….and His actions are proving other wise.

i will not go to church this week bc i don’t want Him to care anymore. it hurts to much.

sitting at the beach house thinking…

the waves really never stop.

love is really real.

my camera is amazing.

Hillary is my sister.

Dave Matthews is what makes my soul fly to the sky.

i am in the mood to write.

i will write while i’m here at least 3 times, this time not counting.

we have more then enough food.

when i love…i love deep and it never goes away.

i have loved someone, and it was real.

i miss my best friends Trey, Blake and Josh.

i just farted.

haha there will be more to come…

you can’t live without them, in fact you wouldn’t be here without them, but good greef sometimes i don’t think it’s possible to live with them.

we all love our parents and for the most part get along with them, but it’s nights like these that i’m ready to just move out and be done with the rules. i’m ready for my rules.

i think about this and the idea of moving out sounds so amazing, but then i have 

nights like Monday night.  nights where i lay outside under the stars on top of my car listening to music and cry at the thought of getting older and not being a little kid. 

i would love to live at home as long as possible, but i would love for my parents to realize that i am old enough now to make my own choices. i’m old enough now to know what time i need to be home that way i’m not dead tired or if i do decided to stay out late and wake up early the next morning, that’s my choice and i have to deal with the outcome of that choice.

i know our parents love us dearly and are just trying to help us not become screw up’s, but there’s a time where parents can do no more and it become their time to sit back and hope that they’ve done enough.

i am at that age now.

today was the first day in a long time that i hung out with my family all day. it was so awesome and i missed it. i love my family so much!

i woke up around 11:45 and felt as if something was wrong with my mom. something was bothering her but i had (and still have) no idea what it was. but as the day went on, mom and i both cleaned the house while my two little brothers played and finished up their homeschool homework. after everything was done around 2:45 we started for Frontier City. by this time things seemed a little better but something was still bothering her and she wouldn’t tell me. we arrived at Frontier City probably around 3:30 and stayed until 6. we then went to meet up with my dad at Macaroni Grill and eat dinner. after dinner we ended up going to the mall to buy some sunglasses for my dad. we spent about an hour in the sunglasses store picking out goofy looking sunglasses and having all of us try them on. finally we cracked down and bought some serious sunglasses for my dad. after the sunglass hut store we went to look for shoes. we probably spent about another hour in the shoe store, but ended up buying my dad some new shoes, mom and Meiki some new flip flops, and me some sandals for when i go to Africa.

though this may not sound like a very fun or eventful day, it was exactly what i needed. it was somewhat planned but at the same time not planned at all. i loved it! everyone ended up having a blast and i’m so glad that God has blessed me with such a wonderful mother, father and little brothers.

Lord you know what my heart feels at all times. you know what it longs for, who it longs for, what it breaks for, and who it breaks for. why must i love so deeply that it makes no sense.

i will always love him and he will always have a place in my heart always and forever. but does this mean that i shouldn’t stop waiting for him to realize that i will always love him? should i move on or at least try? this is one of those things that is much easier said then done.

i don’t have very many memories with this person but the few that i do have a charish and will always. he may never know or realize this and apart of me is okay with that but most of me is not. i want to hold him in my arms and tell him everything is going to be alright when things look like they’re not. i want to look him in the eyes and tell him i love him and he know just how deep that love truly is. i want to look into his eyes and know that he’s the one i will always be with. but will this ever come?

Lord i know that you say to have patients, but sometimes i just want to give up. sometimes i’m not sure what the heck you want me to do with these feelings. i want to say you’ve given them to me to teach me how to wait and be okay with waiting but then again i don’t. 

if he is not the one for me will i love the one you have in store for me just as much or more? if i were to love someone more then this, i cannot even begin to imagine how that would feel. and if you do have someone different for me i can’t imagine how amazing and wonderful they must be, because to me he is everything i could ever want, will ever want and the only person i’ll ever love this much.

but you know what Lord, i’m going to trust in you. i’m going to need your help though, giving everything to you, but i know with your help i can do anything. i give him and my love for him all to you. may your will be done.

i haven’t blogged in a long time and i honestly think it’s just because i’ve been so lazy. so i have decided that i want to write tonight.

i’ve been thinking about this summer and how much i have planned, it’s truly crazy.

June 19-21: going to the lake with the family

June 25: court for my ticket

June 26-July 3rd: going to the beach in Texas with the family and Hill

July 4th: 4th of July hanging out with the family and friends and blowing stuff up

July 6th: dad’s 48th birthday and Pay At The Pump/Chariot show in Tulsa

July 9th-August 1st: Sierra Leone, Africa with my best friend.

i know there’s people out there with a lot more to do, but it’s just weird for me to have all this to do. i’m so use to having the summer to just be free and go with the wind. not planning anything, just going with the flow but having a blast at the same time.

this summer will be very different, like every summer tends to be. it’s already shown to be very hard in some places and trying in others. my heart feels as if it’s being ripped in a thousand different directions. my faith is being tried left and right and i’m trying to hold onto God with all i have.

summer is a time in the seasons where, if you’re single, you realize the most that you’re single. it’s a lot harder to deal with and not just settle for whatever walks in your direction. it is said, good thing’s come to those who wait. but it never says how long we must wait. are we to wait our life away or after a certain time are we to move on even though our hearts may not. is our hearts always going to be stuck in what could be, should be, could’ve been, should’ve been.

is this the heart of a dreamer that i have or a heart just like everyone else’s? if it is a heart of a dreamer, i should have no heart because it was taken and crushed once you left me. but if it is really a heart that everyone has, how do they deal with a love this deep? how do they just move on? how do they look at the person and their heart not break and tears not come to their eyes when they think of that person not ever being in their life again?

God has given me a heart of deep love, but my question is why can i not let go of that love? how long must i wait for a Him to take it away. how long am i going to have to wait for him?