Hello there. I just got back from a creative convention in Manila and right now I’m still experiencing that particular “high” you get when you’re surrounded by fellow creatives.
So it was my first time to attend Graphika Manila (celebrating its twentieth anniversary too) and for two days I was able to upgrade my head with updates coming from familiar and new talents. Has it been that long since my last dive into something like this?
The field has become totally new, and there are things that I believe should be let go of (not necessarily to be forgotten, in fact they’re to be acknowledged that such things had existed — once, for a fraction of my life).
At this point I think it’s just clear — I’m starting all over again.
Ahj and I went to Baguio last week for our much delayed wedding anniversary trip. We usually travel during December but given the expected rush and flow of tourists at that time (plus to avoid the surge of crowds), we opted to take the first week of February. Yes, it’s Panagbenga season, but we were able to visit Baguio during the pre-festival week so it was all good.
This was actually my third time touring the city. The first one was when I was in grade school, the next one was a company sponsored retreat (I didn’t go beyond Mirador much that time, save for the market visit for the usual pasalubongrun). So this third trip was immensely personal since I was able to travel with my wife (who enjoyed Baguio for the first time by the way).
I wasn’t really that surprised anymore by the changes (my last visit was in 2019), and I got to once again enjoy the food (I had some restaurants listed, only one of which we failed to visit). Of course we went to the recommended art spaces like Mt. Cloud Bookshop, Ili Likha and BenCab Museum. I was also able to show Ahj the Jesuits’ retreat house in Mirador (the place has been recently renovated, with a good slice of non-retreat spaces allocated for tourists). As an added bonus, we found a hobby shop — Honor’s Ground, where I purchased a key piece for my latest Commander deck project. Yey!
What I love about Baguio is that its art sensibilities are deeply rooted in the region’s identity. As someone who’s looking in from the outside, I’m deeply impressed by how much their artists are in touch with culture, and how much they integrate it in their materials and outputs — from published books to music to artworks. There is much to learn from the place, and I just wish that we had stayed longer to speak with some of the local writers/artists, to find some ideas on expanding and revisiting aspects of creativity.
I was deeply astounded when we first visited the art hub / space, Ili Likha. While we were sipping our coffee, Ahj and I excitedly discussed and compared the local aesthetics, while mulling over several possibilities which we could apply when we return home.
Anyhoo — as a closing note — I got myself some ‘art recharge’ plus a new goal in life: to get a free cup of coffee at Mt. Cloud Bookshop.
It’s been two weeks since my injury happened and so far, despite my toe feeling a little better, I still can’t wear shoes. I mean, I tried this morning — feeling a little confident — but as soon as I wore my socks a simple pang gave out an early warning. I tried to ignore it at first, and when I slid my foot into my shoe, there was this immense, kinda surprising discomfort which reminded me of the pain I felt during day one. So I gave up and wore sandals to work, again (now on my third week). I took some prescribed painkiller as precaution, and now I’m feeling a wee bit high.
Anyhoo, one thing leads to another: as what I’ve mentioned in my previous post, there was something quite alarming with my blood pressure, so I had it checked with our university doctor last week, and I took a blood chem test and ECG. Thankfully the results were negative, and my BP went down after a week, but I’m still being monitored given our lineage of family members having hypertension and diabetes. For now I’m taking some maintenance meds, leading me to move forward some serious considerations on my food intake.
The next few weeks will be quite difficult, as my wife and I are slowly transitioning towards a healthier lifestyle, and that means more greens (less meat; less alcohol). Of course we have to careful not to crash, so we’re taking some tips from friends and I’m trying out some recipes which might help. We have our “dietary cheat weekends” but I doubt that we’ll get to do it very often, given the health scare.
Somehow the injury gave me this wake up call, to be a little better when it comes to self-care.
By the middle of the month I was met by an annoying injury.
Yesterday I hit my toe as I climbed the tricycle (my wife and I were going to reserve some rooms via a local payment center for our much anticipated Baguio trip in February). At first I thought that it was the usual pinky toe “pang” (the one you feel when you accidentally hit your toe against a wooden leg of a table or chair), but when I tried to curl it I felt this immense searing pain. I thought it was temporary, hoping that it would soon go away, but it kept lingering to the point that I couldn’t walk properly anymore. After our late lunch, when I looked down, I noticed that my left pinky toe was slightly swelling and a bit reddish compared to my other toe.
“Yeah, I need to go to the hospital,” I told my wife.
So off to the hospital where we waited and got processed. Twice I got my BP checked and twice it showed 160/90 — which was way up (I could attribute it to the pain or the stress and we were all sure as hell that it wasn’t normal anymore). The doc mandated to get some x-ray of my foot and so I was wheelchaired to the imaging center. To suppress further anxiety as I imagined possible worst case scenarios (coz I heavily assumed that I had a fracture) I kidded around with the staff. When the results came in I felt a wee bit relieved that my left toe bone was still there: intact and perfectly normal. The doctor concluded that I had a ripped soft tissue, and it will hurt like a bitch starting on the fourth or fifth day.
So I got some pain meds to take for around a week, and I’ll be doing some “hurt management” — just simple ones which require some particular resting stances to get the blood flow properly going. At least I’m happy that I got it checked, deflecting any further assumptions of the worst kind.
The high BP though, I need to get it checked soon ‘coz we all felt that it was freaky. After clearing this out (when my pinky toe is fully healed) I’ll go check with our university doctor for possible recommendations. For now, I gotta manage my diet and stress carefully.
NagaZine, a local zine and art expo, started some time in 2019. It has its foundations in BLTX (with most of the organizers having been a part of BLTX Naga), and the movement has just naturally progressed towards focusing on a more local vibe, marked by the changing of name and the setting of new practices: as much as possible, leadership and planning should be passed to the next batch of young creators. This is to maintain sustainability as well as empowerment, especially for the new generation.
We were supposed to have NagaZine in early 2020 but the pandemic happened, and so the next one was held in December 2021, revived by a partnership of two parties (at this time I was on hiatus, so I didn’t get to participate [I went there as a casual audience]). A follow-up was expected in 2022 but there were some critical factors (weather, critical local event) which resulted to its postponement — it was moved to January 2023:
Last Saturday was a lotta fun. I was able to participate again via the revived student organization I am currently moderating (I’ll fill you in about this someday). Sadly I didn’t sell anything coz I couldn’t finish my new material during the break. Most of the planning and actions were carried out by the kids in the organization, and my participation was more on support and set-up. Our team was given the registration role but I also helped another team in the physical reconfiguration of the venue (coz currently I find happiness in literally carrying heavy stuff). So I got to haul tables and chairs to prep for the main event.
It was great to see familiar and new faces in venue. It was even satisfying to see more kids getting curious about art and literary matters. The host area we had chosen — Kape-Kapehan — is a hang out place of students from various schools, so the foot traffic was good, and we were able to open the scene further to a wider audience. Hopefully the event will inspire some of them to start their own group and, someday, join the event (or organize their own).
All-in-all NagaZine 2023 was a success. The flow of people peaked some time around 4PM to 6PM, and a lotta stuff were sold (on our end: our zines from ALA were sold out). But what’s more critical about this is that event has, in a way, piqued some interest among the youth. I would go around the tables to check the flow and traffic, and sometimes ask the sellers if they needed anything. While I was on duty I saw people from the tables conversing with the audience, talking about the trinkets and zines on sale, sharing concepts, passing business cards along the way. It was amazing to witness artists getting positively giddy over their first sale, and getting some contagious encouragement from their friends who went there to support the participants. Thank god there were no weather disasters this time (most of the previous events were plagued by heavy rains). We finally wrapped up at around 9PM, with the participating organizations all happy and satisfied.
Here’s the thing: I was supposed to make some new materials for this January’s NagaZine during the break but I got caught up with a lot of shenanigans that I neglected my goal.
It sucks, I know, but I can’t just release my stuff out there half-assed and drafty, so I thought about Plan B: just republish some old works. At first it felt easy, a little too convenient in fact, but as soon as I had printed the master hardcopy for reproduction something stopped me from proceeding further.
I reviewed the content. I’m still proud of them actually, given that I had also worked hard to complete the project. However, the zine itself was around 7 years old already, written by a very different me. It felt unfair, not just for the participants who are currently doing their best to produce new works, but also for me — I had to let go.
So I decided to just stop the production. If I’m going to participate I have to do it right. As a personal promise I will churn out new work on the next event, but I have to start producing as soon as now. I already have a couple of drafts on my desk, but they need some fine tuning (and more insight). I may not finish the project this time, but I’ll make sure to finalize the matter by the next expo (probably in June).
My wife suggested an alternative to setting goals for 2023. I can’t recall her source but it was something like choosing a theme for this year. There were some options on the list provided — and I thought there was one which somehow resonated with my target. Initially it was supposed to be “Learning” but knowing me I upped the ante by reconfiguring it into “Unlearning” which, in the process, opens the way to new learnings. It may be confusing but it’s just all about this: I wish to recognize the learnings which had once shaped my perspectives, but given the new climate and culture, I also need to update myself.
So I have to let go and revisit (and challenge) my previous views and prejudices, perhaps re-align them, or throw them away for good. Besides, the movement has already been sparked late last year when I took some classes for SEO + UI/UX, both of which are totally off my comfort zone. Earlier this January I enrolled in one class provided by Domestika on basic anatomy drawing (and yes, I’ve been illustrating since I was a kid but I wish to re-formalize this by finishing the course). I took advantage of the site’s awesome year-starter sale.
So I’ve been keeping myself busy these days, though with a bit of struggle especially when my attention span is involved. Given that our country is slowly recovering from the massive effects of the early seasons of the Covid19 Pandemic (which is still ongoing by the way — so continue to be vigilant, stay safe always), and still being in shock (or in mourning) over the results of the 2022 national elections, our journey for a better life has become steeper. Right now we’re really, really, really feeling the results: from the massive practices of crony capitalism, to the ongoing fall of the Philippine Peso.
And we are surviving, and we continue to hold on to hope no matter what — and we do this with patient progression, little contributions which we believe could snowball into something big. For now, learning to develop immediate support groups has become top priority. We find our fellows amidst nuances in belief and practice and hold on to each other.
So lately I’ve had this weird, meditative, engaging, crazy trip on what it is to be a fan these days — conveniently packaged in a span of two weeks. As previously stated a few entries ago, I went down the rabbit hole and found myself vibing towards a number of KPop groups.
This recent journey on fandom started during LOONA’s comeback on 28 June 2021 with PTT (short for “Paint the Town”). If you wanna check it out, here’s the video:
For those curious on why I like the group, it was way back in 2019 when I saw a tweet GIF by what seems to be a result of some random Twitter algorithm. In the post I saw this KPop girl group in a dance studio where they made a V-formation with solid pacing and synchronization. Now that was my pre-rabbit hole days (Blackpink was the only group I was listening to at that time) and so I just shrugged it off, diving back into my usual socmed durdling.
However, somehow the image kept playing at the back of my head, and soon I decided to return to it (‘coz I would usually watch some cool choreos once in a while to pass the time). When I tabbed back to Twitter I couldn’t find it anymore. I started asking around—from former students, to my KPop stan friends, to even members of our local MTG Community—about this girl group “who could pull off a perfectly cool V-formation” but all I got were other groups when I tried to search for the suggested names they had provided. So I just carried on, and it kinda bugged me knowing that there was no closure to my query.
Fast forward to the summer of 2020, while passing the time at home (during the days of stricter community quarantine due to the pandemic), as I was in the process of falling into the KPop rabbit hole, I stumbled upon one Youtube channel’s post on the history of LOONA. I just clicked on it, not knowing what to expect, and somewhere on the video I was pleasantly surprised to find out that it was the group I was looking for back in 2019! (And I also discovered that it was a dance cover of NCT 127’s Cherry Bomb)
The personal stanning wasn’t really an instant process, given that LOONA at that time already had a good number of songs out, so it was quite confusing where to start. Good thing I have a friend who’s also a fan, and she gladly provided me with a recommended listening order, first of which was to follow the singles in a particular flow. The tracks are pretty eclectic, but I felt at home with the ones which had groovy beats and synths (e.g. Yves’s “New” and Olivia Hye’s “Egoist” and Kim Lip’s “Eclipse”). Also: LOONA’s synchronized dancing (and smart stage positioning) is no joke. They’re really, really good in that department, and it’s one of their key strengths.
Phases of the Moon
What made LOONA further stand out for me was that Blockberry Creative (or BBC) — the company managing the group — introduced the members by showcasing one artist at a time, particularly every month with a respective solo track (they didn’t start as one complete lineup, which was a total contrast to the usual industry practice). Slowly the sub-units were formed (1/3, Odd Eye Circle, YYXY), and then finally they were gathered into one unit of 12 members. In short: just reiterating what this channel has stated, they pulled off an “Avengers introduction” which—for me at least—was one tough gamble. And, well, I have a thing for supporting small groups who take major risks. There’s a certain “hero’s journey” appeal to it.
What made things more interesting was that in the process of completing the members, a lore was slowly created, becoming the LOONAverse (which is a mix of sci-fi, anime, and Sailor Moon). Even until now they’re still deep into the concept. And despite having a lore, it doesn’t really hinder new people from getting into the fandom.
But like any other grand plan, the execution wasn’t really that smooth (especially when the company was a newbie in the industry way back in 2015-ish). I don’t think I can explain the issues in detail here but you might wanna check out some of the videos on YouTube (you can search for “LOONA history”) to see what I’m talking about—but to give a glimpse of several matters: funding complications, company politics, and tension between the Creative Director/Music Producer versus the company (with the former suddenly walking out and leaving behind the entire project). Add the fact that one member went on hiatus some time in 2019 for health and healing matters. But despite the challenges (and a lengthy absence), the group and the company pushed forward and managed to survive. In 2020, LOONA earned their first chart win in one of the countdown shows. It served as a critical manifestation of the group’s power and their fan’s total commitment.
For LOONA, there was a death and rebirth factor in the narrative, and the process of rebirth was made possible due to heavy fan engagement. If you wanna know the fandom name, it’s “Orbit.” Orbits themselves have this distinct set of characteristics which sets them apart from other fandoms — something which includes humor and mythmaking (more like meme making actually), and it can get a little crazy (in a fun way) sometimes. LOONA also has strong support from the LGBTQ+ and international communities (they’re actually more popular outside South Korea).
Reflections on Fandom
Now going back to 28 June 2021, LOONA has just made another comeback with a mini album titled “&” (pronounced as “And” and not, um… ampersand? Hehehe) with the carrier single PTT. What makes this comeback important is that they’re back to being “OT12” — meaning: they’re finally complete (and we’re quite happy that the member who went on hiatus has successfully healed and recovered).
For the uninitiated, for every comeback event there’s a promotional campaign period, and the community is always fully engaged in putting their favorite group on top of the charts during such period.
Now here’s the thing: this particular comeback is quite big (from a standpoint of a small company at least, since BBC is not part of the “Big Four” of the KPop industry). If we’re to observe their carrier single’s MV, there’s this monstrous surge of views on the site within a very, very short span. If you compare it with LOONA’s previous videos, PTT got 30+ million views in just one week, already surpassing the views from Star, Why Not?, and So What? (which they all took a longer amount of time to amass such numbers). The highest views is still 2019’s Butterfly—which is a very underrated, underappreciated track in the history of KPop. I’m serious here.
At first I wasn’t really aware of it, but more or less I found myself following the progress of their recent promotions on various social media platforms, with #LOONA_PTT or #STANLOONA as my guide references. I kept track of the YouTube views and was quite vocal on the comment sections of related videos. When there was an opportunity to join in the voting phase for a weekly event I did something which even until now surprises me — I decided to participate by downloading the app and spending all the necessary points for the votes. And in the process I got completely anxious when I saw how close the fight was with another rising KPop group. Holy shit, I was biting my nails for this already. It felt really, really surreal.
Just last week, 5 July 2021, hours before the announcement of the winner, I tried to distance myself from my social media accounts to steer clear from any possibility of becoming anxious the whole day (especially at work). The other group which was also vying for the top spot had major digital sales and the gap with LOONA was way too wide. I had to go zen mode, I kept telling myself that “well, yeah, whatever happens, we all did our best right?”
It was in the evening when I accidentally opened one of my social media accounts that I saw the final result. Here’s what happened: I was in line waiting for our take-out at Jollibee and so I took out my mobile phone to pass the time. It was just an automatic muscle memory that I opened my Instagram and boom, I saw one random post: LOONA won.
It felt somewhat euphoric. I remember letting out a big sigh and almost tearing up. I also had to stop myself from shouting “fuck yeah.” It was like finding satisfaction in witnessing the end of one long story arc — that they finally won as a complete unit, and all the promotions and fan efforts were all worth it. Holy shit, I was really deep into it now. Did I just become a full Orbit?
Quite crazy when I still think about it, but yeah, maybe I’ve gone full Orbit (add the fact that I’m saving up for either a physical album or an official lightstick). The feeling remains strange as I reflect on it. There’s something about fandom which I still find fascinating—and scary. There’s still so much to unpack and learn, especially when the pandemic is still looming, and we’re all stuck at home, with our social media accounts serving as our virtual windows because we can’t go out much. I’ve been a part of several fan communities (I’m a Magic: the Gathering Vorthos, a Trekkie, a Marvel fanboy, a Battlestar Galactica nerd, hell I even consider myself a Slipknot “Maggot”)—but the KPop realm feels unique in some way. With social media, there’s just so much participation, and at the same time a strong demand for consistent content. And the fan wars—hell don’t get me started—the battlefield can be quite gruesome sometimes (just this weekend I’ve witnessed some fandom feud on twitter, and a few months ago I almost got into a fight with someone from another KPop fandom). It’s all there, all packed in this complicated ball of love & crazy & noise & feelings.
Recently LOONA is undergoing promotional hiatus due to the members being quarantined (one of the BBC staff was found COVID19 positive). Though the members of LOONA all tested negative, they won’t engage in live activities for now, just to be safe. It’s a wee bit of a downer actually, given that the comeback promotions has been cut short (plus: in two weeks most entertainment activities will be halted due to an important national event in South Korea), but nevertheless, we’re all just online, being stans, doing the usual crazy interactions on social media while waiting for their next media appearance.
We’re still here—still stanning LOONA.
Quick Tips on Fandom and Mental Health
1.) You can be supportive in whatever way possible. The easiest is by sharing any free related media (MVs, articles, fan art). There’s a lot of opportunity on various platforms. All you need to do is find the proper hashtag on the search bar.
2.) There’s also official merchandise. You can save up for them. You might want to consult in fan message boards for easy acquisitions.
3.) As an alternative—write about them. Do fan art (or, um, fan fiction?). Edit fan videos. Upload dance covers. There’s a lotta love to spread.
4.) If your idol didn’t win in the weekly charts despite you voting and streaming their stuff, don’t beat yourself for feeling short. Everyone did their best. YOU did your best. What matters is that you continue to support your idols and the community. There’s always a next time. Fighting!
5.) For the sake of your mental health, especially when you’re prone to anxiety or rage, do not engage in fan wars. Step back, take a deep breath, chill out, enjoy other things. As I’ve observed: fan wars usually expire after around six to eight hours.
6.) Lastly, spread the love. The artist survives when the community thrives. Toxic fans tend to gatekeep, preventing new members from coming in. True fans help build the community, providing group growth and healthy interaction among members (and other fandoms!). Be true fans; be better fans.
That’s just about it. As a personal bonus, I wish to share my favorite track from their new mini album, enjoy:
Reading has been quite difficult for me since the pandemic started. Honestly, I don’t think I was able to finish any book last year. There was just too much mental dread and distraction going on, and it was hard for me to focus.
This year I tried my best to settle for “little victories.” It’s a way for me to beat languish (which has been quite the buzzword since the start of the year). During the first quarter I borrowed books from the library, hoping to at least respark my motivation, but eventually gave up after a few pages. Gah.
Last month I pulled a book by Sven Birkerts from our shelf at home (it’s a book that my wife found at BookSale ages ago; she still loves it and recommends the author once in a while). I checked a few chapters and liked a number of essays. I kept reading without skipping anything, but the struggle was still there, still real. Sometimes the phrases made sense. Sometimes I had to repeat certain parts to review my capability to comprehend basic lines. But I kept reading.
Just last night, at 9 o’clock, I was able to finish the book. Holy shit.
SENTIPENSANTE 
