The Before Story

July 26, 2006.  That was the day of my first blog entry.  That was roughly 2 weeks before my very first at home IUI.  Back when I thought making a baby would be as simple as a postive OPK stick and some frozen donor sperm.  FOUR years goes by fast…. and slow.

I don’t even know how to describe how it feels sitting here 4 years later.  I was filled with so much confidence at that time.  I was sure that it would all work out and that by the following summer, I would be a mother.  My worst nightmare was failure.  My worst nightmare came true many times over. Soon IVF was on the table and again, confidence builds.  The thought, “this IS going to work and I WILL be a mother” filled my head each morning as prepared the shots and administered them myself.  Then, once again, and again and again, I am hit with the reality that my success could be taken away much more quickly then it came and failure and sadness replaced the joy and happiness that had filled my heart moments before.  Oh .. then there was the surrogacy.  My sister… My angel… The best person I know and my best friend.  She volunteered her body and emotions for me… for my happiness.  Success was short-lived yet again and quickly replaced by failure.  Twice.  There was no way to continue placing my bad luck upon her and her family.  I wouldn’t do that to her.

So back to the original thought of International Adoption that filled my heart in February 2006.  I researched and researched some more.  I picked Kazakhstan and I found an agency that I love.  I work to get the paperwork gathered and BAM… the doors close temporarily.  I am pretty sure it is my bad luck that caused the hiccup for my fellow future Kaz Mama’s.  Sorry about that!  If only I would have had the money to start in November vs waiting til January…. I wouldn’t be here.. in limbo.  UGH… I know September was the the hopeful re-open date… but it doesn’t sound like that is going to happen.  Maybe another agency has heard different… If so feel free to share 🙂

I know the road to adoption is filled with lots of ups and downs (this being one of them).  I am used to the roller coaster to happiness.  And in all honesty, the temporary closure didn’t emotionally break me down.  It was frustrating more than anything and I feel like my bad luck brought it on.  I know that seems crazy but many times I think that.  My hope was to be in “the wait” over summer so it would go by quickly.  Well I am waiting.. just not in the way I thought I would be waiting.  I know that the wait is gonna be what it is gonna be no matter what.  None of this is in MY hands.  I do believe that God is the one in charge of this.  I do believe that God has always been there guiding me towards my child.  I do believe God knows best and will continue to give me the courage and the strength to make it through this wait and the journey ahead.  God is working to place me exactly where I have always been meant to be.  I may get frustrated at Him at times.. wondering why he didn’t speak to me louder so I didn’t spend money on treatments and surrogacy only to fail.  But then again.. He may have been screaming in my ear and I just wasn’t listening.

Four Years… I have learned a lot.  I have felt a lot.  I have met A LOT of amazing people.  I have made some AMAZING friends.  I have found courage in me that I didn’t know existed.  In small ways I have helped people.  In bigger ways I have helped myself become a better person.  For years some have you have followed along on this journey with me.  For that I am touched….. My official Blog-o-Versary is on July 26th.  But where are the rules that say I can’t start celebrating early??  Here is to 4 amazing years!!!!

I can’t believe that almost a month has gone by since I last blogged.  Nothing exciting really going on. A little of this and a little of that. On Monday the 28th I took the trailer and headed off to get a campsite for the 4th of July weekend.  I got there and the place was packed already!  My Godson came down (since the place was near his house) and he and I hung out Monday afternoon until Tuesday afternoon.  At that time, his mom dropped off Ava and Ryan to me and the three of us enjoyed some quality time together.  We swam a lot, we explored, we played animal rescuer and played ToyStory dominos.  We really had fun.  Thursday my friend Julie and her husband and two kids came up.  I was happy to have some adult company.  Thursday night my sister Debbie and her husband John came up (they had been in Vegas for their 10 year anniversary).  We stayed up late Thursday evening laughing and having a good time (sans kiddos… they were pooped and crashed after stories and smores).  Friday my friend Veronica and her husband and kids came up and again, another fun night was had 🙂 We headed home Sunday morning.  The campgrounds were out of control packed and I am not a huge fan of being in a place that many people crammed in….. we had already planned to leave Sunday and boy was I glad about that.. Did I mention I had not showered since Monday?  Seriously driving home all I could think about was getting to soak the layer of dirt off of me!!

Sunday evening (after the best shower of my life) I headed over to my sisters.  Julie, Veronica, Debbie (and families) and I had an impromptu 4th of July BBQ.  We went to Julie’s house (which is across the street from my sisters).  The men set off Fireworks and the ladies and kids enjoyed them.  The guys were all proud until 1/2 mile away someone started an illegal fireworks show that put their little show to shame.  Nonetheless ours was safe and the kids LOVED it.

Monday I went and saw E*clipse and got a pedicure.  Tuesday it was back to work .  Work was and continues to be busy.  I have a 1st birthday photoshoot tomorrow (Sat) and then I am supposed to go to a birthday party for my friend Steph’s twins tomorrow… not feeling like it but I will go.  I know I will have a good time.  Then Sunday it is work on editing pictures.  Next Saturday I have another 1 year old b-day party and then Sunday another photoshoot for a 3 week old.  So overall, I am staying busy.. which is good and bad.

On the adoption front.. nothing new.  I am waiting on a new Dr. Letter since my other one expired and then it is off to apostille.  I did get my first apostilled document back.  I had my accountant who lives in Indiana prepare a letter for me and well I had to have it appostilled in Indiana. So, I sent it off and it came back.  I took a picture of it for my scrapbook.  It made me so happy to see one thing done since lately I am just in a holding pattern…..  Happy Weekend Friends 🙂

Thanks for playing!  I was surprised there weren’t more questions. 

Christina… SOOO nice to meet you!  It is so great to hear that someone has stuck around to watch me all these years!  It really makes me feel great knowing that and thank you 🙂  Christina and Lora both asked about doing on-line dating.  Well back in 1999 I did do it and I met John.  I met a lot of people.  It was a great experience.  The times that John and I were broken up I always went back to M*tch and met some great guys.  Right now… well in all honesty, I was bored one morning and that was how I came across Single Dad.  I saw his picture and thought of him all day and talked to my friend B and my sister and they both said just join and send a note and see what happens.  So I did.  I didn’t find anyone else that interested me at the time because I admit.. I was focused on catching that fish.   I think I may try it again after summertime.  And this time be serious and respond to emails and such.  I only joined for that month but maybe again.  I do know that if you do it, you have to give it attention and time.  So that is why I am thinking September would be a good time…. 

Rebecca (hey girl!) asked if there were any people/agencies that gave me resistance for being single.  I did not get any negative feedback at all and I really thought I might.  I was very nervous about it too.  My agency never even batted an eye.  Nor did the two agencies I talked to.  Regarding people, I think people were actually more accepting of me saying I am adopting than when I would say I was TTC as a Single Mother.  I don’t know why but I got/get that often.  That “oh how wonderful of you”.  Even though it is not wonderful of me it is wonderful FOR me…. If that makes sense?

B…. Oh B how I adore your teasing and wacky ways!  I would prefer a big RED sombrero to take a picture in when in Texas in July 🙂  But since the only sombrero’s I have ever seen are straw and say Chevy’s on them…. I don’t know if they come in red.  So, I will be very happy with any sombrero.. so long as my girls are with me and there to take my picture in it 🙂 

I have another post I am working on so stay tuned …..

Today will be a sort of melting pot of the thoughts in my head.  There is a lot going on in there there days.   I mean there of course is the usual.  The “where in the hell is my 171H?” and the “I wonder if Kaz will open back up in August or September” and the always present “Damn this is a lot of money and I hope I can make it all come together!”. 

But I do think of other things ….  For example I have been REALLY trying to make an effort to be more social.  For the last 4 years I have sort of lived and breathed TTC.  It was cyles and stimming and waiting and crying and … well you get the idea.  So there really wasn’t anything left of me to give to friends.  I have been the kind of gal that loves to make plans and then the day of…. I think .. damn I hope they cancel.  Well I stopped that thinking a few months ago.  And even though I have flaker moments (like about the party on Sat night) I am trying to work past them.  So, I will NOT be calling in sick to this party.  I will go and I will socialize and drink wine on somone elses dime 😉   I have also been making dinner plans with friends and even made a few new friends.  It feels good to laugh and get out and get some makeup on.  You know, I happen to be a pretty funny person.  Amazing huh because I am pretty convinced I come off as a bore here! 

Work.  I admit it.  I haven’t been giving 100%.  I just can’t put my finger on why.  I was thinking maybe taking some time off would help but I don’t think that is it.  I feel like do good at work my personal life needs to be aligned.  And, even though I go out with friends and have fun, I wish I had someone to hold and give me a hug when this adoption stuff starts to suffocate me.  Sometimes I feel like I am carrying such a heavy load on my own.  I have family there to vent to and to reassure me.. but having a man there to let me feel vulnerable and weak would feel so good.  See I told you this post was all over the board!  Still talking to Single Dad.  There has been no date asking.. just a whole lotta talking .. So basically I fall back on the old movie… if he hasn’t asked you out “He’s Just Not That Into You”! 

Oh guess what .. Kari gave me a blog button!  I haven’t got one in a while!  THANK YOU KARI!  I sure could use this hug today!!

What else…..  uhhhhhhh  How about a game??  Shall We??  I have seen other bloggers do this and I would love to know if anyone has ANY questions of singletracey??  Anything??  Leave a comment with your question and I will answer them all Next Week 🙂

It is Sunday morning and so far the weekend has been great.  Yesterday I FINALLY painted the last two doors in the house that needed paining.  My master bedroom door and my master bathroom door.  I also changed out the hardware on both doors and YAY it looks great!  Done.. WHEW.  The kids came over last night so my sister and her hubby could have a date night.  We are Dino Nuggies and Doritos for dinner and followed it up with cookies.  I know not exactly on my diet menu but hey.. we all need dino nuggies every once in a while!  Here is a pic of the three of us last night having good times.  Hold your hats cuz this is me totally makeup free!

Today, Sunday, when the kids leave, I will head to the fabric store.  My project for the day is to refinish some chairs.  I picked up two chairs at the goodwill store so I would have 4 chairs for my table.  I am going to paint them black to match the others and also replace the fabric on the seat.  The fabric won’t be the same as the other two chairs but then again the chairs are all different and that is sort of the point. 

On the adoption front… still waiting on the 171H.  But I did take some pictures of my house for the dossier.  You know that dossier that is going to be ready to go just as soon as Kaz opens back up.  I also will go in a few weeks and get my medical report redone.  It takes K*aiser 2 weeks to get it done so if I get a date of July I am good.  It needs to be less than 3 months old at dossier submission.  The one I currently have has a date of March 20 something.  If Kaz opens back up Sept 1 then that is too old.  I have to admit that I would be MUCH more happy if my dossier was being submitted now, and this waiting part totally sucks.  But I have no control over it so I just need to deal. 

As for summer plans.  They are starting to fall into place.  Not that I have any really big plans.  Basically some camping, hanging out at the pool and working on my tan (I know I know … terrible), visiting friends and little house projects.  I can not believe that June is here in 2 days!  Wow 2010 is officially 1/2 done!

What a week it has been.  I had a few bad days last week.  Amazing how one day your mood can be great and the next day your P.O.’d because your neighbor keeps playing “gettin jiggy with it”.  If I never hear that song again it will be too soon!  But in all honesty, I did have a funky few days last week.  I was worrying that I would have to redo a form that was going to cost $700.  I was PMS’ing.  I was having anxiety.  I mean seriously, things like the friggin Clear B*lue Easy Pee Stick commercial were making my stomach turn.  I just hit a wall and felt blah.  Going away on Friday with the family helped a lot.  It was great to be gone and many laughs were had. 

Monday when I got home I learned that I will not have to pay the $700 to redo a form and that was good.  Very Good.  Then I possibly got the wedding I was hoping for.  She said it was mine and now I am just waiting on them to pick a package and then sign the contract.  So technically it isn’t over until they sign….  But I am hopeful.

Today I went to see my little cousin/sorta niece graduate 8th grade.  It was fun.  I can’t believe how grown up she is and I am sitting here wondering where the time has gone.  Now I feel like dookie again.  Well not dookie, just frustrated at my life.  I know it will all work out in the end.  But the emotional side of me sometimes overrides the logical side and I feel overwhelmed.  I am done with this merry-go-round.  I want to get off!  Seriously.  No Joke.  I just want to get to the other side.  I don’t get why some days are harder than others.  I hate that.  I hate feeling out of control with my emotions.  Sometimes, like tonight, I think of what my life would be life if I had done this or had done that.  I think about my regrets and mistakes.  I think about what it will be like a year from now.  I wonder if I will be in Kaz or in between visits or maybe home with a child.  I try really hard not to think that I will be sitting just like this night, sad and alone.  I hope not. 

This terrible rainy weather isn’t doing much for me either.  I need sun.  I need to take walks in the sun and feel it on my face.  I need to sit in the pool listening to the kids play and feeling my cheeks burn.  I need to hear the hum of the fan going in the family room since I don’t have A/C.  I really just need a break and something super duper fabulous to happen so I can remember how it feels to be giddy.

Not much going on….   I got some information from my agency this morning regarding Kaz/Hague.  From the info they are getting and relayed to me things shouldn’t be halted for too long.  Of course the very action of me saying/typing that will jinx it.  They also told me that there will be some changes.  Lucky for me I won’t be affected by them but for some of the hopeful moms out there, it will mean Kaz is not an option. 

Besides that operation HOTTIE is in full effect.  My kickboxing schedule is as follows;  M/W evenings at 6 and Saturday morning at 9.  The evening class is HARD.  Way harder than the Saturday Morning class.  I literally almost barfed 20 minutes in.  I wasn’t about to.  Oh no, not in from of Ricky the hot young teacher.  Oh Ricky…  when you showed me how to mount that bag and give it all I got… my mind wandered.  But I digress….  I am working out full force.  I am down 45 pounds and I have 37 more to go.   Yay me! 

Boy talk.  Well I could go into a lot of details or give you the skinnied down version.  There is a boy I like.  Well he is not a boy he is a man.  He is 39.  He has 2 little girls.  He is a widow of just over 2 years.  We talk often but have not been on a date.  I am in no rush as I would love to lose a few more pounds… because let’s be realistic if he likes me there will be making out.  This chick hasn’t locked lips in a very VERY long time and well  if making out is a possibility oh IT IS HAPPENING!  Anyway, I know if he likes me it is for me and the way I am blah blah blah… but I want would prefer my muffin top to be a wee bit smaller if he gets close enough to feel it… ya know??!!!! 

This weekend my boss is giving us (Me and Deb) his cabin for Fri/Sat/Sun night.  Debbie, her hubby the kids and ME are all going and we will head home Monday.  The cabin is in North Tahoe and is officially amazing.  I was hoping for good weather, but apparently there will be snow showers on Sat.  Nonetheless, I will be chilling in our hot tub relaxing snow or shine 🙂  I am actually really looking forward to going away.  We will hang and play in the little bit o snow that is left, play some games and hang out and have some laughs.  There is a pool table so lets see how long it takes before one of the kiddos gets into trouble with that… LOL 

Anyway…  That is the latest and greatest friends.  Have a great rest of the week…

Thanks for all the support you guys!  You rock.  Becca’s email to Hague was awesome 🙂  Now I know y’all say how strong I am and honestly, your words do help to feed that strength and remind me that I can keep going.  Thank you for that!  As I hear more from my coordinator Julie, I will keep you posted.  She and I are going to have a visit this week and we sort of have a plan that I think is great.  AND if Kaz opens back up in 2/3 months as we hope, I won’t be too far behind.  If for some reason we go past 3 months…. Well, I will think about that in a few weeks.  Until then I choose to believe Kaz will get past this sooner rather than later.

Now onto other things….. since I have no adoption stuff to report at this time.  Friday night I had made plans to go to dinner with my friend Kim.  We had not seen each other in ages.  You know I wasn’t feeling up to it but I forced myself to go and you know what.  I had a great time.  We sat outside since it was a lovely evening and chatted and talked for 3 hours.  She has a 15 year old son and we talked about him and we talked about my adoption and how amazing being a mother is/will be.  We talked about being single and boys and work and just everything.  It was fun.  I was glad I went. 

Saturday I got up early and met my sister and friend V for kickboxing.  WOW.  That was quiet a workout.   I thoroughly enjoyed it and I feel like it has sort of renewed my workout instinct.  I mean I didn’t die or pass out in class!  I was sorta thinking I would.  I made it through and even managed the handstand push-up.  OK.. I only did ONE but…  I stayed the whole 30 seconds on my hands and it was no biggie.  I have sort of been lagging in the workout department lately.  With summer just around the corner and the possibility of a date in my future… One must seriously focus on the jiggle.  OH I have not mentioned the date thing have I???!  Do y’all even care and do you want the deets??? 

After working out I then took some “sample” pictures in hopes of giving brides an example of my bridal creativity.  I keep getting contacted for weddings and then nothing.  I KNOW it is because I don’t have any weddings under my belt.  I mean I don’t think I should do your 200+ full service catholic mass wedding, but I do think that I would be perfect for your winery outdoor wedding.  I have a meeting tomorrow with a bride and groom.. I hope the images I took on Saturday will convince them that I can capture and create memories that she will look back on and smile.  Wish me luck!