Poems for Halifax

There’s so much beauty in stillness, even in stagnancy. What all of this has taught me is that there is always ways to go deeper, and work on things you thought had been figured out. I spent the last year trying to find solitude, and it wasn’t until the last couple of months that I’ve truly found it.

In the stillness I find pain, and pleasure, that i’ve been ignoring for years. Pleasure in my home, in my body, returning to the valuing of creativity as a human being. Not how much money I make, or how busy and stressed I keep myself, because I don’t feel ‘enough’. Being here is enough, being human is enough. Looking at the sun, and feeling so much gratitude, and joy, in looking outside my window and seeing how much other people appreciate it too. Joy in the endless possibilities of the future, but also of the necessity of the endless possibilities of right now, because we don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

Pain in the down-playing of my pain, my whole life. Just because my pleasure is greater then my pain doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Just because other people don’t see it doesn’t mean that it’s not valid. And through this pain, I’ve found all of the reasons I’ve become strong and resilient; unbreakable yet vulnerable. How can I use these lessons to find my purpose? The longer I search, the more clues I follow in my intuition, the more I realize, that only time will tell and I won’t know until I enjoy the journey of not-knowing, on my way there. The Sexually liberated woman is really making me do some soul-searching.

Sex has always been about pleasure for me. Mutual pleasure, intimacy, and connection.

Anything other then pleasure in sex, is violence. One of the reasons why I stopped having  sex was because I was seeking pleasure to cover up my pain. Which never works. And my last sexual encounter on my birthday, made me feel like I wasn’t fully in control of my body. And the men who have made me feel this way, and every other woman I know, are nothing but the scum along the deepest parts of hell.

Today, me and L talked about reclaiming our bodies; our breasts, from being inherently sexualized, and feeling sexually empowered doing topless yoga in our rooms. Today, I left the house for the first time in two days, and listened to a King Princess album on repeat. As soon as I decided it would be a good time to go for an evening walk, the world decided it was a good time for a Spring snowstorm. As my face became numb, the warmth of the music carried me down to the waterfront, and all around the city. I forgot how amazing it was to listen to music without any other distractions, and to enjoy your day without having anything particularly pressing to do- enjoyment just because.  Days that are slow, and syrupy, and drawn out. Today, I realised that all of us are prophetic, and that if we listen closely enough, our bodies can see the future.

My band-mate sent me an Indigenous prophecy stating the Earth is entering a 500 year period of femininity, returning to itself, and its healing. Those who don’t follow, will be left behind. It feels like I’ve been waiting for this moment my entire life. My logical brain feels like it’s in a dream-state, but my body feels like it’s returning to a story that was written inside me since the day I was born.

Dream-time, moon-time, yin-time. The only thing I will regret is not going to more music festivals.

I used to be really good at letting things go, living in the moment, not worrying too much about the future; until I was homeless and had to rely on the guy I was dating to provide me with a car/tent to sleep in. I was very okay with relying on other people to get me to where I needed to be, and provide me with the things I needed. After getting fired from the farm, and betrayed by people who I thought cared about me,  I realised, once again, relying solely on other people is never a good idea. If someone isn’t willing to be there for you, things could turn ugly.

Luckily, i’m privileged enough to be able to contact my parents if I was ever in a life or death situation for money. But I try not to do that anymore, seeing as i’m almost 25. This summer was a learning experience, and woke me up to the fact that money IS important. I’m attempting to change my relationship with money,  change the way I think about it and how I value it, but it’s hard. I don’t want to be apart of a system that priorities certain people because they’re able to acquire a certain skill-set and valued for the things they produce over others, even if they do absolutely nothing for society. I don’t want to be  a part of a system that dehumanises people, and oppresses people, and doesn’t value people because they’re human beings. I don’t support Capitalism, and my plan is to get as far away from it as possible. But the irony is I need money to do that.  I’m working 60 hour weeks to get my health in order, my debt in order, my life in order, so I can choose a career path that allows me to help others, while saving up for land, so I can grow my own food, and  become less dependent on the system. I know it will take me awhile to get there, and I still have my music dreams, but ultimately that is the only life worth living for me, and that is the only thing that will ever make me happy.

I finally caught a glimpse of love, true love, without the bullshit, the pretence, and maybe even without the passion. I’m really confused right now, and a little bit scared I made the wrong decision. I met someone over the summer who stuck by my side, accepted me, loved me, and made space for me in a way i’ve never experienced before. And I rejected him when he offered everything to me. I’m worried about my Character, why I made this decision, and I honestly just feel guilty. I wanted someone who would be loyal and honest and communicate with me. Someone who I could trust. And before he told me he loved me, I was thinking of telling him. But I don’t want to be with him. Because

1) he doesn’t understand passion;he can’t understand the parts of me that are wild, uninhibited, the illogical parts of me that make me who I am, and oh so happy to be alive. He lives by logic, always making logical decisions, and never, ever letting go.

I want to be with someone who can make me feel that way, who can feel that way with me, appreciate the small moments in life, like, a cup of coffee and the sunshine. I need someone who can appreciate those moments so that I don’t feel so alone. Maybe i’m not superficial, maybe he just wasn’t right for me. And I shouldn’t feel guilty about that.

2) He’s negative. Slight tendency towards co-dependency because of his mental health issues, using me as a ‘beacon of hope’, using our relationship to make him happy.

3) Because of his always logical approach, and how I usually mirror other people’s energy, he could never have fun! Even when those parts of me came out, the fun silly parts, he never responded to them. I need someone who I can be silly with !

4) As much as I hate to say it, he would man-splain everything. Not in a man-splainy way, because he’s too self-aware for that, but because he values logic so much, always had to comment with some obscure scientific fact that no one understands. He would also enter into intense political conversations with everyone he met, including me, every chance he could get. I need someone less serious. Someone light-hearted, positive, and adventurous.

5)Uncomfortable with sex=made me feel unable to fully express all of my kinks/desires (and wouldn’t tell me his kinks/desires).

6) Not confident, didn’t like to explore new foods, or new ways of thinking. Always making me feel guilty, like I wasn’t good enough morally.

Just because I love someone doesn’t mean i have to be with them. Wow writing this out has helped explain a lot for me. I deserve happiness, and I shouldn’t have to settle just because someone is nice to me. I deserve niceness ANd passion, and loyalty. Because I can give all of that and more back to someone!

The good parts tho: Loyalty, honesty, still amazing at sex lets be real thoseweresomeofthebestorgasmsofmylife, negative but trying super hard to be positive, always teaching me things, and supporting me. Always always supporting me. Willing to learn, grow, travel with me, best communication i’ve ever experienced. smart and still funny. Farmer, likes to hike, makes me feel safe, likes to read, amazing human being. I think im taking for granted how amazing of a person he is because our relationship is so easy. I feel like i’ve known him forever. Like the give and take is completely equal, and I never want to not give him something. I love him, but i’m not IN love with him. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never met someone who I can have a normal relationship with, and i feel like maybe i’m being too picky, like I have this weird list of boxes i have to check off or no one will be good enough for me. What if i never meet someone with all of those check marks, am I being unrealistic and looking for a perfect person who doesn’t exist? Looking at my flaws- my A.D.D, my irresponsibility. my inability to tell someone negative emotions. I just feel like I don’t know what i’m doing in love even more then I thought. Like, maybe i should settle! But I guess i’m only 23. …

This weekend I went to a workshop in Toronto, and I realized something.

I’m more comfortable, more confident, when pursuing people I’m interested in that are avoidant, less than I actually desire, dishonest, and not in a place to give me what I need emotionally, because pursuing someone who I ACTUALLY want, pursuing someone who is worthy of my affections, means I have to be completely vulnerable. Drop the act, risk rejection, risk not being loved, and therefore risk not feeling worthy. I’m SO scared of rejection that 90% of the time I don’t let people know i’m interested in them, even if I know they are interested in me, because subconsciously, a part of me doesn’t feel good enough. Pursuing people who I know who aren’t good people, boosts my confidence because I know that if it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t me, it was them.

My ex-high school best friend messaged me last night after we haven’t spoken for six years, during a thunderstorm, right after my mom called me and told me her boyfriend’s father had been found cold in his sleep.  I cried lightly, didn’t know how to feel, and curled up with a white blanket, watching the Tarot episode in Sabrina. I felt slight abdominal pain, and I reached into my pants and found blood on my hands.

The lightening here is beautiful, but I can’t wait to leave.

I’m moving back to Halifax. I’m going to be farming there for the summer on a Haskap berry farm.

I went for a 6 hour hike with the most magical couple. They were flower-boys best friends. We hiked to three different waterfalls, laid in the grass near a farm, and found a Hawthorne tree, with the most beautiful purple spikes I’ve ever seen.  They gave me a velvet top and a rock they found in the desert.

I’ve been meeting so many beautiful friends lately, people who I seem to click with right away on a spiritual and intellectual level. I feel like I’m starting to fall in love with all of them in a completely platonic way, and I’ve never really felt this feeling before. It’s like, all of my desire to be in a relationship, all of the love that I want to put into one is just being split up between all of my friendships and it’s really lovely. I’ve also been thinking more consciously about what I want in life, on a philosophical level. I want to take my wilderness first aid course, and get my drivers license, and go for long hikes, and find someone who can explore the world with me. I feel ready for a long-term partner, but I also don’t want to put energy into dating because i’m trying to put all of my energy into accomplishing all of my goals. I want someone who wants to travel with me, makes art, values communication. But I don’t want to settle for anyone.

Last night I went to see a local girl band with a girl I played a show with in Hamilton. Today my co-worker joked about marrying me and the part of my brain that falls in love with everyone got way too excited and I was super weird.

I’m tired of trying and not getting anything in return. I’ve decided that I’m going to pursue joy in every aspect of my life, and I don’t want to be around anyone who is trying to do anything less with their life. The man who ran the farmers conference is giving a workshop on how to find the things that bring you joy in life, and I realized I’ve already spent so much time doing that. The psychic I went to told me I was becoming a very self-actualized young woman. I definitely am starting to feel more powerful in my soul and in my mind. I decided to hike the Grand Canyon after I’m done farming in the summer, and after I go on tour. It feels so right.

Moving here , I thought I would make a lot of money and start valuing superficial things, or maybe enjoy them more for sometime. I thought I would get my nails done and buy expensive clothes and expensive drinks. And being here has made me realize that I can’t go back to who I was before. Farming changed me on a fundamental level. I feel happiest in my muddy rubber boots and an old jacket I found at one of my dog sitters clients house. I thought my desire to have possessions would come back with a vengeance, but if anything moving back to the city has made me realize just how much I don’t value them anymore. I’ll be living off grid this summer again, by a stream with black-flies, two kids and the ocean. I’m almost done Women Who Run with Wolves.

Coconut flakes and popcorn. I watched Wild, because IN told me to watch it. She wants to hike the Bruce trail with me. I want to do it, but I don’t think I want to with her. She gets nervous even when we’re walking around in the city, and it makes me nervous. I remembered how the bus broke down on the highway in the summer, and I hitchhiked to Victoria just to see a girl I liked. Farming made me fearless. Farming made me feel powerful. But I feel like I’ve lost that power. I don’t know what I’m doing here in Ontario. Something told me to come here, and I still am searching for why. I miss the wilderness. I’m dreaming of the sun again; I’m trying to find God in the ice and the snow and the city. But the city feels empty, and cold, and sac-religious. Everyone here is searching for the soil and they’re fucking standing on it but the pavement is getting in their way. Lately I’ve been wanting to take pictures of things I find beautiful. I think I’ve never dabbled in photography because I was always worried I was bad at it. But I think I have an eye for beauty.

Flower boy left me with a hallow feeling of deja-vu. Been there, done that. Your castle, your cigarettes, and your foggy eyes don’t impress me. I’m disappointed that I let myself get to know someone so wrong for me. But I guess that’s what loneliness does to you. Everything here feels like dejavu. The skateboarding, and the angst, and the pointless hookups and shitty jobs. I’m done with those things, I just want to make money from my music, I just want my band to be famous. I just want to hike the pacific coast trail.

That’s what I’m trying to do this month. Today I went skateboarding with a girl I met at a show I went to, the night I wrote my last post. That was a really significant night for me. I had a strong intuitive feeling to go to that show alone, like the one at the cafe. beside my house, where I met my band mates. It’s so fascinating seeing how things turn out when I follow that feeling, it’s like the universe is playing a magical game with me that I’m constantly trying to figure out. Now that I’m in Hamilton, I feel like I have to hone that feeling even more, because if I make one wrong decision, things won’t workout how they’re supposed to. My new years resolutions were plentiful; get my license, don’t let fear get in the way of what I want to do, focus on love, make music, stay near nature. Maybe I’m still trying to figure out my new years resolution to myself. Two nights ago I went to a queer kereoke night with my friend who came all the way from Halifax. I was terrified of singing the Alicia keys song we chose. The bar was divey and tiny, and so crowded we could only sit at the bar stools. A girl who I thought was super cute recognised me from Tinder in the washroom, and she turned out to be an amazing singer, and also a vocal teacher. My performance was awkward and off key, and I knew that I would mess up in front of everyone. I didn’t care, I felt great afterwards, like I had just done a line of coke, even though I’ve never done coke. I want to start doing kereoke all the time, and maybe it will help me develop my stage presence and confidence with my band. Today I learned how to skate on the half pipe, and I made a new friend. I have so many things I want to do, and so many things I’ve already accomplished. I need to allow myself to let go once in awhile in the new year, and realise that I can’t control everything, and that if I try my best, and keep working at it day by day, that’s enough. I need to learn how to stay present, while still keeping my dreams alive. That’s really hard, because I want my music, my band, to succeed so bad. I can taste it on the tip of my tongue, and it’s driving me mad. I believe in myself so much that sometimes I worry I’m delusional and that I should just give up. Like, I have no reason to believe in my art this much. I’ve never wanted it this bad before. There’s an energy running through me that I know I have to follow, but I’m worried that it will all be for nothing. I guess only time will tell.

For the past two weeks, every night I’ve been putting on Netflix as soon as it gets dark, and snacking…until I feel sick. Even if I’m not hungry. I snack on whatever I can get my hands on. As long as it’s sugary or salty, something that will give me that rush of serotonin, I’ll eat it. I did this in Halifax, before I left for farming,  right after I stopped seeing Sailor boy. That’s what caused me to gain weight, and feel uncomfortable in my body, which caused me to enter into an endless cycle of eating to feel good, and then feeling guilty. I never want to feel that way again. Farming saved me in so many ways, spiritually, and physically. But now that I’m back in the city, I’m faced with a lot of things I was able to escape. I think I’ve always been a midnight snacker; in high-school, food and movies were comforts that allowed me to escape my current reality. During my relationship, I didn’t need food because I had sex, to ease my anxiety about my lack of trust. But now that I’ve decided to be temporarily celibate, I’m turning back to food. I know I should stop myself, but it feels like an addiction. Maybe I just have an extreme case of S.A.D.

I chopped down a Christmas tree with a girl I met on Tinder today, and after she left, I felt empty. Like, I never wanted to see her again, even though she was great, and wished I could run away from this apartment and this city. I can’t right now. I’m trying to pay off my debt, and be responsible, and things keep seeming to work out for me so well. I’ve already made friends, and gone on dates, have an amazing job, joined a band, and even started my own business, in only a month. But I’m still not happy being away from the stars, and the mountains that took my breathe away; made me feel whole and complete and connected in a way I can’t explain. I fell in love with nature, a life-long marriage that I won’t be able to shake off. Now that I know what it’s like to experience holiness, I’m homesick. But I have nothing and no one to comfort me, because I never want to compromise, when nothing can compare. Instead of eating an entire cup of peanut butter, I’m trying to hold onto my chest and my shoulders, love my body and think of the night I laid down in the farm field, and buried a moose tooth beneath the full moon.

Yesterday, I took a walk to the waterfront before sunset. It was so cold that I couldn’t feel my lips, and my ears ached from the wind. I found a park beside the boats that was green, and rolling and open. I sat by the grey water and looked at the ducks, and tried to write about how angry I am that most people don’t feel the same way as me. Most people don’t understand why I’m so in love with the Earth. I feel helpless, like my voice isn’t strong enough, like I don’t have the words to convey what I feel. I’m trying anyways. I’m also trying a new thing where I go on lots of dates, and don’t do anything physical, so I can analyze it without letting my emotions get in the way. I  want to compare and contrast who I like and don’t like, and I don’t want to get heartbroken about someone who’s not worth it. I want to live a life that’s worth it.

I’m listening to Joni Mitchell and drinking a can of lager from my brothers fridge. It’s hard for me to breathe. My chest feels tight, my eyes feel tense and tired, and my belly is full of meat pie and vegetables that my Grandfather made. I moved back to Hamilton, finally, after farming in B.C. Thinking about how much I’ve achieved over the past six months makes me feel proud, accomplished, calm. But right now, in this present moment, my entire being feels tense and I have no idea why. Except I do know, but those reasons don’t seem good enough for me.  Jupiter has blessed me with luck in my sign this month. Maybe a part of me feels like I don’t deserve it, like i’m worried all of this is too good to be true. I got a job at the Royal Botanical Gardens. But I haven’t been this broke since my first year of university, so I guess it needed to happen. I found a band to play music with, after playing a big festival with my band in Halifax. And I have the largest crush on a boy whose band I just joined, who also has a girlfriend. And my entire being is hoping, wishing, convincing myself that somehow, we are going to end up together, and I have no fucking idea why.

I’ve listed off a million reasons why I feel this way.  Because I’m scared of real commitment with anyone right now, because of the power imbalance, because i’m not actually into him, i’m just confusing connection with romance, because I develop small crushes on every cute person I meet , because i expected him to be a compete ass hole and was pleasantly surprised when I realised he was a nice person (my standards for men are too low clearly). We spent an evening together playing music and really hit it off, we had a really intense connection. Totally platonic of course, but then afterwards I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I don’t connect with men very easily, or feel comfortable around them, so when I do, I feel like I develop these delusional  crushes and automatically feel like we’re meant to be together. It’s very stressful, especially in this situation, because I highly respect not only him but want to be friends with his girlfriend, and would never want her to feel jealous. He told me how her last boyfriend cheated on her, which makes me feel even worse about everything. I keep messaging her and asking her to hangout, hoping that if I can develop a friendship with her before she leaves, my crush will dissolve. I think because I know she’s leaving in a month a part of me is clinging onto the idea. This happened with my other friend L, but as soon as he didn’t have a girlfriend and I actually got to know him, I realised that not only was I not that attracted to him, but that he was definitely not someone I would even want to be friends with. I have to remember why I made the decision not to date men. But i have a soft spot for men who understand inter sectional feminism, and I feel like a horrible person; embarrassed. And i’m hoping the feelings go away, but i’m terrified they won’t and i’ll ruin the chance at being friends with him, that he’ll notice my weirdly intense eye contact and rude attempts of ignoring him and realise that i’m not as great/strong/talented as I appear. I guess this comes down to feelings of self-worth all over again. Maybe I just need to remind myself that it’s okay to have a crush on someone. But the worst part of it all is that it’s not necessarily a physical crush. Like, he’s cute but I don’t really care about that. Mainly I just want to talk to him, forever. Maybe I need to allow myself to do that, and then once I actually get to know him, i’ll realise he’s a MAN, and i’ll be able to see all of his flaws, and stop focusing on mine.

My hair is long, farming made me strong, I found lots of woman who could maybe love me but it wasn’t right, and I still love Latin American food and tequila. I’m going to get some on my birthday and get a Christmas tree, my birthday tradition. I started reading Women Who Run With the Wolves, and it’s now turned into my life bible for trusting my intuition. I’m momentarily celibate, trying to go to the gym on the regular and stay healthy, and I’m hoping to go Salsa dancing soon.  I miss B.C a lot, and there’s a lingering sadness that’s christened my face in this deep Autumn cold. My first day of work is tomorrow.

Wish me luck.