Chapter 2 – The Phone Call

Posted on by thinkingtheo

So Dorian and I continued to message back and forth. It was pleasant chat and he would always be so polite. He’d sent me voice notes and I’ve reciprocated but we’d never actually spoken on the phone. Doing that would make it all too real. We’d spoken about meeting up but we hadn’t confirmed anything, which was good because I knew that it would never be possible. With Sam it was easier to make an excuse of visiting family in order to see him, there were no children involved but this time it wouldn’t work, I didn’t have those excuses to use. We could never meet.

One evening I mentioned to Dorian that it would be nice to chat on the phone, although I was nervous about this. Actually talking to someone on the phone and putting a conversation to a face was different to texting or voice noting. He called me first, but I missed it. He thought I was just being a chicken but I actually genuinely missed it. He tried again and this time I answered. Wow. The conversation flowed, probably initially from my nervous waffle but it was nice. I soon settled my nerves and we chatted back and forth. I can distinctly remember where I was and what I was going as it’s stuck in my mind. Towards the end of the conversation, it turned quite flirty then a little sexual. Sparks flew through my body with every word he said. This was the excitement I needed, at a safe distance. The flirt but nothing else.

I could stupidly feel myself being swept away with this fantasy, I could feel myself falling for someone I hadn’t met, again. Stupid? Very. I knew that it couldn’t be possible but I still let myself get carried away with it. Perhaps in hindsight, he was love bombing me, telling me what I wanted to hear. Sending me the messages I needed, flirting with me. That little spark kept me going back to him but deep down I knew that this was only going to last a couple of months, if that and if I’m honest, I just kept pushing the thought to the back of my head.

Chapter 1 – Dorian

Posted on by thinkingtheo

You might be wondering why we’re at chapter one again, well it seems that a leopard cannot change it’s spots and finding Sam again was just the catalyst for what was to come.

I thought I still loved Sam but in hindsight, I don’t. In hindsight I was just searching for that fix, that excitement, the longing to feel desired and wanted and that feeling goes quickly, too quickly. That buzz doesn’t last forever, despite the fact that I actually need it to, I crave it to.

Stuff was going ok with Shane, we’d had baby number three but Shane was becoming more short tempered. More on edge, more shouty, scary even. One Mother’s Day is came to a head, the second Mother’s Day with my three little ones ruined. He yelled at repeatedly for being ungrateful for his small, pointless efforts. He said I was ungrateful for the little effort he’d put it and lost it. So I went searching again, searching for that fix, searching for that spark.

I went online again. As I typed in my details, some fake of course, I knew what I was doing. I clicked on profile after profile, unsure of what I was looking for, then up popped Dorian. Not my usual type in the slightest, so far removed from it actually but I was intrigued. So I clicked on his profile. It was actually one of the first profiles that was well thought out, had details in it and every part was filled in with care. You know what, not my usual type but I wanted to genuinely wish him well as he seemed genuine. So I messaged him, not expecting a reply. His profile started no replies to profiles without photographs on them but I wasn’t fussed.

About 30 minutes later, a reply came through. Dorian. He thanked me for my message and then the conversation continued. We messaged back and forth on the site. I wasn’t flirty but then he asked for a pic. I didn’t hesitate. He continued to message and by this point it was getting late. He then sent me his number, a natural transition and I reciprocated. The texts instantly came through, followed by picture messages of displays within his house, how quirky collections. My head was spinning, he was so far removed from what I was used to but I was so intrigued. A new hit of dopamine because I couldn’t work him out.

He sent me some voicenotes and I responded, initially too scared to listen to then. We bid each other a good night in the early hours of the morning and I thought that would be it.

The next day came and went without any response from him. Oh well, it was a nice evening.

Monday came and my phone buzzed. It was Dorian sending me a good morning message, wishing me a good day. Pleasant and safe enough for him to not expect a reply, but a reply is what he got, and the replies to his messages kept on going.

I could easily keep this up for a couple of weeks until he wanted to meet and then ghost him, couldn’t I?

Him – Part 22 – I need to be honest

Posted on by thinkingtheo

So the morning after came and he texted me to say he was awake. He asked about me coming for breakfast but I was too nervous to eat so declined and said I’d meet him afterwards.

He told me he’d finished and asked where he was meeting me, I found a local park, a good distance away but not too far, where we could walk and talk. In my head, I knew I needed to tell him. I knew it wasn’t fair but I knew that it would be it.

He arrived first and again, I saw him first. This time I didn’t change my phone’s wallpaper or take the car seats out. I needed him to know. We walked over to each other and he wrapped his arms around me as he said “come here” and then asked if I was ok whilst looking straight into my eyes. We started walking and talking, me trying to find the time to talk to him about my deception but there were too many people around. He was talking about his children and saying what they were like, I made some off comments for a woman with no children supposedly, bracing myself and easing myself into the conversation.

I stopped and turned to him “You’re going to hate me, and that’s fine, I know I should have been honest but I have children, three of them and I’m still married.” Done. I explained the ages of the children. I don’t know how he felt, I asked him but he was probably in shock. He hugged me again and told me to just be honest with him. No more lies. I admitted that I was scared that he’d stop talking to me if he knew this things which is why I didn’t tell him. I admitted that I’d gotten in yoo deep and that I was a horrid person for breaking his heart again. I apologised again and again. He just kept saying it was ok, hugging me and then he did something I did t expect; he kissed me. He kissed me a few times.

I admitted to being pregnant and having a baby when we last spoke. I admitted to having made a decision about us and then finding out I was pregnant and then feeling more stuck. I admitted a lot but I was honest. He said that it was ok, that we’d continue to do what felt comfortable. He told me that he loved me.

I told him everything; conversations with Shane, having babies to wallpaper over cracks. He just held my hand and hugged me and kissed me.

Part of me thinks he was getting his fill as he knows that this is it. This is the end for us forever, we will never be together, no matter what we do. We can’t move away from our areas to be with each other as there are children involved who need to see the other parent. I jokingly said, “so I’ll see you in 17 years then.” 17 years and all of our children will be grown up.

I feel that my life is similar to one of my favourite books; Where Rainbows End. They love each other but they keep missing each other due to marriages or babies or jobs etc. I hope I’ve got the book somewhere in the house as then I can read it and cry without anyone knowing why.

I do regret responding to his email. I thought I was strong. I thought I was over him but I’m not.

We had one last kiss in his car then he drove away. That will be the last time I will ever see him face-to-face, the last time he will ever hold my hand, the last time I will ever hear those three words said to my face from him, the last hug.

Right, best go. I’ve a mountain of washing up left for me to do and piles of washing to sort out, plus more to put on. I’ll be fine, at some point, I hope. I’m just hoping it doesn’t take 7 years.

Yeah, called it

Posted on by thinkingtheo

He’s been weird since yesterday. I can feel it and I can tell as it’s basically text book stuff. He hasn’t changed it that way at all. I’ve told him to tell me if it’s weird or if it’s freaking him out and I’ll cool it, I’ll stop being so me, so open, so loving. It’s too much and I’ve fucked up. I’ve fucked up with my honesty and my neediness. I should have focused more on that message, the one where he said “but we’ll never be together.” I am focusing on it, which is why I’m sad. It’s why my heart hurts, it’s why I’m not smiling. I let him back into my life, was honest (after it going way too far) and he treats me as he did back then.

It’s my fault I’m hurt. I shouldn’t have admitted things, maybe my situation but definitely not admitted that I love him.

I want to sob but I can’t, not because there will be no tears but because I have others to put first, others to pretend to be happy for.

I was fixed but now I’m broken. Let the grieving start yet again.

Him – Part 21 – 7 Years Later

Posted on by thinkingtheo

Wow, I never thought I’d be adding another chapter to this blog. In all honesty I never thought I’d hear from him ever again. I thought that was it. The end, done.

How wonders never seize. So, let’s continue.

We reconnected; first through email, some getting flirty, some normal then through WhatsApp. How times have changed; photos and voice notes were sent, something we didn’t do much of in the past, well apart from emailing pictures.

I’ll be honest; I told him as much as I wanted him to know so that he would keep talking to me. He never directly asked me if I was still married, but I never gave that information freely. I never told him about my children. I lied again to him because I knew if I was honest that he would just stop.

After a couple of weeks of messaging, he said he wanted to visit me. Even on the day, I made excuses as to why he couldn’t, because I couldn’t get away to see him and I didn’t know where to meet him. He was annoyed but then suggested the next day. Thankfully I had an appointment so physically couldn’t see him.

More messages were exchanged, flirty, naughty, intoxicating messages. I wanted more but I knew it wasn’t right. We became a little foolish one night; a mini argument happened and he blurted out that he still loves me. I have to admit, that yes, I still love him. Once that was said he decided that he was visiting on Friday and stopping over as I’d said something like that before. He said that we could be together for that night.

Friday morning came and he messaged to check if I wanted him to stop over at a hotel. He asked for my address so I gave him a round about place so he could search. He found a place and then booked it. He told me he’d set off as soon as he could but his ETA was 7pm.

He texted just after 6pm to day he had arrived. I made my excuses to leave home, claiming I was going round to watch something with my best friend, yet she didn’t have a clue. I texted him to give my ETA and on my way there I encountered road works and a huge detour.

I finally got to the hotel, he was standing outside the pub. I knew it was him, flashbacks to the first time we met came back to me. I took in a deep breath and then stepped out of the car. Wedding ring still visible but excuse in hand. Phone wallpaper changed, mum keyring removed from my keys and car seats tucked away in the boot.

As I walked towards him, I smiled a huge beam, not intentionally but it was there. As soon as I was near him he gave me a massive hug. So familiar, so normal. He turned to me to kiss me but I stood firm. “A hug is fine.” We walked into the pub and ordered drinks before being shown to a table for food. I just kept repeating that it was strange, because it was, it shouldn’t have been so familiar. His voice, his mannerisms, all the same. The same Sam I knew. We did nothing but chat at the pub, he showed photos of his daughters and I listened in shock to what he told me about their mum, the young girl he got with when she was 18.

After our meal I said I’d probably need to go soon, he replied with “not too soon I hope.” He asked what I wanted to do. I said I wasn’t fussed and he suggested watching a film in his room. I replied as long as it was only a film.

We got to his room, both took off out costs, him his shoes too and sat on the bed. He popped the TV on and went through a few channels until we found some which I said was ok. He then moved closer and held my hand with his other arm around me, just staring at me. I could see as I stared at the TV. I asked what he was looking at and he said nothing. He got closer, told me he meant everything he said, asked me to look at him so I did, told me he loved me, lips getting closer, he moved in, I moved back with a strong “no”. He apologised. Held me again.

We talked about the past with him apologising. Saying that he needed to get over me to move on but again said that he was mine, whispering in my ear, making my heart race. We kissed; we continued to kiss with me lying on the bed and him on me. I found sense.”no” I said, he stopped and apologised.

We continued to chat, I found out things and he found out things. I told him how hurt I was. We admitted things; that I’d Facebook stalked him then blocked him and his number, plus any social media. He admitted to seeing how far away my old house was when he was working around. He said he searched for me on social media and emailed me as he remembered my name on there.

The kissing started again, more passionate. Me saying stop and then starting again. Kissing him, touching him, him kissing me, hand under my stop. I unbuttoned his trousers, I could feel that he was desperate for me. If I’m honest I wanted him too but hurray for good, old Aunt Flo. I told him I couldn’t do anything but he said that he really wanted to fuck me and that he was mine if I wanted him. He wanted me to stay. Told me again that he loved me and he was sorry.

I meant to leave at half 9pm at the very latest. I left at 12am.

As I left, I finally said it “I love you.” But with those words the guilt rose inside, not for Shane but for lying to Sam. I loved him and I knew he’d hate me if he found out.

Long time no speak

Posted on by thinkingtheo

Well hello there. It’s been a while, and you’d hope that the reason why I haven’t written in so long is because I haven’t needed to, and you’d be right, but then you’d wonder why I’m deciding to write now, well let me tell you.

A few months ago I was looking through my old emails, this was a nightmare as I’d lost my password and couldn’t remember various security details but I finally managed to access them.

Scrolling through my emails was fun; there were quite a few unread emails. Mainly spam and marketing rubbish but then something stood out. I didn’t delete it and carried on sifting through my emails, two more emails stood out. Again, I left them and deleted the rest.

Two emails were sent around 3 years ago, both on the same day and another was sent this year. All 3 said similar things but rather than them being the usual spam, they were sent specifically for me. For me, from Sam.

Yes, Sam had emailed me back in 2019 asking if I wanted to reconnect. He used the exact word, reconnect and then his follow up email gave me his mobile number. The third email was sent earlier this year (2022), asking if I wanted to catch up. When I saw these messages, I froze. Part of me was like “how dare he message me after this long” and then another part of me was suspicious. What did he want?

I replied to his email, partly because I was hoping for an apology, partly because I was nosey and partly to see if he’d reply. I said I didn’t use that email anymore and that he could contact me on another (though the email I gave him was my designated spam email address.) Within minutes, he replied. We sent a few messages back and forth, I was very closed and didn’t give specific details out. This is my life and he has no right to be any part of it. He freely gave information about his life to me. Turns out he has two children, two children with the young girl he fancied way back then, when she was only around 16. That information was given to me later, which yes, suggests I continued to talk with him.

He randomly sent me a photo of himself and his children. The youngest looked just like him. A couple of days of messaging here and there and then nothing. He said he had a fiancé, I didn’t question this or ask anu further information.

Then a month ago, I made a mistake of emailing him, to see how he was. I don’t know why. It was just before I went to bed and I thought, why not? Let’s see if he replies. He did, and then we messaged more. Then I gave him my number and now he wants to come and see me this weekend.

It has escalated quickly, too quickly. We’ve said things we shouldn’t have, send photos we shouldn’t have but worse still, he told me he loves me still and in a stupid conversation, I said that I wished he didn’t meet his ex but then he wouldn’t have his two children, to which he replied “well not 2 children with her.”

This is not what I wanted. I didn’t might messaging him as a friend. I’ve gone too far again and I’m lying again and I don’t like it one bit. I’m aiming to re-read my blog to remind myself how he’s a prick and I’ll end up being hurt, not him.

Update

Posted on by thinkingtheo

I do, every now and again, update this blog. I don’t have a huge need to update often as the purpose of it is no longer relevant.

 

So to catch you up; it’s been over 2 years since Sam and I last had contact. (that’s gone quick!) It’s only things such as checking out someone else’s WordPress which leads me to check mine thus reminds me that he existed, and no, not in any other way apart of “oh yeah, that happened… Dud it?”

So that’s that update, more importantly though, we have our second baby. A little boy called Alex. He is wonderful (despite pulling my hair at every opportunity!)

He has completed our family beautifully and Elsie seems to have taken to him (despite the fact that he “can’t talk to me yet mummy”)

 

I’m writing this as Alex has decided it’s wake up time (quarter to 5!) and I have to be up soon anyhow to go to the doctor’s. It’s going to be a long day but I’ll cherish it as I know Elsie starts school next year and a whole new chapter of out lives will begin.

 

Shane and I are good; we have our ups and downs but this I’ve come to realise is normal. It’s a normal part of a relationship, marriage, to dislike each other at times, especially when a new baby is involved. I think we’ve worked better this time round because we kinda know what to expect and we know that Elsie’s turned out fine so hopefully Alex will as well.

 

Anyways, my alarm will no doubt be going off soon so I’m going to enjoy some Alex cuddles whilst hopefully having a quiet 5 mins.

The beauty of time

Posted on by thinkingtheo

18 months and counting. No contact with Sam, and I rarely think about him… Nothing reminds me about him.

shane and I are good, supportive and loving. We argue but we sort it, our daughter Elsie is growing up far too quickly for my liking. That’s the biggest heartache these days.

the beauty of this year is that we (Shane and I) will be welcoming another addition to our family during the summer. Elsie is yet to b convinced that this is a good idea but that’s what toddler’s are like.

I’ve also starts my own side business and I’m hoping whilst I’m rocking it up on mat leave, I’ll be able to make a go of this.

anyways, I am tired and I need to sleep. Pregnancy has me up several times a night to pee!

Long time no seea

Posted on by thinkingtheo

Hello all, I realise that I haven’t logged on for a while which has meant I haven’t posted for a while.

truth be told, I haven’t needed to post. There is no other story anymore.

I would obviously love to say that I was the one to finish it completely, to say it face to face and to be honest with him, but no, I wasn’t. I didn’t end it.

Id love to say that he had the balls to end it with me, as he had always said he would if the time came. As a sign of respect and because of how he felt. But no, he didn’t.

We simply stopped talking. He stopped replying to my messages and I took the hint. I didn’t persevere and ring, text, email… I simple got it. I’d wanted out for so long but didn’t know how so for him to do it was a relief. No “sorties”, no “thanks for the memories” just simply silence.

I admit that I emailed him once at the beginning of September to say goodbye and that I thought he would have at least ended it as he told me he would. I didn’t expect a reply, I didn’t get a reply.

i am fine, I am happy. I have coped without him. I have focuses don’t what is here and now. I have achieved what I needed to.

2016 is my start as a different woman; I am 6 stone lighter than last year and my hair is now styled and coloured differently. What I wear is different and how I am is different. I’m not going back to what I was and I’m certainly never going back to how I behaved.