Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! 

Thinking of all of you struggling with infertility. I know how hard this holiday is. Sending huge hugs, love & prayers. 

Hannah's Christmas clogging recital

On Hannah's birthday, it was her Christmas clogging recital. She was so excited! She was able to do her favorite thing on her birthday. :)

She did so amazingly well. She was fun to watch. 

Here she is before it started. 

Hannah with her babysitter who is also a clogger. 

Having a little practice before the recital starts to get used to the stage. I actually didn't take any of her performing as I was busy recording. :(

Mommy & Hannah. Love this girl. 

Happy 3rd birthday Hannah!

My dear, sweet Hannah,

It's hard to believe you're already 3. While I miss those cute baby days, I'm in awe of the beautiful little girl you've turned into be.

My favorite times are those random kisses and hugs you give me. Every night right before you go to sleep, you give me a kiss on the lips and on the forehead and then a big "huggy". You love giving hugs and kisses and also recieving them.

You also know when I'm getting upset at you or getting ready to get after you for something, you can distract me by saying "I love you Mommy!" and offering a hug and a kissy. You're kinda a stinker that way.

You've really taken on the caregiver role and I couldn't be more proud of you for that. Whenever Daddy is having a rough day and he tries to get up to help, you're always pushing him back to the bed and telling him he needs to rest. You're always protecting him. Whenever he coughs, sneezes or winces, you always ask if he's okay.

I know just hearing your voice and seeing your face makes Daddy feel 100% better.

You can always make us smile and laugh from the way you talk about computers ("peters") to dancing and clogging and giving us a show almost every night. You love entertaining and seeing people smile. I'm in awe of your talent to perform. I know you're going to go far.

You are so appreciative of everything. You get so excited over even the smallest little things and say "Thank you so much!" with big hugs.

And you're always such a positive person, always saying "I love this" and "I love that". Even when you randomly say "I love pigs!", everyone smiles. It's hard to be in a bad mood around you sweetie. Everything is so positive and happy.

One of my joys as your mom is hearing you say "I love you!". Most of the time it's completely out of the blue, when I'm not expecting it. It completely melts my heart and can make the darkest skies blue. There's nothing like it.

I tell you every day but I can't tell you enough--I'm so proud of you and I love you so much. You are the most amazing little girl and you're the best daughter and friend I could ever have.

I hear from so many people how special you are, how sweet and thoughtful you are, how advanced you are and how loving you are. People love spending time with you, sweetheart, and love seeing that amazing, bright smile.

Every day I thank God for letting me be your mommy. Nothing in this world brings me greater joy than waking up next to you every morning. I thank God for giving me another day with you. Every day is a gift that can be taken away at any time and I'm so blessed with each day God gives me with you.

What a joy, honor and blessing it is to be your mommy. My days have never held so much joy, laughter and love.

Happy 3rd birthday sweet Hannah. I'm so glad I get to spend it with you.

I love you so very, very much.

Forever yours,
Mommy

Why Hannah's birthday and holidays are bittersweet

I remember when Hannah was born when I had so many people tell me things like "What an amazing day for you!", "You must be so happy!", "That must have been the best day of your life!".

Honestly, no, it wasn't.

I'll always remember that day she was born. I was the first person to hold her and I'll never forget looking at her sweet face for the first time. Tears of happiness started flowing down my cheeks. I was so happy.

Then I looked up and saw Hannah's birthmother with tears on her cheeks for a very different reason.

Suddenly the tears I was crying weren't just happy tears but tears of extreme sadness for the birthmother.

Since then, I've had limited contact with the birthmother. It's mostly on holidays and on Hannah's birthday. She'll always text on special days and wish us a happy holiday and Hannah a happy birthday and ask me to give her a hug and kiss.

I know every holiday she thinks of Hannah. I know she misses her. I know she loves her with all her heart.

I know on Hannah's birthday, she's so sad. I know she remembers that day she was born just like I do.

Only that was the last time she saw Hannah.

She's told me multiple times that shes doesn't regret her decision and I believe her. She's also told me multiple times that she thinks of Hannah all the time and I believe her.

When we were struggling with infertility, holidays weren't easy. In fact, they were just plain down right hard. There was always a piece of my heart missing.

I wonder if that's the way Hannah's birthmother feels.

I'm so blessed to have my Hannah with me for holidays and her birthday. It's a dream come true for me and I feel so honored to be her mom.

Yet, I know in my heart and mind, there is another woman who gave birth to my little girl who is hurting on those same holidays and birthday. Her heart is aching. She's thinking of Hannah and I'm sure she wonders "what if?". I know I would be.

When we do chat I tell her how much she means to me. I tell her how happy Hannah is, how healthy she is, how amazingly beautiful and talented she is.

I also tell her how much I think of her, how I know those days are hard for her, how I don't take it granted. I promised her when I left the hospital with Hannah, that we would always say a special prayer for her on Hannah's birthday and she would always be a part of the day with us.

I've kept that promise and I will continue to keep it.

So, while I may be smiling outside and feeling so much happiness that I finally have my daughter to celebrate holidays with, I can guarantee you, my heart is also breaking. It's breaking for Hannah's birthmom who I know is thinking of the little girl she gave birth to.

It's hard for me to be completely happy when I know another woman isn't.

It may be hard to understand but I hope and pray one day Hannah will read this and get it. She'll understand why I have tears in my eyes while I'm singing Happy Birthday to her. She'll understand why I might seem a million miles away while watching her open her presents from Santa. She'll understand why my smile isn't as big as it could be while recording her Easter service at church.

I pray she'll understand it's because she has a birthmother who loves her so much and a woman who means the world to me and it hurts me that she hurts.