things best not repeated

Suddenly, and without warning, it is Xmas time. Winter has officially arrivian (it is a word now) and the holidays are here. Some are past. Some are Friday. This Friday. Crap.

I've had a weird year. It hasn't been a bad year, but it has been a weird year. I've fallen deep into a cozy little hole. And while my hole is lovely, warm and inviting, it is a hole. Decidedly cave-like. I need to get out more. I need to reconnect. I need to leave the cave and wander around in the sun. Well, when the sun comes back. Winter isn't exactly handy for cave leaving.

A few notes from the very crowded overnight flight I was just on. 

1.  When I look at the armrest of the seat in front of me, I shouldn't see a foot. No matter how well pedicured.  

2.  Do you really need to rotate your whole body every 15 minutes? There's shifting positions and then there are in flight acrobatics. One if those is ok, the other is what you've been doing all night. 

3.  If you are going to play with your iPhone, that's cool. But note: it lights up. Meaning you don't have to turn on the brightest overhead light in the history of man causing me to wake up and yell "dear god, why!" at you.

4.  If a very tired person wakes up and yells "dear god, why!" at you evey time you turn on the overhead light, maybe you should turn it off, not leave it on, while you fiddle with your self-illuminating iPhone, probably writing passive aggresive notes about how she snores and keeps fidgeting with the armrest. 

Today we hit the big Ferry Building Farmer's Market. We picked up a bunch of basil and fancy tomatoes, some fruit, some greens and a big sweet bunch of mint I plan to make into delicious fresh mint tea after dinner. Then we headed to a nearby Thai restaurant for lunch- away from the maddening crowds. After lunch we went back into the fray- picked up some fancy (and allergy fighting) local honey and some salami and bread. Oh, and coffee. For drinking then and later.

And I couldn't help but think: This isn't how unemployment should be.

I'm still early enough in the struggle that I'm not watching every penny. I'm also lucky enough to have a partner with the same tastes and a nice (and seemingly) secure job. I'm worried, but reality is still pushed far enough back that it isn't consuming every moment. Panic only seems to seep in in those quiet pauses. When I sit still enough to realize what's happening. Really happening.

I'm not homeless. Obviously, I'm not going hungry. I'm still paying my bills. I've got mint tea and urban honey and I've got somebody to take my mind off reality. I've got a pretty sweet life.

i've been remiss in my blogging duties. 

which is fairly obvious.

i was pretty sure my funemployment would turn into a whirlwind of blogwriting and selfbetterment (yes, those are both words).  it, however, has not.  while there has been some selfbetterment (i've been taking some time to do some actual physical activity beyond walking to get my morning latte), my blogwriting has suffered. 

and by "suffered" i mean "stagnated."

i'm offering no explainations or solutions.

or promises.

BUT.  all that is (not was, just is)  unrepeatable can now be found on my tumblr.  unrepeatable.tumblr.com. which is more fun.  and perhaps slightly less stagnate.

my plan had been to keep you, dear internet, posted on the state of my funemployment. this has, obviously, not happened. but that is ok. it hasn't really been that fun. yet.

tomorrow i head to the UK for a few days, then on to the netherlands. i'm only visiting countries that start with "the" as i find that they are more important than countries that do not.

definite articles make all the difference.

Tomorrow is my last day of work. After work, I'm getting a haircut and packing my bags for LA (well, bag- singular, I doubt I need bags- plural for a 2 day trip to LA). And that is how I am kicking off my funemployment. Who needs to deal with reality when we can escape from it?

Well, I do. And I plan on dealing with it, but not until Tuesday. Monday I have to renew my driver's license. Priorities.

My plan for dealing with unemployment is simple- find a new job. And while looking for that new job, brush up on some of those skills I have listed on my resume but maybe haven't used in the last year. Take a class. Get outside and enjoy the city. Enjoy this "time off" enough that I am rested and energized and eager to get back to work. And if I'm not, find out why and fix that.

I'm glad I'm being laid off- I'm looking forward to new opportunities. Really. I'm glad I'm getting the chance to go to London and Amsterdam with Mark. I'm excited for all of that, but I'm dreading what will come after it. The boredom, the sadness, the lack of direction and purpose and the distinct feeling of worthlessness that I can feel brewing in my gut even now. This sickly sad bile that I am suppressing with plans for museums and gardens and tea.

Ugh.

So tomorrow ends my employment and begins my funemployment. And this will be good times, come hell or highwater.

Enjoying the brightly colored tea treats at the new Samovar in Hayes
Valley.

I know this is a terrible picture. The combination of lighting and poor color choices make it virtually impossible to take a good picture in the office. But that is neither here nor there because in person these are some beautiful flowers.

And they were waiting for me when I walked in this morning.

They aren't from my beau. It isn't my birthday (in fact, it is decidedly not my birthday, it is my dear friend E's birthday and I'm very much looking forward to cocktails). I didn't win anything or do anything. Yesterday, I mentioned to a coworker that I thought her flowers were pretty and today they were in my office. Like my own personal desk-sized sun made from a bunch of perfectly formed daffodils. Fantastic.

I am gearing up for a major turning point in my life.

No, really, I am.

Look, the facts are these:

I moved. In with a boy. I'm losing my job, a.k.a. finding a new job. I'm still mostly newly 30. I just cut my hair again. I bought new shoes and new jeans. These are prime turning point indicators.

But turning where? When? How? I mean, obviously this is the time. This is the moment. This is it. This has to be it. But what is it? Where am I going? How will I get there?

I want to do something more than just move numbers around. I want to make something. Or be part of something that makes something. I want to reach out and touch someone (but not in a sexual way). Or, if I do just move numbers around, do that for something I believe in. And not something I have to trick myself into believing in to get out of bed every morning, but something I really believe in. Like electric cars. Or coffee.

Of course, all this being said, a job would be nice. I could believe in a paycheck. I could get behind some health insurance. I could be a part of something with a dental plan.

OK, it is confession time.

I am now officially obsessed with a video game. That's right, I am. Me. I know it's hard to believe, but it is true. Obsessed. OCD. And the "D" is for "Damacy."

It all started with a shirt.

This shirt:



I saw it at WonderCon and had to buy it for M. It's an ostrich- how could I resist? Ostriches are awesome.

Then, M then mentioned it was actually from a video game. Well, I guess that makes sense. I mean, why would you have an ostrich shirt at a giant nerd convention? (Um, why wouldn't you?) In this video game, the Prince of the Universe rolls up all sorts of objects using a very sticky ball. A very tiny Prince, a very sticky ball, and objects ranging from paperclips to buildings to cities- progressively bigger and bigger, until you roll up all of the earth, the solar system and everything.

I thought that was really cool. This is where things get ugly.

M decided it would be a good idea to bring it home. One day this unassuming little plastic box shows up. It is "My Beautiful Katamari" for the xbox, he rented it from work. Just to show me. Little did he know that what would grow from that box would be an all consuming obsessive beast, not unlike the katamari itself.

It is so cute! It makes no sense! You just roll around picking things up with your ball. All things. Everything. In the universe.

This is way better than Tetris. And if you don't believe me, just visit their website. Or better yet... see for yourself:

It doesn't look like much, the picture really doesn't do it justice,
but that was my home for the last 3 years. That and a few other rooms.
It was cozy and bright and mine all mine. It was where I'd stumble in
late at night, a little drunker than intended. It was where I'd spend
lazy Sundays fixing breakfast and catching up on TV. It was where I
planned my grand adventures in and around San Francisco. It was where
friends would crash on the couch. It was where I fretted and worried
and panicked and where I fell in love. It was home.

Bye-bye home.

I logged on to moo.com, uploaded some of my fancy latte pictures and
voilà- Business cards!

When I moved to San Francisco, I was really excited because just around the corner was this adorable little coffee shop. This was perfect! Every morning I could stop in on my way out. I would become a regular, they're have my drink waiting.

Reality, as is often the case, was not playing along. The coffee, both brewed and espresso drinks, was terrible. The bagels tasted like they had recently been frozen. And the service? While nice people work there, I'm not sure they know why.

This morning, short on time and looong on need, I decided to pay them one last visit. A fitting bookend, I thought, to my time in the neighborhood. How bad could it be?

That question only has one answer: that bad. Nothing has changed. My latte still tastes like watery coffee, with no milk. The bagel is borderline inedable. The people were nice, though. So at least there's that.

So goodbye, Cafe XO, and good luck.

It's been a while.

And that's because I've been kind of overwhelmed by everything. Everything being losing my job and moving in with M. But when I write that it seems like nothing. Not nothing, but only two things. Two things. Next to nothing.

I'm embarassed that so little is so crippling.

But I'm moving. I'm moving on. I'm moving up. I'm moving in. I'm in motion. And maybe it is crippling, these two silly little things, but I'm going to hobble and crawl and claw my way forward.

Because where I'm at is not where I want to be anymore.

Because where I'm going is going to be awesome.

Taking a break at Paulette in Hayes Valley.

The avocet heads to his new home in lower haight.

I don't know what this is, but I want it.

Nothing like a little Herp for the Valentimes.

These "life-like" kitties and puppies look like they are stuffed not sleeping.

M got tickets to see Neko Case last night. that was pretty awesome. it was a conversation followed with some singing. the conversation was fine; the singing was fantastic. the songs from the new album sound pretty darn good (of course everything she sings sounds good) and it just added to my overall excitement regarding the new record.

yeah, i said record.

anyway. i've been trying all day to write about this show, but i have totally lost my words. i am pre-occupied with work and moving and the stress is getting to me a bit. i need to have things done and said that can't be done and said yet. so i guess i really need to let go of this need, but that is much harder than singing like Neko Case. though a little Neko Case might help.


(amazon.com has a preorder up)

Neko Case will be sitting there. Same setup as Hodgman, slightly
different view.

One of the thoroughfares in my fair city is Bush St.

Except for today:

http://www.sfexaminer.com/local/Obama_signs_temporarily_replace_Bush_signs_this_morning.html

It is funny. I was sitting at my desk earlier today trying to think of a way to sum up what I'm feeling about all this inauguration hoopla.

I'm at a loss.

I thought about how everyone I know is taking the day off or watching the inauguration at their office. How even my office is letting me come in late so I can watch the excitement at home with M. How movie theatres showing the live broadcast have sold out. Any Starbucks with a TV will be showing it. Any place with a TV will be showing it.

What is this like?

What have I experianced in my life to compare this to?

9/11. The Challenger. Katrina. Tragedy. Sorrow. Horribleness.

I remember being in England for princess Di's death. How the nation mourned. How the day of her funeral all the streets were empty. Silent. You could hear the news coverage from open windows as you walked down the street.

I haven't had anyone declare victory in Europe or land on the moon. I've never seen my country, a country I love deeply, come together in shared joy and purpose before. And I don't quite know what to do with myself.

But I do know it is pretty amazing.

And about damn time.

Today was joint member day for a bunch of museums downtown. My SF MOMA
card got us in to the cartoon art museum, the yerba buena center for
the arts, and the contemperary Jewish musem. We followed our culture
with a couple of fancy pants lattes and an argument over whether or
not reciprocity is a word. Apparently it is. Reciprocality is as
well. Reciprocostliness is not.