The Mamma’s Boy

In 2006, my father fell terribly ill and had to be admitted in the ICU. He underwent an angioplasty and proceeded to later develop pneumonia and severe septic shock.

My mother was with him at the time.

And I was in a med school in St. Petersburg Russia, utterly unaware that back home my father was on ventilatory support. 

Our relatives and the treating doctors implored her to call me and ask me to return home, on account of my fathers condition, but my mother never did.

My mother (a pathological optimist and a woman of unwavering faith) decided to never inform me, her only son, that my father was grievously ill, since she firmly believe he'd recover and I shouldn't  be bothered, as it would affect my education.

My father did recover much to the surprise of most of the physicians treating him, and I only realized the gravity of the situation when I visited India for my winter vacation.

Any woman or man, in her place would be splitting hairs, but not her.

It is also of an interesting point to note that my mother is physically handicapped. As in she has difficulty walking on a day to day basis.

This woman faced with such a monumental situation decided to let me be. This woman decided to bear the storm herself, and refused to cower to depression, frustration or any ounce of weakness.

The only adjective I can use for my mother, is adamantine.

Adamantine, stubbornly resolute and a pillar of strength.

I've always admired her care a damn attitude, but this one incident will remain in my memory forever.

My mother has faced numerous difficulties with a ridiculous smile on her face. It has even led to heated arguments between me and her when my life would be blowing up in my face and my mother would have a placid pragmatic and positive approach to everything.

My mother and I don't always agree on everything.

But my rebellious mother is a prime example of a woman who's the very personification of strength.

She had her own interior design firm, which she later discontinued in order to focus more on my upbringing (something I wish she hadn’t done)

Despite her physical difficulties she continues to whip up delicacies in the kitchen.

Perhaps it's this aspect that makes me attracted to rebels, social weirdos and misfits. 

Owing to my mother, I visualize an ideal woman as a pillar of strength and fortitude.

My mother is this ridiculous internet addicted goofball, who keeps bombarding me with viral videos even when I'm at work.

But I'm very grateful to this goofball who introduced me to faith, to Harry Potter, to emergency medicine (when I was depressed and massively confused about my career) to Oscar Wilde and to an excellent culinary taste.

She's always been my anchor 

And she's an example of how a parent should be

A mentor, a best friend, a nag and a confidant.

Proud to be a Mammas boy to this day!

Righteousness is Balance

An atom is made of protons, electrons and neutrons 

The number of positively charged protons equal the negatively charged electrons 

An imbalance between the sheer numbers of protons and neutrons and electrons leads to an unstable atom

The universe operates on an unwritten rule of absolute stability 

So does nature 

Stability is composed of polar opposites of like and unlike forces 

Night and day 

Creation and destruction 

Birth and death

For the existence of a universe it’s forces need to be an absolute balance of both halves 

An imbalance or disproportion leads to chaos and widespread instability 

In Hindu philosophy the forces of both positive and negative must exist ideally in balance 

It’s the basic Universal rule which is absolute 

And non negotiable 

The “good” Devas exist alongside the “evil” Asuras 

Inherently both Devas and Asuras pray to the absolute Bhraman (“God” in the terms of a non spiritual layman), to grant them victory.

A non Hindu practitioner would laugh so as to why a God would answer the prayers of an Asura

Since western thought has always been innately primitive in its classification of “good” and “bad” they failed to comprehend the sense of balance 

Asuras have been ordained to be “negative/devious/evil” just as Devas have been ordained to be “positive/noble/good”

But there have been Asuras who’ve won accolades more than the “noble” Devas

And an Asura isn’t a sinful being as an Asura is merely acting out on how he/she has been created

Just as a mosquito isn’t “sinful” for harbouring disease and biting you. It’s merely doing what it has been ordained to do.

That being said, neither is a Deva “pious” 

A Deva is merely doing what he/she can in view of their innate nature 

The role of “God” here is balance and justice 

If the pride of Devas and their sheer number, outnumbers Asuras He/She shall grant victory to Asuras 

If the tyranny of Asuras and their number overpowers the Devas He/She shall grant victory to the Devas 

And this event shall be cyclic, from eon to eon.

Nature shuns imbalance and abhors asymmetry

And thereby so does the universe 

Followers of various religions envision a day where their religion shall be the dominant religion of the entire earth 

But in a massive insult to their own egregious oversight owing to their dogmatic belief system, that day shall never come.

Because it’s in violation of the law ordained by the Universe

An entity far greater than the little book they believe in.

The universe exists in a system of a heterogeneous environment

It’s the like and unlike aspects of this heterogenous environment that in the end creates the stable homeostasis of the universe 

An atom cannot be composed of only protons

Similarly there is no such thing as one gender, there are two polar opposite genders 

And thus in an absolute affront to their respective messiahs, the earth will NEVER have just one religion or a belief system 

Nature shuns homogenisation as much as it shuns asymmetry

A whole being can only exist when two polar halves of opposite natures conjoin together.

Coming to the Hindu aspect of Karma

Even Karma is balance 

There is negative and positive Karma 

And both need to exist in their own equal numbers 

Of all the promises made by different Gods of different religions, the promise of MahaVishnu on the field of the Mahabharata war stands out 

“Whenever there is decay of righteousness, O Bharata, And there is exaltation of unrighteousness, then I Myself come forth ; For the protection of the good, for the destruction of evil-doers, For the sake of firmly establishing righteousness, I am born from age to age”

People bemoan that God is non existent as evil exits and good suffers 

What they fail to see that evil also is eliminated and the good also obtains victory from time to time

“God” created “evil” with the same cosmic intent of creating “good”

Gods “job” isn’t the creation of a homogenous cosmic utopia of perpetual positive elements 

This would be a failure of the universal law of balance and the heterogeneous law of equilibrium between two unequal forces

Gods “job” is to maintain and sustain balance 

Hence MahaVishnu declared inherently that he shall “Restore Balance” if unrighteousness “exceeds” the sheer numbers and aspects of righteousness 

He never mentioned that all of righteousness shall disappear and all of the unrighteous shall be eliminated 

He will ONLY appear when there is a state of imbalance to restore balance 

Until then the world shall exist in a state of perpetual equilibrium 

This applies to even Karma 

Karma is merely equilibrium and a state of justice 

Prophesy states that yes, there will be a time when the universe again dissolves onto nothingness 

What shall prompt this dissolution is unknown 

But this has occurred before 

And shall happen again 

But that day is not today 

And when it dissolves into non existence, 

by the will of the maker it shall reappear 

And when it does, it shall reappear with its positive and negative elements of Devas, Asuras, light, darkness etc 

If I were you, I’d concentrate less about focusing piety and sin, and more on realising the fact that you’re merely a particle ordained to perform a certain function based on the will of the universe to maintain equilibrium 

Far be it for me to say which part of the positive or negative spectrum you fall in.

That is for the Universe to decide.

Of Marriages and Matrimony

There comes a time in our lives, when driven by a primal instinct instinct of raging hormones, tepid insecurity and the wanton need for company, we begin searching for the one person we wish to spend the rest of our lives with.
Every culture, species and civilization on this earth has devoted immense time and energy for the sole purpose of "settling down" with that special someone.
Mating calls by birds, dances of death by scorpions and the whiff of charged pheromones in the air by other mammals, signal the beginning of a most satisfying encounter, fulfilling the evolutionary need to meet, mate and propagate.
The same goes for us humans as well.
But humans given the evolutionary right of being a complex species, have established their own complex mating rituals.
And it has changed through centuries of trial and error, raging from shy glances by the women whilst watching their knights duel one another, to applying enough make up akin to the war paint of a tribal amazon and lust after a hunky male gyrating sensuously on the dance floor.
Somehow though, evolution has little meaning in a particular south Asian nation, where marriages are "arranged" and meetings between the two chosen candidates are closely scrutinized by their overbearing caregivers.
And India being the fabled nation of the IT boom, the arranged marriage scenario has taken a 21st century avatar spawning a slew of websites devoted to finding your one true arranged partner.

Pretty much like an adult dating site, except with the auspicious blessings of your parents, grandparents and family astrologer.
And to make sure, one isn't left behind on the tides of change, yours truly has been inculcated into the matrimony mayhem.
At first, it seemed pretty much like a social networking site. With your profile pics and self praising taglines and online chat worthy members.
Except the fact that its a much sadder version of a dating site.
Guys with profile pics akin to the passport sized photos one uses for a driving license or an office resume. And the ladies dressed up in their Sunday best, hair in place and smiling eerily as if held hostage by a demented stalker.
But its the self advertisement that gets you.
Its no small wonder that the telegram has survived in India to this date. Indians seem to be men of few words and frankly their profiles speak for themselves.
For the  guys its "Hardworking, honest, and clean habits",  for the girls, its "sweet, homely and fair complexion".
Now if that doesn't ignite the ravenous passions in you, I don't know what will.
The next part involves praising your skills.
Guys aren't meant to have skills in the Indian marriage market.
They're meant to have jobs and degrees and hefty paycheck. The more degrees and the moolah, the better your chances of landing a fair skinned, homely damsel with the cooking skills of a star chef.
Degrees don't matter to the women though.
Its imperative for them to be homely and good looking. And having any extra ability to sing or dance or knit is an absolute plus. Probably she can entertain her industrious well educated husband as he feasts on her chicken tikka masala wearing the home spun sweater she knitted, nursing a glass of chardonnay, as she sings and gyrates rapturously to the latest Bollywood number.

Least thats what I can imagine. Else why would you brag about your "skills" in the first place?
Not to mention all this is possible only with the blessings of your family astrologer.
God forbid if your charts are askew. It can only spell doom for you arranged life of marital bliss.
Most of the instant responses I've gotten are simply on account of me being a doctor.
Doctors and engineers are apparently prized highly on the market.
Somehow its ludicrous how ecstatic people can become when they land up a doctor groom. Even if he's probably a delusional maniac. Its the degree that counts. Not the personality.
This is literally what contemporary Indian society has come to.
A shallow paltry commune of petty pretentious people with preposterous preconceptions.
I cannot imagine what genuine affection can possibly exist in a match made solely on the basis of monetary success and homemaking skills.
Such "alliances" are an affront to the very idea of genuine affection.
In the quest for looking for a "decent bride or groom" people have grossly overlooked the very essence of humanity.

Even Indian mythologies have stories of being smitten by love at first sight, runaway marriages and tales of affection and longing. I don't recall a single epic with any arranged marriage involved.
There is nothing traditional in a system that defies basic human convention.
And there is nothing traditional about a system that overlooks the basics of character and focuses solely on the superficial trivialities of  your job or your cooking skills.
Moreover in hindsight,  marriage is a journey. One that you make through all the ups and downs with your partner for life.
Getting an instantly successful husband without ever being a part of his struggle is woefully indicative of how trivial the relationship is going to be.
Its not something I'd ever want to be in.
Or for that matter anyone ought to be in.
Its about time that people reminded themselves what marriages are all about.
And hopefully bask again in genuine warmth and affection.
To quote Oscar Wilde, "You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear."

Of Depths and Distances

There are somethings in life, that defy comprehension. No matter how much you try to make sense of it all, the basic explanations to all your queries remain unanswered. Answers remain elusive and questions haunt you for ages.

I have learnt the hard way, that try as I might, I might never seek the answers to any of my queries. Its the bitter pill that circumstance forces us to swallow.

I write this, out of an overwhelming urge to make sense of it all. Perhaps the key could even lie in the melancholic musings of myself.

A lot of us have to endure some sort of angst throughout our lives. Some are devoid of love, some yearn for the for support, others vie for wealth. And each is thwarted in their attempts to secure what they need most by an adversary. 

In my case the adversaries have been distances. 

The deeper the depths of the relations I forge, the longer the distances that I have had to endure.

It seems, that every time I forge a deep connection with someone, I am made to part ways with them.

Since as long as I can remember have always abhorred being alone, or being separated form those I love.

And yet time and again, circumstance makes it so, that the deeper the depths of my relations, the more longer the distances grow.

They say distances make hearts grow fonder.

I believe that it has only made mine more weary.

Weary of having to be constantly separated from those you love.

Weary of having to make critical choices that make me move miles from those I consider nearest.

Most of my friends have never understood how I could miss my mom and dad at this day and age. And the very notion that I miss my dog seems ludicrous to them.

But thats how I'm built.

And besides, my family is a well oiled unit where we can speak our minds, with an absolute freedom of expression, and mutual support. Unlike most families of today that are forged out of indifference and apathy. In which case I can understand why the children bolt away from home the first chance they get.

And speaking of friends, I had an excellent friend back in medical school.

Someone with whom I could act the goat and not have a care.

An excellent friend who stood by me the six years of medical school. Someone whom I could call anytime of the day, no matter how trivial the reason.

A friend who I shall probably never see again. Since we now live in two different countries separated by a chasm of time and circumstance.

I'm honestly tired of forging relations only to be wrenched off them in the long run.

I'm weary of being constantly separated from those I love and have them exist only in my memory.

People who have had the opportunity of growing up with their loved ones and having a best friend for as long as they can remember have no idea how blessed they are.

Then again I suppose we each have our blessings and our curses.

Mine being having to part ways with those I love and cherish most. 

A lot of things in life are not fair.

And while I am quite grateful for what I have at my disposal, it wouldn't hurt to have a loved one by my side. So that there is someone with whom I can share whatever I see and experience, for as long as I can remember.

I hope that one day I can throw caution to the wind,

and forge relations of great depth, that no distance can undo.

Overlooking Handicaps

Yesterday, after a nearly year long hiatus, I decided to go to the movie theater. The movie they were playing was a Bollywood film called Barfi. In a nutshell, the film basically focused on the life and antics of a lovable deaf mute guy called Barfi and the two lady loves of his life, one of them being Autistic.
I must say, I did quite enjoy the film. Probably one of the best pieces of cinema that Bollywood has churned out in a really long time.  Devoid of pointless melodrama and ridiculous dance numbers.
The best part about the movie is, that while I laughed and followed the antics of Barfi and his autistic partner, not even for a moment did I sympathize with either of the characters.
The film was not about evoking sympathy. I believe that was never the agenda. While countless movies have been made on the blind, deaf and physically handicapped people, they were done so to evoke sympathy from the audience. So we can feel their pathos and suffering.
But this movie had a different note altogether. This was not about sympathy. This was a wonderful saga of a happy go lucky guy who made everyone laugh, and not even for a moment did you feel sorry for him in the long run. Being deaf mute was only a part of his persona. Not his persona by itself. His deafness and the inability to converse became an absolute non issue in the log run. You just focused more on his life and his interactions with those around him. The movie painted such a wonderful picture of a world I had completely forgotten. Full of childlike innocence and mirth coupled with a devil may care attitude.
Barfi being handicapped never even came into the picture. You just forgot about it.

Everyone is born with a handicap. Either mental or physical. Perfection was never a part of our design. Some are fat, some are painfully shy, some can be claustrophobic while others have some sort of physical deformity.
But in the long run, it completely depends upon you. So as to how do you wish the world looks upon you.
Whether you want society to sympathize with you throughout your existence, or do you want the world to see you as something well beyond your inabilities.
A great deal of us yearn for attention. A great deal of us want the world and society to feel our pain and understand what we are going through. And throughout our lives we constantly strive to get their attention, only to fail time and again. And then later depart into the bowels of loneliness and self pity.
If you thought the world is ever going to see or understand your suffering, you're sadly mistaken.
Newsflash, its never going to happen.
What you can do however, is become someone who stands well beyond your shortcomings and redefine yourself.
When people think of you, their first thought ought to be about your positive aspects.
People ought to remember you as say, an amazing writer, a loyal friend, a talented cook or a brilliant professional.
Not as, the bald guy, or the stuttering girl or the divorcee.
Your handicaps or your dysfunctional background shouldn't superimpose upon your persona.

Many people succumb to fussing over their disabilities, constantly reminding the world of how miserable they are. But what good would that even do? All you're doing is creating a sad stereotype that you will be branded with for the rest of your life.
The very definition of you should be about your achievements and not about your afflictions.
History remembers Maugham as a brilliant writer, not as the man with the stutter. The same goes for Julius Caesar who is remembered as a military mastermind and not the man with epilepsy.
It completely depends upon you, so as to whether you'd like to focus on your shortcomings, or brush them aside and look at the bigger picture.
One needs the carefree attitude of a child to pretend and become someone beyond your inabilities. So that the world tomorrow sees you as someone well beyond his or her afflictions.
Obsessing and focusing about your shortcomings will get you nowhere. Nor will it win you the sympathy you crave.
Just like in the movie, Barfi made you look beyond his handicap and made you laugh and look up in awe at the magical world he wove about him.
That's truly how life ought to be.
Filled with magic, innocence and wonder, just cruising forward and keeping all your shortcomings at bay, as if they never existed in the first place.

Inner Demons

The media is abuzz with the death of Amy Winehouse.
Its funny how only when someone famous passes away, you begin to develop an interest into the lives of the said individual.
The same goes for me.
I had never heard her music before, nor did I pay much attention to her accolades. Nevertheless, its only when she began to come on news for all the wrong reasons, my interest peaked, and I followed her misadventures with a certain degree of interest. Its strange, how people pay more attention to you when your life is spiraling out of control. When its so easy to point fingers and laugh at an individual when they are at their worst. When we coolly pass judgement and laugh at their misgivings.
And when, suddenly out of the blue, when the individual who was the butt of all your jokes for a long time, succumbs to his/her miseries, you take interest in their lives.
Such would be my case.

But beyond the vague interest, lies a deeper emotion of empathy.
Something that perhaps reaches out to you through the darkness entrapping your soul.
I can only imagine, how hard it is to fight long drawn battles with yourself.
When even though your intentions are pure, your actions speak otherwise.
When although placid and aloof on the outside, inside you are screaming for attention. Like a stricken sailor amidst a raging tempest, calling out for help, only to have his voice drowned out by the storm.
Its when the demons within you begin to take hold of yourself, you are caught unaware and feel powerless to do anything about it.
When you wish to call out for help, but cannot because of the morbid fear that no one will come.
And its during this time you are most stricken.
For some of us, everyday can be battle.
To battle with circumstance is one thing, to battle with yourself is a whole new ball game.
So many people have gone down fighting their inner demons, because perhaps no one came to their aid. Or perhaps they were too afraid to ask for assistance. Either way it has never ended well.

Perhaps the one reason no one ever asks for aid, is because of the morbid fear of being misunderstood or misjudged.
And that's when things take a turn for the worse.
I believe, that unlike popular conception, angels and demons aren't disembodied beings who ride on your shoulder egging you in different directions.
I believe angels and demons are the two halves of your very soul, that can either guide you or torment you in the years to come.
Its only when your inner demons grow stronger, they consume you like a fatal disease, debilitating you one step at a time.
We all have inner demons within us.
But not all of us have to undergo the torment they impose.
Its fighting them that's most exhausting.
While the world is out there judging you for the "error of your ways" you know the uphill battle you have to fight day in and day out.

And not everyday is a victory.
When you know you have fallen within, you still make a brave face before those around you. And might even feign a wide grin to hide the pain within.
So basically you have to live out a charade outside, and fight for your sanity on the inside.
And in doing so for a long period of time you begin to break, the cracks show and you fall deep into the abyss, forsaken and forlorn.

Nevertheless it doesn't always have to end this way.
If only those close to you could see the warning signs. If only they could have lent a hand to save you from falling deep into the point of no return. If only they could have held you when you were deeply shaken, exhausted from your constant battles with yourself. If only they knew..
If only they knew.
Unless you're a hermit meditating deep into the woods, you as a human are a social animal.
Unfortunately all society can do today is point fingers, mock and pass judgement.
But atleast those close to you can be of assistance if they wish.
Sometimes I even wonder why people bother to forge bonds with one another if they are the first ones to abandon you at your time of need, like rats forsaking a scuttled ship.
Fighting your demons requires tremendous strength.

It leaves you exhausted by the end of the day, unable to think or act.
But if you're fortunate, you can be strong enough to win this battle.
People often pray for money, success or other pointless things. When the real thing they ought to be praying for is strength.
Its only those strong of will and a good support system that come out of this battle unscathed. Whereas a good many aren't so fortunate, mainly because of personal apathy and social indifference.
I suppose in the end, when the going gets tough, all you can do is rest your sights on the smouldering embers of hope amidst the ashes. And pray that someday you will come out victorious and unscathed.

I Believe.....

Every year, in the month of January, huge colossal crowds of men gather in the dense forested hilltop of Sabarimala, in Kerala. Some have come as far as hundreds of miles to witness a spectacle, that occurs only once a year, when the sun begins its transit into the zodiac of Capricorn (Makara).
On this day, from across the horizon, people witness the flickering of a bright light known as the Makara Jyoti (the light of Capricorn). Now this light emits from within the dense forests of Sabarimala, across the landscape briefly three times, signifying the divine presence of Lord Aiyappa (a popular South Indian deity).
And on this very day, people throng amongst thousands, to witness this divine spectacle.
A spectacle that has occurred year after year, since time immemorial.

Now as all things pertaining to faith, this spectacle too has not escaped the throes of controversy. At least in recent times. Rationalists and atheists have debunked this spectacle as being man made, and not divine, much to the chagrin of the believers across the country.
Of course this is not the first time, where this accusation has been made.
Nevertheless, year after year, the crowds grow and the spectacle continues.
Sometimes I wonder, so as to what the so called rationalists aim to achieve.
I believe that everyone is entitled to his beliefs and doubts.
Its only when people choose to stick their beliefs down others throats, it gets annoying.
India, is a land of a multitude of faiths and beliefs.

Faiths that have grown accustomed to being amongst each other for centuries. And as a consequence, there is a strange, nevertheless chaotic balance that connects every individual in this country.
Every village has a local legend. A local deity, local miracles, a haunting, and the sort.
Everyone has his or her version of the history of creation, mythology and philosophies pertaining to life.
Children are taught tales of mythological heroes of old, and stories of generosity and virtue. Creating a role model for them to look up to in their infant years.
No one has seen the heroes of old. Nor has anyone viewed their exploits. But its the belief, that at one point of time, there might have existed such an individual, known for his daring exploits. A role model to look up to, during the most darkest of our days, during the most trying circumstances.
And that's the purpose a belief serves.

In the current era, the most easiest thing to do is question, to doubt and to be skeptical of everything that goes on about us. To be rational about everything.
And how does being rational help?
It gives you answers.
It tells you fact for what it is. It unravels the truth.
So hypothetically you now do know the truth.
You now know that the heroes of old probably never existed. All the legends and stories are a sham.
There are no miracles. Just accidents and coincidences.
So there you are,
the truth is right before you.
Now what?
What remains in an existence that is bereft of belief and hope?
Where do you go, in the darkest hour of your need, when you do not have the strength to face whats before you, and your loved ones are stand helpless?
In a world where belief is non existent, and faith is a thing of the past, now that you have everything figured out, all you have left, is to succumb to your fate.
That's it.
End of story.
People underestimate the power of belief.
The power the human mind holds over sentient life.

One of the best known examples, in medical science is the placebo effect. Where test subjects were administered dummy pills with the belief that it will cure their migraines or cold or other assorted maladies. Though the pills contained nothing in them, the subjects reportedly felt better after their administration. The placebo effect is a small but sure example of how the human mind responds to even the most trivial of beliefs.
Basically, a system of beliefs, creates a feeling of well being. A feeling of purpose and direction in life, which no amount of rational explanation can achieve.
Even if some beliefs might sound ludicrous to a good deal of people, as long as it helps the individual in question, why take it away?
Whether or not a spectacle is divine or man made, whether or not legends and myths are real or fabrications, it is irrelevant, as long as it gives one hope, and feeling of being special to a great multitude of humans.
You cannot take away belief from us, because that is the one core thing that separates us from the other species. Its the one thing that makes us human.
Parents tell their children that they are special. Can you imagine a rational perspective where a child is told, "you are just like everyone else, there's nothing special or different about you".
Then what can the child possibly aspire towards?
Its something tot think about.
Beliefs are necessary.
Personal, spiritual or religious.
I choose to believe.
I believe in a purpose, an ideal and whatever legend or incident, that serves to guide humanity as a beacon of light through the darkest of days.
If there's one thing I do not believe in, its accidents and coincidence.
The world seems a lot more magical that way.
The rationalists can have their world. Mundane and devoid of any hope whatsoever.
I choose to stick to mine.