Wordless Wednesday

Brought to you by the words "gasses" and "SEE!"

No big deal

13dpo & it's a BFN. I know it technically is still early to call the game, but I'm doing it anyway. Even if I were to get a positive after today, I wouldn't have any faith in that pregnancy. My first pregnancy didn't show up until at least 15dpo, but it failed before it even got truly started.

But it's no big deal, at least that's what I keep telling myself. It's only the second month we've actually tried since our last loss. This is nothing in the grand scheme of things. This doesn't prove any secondary infertility. This is normal. That's what I keep telling myself.

In reality I'm hurting. I was convinced I was pregnant. I wanted to be pregnant. This was my last chance to get pregnant before my EDD with my nugget. I didn't want to sit through that day without knowing hope was growing inside me. But now I don't have a choice.

Maybe I wouldn't be so upset today if I hadn't had dreams the past few days of getting a BFP. It's always a shock to wake up from such realistic happy dreams. You wake up not realizing it was only a dream at first, then it hits you it was. And reality is great, but not quite a good as the dream was.

Last nights dream contained a BFP and my Dad's dog. It was amazing! I called my parents to give them a boat load of good news. I couldn't remember what a few things I had wanted to tell them were, but I remembered to tell them that I was pregnant and that I'd found their dog. I was confused why they hadn't told me he was missing, but he showed up at the end of my driveway (which was actually at my childhood house in the dream). I was going to feed him good food to get him healthy then have my neighbor groom him before we saw them again. It was such a happy dream! In reality my Dad's beloved dog drowned in the pond behind my sister's house while my parents were at the hospital waiting on the arrival of the boys. And I'm not pregnant.

It really is no big deal, but just for today, maybe it is for me.

Well that's not so bad

I took Jack to his pediatric ophthalmologist appointment Friday. It went really smooth! We were there for a few hours, but thanks to some of you ladies and my optometrist, I was expecting it.

And the verdict is? The kid is in desperate need of glasses! There is no noticeable muscle weakness, but there is very noticeable farsightedness. The exact words of the doctor were, "He's severely farsighted with a distinct difference between the two eyes." After googling his prescription I'm going to add he has an astigmatism in his left eye as well (R +7.50 SPHERE / L +8.00 +0.75 X 090). He was crossing his eye trying to focus.

With further reading I learned this is very common in children this age as their eyes haven't matured. As they grow things are supposed to fit better (the components of the eyes) and therefor focus better.

I ordered his glasses that afternoon and will hopefully have them later this week (due date is 07/29 at the latest). The doctor explained Jack will have to adjust to having them on, but as bad as his eyes are that may happen within a week. After he adjusts he probably won't want to take them off even for bath time.

We go back in 2 months for a check to see how things are going.  Hopefully it won't be too long before the prescription can be changed to something not quite so strong. If, after a good time in the glasses, we still notice his eye crossing then we may have to add some time with an eye patch to help strengthen the weak eye.

OMG it was so fun taking the boys to try on glasses! Jack loved me putting the frames on him. It was so cute!!! Trip began to melt down when he realized he wasn't getting a turn in the frames, so I tried a pair on him. I only wish the picture I took could convey the look he gave me when I did. He didn't try to take them off or anything; he just looked at me like "I am the cutest thing you have ever seen. You know it. Admit it!" (that kid is so full of himself. no clue why. it's not like we tell him he's one of the cutest babies in the world or anything...heeheehee.)

And because I can't talk about little guys in glasses without sharing pics, here you go:

My future's so bright

These are the frames I'm getting! Only add thick lenses...

ADMIT IT! I am THAT cute! You know you think so! ;-)

As a side note, that is the same frames in each picture. It amazes me how different they look on the boys (to me at least). They look so much bigger on Trip's little noggin!

SWAK

• Thank you soooo much for all your love and support on my last post!
• Tim thinks things will get better over the next few months. He's weaning himself off the meds they gave him to quit smoking (zyban). I told him if things weren't better than we'd need to see about counseling. He said OK.
• Tim and I kissed and made up. We still have a lot of issue to work through, but things are better at the moment. And I'm not joking about the kissing...he kept randomly kissing me all day. I think that helped our attitudes towards each other. You can't underestimate the power of physical affection.
• Against my better judgment, we chased the egg before he left. This could have many outcomes. If we don't get pregnant, nothing lost nothing gained and the decision to TTC can be put off for a couple of weeks. If we get pregnant and lose the baby (I'm a little bit of a pessimist on this at the moment) the depression and pain from that won't help us at all. If we get pregnant and end up with a THB, the stress of a newborn and toddlers could be enough to break us. Damn I really should have listened to my head instead of my uterus.
• On a completely happy note, I love the fact that Jack "sings" along with a certain TV show that I won't mention because I'm ashamed we let him watch it (nothing horrendous, but definitely not education or age appropriate). And if Trip gets to watch Elmo's World, he waves and says "HI!" and "Bye!" to Elmo. I love the way these boys laugh when I chase them around. I love that they have so much fun playing with each other and chasing each other around (sometimes). I love walking into their room in the morning and seeing them jump up and down in their cribs, then running from me and falling into the corner as they break into fits of giggles.
• Hopefully I get to hang out with Courtney from Connecting the Dots (sorry, she's private) early next week!
• Oh yeah. I suck. I never did blog about hanging with Courtney or Suzy a few months ago. Oops. For that matter I'm not sure I blogged about hanging out with Farah or Jen last year.
• For that matter, I haven't finished my blog-you-very-much (I started it before the boys were born) post or my sock-it-to-me post. Boy, I really do suck!
• Tim is in VA Beach until Saturday afternoon. I've enjoyed my little break from him, but do miss him. I have the hardest time getting to sleep when he's not in the house. The boys seem to have a rough time going to bed if he's not here to tuck them in, too. It would be sweet if it weren't so exhausting trying to calm them down.
• Oh yeah! Jack has his peds ophthalmologist appointment tomorrow morning. I probably won't update until tomorrow evening. They said to expect 2 hours, my optometrist said expect 3. My optometrist also said to expect the docs to push for surgery. That won't be the first route we take, though.
• And I guess that's all for now. I really must get back to cleaning my house.

A Change of Mind

Last night I told Tim I didn't think we should be trying for another baby right now.

We've been bickering (not really fighting, but constant bickering) a lot lately. It feels like he's angry at me all the time, and I don't know why. He makes constant comments about things I'm doing wrong or not doing, but won't come right out and tell me what it is he thinks I should be doing. On the other hand, his constant negativity is about to drive me up a wall. He is constantly working on one project or another then complaining because he doesn't think he spends enough time with the kids. Whenever he sits down long enough to do anything with the boys he ends up laying down and falling asleep on the couch. His tone and attitude are poisoning the house.

I expressed a lot of this to him last night and his response was that our sex life sucks. Why yes, yes it does! The combination of my low self esteem and his complete negativity kills any sex drive I could ever muster up. Who wants to get all romantic right after their husband has finished slamming a door because "nothing ever goes right!!!!"? Give me a break! And as far as my self esteem goes? Well...my weight isn't helping (or going down because I just don't want to diet right now). You know what else doesn't help? Having a husband that gets pissed off because I haven't gone to the grocery store (did I blog about that yet?) then turns around and grabs my ass like I'm a piece of meat? Kind of makes a girl think the only reason she's around is to cook and put out.

So we had a long talk last night and didn't seem to get anything resloved. He said he still wanted to try for another, but feels the only reason we have sex it to conceive (ummm...sure...because sex 6 days before earliest possible ovulation has a chance. yeah).  I told him that I didn't think adding another baby would help our stress levels. I'm concerned about our marriage and don't want to add anymore to our plates.

Then today I get this:

 Tim was supposed to be out of town for my peak fertile days this month, but it didn't happen. I don't know of another cycle that I ovulated before CD17.

My last miscarriage happened 6 months ago yesterday. I would have been 35 weeks tomorrow. I wonder what state our marriage and my mental health would be in if the baby had been healthy.