whatamitodo

I have been listening, reading, thinking, and processing a lot of things. I’ve seen the rise of the “girl boss,” and I think it’s a great thing. Hell, I supported someone close to me by working under their leadership for a long time, and it was pretty cool. Where I start to diverge is when pain and trauma begin speaking for the boss.

I want women to succeed in every way they can, and I believe they should have every ability, opportunity, support system, and clear path to chase their dreams. In a recent conversation with a self-proclaimed “girl boss,” I realized she represented some of the worst characteristics people in general can have — and she seemed to think that’s what it takes to lead.

Her sense of reason may have returned in the privacy of her own mind, and I want to give her credit for that. But in the conversation, she was unrelenting. I tried to explain that most men who are bosses are not always as headstrong as they may appear. They usually have a friend, a board, or some kind of sounding board to bounce ideas off before making decisions. Even if they ultimately go through with the decision, someone hears it out loud first. In many cases, that person is their wife.

This “girl boss alpha architect” seemed to think that any man pulling her aside to offer perspective was trying to slow her down or was jealous. That couldn’t be further from the truth — at least in situations like that phone call. The issue she was about to face was something she had no expertise in, and I did. I was trying to share information to help. It wasn’t about not trusting her; it was about listening to her concerns and helping her avoid an expensive mistake. Yet this same archetype we see on social media might label a man “sassy,” “jealous,” or “a narcissist” — anything but someone who genuinely cares. I mean, don’t you need a “Dr.” in front of your name to diagnose narcissism? Lol.

I realized I have no problem following a woman leader, but I do struggle when she is unwilling to trust the counsel she put together to advise her. Why does it feel like we’re sitting in a car headed toward a cliff, unable to communicate about what’s happening and why?

Communication is essential in making things make sense so that everyone can be successful, happy, healthy, and build something meaningful. If I ever have a daughter, I would encourage her to take communication classes and to speak from a calm mind — not to let her trauma speak for her.

I have been thinking about this for the past couple of weeks and wasn’t sure if I wanted to speak on it. See on social media and in the privacy of some homes there has been a disconnect between men and women as it relates to how to handle certain issues. This is not everyone so the mileage may vary.

On one hand there is a feeling in the black and brown communities that there is poor treatment by the police on our collective brothers and sisters which is true. So whenever avoidable we tend to not want to involve the police in matters that can be resolved without them. At the same time there are some women who know the relationship who will use the threat of police or even call them in to “control” their partner. So consider this situation I was told about, a guy catches his girlfriend cheating in the home they share, in the bed they share. After the guys leaves he simply packs his things, says nothing  and is prepared to leave, the girlfriend is trying to talk to him but he is not in a mood to talk, just wants to pack his things, and go. As he is walking out the door, she jumps in front to stop him from leaving and she put her hands on him and refuses to move. He wraps her up in a bear hug to remove her from the door and leaves, she calls the police and allege assault before he even gets to the bottom of the stairs. As they are putting him in the car, she yells “You should have just talked to me”.. This is a poor use of the police force, this is a poor use of time, this is a poor use of communication, and an effort to control him and the situation she created. Should he have stopped and had the conversation she wanted to have? Probably not because he was so much in shock he wasn’t sure what to say, he hasn’t processed all the emotions he feels, is he not allowed to do that? Some would say no…

This goes back to the point in the changes and efforts to make the world a better place for black and brown people we have to realize in our personal relationships words have meaning. We need to use platforms like BLM to push forth better communication efforts between men and women of the community. Instead we have used these new platforms to stir the pot of strife between the sexes, no solution, and no efforts to really upgrade the dynamic. We often see ourselves as victim as opposed to cause or at least contributing factor to the breaking of situations.

We need to learn communication skills, acceptance of responsibility, and better ways to navigate in relationships.

I had been thinking about this for a little bit, as much as my people want to be in business for themselves and want to hire black and all those other things, we don’t even respect the black dollar. In most cases our friends who are business owners we are not supporting their businesses and if we are we walk in the door looking for a discount. By and large on the other side we don’t walk into any other race’s business looking for a discount. We want them to respect our dollar and know we have the dollar to spend but we don’t do that for our own people. Consider when your friend who maybe a business owner asks you to do a task, you drag your feet or require payment up front. Let that be another race and there is an extra effort to get it done quickly.

Consider the black supervisor or owner you work for, in his business where he/she makes money is there an effort to do everything timely and correctly? Are you tuck on your phone or doing the extra crazy stuff? Would you be doin that in the white business for the white boss? There is a level of respect for the white dollar and not the black dollar. In the black business we talk reckless to the black boss and storm off like we own the place and wouldn’t do that in the white business. We want the black boss to give thousands of chances and we understand the lines we crossed in the white business. If someone is my friend, I will respect them as my friend and a business owner to conduct myself in the best possible way.

I remember an experience with a friend of mine who passed along a project to me. I wasn’t even getting paid but I knew my friend needed the money and the look so I was going to do the labor and keep it moving. I quoted a price to the person which was probably the cheapest i could find the materials needed. Now mind you i searched for the combination to get the materials, the lady had no real idea of what she wanted, and didn’t even have the colors or logos for her business. She wanted me to come and take pictures and develop a logo which was different from what I was tasked to do. We agreed on the price, which was double the price of the materials, this would allow my friend to eat, look good, and deliver a product. After i did all the research, sourcing, and work. She come and tells me all these changes and what her vision was for the project. This was the same question I asked from the top mind you. Next after all the world was done she wanted to negotiate the price, the price was already subsidized for my time, she wanted to pay a quarter of the agreed upon price. This basically means I take the L on half the materials and my friend doesn’t get paid in the end. She was a POC woman so is my friend, and the way I heard her talk to the mailman she wouldn’t have handled the white time and dollar which such little regard. Thing like this is why we need need to continue to work on first respecting the black dollar and then making everyone else respect it.

I had no conversation with a friend today, a repeat of other conversations in the last few weeks. It was this trend we had for a while of shows with paternity as the theme I get it and understand for women that a man even asking for this feels like a shot but the truth is babies are business. To me as a man I feel like if there is no other possibility then a paternity test is a formality.

Here is the other thing and this goes to business, what if you had a drunken night out with the girls and missed a few hours there is a chance an encounter could have happened and lets say it did, FOR ME all parties deserve to know the deal. I personally feel if we both knew the kid wasn’t mine and I was given a choice there is a chance I raise the kid and keep it moving. It is the lack of choice that gets me, because on the business side there is a lot of money that goes into kids as well as emotion. Once legal documents are signed no state has to remove your name off the birth certificate.

In addition I have seen a few times the uncertainty or paternity being wielded as a weapon “thats why this isn’t your child…” that is very hurtful. The ability to ay whatever because someone is mad and toy with emotions is nasty. There needs to be a level of certainty for everyone. What if there is a need for blood or some health issues down the road being certain of the information is important. What alot of people don’t realize in most cases those legal documents are given in the midst of the euphoria of having a baby, this paper work with legal documentation that confirms you are declaring yourself the legal father of a child for ever. Most men sign these documents without really reading because they are so excited about a kid but this is business and to ensure the business is right for both himself, the family, and that kid its important to gather all the information possible before signing.

This may seem a way but it isn’t really a personal attack, morso protecting everyone interest. There could be a man out there wanting to have a relationship with their child and has no idea and deserves the right to know. I guess I have always felt that I want the ability to decide for myself and no one to decide for me, lets sit down and have real talk and go from there no harm no foul. Better communication as family and children like a marriage is all signed by contact so lets do GOOD BUSINESS.

In this current society we are fighting on multiple fronts. One one front we are fighting the war of civility. It is said that this is a nation that is open to accept everybody and has a willingness to welcome anyone one, yet they charge immigrants upwards of 10,000 for citizenship and fine any business that will hire then before they get their paper work. So how do they get the money? In addition a society that has built its self on laws that allow people to protest things they don’t like yet stakes like Florida passed laws to do everything but say its illegal to do just that. In addition, this society HATES FAT PEOPLE doing anything. When was the last time you seen a movie with a fat lead, who fell in love? A true drama, every movie is some fat people being the comedy relief, the mad side kick, or the evil person. A fat person in the guy, they too fat to be there, a fat person sitting down, eating, sleeping, looking at tv, smiling, breathing, or anything else and they come and find you and make you feel bad for doing anything. You can barely find clothes and when you can its 250% higher in cost. When you go looking for shoes they are not cool colors, they are just white black and grey. Then there are black people, everytime black people raise an issue about anything they do anything to say “sit down, and shut up: without saying it. Its always “not the right time” Florida passed a entire bill recently that basically outlawed protesting. So I wonder, How do we do this in this country? How do we exist in a country that wants to have “diplomacy” but not really?

The word “No” is a supper powerful word in our language. I dare say it maybe one of the the most powerful words that can enrage people. Over the last five years we have RIGHTLY SO been focused on issues of consent. The funny thing is we only focused on one aspect of consent in the sexual/relationship arena and not the rest. I had an interaction recently where someone wanted to give me information, I declined, and it sent them through the roof. Here I am thinking I have the right to decline, but that appeared not to be the case in that experience. My understanding was that the decline was “offensive” in a way.

I believe my understanding of the exchange goes to the fact that as man gent, I am never supposed to reach the cut off phase, I am expected to always be open and welcoming and willing and cool no matter what. Isn’t this a layer of the same “toxic” behaviors that landed us having a consent conversation? These roles of what is expected and how one should act. I guess the same thing I understood before I sat and listened was true… the rules were only supposed to change for one party and to benefit one party. A gent doesn’t get to say “no”, no matter how offended they may have been via the conversation or interaction.

This same thing happened recently when a friend who happens to be married, wearing a ring, declined a very forward advance from a woman. He cited politely he wasn’t interested, he was married, and wished her well. She responded “You must be gay, or have a small dick” and then tossed a full glass of water on him. Mind you he didn’t attempt to embarrass her, she was touching all on him in a bit forward way and he let it go in an effort to keep everything calm, cool, and protect her modesty. What ese could he have done really? I mean it is in these moments, the moments when a woman is violent towards a man unprovoked, and others of the nature where I would like the community stand up and how these ladies accountable for their actions and teach them better. This is what we missed, this is the part of the equation that has been lacking. The same voices that are loud to fight for well deserved, complete, equality also needs to understand that standing on the ” we know better” means there is an expectation of doing better and if not there should be a lane to be questioned and held accountable.