The rain and wind is absolutely lashing the studio window today which makes me feel cozy and inclined to sit with a warm drink and try to write. I can see empty plant pots skittering down the path, leggy daffodils flattened, barrel pond overflowing and snowdrops bobbling wildly in protest but I think if I ventured out to rescue those pots, it might feel warmer; a hint of spring in the air. I’ve already got things in trays lined up on windowsills, ideas for making more growing space and seed packets waiting like promises to Summer. All I want to do is grow things and make a garden – this is not ideal when I’m actually meant to be doing ART and cobbling a late life career together.
In January this blog automatically renewed again, before I had a chance to have a big think about it. I pay to keep it free of adverts and distraction and honestly dream daily of things I could write about, but inevitably it is me that is distracted and lulled into an uncomfortable inertia by addictive social media, self doubt and the unholy mess when those two collide. The truth is I’ve never felt more like quitting being “witchmountain” for a while and trying to reset my relationship with creativity.
I spoke to my daughter today about the fact that my website also renews in March – a hefty £300 which commits me to calling myself a business with appealing things to sell, sell, sell. We spoke about art and work and finding the burning desire to create, about Rose Wylie, women artists, class, privilege, money, how any one could afford to do A Year of Nothing and what it all means (we didn’t know!). I think she was incredibly insightful when she said “the trouble is you’ve been trying to make a product to make money, thinking about what other people want (and they often don’t want it) instead of making what YOU want first ” Have I been stuck for so long because I’ve been thinking back to front?
In January I took on another bookish role, doing some part time admin. for the Lakeland Book of the Year Awards. This, combined with my two days at the bookshop has given me a subsistence level income (until July) which takes some of the pressure off needing to sell my own work, but sometimes feels all consuming. I now have 3 jobs, all very different spinning plates and the one I’m giving the least amount of attention and love to is my own artwork. It feels too easy to look away from witchmountain and risk dropping that plate because it requires so much more effort, commitment and emotion.
I’m NOT quitting though, just letting myself glance sideways for a while, like you do sometimes at stars. I’m so lucky to have this beautiful room, the longed for “room of one’s own” if not the private income ( or Arts Council grant? how do people do it?) to support a year off researching, learning and seeking inspiration. Everything is here waiting for me when I’m ready to turn away from the window and back to what happens inside the room.
It’s not all introspection and gloom. In the first week of February I taught my first big workshop of the year at Rheged near Penrith. Teaching was what I had decided to focus on, and invest in, this year and this was a great start. Ten lovely women, one huge room with views across to the Peninnes, access to a fancy coffee machine for brain fuel and a lot of wonderful printmaking. We tried out some Jacquard pre-coated fabric sheets as well as lots of different papers which eventually filled the line I’d strung from pillar to pillar like the most beautiful bunting you ever saw. There was a minor flood when we tipped over a full rinsing tray in the ladies bathroom but I haven’t heard any reports of it turning the room blue…yet. It was such hard work, lots of time setting up, clearing up and preparing, but so nice to spend time with interested and enthusiastic people – I really need to remember this when I get anxious about teaching, it’s always worth it.
I feel here that I need to send out an extra annual thank you to some very special people who break (and mend) my heart every month by supporting me on Kofi. I often think that for these people alone I should be more productive but the fact is that their small acts of kindness seem to be entirely altruistic and this makes the world a better place, they make the world a better place and inspire me to try to do the same rather than be overwhelmed by guilt and imposter syndrome.
Now perhaps it’s time for another coffee, maybe I’ll set the timer and draw my coffee cup or doodle whatever comes into my head for ten minutes, I shall avoid the hoover and the urge to check emails, I will breath in and out, listening to the rain, noticing how it feels, I will not compare myself to others, I will sharpen my pencils and keep trying.
Reading: Eowyn Ivey, Black Woods, Blue Sky – Oooh, this feels like something I was obsessed with back in 2009 when love and bears and northern myths were my inspiration. I’m really loving it so far and hoping it leaves me on a high – because the older I get the less I’m up for peril, despair, violence or other physical extremes.
I’m in a Canada/Alaska/North Country phase at the moment and picked this up by accident after binge reading a lot of Elizabeth Hay which I was totally immersed in.
WITCHMOUNTAIN 
